My wife is too insecure with herself. She is very shy and quiet, she’s doesn’t have friends and she stays indoors always. I noticed that she doesn’t like to take pictures of herself and she doesn’t like to take pictures with me or anyone, not even her family. She will complain that she doesn’t like the way she looks In pictures. I noticed that when we were dating she would always say negative things about herself, always calling herself ugly meanwhile she’s very beautiful in my eyes. Her low self esteem is affecting her behaviour and her interactions with people. She can barely look people in the eyes when talking to them.

Just two weeks ago I had a video conference call with our bible study meeting group at church. They kept on asking about my wife, but my wife insisted she didn’t want to be on camera because she didn’t have makeup on. I told her that her natural face is fine that she should just quickly greet my church members and that’s it. I put the camera on her face, and she snatched the phone out of my hand, threw my phone away and walked out of the room. Embarrassing me on the call, and I had to lie to my church members that she’s not feeling well. Ive noticed that she doesn’t ever want to be seen without makeup by outsiders, I don’t know what kind of woman this is. She will never leave the house without makeup, even if she is just going across the road.

Then just today I posted a video of her and my newborn on my watsapp status. Immediately she saw it she started screaming at me, that why would I post a video of her looking like that. That she’s added a lot of weight from pregnancy and she doesn’t like how she looks, that I should always ask for her permission before posting her. Every minute she’s always complains about her looks, and it’s affecting her way of life. It’s also affecting me as her husband because I don’t understand how a normal person can behave like this. I don’t know if I should start saving money for plastic surgery so that she can have self esteem because no matter how much I tell her she’s beautiful, she doesn’t want to hear it.

This is a critical issue

And you didn't notice any of what you listed while dating?

fxd

I remember when we first met, she would stay at my house for days, she would sleep with her makeup on and her wigs. I was even thinking that maybe she had a skin condition, why is this girl always wearing makeup. It wasn’t until after 5 months that I saw her natural face. I thought maybe she would outgrow this childish nature, but it seems to be getting worse. This is not the way to live.

I will advice u let a sleeping dog lie.

Buy her self esteem books.

Until she believes that God loves her soooo much it will be hard for her self esteem to go up and it will affect all aspect of her life.

Try to get to the bottom of the damage.... childhood! what happened ? who treated her despicably?

All babies are full of themselves so self esteem issues are learnt .... it is not natural to think low of oneself

Finally seeing a therapist albiet an online one is better than plastic surgery

Plastic surgery is also good but the internal lie must be uprooted first.

Sending her kind thoughts.

Just be calm. I suggest she watch Dhar Mann videos on facebook. And buy books on insecurity

If you did the video thing with me i will definately smash that mobile phone... Better don't force your "full of esteem" life on another adult.. And yes you need permission to share someone's pictures on the cyber space... Na busy body just dey worry you Mr. Man... Better focus on your carrer and providing for your family and leave inconsequential things... She is a woman afterall and not a man...

Hmmn.

What are her good points?
Focus on them.
She has such a phobia and it may stem from her childhood or upbringing.

I am sure your church members already know what she looks like. You are proud of your family, she is not proud to show her face without make up.

Give her time and don’t push.

You sound like you mean well, but you need to stop posting pictures/videos of her without her permission and putting her in unprepared situations like putting the camera in her face, it's literally the worst thing you could do to her. It's obviously a very sensitive matter to her, however, she shouldn't have smashed your phone, it should never come to that

Sometimes, no matter how beautiful people tell someone they are, they cannot think the same about themselves unless they see certain things in themselves that they personally want to see.

This sounds like her case, and if she wants to feel better and she can't get past how uncomfortable certain things make her, the wisest thing to do would be to make an effort to work on these things where possible e.g, weight, skin, hair (if these are also issues) and whatever else adds to her insecurities.

Getting rid of bad habits, for example, sleeping with makeup and wigs is not healthy for her skin or hair, in the long term she's just making things worse for herself. As for the social aspect, I don't really see an issue with her being shy and quiet, I'm assuming that's how you met her? Sounds like it's just her personality

If however, you're talking about a new and separate type of anxiety that has developed as a result of her insecurities, maybe it will also start to improve as she works on herself and starts to see herself in a better light. If it's a totally separate thing on its own, dealing with psychological/ behavioural issues are a lot more complex than physical solutions so perhaps maybe do a bit of research on ways to help it

Whilst you should do your part as far as not taking pictures/videos of her without her permission, she can't avoid every single picture from everyone and everywhere, well she can but it may just end up being awkward sometimes. She's entitled to not wanting a picture taken of her, it's just not pragmatic to avoid it all the time

I don't know what advice to give about that except that if she follows through with working on herself, maybe/hopefully she will get become more confident in front of a camera?

