hey,

i have tried my best to read thru some of the posts and hopefully im not repeating what someone else has said. Im no expert but from what i have read so far, i think what you need to do is stop looking at things from your own perspective. You shuld ask him "how was your day", "is there something wrong", "is there something you would like me to do for you?". my point is try finding out his story and his perspective on things. Ask him about his professional life, ask him if he is sexually satisfied.
Another thing is that you should NEVER go into marriage with the mind frame of changing a man. It will only lead to the deterioration of your marriage. Accept him for who he is, i.e. UNCONDITIONAL love.

0.) GOD!!!!!!!
1.) talk to him (COMMUNICATION),  in fact someone said you should go clubbing with him, but ask him if he would not mind you comin @ least once.
remember that not all guys are open with their feelings so u have to find an effective way to get him to open up
2.) NEVER try to CHANGE a man
3.) Have you ever heard of the 7 yr itch, someone already mentioned that,  inability to tolerate each other, irritation etc,
this requires: compromise, determination etc,

from what i kno when a guy doesnt request for sex much he is getting it from somewhere else, i DONT want u to start fearing or whatever, thats why i said to ask him if he feels fulfilled sexual, n ask him what he wants you to change if there is a problem

try to get this book "The act of marriage" by Tim LaHaye and try to get your hubby to read it as well, and please unless your hubby is unfaithful dont even consider divorce,  pray to God to help you out,  Remember God should be your #1 in your marriage.
u can also scan thru the main topics of the book @ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Act_of_Marriage

hope this helps,  and am i d only who detests this concept of staying in a marriage because of your children??,  ugh!

@Poster,

Sorry for what u re passing through. U av got enough advice here but you re the author of urself, u re the one in the position to choose which one is good for u.

Because u marry a different cultural background husband and according to u, u said u dint go deep in ur courtship before u both went to the alter, that could make ur marriage to be a bit shaky.

As an African, my advice is to stay in the marriage no matter how, "if u both live in africa."

As an european, u av to think about the risk, stress, and the repercussion of living a single life again, especially with a child or children.

You av tried everything to convince ur husband but he wont change. That is an African man for u. That's how he 's been created, it s left for u to think if u can handle that or not for the rest of ur life.

Look, there is no substitute for happiness. Anyone that preferes to die in a hiccups marriage is still seeing some benefits in it, so quit wont be a welcome advice for such.

I have seen people happy and progressing after leaving a relationship and also I av seen some regretting. So, think about how u will survive if u leave him, do not pitty him because marriage in not about pitty but love.

The only hope u av is, if there is a sign ur husband can change, but if u think he can never change then 'decide.'

I dont know ur age. If u think u re still marketable or u think u re still an hot cake in the mkt, then the opportunity u av is what decision u can make now. What if u re too old and he comes with the decision first in the nearest future? What if he starts beating u and gives u a life scar on ur face?

Am not a party to divorce and I won say do it, but it depends on ur location. My fear is when age tells on u then u re stucked and the advice of stay, stay, stay in the marriage will work in a slavery way.

Different cultural or ethnic backgrounds is always a nightmare. I live in it and I know what am talking about. Both of u will start quoting the law of each father's land which the fight starts but at the end it wont solve the problem because of the norms differences.

@ poster,u sound a bit like my oge,but unlike ur hubby,my wife's tears can tear my heart!I most usually deliberately use a strategy similar to d complaints u ve about ur husband,this I do wen I consider her actions or statements disrespectful and ungrateful!RESPECT AND GRATITUDE from my wife,and I belief,to any other man is extremely effective to win us over.My wife quickly gets d message and makes amends and the better for the two of us.As regards your state,u could do more and more of showing gratitude to his little effort!I also recommend u read steven covey's 7 habits of highly successful people,apply i tink habit 4 or 5(?).it would help alot.Then u ve not said anything about going to same church and hearing the same messages in church,this had contributed significantly in helping my marriage.The bible expects u to honor ur husband while God commands him to love you unconditionally,i beleif,with him aware of this info,it will help both of you.

