I think a lot of people are getting it all wrong. The issue of not calling was only a deduction by another op as no-one know d real reason why d SIL acted d way she did even d real op doesn't. And all everyone argue on now is whether he called or not. And on d issue of him not calling it is TOTALLY WRONG. Courtesy demands you let people know you'll be checking on dem regardless of your relationship with them. It doesn't matter whether he is ur bro, sis, mom, dad,friend or other relatives, whether married or unmarried, living alone or with other people. They still have to be aware u'll b visiting. Except their is no means of communication.

Now a question for d ladies.
1. Call or no call, do you think the SIL action is justified?

2. Would you do that to ur your In-laws?

3. @ Does being educated take away manners or moral values?

4. How would you respond if it happened d other way round i.e (Ur husband showing such attitude towards ur family)?

CNN80: One problem people have is that they assume that once it is family, you should be happy to host them. Not so. I love my siblings but seriously if they drop by unexpectedly to stay for a week, it will not be funny. Talk less of my husband's siblings. Apart from the youngest, I have almost nothing in common with them. I'm an introvert and my idea of relaxing in the evening is reading or watching a movie quietly. His siblings are loud and very vocal in their discussions and disagreements (which happens frequently). Being with them long term is tiring.

"Talk less of my husband's simbling" Means u value them lesser than ur own siblings whereas it should be the other way round. Reasons,and these goes to the other ladies/Women on this forum:
1. You dropped ur family name to adopt theirs (And that u'll bare more than ur family name) while they openly accept you. And which make u more of their family than ur initial one
2. You have or will have children whom you'll love more than your siblings. Unfortunately they won't go by ur sibling or ur family name but rather ur husband's. (And this does extends to ur grand n great grand children).
3. And even at the time of death, that family still own ur body n not ur siblings.

And only with time will u realise that ur true family is ur husband family and that u should learn to respect and accept them d way dey are. Cos they did accept u too d way u were. Whether beautiful or not, rich or poor, intelligent or daft n so on. So start dealing with it.

Lastly,
Brother In-Laws n Mother In-Laws #RESPECTYOURSELVES#

in summary she may just be stupid and selfish or ur brother has done same to her relatives too.

spaceship: I think a lot of people are getting it all wrong. The issue of not calling was only a deduction by another op as no-one know d real reason why d SIL acted d way she did even d real op doesn't. And all everyone argue on now is whether he called or not. And on d issue of him not calling it is TOTALLY WRONG. Courtesy demands you let people know you'll be checking on dem regardless of your relationship with them. It doesn't matter whether he is ur bro, sis, mom, dad,friend or other relatives, whether married or unmarried, living alone or with other people. They still have to be aware u'll b visiting. Except their is no means of communication.

Now a question for d ladies.
1. Call or no call, do you think the SIL action is justified?

2. Would you do that to ur your In-laws?

3. @ Does being educated take away manners or moral values?

4. How would you respond if it happened d other way round i.e (Ur husband showing such attitude towards ur family)?




"Talk less of my husband's simbling" Means u value them lesser than ur own siblings whereas it should be the other way round. Reasons,and these goes to the other ladies/Women on this forum:
1. You dropped ur family name to adopt theirs (And that u'll bare more than ur family name) while they openly accept you. And which make u more of their family than ur initial one
2. You have or will have children whom you'll love more than your siblings. Unfortunately they won't go by ur sibling or ur family name but rather ur husband's. (And this does extends to ur grand n great grand children).
3. And even at the time of death, that family still own ur body n not ur siblings.

And only with time will u realise that ur true family is ur husband family and that u should learn to respect and accept them d way dey are. Cos they did accept u too d way u were. Whether beautiful or not, rich or poor, intelligent or daft n so on. So start dealing with it.

Lastly,
Brother In-Laws n Mother In-Laws #RESPECTYOURSELVES#

To answer your questions
1)Her actions are justified if there are serious extenuating circumstances of which we know nothing about and so can't judge.

2)Thank God my in-laws know not to do such a thing

3)Being educated does not take away manners or moral values and I don't see what the connection is there except you're referring to the OP not calling.

4) It can't happen the other way round because I would have scolded any of my relatives that try that and gotten rid of them if they are stressing my husband. I can assure you that I come from a home where privacy, especially for newly married couples, is highly valued.