Like I said, sometimes people don't believe it until they see it for themselves. But she needs to make an effort where possible (if she isn't already, and I acknowledge that 'working on yourself' does not necessarily guarantee she will become the 'optimal' version of herself in her own eyes, but it's better than nothing), otherwise, she'll just remain in this space forever or end up getting worse. And that just doesn't help her or your relationship

She has been constantly told from when she was young that she is ugly likely by people whom she trusts and values their opinions. Whom do you think has such power over her and whom she has listened to all life before you came into her life?

Can she recover and realise she has been decieved all her life? Yes but it requires 100 percent commitment from you, to break her free from bondage and for her to see the truth as you know it to be. Is it going to take days or months to achieve that? No, it's going to take years to undo the great damage that took years to work.

You would succeed if you do this only with God who shall teach you how to, if you are interested in so doing.

Plain and simple, your wife is an introvert, or at least an ambivert, most likely the former.

You need to stop trying to change her, and give her space to be herself .

How do I know this ? I am an introvert, besides Nairaland and maybe recently Twitter, I really can't talk much to people face to face, except its business, and I always opt for a WhatsApp chat except it totally necessary to see in person, business is the only thing that "brings me out of my shell", because there is no alternative.

This is part of the major reason why I am a freelancer, recently gathered the "courage" to register my business and would be opening a physical location soon.
Does that mean I am insecure ? No !

I am sorry I am talking too much about myself, but I believe it would help you better understand your wife.

Ironically my babe (wife) reminded me this morning that we have not taken a picture together in a long time. Its true, I take like one or two pictures in a year. Sometimes I don't.

She used to think I was insecure until she started understanding me.

The "problem" with introverts is that we notice too much details, we pay too much attention, we try to make everything as perfect as possible, because we don't want other people to have the wrong impression of us, at the same time we don't care what people think if we don't talk to them(I know its ironic). We would easily see flaws where an average person won't see one.

I was extra shy on my wedding day. I didn't have up to 60 people in attendance.I doubt it was up to 40 sef. I was too shy to look into people's faces to count.

I warned family and friends not to share my wedding pictures or videos online.

We don't like crowd, we don't like people being in "our business".

We value our "space" and privacy more than anything.

We also don't like to be constantly in peoples faces or being at the mercy of other people.

Some of us are "afraid" of phone calls, its that "bad"

Its just who we are .

Excessive social interaction , especially when it has to do with speaking or seeing people , just drains us.

About going out, just like her , I hate going anywhere. Let me shock you, in the last two years I can count how many times I have gone anywhere, I am not kidding . Out of 365 days in a year, at least 350-360 is spent at home. Yet I work at least 18 hours everyday.

What can you do to help her ?

1.Constantly remind her of how proud you are of her
2.Tell her how beautiful she looks.
3.Giver her space
4. Understand that this is who she is and don't try to judge her. We feel really sad when the people we love, don't understand us.


You should not bother about her reaction to other people, because it would most likely never change as long as she isn't rude to them. In fact she would be too shy to be rude sef.
Be more concerned about her interaction with you and treat her with love and understanding.

You honestly have no idea how awkward she feels, when you try to force her to interact or socialize with other people.
It was insensitive of you to share her videos and pictures with your child online without her permission. I know how she felt, she felt like the ground was going to open and swallow her up. The same thing happened with the video call you forced on her, she was just giving excuse of not having make up on to evade the video call.

I am sorry sir, this may sound insensitive or rude, but you don't understand your wife Sir. I do a lot.
Please sit her down, may be let her read this post and ask her how she feels about social interactions and you would be amazed when she opens up to you.

People have a very wrong notion that all introverts are extra quiet or have low self esteem
With our loved ones and people we "allow" into our space, we are very free and can share or talk about almost anything and are very conversational (that's the reason she slept with make up when you just met her, she wasn't comfortable enough to lay her "introvert shield" down).