After reading through the post i concluded you have enough advise to get your husband talking and your relationship back on track. I would like to add 1 little piece which should be LAST resort.
A form of a threat to him may bring him back to his senses after trying all available options to get him talking fails. Be very careful though, not to push him to the wall, as he might fight back.

@poster

reading thru ur post has made me to sobberly consider the intricacy of A WOMAN's mind.
it has a lot of combination, intrigues etc and i am wondering if i am reLLY PREPared ready
for the lady i hope to marry. just today i came across a teaching my Miles Monroe on the
benefit of being single and i hope to create a link so that both single m/f will hear and
learn to appreciate em selves no that they are single etc

but in any case, my lil advice is God's grace is available even now, pls just let not your heart be troubled
and neither let it be afraid! pls try this since u have tried a lot of tips, kindly try this one.

CC your advice has been quite inspiring. thanks

I have read your post over and over again.
I want to believe your issues with your hubby are (I stand corrected):
1) He’s not caring enough for you anymore, you might have overlooked it before now (during courtship and pregnancy) but your hormones (post natal) are raging for more sex, more affection, more attention, more cuddling. The mundane things of life don’t matter anymore all you care about is your husband and your kid? These two persons mean the world to you and you can’t stand not being able to have them whenever you want however you want? More so, it pains you that he has the capability to respond to your stimuli (unlike your kid) but he -you feel - chose not to.
2) He’d rather spend his happy moments with everyone else except you? You can’t seem to fathom why, considering you have so much love to give him. If he asks you for your eyes you can pluck it out and lay it in his palm (literarily speaking)?
Even though you can’t fault your hubby’s person in general,
“He was not much of a talker when we dated, now we don't even share more than the necessary daily life talks (what's for dinner and so on)”,
you seem to have a problem when it comes to his dealings with YOU. He’s a good man-at least you’ve considered that before you married him- and a responsible father. He’s not even a bad husband,
“I like, respect and appreciate my husband for who he is deep down inside, the "rough edges" as you call them, CC, are the problem. I can do with the not-romantic type,……….  but I cannot do with someone totally ignoring me,  except on the few occasions when he wants sex,
He tells me that he does, he is still with me good day/ bad day and I have no reason to think he ever cheated, He is not doing any harm to me, he is just not doing anything. I don't know, if he doesn't love me…………… “

I want to believe you have upended the ante, you have redefined the status quo; what it means to love you, without telling your husband the new definition you have in mind!

“But if I tell him that he gets angry saying "he doesn't know what to do to show me he cares for me"  or that "nothing is enough for me".

Do You expect him to feel your pulse and tell you, ‘woman you want sex Tuesday 3.00pm on the couch after a warm bath’ and meet those needs. This analogy might seem funny but I bet you will agree with me if he can do this you won’t mind at all (even as you consider the thought it feels romantic) abi?

My advice, instead of teaching/telling your husband HOW-TO tell him WHAT-TO
Quoting CC : “You will have to teach him & mould him into what you want him to be, ”

DON’T TELL HIM HOW YOU WANT THE DISHES WASHED; TELL HIM YOU WOULD LIKE HIM TO HELP WITH THE DISHES EVERY NOW AND THEN. PRAISE HIM TO HIGH HEAVENS WHEN HE DOES IN THE PRESENCE OF HIS FRIENDS, WITH A JOVIAL BELOVED EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE. (I’m betraying men folks divulging this secret to you gal) HE’LL TURN INTO A WASHING MACHINE WITH A SMILE.
Remember what you praise appreciate!!
DON’T TELL HIM WHAT NOT TO DO (don’t go clubbing, don’t go out with friends) BECAUSE HE HEARS:  THIS IS HOW I WANT YOU TO LIVE YOUR LIFE FROM NOW ON… INSTEAD TELL HIM HOW MUCH IT WILL MEAN TO HIM IF HE STAYS WITH YOU TONIGHT, BECAUSE YOU CAN’T STAND THE LONELINESS AND EMPTINESS IN YOUR BED WHEN HE’S NOT IN IT.
Even if this is not true or at worst he doesn’t fall for it, you’ve sown the seed of LOVE in his heart. While he’s out and about he’s thinking, “My wife is at home in bed lonely and cold”. When he gets back from the club he’ll be more attuned to make love to you as a way of making up for leaving you or as a gift for your understanding his need to be with the boys without complain. You have ended up teaching him your needs without nagging or saying a word that could result in argument or quarrel by appealing to his soft side rather than facing up to him and challenging his manhood which in turn he will show you who’s boss.

