What Do I Do? - Family - Nairaland
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| What Do I Do? by Daresh(f): 7:17pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
My husband cheated on me with this lady that works for him. I first noticed in 2009 that he was making , receiving calls that he was clearly hiding from me. I confronted him and after much denials, he admitted that he was in an emotional relationship with some girl he met somewhere. I later found out that it was this girl in the office. I confronted both of them and they both apologized and begged for forgiveness.I decided to take the high road and forgive. Later in 2010, I noticed that the lady in question was giving me attitude when I tried to talk to her and I told him about it. I suspected something was going on but because I had no proof, I kept quiet. I was out of the country for 4 months in 2011 and when I got back, I was scrolling through his old phone and I came across some sexual text messages sent from someone clearly indicating they had been intimate. I confronted him this time really mad and he apologized and gave me some story about it being some girl he met somewhere. I was really really mad but after a while I decided to put it behind me and move on after all Christ forgives. A few months later, I find more messages on his phone to the same number (I'm really good with numbers) about meeting and all that. He kept denying and denying until I did some digging and found out he was sleeping with this same girl from his office! I have been so angry with both of them especially him for doing nothing when I asked him to fire her. I told him she insulted me and he did nothing. They both kept lying and lying and lying to me. He couldn't even break it off when I asked him to. Now he says he has come clean and is asking me to forgive again. How can I believe what? How can I believe that he isn't lying to me again? The worst part, the lady in question quit, and got married. She was engaged all the while and he just let her go without even firing her or letting me get really mad. I am really really mad and I hope I dont do anything I will regret. Everyone is saying forgive and move on but how can I move on with someone I don't trust? He says he would do whatever it takes but I dont even know what it takes. I am so mad at him and her for lying and fooling me for years. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Nobody: 7:37pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
I understand how you feel. Like you have been taken for a ride, you feel cheated and somehow you feel he cared more about the gal's feeling than yours. Cheating is a painful thing and sorry doesn't always cover it. But it seems you have a good marriage going. No marriage is perfect each has its own peculiarity. Hard as it is this is your hubby. Forgive him again. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by coogar: 7:41pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
Daresh: your husband is a serial cheat! same chic all the time and the chic in question was also engaged all the while? the moral decadence these days is perplexing! |
| Re: What Do I Do? by slimyem: 7:43pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
forgive him to save your marriage but chances are he'll do it again albeit with someone else! |
| Re: What Do I Do? by coogar: 7:50pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
slimyem: forgive him? she has been forgiving him. . . . .her husband is a billy-goat! |
| Re: What Do I Do? by TroyJay(m): 7:56pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
Forgive him and END IT! Your trust for him is eroded enough. Infidelity is a very good ground for divorce. And here, we are talking of multiple infidelity! 1 Like |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Nobody: 8:01pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
It's a good idea to find out why he even began it in the first place. The why is one of the big questions here. What were his reasons for the emotional affair - where it started from? Then, the latter. Had you not confronted him, would he have come clean to you on his own? You both have to be honest and leave everything open on the table. Forgiving him isn't going to be easy as abc here, but it's something you've to do for you. It's going to be a process and you should seek the help of a pro to help you: you and your feelings alone and the two of you together as a couple. I wouldn't suggest you give up on him now. You need answers. You would be able to come to some kind of closure after getting them, especially in terms of whether to stay or part. Good luck. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Flashaldrin(m): 8:01pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
Yea, kick his cheating arse out!! |
| Re: What Do I Do? by slimyem: 9:39pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
coogar:of course,he is! But she has only two options-forgive him or not! I just suggested one.she can either take it or leave it. However,resultant of any of the options would be hers to bear alone! |
| Re: What Do I Do? by InkedNerd(f): 9:45pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
@OP: You know sometimes I can't help but wonder what kind inbred stupidity that leads African women to stay in such situations. It's no longer a matter of marriage having challenges. He has clearly demonstrated not only does he not respect you, he doesn't care how his actions affect you. If he has done it in the past, he will surely do it again. As a woman, what you choose to do about it will determine the quality of life you will love. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by flash11(m): 10:00pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