Please try and understand her Sir, and stop trying to force social interactions on her, you would only succeed in pushing her away more. You would drive her deeper into her shell

Are introverts psychologically damaged people ? No, we are one of the smartest, strong willed and motivated people around, because we have enough time to pay attention
Are we awkward ? Maybe
Do we love being this way ? Yes, It blissful
Are we sweet and caring ? More than you can imagine
Do you have more time to spend with us ? Big yes

If you focus on her benefits than her disadvantages, you would enjoy your wife much more than you can imagine.

Chairman....Remove ur mind from plastic surgery matter.

Just give her some time ...she will get rid of that kinda lifestyle....my younger brother was once in the same sphere with her but as of today...He mingle and take pictures pass me seff

Is she a witch

BolaAdenekan:
I remember when we first met, she would stay at my house for days, she would sleep with her makeup on and her wigs. I was even thinking that maybe she had a skin condition, why is this girl always wearing makeup. It wasn’t until after 5 months that I saw her natural face. I thought maybe she would outgrow this childish nature, but it seems to be getting worse. This is not the way to live.

Please ready my detailed response above, it would help you understand your wife better.
She isn't being childish, its just who she is.

kalufelix:
If you did the video thing with me i will definately smash that mobile phone... Better don't force your "full of esteem" life on another adult.. And yes you need permission to share someone's pictures on the cyber space... Na busy body just dey worry you Mr. Man... Better focus on your carrer and providing for your family and leave inconsequential things... She is a woman afterall and not a man...

He did not nothing wrong!! Stop ranting!! ONLINE LION.
WORK ON YOURSELF TOO.

Get her into therapy.

They have told you up there that she's damaged and you know she is!

If you truly care fully for her, you would have seen what caused the damage, who did, why they did it and you would have begun fixing it.

Only if you Truly Care for her Fully and that she knows this to be true, you won't be successful in treating or helping her.

That posting of pictures there's someone in your WhatsApp she is admiring. So she doesn't want the person to see her....

Sense won't kill me

Donald3d:


Plain and simple, your wife is an introvert, or at least an ambivert, most likely the former.

You need to stop trying to change her, and give her space to be herself .

How do I know this ? I am an introvert, besides Nairaland and maybe recently Twitter, I really can't talk much to people face to face, except its business, and I always opt for a WhatsApp chat except it totally necessary to see in person, business is the only thing that "brings me out of my shell", because there is no alternative.

This is part of the major reason why I am a freelancer, recently gathered the "courage" to register my business and would be opening a physical location soon.
Does that mean I am insecure ? No !

I am sorry I am talking too much about myself, but I believe it would help you better understand your wife.

Ironically my babe (wife) reminded me this morning that we have not taken a picture together in a long time. Its true, I take like one or two pictures in a year. Sometimes I don't.

She used to think I was insecure until she started understanding me.

The "problem" with introverts is that we notice too much details, we pay too much attention, we try to make everything as perfect as possible, because we don't want other people to have the wrong impression of us, at the same time we don't care what people think if we don't talk to them(I know its ironic). We would easily see flaws where an average person won't see one.

I was extra shy on my wedding day. I didn't have up to 60 people in attendance.I doubt it was up to 40 sef. I was too shy to look into people's faces to count.

I warned family and friends not to share my wedding pictures or videos online.

We don't like crowd, we don't like people being in "our business".

We value our "space" and privacy more than anything.

We also don't like to be constantly in peoples faces or being at the mercy of other people.

Some of us are "afraid" of phone calls, its that "bad"

Its just who we are .

Excessive social interaction , especially when it has to do with speaking or seeing people , just drains us.

About going out, just like her , I hate going anywhere. Let me shock you, in the last two years I can count how many times I have gone anywhere, I am not kidding . Out of 365 days in a year, at least 350-360 is spent at home. Yet I work at least 18 hours everyday.

What can you do to help her ?

1.Constantly remind her of how proud you are of her
2.Tell her how beautiful she looks.
3.Giver her space
4. Understand that this is who she is and don't try to judge her. We feel really sad when the people we love, don't understand us.


You should not bother about her reaction to other people, because it would most likely never change as long as she isn't rude to them. In fact she would be too shy to be rude sef.
Be more concerned about her interaction with you and treat her with love and understanding.

You honestly have no idea how awkward she feels, when you try to force her to interact or socialize with other people.
It was insensitive of you to share her videos and pictures with your child online without her permission. I know how she felt, she felt like the ground was going to open and swallow her up. The same thing happened with the video call you forced on her, she was just giving excuse of not having make up on to evade the video call.

