Hello everyone. Im really really worried, i cant sleep,im just thinking. Im bore and sad. Im bored in my marriage, my husband and i ve no marital problems but the marriage is becoming too boring . We dont giist. Laugh together,we just dont do anything together. I ve really tried my best. We can be in the living room for up to 3hrs without saying anything to each other, i arranged a dinner outing ystrday but it was so boring . I tried to start conversations but it leads to nothing. I call him everyday @ work to ask how hes doing n all that. When i realised how bad we were drifting apart , i decided to do things to spice up our less than 2years marriage. I buy gifts to surprise him, i ve arranged and paid for outings, cook his favorite meals but none seems to work. We can be togther for hours without saying a word to each other. I make myself happy by listening to Gospels and play with my daughter. I always try to start a conversation with but its always end short. We dont sleep in the same room,he prefers to sleep outdoor while i prefer to sleep in the room where mosquitoes wont bite me. I have really tried to spice up this relationshp. I have no friends par se, im really bore. I do my business n play with my daughter. . I want my husband to be my friend, tell me jokes, make me laugh n all that. I ve cried to him twice about the gap between us, but he hasnt acted otherwise. He prefers to be on his own, go out on his own and do things on his own. What else can i do? Im still praying though,i feel like streaming for help, im getting affected.
Miserable lady
please mods, dont want my topic on the front page, please. thank you

@Poster

Has he always kept to himself right from the beginning of d relationship b4 it led to marriage??

No, not at all. It just got bad during the marriage. We only talk about our daughter now. I try to giist him about my super store business.he listens and ends there. I see him giisting and laughing on the phone with his friends. He loves going out in the evenings and weekends without me .

I feel your pain madam. Why not try to let him know how you are feeling. Ask him what he wants from you. You seem to be giving and he just recieving. Why not ask him to take you out today? Pretend to be sick and see his reaction. If he wasnt forced into the marriage then he will come around. Have you tried asking about his day, his work? Maybe he is having loads of problems weighing him down. Lure him to bed as much as possible as most MEN are known to open up more after a bout of good sex. We just go chattering away. Pray my dear. You deserve ur joy back. And NEVER GIVE UP.

Annie, are you Nigerian? Is your husband Nigerian?

Do you both still have s3x?

I suggest counselling/therapy

Its certainly difficult living in a house with a partner and you live like strangers. Try talking to him about the old days, when you first meet and all the silly things you did. That always helps to break the ice. What does he talk to his friends about on the phone? Perhaps you can also talk to him about the same things since the phone topics excite him a great deal.

WOmen are generally inferior to men intellectually, so naturally men arent programmed to talk to them as equals. I feel real bad for the OP, but as a quintessential man, I totally know what is going on since I dont ever see myself chatting with a woman about something hearty or interesting, besides food and s3x that is.


OP: the only solution here is to make new friends wherever you are. No matter how hard you try, trust me, your husband isnt coming around.

anny101, you seem to have married a recluse. I am reclusive with outsiders like crazy too but not with my family. Although, I am now forced to relate with people.

I think your husband will be difficult to crack. However, let me advise you thus:

We men are programmed to appreciate two things; great food and sex (even for guys who are not crazy about it).

So, do you know the kinds of food he really likes? If you don't find-out. Then, prepare them in excess, let him eat and eat. By the time he is full-to-the brim you will have in the palm of your hands. Enjoy him after that.

I know some of us men are not crazy about sex but that does not mean we don't like it- only that the conditions have to be right.

You are a woman, provide allure to your husband. This is not necessarily about wearing skimpy clothes, it is about engaging his mind. So meet him at the moments when his attention is engaged on something and subtly embed yourself in his thoughts; football, news, politics, gaming whatever. Let it be that whenever he thinks about his favourite football club or whatever, he also thinks about what you his wife says about them. Over time, he will value your inputs and companionship and there is a small limit to a man valuing his wife on anything without him wanting to make love to her. You should learn to maximise these situations.

Always sit by his right side not his left, humans have been found to be more willing to do things whispered into their right ear.

You have a lot of work to do to grab your husband's attention, but whatever you try don't be desperate.

N.B: If all of this fails, just go and sit on his laps (preferably when your daugther is not around). He is your husband, you have a right to do that. #Laughing.

papatosibe:

WOmen are generally inferior to men intellectually, so naturally men arent programmed to talk to them as equals. I feel real bad for the OP, but as a quintessential man, I totally know what is going on since I dont ever see myself chatting with a woman about something hearty or interesting, besides food and s3x that is.


