https://www.nairaland.com/7686172/been-restless-having-chat-elder


All thanks to everyone for their immense contributions towards my elder brother predicament. This place is truly home away from home. For those getting to know or who just come across this thread, you can read through the link posted above to get a grasp of where I'm coming from.


Someone sent me a mail having gone through my post and we both shared contact. He works on the island and he was willing to absorb my elder brother into his organisation. It's an organisation where one learn a skills and get paid monthly. Then after being certified in your skills, you can be employed as a full staff into the organisation. He would be given #20,000 monthly as stipend while learning as an apprentice but the man promised to be adding #10,000 to it making a total of #30,000 monthly. This person didn't know me from Adam but was touched by my brother's condition and he developed interest in helping him in his own little way. He asked me to inform my elder brother and get back to him.


I discussed everything to my brother verbally. Infact, i relate everything to him in my mother's tongue for ease of communication. I asked him if he has any interest in the offer and he said yes. He has interest. He's very much interested. He said he'd specialised in plumbing. I reached out to the man and we both finalise everything. He asked my brother when would he love to resume and he said month end. After the call, i asked him why month end and he said he doesn't have anything. He needs to get some few clothes, toiletries and some money for upkeep. I asked him where would he get money from less than 2 weeks to month end. He claimed if he can see any bus to work with. I told him you've been out of job going to a year, you didn't get any bus. Why do you think you'd get a bus within a short space of time? I asked him what if i rally round for him, is he willing to resume before the month end, he said yes with happy face. I borrowed #10,000 from a friend, i had #5,000 left with me, making a total of #15,000. I gave him 2 pairs of trousers and shirt i had. He bought a small school bag of #3,000 to put his clothes and he left in two days time. That was last week Wednesday. Oh! God, i was the happiest man on earth that very day.. I was so happy for him believing that he would become somebody from there. I called him to know if he has gotten there and how the work was. He said everything was fine.


I was surprised to see my brother at home on Friday, two days after he left. I asked him hope all is well? He said yes. I asked him why did he came back home so soon considering the cost of transportation to island. He was given a room he'd put up with. I expected him to stay there and focus on his job, whenever i have any money i would send to him. The man that helped him with the job called me later in the day. He narrated the gross misconduct of my brother. My brother left the job on Friday during working hours. The work is Monday to Saturday. Though Saturday is half day. He explained every details of the job to my brother before he resumed work. My brother was assigned to someone else to work with, not directly the man that helped him. The man only came to check up on him daily to know how he's fairing. The man was there when my brother took his bag, headed outside with the claim that he was going home. The man told him he can't go home now till after work, which is on Saturday. My brother didn't listen to the boss he was assigned with nor the man that helped him. He left right in their presence.


They do give daily report, and the man he was assigned with reported that he doesn't have anyone to work with, particularly on Saturday. The management asked him about my brother assigned to him and he said he has left on Friday. My brother was dismissed for his attitude. I pleaded to give him a second chance, but the man said it was beyond his power. The management has decided. I asked him to report there today and apologise for his gross misconduct. He went but apology wasn't accepted. If i was the man that helped my brother with this job or if i was among the management. I would do the same thing. I'd gladly lay him off without thinking twice.


My mother had been crying having heard the outcome of everything. I myself had cry my eyes out, all because of this my elder brother. I am fed up. The burden is too much. I might be tempted to harm him living under the same roof with him. I had been trying to console my mum but she wouldn't listen. Landlord came to harass her last week, the very day my elder brother left, because of house rent. I had 3 younger siblings to look after. Here comes my elder brother problem again. I am responsible for all of these with my meagre pay. I don't know what else to do for this guy. I don't think i can put up with him anymore. I am tired. Why is this life full of problems? I am losing my mind completely.

Ignore him,I have a sister like your brother,they re distractions, they're always envious and bittered.

See guy,you just have to zonk him out and focus on your life,hack anything that concerns him out from your life if you really wants to live long

For now Focus on your self, mum and younger ones. With time tins will return to normal.

DownTime44:
■ My mother had been crying having heard the outcome of everything. I myself had cry my eyes out, all because of this my elder brother. I am fed up. The burden is too much. I might be tempted to harm him living under the same roof with him. I had been trying to console my mum but she wouldn't listen. Landlord came to harass her last week, the very day my elder brother left, because of house rent. I had 3 younger siblings to look after. Here comes my elder brother problem again. I am responsible for all of these with my meagre pay. I don't know what else to do for this guy. I don't think i can put up with him anymore. I am tired. Why is this life full of problems? I am losing my mind completely.

