@ slimyem I don't agree with your advice AT ALL. This is how faithful women end up with AIDS. If you constantly forgive you indirectly endorse the behaviour. Forget love/marriage your HEALTH comes first. Even if the man uses protection, protection is never 100% safe.

@op
i want to beliv you are legally maried and agreed to all d oaths,and i also believe you and your hubby truely love eachoder and thats why you are togethe. In d first place,if a man truely loves his wife,he as no reason whatsoever to cheat on her except somthing went wrong,its either the love dosent exist anymore or he feels he isnt loved anymore. If u still love your hubby,forgive him and have a heart to heart disccusion with him,let him know how much pain he as caused you,show him more love and care,let him understand his kids are lookin up to you both as role models and thats why you need to betogether. I know its preety difficult cause of all the hurt,embarrasment and insult you have faced. It will take long to heal and trust your hubby again BUT FOR UR KIDS AND YOUR HUBBY AND FOR YOU TOO, pls u need to make your marriage work cause thats what makes you a VIRTOUS WOMAN. AND DONT FORGET TO PUT HIM IN PRAYERS u realy need it now than ever. Put the devil to shame my sister and make your marriage work,am sure you dont want your kids having a step dad. Whatever you decide,i wish you the very best.

Jesus Christ!!!!!!!

Withdraw your emotions. How can one withdraw emotions and stay in that relationship?holy Mary, infact I don't even know what to say. Even the same God you are calling here, allowed divorce in a case of infidelity.

I still stand by what I said, I will continue to pray for all of you in Nigeria, that God will add worth to your life, 99.9% of yous are worthless.

Argggggggg I agree wth BB. Some of our mothers have failed us, just look at the ideas they deposited in their daughters heads "if your husband sleeps around forgive him and stay, because no marriage is perfect".

Pampers:

Wat am sayin is dvorce doesnt come too easy.Best is fr her to pray hard dat he changes.Ther r alwys chalenges in mariage

Look at you dodging qestions, back up your claim woman, CC asked you a question, which you never answered, is staying in a loveless and emotionless marriage exactly how God intended marriage to be?

@ chaircover, that was the one that really got to me you know, that she insulted me. He claims he had a long talk with her about it saying that no matter what it was going on btw them she had no right to insult me. But I say, how can you tell her not to insult me when you are doing the same? For me it is not about sorry because you can say sorry tire. Right now we are on probation and he knows it. Its not about creative ways to hide because I am very very good at finding stuff out, if I put my mind to it. And I never let anyone crawl over me , far from it. He just never thot I would find out because he thot he covered his tracks so well. Right now, I'm playing a wait and see game, he claims he has told me everything but I'm waiting to see. And as for the girl, she thinks she has gotten away with it, but she doesnt know who I am. If you like, move to Kafanchan, I will get you.

Your husband knows where she is. (Not that I’m saying you should fvck her up like she deserves o. I couldn’t possibly say such a terrible thing!) I’m just saying. He knows where she is. Do with this info what you may.

Dear OP, you are deceiving yourself! This man has ZERO respect for you. Words, especially to a serial liar, are meaningless because this man demonstrated that he will say ANYTHING to eat his cake and have it too! He has done it successfully in the past! Look at his actions! His actions tell you all that you need to know. Deep down in your heart, you already know this but you're just buying yourself time because you don't want to deal with the consequences of a failed marriage, yet.

There are two main types of serial cheaters: those that have absolutely no regards for their wives and those that have serious issues with self-control and just can't stay away from an available woman. Your husband is pretending to be the latter but he is actually the former! He let his girlfriend, a subordinate at work, insult you and then did NOTHING about it! Chei!!!  Woman, as far as that marriage is concerned, you are finished! Why are you even bothering with the girl when your biggest problem still shares your bed? The girl isn't married to you. She owes you nothing, whatsoever! She insulted you only because she knew she would get away with it (and she was right!). The issues you need to be facing right now is your husband. Aunty, that man doesn't respect you and there is no amount of sugar-coating that will change that. He is only shedding crocodile tears because he knows you are soft and will let him right back in.