OP: the only solution here is to make new friends wherever you are.  No matter how hard you try, trust me, your husband isnt coming around.

what a response, your obviously not married. please for the sake of your wife not coming here in future to complain of same thing, please dont you ever get married. @ poster the root of your problem is from the beginning of your relationship, tell us how was your relation before you both got married, were you both ready to get married or the pregnancy forced both your hands. pls reply.

Afamdman:


what a response, your obviously not married. please for the sake of your wife not coming here in future to complain of same thing, please dont you ever get married.

lol

Simple solution:
What do you eat that makes you fart e.g eggs, beans
Once you are together begin to let them out smelly and loud , he will have to say something, Its funny but it works.
He will smack you and you will pillow him, make it into fun, My drags me out when i start, but after you have farted in front of some one ki lo ku,
Is your marriage arranged?

papatosibe:

WOmen are generally inferior to men intellectually, so naturally men arent programmed to talk to them as equals. I feel real bad for the OP, but as a quintessential man, I totally know what is going on since I dont ever see myself chatting with a woman about something hearty or interesting, besides food and s3x that is.


OP: the only solution here is to make new friends wherever you are. No matter how hard you try, trust me, your husband isnt coming around.

Was your mum around to bring you up? To all mothers that think its ok to abandon your son, pls stop ooooo see what you cause.
If she was around , did she ever speak to you intelligently, ,
bed wetter!!!! common take your mattress outside, woman are inferior to men intellectually , check the stats

Your husband should be your friend, that is my belief anyway, how do the married keep friendships separate?

I don't think your husband is a recluse simply for the fact that he talks, goes out and laughs with his friends, I'm getting the feeling he doesn't like you very much or he's having an affair. I agree with jenny, you should go for councilling, if his attitude continues to bother you and refuses to change take some time away from him maybe that's what you need. You can both appreciate each other more.

I understand this woman problem,  it started from the foundation: courtship, how was it thn? did  you guys had so much to gist about?

I ask because, we women make the mistake that a man would change any particular trait we don't like in them after wedding, but it gets worst!

You've tried you best from all what i had read, for a 2years old marriage, by the time you guys reach a decade, i shudder to think, how

miserable the situation would be!

My recommendation:

1}share the same bedroom with him! Separate rooms are not that good for couples, never like it.

2}Try and make friends, but be careful not to have a blabber mouth or a leech as one, veryyyy few friends, lesssss trouble!

3}If the friend issue does not appeal to you, find your own entertainment: BROWSING, WATCHING FILMS, AND READING NOVELS, GO OUT WITH

YOUR DAUGHTER AND GIVE YOURSELF A TREAT, by the time he notices you are not bothered, he would be curious and want to get closer

4}Continue having sex with him and be wild,  enjoy it to the fullest, because it's your right babe! #gives u a playful smack on your behind#

5}Continue to cook his fav meals and yours, simply because you enjoy doing it and like good meals.

6}As long as he plays his other roles at home well, please don't let this issue cause you misery, learn to make something good out of it.

I hope this helps, i am married now for 12years, goodluck.

maclatunji:

anny101, you seem to have married a recluse. I am reclusive with outsiders like crazy too but not with my family. Although, I am now forced to relate with people.

I think your husband will be difficult to crack. However, let me advise you thus:

We men are programmed to appreciate two things; great food and sex (even for guys who are not crazy about it).

So, do you know the kinds of food he really likes? If you don't find-out. Then, prepare them in excess, let him eat and eat. By the time he is full-to-the brim you will have in the palm of your hands. Enjoy him after that.

I know some of us men are not crazy about sex but that does not mean we don't like it- only that the conditions have to be right.

You are a woman, provide allure to your husband. This is not necessarily about wearing skimpy clothes, it is about engaging his mind. So meet him at the moments when his attention is engaged on something and subtly embed yourself in his thoughts; football, news, politics, gaming whatever. Let it be that whenever he thinks about his favourite football club or whatever, he also thinks about what you his wife says about them. Over time, he will value your inputs and companionship and there is a small limit to a man valuing his wife on anything without him wanting to make love to her. You should learn to maximise these situations.

