Hi nairalanders, this is for the married folks out there. Is there anyone who was not in love with his or her spouse before marriage and just decided to get married anyway or is there anyone who no longer have any feelings or love for his or her spouse but still remain in the marriage? How are you coping biko? I need to find strength somewhere �

Note: i am not talking about the marriage that has any form of violence whatsoever o. This is for the peaceful marriage where everything is going well just that feelings and love is no longer there.

Moderators please move this to fp ejo, biko, donAllah, abeg

Lalasticala
Mynd44

myrygurl:
Hi nairalanders, this is for the married folks out there. Is there anyone who was not in love with his or her spouse before marriage and just decided to get married anyway or is there anyone who no longer have any feelings or love for his or her spouse but still remain in the marriage? How are you coping biko? I need to find strength somewhere �

Note: i am not talking about the marriage that has any form of violence whatsoever o. This is for the peaceful marriage where everything is going well just that feelings and love is no longer there.

Moderators please move this to fp ejo, biko, donAllah

You both have to have a honest discussion about it and be intentional about doing things that will bring back the butterflies that were previously in your bellies.

People get married for different reasons,not all marry because of love,some marry because of physical looks,financial stability,lack of husband, spiritual level,etc and not because they love their spouse,so it is easy not to have feelings in that type of marriage,also people don't just fall out of love in marriage,there must be something that happened.

virginprincess:
People get married for different reasons,not all marry because of love,some marry because of physical looks,financial stability,lack of husband, spiritual level,etc and not because they love their spouse,so it is easy not to have feelings in that type of marriage,also people don't just fall out of love in marriage,there must be something that happened.

What would you want to marry for?

If you lived a wildlife as a single girl, the routine and boring nature of married life would make you unhappy....and you'll subconsciously blame the man, which would affect your love for him.

If you are used to dating bad guys in the past that give you a roller coaster of different emotions, it doesn't matter if they are negative emotions, peace in marriage is going to bore you.

You didn't just fall out of love with your husband, you miss the freedom to live wild that your single life gave you, and I don't blame you.

Are there any long-term couples that don't eventually fall out of love? For those that don't fall out of love in marriage, I really admire them and wonder how they do it. I don't think it's possible to feel the same spark, butterflies and infatuation with one person for decades, whether male or female, especially with all of the inevitable stress and quarrels that come with staying with a single person for extensive periods. Hence why cheating is absurdly common (at least partially). At some point, you'd probably just get too... 'used' to your partner.

Or maybe they are conflating fondness, dedication and commitment with love? Not opposed to the idea of marriage, by the way.

dawnomike:
You both have to have a honest discussion about it and be intentional about doing things that will bring back the butterflies that were previously in your bellies.

Nothing like butterflies bruh. All na infatuation or call it whatsoever.
Nothing like true love or eternal love anymore in this present generation apart from your momma.
Many still sticking together,do so coz of what the society would say.Know this,know peace.

Many confuse decline in sexual attraction as decline or obliteration of Love.

Sexual attraction is the first thing that most start when building the pyramid of love. Human attraction declines as time increases.

Togetherness, communication, unity, Harmony, peace, support for one another, tolerance, care , commitment etc is what I refer to as love

When these ingredients are present in a union then is is love in the union.

Let no one be decieved, when one stays with a particular person over the years sexual attraction decreases and that should not be equated as decline in love.

The solution, you can indulge in those things that can restore sexual appeal for those in the union. Some women no longer care for their sexually after marriage and don't see the need to put their spouses in the mood because to them they have past that stage same applies to the men.

Improve the sexual orientation in your home and see that attraction come by.

dawnomike:
You both have to have a honest discussion about it and be intentional about doing things that will bring back the butterflies that were previously in your bellies.

What if i belong to the former? What can u say about that?

czarr:
If you lived a wildlife as a single girl, the routine and boring nature of married life would make you unhappy....and you'll subconsciously blame the man, which would affect your love for him.

If you are used to dating bad guys in the past that give you a roller coaster of different emotions, it doesn't matter if they are negative emotions, peace in marriage is going to bore you.

You didn't just fall out of love with your husband, you miss the freedom to live wild that your single life gave you, and I don't blame you.

Just like that you assumed i lived a wild life pre marriage? I am somewhat an introvert so i wasn't into all this keeping of plenty boyfriends, my friends who were guys were just a handful. And i had zero body count before marriage.

Following out of love is easy when over familarity takes over.