So what are your options? Are you financially independent? Can you raise your kids without him? If yes, then you might want to request a formal separation. I know this is pretty radical advice but I am afraid that it is only by doing something this extreme that you will show this man that there are serious consequences for his actions. Remember that this isn't a one-time thing. He knowingly deceived you for years, even after you caught him again and again! While he was with this woman, did he come home to kiss you in the mouth after a hot session with this girl? Did he look you in the eyes and tell you that he loves you right after saying exactly the same thing to this woman?! This isn't a marriage! It's a sham. He doesn't love you but only likes playing house with you. A temporary separation is a good way to know if this man is truly willing to save your marriage. If he truly loves you, he will do EVERYTHING in his power to get you and the kids back. If he is just another dog (like I strongly suspect he might be), he'll find himself another woman after a few weeks and leave you free to continue with your life. I have seen a few families reunite after a few months/years of separation so this is not a completely out-the-left field suggestion.

Another option you have is to just stay. You should only do this if you truly have no other option and you value the security of staying married over the uncertainty and loneliness of being a single mother. Please, don't think this is the safest option. It is actually the most dangerous one because guess what? He will cheat on you again and the next time, he might cheat on you with a woman who has nothing to lose. This future woman will demand to be moved into the home and guess who will be sent packing? You and your kids! Don't think this scenario is that far-fetched. Far more "far-fetched" scenarios happen every day in Naija. You don't want to make yourself and your kids vulnerable to the whims of a man that won't respect his vows and his wife. You might think you're sacrificing for the sake of the relationship by forgiving him again and choosing to stay in this marriage, but all you are doing is telling your husband that you don't care what he does.

A third option is to turn into a crazy wife that doesn't mind dying of hypertension or doing whatever it takes to keep her man. By choosing this option, you will turn yourself into a top-notch investigator and area-girl (you might also be required to step-up your jazz game from time to time, depending on the powers of your adversary). You will beat-up/maim any woman that messes with your husband and keep your husband under lock and key. If you have the energy and the means to do this, then you might want to strongly consider this option. Many big Lagos women are this way with their rich husbands. Any woman that dares to think she can spend more than a few nights with their husbands will be visited by their thugs and jazz-induced evil spirits. To them, marriage is a war and the enemy is OTHER women.

Above all, pray and use your brain. Whatever decision you make now has life-changing implications for you and your kids. Deferring the decision-making until later is dangerous because you might have that decision taken away from your control by either being kicked out or getting an incurable disease. Good luck oh! May you find God's favor, mercy and grace in these trying times.

I abhor it when married people cheat, the health issue is also paramount for OP in my opinion. I don't think this man can ever change, he loves the intimacy too much to care about the consequences. OP, should settle for a non-acrimonious divorce. It breaks my heart to give such advice though.

The thing alot of people dont understand, good women dont stay in such relationships, stup!d women do!

I think you check out of a marriage after you have done ALL that you could do. I don't think that the poster has done ALL. I feel shehas been lazy about her marriage. Not saying the husband is not a lying cheating whatchumacallit but she also dropped th ball. First of all when she founf out that the woman worked in the office the only reasonable thing was for her to be fired. She did not insist on that and chose to "forgive". She basically told the man right there that she was a fool. I cannot even disagree. If you do not know what forgive means stop throwing the owrd around. Obviously that made her go crazy because she has been obsessively checking his phone and stalking her own husband meanwhile he has a 2nd wife outside that was keeping his bed warm when she disappeared for 4 months and went to another country. She needs to stay and at least show that she has some sense. I am not saying that she should keep having sex with him but she gave him the go ahead to keep sleeping with this girl. I have a feeling that this girl will always be around. It would have even been better if it were different women.One woman for 3 years and you the no so smart wife would wave to him in the morning and probably even tell him to greet your mate for you when he reaches work. Hmm.