My husband's siblings can never, I repeat, never be of greater importance to me than my siblings. Equal, maybe, but not greater. These are the people I share blood with, have fought with, cried with, nursed from the same mother. They are the ones that if I make a seemingly obscure comment, they immediately know what I am referring to. They were there during my formative years and so their hold on the heart is stronger. In the same way, although I cherish my mother in law greatly and get along beautifully with my father in law, they are not my parents. I can't walk into their room and take something from her closet and say "I've obtained this scarf. Stop vexing." or pull his cheeks and say, "Dadsco, what's up?". That relationship took years to build. In the same way, I don't expect my husband to put my family on the same level as his. If he wants to, great. If not, as long as he gives them the respect they deserve, all is well.

The fact that I might take my husband's name (doesn't always happen), or bear him children does not negate the fact that I have siblings and parents. That is why in my place, when a woman bears a child, her husband is supposed to bring wine and inform his in-laws that they have provided him with offspring because if they hadn't had their daughter, he wouldn't have his children.

And at my time of death, who bloody cares who has my body. I'm more concerned with where I am going to. And even you should be aware that in some cultures, a woman is buried in her father's house not her husband's.

My true family is anybody that I decide should be my family, including friends. And let me say this, for those who are Christians. The Bible says," For this a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife" Not once was a woman told to leave a family (I know this will vex some people). The important thing to get in this is that the needs and desires of your spouse come before any other member of your family.

CNN80:

My husband's siblings can never, I repeat, never be of greater importance to me than my siblings. Equal, maybe, but not greater. These are the people I share blood with, have fought with, cried with, nursed from the same mother. They are the ones that if I make a seemingly obscure comment, they immediately know what I am referring to. They were there during my formative years and so their hold on the heart is stronger. In the same way, although I cherish my mother in law greatly and get along beautifully with my father in law, they are not my parents. I can't walk into their room and take something from her closet and say "I've obtained this scarf. Stop vexing." or pull his cheeks and say, "Dadsco, what's up?". That relationship took years to build. In the same way, I don't expect my husband to put my family on the same level as his. If he wants to, great. If not, as long as he gives them the respect they deserve, all is well.

Yet if the husband says this same thing about his own siblings(Your inlaws) womenfolks would come out in arms
Example below.

You want no one to separate you from your family but wouldnt mind your husband separated from his own family

gentlady: If marrying a man means u cannot seperate him from his family,what then is the need for the man to get married,why can't the man just stay with his family forever,why can't he just marry his family.Are women not also humans,should they be treated as slaves all in the name of marrying ur brother.Do u even have sister(s) at all?

anyman that gets separated from his family just cos his married is doin it at his own peril.

neyostica: anyman that gets separated from his family just cos his married is doin it at his own peril.

help me and tell them wella!!!!

~¿§

CNN80:

I've noticed that a lot of men in this forum are in the habit of blaming everything on the "thinking and attitude of our present day "modern" ladies". You guys have issues. You want a polished woman who went to school, can hold her own among her peers, can impress your colleagues with her poise and all that and then you want her to think like your grandmother who didn't leave the village until she was 40. Make up your minds. Which one do you want? If it bothers you so much, look for a remote village and marry one mgbeke there. That will solve your problem with our so called attitudes.

One would be inclined to assume that the purpose of education would be that you lot would build on the virtues and legacies of the past and indeed make better decisions. Not to excuse #Basic's behaviour still there are rules of engagement when matters are not as they seem. Somehow locking kitchens and snatching children doesn't strike me as civil. Don'tt make it sound our grandmother had no sense in their heads before oyibo education came and saved us from the perdition of ignorance and barbarism.

CNN80: My mother is above 60 and frankly speaking, if you were to drop in without informing her first, no matter who you are, she will scold you (she believes she's old enough to get away with it). The scolding gets the annoyance out of the way so that she can now host you. And if you stay longer than 3 days and you are a frequent visitor, she expects you to fend for yourself. If that is what a modern woman does, that I'm happy to follow in her footsteps.