“, sometimes I wish I could just read his heart and know what he's thinking about,”

This thought process is what resulted in issues/challenges in marriages. PERISH THE THOUGHT!!(Men are from Mars women are from Venus).
If you knew what was on your husband’s mind per time you’ll kill/maim/divorce him. (The heart/thought of man/woman is evil and desperately wicked)
Qouting Reference:” If you want someone who thinks and acts like you, then you might as well marry yourself”



I seriously believe you have wronged your husband one way or the other when you started making these demands off him without “communicating” in layman’s terms what exactly you wanted.
During this phase you’ll hear stuff like:
“What do you want from me? What do you want me to do for you that I have not done?”
He’ll answer you in single sentences and ignore you most of the time because he’s confused contemplating, ‘is this the woman I swore to love all my life?’ how do I cope with this nag? What the hell is wrong with this woman?’
All the while he ignores you more and more, the more you nag and shatter the peaceful atmosphere in your home off he went with his friends clubbing or just whiling away time as long as she’s not with that BEEaatch! Thinking, I hope when I get home she’ll be asleep and I’ll have my peace.
Have you deflated his so called ‘ego’ so much because you want him to change and love you more by your actions, attitude, insolence, un-submissiveness. Now he has changed for the worse like most men he has found HAPPINESS outside of home. As it stands he enjoys the company of his kid(s) and would rather spend time with anyone else than you? (does he all of a sudden cheer up at the prospect of a going out with friends, watching a match when some few minutes before while you were with him he sounded depressed?)

Lastly you decided to make those sacrifices you made to make your marriage work but like we all human we give with an expectation – nothing is given for free. You have expectations that were not met and then you resent his own contributions because you feel yours outweighs his! 

Someone said and I quote:  “We judge others by our expectations of them, and expect others to judge us by our intent.”

How do I know your intent? How do I know your expectations?

“Now, when I look back, I have this bitter feeling that I was alone doing all of that. Though he did make some efforts, I never saw him making any "costly" effort. He'd never sacrifice anything or go out of his comfort zone for me.”This statement reveals a great deal about your expectations and how unfairly you are judging your man.
Why? Why? Why What is wrong with you? What costly effort are you talking about? What is costly to you is not to him! From his perspective things look different! Because you carried pregnancy for 8month plus makes you deserve to have him eat out of your palms? As far as he’s concerned you did your responsibility. (Mind you this is an example)
And you are so disillusioned by your contributions fine but don’t play down his to justify your demands for more please please pleaseeee!!!! don’t play that card babe.

If you feel we need to talk more send me a mail akindayor@yahoo.co.uk

There is no one size fit all solution. I would advice u 2get 2 books. Love must be tough by james dobson and redeeming love by francine rivers to strike a balance 2 d james dobson. Focus more on d 2nd though. I pray God wil heal ya mariage

^^ Bro my thoughts too, I wish he husband can read this.

"If you can take a week off work, go and spend time with a relative. If you can, leave the baby behind. That will give him a taste of what you do and will give him an opportunity to bond with his child."

Hmm. You'd get different types of advice on NL,but be careful which one you take to. I for one cannot imagine my wife going away for a week leaving the child with me. Don't get me wrong, I bond with my kids pretty well, changing nappies, babysitting etc, but what these italicized words mean is like "that's ur problem now, you deal with it".

