5 Keys to Settling Marital Conflict
© Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac.

I'm sick of fighting! Enrico and I love each other, but wow do we argue, especially since having children. Help!

No doubt about it, marital squabbles and even ugly fights usually increase after children come along. The causes are painfully familiar to us all: sleep deprivation, little time for oneself, feeling let down, vicious cycles of finger-pointing, the in-laws, etc. etc. We certainly fought more frequently and intensely after having kids than ever before.

To solve these problems - and maintain an intact family in which to raise precious children - we've found five key methods. They're not glib, they're not a TV sound bite, but they're the real deal. Try them yourself - and see if you can get your spouse to go along.








Here they are:

Personal Well-Being - By taking better care of yourself, you'll be able to take better care of your partner, and have a cooler, clearer head in quarrels. This means really doing the fundamentals: protein with every meal, good vitamin supplements (please see our book if you have any questions), sleep as an extremely high priority, personal stress relief practices, and the support of good friends and family.




The 80-20 Rule - Put 80% of your energy into how you can be a better mate, and just 20% on how he/she could be less of a jerk. You have little power to change your partner, but great power to change yourself. Take maximum personal responsibility for whatever is true in your partner's complaints, and then unilaterally make appropriate changes. That will make you feel good about yourself, give you the best odds of getting better behavior from your mate, and put you on the high moral ground.





Empathy - Try to get inside your partner's skin, sensing the being behind the words - and ask firmly for the same. Isn't that why you married each other, that you felt deeply known and listened to? Being empathic doesn't mean you agree or approve or let someone off the hook, just that you understand. And when you understand, you're more able to address what's really at stake for the other person. And when you feel understood, you're more willing to get to the heart of the matter and make peace.





Solutions Focus - Go after what would make things better from now on rather than argue about the past. Be honest with yourself: what are you up to, making a case for why you're right, or making things better in your relationship? Pick a topic and stick with it without jumping around. Then make realistic agreements, keep them, and move on.




Loving At Will - Life is hard for all of us, and we all suffer in a variety of ways, so each of us is called to bring compassion and lovingkindness to other people - even the person we're married to! This both makes us quietly happy and helps the world be a better place. While love may not be top of mind in the midst of a nutty day, any one of us can use the will to reach down inside and pull up a little love. Giving it ennobles us, lifts our own heart, brings dignity and self-respect . . . and often kindles a fire of love in return.

Ma eyes kinda hurts can u summarize plss

spaced the key need to know, for better reading.

With all this never-ending "rules" and "advice" on marriage counselling, the divorce rates keep skyrocketing higher and higher each passing day. People are already informed about the "80-20" rule and all that but how does that help? If one partner is bent on cheating on the other, none of this would move them. If one partner is physically violent to the other, all these advice don't count. People will always do what they want to do. It doesn't matter how much counselling and "tips" they are given.

Want my own tips? Men should be MEN in their marriages and should not for one moment take up the role of the ladies. Women should be WOMEN in their marriages and shouldn't allow feminazi brainwashing get to them (this is one of major cause of breakups coz women want to play the roles of males and females at the side time).

Nuff said!

I don't like rules/keys and steps to achieve this and that. In my life I have learnt that they don't work unless you got the right mindset plus determination to make it work regardless. A human heart is the most deceitful of all things and desperately wicked.
Keys and padlocks will never achieve their purpose if the mind resists.A willing and open mind first b4 change is seen.

pendo89:

I don't like rules/keys and steps to achieve this and that. In my life I have learnt that they don't work unless you got the right mindset plus determination to make it work regardless. A human heart is the most deceitful of all things and desperately wicked.
Keys and padlocks will never achieve their purpose if the mind resists.A willing and open mind first b4 change is seen.

took the words outta my mouth.

I totally agree with my "half" Pendo, I thinl there's no guideline or steps or whatever, it depends of too many elements, circumstences and conditions
Plus, relationships are different from one couple to another

By the way kiss to you Blyss long time

Hey Nayah, How u doin? Yeah, kind of agree on the circumstances and differing relationship amongst couple. However, some people might find the guideline handy. That is, the clueless ones not sure of wat they are doing.