Always sit by his right side not his left, humans have been found to be more willing to do things whispered into their right ear.

You have a lot of work to do to grab your husband's attention, but whatever you try don't be desperate.

N.B: If all of this fails, just go and sit on his laps (preferably when your daugther is not around). He is your husband, you have a right to do that. #Laughing.

She did not marry a recluse. He hangs out in the evenings and weekends with friends. Recluse indeed. This topic is not about her husband ignoring her. This topic is about her suspecting that he has found interest in another woman so he does not need her for those things

Outstrip:

She did not marry a recluse. He hangs out in the evenings and weekends with friends. Recluse indeed. This topic is not about her husband ignoring her. This topic is about her suspecting that he has found interest in another woman so he does not need her for those things

Recluses do interact with other people- only on their own terms. Trust me, I know because I am one. You might be surprised at the places that her husband hangs out. Confirmed cheaters will tell you that their cheating does not prevent them from being active when they are with their wives. She needs to bring him out of his shell to interact more with her.

I tell you most people that know me in real life will swear that maclatunji can never be me. So don't be too sure of your assertion.

Why not sincerely ask your husband what went wrong?what you did that turn him off. From your post he wasn't like that when you guyz started out so it shouldn't be so now. Am saying this because I do it too as a form of silent/frustrating treatment to my offenders don't do it to my husband though and your marriage is barely 3yrs you shouldn't be having communication problems.so ask questions. Also you both got it wrong when you decided to be sleeping in separate rooms. If he likes airy room follow him there n always spray insecticide every night. All the silent touches,space fight and all bonds couples and I hope you pray together?lastly ask him to forgive all your excesses just for the sake of moving your marriage forward and you should check yourself if there is anything you do that turns him off, stop such

I hate to be the one to break it to you op, but my dear your husband is cheating on you. He doesn't want you to get to close so you don't find out. You need to give him less room to do that lest you find urself out on you a**. First and most important, pls move back into your bedroom. The intimacy of sleeping together is key to getting the romance back. Cook for him, go out with him, go to the movies, do dinner, send your daughter to grandma's and have s** all over the house. Be spontaneaus. The best part of the marriage is yet to come.

maclatunji: anny101, you seem to have married a recluse. I am reclusive with outsiders like crazy too but not with my family. Although, I am now forced to relate with people.

I think your husband will be difficult to crack. However, let me advise you thus:

We men are programmed to appreciate two things; great food and sex (even for guys who are not crazy about it).

So, do you know the kinds of food he really likes? If you don't find-out. Then, prepare them in excess, let him eat and eat. By the time he is full-to-the brim you will have in the palm of your hands. Enjoy him after that.

I know some of us men are not crazy about sex but that does not mean we don't like it- only that the conditions have to be right.

You are a woman, provide allure to your husband. This is not necessarily about wearing skimpy clothes, it is about engaging his mind. So meet him at the moments when his attention is engaged on something and subtly embed yourself in his thoughts; football, news, politics, gaming whatever. Let it be that whenever he thinks about his favourite football club or whatever, he also thinks about what you his wife says about them. Over time, he will value your inputs and companionship and there is a small limit to a man valuing his wife on anything without him wanting to make love to her. You should learn to maximise these situations.

Always sit by his right side not his left, humans have been found to be more willing to do things whispered into their right ear.

You have a lot of work to do to grab your husband's attention, but whatever you try don't be desperate.

N.B: If all of this fails, just go and sit on his laps (preferably when your daugther is not around). He is your husband, you have a right to do that. #Laughing.

This is such a failed attempt at intelligence! You obviously are not equipped with enough brain power to be called human, not to talk of commenting on a human-based forum. Even the real papatosibe (obesere) will be ashamed of this dance of shame you just performed. May you not die alone (not that I will be surprised tho). Another failed human...shrugs.

dommfa:

This is such a failed attempt at intelligence! You obviously are not equipped with enough brain power to be called human, not to talk of commenting on a human-based forum. Even the real papatosibe (obesere) will be ashamed of this dance of shame you just performed. May you not die alone (not that I will be surprised tho). Another failed human...shrugs.

this is for the dumbest of all asses- PAPATOSIBE.

While this is not intended as a personal jibe at the OP, i'd advise her and most people in her shoes to make an assessment on what may have changed in their personal attributes by making a relative comparison on who they were before and after marriage.