You did what you thought was the right thing to do but it turns out it isn't what your brother needs at this point. No need to let it stress you all out after all you have been managing up to even before this point. Please consider what I said on your previous thread about your brother being in the haze of depression.

I am reminded of an old saying which goes, " You can force a horse to the stream but you cannot force him to drink." Allow your brother more time to work through his demons, while you and your mother continue to work on yourselves.

ahnie:
Ignore him,I have a sister like your brother,they re distractions, they're always envious and bittered.

See guy,you just have to zonk him out and focus on your life,hack anything that concerns him out from your life if you really wants to live long

I was told not to give up on him. My mum will develop high Blood Pressure seeing him wasting away. I don't know what else to do sis. At times i wish i had the mind to poison him silently. He was supposed to be supporting me helping the family. Unfortunately, he was a burden.

I was told not to give up on him. How is that possible please? How else can i help him? What can i do please? This is frustrating. I can't imagine crying over my elder brother. I'm tired

Mama go dey alright...my mom did.

DownTime44:
I was told not to give up on him. My mum will develop high Blood Pressure seeing him wasting away. I don't know what else to do sis. At times i wish i had the mind to poison him silently. He was supposed to be supporting me helping the family. Unfortunately, he was a burden.

I was told not to give up on him. How is that possible please? How else can i help him? What can i do please? This is frustrating. I can't imagine crying over my elder brother. I'm tired

I tell you the undiluted truth,if you like carry his matter go Golgotha,dude the guy has chosen his path in life,try live your own life,hence you go just die throway.
Sorry that's the raw truth.

Those advising you not to give up on him should atleast help you to carry his matter for 2 weeks make we see if dem nor go abandon your bros too.

You have tried. The good samaritan has tried. Your brother can not be helped. Leave him be. Stop providing free food/clothing for him. Time will teach him some common sense soon. May God bless your life.

Bitter and harsh as I may sound!! There is nothing you can do anymore, except for prayer (If you believe in it). He is a full grown man!!
Face your hustle and don't allow anyone to blackmail you emotionally! The life na per head!!
You can't be more catholic than the Pope!!!

DownTime44:
https://www.nairaland.com/7686172/been-restless-having-chat-elder


All thanks to everyone for their immense contributions towards my elder brother predicament. This place is truly home away from home. For those getting to know or who just come across this thread, you can read through the link posted above to get a grasp of where I'm coming from.


Someone sent me a mail having gone through my post and we both shared contact. He works on the island and he was willing to absorb my elder brother into his organisation. It's an organisation where one learn a skills and get paid monthly. Then after being certified in your skills, you can be employed as a full staff into the organisation. He would be given #20,000 monthly as stipend while learning as an apprentice but the man promised to be adding #10,000 to it making a total of #30,000 monthly. This person didn't know me from Adam but was touched by my brother's condition and he developed interest in helping him in his own little way. He asked me to inform my elder brother and get back to him.


I discussed everything to my brother verbally. Infact, i relate everything to him in my mother's tongue for ease of communication. I asked him if he has any interest in the offer and he said yes. He has interest. He's very much interested. He said he'd specialised in plumbing. I reached out to the man and we both finalise everything. He asked my brother when would he love to resume and he said month end. After the call, i asked him why month end and he said he doesn't have anything. He needs to get some few clothes, toiletries and some money for upkeep. I asked him where would he get money from less than 2 weeks to month end. He claimed if he can see any bus to work with. I told him you've been out of job going to a year, you didn't get any bus. Why do you think you'd get a bus within a short space of time? I asked him what if i rally round for him, is he willing to resume before the month end, he said yes with happy face. I borrowed #10,000 from a friend, i had #5,000 left with me, making a total of #15,000. I gave him 2 pairs of trousers and shirt i had. He bought a small school bag of #3,000 to put his clothes and he left in two days time. That was last week Wednesday. Oh! God, i was the happiest man on earth that very day.. I was so happy for him believing that he would become somebody from there. I called him to know if he has gotten there and how the work was. He said everything was fine.


I was surprised to see my brother at home on Friday, two days after he left. I asked him hope all is well? He said yes. I asked him why did he came back home so soon considering the cost of transportation to island. He was given a room he'd put up with. I expected him to stay there and focus on his job, whenever i have any money i would send to him. The man that helped him with the job called me later in the day. He narrated the gross misconduct of my brother. My brother left the job on Friday during working hours. The work is Monday to Saturday. Though Saturday is half day. He explained every details of the job to my brother before he resumed work. My brother was assigned to someone else to work with, not directly the man that helped him. The man only came to check up on him daily to know how he's fairing. The man was there when my brother took his bag, headed outside with the claim that he was going home. The man told him he can't go home now till after work, which is on Saturday. My brother didn't listen to the boss he was assigned with nor the man that helped him. He left right in their presence.


