Mature advice needed by experienced married Nairalanders.

For the past 8yrs, I've experienced the sour, sad, bitter,sweet , love and hate in marriage at a tender age of mine.

My question is, is it better to continue Living in a marriage as a single mom(shouldering responsibilities), abuses emotionally and physically, depressed and threat of life?

Or

Live as separated single mom?


All this while,the fear of the unknown TOMORROW kept me staying and taking all the bullshits I can't type here,but I've always cherished having a peaceful home conducive enough for my kids to live in,but happenings lately are making me scared of moving forward.its telling on my health and Life.

Please matured advice, corrections and guidance are needed here.

You may get more depressed being a single mom after divorce. Would you condemn the marriage you knowingly entered into to justify yourself?

You have the influence to spice up the marriage for your sake and your child's sake within you. Pay attention to your attitude and reactions to matters.

Roughly speaking, you need a listening ear and not necessarily separation. Brace yourself and try harder.

The headaches and troubles that may arise after separation predates your imagination.

Lizzyangel:
Mature advice needed by experienced married Nairalanders.

For the past 8yrs, I've experienced the sour, sad, bitter,sweet , love and hate in marriage at a tender age of mine.

My question is, is it better to continue Living in a marriage as a single mom(shouldering responsibilities), abuses emotionally and physically, depressed and threat of life?

Or

Live as separated single mom?


All this while,the fear of the unknown TOMORROW kept me staying and taking all the bullshits I can't type here,but I've always cherished having a peaceful home conducive enough for my kids to live in,but happenings lately are making me scared of moving forward.its telling on my health and Life.

Please matured advice, corrections and guidance are needed here.

Make I book space

Kindly invite your husband with you to a therapy session.

thuxzwda1:




Make I book space

This is not a space booking thread o, I've had it to the brim and wouldn't want to take a step I'll regret later in future, my pride has been punctured severally and the more I live,the clearer it's getting,but I'm scared of my decision ,I've always been at the receiving end and this is telling on my health and living.

Maybe if you provide more and closer details concerning what problems you're facing exactly, it'll help people to give you a proper advise.

modified: i think you kinda did that already.

If it was only the fact that you shoulder responsibilities, I'd have said maybe you should stay.

But emotional and physical abuse, threat to life is intolerable. Take your husband with you to a therapist or counsellor and seek help to sort things out.

if he's unwilling or all these problems persist, it's better you quit.

The first wealth is health - good health. So, provided that you're coming from a scrupulous position, resist and extricate yourself from anyone that it entails you using servility to stay and maintain a close relationship with them.

Sound mental health in particular is priceless, make it your priority and always do everything possible to make others around you have theirs.

dingbang:
Kindly invite your husband with you to a therapy session.

I've done that thrice but we kept going back in circles.

I'd have loved to share my full story,but no matter how I brief it, he'd know.

Everyone except me saw and warned against this red flags which I thought would change as time goes by but got the clearer picture as we're growing, things became 3d-clearer when I was forced to sleep in an uncompleted building with my 10month old baby whom I delivered through CS with the help of Nlanders, since that April, I began to connect the dots from 2012, I'm not perfect,I blamed myself for this misfortune,but I tried my possible best to avoid this at the beginning, but I was naive, and young. I'm 27yrs old now, but living a life twice my age... I've lost everything so far, can't confide in anyone to let this all out, but this is Nland, I can have the audience of trained, experienced and matured minds all on a spot, I just don't know the way forward.

DDDEnterprises:
Maybe if you provide more and closer details concerning what problems you're facing exactly, it'll help people to give you a proper advise.

modified: i think you kinda did that already.

If it was only the fact that you shoulder responsibilities, I'd have said maybe you should stay.

But emotional and physical abuse, threat to life is intolerable. Take your husband with you to a therapist or counsellor and seek help to sort things out.

if he's unwilling or all these problems persist, it's better you quit.

He's taking my wanting a peaceful home for my kids for granted which he's using against me every now and then, I couldn't sleep all through the night today cos of him, I was operated on June last year due to HBP, I was going for medical treatment and consultations for good 3months, the doctors tried listening to my story which I told them was personal, then I was advised then to HELP myself cos the rate at which my blood pressure was going, the worse might happen and I was 26yrs then, too young to die, we only live once, said the doctor.

What about your family, I mean your parents, can't you confide in them? I mean at a certain point, if things refuses to work out, a woman is free to seek abode in her parents house, after all they didn't sell you, I know how heavy your heart might have been right now, but instead of being abused all the time, you better take a walk or a break for the mean time.

Lizzyangel:


I've done that thrice but we kept going back in circles.