@chaircover,u are very right,

Its not so easy leaving ones spouse as we people think expecialy when one still LOVES the other and kids are also involed,u dont consider yourself alone but also your kids,the aftermath of such experince is very terrible,it affects their studies and social life,some kids dont even forgive thier parents and some females children grow up to tink all men are the same. Am sure if we ask single parents of their experience after leavin their spouse,90% of them do not have good stories to tell.marriage is not a bed of roses so is divorse. Am also sure most us here grew up knowing our parents lived together as one, am not saying either of our parents cheated at one time but the truth is they will never tell thier kids.
Have we also given it a thought of if the man is being jazzed? Yes its possible cause this is Nigeria. This case needs God intervention.

taryour:

@chaircover,u are very right,

Its not so easy leaving ones spouse as we people think expecialy when one still LOVES the other and kids are also involed,u dont consider yourself alone but also your kids,the aftermath of such experince is very terrible,it affects their studies and social life,some kids dont even forgive thier parents and some females children grow up to tink all men are the same. Am sure if we ask single parents of their experience after leavin their spouse,90% of them do not have good stories to tell.marriage is not a bed of roses so is divorse. Am also sure most us here grew up knowing our parents lived together as one, am not saying either of our parents cheated at one time but the truth is they will never tell thier kids.
Have we also given it a thought of if the man is being jazzed? Yes its possible cause this is Nigeria. This case needs God intervention.

Nobody jazzed him. He went of his own free will. I wonder what excuse all the serial cheaters who are not NIgerians will have to give. Jazz ko jazz ni

Things like this turn sane people into raving lunatics. Whatever you decide to do, do it for your peace of mind. Marriage is to be enjoyed not endured. I see you wrote Christ said we should forgive, but do you know if you remain in that marriage with bitterness and resentment, you will not make heaven o. If leaving would give you peace of mind, please find that peace. If you are long suffering, by all means stay there. But I'd advice you start putting your finances together in case of anything. Obviously he doesn't respect, so who's to say you won't be kicked out one day if you stay.

Even if he sacked the other eediot, truth is he can still find her wherever but I have to agree this poster is vey soft. I mean how can you forgive a man like this and move on like nothing happened? She insulted you and you did nothing about it, come onnnn? I dont believe in fighting another woman in cases like this but, If she thinks she has gotten away with it then Make her realize she hasn't. Take your husbands phone( if the msgs are still there)and go to her husband, tell him to put a leash on her. Since she has ruined yours, ruin hers. Your husband knows where she is believe me

stillwater:

Things like this turn sane people into raving lunatics. Whatever you decide to do, do it for your peace of mind. Marriage is to be enjoyed not endured. I see you wrote Christ said we should forgive, but do you know if you remain in that marriage with bitterness and resentment, you will not make heaven o. If leaving would give you peace of mind, please find that peace. If you are long suffering, by all means stay there. But I'd advice you start putting your finances together in case of anything. Obviously he doesn't respect, so who's to say you won't be kicked out one day if you stay.

ROTFLMAO

chaircover:

Personally going after the other woman is a waste of time and I dont understand why women do it.

first of all the other woman hasn't made any vows with anyone. It is the husband who broke his vows to his wife. Secondly the other woman will only insult the wife if the husband allows it. if the husband does not respect his wife and talks and behaves shabbily towards her, the the girlfriend will pick up on this and do the exactly same.

If the man is a serial cheat then how many women will you fight? Id rather spend the energy on my husband and making him realize that his behavior is totally unacceptable.

Besides Men and their egos LOL. The man will just be feeling hip when two women are fighting over him so dont even give him the pleasure.

Wow Chaircover, you have really changed. Just last year you were busy telling a nlder whose husband cheated on her to go report his mistress to her(mistress') pastor and friends(people she knows).

Ok so there is more to the story than first thought. Seems that there are deeper marital problems than just a one off misdemeanor. This man is having an affair.

First of all, your husband has shifted the goal posts, so feel free to do the same.

When next your husbands friend comes to the house, anything short of throwing elubo on his head is acceptable. Embarrass him and he leaves. If he is married, go to his wife and tell her that her husband is the go between between your husband and other women.

Next stop is sister big bossoms pastor, make a formal complaint explaining to him/her what is happening. Next stop Sister Big bossoms closest friend and sister big bossoms not too close friend who you know will spread the gossip very well.