I am sorry sir, this may sound insensitive or rude, but you don't understand your wife Sir. I do a lot.
Please sit her down, may be let her read this post and ask her how she feels about social interactions and you would be amazed when she opens up to you.

People have a very wrong notion that all introverts are extra quiet or have low self esteem
With our loved ones and people we "allow" into our space, we are very free and can share or talk about almost anything and are very conversational (that's the reason she slept with make up when you just met her, she wasn't comfortable enough to lay her "introvert shield" down).

Please try and understand her Sir, and stop trying to force social interactions on her, you would only succeed in pushing her away more. You would drive her deeper into her shell

Are introverts psychologically damaged people ? No, we are one of the smartest, strong willed and motivated people around, because we have enough time to pay attention
Are we awkward ? Maybe
Do we love being this way ? Yes, It blissful
Are we sweet and caring ? More than you can imagine
Do you have more time to spend with us ? Big yes

If you focus on her benefits than her disadvantages, you would enjoy your wife much more than you can imagine.

Wonderful response.

GoldenJAT:
He did not nothing wrong!! Stop ranting!! ONLINE LION.
WORK ON YOURSELF TOO.

you don’t post people’s unflattering pictures without their permission. His wife has just put to bed, she’s probably insecure alreAdy, then seeing herself in photos posted on her husbands watsapp will only make things worst for herself. The same way you wouldn’t take a picture of your wife tying wrapper and post it online. He should’ve asked his wife if it’s okay to post the picture considering her condition. It’s always good to know The kind of person you marry, to avoid conflicts like this.

[quote author=Donald3d post=89504833]

Plain and simple, your wife is an introvert, or at least an ambivert, most likely the former.

You need to stop trying to change her, and give her space to be herself .

How do I know this ? I am an introvert, besides Nairaland and maybe recently Twitter, I really can't talk much to people face to face, except its business, and I always opt for a WhatsApp chat except it totally necessary to see in person, business is the only thing that "brings me out of my shell", because there is no alternative.

This is part of the major reason why I am a freelancer, recently gathered the "courage" to register my business and would be opening a physical location soon.
Does that mean I am insecure ? No !

I am sorry I am talking too much about myself, but I believe it would help you better understand your wife.

Ironically my babe (wife) reminded me this morning that we have not taken a picture together in a long time. Its true, I take like one or two pictures in a year. Sometimes I don't.

She used to think I was insecure until she started understanding me.

The "problem" with introverts is that we notice too much details, we pay too much attention, we try to make everything as perfect as possible, because we don't want other people to have the wrong impression of us, at the same time we don't care what people think if we don't talk to them(I know its ironic). We would easily see flaws where an average person won't see one.

I was extra shy on my wedding day. I didn't have up to 60 people in attendance.I doubt it was up to 40 sef. I was too shy to look into people's faces to count.

I warned family and friends not to share my wedding pictures or videos online.

We don't like crowd, we don't like people being in "our business".

We value our "space" and privacy more than anything.

We also don't like to be constantly in peoples faces or being at the mercy of other people.

Some of us are "afraid" of phone calls, its that "bad"

Its just who we are .

Excessive social interaction , especially when it has to do with speaking or seeing people , just drains us.

About going out, just like her , I hate going anywhere. Let me shock you, in the last two years I can count how many times I have gone anywhere, I am not kidding . Out of 365 days in a year, at least 350-360 is spent at home. Yet I work at least 18 hours everyday.

What can you do to help her ?

1.Constantly remind her of how proud you are of her
2.Tell her how beautiful she looks.
3.Giver her space
4. Understand that this is who she is and don't try to judge her. We feel really sad when the people we love, don't understand us.


You should not bother about her reaction to other people, because it would most likely never change as long as she isn't rude to them. In fact she would be too shy to be rude sef.
Be more concerned about her interaction with you and treat her with love and understanding.

You honestly have no idea how awkward she feels, when you try to force her to interact or socialize with other people.
It was insensitive of you to share her videos and pictures with your child online without her permission. I know how she felt, she felt like the ground was going to open and swallow her up. The same thing happened with the video call you forced on her, she was just giving excuse of not having make up on to evade the video call.

