Single Parent Need Advice

It's been 10 years since the father has set eyes on his child. There has been phone contact with the father and with his relatives sporadically throughout the years. Limited financial support from the father and none whatsoever for the past 5 years. Mother preferred limited contact as mother and father had a very strained relationship, and the end result was a lot of bitterness, (probably for both parties). The last visit from a paternal relative was 7 years ago. Now, Father wants to spend time with the child who is now a teen. What would you do?

My sis, I am a single dad, and had the (unimaginable) reverse happen to me. I ended up seeking her out when the guy started pestering me for his mum.

Yep, it's going to be hard (especially where you still harbour 'feelings' for the guy), but you should allow them time together . After all he IS the dad.

I know of a lady in her mid twenties who sent a photo of the man claiming to be her dad (her mum's not saying anything o!) to me to tell her if I thought he actually is her dad . Fortunately, your's sincerely is widely known to have a little problem with his eyes, so he wiggled his way out . the lady in question is so confused right now that whenever we talk I avoid asking about her family! This is actually a true story, and I can hook you guys up- you might get an insight into what you just might be exposing your child to at the end of the day,

Thank you for your advice. My child is a bit shy and tells me that he is "sort of scared." I think my son needs his Dad. Teenage years are difficult enough as is. I have chosen to not date at all and simply raise my son. I feel I took the full responsibility of my poor choices and I have been blessed with a wonderful human being. He is a great kid! I only want what is best for him. His father is not a harsh man with children. In fact, he loves them, but why the years of famine for my son. I think his dad is interested now because my son is the only son of his father. How selfish would I be to say, no way I don't want to deprive my son of this opportunity, but is his dad being selfish too?

@Onunot

Take heart my sister you are not alone in that predicament. One thing you
should bear in mind is that that man is the only father your child has, whether he is
seeking him for selfish reasons or not. Your son has a special bond with you given
the number of years you've raised him on your own, but he will indeed bother you at
some point if you dont develop a normal (sort of) relationship between his father and him now.

My own children are free to visit their father who deserted us 4 years ago and I actually encourage
them to see and call him often so that they are not straved for his love and blame it on me. Dont worry
you'll get through this with the right decision being made. Take advantage of naijabands suggestion and
meet up with the other lady - it may help.

Thank you so much, Eezzy and you too, Naijaband. I really appreciate the wise advice you both have given to me. I guess I should let the relationship develop and let my son grow to know the type of man his Father is. I, too, have no wish to be blamed in latter years for his not having the opportunity to know his Dad. It just seems so much to me, but maybe it is God's way of lifting some of the burden one feels as a single parent. God bless you both, and Naijaband, I would not mind chatting with your friend. Perhaps it would be good for her and for me too.

You have just got to tell your child that thats their father and its very important that the child knows that.
They have to know that having a relationship with their father is essential. As a mother, thst supposed to be your duty and whether the child proceeds with that is another thing.

Just make sure that u dont get in that way. And tell the father that he is treading on thin ice and this is probably the last chance he will be getting cause the child is growing and making their own decisions.

@ Onunot

I admire your courage, it takes guts to air such a sensitive issue. I also admire your honesty.

I appreciate the pain you may have gone through over the years, it couldn't have been easy. Thank God, somehow, he has supported and strengthened you to bring up a wonderfull teenage son.

My humble opinion, is that you should allow father and son to meet up and have a relationship, although it is coming very late in the day.  Give them the necessary space and support to find peace and reconcilliation with one another. Of course, your son may also harbour some ill feeling or grudges towards his Dad, but let him discover the truth for himself and make his own decisions.

For all we know, the Dad may have realised the error of his ways and may be trying to establish contact before your son attains adulthood. Better late, than never.  

Two wrongs never make a right. I'm sure everything will work out and I will remember you in my prayers.

Good luck and God bless.

You know fathers that desert their kids are very very selfish,
come and go as they please.

I am in the same situation now, fatheri s non existent, i dont even know if she knows her father.
but i know when he finally decides to see her, i have to encourage it.