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-629452.96.html#bot

We don't know if this woman has moved on. Second off, the first man did not even sleep with her, seh na only boobs he sucked. This one actually slept numerous of times so if you ask me, this one is a much more serious case than that one. Third off, I did not tell her to go after every woman has slept with.

@Op
My advise still stands, take your mans phone to her husband and show him the messages. Haba, God forbid this happens to me oooo but I will just take the phone to him and walk when I eman walk I mean WALk and start a better life for my kids.

chaircover:

Personally going after the other woman is a waste of time and I dont understand why women do it.

first of all the other woman hasn't made any vows with anyone. It is the husband who broke his vows to his wife. Secondly the other woman will only insult the wife if the husband allows it. if the husband does not respect his wife and talks and behaves shabbily towards her, the the girlfriend will pick up on this and do the exactly same.

If the man is a serial cheat then how many women will you fight? Id rather spend the energy on my husband and making him realize that his behavior is totally unacceptable.

Besides Men and their egos LOL. The man will just be feeling hip when two women are fighting over him so dont even give him the pleasure.

I watched a movie, very hilarious actually where the lady was constantly kidnapping and flogging the hell out of her husbands mistresses so bad that when the man was out with a babe in public they were both constantly looking over thier shoulders, woman acted the part really well. She will kidnap the mistresses along with the driver her accomplice, take them home and flog them properly with belt. Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I am not a fan of nollywood but i have watched that movie a thousand times. I dont support going after any woman oh, as a formerly cheated wife you will know that you have only one husband but several babes, secondly the vow is btw you and ur hubby not with any other babe. In as much as i loved the humour in that movie, at the end of the day it was still a sheer watse of time as she finally divorced him and sold the house lol he came home and met the house sold. Kai that woman reminds me of Jenny.

Which Jenny? how does the woman remind you of jenny? did jenny tell the OP to go and harass every woman her husband have dated? cos if I did please quote me. abeg

I have no business with the woman, my business is with her husband, same way CC's business was with the other woman's pastor and friend. Is my grammar difficult to comprehend?

jennykadry:

Which Jenny? how does the woman remind you of jenny? did jenny tell the OP to go and harass every woman her husband have dated? cos if I did please quote me. abeg

I have no business with the woman, my business is with her husband, same way CC's business was with the other woman's pastor and friend. Is my grammar difficult to comprehend?

kai Madam your blood dey hot. I drew the comparism to the zero tolerance for nonsense mentality of the woman. Didnt mean to offend you oh, if I did i apologise

I am not upset. You don't have to apologise. You people are talking about women harassing their husbands mistresses and how long can they keep doing that for like I told the OP to do just that.

jennykadry:

I am not upset. You don't have to apologise. You people are talking about women harassing their husbands mistresses and how long can they keep doing that for like I told the OP to do just that.

Didnt mean it that way, like i said earlier my emphasis was on the womans zero tolerance for nonesense. It was a really cool movie, wish there was a way i could send u a copy cos the woman among the group of women was the only one always bold enough to face issues head on. She never for a day played the victim, she was always bold and smart, a lot of women will want to be like that but lack the courage. Sometimes we may clash but I have and will always admire how bold and secure you are, you may not nknow it but its a gift. We have a culture of bending and managing so its cool to see someone who knows what she wants and does it anyway not minding what society says.

@debreif08,very true. The film is titiled reloaded and ramsey noah was the cheatin hubby.
@outsrip,u are completely right abt the woman not given her all yet into the marriage.
@op
am sorry this might sound hurtfull but you that insult toyourself by goin to contront that lady. In the first place,you have no buisness wothsoever with the lady. The only person you need to fight is you hubby.you still need to give your hubby a chance cause you gave room and played your part in making things go this bad.

taryour:

@debreif08,very true. The film is titiled reloaded and ramsey noah was the cheatin hubby.