This is my own recipe on how not to fall out of love

Allow the man to be himself
For the men, provide for your family
Women love attention, give it to her
Try to travel often together
Do things together.
The man should stop focusing on only sex and acting like without sex, he can't survive.
Sex is suppose to be spontaneous not a time table or a hobby.
Get drunk together.
Even if you don't have cash, always buy little gifts for your partners
Remember the special days
Treat your wife like a baby.

Qinglong:
Are there any long-term couples that don't eventually fall out of love? For those that don't fall out of love in marriage, I really admire them and wonder how they do it. I don't think it's possible to feel the same spark, butterflies and infatuation with one person for decades, whether male or female, especially with all of the inevitable stress and quarrels that come with staying with a single person for extensive periods. Hence why cheating is absurdly common (at least partially). At some point, you'd probably just get too... 'used' to your partner.

Or maybe they are conflating fondness, dedication and commitment with love? Not opposed to the idea of marriage, by the way.

Well for the "decades " may be. Mine hasn't reached a decade yet. This is the 6th year.

PerfectStranger:

Nothing like butterflies bruh. All na infatuation or call it whatsoever.
Nothing like true love or eternal love anymore in this present generation apart from your momma.
Many still sticking together,do so coz of what the society would say.Know this,know peace.

Yeah right, and even because of kids.

ExudeLoveToAll:
Many confuse decline in sexual attraction as decline or obliteration of Love.

Sexual attraction is the first thing that most start when building the pyramid of love. Human attraction declines as time increases.

Togetherness, communication, unity, Harmony, peace, support for one another, tolerance, care , commitment etc is what I refer to as love

When these ingredients are present in a union then is is love in the union.

Let no one be decieved, when one stays with a particular person over the years sexual attraction decreases and that should not be equated as decline in love.

The solution, you can indulge in those things that can restore sexual appeal for those in the union. Some women no longer care for their sexually after marriage and don't see the need to put their spouses in the mood because to them they have past that stage same applies to the men.

Improve the sexual orientation in your home and see that attraction come by.

Thanks for your inputs.

thebosstrevor1:
Following out of love is easy when over familarity takes over.

This is my own recipe on how not to fall out of love

Allow the man to be himself
Women love attention, give it to her
Try to travel often together
Do things together.
The man should stop focusing on only sex and acting like without sex, he can't survive.
Sex is suppose to be spontaneous not a time table or a hobby.
Get drunk together.
Even if you don't have cash, always buy little gifts for your partners
Remember the special days
Treat your wife like a baby.

Thanks.
I think men prioritising sex in marriage is what makes women fall out. Expecially when the woman has low libido

myrygurl:
Hi nairalanders, this is for the married folks out there. Is there anyone who was not in love with his or her spouse before marriage and just decided to get married anyway or is there anyone who no longer have any feelings or love for his or her spouse but still remain in the marriage? How are you coping biko? I need to find strength somewhere �

Note: i am not talking about the marriage that has any form of violence whatsoever o. This is for the peaceful marriage where everything is going well just that feelings and love is no longer there.

Moderators please move this to fp ejo, biko, donAllah, abeg

Lalasticala
Mynd44

you should know what you are looking for in marriage, what do you expect your spouse to do? What do you think you should be doing that you are not doing.
Have you tried going for holiday for weeks or month.
Try all this first and see if the love will ignite ones more.

FalseProphet1:

What would you want to marry for?

For love of course,i can't marry someone who doesn't genuinely loves me.

myrygurl:
Hi nairalanders, this is for the married folks out there. Is there anyone who was not in love with his or her spouse before marriage and just decided to get married anyway or is there anyone who no longer have any feelings or love for his or her spouse but still remain in the marriage? How are you coping biko? I need to find strength somewhere �

Note: i am not talking about the marriage that has any form of violence whatsoever o. This is for the peaceful marriage where everything is going well just that feelings and love is no longer there.

Moderators please move this to fp ejo, biko, donAllah, abeg

Lalasticala
Mynd44

It happens, a time will come in a marriage when you lose every single love you have for your partner, that's why only love don't sustain marriage. What sustain marriage at that moment is respect and communication

myrygurl:



Well for the "decades " may be. Mine hasn't reached a decade yet. This is the 6th year.

Well yeah, I simply mentioned decades as kind of an extreme example. Honestly, I think anything between 3 - 10 years is more than enough for people to start falling out of love based on too much exposure to each other. Inevitably, fighting will contribute to it because there is no couple that does not quarrel. From what I've seen in Nigeria, most married couples squabble on a daily basis.

Once the honeymoon stage of the relationship is over, that's when the real test begins. And not many people can legitimately pass that. As someone said above, many couples are in unhappy marriages today and only societal backlash, or maybe consideration for their children, keep them from opting out of the marriage.

