my MIL is the best. I don't feel my mum's absence at all. She iseven closer than a mum to me. We r like sisters. Luv her so much. The woman is a gem and a major asset to me.

Op, good question. My question is what do you do when you try your best to treat your MIL as you would treat your own mum but she keeps pushing you away?

chaircover:

It works both ways. Some DIL's go into the marriage already with a mindset of "not to take any nonsense from No stuupid meddling MIL" and end up at loggerheads with the MIL for many years.

The way I look at it is if you really love your son or your husband, then you will love his dog. Simple.

@Chaircover some mother inlaws dont reason that way o
Its the loving of sons issue that usually bring problems between MIL & DIL
Though not all o
I discovered 90% of them dont treat their daughter inlaws like the way they treat their daughters
Even in some cases, some sis inlaws will join the MIL in fighting the daughter inlaw for no reason
just because they have the feelings that the lady is there to enjoy their son's money
even when the son is not capable to take care of the family 100%, they still feel the daughter inlaw is the badluck
Even when their daughter inlaw is trying to please them by buying gifts for them, the see it as bad intention.
Its only the experienced once that will really understand what am trying to talk about

debrief08:

Madam Mummy, I don dey tire for you, I think you just like drama, today is husband tmr its mama in law, next tmr it will be sister. Well I disagree that 90% OF MOTHER in laws are bad, I think most women go into marriage watching too much African majic and too much of Patience Ozokwor make up der minds about Mama in laws, den draw d battle line. I have had 2 mother in laws and always treated them like my own mothers and they have loved me like their own daughters. My first Mother in law is still my best friend, we wear aso abi to events together. My mother in law now was d one who totally spported our marriage despite all objections even when my mom refused to support my remarriage ma mother in law do everything wey ma mama suppose do. My former mother in law attended my wedding and was a mother of d day, even though she knew her sone will be mad. Point is pple react to how you treat them, everyone responds positively to love, care and respect except some few very evil pple. Love them, respect them, there is no competition

my dear dont be tired o
we're here to express ourselves
you could be lucky to have the good once

infinitii:

when i read thru this thread i find it very fascinating and am compelled to make my own contribution as a result of personal experience
''MY husband fell ''SICK''  sometimes ago, though that sickness was as a result of ''over-doing'' of something, i''ll spare u that details.
He got better but for almost ONE SOLID YEAR, he was PRAYING ALONE at home  from 12:00am to 12:00pm the next day (this was b4 he fell sick).
i was responsible for all the home expenses, just name anything, infact we went to bury his mum's father that same year, all expenses pai by me.
the mother then ask him to come to Babanloma , somewhere close to Jebba, but closer to Saare and Ilorin, with the hope that he will find something to do.
I remember suggesting him to take up a teaching job at least, but he said he he has a ''GENERATIONAL ASSIGNMENT TO PRAY AND BREAK YOKES.
he went to Babanloma  and he had not showed up for since January, the rest is story.

i went to pay him visit sometimes in March, and during one oof the discussion i had with his mother''  she said and i quote'' Omo temi ko pada wa si Eko mo'' ma ba e wa se si Ilorin, kan fun mini CV e wa''  meaninig ' my son will not come to lagos again, just bring your Cv and i will look for something for u to do'' and true to her word my ''HUSBAND''  his son has never showed up as at the time of typing this text. 

if it were to be her own daugther, will she accept such, you can contact me on kennunuga1@yahoo.com for more details of this incidence, ,MOTHER-INS ARE WICKED

I feel for you dear
this's one of the things i am trying to express here
some MIL dont give a dam, they dont care if you've been contributing to her son's life positively
It's even worst if the son is mummy's pet
infact mummy's pet or no mummy's pet  o, they'll still give you their treatment

76Naira:

Because their sons let them. Not my style. keep them together but separate. If you get what I mean.

i grabbed u jare

hackney:

^^^EXACTLY
Thats the way women are.
Women are their own worst enemy.
Thats why a group of women cant achieve anything; it turns bickering,fashion and beauty competition.

i agree with you 100%
but what about their own daughters, are they their worst enemies too?

lagcity:

I think it is the fault of the husband. He should be the referee and not take any nonsense from both mother and wife. Mother and wife should stay in their respective lanes and not get too familiar with each other; too much closeness is problematic.

