Lets just say it is a necessary evil!!!! Sometimes good and sometimes not so good! All we pray for is that the good times are more than the "not so good" times!!! Just enough to be a "successful marriage"!!! With children involved, you have to work 10 times harder so they do not feel any sad impact of the slightest "disunion"!!!!!

Well, for me i think, whoever you wanna marry should be your friend, because then, you guys would have known much about each other already. But the problem is that we dont have time to create that special bond between a guy and a lady. most Guys are just interested in her body and for most girls, what can i get from this guy. At what age should a guy or lady be thinking of marriage, i think it should be very early, cos the earlier the better. Also i think these days the idea of having sex with a girl you know deep down in your heart you dont have a thing for, distorts the whole idea of been prepared. Thank all the fellas that have given us positive contributions on here, you guys are great

@martin007

y do u think pp should get married earlier, "the earlier the better" ? just curious . . .

He didn't say that. he said they should start thinking about marriage early so they can be fully prepared.

i know its frickn hard

just be prepared

funloving:

If marriage is this hard then why do people get married ?

Must you voluntarily go into something that is so difficult ?

Thank you! Why do we pressure our young men and women into something so risky?

Marriage nobi small thing oh! But is it true that, there is always that man/woman out there for each individual and that if you dont get to marry that person, then its gonna be doom for you, because i hear people say the person who would be your wife, has already been prepared for you by God and that God's time is the best. My question is this, does God arrange one single person for you to be your wife or group of people who you can choose from and you guys would blend perfectly? There is nothing as getting married to the wrong person, its the beginning of experiencing "Hell on Earth" and for God sake, so many married people do pretend outside of their home or within their home when they do have visitors! I have heard so many young guys say, "Once i just graduate from the university/polytechnic and work for a year the next thing i would do, is to get married" thats a good thing, but the problem i find with them is that, they never did plan for it all those years the were in school. The problem with us is that, we never learn from mistakes we see in other people, God help us all.

Hello house,

Its always interesting to read the views of everyone here and the slangs and jabs thrown in is always refreshing, sometimes makes me laugh so hard that I temporarily forget every other serious issues I may be facing, but this particular topic is not funny. This is something serious and so for the first time, I will like to contribute my own humble opinion.

From my own observation, I think the most important issue is to do a thorough discovery of who you are, where you want to go and how you want to get there first. If you notice, "who, where and how" sums up our whole lives. Once you consciously discover this about your "self", the rest is easy or could be tough depends on what your genuine self assessment of your self are. No degree of love or hate could make or ruin you unless you ruin or love yourself first. There is a live inferno in all of us just waiting to be kindled. Now love could fire it up but will not keep it lightened up. Only you can. Please find out if nursing, teaching, business is for you and have a clear understanding of how you intend to do just that before you involved someone in a real serious relationship. It will help when both of you talk and he/she will know this is what you want and you will help each other in achieving this task. Your weakness and other "frail" traits will also be bared so its not a surprise after the "I do". There is no amount of ugliness, lies, deciet the mind cannot deal with if you confront these early enough. It will either make or break you. If it breaks you, well, then face it, move on, even if it seems like if you're about to die. Trust me, you won't die, you're stronger than you think. Just think about what you survive staying alive during childbirth and all the rigour you went through and you didnt die during birth. If you get the hint, the human mind is capable of amazing things if "it" decides to achieve it!

Issues like the home both of you will like to live, the kids, how much money to put or not to put aside, sex, kissing or lack of it, men who likes their women always have trendy hairstyles and ladies that want their men helping with dishes, it goes on and on. Talk about this in a fun/serious way. Find out if he's the type who'll prefer you to serve dinner with one kneel down and if she's the type that'll give in to sex when your credit card is maxed out! Talk, find out, and talk some more. Take each other seriously enough to find out as much as possible! If and when each of you realises that whatever the other does directly affects another, you may probably take more precaution. This brings responsibility. It seems to me it takes a takes a lot more than love, sad as that may be! Its about intergrity, its about a man/woman that you can count on their words(especially the little things/promises). Its about self-control, and facing up to your mate and have the courage to let him know that you commit murder before she/he finds out from someone else even it this will end your relationship. Its about being "real". If your guy is a boobs man, then let him have his hearts content around the house and not cover up your body in some wrap-around attire that leaves nothing out! Be his LovePeddler if that's what it takes. If you think this is a little bit too offensive, then you should have done enough homework prior to marriage and there are other men that will be satisfied with once a month sex and be perfectly happy! Also for guys, if your wife is a super high mainteinance "girl" and you pamper her non-stop during courtship, then please dont expect miracles after marriage. Be real, be a mate, be involved when that tummy doesn't look so attractive and caress it afterall, you're partly responsible for its state or are you? Even breastfeeding can be a joyful thing that can get you involved without feeling abandoned and left out. If baby is busy, you can get busy too, there's enough to go around isn't there? And also if you don't know it, women are strange beings, be involved during baby wake up feeds and see wonders! Not just rolling over and sleep for the whole night and then after you've had a full night sleep, expect your woman to still give you a quick flint just before work! Chances are, you may not get it!