Back to the main I think, like most women, all you demand is attention, but unfortunately, most men are not really good at giving it. Having said that, this isn't something that cannot be dealt with. Actually, I think you're craving for it too much hence u r bound to be disappointed a lot! Telling a man to buy this gift or that gift is usually counter-productive in my opinion. Why not surprise him with gifts yourself and watch whether he'd return d favour or not? For a man to decide to get into marriage with a lady says a lot. Except if you say to me that, one of the reasons he married you is "papers" (u know what I mean?) or because of financial security, I can genuinely assure you that the guy really loves you. Maybe you're the one causing issues in the marriage by asking fir too much and not willing to let go of some things,

@poster, listen up. The man has done absolutely NOTHING WRONG to you. YOU need to GET A LIFE. Leave him alone and stop bothering/finding fault with him. You find happiness from WITHIN, not from someone else.

Only YOU can make YOU happy.

He did not come into this world to MAKE YOU HAPPY at the expense of his peace of mind and well being. He is obviously a bit of an introvert.

That he's not hugging you, taking you out every day and chatting morning till night with you is TYPICAL OF MEN.

You will NEVER find a man who does the sort of things you say you want in a million years.

MEN will generally do this for the first couple of years, but after that, they are back to being NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS.

If YOU are bored, it's not HIS fault. YOU look for something to occupy YOUR time, just like he finds things to occupy HIS.

Then you meet in the middle.

Thanks!

^^^

I have a feeling that the OP is an Oyinbo pepper.Their men can be talkatives.

I think the problem stems from cultural difference/understanding.

I dont see the marriage working out well

It seems they are both frustrated and only God knows when one of them is going to kill the other; he who takes the initiative to kill first might be the eventual victor.

@ OP - You have received a lot of really good advice. Take them to heart. However, a few issues worry me.

1) He's not chasing you around the house for sex: I don't know about other guys but I have an insatiable libido. If my girl would let me, we would be doing the do three times a day, everyday including Sunday. A man that is not trying to make love to you until you're running away from him might be getting it elsewhere. Are you sure he's not up to naughty things at these clubs? It's wonderful that you trust your husband but trust should not equal blindness and foolishness. I would recommend you investigate this a bit further. However, whatever you do, don't get paranoid because your husband might just be a low maintenance guy (unlike me!)

2) You: I might be reading too much into this but you come across as if you don't have anything in your life worth getting excited about and that's a big problem. Like other posters have said, you can't find happiness from outside, only from within. Is there a hole in your life that you're looking to your husband to fill? Are you passionate about your career/job or about raising your child? Do you have any married friends you like to hang-out with? What are you extracurricular activities? Do you go to church? Volunteer on the weekends? Go to the gym? Take dance classes? Fill-up your life with things that excite you and you'll begin to welcome your husband's low maintenance attitude a little bit. You have to take ownership of your life and your own happiness. Everything else will follow. A bored wife is a sure recipe for mischief and disaster. If I were your husband, I'll get you pregnant again, quick-quick, so you have something to keep you from disturbing me (just kidding!).

Overall, stay in your marriage. Persevere and fight for it because it's worth fighting for. From what my parents and older ones have taught you, you don't really begin to fully appreciate your marriage until you are in your forties and fifties and all the kids are out of the house. It would be a foolish thing to throw away your marriage before it matures into sweet wine. Good luck dear!

Oh this story really pulled at my heart. I am deeply sorry, you seem to be a very honest person, you've expressed your own faults and his (though you went into more detail with his).

I want to know where you went wrong, and if you are still not doing enough,  you might be doing all the 'wifely' things but are you doing things that will develop a strong relationship.

You remind me of a few wives I know, they bit their tongues, they tried to be perfect in their relaitonships, but that really wasn't them. You mentioned that he was never an emotional man or very talkative from the beginning, and that things have just declined since, and to be honest that is the trend that most marriages follow, especially once people get relaxed in their situation.

Before I continue I just want to state that I am not married, or in a relationship, so please take my words with a pinch of salt.