So thhe question is why didnt she raise the issue maturely rather than play kinergarten games.

fresh_dude: One would be inclined to assume that the purpose of education would be that you lot would build on the virtues and legacies of the past and indeed make better decisions. Not to excuse #Basic's behaviour still there are rules of engagement when matters are not as they seem. Somehow locking kitchens and snatching children doesn't strike me as civil. Don'tt make it sound our grandmother had no sense in their heads before oyibo education came and saved us from the perdition of ignorance and barbarism.

So thhe question is why didnt she raise the issue maturely rather than play kinergarten games.

Abeg, my grandmother still has sense and she never went to school. However, the way she and I view issues are totally different and rightfully so. Whether you consider her decisions better than mine is moot, the fact is that we are two different people raised in different circumstances. There is nothing wrong with how today's woman thinks. And like I said before, if you don't like it, don't marry one. Expecting your mate to act like your mother or her mother is your expectation and has nothing to do with who she really is. And civility is civility. It had nothing to do with whether you're modern or not. It's tiring when one lady's misbehaviour immediately leads to outbursts of "We modern women had bad attitude". Simply call it bad behaviour and leave it at that.

And as to why the lady didn't raise the issue maturely, I don't know. She didn't post here. I am basing my answers on the info I have here and so I'm pointing out where the OP went wrong. I'm not saying the lady herself is blameless.

fresh_dude: One would be inclined to assume that the purpose of education would be that you lot would build on the virtues and legacies of the past and indeed make better decisions. Not to excuse #Basic's behaviour still there are rules of engagement when matters are not as they seem. Somehow locking kitchens and snatching children doesn't strike me as civil. Don'tt make it sound our grandmother had no sense in their heads before oyibo education came and saved us from the perdition of ignorance and barbarism.

So thhe question is why didnt she raise the issue maturely rather than play kinergarten games.

GOD bless my guy!!!
i am sincerely disappointed at the fact that she intends to act like her mum, even when it was obvious her mum didnt do well....

I cant imagine any sane lady acting like that! The humble point still remains that the SIL should discuss the matter with her husband... NOW, i see plenty reasons why all these ladies are having issues in and out of marriage!!!

you been childish, yes u are brothers or sisters. He has his family now and his wife is number one and they need their privacy... Like you said its ur brothers house not ur house... And he doesn't live alone but with his family which means you need to call before hand to keep them informed...

WhiteOne: People, Are YOU mad !!!
Not to let in your husband’s brother! He should call his brother first to register and asked for permittion to stay over for a week.
What next, if his mother would like to come, he has to ask his wife first, if this is alright?
LOL. SCHEISSE IST DASS.

I haven't read all the posts but OP, unfortunately I am almost like your sis-in-law to my bro-in-law that lives with my husband and I. We used to be cool until he started living with us, 3+ years now. And how sad that I am more often than not grumpy round the house!

- He works but has never bought a slice of bread for the house, bar of soap or anything else for that matter.
- But who is first to reach the kitchen on his return from work? Though doesn't know how the food got there and doesn't know to help bring the food shopping in from the car.
- Whose plate is always heaped, who eats more than the standard 3 times a day at the weekend? And who for f**** sake eats 11 eggs in one sitting? (I have stopped buying eggs except we need it
- Who feels he has the right to remove a built in wardrobe without asking permission and not because he wants to put in something better?
- Why would anyone buy takeaway for themselves only? When you are living with other people who when they buy, do buy for everyone?
- Not 1 Xmas has he ever bought a present for my child or even birthdays. Even the nanny buys presents for the child.
- Washes only the things he has used in the kitchen not even if the only other item is a spoon, he leaves it there. I'd rather you didn't wash anything at all.
- Takes over the washing machine the whole weekend and has never bought washing powder before. If we run out, he stacks his clothes until Mrs foolish goes to the shops.

Some other relatives of theirs stayed with us at some point too and exactly same attitude. Telling me the bread is almost finished or refusing to let the nanny use her daughter's baby wipes for my child because my child's own is upstairs or downstairs etc. I had to place many wipes round the house to let her know I could afford load of wipes.

I know I should raise the issues I have but I have tried several times with my husband and we always end up having a long drawn out week of not talking to each other. His brother can do no wrong in his eyes. I have tried to ignore these things but I can't. If you are anything like him, I don't blame your SIL. Best thing is everyone maintain for them own place. I need grace for prayer and fasting to open their whole family's eyes that it is time to get his own place.

Probably ranted a lot but it's just wrong.