hmmm, is this easy? Are you kidding? No its not, but then no one ever said it was easy. But is it worth it? Absolutely! There are very few joys, completeness, harmony and fulfilment that can match up with a fully worked on married "partnership" and very few hell and pains that can match up to an improperly managed married partnership! And most importantly, when you've done all the human part! Forget about all human intellect and connect to something higher, For me, I choose God. For you, whatever you believe.

Sorry if I used up more space Seun, violating house rules?

[quote][/quote]
Hmm! your post is really long man!

too long!!
I gave up and gave out at the second paragraph

Marriage, marriage, Marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well i must say being married could be a great thing, if u married for the right reasons and it could be a disaster if u married for wrong reasons, I have been married going to four years now, and i must say sincerely i wnat to marry my husband over and over again!

There are no secrets to marriage, and we must remember that.

1. marriage is for the living
2. Marriage is ordinated by God, you need God, not for the faint hearted.
3. Marriage is wanting what you want for yourself, do also unto the next person
4. He who has found a good wife, has found a good thing and deserves favour from the lord. Find you best half, and don't be one and a half. Marriage should be made one.
5. Marriage is a blend of 2 spirits, or 2 cultures, not for the self centered.
6. Its for growth. Are you well developed spiritually and physically, emotionally, financially, and other wise? Maybe its time to come experience yourself now, then marriage is for you.
7. For you my lady, your answers, we the African women, its all our fault. Woman is the home maker, the president in marriage. Marriage is for the living.

@ babyosisi, I swear my eyes were getting dizzy when I tried to read the post.

I think we need more long posts. Long posts are better than short posts since they require more thinking.

Excessively Sweet things kills or is very harmful
Imagine taking two litres of honey or milk at once ; where you will see urself u may likely purgetill death. But taking two bottles of stout or beer will not cause you great harm if u dont have light brain. A litre of milk blended with a litre of tea wil be a good receipe to your body.

Therefore dont expect marriage to be sweet all over else it will lose its flavour.God was aware that Hagar's son Ismael and his descendants will be a torn in the flesh of the whole world and he allowed it.Just imagine the suicide bombers Oswald bin Ladeen and co all descendants of Ismael troubling the entire world .Hence the non violent and the violent coexist to make life what it is today

cool but it is not a mystry but somethin we came into the world to see.cos god ask it from us so dat the world will be full.

@topic

Very nice topic. I'm really looking forward to married life - the joys, sorrows, good times, bad times, sickness and health, kids etc. I understand Marriage is not all rosy, and yet it's not all gloomy too. But I pray for a whole lot more of the good times than the bad for me and "the girl of my dreams" .

Cheers.

marriage is not a necessary evil! its a joy if you go into it with your eyes wide open rather than with your eyes closed. yes it is hard work because you need to make it work just like any successful venture you go into. Seun i am certain you devote enough time and resources to nairaland, other wise it would pack up, its the same thing with marriage. of course you have to do it with God, the author of marriage.

i've been married for a few years now but we make a commitment to making it work everyday and its paying off. people who sees us are always wondering if we got married recently, because of the love that is so evident in our relationship. we are best friends and best lovers.

and contrary to what someone said on this thread, pregnancy and birth of a baby does not in away signify that the man has to look for satisfaction outside his marriage, those peirods can actually be one of the most wondeful times of your lives together. its all about knowing who you are and what your spouse (and baby) mean to you.

marriage is great, fun, and the longer it lasts the better you know each other and so are able to relate with each other in love. my parents have been married for 37 years and still going and i intend to surpass their record if Jesus tarries.

Can we see marriage from the religious point of view, from where it originated.

1. A vocation
2. A sacrament (For Catholics)

Marriage is a vocation, it is a call by God. Marriage is a church of its own, because the church begins from home. Just like the Rev. Fathers(catholic priests) and other clergies are called to serve God for the rest of their lives in the order of Melchizedek, so also are couples called to serve God in marriage and bring up the Kids that God will bless them with, in the right path.