Gbam!
u've just mentioned my problems here
the root of all the wahala

coolestboy:

Dia's is a total diff btw my mother n my wife.
My wife can neva perform my mum's function neither can my mum perform my wife's duties. D son/husband is d middle man, so he should know how 2 protect both parties in oda 2 avoid commotion bcs wen it happens he suffers most. Dia some things d son should let his mum know about likewise warnins made 2 d wife. But all in all a wife can forsake u but your mum wil neva.

I love your comments bro
i feel you
i have printed it to show some people 

maran1983:

Op, good question. My question is what do you do when you try your best to treat your MIL as you would treat your own mum but she keeps pushing you away? That's my experience. I was pregnant and decided to go and spend a week with my MIL, while there i fell ill two days to my departure and because of my delicate state i could not take drugs, i managed myself till i got back to my base. Because i had stayed a bit without treatment i had to be hospitalized, you won't believe this wicked woman didn't bother calling me all through my stay in the hospital and even till i was discharged.

I complained and my husband said it's because she's not used to calling, fine, that may be the case but in all sincerity would she have done same if i were to be her daughter? I doubt it!

Abi o
i like your question
And this is why i published this question here, not because of the good once (MIL)
In this case what will you do?

.

chaircover:

@maran, im not playing devils advocate but would you have rather that your mil did eye service and called you 5 times a day whilst you were on your hospital bed but behind your back plotted your downfall.

At least now, you know the way she feels about you and you can reevaluate the relationship. Personally I tend not to judge relationships on face value and rather than let it fester, I will ask her why she didnt ask after me.

chaircover, what's up with naijawedding[i]s[/i].net?
are you guys event planner and stuffs? i am asking cos i am getting married soon. so how good is your service and what's the fee?

,

@poster, Good Topic!

In my own case i don't MIL or FIL but SILs and BILs.They're just a pain in the ass,simply because we live in the same house,for just 6mths i have stayed with them i have seen alot and i took a lot of insults all in the name of allowing peace to reign.I pray God answer my prayers fast,those people are not just it,they could see u in the morning and just walk past u without saying a word of greeting or even showing any regard for their brother's wife.They make life so miserable for themselves not me.

http://pmnewsnigeria.com/2011/09/27/daughter-in-law-versus-mother-in-law/

This advice should help

@All: Some pple r lucky with their MIL while plenty are not so lucky. take a poll and the response will tell you what i mean. in all honesty i wish to treat her like my mother but she never gave me the chance. How do u expect at this time and age for DIL to come and sweep ur home and wash ur cloth wen she's just settling into marriage life and struggling with her pregnancy

@Mummy3: tnks for ur words, it's comforting to know someone somewhere wears my kind of shoes

chaircover:

Waoh congratulations coogar

We are not event planners but depending on where you are getting married I can recommend some very good planners and suppliers.

We do wedding dresses, accessories and lots of other items . . . check out our website.

do you supply brides too?

No only grooms

Maybe some DIL`s just deserve it.
When I think how much I invested in my son: Love, tears, pain, time , money. Do you know what it takes to give birth to a child and raise that child to be a responsible man. After all that effort one young girl comes along and wants to stand between you and your son or does not give you your due regard. Please tell me does she not deserve to be maltreated. You might think MIL are wicked but you need to get into their shoes to know how it feels.
A loving DIL fast becomes like one`s own daughter.
ANY WOMAN WOULD RATHER GAIN A DAUGHTER THAN LOOSE A SON.
So when getting married ask yourself which role you want to play.

smh

mutter:

Maybe some DIL`s just deserve it.
When I think how much I invested in my son: Love, tears, pain, time , money. Do you know what it takes to give birth to a child and raise that child to be a responsible man. After all that effort one young girl comes along and wants to stand between you and your son or does not give you your due regard. Please tell me does she not deserve to be maltreated. You might think MIL are wicked but you need to get into their shoes to know how it feels.
A loving DIL fast becomes like one`s own daughter.
ANY WOMAN WOULD RATHER GAIN A DAUGHTER THAN LOOSE A SON.
So when getting married ask yourself which role you want to play.

spoken like a true nigerian woman!

chaircover:

No only grooms

lemme have the address of the ones who supply brides!

