sassysure:

Most people change when they didn't meet their expectations.

See, Sass...on this, you and I operate on completely different philosophies.

I personally do not believe anyone changes (speaking of adults here), not children or teens. This is one of my guiding principles in human relationships.
I'm even much more comfortable with people who are transparent enough to show their negatives as well as their positives...at least you know exactly who you're dealing with and can work around it.

That false expectation which you noted as the reason why people change, is rooted on idealism - the need to focus only on positives, the belief that archangels walk the earth in human form.

Any man/woman who appears too good to be true, is definitely too good to be true.
This is reality.

sassysure:

She obviously don't want to leave. It's frustration that's speaking so don't hold on to that but advice her as you will advise your sister.

Dear, if my sister tell me say she wan leave, I won't advise her otherwise.

I don't baby adults, female or male...

What a person wants is what he/she should say, ain't no one got time to be psychoanalyzing what someone really means beneath what they are saying.

Drizzy5001:
My mum went through all this things too, my dad turned her to a punching bag, when I was still a little boy , but I'm over 20 now , Dem no born am to beat my mum... Rather he will just be shouting that's all. My mum on there other hand dey try her best to avoid his wahala ... marriage is for better for worst.

The bolded is wrong on so many levels, so many innocent lives have been cut short because of those words, you're lucky your mum is still alive.

Ishilove:
Your husband sounds like my ex. If not that he is married to you, I would have sworn that he is the same person. Nasty creature.

I dealt with the situation by simply exing him, but your case is not so simple. My advice will be to endure until you can endure no more. When you get pushed to the wall, you will fight back. The outcome of that fight is what I don't know.

nahzyla:


It's like we are many in this WhatsApp group.

My own is similar to hers but no beating, just ungratefulness and entitlement and overbloated ego.
I made the mistake of marrying when he had nothing thinking I can support until he finds his feet but na so so ungratefulness and seeing disrespect where there is none. Na him dey even disrespect me sef but you dare not say anything remotely offensive to him. He will even start gossiping me and picking my faults to his friends when I am right there with them.

The plans he used to tell me he had to establish himself, these days if you remind him he will get angry and make excuses for why he cannot get a lucrative job. It's the small business that hardly earns anything he has been doing since.

Me self still dey take BP medicine every day, right now my mind is divided between leaving him or staying and working on things.

I wish young girls of nowadays will learn that you should NEVER ever for any reason marry a man that is economically inferior to you.

If a lady says she wants to marry a man who is established, they will call her a goldigger. Now that she has chosen to build life small small with a broke man, he has turned out to be an ungrateful asshole.

Love gbakwuoku biko.

Ardar:


The bolded is wrong on so many levels, so many innocent lives have been cut short because of those words, you're lucky your mum is still alive.

u are right dear.

op
I won't say you lie because I know a woman I met online too that is going through a similar issue that we are working on but
definitely not you.

Kindly apologize to him, living with your husband and not talking for 7 days is harsh.
Do it because you are displaying wisdom and that you are not a weakling.

Your home has to be a peaceful haven.

I don't care what your home is going through as long s you earn you must have savings.
Save 10% of your earnings. This can be used to start a business in future or even as a bailout
one day. Save money.

Buy yourself little things you need like shoes and the likes. How can you be working and struggle to get little things?
It's not convenient but squeeze through. For this another 10%. Pay your tithe if you are a tither and the remaining
70% you can put into your family.

Many women like you these till they go to their graves, their men put them under pressure because they have made themselves available.
This is not bad but should not be a norm.

As much as possible, be yourself show him you are still the woman he married and of course avoid unnecessary arguments with him.
Your silence will not make you stupid or a weakling. It demonstrates maturity.

I can go on and on, but immediately go to him and tell him sorry.

crackkhaus:

Yes.

You that is asking, are you married?

The woman herself has admitted that it's money that's holding her back from leaving, and you're still preaching your own.