Foreigners like the Americans are actually honest with themselves and their feelings, which is probably why they have one of the highest global divorce rates (not counting their high population number as well).

myrygurl:


Just like that you assumed i lived a wild life pre marriage? I am somewhat an introvert so i wasn't into all this keeping of plenty boyfriends, my friends who were guys were just a handful. And i had zero body count before marriage.

So you were a virgin before marriage...you probably married early then. So it's not that you miss the wild life of single life, it's that you think you've missed out on the wild life cos you didn't live it....and you thought that somehow marriage is going to reward you for your sexual discipline, and you realise that there is no award for your virginity, and you can see some single friends who were about that wild life also get married....you are angry and transferring the anger to your husband.

You may also be crushing on someone and marriage (your husband) is keeping you from acting on that crush.

Do you really believe your husband has the same level of love or attraction for had for you when he first met you? No! he has seen you finish, you have both seen each other finish, it's Normal for that attraction and butterflies to go down.

He has seen you hanging your pants, sleeping like a zombie, when you are sick and horrible looking, going to toilet, he smells your involuntary farts at night, and you too, you have seen all about him.

You have to understand that after 3 years in all marriages reality sets in, all those lovey dovey stuff goes away and what is left is committment. That is what love is, committment. Love is not a feeling, it's a choice to stay committed to someone.

You think because you don't feel anything for the guy anymore, that your soul mate is out there and your marriage is keeping you from meeting him, if you meet another guy outside and he commits to you, you would still get bored when real life sets in, and routine nature of marriage begins.

Be guided.

myrygurl:



Well for the "decades " may be. Mine hasn't reached a decade yet. This is the 6th year.

Go and read about the 7 year itch or something like that, it's thing in marriage where about the 7 year of marriage there is a feeling of doubt or lack of love for partner.
Look it up

myrygurl:
Hi nairalanders, this is for the married folks out there. Is there anyone who was not in love with his or her spouse before marriage and just decided to get married anyway or is there anyone who no longer have any feelings or love for his or her spouse but still remain in the marriage? How are you coping biko? I need to find strength somewhere �

Note: i am not talking about the marriage that has any form of violence whatsoever o. This is for the peaceful marriage where everything is going well just that feelings and love is no longer there.

Moderators please move this to fp ejo, biko, donAllah, abeg

Lalasticala
Mynd44

How do you rate love? Can you groom him to that taste, because you have taken lifetime decision. The way forward is have a talk with him. If u cheat on him. You might not get out of it. You might be trapped. Which can cause a lifetime disaster. Talk about it. What are you looking in the marriage. If it's a good dick he doesn't have, discreetly buy a intimacy gadget and tell him honey, pls can u use this on me anytime u r done with me. Or talk to him through it family doctor, he will be happier, I mean a female family doctor.

ExudeLoveToAll:
Many confuse decline in sexual attraction as decline or obliteration of Love.

Sexual attraction is the first thing that most start when building the pyramid of love. Human attraction declines as time increases.

Togetherness, communication, unity, Harmony, peace, support for one another, tolerance, care , commitment etc is what I refer to as love

When these ingredients are present in a union then is is love in the union.

Let no one be decieved, when one stays with a particular person over the years sexual attraction decreases and that should not be equated as decline in love.

The solution, you can indulge in those things that can restore sexual appeal for those in the union. Some women no longer care for their sexually after marriage and don't see the need to put their spouses in the mood because to them they have past that stage same applies to the men.

Improve the sexual orientation in your home and see that attraction come by.

I agree, �%The truth is simply the kids are the lubricants that keeps the fire of the relationship burning, the larger the children the more focused the parents. Now about sex, it declines with age. Sex is best served when ur hormones are just developing. You don't get tired of it. But at a point in time. It becomes boring, u switch. But in marriage because of the children u can't get bored of the family. The children is enough orgasm, what u need then will be companion, a goal mate, praying partner

Whores can't stay in marriage, it will bore them.

This one don enter one chance. Luckily, you can always press EJECT button.

ExudeLoveToAll:
...
The solution, you can indulge in those things that can restore sexual appeal for those in the union. Some women no longer care for their sexually after marriage and don't see the need to put their spouses in the mood because to them they have past that stage same applies to the men.

Improve the sexual orientation in your home and see that attraction come by.

There's nothing to improve after eating everything during dating.

InfinityFabric:

There's nothing to improve after eating everything during dating.

Lol, you are funny.

