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Marriage In Distress: Need Advice - Family - Nairaland

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Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by bogoshipo: 10:07pm On Feb 26, 2011
my
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Dyt(f): 10:38pm On Feb 26, 2011
dey say marriage is ile eko
if u truely love ur husband lyk u said
sit n sort things out
b wwa he used 2 love n admire back den
m sure u now fat n stucky
look more sexy babe
treat him lyk he s ur world
4get wat he s done
all u shld think of s his happiness
m sure if he s happy def u r
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Goldieluks: 12:52am On Feb 27, 2011
Umm marriage is not easy oh,my dear just be prayerful and keep faith.Play your role very well,as a good wife,you will be fine.
And please stop bothering yourself about his text messages,because you might get unnecessary headache by checking his phone.As for him not handling his own family appropriately,don't bother yourself too much about that,try sorting yourselves out,before bringing the issue of his family up.i hope this help.
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by 190: 1:00am On Feb 27, 2011
DYT is right there

OP listen to her  undecided
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by obowunmi(m): 2:14am On Feb 27, 2011
@ OP, don't get paranoid. He married you.
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by breathless(m): 6:25pm On Feb 27, 2011
Almost passed by, but felt a need to say few words. Hope they make sense and save your marriage.

Truth be told? Your hubby still got feelings 4 his ex. A couple of things have played out which thet seem to be trying to get back on, but marriage has posed a great obstacle. Sister, for no reason should you leave him for another woman to take. Seems you love him enough to entertain his silly excuses. Device a means or strategy to occupy his time and give him enough to take off his mind from his ex and the other girls. (Get pregnant)Hope I'm wrong, but he may just have cheated or will sometime in the nearest future. Ask him how he'll feel if the reverse was the case. Find out from him if its a problem he's trying to deal with and offer to help sincerely. Let him know you need him more than ever now as you've made sacrifices too.

Beyond talking, express your reservations and tell him point-blank were his actions will lead to. Make him realize he'll lose out more cause he started the whole thing. His actions shows he's not ready for marriage and he should grow up and face the challenges. Nobody ever said marriage is a bed of roses. And you, do a self check and figure out where you may "aided" him to become like this. Maybe through action or words or some other ways. Be the "chick" he was dying to marry or did you force him to? (I pray not).

All the best. Cheers
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by ZIMDRILL(m): 6:36pm On Feb 27, 2011
am confused here

you got two stories and one you mentioned about the his family members and you sounded as if it triggered your problems but didnt go into more details then you jumped to ex girlfreind
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Winnergal(f): 8:00pm On Feb 27, 2011
He's still got feelings for his ex . . .There's no doubt about that!
-Talk to him about your worries . . . If you don't want him assisting his ex, tell him and a respectable husband should be able to understand that and respect your wishes . . .
-Talk to your relatives about your problems . . .

-And concerning his relatives disrespecting you, also discuss that with him again and YOUR own relatives. . .

-Above all be patient and wise . . .

If everything else fails, you know what you should do-Kick his cheating and disrespectable backside to the curb. . .
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Winnergal(f): 8:04pm On Feb 27, 2011
obowunmi:

@ OP, don't get paranoid. He married you.

No, he has[i] ojukokoro[/i] . . .He wants to eat his cake and still have it in his hand . . .
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Arosa(m): 8:36pm On Feb 27, 2011
@ op, take your husband to a sex therapist. Spice up your sex life a bite
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Mcleo007(m): 9:20pm On Feb 27, 2011
@poster, the solution lies within ur reach. Play it out nicely; take to the advices already profered herein. They are all sound. In my own view, the spark that used to be btw the both of u is lacking. He obviously didn't care how u'd feel about d text msgs which explains why he kept them. Haba,over 300msgs! Just sit him down and talk things through. There is nothing that dialogue can't solve,if and only if applied wisely. Wish u luck.
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by SweetT1: 12:14am On Feb 28, 2011
bogoshipo:

my husband of 2yrs has always been good and consistent to me. to outsiders i live a fairy tale life. but everything unravelled months ago when i got verbally abused by members of his family. i felt he did not handle the situation well, still feel that way. long story short, they said i have no authority in my house because of our income disparities, mine u I'm well educated, and was financially stable as a single person before i decided to take a pay cut and move after we got married. I DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO WARRANT THE INSULT. That is The truth. anyway i lost trust for my husband after th incident. although he has reassured me that I'm the most important person in his life, to me the damage was done.

