Hello NL,

I read so many topics about marriage on NL and I never thought I would be one posting about marriage problems,  the fact is I need advices, support, anything to get me out of this situation.  I am soooo tired of my marriage and my husband, I am so tired of it all, playing all those mind games, trying to understand him, making efforts, shutting my mouth when hurt, not telling him what I really feel to not hurt his ego, going through hell in my personnal life without the right to complain,  I even reached the point of regretting marrying him and having a child with him, lately I've been wishing to go back to my single days and never ever marry in my life.

My husband is nothing terrible, which, in some aspects is even worse, he is proud and selfish, but also very "unchangeable", always the same, he enjoys smoking, drinking, hanging out with friends, he dreams about big money but just manages a small job. Other htan that he is honest, a good father (if I keep low expectations), doesn't beat me or anything like that, he participates in the home financial expenses and so on,  BUT no plans for the future, we never discuss anything, anytime we are together, I am just doing my thing while he's doing his. I'm going to bed alone every night. he has stopped clubbing so much but the first few years of marriage he would go out to club everynight (even if I was pregnant and alone at home) or at least a few times a week (when I was alone with a baby).

I don't share anything with him. I thought our relationship will grow more intimate with time but it seems it's getting worse. He was not much of a talker when we dated, now we don't even share more than the necessary daily life talks (what's for dinner and so on). we never share a meal together, even on week ends. he takes a nap after the baby takes his so we don't go out together. he never offers to have a "date" or anything to do together.  he stays stuck to his laptop at night and only comes to bed long after I'm asleep.

I make it sound like he is the one having all the faults but it's not true, I also have my own faults, I made mistakes in our relationship, I am very aware of it. It took time for us to know each other better, to understand our cultures and differences, and I have made a LOT of efforts. I wouldn't mind him telling me if anything I did was wrong, I just wanted a happy home and a blissful marriage, and I invested a lot in this relationship.

Now, when I look back, I have this bitter feeling that I was alone doing all of that. Though he did make some efforts, I never saw him making any "costly" effort. He'd never sacrifice anything or go out of his comfort zone for me. As time passes, I feel like I am an "investment" to him, nothing more than a watch or a car, something to take out on special occasions, to complete the picture of a "successful man" he wishes to show around.

I honestly don't know if he realizes how bad I feel about our relationship, despite my many attempts to talk to him. I'm sure we could stay married like that forever, I'd just be his maid, raised his kids, shut up about my feelings and personality,  and he'd come back every night to have dinner and believe he "achieved" something in life,

I am so sorry I poured out my life like that on a forum, and I really hope to get serious advices, maybe some hints on how to get things going from now,

Thank you

Well, my dear its like u dont love ur husband and u have never loved him . Just concentrate on ur kid for now. Most poeople get dissilussioned abt their marriages from timt to time but I think u guys shld talk more often. Em, if I may ask what kind of mistake did u make? Have u tried talking to him about how u feel?

And why did u have to open a new user name to post dis?

Dimka76, thanks for your answer, the mistakes I made were/are more about lack of understanding of each other's personality and cultures. We don't have the same culture baackground and I used to take for granted things that were big efforts to him (such as helping around the house,  whcih he doesn't do anymore), I talked to him without considering his ego first, I was used to men who didn't mind me telling things as I felt, but it seems my husband can't accept his wrongs,  I understand now that he was at a very low point in his life when I met him, and that my lack of consideration and my own worries were too much for him to handle at the time.  Honestly, I still don't know if my husband is just a liar who enjoys having me around but doesn't care much, or if he really loves me but is just completely "lost" in the feelings/relationships area.