They do give daily report, and the man he was assigned with reported that he doesn't have anyone to work with, particularly on Saturday. The management asked him about my brother assigned to him and he said he has left on Friday. My brother was dismissed for his attitude. I pleaded to give him a second chance, but the man said it was beyond his power. The management has decided. I asked him to report there today and apologise for his gross misconduct. He went but apology wasn't accepted. If i was the man that helped my brother with this job or if i was among the management. I would do the same thing. I'd gladly lay him off without thinking twice.


My mother had been crying having heard the outcome of everything. I myself had cry my eyes out, all because of this my elder brother. I am fed up. The burden is too much. I might be tempted to harm him living under the same roof with him. I had been trying to console my mum but she wouldn't listen. Landlord came to harass her last week, the very day my elder brother left, because of house rent. I had 3 younger siblings to look after. Here comes my elder brother problem again. I am responsible for all of these with my meagre pay. I don't know what else to do for this guy. I don't think i can put up with him anymore. I am tired. Why is this life full of problems? I am losing my mind completely.

omo this life no just balance. This your brother need deliverance. I don't even know if you should ignore him or not. God will see you through.

VTJN:
omo this life no just balance. This your brother need deliverance. I don't even know if you should ignore him or not. God will see you through.

I believe what he need is mental help, some sort of outlet but Nigeria no get am for most.

Ignore him...u have tried and God knows u have.

Hmm

Mr downtime,

Someone earlier said that your mum and dad (but he's late) are in a better position to find a solution to your brother's issue. She knows things you don't know.

This is also a sign that there is nothing you can do to help him.

Your elder brother problem is spiritual!

If you look around, most first born male do not do well in life, because they are supposed to be priest!

And when they are not, they are supposed to be redeemed by their parents in Church!

My elder brother was like yours

I took it serious when they called me that he was suicidal

As a member of RCCG we do first born redemption, MFM does that too.

Long story short, my parents, brought their gift (money) to redeem their son, he agreed, the pastors prayed for him and he no more suicidal.

He is doing ok just for himself now

Secondly, if your brother is not a threat to your mother, you people can simply ignore him, like we did to my elder brother. He eats food when offered to him at home, when not offered he respects his self and not go near the kitchen.

He keeps to his lane! Which is sometime good!

Now some of us are doing better, we send him money from time to time, to help him keep body and soul together.

If he minds his business! Just let him be concentrate on your self and your other siblings, but please dont disrespect him!

We do not disrespect him!

We still respects him as the first born

bummyla:
Secondly, if your brother is not a threat to your mother, you people can simply ignore him, like we did to my elder brother. He eats food when offered to him at home, when not offered he respects his self and not go near the kitchen.

He keeps to his lane! Which is sometime good!

Now some of us are doing better, we send him money from time to time, to help him keep body and soul together.

If he minds his business! Just let him be concentrate on your self and your other siblings, but please dont disrespect him!

We do not disrespect him!

We still respects him as the first born

Respect is earn, not demanded for. I'm glad your brother respected himself and stay on his lane which made you guys to respect him. It is natural to disrespect a liability at that age who wouldn't respect himself

You think it's easy for someone to be crying over his elder brother? Even the mother dey cry with his old age. Op is going through a lot in that family. Op is not responsible for the family problem but look at how he carried the family problem on his head, when himself never find him bearing. Will you respect such an elder brother who doesn't respect himself? Ofcourse if he respect himself, Op should respect him. But if otherwise, you know the rest

DownTime44:
I was told not to give up on him. My mum will develop high Blood Pressure seeing him wasting away. I don't know what else to do sis. At times i wish i had the mind to poison him silently. He was supposed to be supporting me helping the family. Unfortunately, he was a burden.

I was told not to give up on him. How is that possible please? How else can i help him? What can i do please? This is frustrating. I can't imagine crying over my elder brother. I'm tired

Sorry, I understand how frustrating it can be helping someone who doesn’t what to be helped or someone who doesn't know what his problem is.

I think your mom should also stop blackmailing you; from your first story, you are not doing 'well' either; you just have the determination and tenacity to get out of your family's proverty.