i started looking around. he gave me link for discount sent by his ex. i was suprise, to my knowledge they were not communicating, because each time i asked about her, he always said the same thing, i have not spoken to her in a long time. they broke up 06, we met 07. but he once asked for permission to check out her new house, i told him it was highly inappropriate since this girl still wanted him. to my knowledge he did not go, and i put her on my list of things to watch for.

so i was surprise when he spoke about her, i thought why is she in the picture when we r having problems, i asked who made the first contact, he replied her. i went to check, i noticed he made the first contact, they exchange 18 messages that day, not only that i saw that he's been in contact with her the whole time. some months they exchange up to 56 text. in all they exchange more than 300 messages. i was livid, he told i had no right to check his phone, he deleted all messages exchange with her so i could not even see the content. i packed my bags and left the house. he called and begged me to come back.

excuses: he was trying to help her get a job. she is living with a guy, and she's also pregnant, that what is he gonna do with a pregnant. he promised to keep future text messages to show his innocence. fast forward. val day, i noticed they exchanged 18 messages, when i checked his phone, all messages were deleted again. he said his Sim card crashed. the crash left other messages on his phone but magically deleted those ones.

i also discovered he's been chatting explicitly with a lot of girls on line as well as having video conversation. he said he was bored.

I am mad, i am sad, sometimes i forgive but then when i think of the excuses, i can't help but ask if I'm sane, i don't know where to go from here, i have threatened to live a couple of times, i really don't know how to get past this. some please talk to me,

I don't know what to say until i know the owner of the other girl's pregnancy. It's amazing what men put on their heads. Some men use the mouth of a live Cobra to pick their nose.
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by bogoshipo: 1:22am On Feb 28, 2011
thank
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Advocator: 1:29am On Feb 28, 2011
OP I blame you. A marriage can only be broken up by two people. He may be blamed for the cheating (actually punished) but you should have confronted him as a real lady. You should have told him straight up that you needed your divorce paper. You are a good woman and staying with a depraved cheater, signals to him that he’s winning the game.

Leave his a.s.s, obviously life is a Naughty Lady but hopefully once you step out you will feel accomplished. Screw the counseling layout and all that ish. I’m telling you right now; ask for your divorce papers.
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by rasputinn(m): 10:35am On Feb 28, 2011
@ OP

First,I urge you not to listen to advocator,he sounds like less of home breaker,and more of an immature youth,full of exuberance and ABSOLUTE lack of knowledge in conjugal matters and most likely with no spouse of his own,so ignore his error.

Now let me geddit,is it the abuse by his siblings you're angry about or that you FEEL he's cheating
Remember,said you're just two years into your marriage,so you need a lot of effort on your part and on his part to build your very young marriage.I know of couples who,even if they had nothing serious or adulterous with their ex,they still kept sending texts and exchanging calls,I guess this happens when the spouse feels his/her ex was nice to them and so somehow feels a bit of guilt for leaving them for their spouses.Time and a conscious effort on the part of the "offending" couple to overcome this act is ALL it takes to put the ex where they truly belong;in the past and out of their love lives

Good a thing,he has openly told you that you're the most important person in his life(I once had an Ishan client that lives in Houston,who had no qualms letting the whole world know that he valued his people in this pecking order;
His Children
His siblings

Then his wife
Let your hubby know that you're uncormfortable with his communication with hjis ex and that if he truly wants your happiness,you should put an end to that act
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by rasputinn(m): 10:35am On Feb 28, 2011
@ OP

First,I urge you not to listen to advocator,he sounds like less of home breaker,and more of an immature youth,full of exuberance and ABSOLUTE lack of knowledge in conjugal matters and most likely with no spouse of his own,so ignore his error.