Bliss4Lyfe:

Hey Nayah, How u doin? Yeah, kind of agree on the circumstances and differing relationship amongst couple. However, some people might find the guideline handy. That is, the clueless ones not sure of wat they are doing.

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I,ve read through the Keys and padlocks but cannot compromise can someone with a good head pls summarize everything to me to the best of my knowledge

When something is over,it can never start again.
When it's broken,you can never put back the pieces.
Life is not the way you want it to be.
When you know that someone is hurting you so much,
just S T O P!
We know that it hurts a lot,but you must learn to let go.
Don't push yourself too hard,
just believe that in every ENDING there is always a new BEGINNING

harakiri:

With all this never-ending "rules" and "advice" on marriage counselling, the divorce rates keep skyrocketing higher and higher each passing day. People are already informed about the "80-20" rule and all that but how does that help? If one partner is bent on cheating on the other, none of this would move them. If one partner is physically violent to the other, all these advice don't count. People will always do what they want to do. It doesn't matter how much counselling and "tips" they are given.

Want my own tips? Men should be MEN in their marriages and should not for one moment take up the role of the ladies. Women should be WOMEN in their marriages and shouldn't allow feminazi brainwashing get to them (this is one of major cause of breakups coz women want to play the roles of males and females at the side time).

Nuff said!

So what is being a man in a marraige, slapping the woman around, giving her blows and verbally abusing her and having numerous affairs outside the home, is that what being a man is to you?

No need for a long list of prescriptions. Experience show that they do not work.

The simple rule is: Treat your marital partner as you would want to be treated.

One marriage is different from the next one you know.I think steps sometimes losses its appeal in real life situation

ronkebp:

So what is being a man in a marraige, slapping the woman around, giving her blows and verbally abusing her and having numerous affairs outside the home, is that what being a man is to you?

are u comprehending anything at all? so that is what u understand by Man being man and woman being woman.

beknown:

No need for a long list of prescriptions. Experience show that they do not work.

The simple rule is: Treat your marital partner as you would want to be treated.

Gbammed

You've said it all, love ur wife and be dutiful, am trying my best for my family as a man, she has to do her own part too. Alot of women bring Fantasy or Ideal thing into marriage and siddon dey look, let the man fufil her dream without bringing anything to the table. We are not perfect, two hand wash better.

ronkebp:

So what is being a man in a marraige, slapping the woman around, giving her blows and verbally abusing her and having numerous affairs outside the home, is that what being a man is to you?

are u comprehending anything at all? so that is what u understand by Man being man and woman being woman.

beknown:

No need for a long list of prescriptions. Experience show that they do not work.

The simple rule is: Treat your marital partner as you would want to be treated.

Gbammed

You've said it all, love ur wife and be dutiful, am trying my best for my family as a man, she has to do her own part too. Alot of women bring Fantasy or Ideal thing into marriage and siddon dey look, let the man fufil her dream without bringing anything to the table. We are not perfect, two hands wash better.

http:

are u comprehending anything at all? so that is what u understand by Man being man and woman being woman.
Gbammed

You've said it all, love your wife and be dutiful, am trying my best for my family as a man, she has to do her own part too. Alot of women bring Fantasy or Ideal thing into marriage and siddon dey look, let the man fufil her dream without bringing anything to the table. We are not perfect, two hands wash better.

Nope i do not understand at all, that is all i understand from that statement when it comes from Harakiri. Mr Comprehension!!!!!

Treat your marital partner as you would want to be treated.


Well said. I hope the men will take this philosophy into consideration.

tips and formulas don't work here. It takes 2 willing parties to succeed, but one unwilling party to fail. So, if the man or woman is unwilling to join the partner in working at it, a basketful of msn-style ''tips'' is a waste of ink (keyboard)

Just know when to be soft and when to be rigid, failure to do this will spell doom for any man (and ultimately any marriage).

I support Harakiri, men should be men. Being the man includes providing the steel in the relationship, providing the goodies and protecting the whole home. Women should be the care givers and put the provisions to good use, while recharging the man and providing any enabling environment to make sure peace reigns at all times.