I will say it again, kick his sorry cheating arse out!!! Or else you will come again tomorrow crying, cos he will cheat on you again and again and again, and subsequent ones will be more painful than the previous! |
| Re: What Do I Do? by InkedNerd(f): 10:04pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
flash11: OP, listen to this guy. Even the guys are telling you to leave that sniveling creature you call a husband. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Daresh(f): 10:29pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
As much as I want to forgive, it is really hard. We had a very long conversation about it all and he discussed from the root to the tip of the matter. The truth is, I dont know what to believe anymore. I dont even believe he is no longer in contact with her. And yes andromida you are right, I feel he took her side over mine although he claims he just didnt want any confrontation btw us that she had already told him she was leaving so he just wanted her to leave without thinking I would ever find out. Unfortunately I found out about a day too late to attack her. I asked him to leave my house and he did for a few days,but we have 2 children, and they love their father. I know I owe it to them to give it another shot but I've told him, this is the last time. We have been on this issue for almost 3 weeks and I cannot go through this kind of drama anymore. I have told his mum and brothers, everyone is disappointed because they know the said female, told my family so they wont be surprised if I leave him. If anyone one knows any creative ways to get back at d heifer for insulting me, please let me know. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by flash11(m): 10:36pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
Ok goodluck with your decision. Lemme put your username to memory incase if i see it again in a not too distant future in a far pitiable condition  |
| Re: What Do I Do? by InkedNerd(f): 10:40pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
Daresh: Although I think it would be nice tear the "other woman" to pieces, I think you should let her be. If it were I, I probably would have told her husband about the whole thing so she can have a bit of drama in her marriage but hey, that's just me. It's good that you told both sides of your family, that way they won't say the news came out of left field. Like I always say, children aren't stupid--they can tell when somethings up even if you don't tell them. Ultimately the decision is up to you. You know what kind of man he is so tread lightly my sista. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by TroyJay(m): 10:41pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
Daresh, just move on. Dont hurt yourself more by trying to get back at him. You are emotionally attached to him and thinking of how best to get back at him may affect you more than you anticipated, and you may end up hurting yourself pretty bad! Move on!  |
| Re: What Do I Do? by queensmith: 10:55pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
Andromida is not right dear woman abeg, free yourself before that man rips your heart to pieces and your integrity to shreds. There is a special dustbin for men like your husband, its called the curb I suggest you don't hesitate to throw him in it. Unfortunately this website and Nigerian culture dictates that you will but I will speak anyway. This man has been cheating on you since 2010, he is not only sleeping with this woman he's in a 'emotional' relationship with her. He probably believes he loves her and is having second doubts about you. This relationship has carried on for over a year now, he refuses to leave her and is blatantly showing you he is not willing to lay aside his infidelities or make sacrifices for your marriage. I need to ask what exactly your clinging onto? Your pulling at straws madam, one can only hope he doesn't leave you to elope with this woman. Do you not love yourself enough to realise that this man isn't worth the drama? The heartbreak? The suffering? Why will you subject yourself to such when you are faithful? Do you not believe you deserve more? IMO you have two options, you can sit down and have a talk with you husband about a)divorce b)making it open season. If i were you i will have his bags packed and ready to be thrown in the nearest river, it's not a marriage your in, its shambles. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Nobody: 11:08pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
TroyJay: oh boy ? how far na? You don change user name? Wetin Happen na? |
| Re: What Do I Do? by TroyJay(m): 11:13pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
Vikin:I dont think we've met!  |
| Re: What Do I Do? by coogar: 11:16pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
slimyem: if every woman keeps leaving her marriage, no one else would be married. i was actually being sarcastic when i posted that - she should persevere. . . .most of y'all women don't know what it takes to be a man. it's burdensome! |
| Re: What Do I Do? by InkedNerd(f): 11:39pm On Feb 10, 2012 |
coogar: Oh gee, poor you. It must be terrible to live in a society that bends of over backwards to your attics and allows you to see live a life where you benefit from double standards. Poor you!  1 Like |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Nobody: 6:22am On Feb 11, 2012 |
