Confusedwomsn:
Thank you all. I'm reading and I totally appreciate.
I know I have to learn how to be humble but trust me it's easy to lie and say I can or I will but. It's not.
Wwe had no settee when we got married and I was like let's work on this it will be nice, he said okay but no real plans to do, I had to save and get it.

The same with the generator, our television, our sir conditioner, our fans, even stabilizer, even extensions. Our gas cylinder was stolen but I had to replace it,
I do sell these with joy because I want to make my home comfortable but when I see men struggle to put their home together I feel jealous, my mom said I should stop buying properties but I can't, how will I see something that is good for my home and not do it.
I've calmly asked him why he does not think about providing these things for us. Even when these things get bad, he will ignore not until I quarrels and shout or report to people before he will grudgingly do it.

I'll try to be humble but trust me it's not easy, I told him just play your role small and I will worship you because with all I'm going true it's difficult because I'll just pretend and be cursing you in my mind.
When I hustle and save to get these things, I'm never appreciated. I'm not boasting but I just felt like explaining how I truly feel...

I had someone who was buying stuffs like you till her mother told her to stop and wait for him to do it.

bukatyne:


What do you think he is gaining from the marriage that he doesn't want to let go?

I asked him and he said GOD, he wants to respect the marriage institution and his son, how is he sure another woman will be better.
This is what he said

Kingarthur21:

If a man marries a lady he doesn't love,she will suffer...that is why it is best for a man to act at will.
I have never seen a marriage that came about because the man was guilt-tripped or pressured into marrying a lady that is sweet.
A woman can manage a man that she doesn't love as long he treats her well,but no matter what a lady does for a man that doesn't love her, she will still shed tears

100% correct.

bukatyne:


I had someone who was buying stuffs like you till her mother told her to stop and wait for him to do it.

My mother told me to stop too but I can't forsake my home

Confusedwomsn:


I asked him and he said GOD, he wants to respect the marriage institution and his son, how is he sure another woman will be better.
This is what he said

Well, I am late to the party, you guys have decided to separate.

You either work out things to be back together or work out things to be divorced.

Goodluck.

P. S. : this his answer was a sweet ammunition.

Confusedwomsn:

My mother told me to stop too but I can't forsake my home

Did she tell you to forsake your home?

Kaamisha:


[img]http:///view/blink-kevin-hart-gif-5514817.gif[/img]

[img]http:///view/laughing-hysterically-trying-not-to-laugh-cant-hold-back-gif-14897807.gif[/img]

I said what I said

Confusedwomsn:
Thank you all. I'm reading and I totally appreciate.
I know I have to learn how to be humble but trust me it's easy to lie and say I can or I will but. It's not.
Wwe had no settee when we got married and I was like let's work on this it will be nice, he said okay but no real plans to do, I had to save and get it.

The same with the generator, our television, our sir conditioner, our fans, even stabilizer, even extensions. Our gas cylinder was stolen but I had to replace it,
I do sell these with joy because I want to make my home comfortable but when I see men struggle to put their home together I feel jealous, my mom said I should stop buying properties but I can't, how will I see something that is good for my home and not do it.
I've calmly asked him why he does not think about providing these things for us. Even when these things get bad, he will ignore not until I quarrels and shout or report to people before he will grudgingly do it.

I'll try to be humble but trust me it's not easy, I told him just play your role small and I will worship you because with all I'm going true it's difficult because I'll just pretend and be cursing you in my mind.
When I hustle and save to get these things, I'm never appreciated. I'm not boasting but I just felt like explaining how I truly feel...

He earns more than you so he is not buying it because he does not want to - you are buying it because you want to.
Reduce the masculine energy. If there is no settee sit on the floor and invite his friends and family over for dinner let them too sit on the floor..

Do not act like it is deliberate..... cunning man die cunning man bury am.

You are way too capable..are you aquarius ??

djon78:



And do you know how many of them that full our churches?
Repentance and true change of a human being can only come from genuine encounter with God. And most times we humans judge people a lot.

I have seen music ministers like that change and turn a new leaf. Judging them or playing righteous won't change them. It's only God that will humans, nothing else does
All you owe them is to keep praying for them.

I know there are a lot of such people in churches today. But the fact that they are very comfortable being in the church and still living in sin goes to show that either they are not regenerated or the church is cold.

Either ways, it shouldn't be. May God give us grace to abide till His coming. In Jesus name.

djon78:

I wonder why people will be blaming this lady. She is married to a man that has no sense of direction. How can a man like this get respect from a woman.
Why will the woman not be frustrated?

The lady is carrying a very big cross.