I'd have loved to share my full story,but no matter how I brief it, he'd know.

Everyone except me saw and warned against this red flags which I thought would change as time goes by but got the clearer picture as we're growing, things became 3d-clearer [b]when I was forced to sleep in an uncompleted building with my 10month old baby whom I delivered through CS [/b]with the help of Nlanders, since that April, I began to connect the dots from 2012, I'm not perfect,I blamed myself for this misfortune,but I tried my possible best to avoid this at the beginning, but I was naive, and young. I'm 27yrs old now, but living a life twice my age... I've lost everything so far, can't confide in anyone to let this all out, but this is Nland, I can have the audience of trained, experienced and matured minds all on a spot, I just don't know the way forward.

Chai!

I will advice you to take a break, just go back to your parents house or go out of the house and stay with a reliable friend for sometime and see what will happen. Don't tell him when you want to pack out but leave quietly. He will look for you if he really wants you as a wife. If he did not care about your living his house for some time, know that the marriage will not work cos it simply means he didn't have a single love for you. In that case, forget everything and start a new life. God will see you through.

RightToReject:
The first wealth is health - good health. So, provided that you're coming from a scrupulous position, resist and extricate yourself from anyone that it entails you using servility to stay and maintain a close relationship with them.

Sound mental health in particular is priceless, make it your priority and always do everything possible to make others around you have theirs.

I'm trying to do that but I'm only scared of what my personal decision can do to my kids(I have 2 aboy7yrs And a girl 1yr).


Seeing kids from single parenting around is making me scared which he knew and is using constantly against me.

Lizzyangel:


I've done that thrice but we kept going back in circles.

I'd have loved to share my full story,but no matter how I brief it, he'd know.

Everyone except me saw and warned against this red flags which I thought would change as time goes by but got the clearer picture as we're growing, things became 3d-clearer when I was forced to sleep in an uncompleted building with my 10month old baby whom I delivered through CS with the help of Nlanders, since that April, I began to connect the dots from 2012, I'm not perfect,I blamed myself for this misfortune,but I tried my possible best to avoid this at the beginning, but I was naive, and young. I'm 27yrs old now, but living a life twice my age... I've lost everything so far, can't confide in anyone to let this all out, but this is Nland, I can have the audience of trained, experienced and matured minds all on a spot, I just don't know the way forward.

what skills do you have

Freestainworld:
What about your family, I mean your parents, can't you confide in them? I mean at a certain point, if things refuses to work out, a woman is free to seek abode in her parents house, after all they didn't sell you, I know how heavy your heart might have been right now, but instead of being abused all the time, you better take a walk or a break for the mean time.

.

My mum is aware of little part when she was here for "omugo" she told me I was passing through all this and kept silent all along, after the things she saw and heard from Doctors at the hospital, she told me to have a "rethink " and I wouldn't want to be responsible for her health issues so I decided not to be telling her things happening around me, I'm alone in my world.

My dad , I dare not confront him to say anything about this cos I was disowned from the day he found out I got impregnated, since that 2012, our father-daughter relationship got shattered.

My big Sis has always been there,she always advocate for my happiness first, she even confronted him once after 6yrs of bullying which she wasn't aware of,until I naratted everything last year.

dingbang:
what skills do you have

I'm a trained Teacher (certified)
A caterer (though not fully into it due to capital) but I get bookings once in a while with little pay from people around.
While on campus, I learned laundry works and knows everything about it but can't venture into it cos of capital too.


But I've had 10yrs Teaching experience so far, to God be the glory, I'm good at Teaching.

udoji2021:


Chai!

I will advice you to take a break, just go back to your parents house or go out of the house and stay with a reliable friend for sometime and see what will happen. Don't tell him when you want to pack out but leave quietly. He will look for you if he really wants you as a wife. If he did not care about your living his house for some time, know that the marriage will not work cos it simply means he didn't have a single love for you. In that case, forget everything and start a new life. God will see you through.

Thanks for your response, he had been telling me to leave, he even threatened me, to take my life if I insist on staying,atimes , he'd seize the key, lock me out, abuse me and others but I'll still beg him for my kid's sake and he's using this medium to blackmail me.

Follow your head not your heart

How many kids do you have?Do you earn something substantial to take care of the kids?

This marriage is toxic and you will have to take a break from it in the first instance.
Plan your exit;where will you stay?What income and savings do you have?

Lizzyangel:



Thanks for your response, he had been telling me to leave, he even threatened me, to take my life if I insist on staying,atimes , he'd seize the key, lock me out, abuse me and others but I'll still beg him for my kid's sake and he's using this medium to blackmail me.