Though I'm not married yet, but I think the problem with our marriages today is the fact that young guys and ladies now view marriage from the material angle. When a guy feels he is mature enough to get married all he does is look out for a young,tall,beautiful, slim, fair, sexy lady that he will get married to. While a lady looks for an educated, young, handsome, tall, rich guy that she will marry. I'm not saying all this qualities are bad but there are other things one should look out for,ask urself these questions;

Do I truly love this guy/lady
Is she/he my best friend, no pretence
Can she/he make a good wife/husband 4 me
Are we compatible
How responsible is she/he
Is he/she from a responsible home
Can I still love him/her even without kids
Will I have married him/her if he weren't this rich and handsome or she this beautiful
If he losses his riches/ or she losses her beauty, can I still love him/her
Can I really spend the rest of my life/grow old with him or her e.t.c

What is the foundation of ur marriage? The foundation of ones marriage equally matters. Some marriages are products of live-in lovers. A man toasts a babe, She parks into his house, gets pregnant for him, the man will then be forced 2 marry her even when he does love her or she doesn't love him.

Our ladies on the otherhand don't really see beyond the engagement/traditional marriage/wedding ceremonies, after them dear, what next? Lets do things the proper way. Let the foundation of our marriages be on God.

Another strong issue in marriage is children. We should understand that it is God who decides to whether to bless a marriage with children or not to. Marriage is between the husband and wife, if there are children, thank God and ensure u bring them up in right way as u promised God on your wedding day,but if there isn't, still thank God and believe ur marriage is fulfilled even without them, adopt if u can, and leave the rest to God.

Above all look up to God, be a prayerful husband/wife, u can't do without it. Pray about everything, even when ur spouse or children are misbehaving, believe me God will do the magic.

That's my humble contribution.

iphiedial, Nice post, i dey bow for you oh, are you in a Seminary or so? Cos this is cool!!

Marriage is VERY hard. Especially for women.Trust me 14 years and still standing.
Marriage can drive you to drink,drugs and even murder-The pressures are harder in Nigeria.

Are there good aspects apart from regular legal sex? Yes ,when I can think of more than two(one of which are my children and the second an absolute profound quest to get closer to God(marriage definitely encouraged that) I will get back to this thread.

Honestly -Love has nothing to do with it-Love disappears so quickly you wonder whether you were hypnotised during the relationship.So my dear ladies work on FRIENDSHIP-find that common ground that will transcend the fleeting emotion that comes and goes .

@olofinjeje

I dont know wat it is that draws me to ur post, but it seems so honest amongst all others. True talk.

I wont mind reading more advice from u, if u dont mind. I like and prefer being faced with harsh reality. thanks for the advice my sister. FRIENDSHIP eh, hmmmm. . . . . . .

olofinjeje:

Marriage is VERY hard. Especially for women.Trust me 14 years and still standing.
Marriage can drive you to drink,drugs and even murder-The pressures are harder in Nigeria.

Are there good aspects apart from regular legal sex? Yes ,when I can think of more than two(one of which are my children and the second an absolute profund quest to get closer to God(marriage definitely encouraged that) I will get back to this thread.

Honestly -Love has nothing to do with it-Love disappears so quickly you wonder whether you were hypnotised during the relationship.So my dear ladies work on FRIENDSHIP-find that common ground that will transcend the fleeting emotion that comes and goes .

So man, what are you trying to say? do you mean to say that its not all about love and that friendship is the key? i believe in making your friend your wife or your wife should be your friend, but i also believe love is a key ingredient. Sir, with all due respect, do you love your wife?

martin007:

iphiedial, Nice post, i dey bow for you oh, are you in a Seminary or so? Cos this is cool!!

I'm not a Seminarian dear, neither I'm I in a Convent, I'm a young lady who hopes to get married someday, I know that whenever God takes me into it, He will see me thru it. Its just that I  feel so bad at the rate of divorce among married couples and the rate @ which kids go astray as a result of broken marriages or as a result of parents who do not understand what the institution called marriage entails. That's why pre-marital course and courtship is always very essential for intending couples. People go into marriage without really understanding what they are going into, only to find out later that it wasn't what they actually bargained for.

iphiedial:

I'm not a Seminarian dear, neither I'm I in a Convent, I'm a young lady who hopes to get married someday, I know that whenever God takes me into it, He will see me through it. Its just that I feel so bad at the rate of divorce among married couples and the rate @ which kids go astray as a result of broken marriages or as a result of parents who do not understand what the institution called marriage entails. That's why pre-marital course and courtship is always very essential for intending couples. People go into marriage without really understanding what they are going into, only to find out later that it wasn't what they actually bargained for.

iphiedial, I think you are a wise lady , My only fear is that, you would get to meet a man that will be good enough for you! cos sometimes, some parents are really at fault, you want your daughter to marry early, so that you would enter the "League" of Mothers whose daughters are married. What is the best age for a Naija girl to marry @?

ah ah, what happened to my previous post?

martin007.-Initially marriage begins with L.O.V.E but with the aftermath is if the two of you do not have anything else in common then the harsh reality of life after love sets in.