I also wonder if you didn't read through her posts and updates to see exactly what is going on.

The man she's married to does not care about her or her respect, he is not looking for it. For a man to tell his wife to go ahead and sleep with other men if she wants to, then nothing she does/says gets to him. He even earns more than her, yet is not interested in contributing to their home.
Nigga is just there fulfilling all righteousness, I saw it from the first post but nightingale who has been living with him is still busy singing hymns hoping for a miracle.

There are only three things available in a woman's arsenal to keep a man under her thumb - the sex she gives him, the respect she has for him, or the children she birthed for him.
A man who doesn't care about having sex with a woman or being respected by her, has become immune to her manipulations & blackmail. Your friend here has lost both of these things - she can't use sex to hold him ransom because he doesn't care if she sleeps with other men. And he doesn't need her respect hence he is okay with not providing even though he can, and doesn't mind her doing whatever she wants and likes.

The only thing left is the kid which she said he dotes on. Remember, the only reason he even married her in the first place is because of that same kid (pregnancy), something which he was manipulated into in the name of testing womb efficiency.

So yes, she has the blame, there's no sugar-coating it.
The man is simply not seeing her at all, I'm sure she's dead to him already. The only thing he seems to care about is the child and remaining with him trying to manipulate/force the love and affection out of him, simply means she has still not learnt her lesson from the beginning.

Kingarthur21:
I am not saying it is right or wrong,I also don't support it,he said it doesn't happen,I was disproving him based on the fact it happens

Oh... OK. Well tbh it does happen. I'm fact I am a living witness. But it didn't go well with me because despite I liked the girl as a friend cause she's vibrant and didn't want to date her, she made use of every moment of our friendship to her advantage asking for favors which I never declined till I cut her off.

Best friends... Not lovers.. That is where you got it all wrong! Unless perhaps during the course of the friendship, he gave some hints that he likes you more than just a friend.

I have a female friend.. In fact, bestie that I don't joke with. But I can't marry her. I see her almost like my sister. No atom of romantic or sexual feeling.

Imagine getting married to her. Although I won't maltreat her cause it's not in my nature.. But I won't be contented.

The only route for you now is to leave that marriage. Your husband doesn't and will never love you the way you want. It's not a feeling he can consciously turn on.

I wish you the best.

[quote author=crackkhaus post=89345571]1. You used him to test if you could get pregnant because you were diagnosed with cancer and ovarian cysts.

2. By some miracle you got pregnant and he told you not to keep it, which makes sense, considering that you told him you only wanted to test pregnancy was possible.

3. You came up with the idea of marriage because of the pregnancy, he said no, that was not the plan.

4. He finally decided to marry you, probably out of the goodwill of his heart just to avoid being a baby daddy.

5. Both of you are abusive to each other in the marriage and depending on who you ask, either of you will say the other person provoked it.

6. On top of all these problems, you still asked him to shoot into you again because you want a second child with the same man you[quote]

Mehn, you nailed it.All u stated herein is what it is. My only concern here is the abusive situation that could turn to death.
Op, you can take a walk here in order to be alive

Op, let us be straight and call a spade a spade. The guy you believed you married to, married you out of sympathy. He married you 'cus of pity. By abusing you, don't have sex with you and by calling you a prostitute is enough for you to know you are not married to him. Trying to get pregnant again goes to show you are desperate. If you die by poisoning, he will marry another woman. If you die through domestic violence, he can only get life sentence.

My advice; get a divorce and be alive to see your baby grow.

Which kind life be this sef.....they ones told me getting married to your bestfreind is the best form of marriage ever.....

Staying with him and fighting all the time is more harmful to the child than parting ways. If you must fight in front of that kid, please don't give birth to another.
Send the kid to stay with his grand parents so that you two can fight and kill yourselves since you can't part ways. Just don't cause that child emotional trauma fighting in front of him

I now truly believe I'm being manipulated and abused emotionally.
We had s deep talk about separating and all of s sudden money that I always quarrel and fight for food suddenly pooped out and he even got fuel willingly. I bet you if I'm open to sex he will but in the next two weeks he will turn back to tormenting me.
This is s true life story..

I was asked why he is still with me.

He doesn't love me and does not want to lose my love. He knows I love deeply and I'm all about building our home with my being and he is scared of that.
I'm not falling for it anymore, today I've realized my worth.

I never trapped or deceived any one with pregnancy, I'm not desperate to be married and my biggest mistake was loving this man.
I fell in love with my best friend, shared my darkest fears and secrets with him, I've been s loyal wife and mother and served with my sweat.
I'm not perfect but I'm gold, I know my worth..i refuse to be manipulated again .