Many people tend to become a bit careless and lazy with their personal appearance/upkeep in a way that could easily switch off a man's interest. Besides sex and good food, I'd like a woman who could keep a clean appearance in and out of the house, keep herself in the hour glass shape--the same way i met her a couple of years ago--, strike up intelligent conversations and massage the manly ego by acting up like a spoilt child sometimes (yea, the daddy's girl kinda thing ), now add this with some good food and an applause worthy bout of s[i]e[/i]x and i promise to be yours for all times!------most women ignore all these and just sort of turn into some kind of old woman overnight. I also personally feel a level of disgust for women who feel simply because you are now leaving together, they must walk about in the house scantly dressed---please and please, don't just do this!

Chaircover- even if she learns to lap dance and works towards a body like beyonces and kills her baby in the effort, if he's lost interest he's lost interest. The point of being married (as much as I shouldnt be one to tell you) is not to continuously make efforts to renew the mans interest in you. He simply doesnt have what it takes to be a husband if he cannot love his wife and share the time she is spending with the child, kilode? is he now a kid too?

WHAT??- so you are basically saying she should behave like a single woman even though she is married? Why not leave him and accept all she has is her daughter plus a chance at being with a man that will love her? Cmon, why do women continue to reason like this? NO WOMAN can be happy constantly working overtime for a mans love- if he doesnt love her for who she is he doesnt deserve her, she doesnt need to turn circus tricks to make him.

@queensmith : I get what you are saying and I usually like your ideas. However, in that case, it doesn't seem like there is a major issue, one that can't be overcomed. I don't think leaving her husband would make things any better because this kind of feeling or issue rises in almost every marriage at one point or another.

To me, it looks like OP and her husband are just leaving the "honeymoon" period, and they're entering into a new phase of their relationship. They've been married for 2 yrs so I assume the baby is just around 1yr old. Many couples get shaked up after the first child's birth, the whole balance they had found together goes out the window and they need to learn and adjust to a new life.

Now, abt 1yr after the baby's birth is the time when most women kind of "wake up" from their "baby phase". I don't know how to put it with words, but when my baby reached abt 10 months I felt like I started to open my eyes again and realized the world was not revolving only around my baby. It is around that time that I also started to realize that I actually had a husband ( I'm kidding but the truth isn't far off).

Anyways, @op : it will take time, like most of the people told you here, this kind of issue doesn't just disappear overnight. You want your husband to be your friend and building a friendship takes months, and years. Start from where you are, sit down and think about your life, what you like, what are your priorities, how you can organize yourself. I think it is important that you have other goals and interests in life than your husband/baby. Even if your family is your 1st priority, it can do you a lot of good to hang out with your girlfriends (even if you spend the day with your kids and talking about baby stuff), to achieve new things with your business and so on. Take some time to take care of yourself physically too. When a baby is small, we are happy to have time to just take a shower, try to also take time to do your hair, cream yourself, make up and stuff like you did before. Don't put too much pressure on yourself though, I know how frustrating it can be when you only have 5 minutes before the baby cries to do something you used to do in 25 minutes

From there, try to find good times with your husband, and cherish them, as small as they are. A little smile, a little joke, both of you being amazed at how beautiful your child is, watching a movie at home together, sharing a meal. Keep it simple, he won't open up and change radically at once. Just let him know that you are in a mood for peace, and friendship, with time, he'll come around.

Another important thing, when you feel it's the right time, pls ask him if you've hurt him in any way or if there is anything that you do and that he doesn't like. During pregnancy and when the baby's just arrived, we ladies are subject to hormones changes, we face a lot of new emotions and we sometimes behave inappropriately because of that. It can be that he felt rejected after the baby got there. Pls, listen to what he has to say, ask for forgiveness and follow his advices. For example, try and move the baby to her own cot (she's big enough now) and go sleep with your husband.

Above all, keep the faith and keep praying, it is a very normal phase you guys are going through. Hope it gets better.

^Very good advice, where is that OP sef?

Miss Ife- It actually seems to me that the husband is the one with all the time? Why cant he make an effort to spend it with his wife? If your busy with the baby what is he busy doing?

Did not read the whole post but did the OP move out of the bedroom?If yes,then she and the husband better go back to their parents for marriage counselling and lectures.

I noticed the OP did not provide answers to Jenny's questions,those are important questions.

