How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? - Family (3) - Nairaland
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| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by Nobody: 5:44pm On Aug 01, 2007 |
nikinash: You are so right on ,honey. marriage is much more than a mere friendship I don't sleep with my friends so the day I wake up and see 'a friend' beside me,the marriage has died or needs a serious CPR. I agree with you,love grows and with growth comes changes but it's love nonetheless. Your last sentence captures it all,some people are way too selfish and self centered and have no business being married. Just because one's mates are now having kids doesn't mean the individual should go out and walk someone down the aisle and ruin a life marriage is not for everyone. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by Nobody: 5:48pm On Aug 01, 2007 |
olofinjeje: Love your sincerity but I feel for you. I hope your husband feels exactly the same way about you that you feel about him. That's only fair. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 7:11pm On Aug 01, 2007 |
olofinjeje: with all due respect.I think there is something about you, maybe its personal, but deep down, i feel you have an issue with "Love" Maybe someone that you once loved or loved you left you and maybe since then you have had problem with the word "love. Am just assuming oh! |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by olofinjeje: 9:19pm On Aug 01, 2007 |
@MARTIN007 Sorry ,never been hurt as I stated my opinion is rooted in the environment I grew up in(went to school abroad at a very young age and returned to Nigeria after almost 20 years) and grew with a polygamous father(that is he had lots of children outside the home).Now do you get where I am coming from. I also counsel a lot of disillusioned newly weds(both male and female) once the cataract of "love" falls from the eyes usually within 9 months or baby's arrival or lack of, or money issues arising.My advise is and always will be find a common ground become each other's friends.Are you aware that you have a greater threshold of tolerance for a good friend than you would a spouse.I do not advocate divorce ,just a reappraisal of the relationship. Because love is so fleeting and the images most young people get about love is rather idealistic(Danielle Steele novels or Four Weddings and a funeral hype) one sided and extremely selfish once the reality of marriage sets in the love usually cannot withstand such and flees. Friendship in marriage does not mean the typical oh she/he is my friend But I am sure there are friends you have had that the connection/attraction is so great you tell yourself that you would not want to ruin a good relationship by taking it to the next level-Well I did. I dated guys I loved and the hurt and wahala you get from the betrayal of cheating etc lead me to date and ultimately marry a man who "Loved" me more and today I can tell you he appreciates that we are friends,first and foremost. @BABYOSISI If my husband was to read this thread I can tell you that he would agree-Men fall in Lust(usually) and marry in haste their eyes roam too and fro constantly even when they are happily married.A wife need a level head and maturity to handle such situations amongst others-If Love is still in operation, then the wife will be hurt ,upset and nag which in turn gets the husband back up and so on etc. Please do not get me wrong there is nothing wrong with marrying for Love -I just chose not to and I am happy for doing so.There is passion and romance in my marriage but I have no expectations of undying,undiluted love.I do things with my husband which my friends and sisters dare not -the constraints of LOVE or the hurt of rejection or lack of attention. My marriage is far from perfect but I know that with all its ups and downs friendship sees us through. On a lighter note-my husband has parents and grandparents still alive.He is the eldest child.Tell me in this our Nigeria(where you do not just marry the man but his family)whether in-laws and siblings would not have driven me crazy if I was in love. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by omoge(f): 9:21pm On Aug 01, 2007 |
martin007 ha!!! |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 9:42pm On Aug 01, 2007 |
omoge: Omoge what? Olofinjeje, am gonna get back at you on this tomorrow, hope u will be on? |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by yodiyokun(f): 1:37am On Aug 02, 2007 |
I think I understand Olofinjeje's post and I agree that you can be in that position if you have been hurt countless times. I was hurt badly once - for a whole year I was a living Ghost. I was madly in love with this guy chei. I have never allowed myself to experience such again - period. It was so bad that I started ICAN to keep me busy. The next relationship I entered went to the rocks after 2 years because I couldnt let myself go and this guy was mad about me. Now I am married and will be celebrating 4 years aniv in 4 weeks time. The truth of the matter is that I have friendship with my husband and I love him but with my eyes wide open. I stay married cos I enjoy the companionship and intimacy I share with my husband but I can honestly say, I dont love him with careless abandon - that is just too risky!!! If you love with careless abandon you are on your own No glorious expectations but I have been lucky with my inlaws - I say it everywhere God compensated me with that. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by PHBABE(f): 2:54am On Aug 02, 2007 |
Olofinje, i definitely feel you on that. One thing my mother always told me is that "marriage is very difficult, it is not a game of sentiments". I always keep that in mind when i am perusing my choices. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by lateefah79: 9:17am On Aug 02, 2007 |
INITIATOR, so u ma self dey trip for the way this babe they reason,oh boi i tire for the babe o,but thank God say this time she put down somtin like person wey reason b4 write. BARRACBOY,said it all,he's got thye wisdom n i think he's got the experience too. Nice one BARRACKboi. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by Mystique(f): 2:03pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