most mother in laws are nt exposed and experienced and some of dem are so wicked as wanting to choose their sons wives themselves so they can still ve control over their sons,but i ve seen such marriages crash.some mother in laws vowed that over their dead body for their son to marry outside their hometown,some of them are so archaic and old fashioned that they refuse to embrace the good things that comes their way in form of daughter in law.i dont think any wife will be bad to a woman that treats her like a mother,be it mother in law or otherwise.if some mothers have their way they will sleep with their sons,rubbish

I don't know about others o, but my MIL is the most wonderful person in the world to me. She treats me like her daughter and she doesn't let anyone mess with me even her son! There was a time we were having issues and she told her son how disappointed in him she was and sent him to apologise to me. Lol! She will call me and tell me not to cook that she has cooked soup for me and the is sending it down to me. She always buys things, calls to see how I'm doing and is always looking out for me. She even told her brother off when he was saying stuff like, "pregnant women shdnt be wearing jeans"! She told him to mind his own business! Lol!
On my part, I treat her like my mom. If I see something I think she would like, I get it for her. I call her,take her grandkids to see her and I love her dearly. I'm so so lucky!

The article below,uploaded from my blog www.maritalsuccessresource.com deals with the topic

There is a general pre-conceived notion by many wives across the world that mothers-in-law are mean, wicked and wish them dead. Therefore the mother-in-law is a person that many wives wish they never had anything to do with. Many spinsters dread the thought of having a mother-in-law when they marry and very few wives have ever had any thing good to say about their mothers-in-law.

The causes of the breakdown in many marriages have been traced to the overbearing attitude of mothers-in-law and it is fast becoming a well known fact that the mother-in-law is the bane of many ailing marriages. It is in this regard that mothers-in-law are often seen and regarded by many as troublesome, poke nosing persons, antagonistic and the greatest enemy and rival of her daughter –in-law.

The question to ask is: Are mothers-in-law truly mean and wicked and why is it so?
The question is necessary in light of the fact that the mother-in-law was previously a daughter-in-law.

To be able to provide answers to these questions, it will be necessary to critically analyze and examine the roles played by the three parties to the conflict – the son, the wife and the mother-in-law. Through the analysis, the causes of the conflict will be determined and solutions proffered.


The Causes of the Conflict

The wife’s role

On account of the pre-conceived notions about mothers-in-laws that many wives had while they were spinsters, many of them came into their marriage prepared for the battle that must be fought to put their mother-in-law in the right place. So if these wives have naturally loving and caring mothers-in-law, they would misconstrue everything done and said by their mothers-in-law. In this regard, the wives have placed themselves on the offensive.

Another cause of the problem is the illusion that many wives have that their husbands must dissociate from his parents and cling to them. These wives are quick to quote the Bible verse that says that a ‘man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife’’ However, the wife seems to fail to realize that the same Bible says that ‘’a man shall honor his parents’’.

Further questions that will be addressed here are: Within the context of marriage, how is a husband expected to honor his parents? How does a man cleave unto his wife without straining the relationship with his parents?

It is ironic that the same wife, who wants her husband to dissociate from her his parents in the name of clinging to her, would have her own mother in her home at every excuse. Unfortunately, some husbands who did not realize the manipulative politics of their wives aimed at creating a bad impression about their mothers, have on account of the mischievous reports given them by the wives, spoken harshly to their mothers and have alienated them.


The Mother-in-law’s role

A mother’s relationship with her son is one of the most intimate but non-sexual relationships. A close bond develops between mother and son through breastfeeding him as a baby and the bond continues throughout life even in her son’s adult and marital life. It is a bond that makes many a mother to be very passionate about her son. Many mothers will naturally see their sons as little husbands

Many mothers have suffered lots of emotional attacks in their lifetime especially those who got married to difficult, impossible, unloving and abusive husbands who made life uneasy for them. They were there for their sons while young at his most vulnerable periods and bore the burden of his upbringing when he was growing up, learning to take his first steps, during sickness or struggling. Such mothers would look to their sons for solace and want to be accepted and loved by him and his wife.

When the wife appears on the scene to marry her son, who will have to shift his attention from his mother to his wife, the mother feels oppressed and may become heartbroken especially where there is no cordiality in the relations between her and her son’s family. These mothers fail to realize that they must become secondary while the wife becomes a priority in her husband’s life. Therefore, another cause of the raging conflict between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is a battle for who gets the attention of the son/husband.Plainly,it is a battle for control of the attention of the son/husband.