Home breaker

Seriously some Nigerian men are just a joke,I got hooked up with a guy, well i am not sure if he is broke or not,but the manner he commands me made me to have a rethink, everything he wants you to apologize even the one he is guilty of, well as for me, am working and doing well,I can't because of marriage put my neck in a hook.
Least I forget,he will tell you that he is the man bla bla...
Yersterday,he insulted me like kilode, I just replied, thank you.
Nah so I take jakpa..I can't kill myself on top man and marriage matter.
Nne, please try and have some savings no matter how small, pray harder, you have already entered, you can't jakpa like that,I pray the man turns a new leaf soonest.

infogenius:
op
I won't say you lie because I know a woman I met online too that is going through a similar issue that we are working on but
definitely not you.

Kindly apologize to him, living with your husband and not talking for 7 days is harsh.
Do it because you are displaying wisdom and that you are a weakling.

Your home has to be a peaceful haven.

I don't care what your home is going through as long s you earn you must have savings.
Save 10% of your earnings. This can be used to start a business in future or even as a bailout
one day. Save money.

Buy yourself little things you need like shoes and the likes. How can you be working and struggle to get little things?
It's not convenient but squeeze through. For this another 10%. Pay your tithe if you are a tither and the remaining
70% you can put into your family.

Many women like you these till they go to their graves, their men put them under pressure because they have made themselves available.
This is not bad but should not be a norm.

As much as possible, be yourself show him you are still the woman he married and of course avoid unnecessary arguments with him.
Your silence will not make you stupid or a weakling. It demonstrates maturity.

I can go on and on, but immediately go to him and tell him sorry.

^^

Birds of similar plumage

MizJaY:
sorry for d long message but this lockdown period might favour reading long msgs. I'm d quiet type so I have never open mouth to insult my husband during any misunderstanding. just arguments and my voice may go up a bit trying to explain or clear myself but he will start saying im raising my voice and talking back at him and start saying all sort of things, honestly sometimes I wished I could unleash d anger deep down and screammm but I always have self control. if u sit with him, he will give u a million reasons why I'm not a good wife and if u don't know me well, u will fall for it because he tells it so well. I will not say everything he says is false, but 80% is. Only those that really know me, will know he is d one dat has problem he's too difficult at times. In an office, there's usually that one person that quarrels with everyone am I right? But I end up being d only person that dat person doesn't quarrel with cos I try as much as possible to avoid quarrels that's just d kind of person i am. Calm n quiet. When I met my husband nysc days, he was very close to God, organizing programs in church and handling them. That was d main reason I got close to him cos i wasnt so spiritual and needed someone to help me grow spiritually thru life. He told me he was called to be a pastor and that excited me but im not seeing that now lol. He's spiritual life is almost zero. And back then, he had nothing, we would spend all my money even to reach he's sick mother in d village i would buy all d foodstuff to send to her, d way he talked he sounded promising that things will get better with him, but today, I still suffer, I have no savings, all my salary is on d house. He works too and earns but he's salary cover rent and d children's school fees finished. I do d rest but he doesn't appreciate d fact that i sacrifice everything I earn to feeding d house we are family of 6. Everything provision, food, children school snack, fuel for car n gen gas filing etc etc it's me. And that's how my whole salary will just go fiam, if I ws getting a little appreciation I for no mind but rather i get insult o. It's my fault that
Money is finished, it's my fault that we have no savings, I don't know how to manage money, I'm hoarding my money etc etc those are d words that come out of his mouth o � I used to be a beautiful woman but no more, I wear one shoe everyday to work, can't buy myself clothes shoes nothing I had to cut my hair to relieve myself from hair money lol. I'm stressed out thinking of where money will come for feeding when my salary gets finished before month end at times I have to beg my sister or my dad a pensioner or hussle one way or d other. I now developed high bp and today I'm living with hypertension taking drugs everyday. It was my parents that gave my husband d job he's doing today. He is not in talking terms with he's dad n siblings. Before he's mother died, things were not too good between them. My husband likes to always form man of d house and want me to apologise whenever there's a misunderstanding saying that I am d one wrong, I'm always wondering how am always d one wrong and he's not � every time, sometimes self I don't know what I did that mks him angry he will just start carrying face. Today makes it a week we are not talking cos he has been carrying face since 7days now, and went to post something on wassap yesterday that a woman that cannot apologise to her husband cannot stay in marriage. My brothers and sisters if I know of anything I did that I have to apologise for yet I refused to apologise that is making him carry face, may God strike me. If u know I did anything wrong why not come to me and tell me u don't like what I did and tell me what i did rather than carry face up n down. He always does that. At times I do ask him and as usual am always d one at fault. Maybe it's cos I'm a quiet person he's taking me for mumu. D national anthem now is that because he does not have money that's why I don't respect him the way I'm supposed to. Im always careful with my word when gisting with him cos make I make mistake say Donald duke is d current governor of rivers state haaa problem don enter and it may spoil d sweet gisting we were having. He go almost insult me and become uninterested in gisting with me again cos i don talk mumu talk. So how can I handle such man cos if no be say I be quiet person, I for don receive serious beating black and blue from this man cos he has done it earlier on in our marriage not serious beating sha but I had some bruises. If not that my parents are still alive and warn him. Tho he still attempt once a blue moon I go jus arrange myself. But I'm kind of tired. I have no money cos trust me, if I had, Maybe i for don dey plan my move sef I no dey enjoy marriage life at all