I tried talking to him, I tried many times, in many different ways over the years, thinking that as we grew together in the marriage, he'd get me better,  but it seems it doesn't get pass his ears,  Nothing changes, he doesn't understand, changes the topic or takes offence (if I say "I am not feeling so fine these days, I'd need you to spend more time with me" he'd say "so you mean I never spend time with you? How about last month when I was sleeping on the couch while you were watching TV? wasn't I with you?",  it's ridiculous  )

I opened a new account because I don't want people to stop trusting me when I give advices about marriage on other topics  just kidding,  it's my first sign up on NL, I've been reading for a long time without ever posting anything

///

"this is it",  It is not fantastic but I can deal with most of it, I'm a grown woman, I don't fancy butterflies. I like, respect and appreciate my husband for who he is deep down inside, the "rough edges" as you call them, CC, are the problem. I can do with the not-romantic type, I can do with all the adjustment his culture requires from me,  but I cannot do with someone totally ignoring me,  except on the few occasions when he wants sex,

I don't want him to change overnight, I'd like him to try to adjust to a few of the little things that are important to me. I don't want him to change religion/deny his family/change his identity,  but saying a few nice things to me from time to time (apart from that occasional "good job" I get for my cooking  ), getting me a little present (I don't like expensive things,  anything really is ok!), turning the radio on and dance with me, waiting for me to be there before starting a movie, turning the speakers on instead of watching his movie with his earphones, leaving me alone,  Very little things that would just acknowledge my presence and his love and care for me. Really, being married to him requires more than faith, I have to believe his love without ever seeing any sign of it.

If I ask him what he likes about me, he is unable to reply, I NEVER got a present from him, he still has the nerve to tell me he doesn't know what I like when, everytime we go shopping together he spends hours watching male stuff instead of looking with me at what I like or asking me. I don't even have a wedding ring, if we go look at wedding rings, he starts looking at male watches,  I don't mind if he can't afford an expensive ring, at least dream with me looking at some!

Honestly,  I don't think he'd go to counselling, in the past I once tried to talk to a good friend of him, in his presence, about a little issue (his going out clubbing too much), despite what the friend advised and me asking him to spend one night with me he left the house at once. We never talk about it again,  I guess he believes everything is about "power" and "control".  Anything I say is to "control" him,  I am so sick of all that,  how can a nice man like this close down completely to his wife?

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I don't know,

He tells me that he does, he is still with me good day/ bad day and I have no reason to think he ever cheated, He is not doing any harm to me, he is just not doing anything. I don't know, if he doesn't love me or if he has serious issues with shows of love and feelings in general,

All that I know is that my tears, begging, nagging, shouting, crying, I've tried it, nothing works. I still pray for something to happen, one word, one moment that could make him see how I feel deep down inside, who I am, something that would make him care. But if I tell him that he gets angry saying "he doesn't know what to do to show me he cares for me" or that "nothing is enough for me".

Honestly, I had other relationships before, and I never encountered such problem. Is it an african thing to live side by side without showing feelings?

my dear i want to advise u to b patient it shall b well.1st let him understand hw u re feeling,commit evthing to God, show more love to him .remember marriage is 4 better or worse.u wil enjoy ur marriage!amen.

@poster

I guess you are between the age of 25 and 35!

Thats the age when married women NATURALLY CHEAT!

From your write up you may have observed that you have noting against your husband. you are searching for reasons to go wayward but you cant find any!

You are confused and ashamed of yourself because your body is seriously desiring the touch of another man hence your wish that you are single again

The truth is, you will end up making a very big mistake by cheating on your husband and subsequently a divorce!

But let me remind you that you will soon approach your cold years when you will seriously desire a man like your present husband and you will find him not and it would av been too late to make amends!

Last Advice: Careful you don't slip!

All these marriage threads springing left and right self, YIKES! Is there anyone enjoying their marriage abeg?

@ greateros, you are right, my body is seriously desiring the touch of a man,  the touch of [i]my [/i]man. I still love him, otherwise I would have left him long ago, but I still feel it would be a complete waste to have a handsome and kind man as himnself in my bed and go look for another one (who might be worse, ). Sorry to disappoint you, sometimes women are faithful and just need a little more consideration from their men.