However, while there are touchy mothers-in-law who are difficult to please no matter how a wife strives, some mothers have genuine intentions and a sincere concern for the welfare of her son but the way her good intention will be received by her daughter-in-law will depend on her diplomacy.

Where a mother-in-law had a rough and an unhappy marriage with her husband, and now sees her daughter-in-law in a cordial and happy marriage with her son, she may become envious and will do anything to trouble her daughter-in-law's peace, to upset the marriage. She refuses to accept that her daughter-in-law now owns her son.So,the crisis is also borne out of envy.

The African mother-in-law has ''enormous powers'' unlike her western counterpart.The African mother-in-law derives her enormous powers from cultural and traditional values.In Africa, we have the extended family system which is a highly commendable system.It makes a member to be his brother's keeper,to cater for others outside his nuclear family and to be a father to them. But one major defect is that it makes a member to have an assumed right to meddle in the marital affairs of another member.

In many parts of Africa,the wife is not just married to her husband but is married to the whole family. In many parts,she is seen as a slave,an item of purchase or a nonentity who has no voice of her own.In many parts,parents match make and the mother-in-law plays a prominent role. Naturally,the mother-in-law becomes a ''godfather'' to her daughter -in-law with the ''power'' to fire her if she falls out of favor.

In many parts,open display of affection for a wife by her husband is often viewed as unmanliness or personal weakness.Therefore,many husbands support their relations against their wives even when it is clear that the wife is the aggrieved party.These husbands prefer to lose or strain their marriages in order to be in the ''good books'' of their relations.
These husbands watch helplessly while their mothers undo their marriages.Many African wives are often no match for their mothers-in-law simply because their husbands fail to protect them.Therefore,they lose out.

In the instances stated above,the son/husband takes the whole blame for his inability to break loose from this absurd orientation in the name of tradition.The basic problem here is the son/husband's failure to leave and to cleave unto his wife as Scripture commands in Genesis 2:24


The Son’s role

The son/husband is always at the center of the conflict which is a battle for his attention. Many sons have consciously and unconsciously fuelled the crisis by their mishandling of the situation.

Despite being married to their wives, some sons are still emotionally attached to their mothers or tied to her apron strings and would run to their mothers for succor at every turn. Such sons contribute to the conflict by granting their mothers the power to meddle or to interfere in their marital affairs, by their immaturity to face their responsibilities as men. A son who allows his parents to interfere in his marital affairs has set the stage for conflict which must occur if his wife resents such interference.
It is the emotional attachment that an overbearing mother exploits to trouble her son’s wife. Some sons blindly take sides with their mothers against their wives which worsen the situation and hasten the breakdown of the marriage

These sons fail to realize that there is a world of a difference between respect for one’s parents and servitude to them. Obedience to the biblical command to honor one’s parents does not permit a son to allow parental interference in his marital affairs but the son is bound to relate with them and to provide for them. Also a son who has complied with the biblical command to leave his parents and cleave to his wife will not allow third party interference in his marital affairs.


Suggested Solution

The Wife

The wife must realize that her relationship with her in-laws is a sensitive one that must not be ruptured. The wife should know that when she marries, she marries her husband along with his family and that her husband’s parents are also her parents. The wife is also required to honor her parents and the biblical command to honor one’s parents also includes honoring one’s parent figures such as in-laws.

A wife is expected to humble herself before her in-laws, be accommodating, tolerate and love them. Love is the foundation and the bedrock of every marriage but this love should be extended not only to the husband but also to the in-laws even if the wife thinks that they do not like her. She can not obliterate her in-laws and should check herself to see if there are any issues within her which caused the friction. She must not be on the offensive through pre-conceived notions that mothers-in-law are evil.

She must realize that her in-laws can do unacceptable things just like her own parents and instead of reacting negatively to stir up trouble, she should learn to overlook some errors. She should realize that what she sows in her relationship with her mother-in-law, she will reap in the future when she becomes a mother-in-law.

The Son

The Son has a major role to play to ensure cordial relations between his wife and her in-laws. His marriage to his wife must not be strained just as his wife’s relationship with her in-laws must not be allowed to rupture. The son should as the head of the home, lead every conflict resolution between his wife and her in-laws and not allow the misunderstandings to degenerate.