Seriously some Nigerian men are just a joke,I got hooked up with a guy, well i am not sure if he is broke or not,but the manner he commands me made me to have a rethink, everything he wants you to apologize even the one he is guilty of, well as for me, am working and doing well,I can't because of marriage put my neck in a hook.
Yersterday,he insulted me like kilode, I just replied, thank you.
Nah so I take jakpa..I can't kill myself on top man and marriage matter.
Nne, please try and have some savings no matter how small, pray harder, you have already entered, you can't jakpa like that,I pray the man turns a new leaf soonest.

aeion:
. Men with these sexist, I'm-always-right-you're-always-wrong, my-way-or-the-high-way characteristics are usually like that before marriage. You probably saw some of the signs before you got married and thought he would change Or you were too caught up by him portraying himself as a so-called man of God that you didn't pay attention to the things you should have. This is who he is.

Also, I checked your threads. In September 2018 you were seeking financial assistance here and you mentioned being a mother of 3. In another thread in Health in November 2018 you mentioned having a 3-months old. In this thread, you mention being a family of 4, so between last yr and this year you just had another child. Idk why you keep having more kids when you're struggling financially?

The bolded is so not true and it’s not always the case. Some men know how to pretend and behave the right way just to tie the knot. Some men that are like this are the type of boyfriends that apologise or call you many times even when the girlfriend is wrong or never keep malice. Please all this blanket “you must have known he was like that but you still married him” it’s not true for all cases. Unless you knew them when they were dating you have no right to insinuate this was the case.

Dating and being married are different things, there are some scenarios where you can never know how the person will react or behave unless you live with them 24 hrs.

Ishilove:

Home breaker

Tell that to your sisters here

Ishilove:

^^

Birds of similar plumage

meaning?

crackkhaus:

Tell that your sisters here

Nairaland Association of Home Wreckers

Ishilove:

Nairaland Association of Home Wreckers

No be only me waka come

infogenius:


meaning?

Meaning that you and the Op's husband are same ten and ten pence. The woman is complaining of being taken for granted by an egomanic husband and you are advising her to go back to keep apologising. What is her crime? If she offended him then what's stops him from hashing it out instead of keeping malice for over a week? How long will she keep apologising even when she is not at fault? That shit_ can do serious damage to a person's self esteem.

crackkhaus:

No be only me waka come

We are many

Jessicafyne:

The bolded is so not true and it’s not always the case. Some men know how to pretend and behave the right way just to tie the knot. Some men that are like this are the type of boyfriends that apologise or call you many times even when the girlfriend is wrong or never keep malice. Please all this blanket “you must have known he was like that but you still married him” it’s not true for all cases. Unless you knew them when they were dating you have no right to insinuate this was the case.

Dating and being married are different things, there are some scenarios where you can never know how the person will react or behave unless you live with them 24 hrs.

Are you the OP?