Now let me geddit,is it the abuse by his siblings you're angry about or that you FEEL he's cheatingHe may be an Bottom(pls permit me cos I'm a man too),but it's not confirmed he's cheating.
Remember,said you're just two years into your marriage,so you need a lot of effort on your part and on his part to build your very young marriage.I know of couples who,even if they had nothing serious or adulterous with their ex,they still kept sending texts and exchanging calls,I guess this happens when the spouse feels his/her ex was nice to them and so somehow feels a bit of guilt for leaving them for their spouses.Time and a conscious effort on the part of the "offending" couple to overcome this act is ALL it takes to put the ex where they truly belong;in the past and out of their love lives.He said the ex was leaving with another guy,so let the guy be the one bombarding her with texts and let yours stop being in delusion;tell him so,but wisely and politely

Good a thing,he has openly told you that you're the most important person in his life(I once had an Ishan client that lives in Houston,who had no qualms letting the whole world know that he valued his people in this pecking order;
His Children
His siblings

Then his wife
Let your hubby know that you're uncormfortable with his communication with hjis ex and that if he truly wants your happiness,you should put an end to that act
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by rasputinn(m): 10:57am On Feb 28, 2011
^^
In continuation,as per the abuse you got in the hands(or should I say from the mouths) of his siblings,trust me,so many of us have either been on that road or came close to walking that road.Like I said,so many peeps have different ways of dealing with this issue,to some,they'd quarrel with their siblings and side opinionatedly with their wives or vice versa(none of either is advisable as he needs you and his siblings in life),but this is what I'd do if I were your husband;of course I'd sit you down and let you rewind the graphic events that led to the verbal abuse(believing you did not start it yourself),if you were culpable at any point I'd let you know,then I'd go ahead to reassure you that I'll handle the situation after which I'd put a call to all the people you said were involved in this(of course they should be older than you as it would be an anathema for them to be younger than you),and express my dissappointment in their inability to wait to inform me of whatever you may have done to offend them if they could not resolve with you amicably,I'll then remind them that you are now my immediate family so they have no option than to accept you,I'll also make sure I call a meeting for all parties to come,offload their minds,forgive and make up.

From experience,when in-laws hurt you,or your siblings hurt your spouse or vice versa,it really hurts and leaves the other spouse in an akward position that requires wisdom to handle.You MUST be ready to ADMIT(especially to your spouse)your fault in the matter and be ready to FORGIVE your inlaws,confide in and trust your spouse to come through for you.NEVER let your love and respect for your husband diminish at this point in time but rather increase it and let him know,see and feel it and you'll see what happens

Believe me,once you overcome this one,you both will be the better for it and you'll be better placed to deal with any similar circumstances even before they happen
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by rasputinn(m): 11:03am On Feb 28, 2011
Winnergal:

-Talk to your relatives about your problems . . .


What good would that do than to polarise the family,make them percieve the husband with odium.Remember,it's the verbal abuse she said she got from her in-laws that triggered all these,so what if they settle ALL issues bothering her and the hubby becomes her dearest once again,she'd now live to regret ever telling third parties
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by rasputinn(m): 11:12am On Feb 28, 2011
@ OP

I sense you're an existing nairalander but only created this new ID for the purpose of this thread,it all good.I'll follow up till you tell us that everything in your home front is okay,please NEVER,I repeat NEVER listen to those posters that have told you/that will tell you to divorce your husband or fight your in-laws,most of them have bigger heart aches arising from frustrations in their relationships,so they'll all too gladly want another person to join them in their boat;I know you wont do that cos you're a smart girl

God bless you and heal your marriage.Just forgive.
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Blazay(m): 11:45am On Feb 28, 2011
@OP,

You are only going through what most couples experience in the early stages of "ma[b]c[/b]rimony".
You may need to consider the "open marriage" option. A marriage is always open for men, with many doors and windows for fresh air.