@CC. thank you for your replies, I was really feeling down yesterday but now I'm more calm. I do not want to leave him, not yet, I still feel we have so many things to do together. All that you've said in your previous post, I tried already: staying close to him even when he's doing his own thing, spending my sundays watching his soccer games, letting him sleep all morning after a night in club and organizing little outings in the afternoon,  I took him to the restaurant many times (bad experience, this man only loves home made food and keeps on criticizing everything around), cooked him his favorite food over and over again,   I've talked to him in many different ways since we met, I explained to him clearly how I work , I forgot long ago trying to give him hints, he doesn't get hints, I went from "oh, I really love big earrings" to "look at those, they are just 5 bucks, you have 5 bucks in your wallet, you could buy them for me, for my birthday?" But he still doesn't get it,   It's been over 2 years now that I stopped complaining and tried to make him experience other aspects of a relationship (presents, dates, spending time together, ) while doing my best to keep up with his own standards (taking care of the house alone, cooking his food, taking care of the kid alone, ), and this is exactly what caused my frustration. I feel like I'm the only one working at this relationship hoping something better, for him, it seems everything is perfect, what I do is just normal and he can even criticize me for days if I do the slightest mistake (didn't buy enough chicken for example).

I don't think he'll ever change if I keep on doing everything he enjoys, why would he care for my own needs and feelings when his owns are met?  I thought his love for me would be reason enough, but it seems it's not. I need another way to make him understand,

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Its obvious whats wrong in this marriage is communication.No love exist between the both of you.I think what happened is b4 marriage you guys thot u were in love but never knew it was infatuation.Anyways don't suffer alone.Sit him down and discuss it.If the result comes out negative.I think you should file for divorce.(as a last resort)

Things like this occur once Nigerian women hit their mid-20s and start looking for marriage so desperately. They don't take the time to actually get to to whomever it is they may be dating at that point, but they fixate on marriage. There's more to marriage than the wedding day, so you lot should take it easy.

As for the poster, I am always hesitant to advise people to end relationships once children become involved. And in this case, you have a child together, so I suggest you sit your husband down and have a heart-to-heart conversation. You lot should attempt to get to know yourselves. From what you describe, you are complete strangers living together in one house.

@Poster. I am so touched by your feelings about your marriage.and reading all what you poured out touched me to post a reply which i don't usually do because of conflit opinion from fellow niaralanders.

I must say in life we make some mistakes that we can't never undo but to try and amend the holes.You have entered into the marriage and you are in.Think about your kids.What kind of parent do you want them to see in you both.Don't take any action that might affect the kids cause in future it backfires.

What i feel is that your husband still acknowledge that you are his wife and still has some love for you to come home every night.To come home to his family.Then you should try and call him one cool night.Prepare a good meal he loves most,pet him,and ask him for a serious talk.Then same way you poured out your heart here pour it out to him and see the result.Let us know the outcome please.Build communication,.If you can't talk to him who else can you talk to.He his your husband.YOURS

1- If he adamantly refused to change at that moment because of his ego.Then give him sometime to think.All men have their conconscience.He will think again in his queit time because if you don't pour your heart to him for once he will think he his doing the right thing.Paying the bills, coming home etc which you need more.So call it to his attention.He his your husband.

2- If he his willing to change.Then help him cultivate the habit by starting the things you want first to him.Like taking him out and the kids.Buying lunch for him.Then he will be a foolish man( Sorry to say ) Not to try and change for your gestures.

God will fight for you after all your effort.

Peace

I see a woman desirous of cheating.
I see a woman desirous of tearing her home apart.
I see a self-centred woman blaming an innocent dedicated husband for her libido.
I see a woman who wish she make costly mistake.
I will not pity the woman,
But my sympathy is with the young unassuming husband,

Lord, I pray, let me not use my own hands to destroy your blessings in my life.
Let me not with my own thought and actions turn your blessings into cures.
Help me, and help this woman, (Amen)

I went from "oh,
I really love big earrings" to "look at those,
they are just 5 bucks, you have 5 bucks in
your wallet, you could buy them for me, for
my birthday?"[b][/b]

now this really cracked me up

I like one of the characteristics of her husband "unchangeable"

I am totally inline wit you CC and 4eva shall u be my favourite poster.
@poster, pls take it calm and I pray dat d greatest creator wil make ur man d best creature u eva needed in ur life.
God Almighty will be d light in ur darkness, He shall be wit u and ur family, (amen)

Hmn Dear poster ,
It definitely is easy for anyone of us to tell you what we think of you or what we think we should do, It doesnt make it right. I'd assume you dated your husband for some time before you got married and as such there must be some things you like . If you say he hasnt changed that means he still has the same qualities you fell in love with and decided to marry him for or are you saying those things dont count anymore or , Is there something going on with you presently that might be affecting the way you feel.