What are you still doin in that marriage? A man that has no respect for you or your kids? Is it when he gives you std you will leave? Don't bring your kids into these Abeg, my kids my kids my kids, you think it is okay to stay with an abusive man for the sake of kids? You think it is a good environment to bring them up in? If I say I am very disappointed in andromida's post, it will be an understatement. I will pray for you women in Nigeria, that God will make you add some worth to your life, cos right now, 99% of you's are worthless. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Nobody: 6:38am On Feb 11, 2012 |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Daresh(f): 8:11am On Feb 11, 2012 |
@ chaircover, that was the one that really got to me you know, that she insulted me. He claims he had a long talk with her about it saying that no matter what it was going on btw them she had no right to insult me. But I say, how can you tell her not to insult me when you are doing the same? For me it is not about sorry because you can say sorry tire. Right now we are on probation and he knows it. Its not about creative ways to hide because I am very very good at finding stuff out, if I put my mind to it. And I never let anyone crawl over me , far from it. He just never thot I would find out because he thot he covered his tracks so well. Right now, I'm playing a wait and see game, he claims he has told me everything but I'm waiting to see. And as for the girl, she thinks she has gotten away with it, but she doesnt know who I am. If you like, move to Kafanchan, I will get you. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Nobody: 12:01pm On Feb 11, 2012 |
If I were in your shoes I wouldn't believe anything he says but I will forgive him not because I am convinced he will change that depends entirely on him, but because I have married this man and I am not in a hurry to quit. I still believe marriage is a beautiful institution that should be preserved not at any cost though but by bearable cost to the diff individuals. Its easy to tell you kick his ass, forget about him but this is reality and what is forgiveable depends on you. As to getting back at the other lady dnt waste your time and energy some women don't have much sense she will just insult you more. it will take time for things to return to normal. You need a lot of patience before you come back to trusting him if you ever will. I would be the last person to tell a woman to divorce her husby however if she feels she cnt cope anymore she can divorce him. I would give this same advise to a man whose wife has cheated on him. if there is any chance that she can work out the marriage then I will advise her to work things out. Women and men in Nigeria make it look like its the woman's sole responsibility to keep a man and when she makes him happy he stays and when he is sad he is permitted to cheat to be happy and then the woman should fight for him to win him back. It is my opinion that cheating depends on the standards a man has set for himself, how accountable he is to himself. Trusting him again will depend on the kind of man you know him to be. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Pampers: 1:29pm On Feb 11, 2012 |
Dear.For the sake of ur childrn, 4giv.There is no PERFECT MARIAGE.Be strong nd withrw d emotions u av 4him. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by queensmith: 1:42pm On Feb 11, 2012 |
Dear lawd almighty. To the 2 posters above me. I hope this is the same advice you will give to your child or loved one. I dont pray for anybody to sit in a marriage of deceit and disrespect. I don't see why any woman should endure. Such at the hands of her husband. And i dont understand why Nigerian women will continue to advocate that they suffer. |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Pampers: 5:10pm On Feb 11, 2012 |
Above me;i dnt think ure maried.coz if u r,uld kno divorce doesnt com easy.I REPEAT THERS NO PERFECT MARIAGE.ASK UR MOM |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Nobody: 5:19pm On Feb 11, 2012 |
| Re: What Do I Do? by Pampers: 5:58pm On Feb 11, 2012 |
Wat am sayin is dvorce doesnt come too easy.Best is fr her to pray hard dat he changes.Ther r alwys chalenges in mariage |
| Re: What Do I Do? by queensmith: 8:05pm On Feb 11, 2012 |
Im not married but thank God for my life im surrounded by inspiration and hope. By people in perfect marriages living perfect lives and not subjected to such toture from their husbands. Thats the same intention for my life. I will never marry someone that will do such to me but every woman her own. People shouldnt bother getting married if their expectations are to suffer. The woman is suffering and your telling her to remain married? For what? Suffer and smile there, the nigerian way of life. Such a shame |
| Re: What Do I Do? by victorian(f): 8:23pm On Feb 11, 2012 |
Suffering and Smiling has always been Nigerians way of life but not all o, but majority. Well, i will say , pray he changes, and he must go for HIV test and uses condom if he is certified ok. U need to prtoect yourself. Have seen couples that died of Aids, who brought it in , amongst the two of them . no one knows, and their four kids are in the mercy of relatives, be wise, protect your body, your mind and being. Remember, one live life ONCE. |
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