I could have said more but for now, I urge you to leave the house temporary. If he did not miss you to a point of not looking for you and begging you to come back, know that he didn't love you and didn't care about your kids. Pls if you have a way to be taking care of your children, leave the house now that you are young and believe me, God will see you through if your heart is pure. I'm in the same mess now as a man but with God, I have been handling it to the best of my ability. But you are a woman so try and have the peace of mind you deserve

Your kids will be motherless if you lose your life in the process of enduring a loveless marriage for their sake.

We met online while I was a teenager and started dating, I got pregnant and tried many times to abort it but all my efforts became futile, I moved in with him to his parents house,a boy's quarter after my parents met his, he was the only over pampered son of his parents and in the early years,I passed through hell living there, he's proud, arrogant, cheat and lazy, but I kept the flags, thinking he'd change, I became pregnant for the second child after 4yrs, working and nursing and shouldering responsibilities all alone and then he went into some dirty things that led to his arrest thrice which I'm the only one running around,I begged to raise money for his bail at the state police hqtrs, I'll go to work, conducted extra lessons at home,he'll just sit idly around pressing his phone,I tried many attempts to talk him into getting something doing as sitting ain't helping matters,I even spoke to his parents to let's do something about him, but he just wouldn't listen, his first arrest was due to the Ponzi scheme he created, which he spent the money lavishly on girls, hotel and his grandad's burial ceremony leaving my bride price unpaid, when he got arrested,his parents told me we spent the money together which made me went extra mile to ensure he was released, people around called me and told me to leave cos I'm too innocent for someone of his kind, to me, all marriages are not bed of roses, this is my cross which I carried wholeheartedly, the second arrest was when he was arrested for philandering and accused of fraud by his boss. I still go to the police station to bail him, while the third and last one was when he bought a stolen phone which I warned him to return but refused,it's was his 3rd arrest that made the policemen summoned us that, they've had it to the brim with him, he shouldn't be caught up again by any means because he's bringing shame to me as a public figure, I teach in a big school where some of the top policemen had their kids, they made him to sign up that he won't be brought to station again and I won't be running around for him...later the man told me to"use my head" he was then persuaded to go learn a trade which he started in 2020, the second baby died due to health complications and I had my baby girl Kiishi in 2021,I wrote the story here.

What I noticed was, anytime things are not working in his favor,he becomes violent,and abuse me physically and verbally, in April I received a call from an old friend,he said I was cheating with the caller which made me hang up quickly cos he was around,I tried explaining,but he hit me severally and told me to go meet the guy that night around 9pm, anytime he hit me, he'd pick his phone and put a call to my mum and Sis and give them Sweet lies on things I'm not guilty of,when they call me,I'll just be crying, that same night he locked the door and told me to go meet my caller, I thought it was all joke, I started begging for me to just drop Kiishi inside, he refused and turned off his phone, I wept bitterly,I called my sister and Mom then took my time to narrate all I've gone through in his hands since 2013-2021, they both wept for me and tried calling him to allow me in,his phone was off, around 11:30pm, I started knocking on neighbors gates to enable lay my baby, nobody opened up, I walked some minutes to my colleagues houses nobody opened up, that night,I started connecting the dots from 2012, how I've been used all along, how I've been a fool, I'm working hard but can't even attend to my personal needs,I placed my family first thinking all will be well, finally around 12:30pm, I saw an uncompleted building where I too solace with my baby, I couldn't sleep all through the night, *had I known,I wouldn't have come this far, kept lingering in my head" .while I watched my lil girl sleep in an inconvenient manner with mosquito, I was at alert all through the night and it was a Thursday night.

That night, I decided to stop everything I've been doing for his sake to focus on myself and kid, the next day I went back home, he asked about where I slept,I told him in the church, he said I was lying that he came out around 2am he couldn't see me within the vicinity,so I should go back to wherever I slept he doesn't want to see me, else I'll regret it, that led to my first time of calling an outsider to beg in my behalf,I called my pastor's wife and narrated the last night's issue, she apologized and called him to fish out some piece of an advice.i rushed in, cleaned my kids up and dashed out to work, on getting to school, my boss was at the gate, she insisted I tell her what went wrong that made me come to school around 9am moreso,my eyes were red,I told her it was personal and apologize for being late.she allowed me into my class.


After the day's work,I received a phone call from him telling me to leave before dusk if I value my life, I was agape, what again? He said my big Sis had been hurling insult on her for making me sleep outside with a lil baby,so I should Park and move in with her in another state with her husband, he called severally, threatening me he mustn't meet me at home,on the spot, I started shivering, I have no relative here, no friends, who will I go to?