Did I fall in love? No I did not I fell in LIKE and of course I was attracted to him(I realised after watching the spate of bad relationships and marriages around that this LOVE thing can make you lose all common sense.)

In marriage ,love disappears, anyone who states otherwise is a liar.It is either replaced by respect(on a better scale ) to affection or mere tolerance to borderline hatred.
All these emotions will come and most will pass depending on the experiences you are going through.

For example -a purely hypothetical case(do not send me a barrage of responses please,note the word HYPOTHETICAL) one marries a guy based on a really touching ,fairytale courtship-perhaps he is from a very well to do family or vice versa. And during the dating period(nowadays that period is getting shorter and shorter),cars are available,invitations to the home is in abundance,you are rarely alone except during those "moments" which are infrequent as you live apart,you are the centre of each others' universe.Now that is being in love.

PERFECT? Well imagine, if he does not know whether she can maintain a home,cook or whether she even likes children.She does not know whether he can earn a living and not go running back to Daddy and Mummy for every dime and decision concerning the two of them.You have never really seen her without makeup-He leaves the toilet seat up or cannot live without drugs ,alcohol whatever.This is marriage,all the secrets,the reality will surface.

Love does not mean you overlook every issue,in fact it highlights every bad thing about a marriage because you have such high ideals about this perfect relationship but respect and friendship is accommodating,it lets your expectations about each other be realistic its what comes into play when LOVE has faded.

P.S I am female and I stay married primarily because of the children and secondly my husband does make me laugh(though not intentionally) and he is a good father.Do I love him ?NO. But I like him alot!!!!!!

olofinjeje: Wow This is stunning, did anybody read what Olofinjeje posted? especially the last paragraph? But you are complicating issues here, how can you say you still in the marriage cos of the children?(this is shocking). Marriage in the Garden of Eden, was meant for companionship first of all, i really want you to get that dear, cos in the Bible, "God said, it was/is not good for man to be alone, thats why he gave him Eve(woman). Other reasons like children and what ever interest both of you, comes second to it. With all due respect olofinjeje, i respect your honesty, but dont you think your children should come second place? no matter how wonderful those kids are? Because without your "Husband" you wont have those kids in the first place. olofinjeje: Are you a christian? and did you get married in the church? And When you were ask, if you love him? did you say No, that instead you like him?

Yes I am a very devout Christian but also a realistic one who faces the complexities of life with practical solutions to problems.If I had married for Love I certainly would be divorced by now.
You need to realise that the children are an important factor for ensuring that marriage works-these children were not privy to the marriage contract and really had no say in the decision process to their birth ,on that note their welfare,stability and happiness is paramount when I ,their adult parent need to make a life changing decision especially about their parent's marriage.

Note- your biblical quote-even the Bible mentions companionship and not love.Any successful marriage is a partnership.



As an aside with modern technology and all the stories from abroad you now hear of women having children using artifical insermination.Also men are fathering children using surrogates.SO you really do not need a man/husband to have children nowadays.

olofinjeje: Thanks for your response, but what i really want to know is this, Does your husband share the same opinion as you do regarding marriage? or is he the kind of man that believes in Love? What would you say regarding couples in Nigeria, who have no children at all and they are still happy together? Forget those Oyinbo people wey dey born "Half Bastards".

But on a more serious Note dear, i am feeling you, i think i am begining to understand where you are coming from!!!!

GBU

i beg to differ with olofinjeje that in marriage love disappears - she did say she wasn't in love with her husband when she married him, so how would she know if "love disappears" since she did not feel love in the first place?

i sincerely believe that love rather grows much stronger over time when you are married and if you were genuinely in love when you got married. maybe the pertinent thing is defining love, that is a paramount issue - most people define love in different ways, some are in love with a person because he has money to dole out on them, or because she fits inot his image of a beautiful girl etc etc, however when love has a deeper meaning for you, then you are ready to actually be in a meaning ful relationship.

by the way, i dont think marriage is for everybody. many people are better off in their own, not being married.