Girl and what u do now is just securing ur son for the future - cause if u decided to marry into another family, they will be some there that will insult ur son that he doesnt have a father - so swallow ur pride and do what u gotta do

I'm encouraged by your replies to know you would do what is right. It takes more guts to be selfless anyway. . . So this is wishing you a fantastic outcome and all the best in future challenges. Stay strong

it is better u introduced the child to his father, because if the child grows older and doesn't know his daddy very well it will bounce back on you.

i have seening many cases like that. do it while the child is still young

When some people say life is not fair, this is the kind of thing they refer to.
People will be ready to call you selfish now, despite all you have gone through.
But that is how it is, it may be unfair now but making the right decision and making
your son meet his Dad will at the long run yield good benefits.

No matter the magnitude of the initial excitement of meeting his father, your son, when he becomes a responsible man
will come to understand who made the sacrifices for his life to be what it is.

I thank God for helping you raise a good kid, may you live long to enjoy the fruit of your labour.

Why is it that men get women pregnant, disappear from the surface of the earth when the child needs them the most only to resurface when the kids are grown up teenagers or older trying to claim them and trying to manufacture a relationship out of thin air?

@poster,

i noticed that almost everybody who had replied to ur post has said you should let the child hook up wit the dad but from ur story, there was a lot of negative emotions and issues leading up to ur separation from the father. so the question i'd ask if i was u is, why does he want to hook up wit the child after 10 years? what has changed since the day he abandoned the child because you and him cant get along?

any duck wit a dick can produce a child but it takes a man to raise one. he has not been there for the child up to now so why does he now want to be a part of his life?

if the answers to these questions are clear and acceptable to you, please let them hook up. otherwise, just let the child know the father still exist and have a picture of him for recognition purposes and when he comes of age and is able to make his own decisions, let him decide whether he wants to meet the father or not

No matter what, he's still the father of the child

let the child meet his father.

I believe you should allow the child meet his father if the father is willing to have him, for the child's sake .Put all sentiments aside and do what is best for the child. A child needs his father and should be allowed to form his own personal judgement about him when he becomes an adult.For now, let him have a father figure in his life so as not to feel insecure when his friends and classmates are talking about their daddies!.

Busta:

No matter what, he's still the father of the child

let the child meet his father.

I agree totly wit Ya!!

The question should be "what is the father's motive for coming back after so many years"?
Its not always with good intentions you know. All the people yelling a child needs his father! A child needs his father! should realize that if a father abandons a child and doesnt contribute to his upkeep for reasons best known to him then maybe he doesnt have any virtues to impart to the child. What is he going to teach his son when his son finally gets to sit at his feet?

This brought some tears to my eyes because i lost my dad when i was 7 years old and his family took all his money and left us.My mum remarried amd my step dad (bless him) brought my mum four kids up me at 8 yrs old being the oldest and youngest at 3yrs. This year all of us except one are a graduate,my mum is happy and my step dad is happy too.
NOW MY FATHER'S FAMILY WANT TO KNOW US SINCE WE HAVE GOOD JOBS, THEY WILL PROBABLY SOON START ASKING FOR MONEY .
my mum says its a long time and its time to forgive like i did not forgive them b4 all i can say is i donot know them and i feel no affinity to them.
I cannot lie that i do hurt in not having real cousins to run around and be silly with,
buts its ok its still my driving force.
For them to see me and my sisters a big success as its the biggest revenge.
some people will want to chop my head off but do i care.


N.B my mum who says to forgive, still hurts from her dad who abadoned her since birth and when she troubled my grandma for him becos my nana had no money for her school fees, you know the take me to my dad he will pay for my college fees,she was not only used as a slave there when it was time to leave for school her father said he had only money to pay for his other kids since my grandmother was the one who left him.

Final verdict--Parents are custodian of thier children growing up values,but must never put thier kids in cotton wool.
if his father is an , he will soon find out,and eventually turn out to be the son he brought him up to be
Street smart and school wise.
I feel your son pain but life is such a beach

not only should u ensure that your son gets to know his father but make sure they build a cordial relationship
dont ever speak bad or negatively about his father to him
u will be happy u did in the longrun
make sure u also dont hold anytin against him though it hurts and its hard to forgive and forget but dont let the past rob u of a sweet future cos unforgiveness produces a bitter heart. so watch out and always make sure u are happy with him
wish u all the best and ur son will surely become a source of pride for u and u will never regret having him in ur life

[quote][/quote]
Why is it that men get women pregnant, disappear from the surface of the earth when the child needs them the most only to resurface when the kids are grown up teenagers or older trying to claim them and trying to manufacture a relationship out of thin air?