I said some prayers then, someone came to mind, a Lawyer and he is the head of all cocoa produce buyers in our LGA. I called to Meet with him ASAP, so I narrated the last night's ordeal to him and his threats, he summoned him immediately and heard his side of the story, he settled the conflicts that night and cautioned him.

Since that April I decided not to buy foodstuff with my salary for that month,I wasn't having a good phone, so I thought, if I'm having a phone,I'd be distracted from his troubles, I got a phone, Tecno pop 4-air for 36k, I started buying school food for my boy and never bought food stuff nor cook for him, sometimes, I wouldn't have enough money to buy soap for washing, I'd buy canoe #120 and wash my kids clothes and leave ours until the next time I have money, I started borrowing money to feed my son and I, diaper and daily expenses were not easy as I didn't buy in bulk,this made him to bring out the real HIM, all this while, I thought he wasn't having,I was playing the role of a wife and a husband, my kids school fees, our transportation to school, day to day needs became clearer that I was carrying a huge load, we became enemies, he'll rage and hit me at the slightest provocation saying I should leave since I'm no longer useful, I don't cook for him, I don't wash his clothes, I don't allow him have his way(intimacy). I live daily with fear of what he's say or do again, then I went back to cooking dinner for all of us, so far, this helped him as he now see reasons why he should follow people to villages in search for cocoa produce to buy, "hunger na bastard"
He started dropping something everyday after going to villages, 2h, 5h, 1k when fortunate 2k and I must make an account for every single thing I buy, I went back to buying foodstuff when may salary arrived and he's now used to working, but I stood my ground that I won't allow him to get me used again, I stopped calling or chatting up during the day, I stopped intimate conversation and stopped sex.

Last night, he called me and demanded for sex which I replied"not interested still" he raged from 12am-4am , calling me all sort of names, body shaming me and went ahead to call side chick while I'm here and my boy couldn't sleep due to his rage, he said today is 1st that I should be prepared for the worse this new month, that the things I've seen so far are little compared to what I'd be seeing henceforth, he just wants me to talk so he can hit me, one thing about me, whenever he's burning I'd keep mute, sometimes he'd hit me for not responding, he told me to be prepared cos this month will be sour for means I should start by stop calling him "Swid" that if I don't die on the long run,I should count myself lucky cos he'd frustrate hell out of me, I was just there weeping inside all through the night,he promised to bring his side chick one these days to sleep over since I've declared myself useless for some months now.


I just kept mute and hope it become dawn, to my greatest surprise, my 7yrs old boy started telling me all what he said during the night, he couldn't sleep, he was crying thinking Swid will hit me again, I felt sorry and ashamed of myself and the kind of home I'm raising my kids, the boy is becoming grown and smart, where am I going from here?
I decided to come open this way cos I don't know what tomorrow may hold as his promises implied, and who's gonna tell my story to the world when I'm gone?


Save me Nairalanders.

udoji2021:



I could have said more but for now, I urge you to leave the house temporary. If he did not miss you to a point of not looking for you and begging you to come back, know that he didn't love you and didn't care about your kids. Pls if you have a way to be taking care of your children, leave the house now that you are young and believe me, God will see you through if your heart is pure. I'm in the same mess now as a man but with God, I have been handling it to the best of my ability. But you are a woman so try and have the peace of mind you deserve

I wish I could leave,but I've got no relative in Ore and no savings cos my salary is not even enough to cater for our needs moreso, I don't want to go back to my parents house.

Muddy18:
Follow your head not your heart

Thanks fam

thorpido:
How and kids do you have?Do you earn something substantial to take care of the kids?

This marriage is toxic and you will have to take a break from it in the first instance.
Plan your exit;where will you stay?What income and savings do you have?

a boy and a girl, I'm working in a private school,to some extent my salary can pay our bills, if I'm to leave, I wouldn't like to be in the same state with him to avoid further abuses but I'm scared, I don't even have savings, my salary always go for household needs.

Ishilove:
Your kids will be motherless if you lose your life in the process of enduring a loveless marriage for their sake.