The Son must stand by his wife and protect her from his relations because marriage is leaving and cleaving to each other. Husband and wife are one flesh in marriage and are expected to be totally committed to each other’s happiness. Marriage is a bond and a covenant which must not be broken. It is not a marriage of convenience but a lifelong commitment to each other. They should not allow the parental bond which existed before the marriage to destabilize the marriage. In this wise, husband and wife must stand together to protect the marriage against external attacks.

The son should not take any steps that will create an occasion for third parties to come poke nosing into the affairs of his family. This is the point where many sons have gone wrong.

For the son to maintain a balanced relationship between his nuclear family and the extended family on one hand and to maintain a cordial relationship between himself and his wife requires careful handling, tact, wisdom and maturity. In every marriage, in-law misunderstandings may frequently occur but such issues must not be allowed to degenerate to destroy one’s marriage.

From the above, it has been established that the solution to the conflict lies in the hands of the husband and wife to maintain cordial relations with in-laws while ensuring that their own marriage is not strained.

The ball is in the court of the couple to stand as a united front to protect their union from external attacks and this is realizable when they can recognize that persons such as mothers-in-law are external parties to the marriage.The son/husband has a major role to play.
www.maritalsuccessresource.com

Sparkle777: Most problems btw mil and dil are caused by the hubby or son in question. My hubby s fond of reportin me to both my pple and his. Currently,am not on speaking terms with my mil and some of his pple apart from his dad who is like the best thing in my marriage. So men,if you want ur marriage to succeed better learn to respect and be loyal to ur wife cos no one will if you don't.

im in your shoes lady, same is happening in my end o. Mine just decided to stop telling his mother things because he has noticed that the reaction of his mother toward his report is extremely terrible. The mother now decided to love his brothers wives and decided to hate me, My hubby is now feeling so bad that the mother doesnt love me. He's now trying to convince the mother that i have change for good, not realizing that he's the one that has stopped his sin that used to make us have misunderstanding.

I just believe is God that's has heard my prayers.

karlakassy: most mother in laws are nt exposed and experienced and some of dem are so wicked as wanting to choose their sons wives themselves so they can still ve control over their sons,but i ve seen such marriages crash.some mother in laws vowed that over their dead body for their son to marry outside their hometown,some of them are so archaic and old fashioned that they refuse to embrace the good things that comes their way in form of daughter in law.i dont think any wife will be bad to a woman that treats her like a mother,be it mother in law or otherwise.if some mothers have their way they will sleep with their sons,rubbish

i reason with you o my sister, its terrible.

the daughter in laws of today would become the wicked mother in law tomorrow

ronkebp: The Bible says, as the heart thinketh so is he. If you have a good heart, good things would flow from it, hence the 10% women doing good to their daughter-inlaw. And if you have a bad heart nko?? bad things would freely flow. No one can hide from their characters.

ronkebp: The Bible says, as the heart thinketh so is he. If you have a good heart, good things would flow from it, hence the 10% women doing good to their daughter-inlaw. And if you have a bad heart nko?? bad things would freely flow. No one can hide from their characters.

coolestboy: Dia's is a total diff btw my mother n my wife.
My wife can neva perform my mum's function neither can my mum perform my wife's duties. D son/husband is d middle man, so he should know how 2 protect both parties in oda 2 avoid commotion bcs wen it happens he suffers most. Dia some things d son should let his mum know about likewise warnins made 2 d wife. But all in all a wife can forsake u but ur mum wil neva.

All in all too, your mother can never bear your children but your wife can.

Mothers in law should ask themselves if they would want their daughters to suffer in the hands of another woman. You raised your son, fed him, suffered for him. That's correct but why don't you marry him too and bear him children? Please women should mind their husbands and homes. Mothers in law should stop poking their noses in their sons and wifes affair. Their sons grew up and openely decided τ̅☺‎​​ marry the girl their heart accepted. Why can't mothers in law live with this normal existence?!

My dear most of the time it is the young couple that keep running to their parents. If they would only live in peace and stop coming to complain who would bother going to intervene.
Sometimes young couples should mind what they tell their parents about their partner in the heat because even when things cool down, the parents don`t forget.