I am sorry sir, this may sound insensitive or rude, but you don't understand your wife Sir. I do a lot.
Please sit her down, may be let her read this post and ask her how she feels about social interactions and you would be amazed when she opens up to you.

People have a very wrong notion that all introverts are extra quiet or have low self esteem
With our loved ones and people we "allow" into our space, we are very free and can share or talk about almost anything and are very conversational (that's the reason she slept with make up when you just met her, she wasn't comfortable enough to lay her "introvert shield" down).

Please try and understand her Sir, and stop trying to force social interactions on her, you would only succeed in pushing her away more. You would drive her deeper into her shell

Are introverts psychologically damaged people ? No, we are one of the smartest, strong willed and motivated people around, because we have enough time to pay attention
Are we awkward ? Maybe
Do we love being this way ? Yes, It blissful
Are we sweet and caring ? More than you can imagine
Do you have more time to spend with us ? Big yes

If you focus on her benefits than her disadvantages, you would enjoy your wife much more than you can imagine. This person nailed it 4u. GBAM!

I suggest she sees a psychotherapist.

Lol. . . She wil improve, just give it time. I used to be like that until I got a Marketing job with a bank, I had to force myself to be social and accommodating so I can meet up with targets.

OP check out what Donald3d wrote above, there could be no better and comprehensive explanation than that. Your wife isn't damaged, she is an introvert, and there are people like her. Donald3d is one, I am another. I do almost everything you say your wive does, and I'd even react similarly if put in such positions you put her. This is the first time I will see someone describe me so accurately while trying to describe themselves.

OP, I think you shouldn't be surprised by her behavior it was glaring before you got married and it seems like what you will have to live with. I hate that my partner would have rare psychological behaviors just as your wife has Scopophobia.

And I think people are taking things out of context here, this has nothing to do with permission, you do a lot of things without each permission, out rational thinking, you know what is permissive. There're friends you have, when you want to do something, you know you need to inform them about it, while some you feel there's no need and your friends don't mind.

Flaunting your partner not just friend can be out of happy motive.

So OP, now that you've seen how paranoid your partner can be over such things, I'd advice, you don't do such till it is fine with her (I mean she has finally overcome Scopophobia).

My advice for you most likely will break your home so I'll keep that to myself. One evident fact I must state here based on your narrative, however, is that your dear wife does not love you as much as you think [doesn't mean there's no element of likeness].

Forget about photos and focus on your love life. An introvert woman that falls in love with a man will NEVER get mad over her man's decision to upload her photo. Introverts may never upload their photos in 10 years but don't be f00led... They want to see their photos on the DP of the ONE person they love.

In fact, the introverts I know count it all joy when a man they love so dearly do for them the things they wouldn't do for themselves. Start working on your love life man.

Pardon me to say this......

Maybe she was reincarnated into another body she doesn't like, u need to seek a spiritual help biko!!

Acidosis:

My advice for you most likely will break your home so I'll keep that to myself. One evident fact I must state here based on your narrative, however, is that your dear wife does not love you as much as you think [doesn't mean there's no element of likeness].

Forget about photos and focus on your love life. An introvert woman that falls in love with a man will NEVER get mad over her man's decision to upload her photo. Introverts may never upload their photos in 10 years but don't be f00led... They want to see their photos on the DP of the ONE person they love.

In fact, the introverts I know count it all joy when a man they love so dearly do for them the things they wouldn't do for themselves. Start working on your love life man.

I am sorry Sir, but you can't understand it except you are one .

I love my wife more than anyone can imagine, but each time she attempts to post my pictures or even an ordinary post on her status for my birthday I always refuse. On few, very few occasions I might have allowed it.

The day she posted it without my knowledge, I deleted it .

She taught it was because it's her own status, she has full access to my phone so she tried putting up a birthday post on my own status for my own birthday ooo, I deleted the post and told her to stop doing it . I wasn't happy about it at all.

Her wishes to me physically are more than enough.

So with respect Sir, your assumptions that she doesn't love her husband are most likely wrong.

I have also never posted a happy birthday message for my wife as well. A gift to her is more than enough. She is not even on my WhatsApp profile picture.

I ensure I make her happy in multiple ways within my means on her birthday.
Posting online is NEVER a definite proof of love.

GoldenJAT:
He did not nothing wrong!! Stop ranting!! ONLINE LION.
WORK ON YOURSELF TOO.

who you be?? Park one side first nwankwo..