Well, i guess i can't comment on this as i'm not married. . . (yet)  |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 2:49pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
Mystique: I think you can still comment! Aint you in a relationship? Relationship leads to marriage  |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 3:03pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
Olofinjeje, I thot about all you said on here yesterday, i slept off in the early hours of today, i think 50% of your post is correct or more, but what i feel, your missing out is that, there is a thing call "Love" and in most marriages, people get married, because they are in love, but then, we have to bear it in mind that, we have different forms of love, ex. Agape and so on. The point am trying to make is this, in a normal relationship that involve Boy/Girl, You would most likely find out that they are just displaying one aspect of love or the other, if they are lucky, all the element of love would be in that relationship. But in marriage, all elements of love, comes to play, thats when you would know, how really loves you, so i think in most Marriages, love grows. Affection caring hugging kissing fondness closeness concern friendship being there for the person a bond doing things for the person happiness helping the person holding hands sharing warmth can be one-sided not too intense not sexual Sexual Love Physical attraction arousal lust expressed through sexual intercourse person is seen only as a sex object for one's own gratification commitment contentment excitement fulfills a need heart rate increases intimate kissing touching not long lasting close while having sex, but not necessarily after emotional giving happiness special think about the other person all the time Platonic Love friendship not sexual caring doing thing together not physical supportive enjoy each other's company feel relaxed with the person happiness helping the person normal behavior sharing trust contentment feel free to talk about anything being reliable respect Friendship Feel free to talk about anything caring helping honesty doing thing together trust sharing understanding sharing emotions being there for the other person good times happiness supporting long lasting loyalty openness sharing thoughts a bond closeness common interests concern feeling relaxed with the person listening to each other respect sadness sense of belonging sharing experiences Infatuation Think about the other person all the time not long lasting physical attraction see only the person's good qualities intrigued by some fascinating quality of the person your world revolves around the person you don't know the person very well excited when you see the person being love-struck heart rate increases sweaty palms think you're in love talk about the person all the time want to be with the person all the time a crush based on first impressions irrational Committed Love commitment continues regardless of the circumstances long lasting think about the person all the time being there for the person felt for only one person honesty sharing caring closeness giving respect a promise sexual trust understandinga bond devotion faithfulness feel free to talk about anything give and take relationship live together openness passionate sacrifice Am so sorry for using up much space, lol |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by Nobody: 5:13pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
Martin 007,are you in a school of romance or something? yodiyokun: That was very funny.At least something good came out of the heartbreak,ICAN. Like you,I believe in love but I also believe in commonsense. A woman ought to love her husband with all her heart but she must be respected too and must earn respect by not allowing herself to be walked all over. I don't know if that's what you mean by the phrase "careless abandon". There is such thing as deep intimacy between a man and a woman not just sexually but spiritually,that's what everywoman should look for. Men by nature can misinterprete a woman's love and gentleness for weakness and some can use such opportunities to dominate and intimidate their wives. But a man who understands that the woman is a full,thinking human,complete in her own self without him,will not take such advantage. I thank God I can say that I'm loved and in love and it's a beautiful thing to love someone who loves and respects you. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 5:29pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
babyosisi: Haba, Babyosisi, how u go say i dey school of Romance? na wetin i talk? |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by yodiyokun(f): 5:50pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
The truth of the matter is that no two relationships are alike, they can never be. Therefore, the issue is knowing yourself and determining what is important to you and how your partner fits into that mix before you get married. I am yet to meet any couple that say they have not had any suprises after marriage at least in the first 5 years. (the suprise dosent have to be as dramatic as having a child outside wedlock  ) there are other suprises that can drive you over the wall. The issue is how do you deal with it and move on. This morning, my husband did something that annoyed me - I remembered this thread and laughed and analysed my reaction; My reaction was simply anger and not hurt and there is a lot of difference between the two. I really cant say in my marriage so far that my husband has really hurt me - he has only made me angry on occassion and for me anger is easier to deal with and forgive and move on. I have arrived at this stage simply because I refuse to love with careless and passionate abandon, (this does not always equate with being a walkover). I have learnt the hard way that such love is to be reserved for God (and not men) as only he has the capability to fulfill my deepest longings and desires and he is the only one that can love me in return with such intensity. After all this story, to the single ones it is really hard to remain in marriage , no matter your reason for entering it. It takes pure undiluted hardwork and Gods grace to live together in harmony, keep the passion aflame and some semblance of peace. You really can never know it until you are in it. No matter how expert you are in dissecting relationships. My 2 cents. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 5:55pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