You are not El Shaddai; you cannot carry everyone else's burden in the family. You need to reduce the black tax else it would drag you under.

I don't know how old your mom is but if she is still capable of working, let her meet all these NGOs into widow care and get small capital to do something to feed herself and the kids.

Next your siblings should make themselves useful. They can learn to plait hair and do so for their mates, do tutorials for a fee (if brilliant), do domestic cleaning for a fee, attach themselves to their lecturers/teachers to sell handouts and all those other things students assist lecturer with (they would get stipends) in return; work in new site for daily pay and some other things they can do to earn money.

Unfortunately, they were not born with silver spoon so they must apply themselves and stop waiting for you to spoon feed them. I deliberately listed things they need little or no capital to start so that raising capital doesn't become another stumbling block.

God bless the man who helped you; I pray he would also find helpers in his time of need. Please engage the man again if he can get something for you so you can climb up the ladder out of your circumstances.

I pray that God who is the burden bearer would take your burden off you and crown all your efforts with success. Don't forget to get close to God in prayers and righteousness; He would lead you out of this mess and direct your path. Amen.

sisisioge:
You have tried. The good samaritan has tried. Your brother can not be helped. Leave him be. Stop providing free food/clothing for him. Time will teach him some common sense soon. May God bless your life.

That will be so difficult. My mum will not support depriving him food or shelter. I don't think she can watch him or anyone else go hungry when there's food.

I wish i could disappear out of this world. I'm tired.

DownTime44:
That will be so difficult. My mum will not support depriving him food or shelter. I don't think she can watch him or anyone else go hungry when there's food.

I wish i could disappear out of this world. I'm tired.

The frustration you feel is born out of love for your brother, otherwise, you could easily just no longer care.
If you're a Christian, I would advise you pray and fast with and for your brother.
Including yourself and family as well.

DownTime44:
That will be so difficult. My mum will not support depriving him food or shelter. I don't think she can watch him or anyone else go hungry when there's food.

I wish i could disappear out of this world. I'm tired.

You are starting to sound annoying my brother....leave him alone abi what do you think could be done at this point, kill him or kill yourself? Do you know why people get depressed? They simply overthink matters, that's all. You will get yourself unnecessarily depressed if you keep going on and on about this. He is not your child or burden, you are the one bearing the burden voluntarily. If your mom cant bear to not feed him, then let her keep doing so, afterall he is her son. As for your contribution to the home, do only what you can do. You are not the messiah of the house. EOD.

DownTime44:

You have done what you can at this time but your brother probably doesn't need a job, perhaps he needs psychological help. Don't hurt your own mental health worrying about him. He has his own path in life. Everyone will not be successful at the same time with everyone else.

Even in the US, Canada, UK etc I have seen adults of 60+ who lived in their parents' homes because they could not afford a place of their own, that's life. Live yours, help them if you can or wish them well and let them live theirs.

His problem at this time seems to be beyond getting a job. If he's suffering from severe depression, he would've likely lost interest in doing most things including working. He needs to resolve that before moving to the next level.

I think your mom needs help also with her expectations for your brother to help her cope with his situation. She needs someone who can explain things to her in the language she understands. Example, a pastor, a licensed counselor etc.

DownTime44:
That will be so difficult. My mum will not support depriving him food or shelter. I don't think she can watch him or anyone else go hungry when there's food.

I wish i could disappear out of this world. I'm tired.

You are not your elder brother's father neither are you his therapist.

Focus on your life and let your mother continue to hustle to feed her first son.... develop a thick skin against her emotional blackmail, you are already experiencing fatigue as you are overwhelmed.

bukatyne:


Sorry, I understand how frustrating it can be helping someone who doesn’t what to be helped or someone who doesn't know what his problem is.

I think your mom should also stop blackmailing you; from your first story, you are not doing 'well' either; you just have the determination and tenacity to get out of your family's proverty.

You are not El Shaddai; you cannot carry everyone else's burden in the family. You need to reduce the black tax else it would drag you under.

I don't know how old your mom is but if she is still capable of working, let her meet all these NGOs into widow care and get small capital to do something to feed herself and the kids.

Next your siblings should make themselves useful. They can learn to plait hair and do so for their mates, do tutorials for a fee (if brilliant), do domestic cleaning for a fee, attach themselves to their lecturers/teachers to sell handouts and all those other things students assist lecturer with (they would get stipends) in return; work in new site for daily pay and some other things they can do to earn money.