As some people have rightly said "this is it ", no one said it was going to easy all the way, it definitely takes a lot of effort and patience, there definitely is a way to get your husband to listen to you, you just need to find it "Everyone has his own button ". You said you dont want to leave him yet ? I take that as meaning you would work on your relationship "for better for worse"

I could go on and on but the bottom line is dont give up unless you are sure it "cannot" get better

I pray you find the happiness you seek

@poster, i'm realy touched by all ur posts.although am stil a bachelor,but i tink there're no beta advice u can get dan d ones dat've been posted on dis thread. Try some of these things & i'm sure it ll work out.

Hw i wish your husband could read this post.

gbam plz give it a second thought oh

I feel your pain, but I think you should comb NL very well to be sure your hubby has not started a thread that'll suggest you are ruining his marriage. It takes two to tango!!

Hmmm

Hello,

well it happen like this in must cases. you ask yourself God why, but due to one problem or the order. But today some of us make this greatest mistake by saying am tired of my marriage, No if so some of us should have miss our furture man or woman to be. In that cases when something like these came up just follow it in prayer because prayer is the key and papa God will surely make name for himself for his son or duaghter not to get tired of his or her precious marriage.

Thank

AbyDee,
You read like a woman with far too much time on her hands. I am not sure this is so much about your husband as it is about you and your unfulfilled desires. It can't be that exciting to clean the house, look after a child all day long and then feed your underwhelming hubby.
Just some suggestions,
1. Take up exercise. Apart from being a great stress buster, will do more for your energy levels and sex life. If you can't afford childcare and don't have friends who can have your child for 2 hours, a few times a week, take the child on your back for a long walk daily. Have you any idea what all the thoughts and sorrow is doing to your health? Cheer up, abeg.

2. Take up a course or learn a new skill. You probably gave up work to look after your child but if the child is of school age, then you should consider working on a self employed, part time basis to add to the income of the house. Perhaps your esteem has been stripped from the chop money situation. I would have to earn my money and contribute to the welfare of the family even if I marry Adenuga.

3. Speak to your doctor. It could really be a case of post natal depression that has very little to do with binding. It happened after the birth of my first child because it can be a shock to the system. Since I knew what to expect later on, I was fine.

One of the responders is correct when he/she says that it appears that you want to cheat. It does appear there is another guy you are comparing your husband to -- as the description you have given of your husband is not particularly bad. You just need to connect more.

Be careful as to what steps you take. It will be unfortunate if you destroy your home over some foolishness. Many women will kill for your situation. Be wise.

A woman asks for help some people start saying she wants to cheat on her hubby and has low sexual libido or what ever? If she was like you guys maybe but no. she wants her man back she wants her marriage back.
A woman cannot complain in marriage without some people calling her names. What is wrong with a woman wanting her man to acknowledge her  in their home? since when has it been a crime for a woman to want some love from the man she is married to?

At poster

sit him down and talk to him. Maybe he has some friends like those ones here who tell him you want more love and attention from him because you want to cheat on him(Irony) ? Have a heart to heart talk with him and let him know that you married him so you can work TOGETHER as one and be each others best friend.
Nigerian men could be selfish at times. I was at a hotel poolside once in owerri with some friends and next to me some  men were boasting to their friends how grateful their wives should be if they come home and eat her food and how their wives, dont even ask questions if they leave the house at night. that, they set boundaries and the wives dare not cross it. The sugar daughters were just laughing and mocking the poor wives. Now if those women complain these kinds of men blaming you will also blame them. To such men a woman should just shut up and be happy they married her.