Thank you for your words, I appreciate.

Confusedwomsn:


I'm not dragging anything, i want him to be the captain, I will be extremely happy if he is the captain.
It's my cross and I'll carry it, you can judge me but your not my GOD.
God is my judge

God said "submit to your husband". Simple instruction in the Bible you can adhere to that will benefit you, you people won't take it. Instead you'll be looking for complicated approach, speaking in empty tongues, and fighting an imaginary devil that is not even near you.

Obedience is better than sacrifice. Infact, there's no love in that marriage and nothing flourishes where there's no love. I repeat, you never loved that man.

You can act like superman or pretend to be an angel, if there's no love in your heart, everything is in vain. Your tone of message makes it look like you're full of strife.

Your exit plan though! Is that how you use people?

Stop playing the victim just because someone is telling you the truth.

Confusedwomsn:
I got married about five years ago to my friend becsuse I got pregnant...
We were really good friends, infsct best friends and I shared everything with him, I told him everything. While dating I was sick and diagnosed with ovarian cyst and I got to know that I may find it difficult to get pregnant. Stupid me confided in him that Im scarred I may not be able to get pregnant and we should try. And then I got pregnant and I was like okay fine what's the big deal we are both working and in love, let's get married and have the child but he said I should abort the baby.
I told him no but if he does not want to get married to me fine. So many bullshit later, we got married and it's been hell.
I have endured every bullshit possible beatings, neglect, insults and all that. But I have not been innocent too I've been abusive too.
If you ask me I'll say he provoked me but if you ask him he'll say I provoked him.

He says I don't respect him but I tell him he can't force me to respect him, he has to earn it.
For example, he does not do any housechore , no not even one although I don't really care much because I have someone thst helps me out but I've asked him to take care of his clothes which he does not, scatters his clothes like s child and just wants to sit and press his phone all day then hang out.
We both work and he earns better right now, but I'm 80oercent provide for the upkeep for our home, 99oercent of the furniture and appliances in our home was bought by me. He constantly accuse me of cheating when I don't go anywhere at all, I go to work, my shop and straight back home. He keeps late night and comes back to call me s prostitute and I'm like I sit at home but you go out but somehow I'm the prostitute.
When I'm angry I insult him so much and then he hits me, I insult him because I'm frustrated.
I go out there hustle so hard but I'm been ridiculed..

I told him let's have one more child to make it two but he said no that he is notsure , he is never sure about anything, very slow. I still want to have one more child with him because I want all my kids to have one Father but he says his not ready. When will you be ready, he does not know...

My family thinks I'm crazy to still be with him but I don't want my son to grow from s broken home, I don't want my kids to have different fathers, I actually still do love him and although it may be foolish of me, I somehow believe he will change.
I've prayed, cried, fasted but there is absolutely no difference. People tell me I this is how cross river men are but for how long will I continue, he is seven years older than me but behaves like s child with no future plan. I really confused and sincerely tired.

So it's better for your kids to grow and get psychologically scarred from this excuse of a marriage? He probably feels u lured him into marriage.

G12:


God said "submit to your husband". Simple instruction in the Bible you can adhere to that will benefit you, you people won't take it. Instead you'll be looking for complicated approach, speaking in empty tongues, and fighting an imaginary devil that is not even near you.

Obedience is better than sacrifice. Infact, there's no love in that marriage and nothing flourishes where there's no love. I repeat, you never loved that man.

You can act like superman or pretend to be an angel, if there's no love in your heart, everything is in vain. Your tone of message makes it look like you're full of strife.

Your exit plan though! Is that how you use people?

Stop playing the victim just because someone is telling you the truth.

No woman will submit to a sadist unless she's a wimp.

Confusedwomsn:
I'm not in evil person, yes I have s bsd attitude but I'm not evil.
I was 23yesrs and he was 3o when we got married but somehow everybody See Me as s manipulative human being that trapped him, you can judge me and call me liar but GOD is my judge.
You think if I did not love him I'll open my legs for him.
I'm not perfect but I've suffered with sweat and blood to build this home

Well...

Madam, please calm down. I think your marriage can be fixed. The bothering issue is the beating which I totally frown at. From your narration, what leads to the beating is when you insult him after being provoked. Please, try and avoid any form of argument with him. I believe its argument that leads to him calling you names and thereby, you insulting him. Having said that, let me make some points.
1. Your husband still wants to be with you. All the late nights, hanging with friends, avoiding sex is just to force you into submission. That is the only way to get you since he knows those things hurt you.
2. Your husband does not know how to talk. Calling you prostitute is as a result of his unbridled tongue. Ignore him. He can't stand you cheating. If he does, he won't be jealous seeing you talking to another man.
3. You want to enjoy your man, give him what he wants which is submission. Let him take charge.
It's not going to be easy but you can do it.
Also note that it might take time but with consistency, you will get him to be a loving man again.
All the best!

