Dictionary for Women

Author unknown

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,, breathe, push, "

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

******no credits whatsoever is mine

If the World was fair to Guys,

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.

On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."

Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

Example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, that's $20 off."

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.

"Sorry, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

"Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.

Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

Saying "Let's have a party. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response, "What a great idea!"

Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

Everyone would have real a Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.

Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two Swedish milk maids.

When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone.

"Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman"s question of "Does my bum look big in this?"

****no credit whatsoever is mine****

Dictionary of Marriage Terms

Author unknown

Bachelor
A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
A man who never makes the same mistake once.
A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Cad
A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.

Compromise
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

Diplomat
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

Housework
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

Mistress
Something between a mister and a mattress.

Mother-in-Law
A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mrs.
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

Spouse
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.


****no credit whatsoever is mine****

The Differences Between Men and Women

Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of pre-intimacy. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of pre-intimacy. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the pre-intimacy.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup,

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "" batteries to operate.

Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

****no credit whatsoever is mine****

All so very funny

Thanks, more to come. If don't mistakenly banned again.

Absolutely luv it.

If Men had Periods,

by Gloria Steinem

Since history was recorded, male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis-envy is "natural" to women - though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men more vulnerable, and the power to give birth makes womb-envy at least logical. In short, logic has nothing to do with it. What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not? The answer is clear - menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event:

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.

The US Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation" as proof that only men could serve in the army ("You have to give blood to take blood", occupy political office ("Can women be aggresive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?", be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins", or rabbis ("Without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean".

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("You must give blood for the revolution", recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man" or answer praise from a buddy (" Man, you are lookin' good" by giving fives and saying, "Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!"

TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row.)

So would newspapers. (JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.)

And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers"!)

Men would convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself - though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguements. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

Politically Correct
Terms for Females

Author unknown

She does not get PMS,
she becomes hormonally homicidal

She does not have a killer body,
she is terminally attractive.

She is not a bad cook,
she is microwave compatible.

She is not a bad driver,
she is automotively challenged.

She is not a Perfect 10,
she is numerically superior.

She is not easy,
she is horizontally accessible.

She does not hate sports on TV,
she is athletically biased.

She does not have sexy lips,
she is collagen dependent.

She does not get drunk,
she is accidentally over served or
she becomes verbally dyslexic.

You do not ask her to dance,
you request a precoital rhythmic experience.

She is not a gossip,
she is a verbal terminator.

She does not work out too much,
she is an abdominal overachiever.

She does not have a great butt,
she is gluteus to the maximus.

She is not hooked on soap operas,
she is melodramatically fixated.

She is not cold or frigid,
she is thermally incompatible.

She does not wear too much makeup,
she is cosmetically oversaturated.

She does not have great cleavage or a great rack,
her breasts are centrally located.

She does not have big hooters,
her cups runneth over.

She will never gain weight,
she will become a metabolic underachiever.

She is not a screamer or a moaner,
she is vocally appreciative.

She does not shave her legs,
she experiences temporary stubble reduction.

She does not have a hard body,
she is anatomically inflexible.

She does not sun bathe,
she experiences solar enhancement.

Her breasts will never sag,
they will lose their vertical hold.

She does not shop too much,
she is overly susceptible to marketing ploys.

She does not cut you off,
she becomes horizontally inaccessible.

She does not have big hair,
she is overly aerosoled.

She does not snore,
she is nasally repetitive.

She is not too skinny,
she is skeletally prominent.