OP,during courtship,what other activities or hobbies do you guys share or do together as a couple?Can you kindly move back into the bedroom.Start conversations with him,tell him about your day even if he did not ask,use hands and maintain physical contact as you converse with him(touch his hands,hold him),ask him what is eating him up,listen with an open heart and make sure you guys come up with a solution.

Sadly but true,the bulk work of keeping the flame glowing in marriage rests on the woman's shoulder.Men can be silly and childish at times but weak as we women might be,we still have 100% control over them,its just about using the right tools.Goodluck OP.

Fstranger don kolo kpatakpata.Which ones be Papatosibe?lolz

thats bull

queensmith: Miss Ife- It actually seems to me that the husband is the one with all the time? Why cant he make an effort to spend it with his wife? If your busy with the baby what is he busy doing?

The OP's first post is actually quite short and doesn't seem to emphasize on anything wrong the husband did/does. It could be that he has lost interest in the marriage and is not willing to do anything about it and stuff, and if that's the case, she'll find soon enough. However, if they got married, not so long ago, it means they both shared love, respect and common values. Nothing good comes easy, and as she is the one noticing a change and suffering from it, she has her own responsibility in that relationship to invest some of her time/energy in making it work.

That doesn't mean the husband has nothing to do. Hopefully, seeing is woman making efforts, he'll open up and they'll be able to talk about changes both of them can make. It take times, the situation she describes can happen, and actually does happen to many couples who love and respect each other. We don't always understand our partner 100%, sometimes we let small issues grow into bigger ones, hopefully, our partner will notice and take action. Who knows, next time her husband might be the one doing the work.

queensmith, I generally really appreciate your interventions here, and i totally get where you are coming from. I also have this strong feeling of injustice when I look at most man/woman relationship. It is good to fight for woman's rights, but we have to be careful when doing that to not start fighting against all men. There are still many committed, honest, faithful, loving and so on men, and even those great guys don't always make everything right. Even a "good man" and a "good woman" can struggle in their marriage, it is not always someone's fault, though everybody makes mistakes, but human relationships are like that. I still believe it is better to first play fair and believe the other party involved is honest and willing to make things work before starting a fight to know who's wrong.

Miss_Ife:

The OP's first post is actually quite short and doesn't seem to emphasize on anything wrong the husband did/does. It could be that he has lost interest in the marriage and is not willing to do anything about it and stuff, and if that's the case, she'll find soon enough. However, if they got married, not so long ago, it means they both shared love, respect and common values. Nothing good comes easy, and as she is the one noticing a change and suffering from it, she has her own responsibility in that relationship to invest some of her time/energy in making it work.

That doesn't mean the husband has nothing to do. Hopefully, seeing is woman making efforts, he'll open up and they'll be able to talk about changes both of them can make. It take times, the situation she describes can happen, and actually does happen to many couples who love and respect each other. We don't always understand our partner 100%, sometimes we let small issues grow into bigger ones, hopefully, our partner will notice and take action. Who knows, next time her husband might be the one doing the work.

queensmith, I generally really appreciate your interventions here, and i totally get where you are coming from. I also have this strong feeling of injustice when I look at most man/woman relationship. It is good to fight for woman's rights, but we have to be careful when doing that to not start fighting against all men. There are still many committed, honest, faithful, loving and so on men, and even those great guys don't always make everything right. Even a "good man" and a "good woman" can struggle in their marriage, it is not always someone's fault, though everybody makes mistakes, but human relationships are like that. I still believe it is better to first play fair and believe the other party involved is honest and willing to make things work before starting a fight to know who's wrong.

APPLAUSE!

I dont think it's anything to do with womens rights? It could as well be two men in the relationship and my response will be the same. You cannot force a man to love you, Women shouldnt waste their time trying.

She has noticed the problem because it bothers her most, fair enough. she mentioned in the first post that she spoke to him. He still didnt change, imo it will be time to start considering the fact that her husband is no longer interested in her her and doesn't have what it takes to give her the love and attention she craves.

This won't improve by smothering him, things won't change if she prays or begs him. His feeling will be the same, this is why such marriages are in tumbles- with women slaving off for husbands that find love and companionship outside.

OP needs to open her eyes and introduce some tough love- if he's no longer willing to treat you the way you want the marriage you have enjoyed is over.
Now you can look forward to cold nights and a non communicative husband.