So yodiyokun, you are married? i never knew, you for declare since nah! Anyway, thanks for the nice piece of Yarn, can you explain this part "(the suprise dosent have to be as dramatic as having a child outside wedlock Grin) there are other suprises that can drive you over the wall". But over all, i think you have hit the nail on the head. Thanks |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 6:31pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
I wonder where the married men in the house are? Anyway, for those who have questions about marriage or you have a problem with your Man/Woman, you can come on this thread and ask, i know Olofinjeje can help ya all out. She is the New Speaker of this Thread. Congratulations Madam, lol |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by shopkraft(f): 7:48pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
During those years at OAU, I read a book called "Dreams Die First". It talks about the reality of life, that the dreamy notion of "fairytales falls off your eyes when you get into "real life scenes like boardroom politics at work, spousal betrayal, etc. Long time ago, yet seems like yesterday! No one or nothing can ever prepare you for marriage success or its failure, but the least we can do is to arm yourselft and prepare to "make it count" In response to "olofinjeje's point of view, I will like to shift, just a little bit. Viewing this with my own life experience, , it will be really hard to co-exist with a man that doesn't make my heart, (please give me the right word). My relationships with my friends taught me something. 1.) Making every encounters count for something. 2.) Being honest in little things. 3.) Pairing up to protect, support and defend each other. 4.) Give a little, take a little. 5.) And most importantly be trustworthy! I used to be what people call the lifeline of our group. I still dont know what it was up till this day that makes my friends have such level of devotion to me back then, even now. It was such that, if something is going on among anyone of us, and one of us doesnt show up, its usually understood by the rest of us. But for me, they'll prefer to see my "dead body" at the occassion/event and comfirm that I am really inoperable for them to be satisfied . I had some business dealings with Nigerite then and I noticed that I "did" get away with some stuff others wouldn't dare! The management, admin sales, warehouse, accounts depts all yielded to me like if I was gold. Reality, I wasn't even a diamond! But to them, it felt like so. Why? There are some things in life that doesn't come with answer. I have learnt to just accept this. And then I came to US, met a guy, convinced me to play home and I stayed back here. My friends felt, and still feels like I betrayed them, by staying back here, I still recieve emails about petty things going on with all of them, and no matter what's going on with me, it is an unspoken, unpaid obligation they require of me to reply back (not more than 48hrs!) and give my opinion or find matching handbag that will fit a red shoe in a bargain store on surulere or preety woman's shop on Toyin st at ikeja! And yet, I am in US! What is the meaning of all of this life history? It is the importance of "making your marriage/relationship counts for something. Being honest and reliable in little things. If you promised and give your "word" on something, do it! If your say you'll be somewhere by 4pm, be there! Here with my "should have been husband". We are still "good friends" but we didnt make it on the home front. There are things that are better left unsaid but He is a brilliant pleasant human being in and out but for us, we just couldnt reach each other anymore. We were still nice and friendly with each other around the house but it was a sharp turnaround and from what it was during courtship. Yes the scales falls off your eyes about whom you're dealing with withing the preceeding 12months if you're lucky.Then I asked myself the BIG question, but why didnt I see it earlier? Because relationship is like a black market, you dont know whats in store for you until you open it up. What happened to all the things we'd talked and planned about in those early stage? Things like trust, reliability, accountability, inner beauty and meeting of the minds are crucial in making marriage work. These things seemed evident while we were dating but quickly disappears on his part afterwards. And yet, I lingered, and I hoped, and prayed. Then one day, I paced alone in our big beautiful house and said to myself "so this is it?" The emptiness, the fear, the pain, the uncertainty, the loneliness! Something in me had died!! I had lost every ounce of confidence in him. Silently, for the first time in 18months, I wept. And it was over. I called my parents, then his parents and then my friends of my intention to leave him. Two weeks later two of my friends that works with UNICEF called me from JFK airport, they had come to grieve with me. With a letter from my parents and a pic from my younger sister showing her in the gown I had made for her while in Nigeria, she said in the pic: "I AM IN YOUR ROOM SIS AND THERE IS NO LIGHT, SHAME ON NEPA, EVERYTHING SEEMED TO STOP RIGHT NOW IT IS DEPRESSING. BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU, SOMETHING IN ME LIGHTS UP BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WILL NEVER STOP, I KNOW YOU WILL ALWAYS GO ON. GO ON SIS, DON'T EVER STOP, BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL THAT I DREAMED OF WHEN THINGS DONT GO RIGHT. LOVE, KEMI. , Today, I am still going on and can't wait to be back home in again. I also have a guy we have a son together and I can't wish for anything better. We've survived 3 years now and my feelings for him are not dead yet. He is cultured and he takes his words very seriously. Have not had any cause to question his intergrity. He left Nigeria after he heard about my break up and came here to the US but didnt contacted me until a year later. But he kept track of all my activities through my friends. He left his business in Lagos and managed his staff from the US and when he did contact me, he already knows what he wants but didnt push until we became certain we want the same thing. Our lives are not picture perfect but there are no other people either of us would rather be with. Now we are ready to come back to Nigeria, so I DID GO ON AFTERALL, and I'm still standing through HIS(GOD) grace. I wish everybody looking into this marital journey the very best of luck in the world. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by PHBABE(f): 8:05pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
hmmmmm, na wa oh! this marriage thing is even more serious than i thought . . . . |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 8:38pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
Shopkraft: Am speechless, you have said it all and i hope, we who are not married would learn from this. Thanks alot for the Lecture on here, am think, we should make you the Deputy Speaker on this Thread. I wish your marriage all the best. When are you coming back to Nigeria? we Would love to have you back! |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by shopkraft(f): 9:05pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
martin007: Hey martin007, thanks for your prayer but I'm not match to be a Deputy Speaker on a very important topic like this, I think there are people in the house that's been able to hold the homefront for 20yrs and up, maybe they can help us learn more and give us hints and tricks. I do not have enough experience or hindsights to deputize a public forum that has a potential to affecting people's lives. But I know we can learn by looking at people who's done it, maybe we'll get lucky like them. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 10:16pm On Aug 02, 2007 |
OK Shopkraft, can we get fellas who are married for over 20years and still standing, contribute to this Thread? |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by westsidema(f): 1:59pm On Aug 03, 2007 |
uhmmm yea sure is hard. u could see most people seperate while few remains. is not really easy. is done with concentrating and being together no matter what happens eventhough is the heaviest argument ever. beside my ghanian guy loves me so much and i love him too till death. and we're eventhough is the heaviest argument we will be together and as he said too. he's not a player or whatever. he got sense of humor and he's fast. he took for what i am eventhough im a ho, Lol |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 3:09pm On Aug 03, 2007 |
westsidema: I know you aint a ho! lol, i wish you all the best. Are you a Nigerian? |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by ufobabe(f): 6:00pm On Aug 03, 2007 |
MARRIAGE IS A SERIOUS BUSINESS.u have 2 make sure that the person u are committing the rest of ur life 2 deserve it am 23 and single but feels that,pple must not fail 2 realise that success in marriage, as in any other sphere of life, does not just happen.we must make definite plans 2 succeed the magnificant institution of marriage offers tremendous rewards if we enter into it wisely.Get 2 know the other person well because , once u get 2 the altar, it will be too late A successful marraige involves more than just a couple's determination 2 make it work.b4 entering into a marriage, both parties must have learnd how 2 accept responsibilities. IT IS BETTER 2 HAVE A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP THAN A FAILED MARRIAGE. PLS SHINE UR EYES mabel |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 8:29pm On Aug 03, 2007 |
mabel: Thanks for the post, you are 23 and single? Am so sorry asking you this question, but have you ever been in any relationship before? cos from what you said "IT IS BETTER 2 HAVE A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP THAN A FAILED MARRIAGE". Anyway, for those of us that aint married, its true we have to shine our eyes. But that is if we are all seeing the right thing. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 8:40pm On Aug 03, 2007 |
Olofinjeje: How are you, i hope ur doing doing, its been 2days! Just checking on you. Have a great day |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by geegee(f): 1:37am On Aug 04, 2007 |
the truth is there's three rings in marrage which i have gotten and same goes for the man which u will also get and ur "girl" u so much love.the engagement ring,the wedding ring and the suffering. when u get to that suuffering state u'll know if u truly love her or not when the sex becomes boring when she no longer excites u like she use to,when u start fighting and aguring over little things than u'll now.this journey is not for the faint hearted belive me anyway divorce is always an option its up to u as for i and my hubby we are partners and friends for life. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by TCUBE(m): 12:48pm On Aug 04, 2007 |
The divorce is climbing up everyday, i even heard that its going up in nigeria now, geezz! as a kid in naija , i never heard of divorce, it was like a taboo, guess its now conventional now, i'll blame the male ego, feminist groups , all dem "independent women" , marriage is not to be edured but to be enjoyed |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by martin007(m): 2:31pm On Aug 04, 2007 |
GeeGee, how long have you been married? and what are your secrets to a successful marriage? Thanks for your post. |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by anijawife: 8:33pm On Aug 04, 2007 |
Visit://anijawife..com for more on this topic |
| Re: How Hard Is It To Remain In Marriage? by osereka(m): 8:50pm On Aug 04, 2007 |
HOW HARD IS IT TO REMAIN IN MARRIAGE? simple, the woman must know she is a woman and that the man is the head of the organisation. |
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