I know you feel like your marriage is lack-luster but I think there is a lot of good in it, it is probably by comparison that you feel this way, you imagine what your ideal marriage would be like and you compare it to your current state, imagine instead if everyone you ever knew, had husbands that beat them and disrespected them, and that were cold to them, you would be thrilled to have your silent man.


In my opinion I believe what is needed is an extremely serious conversation. Being casual and trying to bring the topic up subtly has not worked, so you need to make it known that you have been very quiet about an issue that has been worrying you for a very long time.

You need to discuss the fact that you don't think you are growing together, and everything else you've mentioned.

Yes, everyone is different, some are more emotionally open than others, but I think as humans we all feel the same, we just surpress and express in different amounts and types. I think your husbands quietness and emotionless demeanour is a learned behaviour, he probably doesn't know any better, how do you think you can approach this? Will he react to your honesty and sincerity, maybe a tearful and emotional conversation - or do you think standing your ground being firm, and blunt - straight to te point would be a more effective way of stating your point? Only you can decide this.

There is a great response from Moremi above ^

All the best.

This is a sad story. When I consider this, other NL tales, and my parents marriage, I do not think I want to get married in life. If these are the cons (these kind of inscrutable struggles), then pray tell what are the pros?

The thing about honestly seeking for advice on nairaland is that a lot of people are self righteous. They brag and are  hypocrites. A lot of the comments on here the poster can do without as it wont help her at all. Nigerians are just a special lot.

Read through. Pick and choose the one you think best fits. Goodluck!

why did you marry him in the first place when you both have NOTHING in common. no chemistry. nothing. 
did u get pregnant and felt pressure to marry? 

to me, I can't blame him too much because you married him knowing who he was. the problem is that you were expecting him to change after marriage.
if he had been a different guy before you married him, I would have sympathized with you more. but you knew him before you married. your eyes were open to his personality and opinions.

you can keep waiting, praying and hoping that he will change or become more "romantic" to you. but that probably won't work. generally in most marriages, couples tend to become less romantic as time goes on. not more romantic. so your cause is lost.

my advice for you will be to deal with your marriage. you "chose him" like you said. so deal with the life that you chose for yourself.
otherwise, get a divorce.

meanwhile though, I would plead with you to make yourself happy. start thinking more about your own happiness. Make friends, do things you enjoy doing again. you said you made lots of sacrifices for your husband. well if you feel that he doesn't appreciate these sacrifices, why do you need to keep upholding them? get back your culture and things you enjoy. don't let your husband deprive you of happiness. if you can't have him, at least you can have yourself. do what you want and if he gets mad at you for it then that's his problem. let him know that he's not a perfect husband either. far from it.

I know many things I said sound harsh but truth hurts.

beejaei:

This is a sad story. When I consider this, other NL tales, and my parents marriage, I do not think I want to get married in life. If these are the cons (these kind of inscrutable struggles), then pray tell what are the pros?

if you marry the right person, marriage is rewarding.
the problem is when you marry the wrong person. maybe out of stubborness, initial lust (that always wear out after 3yrs or so) or whatever reason people get married without knowing their spouse well. or thinking that they can change their spouse. those are recipe for disaster.

oyinda.:

if you marry the right person, marriage is rewarding.
the problem is when you marry the wrong person. maybe out of stubborness, initial lust (that always wear out after 3yrs or so) or whatever reason people get married without knowing their spouse well. or thinking that they can change their spouse. those are recipe for disaster.

So how do you know when someone is the right person? People lie to get what they want. Interests change over time. Waistlines expand or contract. Some times success surges and ebbs. What is the most important criteria for you?

moremi2008:

So how do you know when someone is the right person? People lie to get what they want. Interests change over time. Waistlines expand or contract. Some times success surges and ebbs. What is the most important criteria for you?

yea you're right. things change sometimes. that makes things tricky.

that's why marriage can be luck sometimes. sometimes, it takes a few hours of conversing with the person to know that they are perfect for you. sometimes it takes years. yea it's confusing.