So you have been walking around for three years angry. Anyway to each their own

What nonsense, you come to my place without informing me? The way you walked in is the same way you will walk out

Ornella: I haven't read all the posts but OP, unfortunately I am almost like your sis-in-law to my bro-in-law that lives with my husband and I. We used to be cool until he started living with us, 3+ years now. And how sad that I am more often than not grumpy round the house!

- He works but has never bought a slice of bread for the house, bar of soap or anything else for that matter.
- But who is first to reach the kitchen on his return from work? Though doesn't know how the food got there and doesn't know to help bring the food shopping in from the car.
- Whose plate is always heaped, who eats more than the standard 3 times a day at the weekend? And who for f**** sake eats 11 eggs in one sitting? (I have stopped buying eggs except we need it
- Who feels he has the right to remove a built in wardrobe without asking permission and not because he wants to put in something better?
- Why would anyone buy takeaway for themselves only? When you are living with other people who when they buy, do buy for everyone?
- Not 1 Xmas has he ever bought a present for my child or even birthdays. Even the nanny buys presents for the child.
- Washes only the things he has used in the kitchen not even if the only other item is a spoon, he leaves it there. I'd rather you didn't wash anything at all.
- Takes over the washing machine the whole weekend and has never bought washing powder before. If we run out, he stacks his clothes until Mrs foolish goes to the shops.

Some other relatives of theirs stayed with us at some point too and exactly same attitude. Telling me the bread is almost finished or refusing to let the nanny use her daughter's baby wipes for my child because my child's own is upstairs or downstairs etc. I had to place many wipes round the house to let her know I could afford load of wipes.

I know I should raise the issues I have but I have tried several times with my husband and we always end up having a long drawn out week of not talking to each other. His brother can do no wrong in his eyes. I have tried to ignore these things but I can't. If you are anything like him, I don't blame your SIL. Best thing is everyone maintain for them own place. I need grace for prayer and fasting to open their whole family's eyes that it is time to get his own place.

Probably ranted a lot but it's just wrong.

Seriously?!!! **shivers**

You mean you've been dealing with all this for 3+ years? OMG!!! Ma'm I must give you a lot of credit because am sure it must take a lot of strength to deal with this shooiitt! I mean, come on!!!

Na wah for some of these family people sha! Always wanting to 'parasite' in their brother's home & living like it's their God forsaken right! WTH!!! How can a grown assed man who is working still be perching in his bros house? And he's contributing zilch to the house? Can't even buy basics like soap, bread, washing powder? Now eats like his intestines have been taking out...? 11 eggs? Lol! **does the sign of the cross**

These are things that push women to lock the cabinets & store when family peeps just can't stop eating so greedily & finishing all the food in the house....and contributing nothing!!! The cost of food shopping for the house will now double just because of one person with gluttonous tendencies...Damn! Upon all that, no form of appreciation to acknowledge all your efforts? O ga oh!

Women, it is well with us! Honestly, at times I wonder how much patience & tolerance one needs to have to deal with in-laws.... Because even when you think you've had it, they strech it again beyond even further. Na wah!!!

The only reason I can get upset if my bro or sis visits me unexpectedly is
1: if i don't have enough cash @ hand
2: will be kind of worried, like what if you don't meet me @ home?
You will have to call me to start rushing back home risking my life!!!!!

And I will tell that on the spot.
No big deal!!!