All will be well again .

crackkhaus:

I also wonder if you didn't read through her posts and updates to see exactly what is going on.

The man she's married to does not care about her or her respect, he is not looking for it. For a man to tell his wife to go ahead and sleep with other men if she wants to, then nothing she does/says gets to him. He even earns more than her, yet is not interested in contributing to their home.
Nigga is just there fulfilling all righteousness, I saw it from the first post but nightingale who has been living with him is still busy singing hymns hoping for a miracle.

There are only three things available in a woman's arsenal to keep a man under her thumb - the sex she gives him, the respect she has for him, or the children she birthed for him.
A man who doesn't care about having sex with a woman or being respected by her, has become immune to her manipulations & blackmail. Your friend here has lost both of these things - she can't use sex to hold him ransom because he doesn't care if she sleeps with other men. And he doesn't need her respect hence he is okay with not providing even though he can, and doesn't mind her doing whatever she wants and likes.

The only thing left is the kid which she said he dotes on. Remember, the only reason he even married her in the first place is because of that same kid (pregnancy), something which he was manipulated into in the name of testing womb efficiency.

So yes, she has the blame, there's no sugar-coating it.
The man is simply not seeing her at all, I'm sure she's dead to him already. The only thing he seems to care about is the child and remaining with him trying to manipulate/force the love and affection out of him, simply means she has still not learnt her lesson from the beginning.

The guy is psycho simple.
Most times guys like this feel they can get away with this, but they always gets paid back in full. And I have no mercy for men like this when there payback comes.

That's how many men are reaping the evil they sowed when the children are grown,
It doesn't end in good.

That's how a family friend of ours, her mum was messed up by there highly irresponsible dad for years since they were kids, only two children
Now they are grown. Lady in question studied engineering, sponsored by her mum through pain. She came out with First Class. Got employed by Exxon Mobil as an international staff. Been living in the US for over 5 years now. That woman ridiculed now spends almost all her time in the US.
The useless man wanted to make amends but the daughter told him its too late. He is miserable in the village.

Maltreatment never ends well. The man may feel he has an upper hand now, but by the time he realises what's happening, it will be too late.
For you to know how useless that op husband is. She said she had suggested that they separate before. But the useless psycho said no.
Why didn't he want separation? Because he is very useless and selfish.

That's one thing I learnt from my dad. Any man that wants to marry his daughter, he will warn you strictly that on no account you maltreat his daughter.
And all his son in law no dey try any nonsense at all
One lawyer came to marry my sister who is a doctor. My old man tell the guy he was not serious. I sorry for the guy. But he knew what he was doing. The guy that later married her is very responsible and my sister is enjoying her marriage.


Our women must be very careful. There are a lot of irresponsible men out there. That has no respect and value for women and marriage. Shine your eyes well we'll. And avoid getting pregnant and marrying because of pregnancy. Women should have great respect for themselves. That's one major way of avoiding irresponsible men.

Confusedwomsn:
I now truly believe I'm being manipulated and abused emotionally.
We had s deep talk about separating and all of s sudden money that I always quarrel and fight for food suddenly pooped out and he even got fuel willingly. I bet you if I'm open to sex he will but in the next two weeks he will turn back to tormenting me.
This is s true life story..

I was asked why he is still with me.

He doesn't love me and does not want to lose my love. He knows I love deeply and I'm all about building our home with my being and he is scared of that.
I'm not falling for it anymore, today I've realized my worth.

I never trapped or deceived any one with...

Op, I feel your pain after the above stated and will advise you to think about urself and ur baby first, so that u don't develope BP at this young age. I am against the domestic abuse aspect of ur marriage 'cus, only the living can tell their story. If u cannot stand it, take a walk. Be strong.

Confusedwomsn:
I now truly believe I'm being manipulated and abused emotionally.
We had s deep talk about separating and all of s sudden money that I always quarrel and fight for food suddenly pooped out and he even got fuel willingly. I bet you if I'm open to sex he will but in the next two weeks he will turn back to tormenting me.
This is s true life story..

I was asked why he is still with me.

He doesn't love me and does not want to lose my love. He knows I love deeply and I'm all about building our home with my being and he is scared of that.
I'm not falling for it anymore, today I've realized my worth.