to me (everyone is different), the right person is the person who is easy to love. Even without them buying you earrings or gifts, you want to do so much for them. I see this in one of my male friends so I know what love is. he's taken though by a very wonderful girl too so I do feel very happy for him. but I know that when I meet the right one, I will know. you just know. It's not a selfish love or even a romantic love. it's just unconditional.
but then, most people marry for convenience sometimes. not because they met "the one."Like the OP's husband, the suspicious side of me tells me he partially married her for greencard. lol

for the part about waistlines expanding or contracting. if you stop loving your spouse because her waistline expanded or because she got into an accident and has to be amputated. then sorry. u never loved her in the first place.
this thread for example, the husband seem to have unconditional love for his wife.
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-565393.0.html

oyinda.:

yea you're right. things change sometimes. that makes things tricky.

that's why marriage can be luck sometimes. sometimes, it takes a few hours of conversing with the person to know that they are perfect for you. sometimes it takes years. yea it's confusing.

to me (everyone is different), the right person is the person who is easy to love. Even without them buying you earrings or gifts, you want to do so much for them. I see this in one of my male friends so I know what love is. he's taken though by a very wonderful girl too so I do feel very happy for him. but I know that when I meet the right one, I will know. you just know. It's not a selfish love or even a romantic love. it's just unconditional.
but then, most people marry for convenience sometimes. not because they met "the one."Like the OP's husband, the suspicious side of me tells me he partially married her for greencard. lol

for the part about waistlines expanding or contracting. if you stop loving your spouse because her waistline expanded or because she got into an accident and has to be amputated. then sorry. u never loved her in the first place.
this thread for example, the husband seem to have unconditional love for his wife.
https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-565393.0.html

I like the "easy-to-love" part. Thanks. Good luck finding your true love.

Marriage is a deliberate attempt to live with someone you [b]love [/b]for the rest of your life. It is not only in good times but in no-so-good times. If things are not going your way, be patient, eventually the pendulum will swing your way. Love is the foundation, without it no Marriage will last. But love is not enough, you need commitment and dedication to your spouse.

moremi2008:

I like the "easy-to-love" part. Thanks. Good luck finding your true love.

hahahha no problem. I'm not looking for love. but goodluck to u in finding yours.

OP

The truth is that your husband is wired differently from you as far as showing love and being romantic is concerned and it will take forever to change him.

Now that you know/understand him, I will advice you become more creative in getting the fun/happiness you want from him with the way he is.

It's not a selfish love or even a romantic love. it's just unconditional.

I like this part. I think the love that can withstand tough times must be built on something stronger than "he is cute" or "she is sexy" or "buy me this" or "do this for me". It should be something more pure, coming from a better place. But then, maybe I am just a dreamer.

I went through all of your answers, some of them really touched me.

@ akindayor, I have a life outside of the house. And that's actually another reason why I married him knowing he was not the romantic-type, because I knew that I would not be blinded by a short time passion and that I could find balance between my personnal and professional life. I have friends, great dreams and plans for the future, which I am able to fulfill with or without him, but I wish to do it with him,

Have you deflated his so called ‘ego’ so much because you want him to change and love you more by your actions, attitude, insolence, un-submissiveness. Now he has changed for the worse like most men he has found HAPPINESS outside of home. As it stands he enjoys the company of his kid(s) and would rather spend time with anyone else than you? (does he all of a sudden cheer up at the prospect of a going out with friends, watching a match when some few minutes before while you were with him he sounded depressed?)

You know, you've really hit it, all of your message was so true. But this part especially. This is the kind of mistake I know I made. I did bruise his ego, and I did hurt him, emotionnally. I know that now, I am aware of it. But I didn't know at the time. I didn't know that talking to my man and standing my ground would be considered "disrespectful", I didn't know that asking him to carry my heavy bag while pregnant would be labelled "disrespectful", I didn't know that asking him to give me a hand with the dishes while friends would be at home would sound "disrespectful" to him. But let me tell you, the first time a man ever threatened me, shouted at me to "shut up", or left the house without a word for days to "teach me a lesson", it was my husband, and I felt it was highly disrespectful too. I felt completely denied as a human beings, I felt abandoned when he refused to come back home during the first months of my pregnancy. I never felt so disrespected in my life.