There is a common mistake many people are making here. When your brother or sister was living alone, it was your brother/sister's house. Once married, the pronoun used in describing that house and many of the possession changes. It becomes my brother AND his wife's house or my sister AND her husband's house. It is THEIR house and no longer your brother/sister's. It does not matter who the bread winner in that house is. It is a seemingly small change but once truly internalized, a lot of the common mistakes people are prone to make will be reduced. Having said that, I have always found it curious that the bible says...so shall a MAN leave his dad and mum... but was very silent for the woman. It could be that the emphasis was to caution the tendency of the male's family to have this very high sense of entitlement to the man even when he is married. Think about it. It is really the woman that physically leaves her father's house, drops her father's name and assumes that of the man's. It would have made more sense for God to say ...so shall a woman leave her father and mother... Instead, the man was specifically addressed. It means that once one is married, your spouse automatically becomes your nuclear/primary/first family, while your father's home automatically becomes your extended family. It is always good to put things in their right perspective. A wise woman knows that it is one of her critical duties to ensure that the warm relationship between her husband and his father's family WITHIN REASON is sustained. If her hubby has to choose between her and his immediate EXTENDED family, he would not be the same guy she fell for. A wise man knows that it is his critical duty to let his father's family know that his spouse comes first. Infact, both spouses sets the boundary for their respective extended families. But it is the woman who ensures his father's home is not neglected. Again I will stress WITHIN REASON. They should never come before her and her kids. Same goes for her father's home. My sister called me last week monday to tell me she will be coming to the house on thursday for a job interview. I informed my husband. It was not her taking permission, its courtesy. My youngest BIL told me last week that he will be staying in the house for a week to prepare for his forth coming exams as the environment is more conducive for him to read. I also informed hubby about it. Yes we stay in the same city, but that is courtesy. When my MIL was to visit us last year, we were told 2 weeks ahead. I had ample time to prepare. The day my own mother will come, I will be told ahead too. Little things that sustain relationships.
For the guys who are like ...my wife had better be careful with my father's family or else..., well all I can say is to let the woman know before hand the kind of person you are so as to avoid issues. For the babes that will hide their positions on things like this cos they wanna hook a guy, well just be ready to dance to any tune you are played afterwards. If you can stand being the 2nd in your hubby's life, then you no get wahala. Thank God my in-laws are cool. It makes things easy. But assuming they were the troublesome type, hubby (esp) and I will have to set the tune we want played in our home, if u no like am, waka. I will tolerate even less from my own father's family cos with the kind of training we had, I expect more from them.
@OP, I will not know why your SIL acted the way she did, but you should act more matured than her by doing your part to maintain a cordial relationship with her. Accord her the same respect you want in your own home. Avoid too much contact if she persists in being that way.

Thanks nikkygal and well said Rhapsody. Funny my husband used to put them first but when I learnt to stop being an independent woman, he woke up to his responsibilities. But then he was always responsible before, I just never knew how to depend on someone for anything. I used to ensure all bills; nursery fees etc. were paid on time and left him to the mortgage. However, when I realised that he had taken on responsibility for all the members of his family even to their pastors and imams, I thought hmm …. So I left everything to him.

Don’t get me wrong, if they truly need the help and would do the same for us, I would understand. But not when every month, a distant cousin’s pastor’s rent is due, someone else owes someone N50k every 2 weeks and they would kill them if they don’t pay it etc. Needless to say he is still alive though my husband hasn’t done the usual transfer to him for about 5 years now. I won’t be judged for making a Nigerian man irresponsible . If it were in Nig, or at least in the home I was raised, dad ensures everything is paid and family is as comfortable as can be.

I finally raised this issue last week with my SIL -by marriage to another of my husband’s brothers- because I wanted to ask my brother’s husband to speak with him as he seemed quite reasonable. I have never discussed anything about my marriage with anyone before as we both decided from the beginning we wouldn’t be doing this. If there are issues we can’t resolve ourselves then it means we have some serious issues. Well, ok, maybe I tell my sister some things for gist purposes but this seems to be a serious one as we never seem able to discuss it.

This is the only issue on which my husband has failed me; mention wee on toilet seats and my husband stiffness up because he knows I’m referring to his brother. Even he knows because one day he jokingly said maybe we should put a sign up, saying “always wipe the toilet seat after you” to which I said, “in whose house do you want to put this sign”. Why he couldn’t tell his brother I don’t know. My son places his hands on this toilet seat when he needs to use the loo, so it bothers me that a 28 year old adult male cannot aim properly when weeing.

I digress … apparently their sister who lived with my SIL and her husband for about 2 years was exactly the same way too. And her boyfriend also lived with them too for about a year of the two. Both rent free and never thought to make any contributions to upkeep and her kids don’t owe her a dime either. Of course, this girl could do no wrong in her brother’s eyes either so she kind of lived with it.

This BIL living with us was living with this same sister of theirs in London before she moved to Nigeria. And she and her husband were always complaining about him; how he never tried to be a proper part of her household (pot calling kettle black with hindsight). But they still thought it was ok for him to live with me. According to my SIL she started praying and fasting him away once she heard he will be requiring accommodation. LOL. No one even told me he was coming to live with us, he just showed up! Not that I would have done anything about it as I would never have thought it was an unreasonable person coming into my home.