Stop worrying yourself, get a job, focus on your life/kids.
You are making this community "husband" of yours and his family too important in your life.
This is why ALL women should be bread winners. grin

Why are you being so sensitve and melodramatic? undecided
Are you not dealing with an African man? Are you not an Afican woman?
I hope you do not stroke out and make your kids the "steps" to another or several women?

I think you need one or two boyfriends yourself. You are a Nigerian woman, this should not be a problem.
In the mean time, invest heavily in condoms.
You ain't seen nothing yet. cheesy

As for the family members, you need to ban ALL of them from
your home. . . .or if you are some "broke" housewife, just sit there till God rescues ya!
You are living in bondage!!!! cry

Take Kia. kiss
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Mcleo007(m): 1:49pm On Feb 28, 2011
Blazay:

@OP,

You are only going through what most couples experience in the early stages of "M-acrimony".
You may need to consider the "open marriage" option. A marriage is always open for men, with many doors and windows for fresh air.

Stop worrying yourself, get a job, focus on your life/kids.
You are making this community "husband" of yours and his family too important.
This is why ALL women should be bread winners. grin

@OP
Why are you being so sensitve and melodramatic? undecided
Are you not dealing with an African man? Are you not an Afican woman?
I hope you do not stroke out and make your kids the "steps" to another or several women?

I think you need one or two boyfriends yourself. You are a Nigerian woman, this should not be a problem.
In the mean time, invest heavily in condoms.
You ain't seen nothing yet. cheesy

As for the family members, you need to ban ALL of them from
your home. . . .or if you a broke housewife, just sit there till God rescues ya!

Take Kia. kiss


Your judgement is harsh,dude. That's too finite!
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by vanitty: 3:02pm On Feb 28, 2011
Calm down.
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by atunkeade: 3:50pm On Feb 28, 2011
Step to follow:-

Just be prayerful and performed ur duty well.

Show him more caring and prepare his meal in time

Welcome him well anytime he comes back

Do not shout on him even if u don't like his attitude at that moment, be patient

it take alot of time but definitely he will come to his sense.

Good luck
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by JustGood(m): 4:13pm On Feb 28, 2011
Advocator:

OP I blame you. A marriage can only be broken up by two people. He may be blamed for the cheating (actually punished) but you should have confronted him as a real lady. You should have told him straight up that you needed your divorce paper. You are a good woman and staying with a depraved cheater, signals to him that he’s winning the game.

Leave his a.s.s, obviously life is a Naughty Lady but hopefully once you step out you will feel accomplished. Screw the counseling layout and all that ish. I’m telling you right now; ask for your divorce papers.

Horrible counsel from the pits of hell.

Bin this counsel please
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Outstrip(f): 7:16pm On Feb 28, 2011
atunkeade:

Step to follow:-

Just be prayerful and performed your duty well.

Show him more caring and prepare his meal in time

Welcome him well anytime he comes back

Do not shout on him even if u don't like his attitude at that moment, be patient

it take alot of time but definitely he will come to his sense.

Good luck


Oh please be quiet. How does any of this make sense
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Outstrip(f): 7:20pm On Feb 28, 2011
@ Poster I don't think that any of this proves that he has feeling for his ex. The only thing I am almost certain of is that he is cheating and also you really need to find out if he got her pregnant. Maybe he loves you but he is being an Bottom right now. I am sure the excuses make you want to kill him. You guys have only been married two years so this is usually the toughest period in a marriage
Let your husband know that you know he is a cheating dog. If you think you can forgive this and he shows that he is repentant then maybe you guys can save this marriage. I will also advise you to stop having sex with him. You cannot act like a fool. You have to let him know that you do not believe his lies. The way you start the marriage is the way you should be ready fo rit to continue. Do not pretend that you do not know. Face it squarely
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by mutter(f): 8:02pm On Feb 28, 2011
Poster what does it matter what his in-laws say about your income?
It is a mans duty to fend for his wife. There is no need your husband going to war with his family because of such a trivial issue. In fact that would only turn them against you more.