But I married him, and I knew it wouldn't be easy considering our culture differences. So I did shut up, I waved goodbye when he was going out, prepared his meal when he was getting up, stopped sharing my true feelings with him, stopped asking him for help. And peace came back between us. We stopped arguing so much, we even had some good times. But as time passes, it seems he is even getting used to that, and is asking for more submissiveness to him. Now he finds it normal to wake me up at 5am to get his stuff ready for work (as if he couldn't get it ready the day before), he complains and brings his bad mood at home about whatever topic, even if I'm not responsible for it, he says he only keeps his job because of his child (how about me?). And all this time, I'm just playing the "good wife" role, that isn't even truly myself. So where are all the promises he made when we decided to get married? where is his commitment? I told him many times before we tied the knot, that such marriage would require sacrifices on both sides, I even offered him to do a "paper wedding", in case that's what he was looking for. He called me fool, and said he truly loves me.

@moremi2008: I also worry about his lack of interest in the bedroom, that's why I sometimes doubt his feelings for me (which makes him mad), but I am very sure that he is not cheating on me, at least not currently, and if he ever did, I don't think it was anything serious.

@oyinda, thank you for your realistic advice. I know I can't change him completely, but I also know how I love him, and that it's not about him changing completely, but making efforts for the relationship to work.

I haven't found the strength to talk to him yet. sometimes I want to, but I'm short of words, I'm scared of his reaction, I know that he feels something's going on, and I'm afraid he might just start blaming it on me again, I pray I'm wrong and he'd listen to me when I'd finally open up.

beejaei:

I like this part. I think the love that can withstand tough times must be built on something stronger than "he is cute" or "she is sexy" or "buy me this" or "do this for me". It should be something more pure, coming from a better place. But then, maybe I am just a dreamer.

you are not a dreamer. it's true. in fact, it seems very boring. it's called conjugal love.
to me, there should be stability and comfort in a good marriage.

///

I didn't know that talking to my man and standing my ground would be considered "disrespectful", I didn't know that asking him to carry my heavy bag while pregnant would be labelled "disrespectful", I didn't know that asking him to give me a hand with the dishes while friends would be at home would sound "disrespectful" to him. But let me tell you, the first time a man ever threatened me, shouted at me to "shut up", or left the house without a word for da
ys to "teach me a lesson", it was my husband, and I felt it was highly disrespectful too. I felt completely denied as a human beings, I felt abandoned when he refused to come back home during the first months of my pregnancy. I never felt so disrespected in my life.

But I married him, and I knew it wouldn't be easy considering our culture differences. So I did shut up, I waved goodbye when he was going out, prepared his meal when he was getting up, stopped sharing my true feelings with him, stopped asking him for help. And peace came back between us. We stopped arguing so much, we even had some good times. But as time passes, it seems he is even getting used to that, and is asking for more submissiveness to him. Now he finds it normal to wake me up at 5am to get his stuff ready for work (as if he couldn't get it ready the day before), he complains and brings his bad mood at home about whatever topic, even if I'm not responsible for it, [b]he says he only keeps his job because of his child (how about me?). [/b]And all this time, I'm just playing the "good wife" role, that isn't even truly myself.

you opened your eyes and married a man who disrespects you. what do you want now?

you keep blaming it on cultural differences. what you are describing here are not cultural differences. leaving your wife for months when she's pregnant and refusing to help her in these months is not cultural difference.

waking up at 5am everyday to get your husband's stuff ready for work is definitely not cultural difference.

caring for only your children and leaving your wife out is not cultural difference.

what u are describing is a coarse husband. You say he's nice and caring. I really don't see it at all from your posts. what is nice about him?  
how does he treat his family? you can try complaining to his mom and sisters.

this is not cultural difference abeg.