I never trapped or deceived any one with pregnancy, I'm not desperate to be married and my biggest mistake was loving this man.
I fell in love with my best friend, shared my darkest fears and secrets with him, I've been s loyal wife and mother and served with my sweat.
I'm not perfect but I'm gold, I know my worth..i refuse to be manipulated again .

Thank you for your words, I appreciate.

If you really love yourself ensure you go through with the separation, it is the opportunity you need if at all anything can be right. If you like stay there and be saying he is the one to move out while he buys time to master a new manipulation technique that will take you another five years to uncover.

Let him go and figure out what he really want while you figure yours. If he must come again, the records must be straight. If you fall for let's work things together, it will be your biggest mistake. Let him have the feeling of a valued treasure that can be lost if not well managed you never gave him that option. Imagine, you allowed him to waste your youth for nothing. You are still not even 30, and you want to be comfortable with him turning you to a nun, physically and emotionally battered soul, widow yet married. You hold the knife and yam now, opportunities don't repeat sometimes. Be also prepared to forge ahead if all hope is lost.

There are 5 love languages, read about it.

If he happens to be a Word of affirmation person, you have to be careful how you talk to him, also discover your language and help him communicate better with you.

Adios!!!

Op, I feel your pain after the above stated and will advise you to think about urself and ur baby first, so that u don't develope BP at this young age. I am against the domestic abuse aspect of ur marriage 'cus, only the living can tell their story. If u cannot stand it, take a walk. Woman u got to be strong.

The things women deal with

Confusedwomsn:
I got married about five years ago to my friend becsuse I got pregnant...
We were really good friends, infsct best friends and I shared everything with him, I told him everything. While dating I was sick and diagnosed with ovarian cyst and I got to know that I may find it difficult to get pregnant. Stupid me confided in him that Im scarred I may not be able to get pregnant and we should try. And then I got pregnant and I was like okay fine what's the big deal we are both working and in love, let's get married and have the child but he said I should abort the baby.
I told him no but if he does not want to get married to me fine. So many bullshit later, we got married and it's been hell.
I have endured every bullshit possible beatings, neglect, insults and all that. But I have not been innocent too I've been abusive too.
If you ask me I'll say he provoked me but if you ask him he'll say I provoked him.

He says I don't respect him but I tell him he can't force me to respect him, he has to earn it.
For example, he does not do any housechore , no not even one although I don't really care much because I have someone thst helps me out but I've asked him to take care of his clothes which he does not, scatters his clothes like s child and just wants to sit and press his phone all day then hang out.
We both work and he earns better right now, but I'm 80oercent provide for the upkeep for our home, 99oercent of the furniture and appliances in our home was bought by me. He constantly accuse me of cheating when I don't go anywhere at all, I go to work, my shop and straight back home. He keeps late night and comes back to call me s prostitute and I'm like I sit at home but you go out but somehow I'm the prostitute.
When I'm angry I insult him so much and then he hits me, I insult him because I'm frustrated.
I go out there hustle so hard but I'm been ridiculed..

I told him let's have one more child to make it two but he said no that he is notsure , he is never sure about anything, very slow. I still want to have one more child with him because I want all my kids to have one Father but he says his not ready. When will you be ready, he does not know...

My family thinks I'm crazy to still be with him but I don't want my son to grow from s broken home, I don't want my kids to have different fathers, I actually still do love him and although it may be foolish of me, I somehow believe he will change.
I've prayed, cried, fasted but there is absolutely no difference. People tell me I this is how cross river men are but for how long will I continue, he is seven years older than me but behaves like s child with no future plan. I really confused and sincerely tired.

You said he complains about your disrespectful attitude... Trust me,if you cannot work on that,then you are not ready to make the marriage work.I can bet my balls that if you can do just that which is somehow impossible on your side,he come back to you.

Besides, I thought you said both of you had an agreement to test your fertility chance... Why the breaching from your path?

Confusedwomsn:
Thank you so much for everything.. We just had s deep talk about everything and we have decided on s separation and maybe s divorce later on... Thank you

No na, but why do Nigeria women like separation and divorce thisdays it is becoming rampant.Biko work things out. Being a single mum isn't easy soon Konji would set in,bills would pile up, more annoying another woman would manipulate him to will all you both worked for to her. Biko think deep, don't let emotions be cloud sound judgement.

It took me years to realise that marriage is very complex. I've met best friends become enemies after marriage. I've met people who dated for a decade become enemies after marriage.
I've also met people who barely dated have beautiful marriages. I've met people whom people said had bad character and attitude have fantastic marriages.
There are really no rules. I just think luck and destiny is a very big determinant in whether a marriage will be successful or not.