ExudeLoveToAll:


Lol, you are funny.

I do comedy as a part job.

Hmmmn! Marriage is not yam and beans. It takes great effort to stay married after the thrills of the wedding day.

First, marry your friend. That's a big prerequisite. How often do you fall out with your friend? With great friends, you argue, then you come around, friendship continues. There'll always be something to keep you together. Marriage is not so different. It could be the jokes, the scent of his or her clothes, the way he stutters as he speaks, the gait or anything at all that you remember when you are alone and smile.

Hubby and I were just mere friends for years before love set in. We were gist partners. The type that you will be keeping hot gists for, anticipating when you will see next. When we started to date, our gist moments continued. We'd trek from Apapa Road to Alagomeji, my place, not because we couldn't afford transport fare but because we enjoyed talking. Then, I'd follow him back a bit, just to talk. Our marriage is about a decade old, we still gist late into the night. It's because we were friends first.

We don't normally sit together in church. We're both workers, but we sat together yesterday because it was Children Day service and the kids handled everything. After a while, he told me "It's good we don't sit together, else we won't concentrate in church."
He told me today after work that there are times he looks at me when I'm asleep, he'll smile then say a word of prayer for me. A decade isn't a long time but the embers haven't dimmed one bit!

It's marrying for the wrong reasons that makes it impossible to sustain the tempo with which you started. Beauty, wealth, financial stability, societal pressure, educational background, tribe, religion etc are dangerous reasons to get entangled with anyone.

Love, is overated. Love alone is never enough. There'll be challenges that will stretch your so called love. What then happens? Marriage is not for the faint hearted, not for slay queens nor redpillers. You need to have a great strength of character. Be kind, be responsible, be fair, be firm, be understanding, be tolerant, be humane.
Thank you.

Marriages still work OP, let yours be among the few that work. What were the great things that brought you together? Go back and work on those things. Barring violence, I don't like divorces. God bless your home.

placeofallure:
First, marry your friend. That's a big prerequisite. How often do you fall out with your friend? With great friends, you argue, then you come around, friendship continues. There'll always be something to keep you together. Marriage is not so different. It could be the jokes, the scent of his or her clothes, the way he stutters as he speaks, the gait or anything at all that you remember when you are alone and smile.....

I like your entire post, it talks directly to the heart of the matter. Kudos to you!

In a nutshell, people should get your reason for being together right, don't forget it and keep nurturing and improving it.

What's tha business?

czarr:
So you were a virgin before marriage...you probably married early then. So it's not that you miss the wild life of single life, it's that you think you've missed out on the wild life cos you didn't live it....and you thought that somehow marriage is going to reward you for your sexual discipline, and you realise that there is no award for your virginity, and you can see some single friends who were about that wild life also get married....you are angry and transferring the anger to your husband.

You may also be crushing on someone and marriage (your husband) is keeping you from acting on that crush.

Do you really believe your husband has the same level of love or attraction for had for you when he first met you? No! he has seen you finish, you have both seen each other finish, it's Normal for that attraction and butterflies to go down.

He has seen you hanging your pants, sleeping like a zombie, when you are sick and horrible looking, going to toilet, he smells your involuntary farts at night, and you too, you have seen all about him.

You have to understand that after 3 years in all marriages reality sets in, all those lovey dovey stuff goes away and what is left is committment. That is what love is, committment. Love is not a feeling, it's a choice to stay committed to someone.

You think because you don't feel anything for the guy anymore, that your soul mate is out there and your marriage is keeping you from meeting him, if you meet another guy outside and he commits to you, you would still get bored when real life sets in, and routine nature of marriage begins.

Be guided.

I like the humour you put in this your post. Some of what you said are actually the reality i an facing. Anyway thanks for your inputs.

Qinglong:

Well yeah, I simply mentioned decades as kind of an extreme example. Honestly, I think anything between 3 - 10 years is more than enough for people to start falling out of love based on too much exposure to each other. Inevitably, fighting will contribute to it because there is no couple that does not quarrel. From what I've seen in Nigeria, most married couples squabble on a daily basis.

Once the honeymoon stage of the relationship is over, that's when the real test begins. And not many people can legitimately pass that. As someone said above, many couples are in unhappy marriages today and only societal backlash, or maybe consideration for their children, keep them from opting out of the marriage.

Foreigners like the Americans are actually honest with themselves and their feelings, which is probably why they have one of the highest global divorce rates (not counting their high population number as well).

This is the reality, my option now is to forge ahead and pass the phase then. I was considering divorce at a point but i was talked out of it.
Thanks alot