My sister ask me oooooooooooo

Stupid men

sod4luv:


I agree totly wit Ya!!

Dat says it all, ma dear let him meet his dad because its for the better.

Please let him see his dad. God will reward you for having to carry the loads of caring for your son all these years. Take care.

fesse:

Why is it that men get women pregnant, disappear from the surface of the earth when the child needs them the most only to resurface when the kids are grown up teenagers or older trying to claim them and trying to manufacture a relationship out of thin air?



My sister ask me oooooooooooo

Stupid men

Chei! See wetin immaturity dey cause. Fesse, no be u say u love Jesus, yet "men are stupid" to you heh! Na wa o! Remember say one bad apple no dey spoil the whole bunch o -- just something to think about before you begin open your mouth generalize.

Personally my sister, I go suggest you let am see hin papa because you don do your best raise your pickin. And as others have said, it might come back and haunt you later in the future if you say no. Kudos to you for raising him and I'm certain he would make you proud in the near future. Let him decide if he wants to have any relationship with the dad; though no-one knows his motives at this time so be very cautious at the same time. He might be sincere and he might not but as long as you're looking out for your son's best interest you'll be fine. Best of luck 2 u. Peace!

if you don't do it now then some other tym u will do it
so why the wait?
R.

@ poster

investigate the father first, like spolit said wat r his motives after so many years ? and then if its ok start vists with u there and then in time maybe he can take him out for some hours , later maybe for some days . and explain the situation to ur son

@Dvonne

Your post was so loaded with interesting information that I had to read it over again.
God bless your Stepfather, some fathers are not able to make something out of their
own children's lives talkless of stepchildren.

He must have been God sent. you would think that your late Dad's people would be too ashamed to approach you for money but you would be shocked, they will even ask with all the authority in this world,
afterall was their son not your father?

Maybe one day we will come to understand in our society that dropping a few drops of Spermatozoa is not the only thing that qualifies one to be a DADDY.

I really don't have much to say cause the best has been said already. Just want to comment on what Fesse said. Calling men stupid we really don't know what was going on in his mind then and what are his motives now? until these questions are answered, we would never know. Haven't you heard of reversal cases before? where a woman abounded her husband with children and ran away without a cause and resurface to love and be loved by the same people she abounded years ago without any explanation? The only difference is that, women abounding her family is very rare but it does happen.

My sister, please do take heart. I know you would not want to loose him to the father after all this years you have been suffering to bring him up. I advice you to have a heart to heart talk with the father, "WHY NOW"? and "WHY DID HE LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE"? if the answers are not satisfactory to you, i sincerely want you to give him condition if he want to be with the. Such father figure stunt would not work and if he insist on been with the boy more, demand for years he has abounded you and him and how much pain and suffering you undergo. I WANT YOU TO DRAIN EVERY PENNY FROM HIM TILL HIS LAST BLOOD

Best of luck.

my dear i must applaud you for raising this little boy up all on your own, it takes a lot of courage. You have done your part well, leave the rest to God. make sure your son gets to meet his father, that is the only way he can grow up being secure and not feel inferior. Please forget the past for the best interest of your son. Let him build a relationship with his father, please.

pls all the reply are excellent pls just take the advice they gave you pls.

people! don't you think one should be a little bit cautious before commenting or advising in this kind of case? forget about the sentiments and all o!!

there are some questions in my mind begging for answers, what is the father's current state now, is it that he is now comfortable and regretting his actions (or inaction) of the years past now wants to make things right? or is it that he is now married and finding it difficult to have a child now feels compelled to claim his child.

Are you sure the guy is not gay, a user, or a general layabout who just wants to use the child as a leverage to try and get back into your life so as to drain you? its good to let the child know his father some had said but the truth is after all things considered, will the boy be better off after the experience.
After all, like the custody courts will say, the child's interest is paramount!!!