I'm pleased to have you read along ma'am..
What do you suggest I do? I'm confused.

udoji2021:



I could have said more but for now, I urge you to leave the house temporary. If he did not miss you to a point of not looking for you and begging you to come back, know that he didn't love you and didn't care about your kids. Pls if you have a way to be taking care of your children, leave the house now that you are young and believe me, God will see you through if your heart is pure. I'm in the same mess now as a man but with God, I have been handling it to the best of my ability. But you are a woman so try and have the peace of mind you deserve

Thanks for your quote man.
May God see you through also IJN

hmm,one thing I don't like is meeting people online it doesn't always end well.Your life is more important to your kids,so do anything to protect it.na wa ooo,marriage isn't sweet anymore

Lizzyangel:


Since that April I decided not to buy foodstuff with my salary for that month,I wasn't having a good phone, so I thought, if I'm having a phone,I'd be distracted from his troubles, I got a phone, Tecno pop 4-air for 36k, I started buying school food for my boy and never bought food stuff nor cook for him, sometimes, I wouldn't have enough money to buy soap for washing, I'd buy canoe #120 and wash my kids clothes and leave ours until the next time I have money, I started borrowing money to feed my son and I, diaper and daily expenses were not easy as I didn't buy in bulk,this made him to bring out the real HIM, all this while, I thought he wasn't having,I was playing the role of a wife and a husband, my kids school fees, our transportation to school, day to day needs became clearer that I was carrying a huge load, we became enemies, he'll rage and hit me at the slightest provocation saying I should leave since I'm no longer useful, I don't cook for him, I don't wash his clothes, I don't allow him have his way(intimacy). I live daily with fear of what he's say or do again, then I went back to cooking dinner for all of us, so far, this helped him as he now see reasons why he should follow people to villages in search for cocoa produce to buy, "hunger na bastard"
He started dropping something everyday after going to villages, 2h, 5h, 1k when fortunate 2k and I must make an account for every single thing I buy, I went back to buying foodstuff when may salary arrived and he's now used to working, but I stood my ground that I won't allow him to get me used again, I stopped calling or chatting up during the day, I stopped intimate conversation and stopped sex.

Last night, he called me and demanded for sex which I replied"not interested still" he raged from 12am-4am , calling me all sort of names, body shaming me and went ahead to call side chick while I'm here and my boy couldn't sleep due to his rage, he said today is 1st that I should be prepared for the worse this new month, that the things I've seen so far are little compared to what I'd be seeing henceforth, he just wants me to talk so he can hit me, one thing about me, whenever he's burning I'd keep mute, sometimes he'd hit me for not responding, he told me to be prepared cos this month will be sour for means I should start by stop calling him "Swid" that if I don't die on the long run,I should count myself lucky cos he'd frustrate hell out of me, I was just there weeping inside all through the night,he promised to bring his side chick one these days to sleep over since I've declared myself useless for some months now.


I just kept mute and hope it become dawn, to my greatest surprise, my 7yrs old boy started telling me all what he said during the night, he couldn't sleep, he was crying thinking Swid will hit me again, I felt sorry and ashamed of myself and the kind of home I'm raising my kids, the boy is becoming grown and smart, where am I going from here?
I decided to come open this way cos I don't know what tomorrow may hold as his promises implied, and who's gonna tell my story to the world when I'm gone?


Save me Nairalanders.

Since you testified to the fact that you have seen positive changes in him of late, you should have comprised a bit in this area of concern may be that will resolve the rest of your disagreements.

Also learn how to appreciate him now that he is becoming somehow responsible as this will encourage him to be more responsible. In the long run, you would have succeeded in building the peaceful home you desire.

If the above doesn't work after a year plus, rent and move out for yourself and kids.

Never used all your earnings to take care of the home again as you will be encouraging him to be irresponsible. Rather, start saving like 20% of your earnings consistently to create the self empowerment capital you desire which can also serve as fund for the plan B I advised earlier.

Stevenbright:


Since you testified to the fact that you have seen positive changes in him of late, you should have comprised a bit in this area of concern may be that will resolve the rest of your disagreements.

Also learn how to appreciate him now that he is becoming somehow responsible as this will encourage him to be more responsible. In the long run, you would have succeeded in building the peaceful home you desire.

If the above doesn't work after a year plus, rent and move out for yourself and kids.

How about the aspect of bullying, abuse and body shaming coupled with threat?

Lizzyangel:


a boy and a girl, I'm working in a private school,to some extent my salary can pay our bills, if I'm to leave, I wouldn't like to be in the same state with him to avoid further abuses but I'm scared, I don't even have savings, my salary always go for household needs.

Start saving now.Put away as much as possible.You will need to move eventually for your health and mental well being.

With all you have written here,this marriage is a sham.How can a husband send out a wife with a little baby to sleep outside without caring where they end up?
Only you can make the move.Discuss this with your family so they can suggest the best position to take.

thorpido:
Start saving now.Put away as much as possible.You will need to move eventually for your health and mental well being.

Thanks fam!
I'd be working towards that God helping me, if he never kill me troway.