I know I can't change him completely, but I also know how I love him, and that it's not about him changing completely, but making efforts for the relationship to work.

lol. what if in his mind, his relationship is perfect? and he considers himself to be caring enough just by being married to you?
you are doing everything he wants right? you "shut up," you wake up at 5am to get his stuff ready and serving him throughout the day without any work or effort on his part. what if to him, his relationship works and doesn't need any effort?

if he never respected or cared for you before you married him. I think the likelihood that he will start now is very slim.  My wonder is why you married a guy who disrespects you in the first place and you blame it on "cultural difference." Even if it were cultural difference, most smart people will stay clear if they know that this will affect the success of their relationship.
I'm very confused. how did you even fall in love with such a guy?  

u sure he didn't use juju on you? lol

CC, thanks for still checking on that post

I did apologize to him, after we had those fights, and even years later. I think he accepted my apologies but he still feels bad with himself and maybe that's what is standing between us. When I met him he was at a very low point in his professional life. I witnessed friends "betraying" him and not helping him. I was there and stayed by his side, we slowly built some stability back, we got married, he moved in with me, we had our first child. Throughout all of it, I was the one financially supporting the home. It has been really difficult for me, handling this pressure on top of other things, and I told him but he couldn't accept that it was truly hard for me, he thought I was just pointing out how unable he was.

He is now the main provider, but he struggles a lot for it, and he somehow realizes that he needs to rely on my own income to make it work. At least for now.

I personnally don't mind, I've been raised thinking it is my duty as well as a man's duty to provide for the home. I never expected a bf - talk less of my husband - to provide for me. But he is a proud nigerian man, and maybe he feels like a failure because of his professionnal situation (but who says it's gonna last! I'm sure he will be successful someday), about my own professionnal situation (when I earn more than he does) and so on. But I am not responsible for it. I don't have to emotionnally "pay" for it. Can't he just get over it and realize that I don't care about his wallet but his happiness?

[b]Men: very complex creatures, but the easiest for a woman to catch. Any wife can tame her husband, if shes wise enough.7
Please note that word "WISE".

@poster: I think you fall in the same category with my ex gf. To her, I was the author of her entire agony and pain. She always wanted more and more attention from me, and I wasnt the type that gives that much attention. And why on earth would any woman's insecurity become the theme of a man's life, when all she desire is just excessive attention which men are natural ungifted to extol? Happiness in marriage is always a matter of choice. Your man could be the most romantic, yet you can be displease with your relationship if you so will.

All im trying to say is this: that there are three types of married men:

1. The nightmare: they dont care anything for you or your wants. And they stop caring or providing once you dont catch his fancy no more. You have majority of men here in Africa.
2. The wisp: they are horrible at been great husbands, and always been around for all the attention of their women; but as almost hopeless as they appear, they still play that role of been the caring man, taking care of family needs, and when encouraged and wisely treated can become better.
3. The ideal man: which is always the prince charming most women dream up. They are very rare. And most of them arent even real, they either fool their wife, and discreetly do a lot of messing around. And thats what a lot of men do now adays. Fool them, because its smarter that way.

Believe me, if you divorce your man today, it wont take him more than a month to find another woman, who might fix him completely to her will. Its not impossible. Eve gave Adam something as abominable as the fruit from the tree of life, she ruined him, yet he was still inlove with her. Did you think she didnt go through some hell to win his heart back? Oh, well, the Bible is nothing but a summary, so you better start reading Biblical commentaries besides what your pastor yowl.

Anyways, there are different types of women: the snake; those who strangle the life out of their men; the pig, the dogs, the chicken: restless, insecure and illogical type; the tiger, the boar, the rat, etc, you need to know where you belong if belonging to such category will ruin your marriage and relationship.

Anyways, im sure you will get ontop of this problem; in management, you dont fix a problem you cant identify. Abeg, set a 2011 agenda of winning back your man. Though, he will never that handsome devil you once fell inlove with. Change is the only constant thing in life. That means, theres many challenges ahead for you both.
Goodluck.

[/b]

///.

sorry to hear that
but it is not really easy for two people get together
are there really no way out?



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