Jessicafyne:

The bolded is so not true and it’s not always the case. Some men know how to pretend and behave the right way just to tie the knot. Some men that are like this are the type of boyfriends that apologise or call you many times even when the girlfriend is wrong or never keep malice. Please all this blanket “you must have known he was like that but you still married him” it’s not true for all cases. Unless you knew them when they were dating you have no right to insinuate this was the case.

Dating and being married are different things, there are some scenarios where you can never know how the person will react or behave unless you live with them 24 hrs.

Exactly

aeion:
Are you the OP?

Also, to add, not only you don’t have the right it’s also insensitive asf.

Nne my sis, I am sorry you are going through this hell. My advice is to simply spend as small time as possible with him,take all those suggestions about savings and start planning the rest of your without him. If you can,consider other wealthy prospective men too. STAY STRONG

Jessicafyne:

Also, to add, not only you don’t have the right it’s also insensitive asf.

Your headache, not mine.

Ishilove:

Meaning that you and the Op's husband are same ten and ten pence. The woman is complaining of being taken for granted by an egomanic husband and you are advising her to go back to keep apologising. What is her crime? If she offended him then what's stops him from hashing it out instead of keeping malice for over a week? How long will she keep apologising even when she is not at fault? That shit_ can do serious damage to a person's self esteem.

Because I asked her to apologize doesn't make me the same with him.
You are of the opinion that she continues to keep malice with her husband because
she doesn't know what she has done.

I hope you will accommodate her if this issue aggravates to separation.

A stitch in time saves nine

If she knows she can't continue in the marriage why remain there. But if she's interested in making
her marriage work, there is no crime if she moves for peace in her home.

Your comment clearly tells me you want her to keep malice for as long as possible which is not
decent advice.

infogenius:


Because I asked her to apologize doesn't make me the same with him.
You are of the opinion that she continues to keep malice with her husband because
she doesn't know what she has done.

I hope you will accommodate her if this issue aggravates to separation.

A stitch in time saves nine

If she knows she can't continue in the marriage why remain there. But if she's interested in making
her marriage work, there is no crime if she moves for peace in her home.

Your comment clearly tells me you want her to keep malice for as long as possible which is not
decent advice.

But you do know that it takes two to make a marriage work?

Ishilove:

But you do know that it takes two to make a marriage work?

Yes, I know that very well. I also know that two wrongs can not make a right

infogenius:

Yes, I know that very well. I also know that two wrongs can not make a right

And how long do you propose one person carries the burden of making a marriage work?

God will see you through.

Ishilove:

And how long do you propose one person carries the burden of making a marriage work?

As long as possible. And if he or she feels it is not working as expected, then the dissolution of the marriage is inevitable.

crackkhaus:

See, Sass...on this, you and I operate on completely different philosophies.

I personally do not believe anyone changes (speaking of adults here), not children or teens. This is one of my guiding principles in human relationships.
I'm even much more comfortable with people who are transparent enough to show their negatives as well as their positives...at least you know exactly who you're dealing with and can work around it.

That false expectation which you noted as the reason why people change, is rooted on idealism - the need to focus only on positives, the belief that archangels walk the earth in human form.

Any man/woman who appears too good to be true, is definitely too good to be true.
This is reality.

Situations change people.
Maybe u didn't get my analogy.
Let me give you example.
Most if not all married men want a child. Now, if that child is not forthcoming and it happens that the wife has fibroid, as time goes on, such man usually fulfil his quest for a child outside or marry another wife. But before then he has started acting funny.
A man that expects to make it in life and life happens to have dealt a heavy blow with him is usually aggressive and lash out to the next closest person to him as coping mechanism. The two scenarios above were not how the two men originally appeared to be but as a result of change.
The same can be said about women.
This is the deep truth about marital relationship we deny that exist.
When things don't go as you want it, that's when u notice your spouse nags, is extravagant, drinks, keep late nights etc or even dirty. The reason for so high divorce rate is simply spouses not meeting up to expectations.

Ardar:


The bolded is wrong on so many levels, so many innocent lives have been cut short because of those words, you're lucky your mum is still alive.

You are right but do they allow Nigerians to write their marital vows?

If the clause of better or worse is included in one's marital vow then, they should try and abide by it.. if they don't need it, they should change it