You must be going through allot of pains after what you saw, those sms etc.
Serves you right---
You have no business going through your husbands phone or spying on him. You were invading his privacy. Marriage is based on trust and not control.
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by TewMuch: 8:07pm On Feb 28, 2011
mutter:

Poster what does it matter what his in-laws say about your income?
It is a mans duty to fend for his wife. There is no need your husband going to war with his family because of such a trivial issue. In fact that would only turn them against you more.

You must be going through allot of pains after what you saw, those sms etc.
Serves you right---
You have no business going through your husbands phone or spying on him. You were invading his privacy. Marriage is based on trust and not control.



This comment is so judgmental and wrong. Your husband must have repressed you totally. The poster has every right. In marriage, there is no privacy. If she had suspicions she had every right to confirm them. Madam OP, your husband is cheating. It may be physical (highly likely) or emotional. It is best you talk to him to stop and may be call up that woman to find out what is really going on. If you did not fight with his family, you may have been able to use them to get him to see reason. Get in touch with that woman and have a mature conversation with her, do not attack her or anything. So that you can have a clear idea of the nature of this relationship, and if the things your husband told you is true. I believe he is lying. You may also want to know if the pregnancy she is carrying is his. Goodluck.
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Outstrip(f): 8:15pm On Feb 28, 2011
You have to know Mutters history to kind of understand the fantasy land she usually comes from. She has basically created it in her head just so she can cope with life. That is my observation of her. If she faces the truth she will likely go mad that is why she is the way she is. She has done it for years and years and it is now part and parcel of her. The only thing that can help her is some serious therapy and even then she might even try to shrink the therapist
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by Angolobabe(f): 8:15pm On Feb 28, 2011
I am sorry OP, If u dont take care of your situation now be ready for more lies and cheating from him . all the red flags are there for u to see.

Cos he is hiding something thats why he deleted all those msgs he sent  300 plus msgs to an ex is too much  and he didnt even respect your union on Valentines day not to text,they both still have feelings for each others and trying to keep a good relationship outside their marriages .

And he is the one who opened the door for her to come in cos his the one who made the first move of writing her and contiuned.

And be very ready for him to start taking advice from her in your marriage and how to threat u. sometimes when an EX is still in love and secretly angry and jealous of there EX new partner ,they pretend to be friends and helping them but deep inside their heart they want to ruin the marriage or make their marriage unhappy. this is from my experience and also experiences of some close friends that broke up.

Honestly speaking he cant change for long without going back to his old ways. marriage is suppose to be enjoyable,peaceful and filled with more happiness than sad moments and if your not getting this from him then u will remain unhappy and in the long run it might end in divorce.

There is no excuse for him to still contiune keeping contact with his ex ,if its against your well cos your suppose to come first but he put his ex and family first before u which is wrong and not defending u when his family insulted u is another red flag to get ready for more insult unless he comes in and protect u.

Please do ur home work well and find out if he is responsible for his ex pregnancy,dont take the fact that she is living or married to another man that this cant happen cos it does and they might be keeping t secret from both partners.
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by chaircover: 9:02pm On Feb 28, 2011
//
Re: Marriage In Distress: Need Advice by mutter(f): 9:08pm On Feb 28, 2011
Outstrip:

You have to know Mutters history to kind of understand the fantasy land she usually comes from. She has basically created it in her head just so she can cope with life. That is my observation of her. If she faces the truth she will likely go mad that is why she is the way she is. She has done it for years and years and it is now part and parcel of her. The only thing that can help her is some serious therapy and even then she might even try to shrink the therapist

How cute!!!
Well I guess I have to start roaming around searching my husband`s personal belongings. Screening his phone etc to get down to earth cheesy
The fact that one is married does not mean that privacy should be invaded.

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