I never thought I could ever be in this position as I always felt I would speak my mind freely but here I am. When my sister stays with us for holidays, even my husband knows the difference because my darling sister doesn’t eat supermarket brand food and she eats some things that if I started buying on a regular basis, we would need to remortgage our home. When she buys anything for the kids or takeaway for the whole house I make a point of telling my husband but he just doesn’t get it. Oh, and before anything happens in the house, they have all heard because my BIL has kindly spread the news. And he had the audacity to tell my husband our son was too noisy in the mornings. I was there and till today, I wonder why I did not just say- maybe if you had your own place you won’t be subject to his noise.

Anyway, I have set myself a target of him leaving next year. My SIL is going to help me by mentioning it once in a while in conversations to her husband and he hopefully in turn to his brother my dear husband. My advice to anyone is, it’s best not to live with relatives, offer to pay their rent for a while instead if you can. The once in a while visits is not the same as living with each other day in day out.

And it’s a very quiet day at work today ….

I honestly don't know how women get into this kind of situation. 3 years in our house? Yawa go gas, whether it is my brother or his brother. I will simply tell my husband that this is not a case for argument, it is simple logic. I can't live with your brother, I didn't marry him. So please, if you are so concerned for him, let us help him find a place to live.
If my husband likes, let him shout, let him freeze up each time the topic comes up. Me, I don't shout. I will simply tell you each day that I am unhappy. If you continue to put your brother over my happiness, then the issue will get to other members of the family. I can't be uncomfortable in my own home.
And for all those men that are immediately going to say, all these modern women have issues, note that I said that even my own brother will not be welcome to come stay with me for years. I mean, if a family member got a job in the town I lived in, hosting him or her for a couple of months to get their bearing is of course expected. But you would know that you are expected to move out as soon as possible. It's not like my husband and I are an old married couple with children with Uni and secondary school so that the addition of one more person is no big deal. Two years of marriage, love still dey shack me and you want to come and spoil runs. Lia lia.

I know that feeling.i have a sister in law who acted exactly d same way.We used to be so close b4 she married my uncle.Infact pple thot we were related.I practically fought off all d other ladies my uncle was dating becos of her.Then they got married and everything changed....It was like magic!lol.I go to their house and she's behaving funny and hiding food stuff as if i came begging 4 food...but i no gree for am o! i showed her pepper cos i felt betrayed and used.So all she was doing b4 she got mariied was all pretence in an attempt to marry my uncle.I really hated that.Well sha,that was a long time ago and we've not communicated since then...

Typical. We are always ready, willing and able to think the worse of others. Doesn't Phillipians tell you to think of others over yourself? Basically make an excuse on the person's behalf. I am sure that Islam and any other religion worth it's adherents will say something similar. Don't think ill of others until you have conclusive proof. For the first few years of their marriage, you guys were still close. Now based on one visit, you conclude she was pretending all this while. I hear!!!

As to "family" having to call ahead of visit, for crying out loud, that's just common sense. Would the poster have complained if she got to her brother's house and they were vacationing in Hawaii? Or worse the house burnt to the ground the day before? It matters not your relationship to the "visitee". As a visitor, give advance warning.

However, its only fair to say that the SIL handled it wrongly. If she had issues with her husband, she should tke it out on the husband. If there were finncial challanges, she should have advised the husband to look for an excuse to cut the visit shut ALL IN THE PRIVACY OF HUSBAND ND WIFE PILLOW TALK. if she hated her SIL, there are better ways to rid herself of meddlesome in-laws than grumbling like a housefly!

Pls let us stop all this talk bout Africa or Nigeria culture,in the olden days people don't call to say they are coming cos there was no means of communication,bu now it's just a phone call away.
I remember wen I was still in the uni,i don't go home from school without informing my parents,and they have there own reasons,from preparing on what to give me wen am going back to knowing my movements,now that is my parents,talk more of a bro that has pitch tent with his wife.
What I don't support is the taking away of the little nephew and hiding food,its just a week for goodness sakes.

And also because u and good or accommodate ur inlaws does not guarantee they will love a support u. And because u and mean to your inlaws doe not make them stop coming,so be at ur best with everybody.