Thanks for reminding me of the name jare. Very funny movie, great acting by the woman, not the usual overacting in Nollywood

I cannot but pity the husband- it may sound weird.
This man confessed that he was in an EMOTIONAL relationship. Which so much as means he had someone who loved him and understood him and vice versa and all the rest that differentiates humans from animals.
Your post is full of I , I this , I that , I forgave. I missed the WE. You needed to have addressed the main problem that your husband had found love outside his home. Yo needed to have set him free to be with his love or tried to find the love you guys once had.
Your whole write up and actions you took are those of someone protecting their property. not of a woman trying to find love again with her husband.
You even took of 4 months without the issues being cleared.
Your husband is a decent man for not sacking the woman. Why should he sack a company staff who has not faulted in her work because of a private issue?  Why should you go and confront the woman at her working place? You overstepped your boundaries .hat is why it was okay for your husband not to have embarrassed her there.
I hate men that cheat on wives, i also think it is a health risk.
But I also think it is senceless thinking a man or woman is your proerty and is obliged to stay with you, when every emotion is dead.
You should have invested more time loving and caring than controling and fighting.
This man was not born with your name on hi forehead. In marriage we need to earn to rekindle our love and never to take anything for granted.
Your husband is in love, not cheating on you.
What you should do? - Thank God the lady has taken a walk and try to find love once more,
on the other hand if you are not capable of loving and forgiving , say godbye.
Not trying to be mean- just giving you a jolt in another direction. I hope i all work out for you both.

mutter:

I cannot but pity the husband- it may sound weird.
This man confessed that he was in an EMOTIONAL relationship. Which so much as means he had someone who loved him and understood him and vice versa and all the rest that differentiates humans from animals.
Your post is full of I , I this , I that , I forgave. I missed the WE. You needed to have addressed the main problem that your husband had found love outside his home. Yo needed to have set him free to be with his love or tried to find the love you guys once had.
Your whole write up and actions you took are those of someone protecting their property. not of a woman trying to find love again with her husband.
You even took of 4 months without the issues being cleared.
Your husband is a decent man for not sacking the woman. Why should he sack a company staff who has not faulted in her work because of a private issue?  Why should you go and confront the woman at her working place? You overstepped your boundaries .hat is why it was okay for your husband not to have embarrassed her there.
I hate men that cheat on wives, i also think it is a health risk.
But I also think it is senceless thinking a man or woman is your proerty and is obliged to stay with you, when every emotion is dead.
You should have invested more time loving and caring than controling and fighting.
This man was not born with your name on hi forehead. In marriage we need to earn to rekindle our love and never to take anything for granted.
Your husband is in love, not cheating on you.
What you should do? - Thank God the lady has taken a walk and try to find love once more,
on the other hand if you are not capable of loving and forgiving , say godbye.
Not trying to be mean- just giving you a jolt in another direction. I hope i all work out for you both.

For real? hmmmm

@Mutter

I still don't know why Seun hasn't banned you and your entire location from posting on this forum. I honestly don't know.

chaircover:

I remember the movie. Its one of my favourite movies too. Nse ikpe etim (my favourite female actress) was the wife and Ramsey Noah was the husband.

It was in that same movie that Ini Edo & her cousin beat the hell out of Desmond Elliot the wife beater who used to beat her up and humiliate her

Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Yes oh how did I forget the Ini Edo part and "wonder Boy" Totennnhamm. One of the best movies to come out of Nigeria. She doesnt act much does she? That was the first movie I saw her in and boy she was great

@mutter
you have made a whole lot of sence in your post.

@jennykadiri,i see no reason why mutter shuld be banned for posting such sensible post.you seem to have forgoten this is africa,Nigeria to be presise were we women are lovin and caring to both our husbands and kids. You dont just opt out of your marriage cause of some tiny girls in skirt who wants to break our home and destroy love that exist between father and children. Unlike in oder countries were they just go for divorce,in Nigeria a true virtous woman would give her best and fight tooth and nail to keep her home intact and never go for a divorce except in exceptional cases which i dont see in this. If every woman as thus and just go for divorce then am sure 85% of the population in the world would be of single parent and broken home. No mother in this life ever prays to raise thier kids out of a broken home and those that are product of a broken home DO NOT have good tails to tell.
My stay on marriage is as long as kids are involed,when you face challenges in your marriage,you do not only consider youself but consider more of your kids. No woman wants to have 2 or more kids for diffrent fathers.