Unfortunately, they were not born with silver spoon so they must apply themselves and stop waiting for you to spoon feed them. I deliberately listed things they need little or no capital to start so that raising capital doesn't become another stumbling block.

God bless the man who helped you; I pray he would also find helpers in his time of need. Please engage the man again if he can get something for you so you can climb up the ladder out of your circumstances.

I pray that God who is the burden bearer would take your burden off you and crown all your efforts with success. Don't forget to get close to God in prayers and righteousness; He would lead you out of this mess and direct your path. Amen.

Amen

Thank you very much.

DownTime44:
Amen

Thank you very much.

Keep pushing, all will end well in Jesus' name

This is really sad. I know he is your brother, but for now focus on developing yourself. It's obvious you are still struggling yourself. In the next 5 to 10 years, you will realise it's all man to himself.

Save up and invest on yourself. Two blind men can't lead eachother. When you are wealthy enough you can consider your elder brother.

Smh

Life never show am shege.

This is definitely a script cause your mother is not ready. She has spoilt her son to this extent and she will keep destroying him. I personally suggest you find your way out of that house as soon as a you can and forge your own path. Let them find their way. You need to save yourself before you can save others and their mentality will hold you back. Just check in on your younger siblings and send money when you can. Your mother should also be hustling for herself and her kids not putting the burden on you! What if you were just like your brother? Will she not find the money?

They will all be fine, go and fight for yourself first and come back to help them if they can. Your mother should chase that old man out of the house to go and figure out his life if she wants to even enjoy the fruit of her labor. He’s a lazy guy.

fyzaila:
Life never show am shege.

On the contrary, I believe Life may have in fact shown him exactly that and that is why he is where is today mentally.

DownTime44:
That will be so difficult. My mum will not support depriving him food or shelter. I don't think she can watch him or anyone else go hungry when there's food.

I wish i could disappear out of this world. I'm tired.

Na u no wan disappear oo.
Move out
Find friends to stay with
Be sending money to ur mum.otherwise u go grow Grey hair..
Look ur brother is an IDAN that can't be helped physically..
He's got his own demons that torments n controls him that makes him feel transportation is the only means for his survival..
Bro.. I grow up in Ajegunle..
Had friends who did conductor..
I swear now...they'd never do it again unless ofcourse they own the bus....
Ur brother has no desire to break the bandage his in.
And ur mother is not an as yoruba will say.
Her 1st fruit has giran n she dey look n not take necessary action a mother will take....
I hope no b ur brother problem go kill ur mama...
If she wants to live long n reap the fruits of her kids..
She better Waka ontop ur brother case....
And like sm1 said.. ur younger siblings shd all find means of making or earning money...
If u die ontop ur brother matter..
E go live life.. e go Jaiye as him like ooo.
Use ur head before ur let dem use u ooo.
Stop wasting ur time..
Ur brother needs deliverance first things first.

Na you wan do Abobaku.

It gets to a point in life where it's all man for himself, and God for us all.
This place you're in —I think—is way past that point.

Focus on yourself cos everybody will be fine with or without this headache wey you dey give yourself.

DownTime44, does your brother use nairaland? If he has a phone try to get him onto nairaland so maybe he can open up threads here to talk about his circumstances by himself. It can work as a form of therapy too. He sounds remarkably like someone in a slump and according to you, he has been there for years, meaning he probably already needs an out but knows not where to find such. Chatting with others on here might help him realize that he ain't alone and his situation ain't special either.

My Brother! it takes one person to lift his family out of poverty! Maybe the Op is the chosen one in his family!

Op did not tell us that the elder brother is troublesome!

He just told us that the young man lack drive and ambition!

There is nothing prayers cant do!

Why will his elder brother be a conductor for some many years and did not think of graduating to be a driver, or own a bus one day!

Is that not strange to you!?

I have been in Op shoes before! I know how it hurts!

Thank God! GOD made a way for the rest of us!

Op elder brother is a good man that has been psychological programmed to believe that nothing good can come out of his life!

That metal slavery needs to be broken!

VTJN:
Respect is earn, not demanded for. I'm glad your brother respected himself and stay on his lane which made you guys to respect him. It is natural to disrespect a liability at that age who wouldn't respect himself

You think it's easy for someone to be crying over his elder brother? Even the mother dey cry with his old age. Op is going through a lot in that family. Op is not responsible for the family problem but look at how he carried the family problem on his head, when himself never find him bearing. Will you respect such an elder brother who doesn't respect himself? Ofcourse if he respect himself, Op should respect him. But if otherwise, you know the rest