Hello the good people of Nairaland. please I'm back again. if you people can remember me on this tread https://www.nairaland.com/883596/need-advise. I'm just tired of everything now and I'm scared of what the future holds for me. my husband is a kind of man with a very kind heart and with all the stories of abuse here and there I'm scared to leave. we have a lot of issues now that I can't just stop thinking that there is no future in my marriage with him. Apart from the fact that he has low sperm count which is preventing me from having my own child, it is always difficult for him now to get and hold an erection. I'm the type of person that like been cuddled but he can't just do that. we quarrel more often than not now because I'm always hurt and I cry all the time. I'm scared to leave him because I'm so used to staying with him and I feel I might be lonely if I do. I'm just confused on what to do but I don't want to make any mistake that I will regret again. please I need your advise before I loose my mind and please this is for mature mind only. thanks

okz8: Hello the good people of Nairaland. please I'm back again. if you people can remember me on this tread https://www.nairaland.com/883596/need-advise. I'm just tired of everything now and I'm scared of what the future holds for me. my husband is a kind of man with a very kind heart and with all the stories of abuse here and there I'm scared to leave. we have a lot of issues now that I can't just stop thinking that there is no future in my marriage with him. Apart from the fact that he has low sperm count which is preventing me from having my own child, it is always difficult for him now to get and hold an erection. I'm the type of person that like been cuddled but he can't just do that. we quarrel more often than not now because I'm always hurt and I cry all the time. I'm scared to leave him because I'm so used to staying with him and I feel I might be lonely if I do. I'm just confused on what to do but I don't want to make any mistake that I will regret again. please I need your advise before I loose my mind and please this is for mature mind only. thanks

Eeeyah, what a pity. It is sad that lack of attention from your husband makes you cry and sad most of the time. You have to start thinking with your head. I ask you this question: are you willing to remain sad for a long time? Can you handle it? If you can, stick with your husband and try to make things work with him. If you cannot deal with your situation, quietly get a divorce without acrimony, take time to make yourself independent and be wise about men in the future. Look out for sincerity with little things in men, it will give you an idea of how we handle big issues.

It is your life and it is your decision. Pray hard too before taking any major decision. If you want raw truth: Move on is what I would tell my sister!

^^Now you are talking. My Mac is back

chaircover: How old is your husband?

Thank you for having the time to reply me. He is 46yrs . @ maclatunji I'm just trying to be careful so that I won't make a costly mistake and all these things are hidden to my family and I don't know how they will take it most especially my mum. I'm so unhappy right now.

Wait, you are 28 and he is 46? what the heck were you even thinking carrying this much baggage goodness gracious. What are you scared of? scared of your people saying "I told you so"?

jennykadry: ^^Now you are talking. My Mac is back

I did not go anywhere before. Seriously, you ladies need to talk to that babe (maybe behind the scenes). You don't place your needs ahead of your man to his face like that. It has the real potential to backfire big time. #Nuffsaid on that.

OP, it must be tough but I don't pray for anybody to live in misery. Explain to your kind husband and move on discreetly. There maybe a danger that he will not want to let go without a fight. You need a lot of wisdom and patience to sort out the issues at stake.

jennykadry: Wait, you are 28 and he is 46? what the heck were you even thinking carrying this much baggage goodness gracious. What are you scared of? scared of your people saying "I told you so"?

Yes that's part of the reason but that's not the main reason though I'm used to hearing that now. I just feel I might regret my action if I leave and I might be lonely. I'm just scared that I don't even know what to do now.

chaircover:

The fear of loneliness shouldn't stop you from making the right decision for you.

That's just the reason for this my post because right now I don't know the right decision to make.

@ Poster, what advice do you think people can give you?

Because you are scared of loneliness, you do not want to make a decision you will regret and you don't want to be sexually starved.

We have people that married older men and are having fun in their marraiges. just weigh what you will gain and loose, if you take any decision, and that should help you. But know that everything has it's own consequences whether good or bad, and don't be afraid to launch or take a step because of the fear of the unknown.

Op,is marriage not 4 better and 4 worse why not talk thins ova wit ur hubby if u really luv him and look 4 a solution..?why do u want to lv him nw

@okz8 if i got you right you want to walk out on him because he has a low sperm count right? Well there you have it all family section posters seemed to have endorsed your decision but listen carefully. Even If he was 30 year's older than you , that is not enough reason to divorce a man o because people who marry their agemate's too have their own challenge's so it's no big deal since you claim to love him . Though marriage vow's these day's are no worth more than a used tissue but think twice o. Look at that door of your room, that front seat in his car, that kitchen even your large bed that is your position do not give it to another person because of inability to stay with your husband through this sickness believe me it's just a matter of time thing's will get better and you may one day wish you never let go. Whatever happened to in life and in death well, I suggest you move closer to a matured lady in your church not all this lousy girl's you have around this day's. I mean a real matured woman and pour your heart out to her you might be surprised that someone you had long coveted her happiness would let out a smile telling you that you still have it better than her. Moral, the grass is not alway's greener on the other side. There is a certain renowned divorcee here on NL believe me she can hardly type two sentence's without refferring to her past marriage. . . . It's called adjustive mechanism she is still suffering from that trauma year's on. So please this man is not beating you and yes he has a problem with is not his own handiwork so I guess what you owe him is to support him and make him feel he still got you even if the whole world were to turn their back on him. That is what wive's do.They support the man at his most trying period so that when all thing's come out fine he can confidently look at you and say yeah the day I married you it was favour undeserved I obtained from the lord. Btw do you mean you can't endure a few year's of marital challenge's? SMH at the kind of women available for us to pick from as young men. What happen's if you marry another man and you still can't conceive you divorce him and marry husband no3 right? Stop wasting time on nairaland go and make your home what it was meant to be read the worsd of God with your husband kneel by the bed and pray together. Ask him to bless you and prophesy a set of Twins into your marriage every morning . Dance together , sing together even bathe together. Let him dress you for work in the morning and vice versa. Stop thinking about your problem because the more you think about it the bigger it get's. Try this for just a month and tell me if his attention will not be as hard as a rock and also during the evening's alway's lay your head on his lap while watching TV instead of sitting far off. Do not ruin this marriage live through your challenge with a smile because that's how your testimony will come. Except for that delusional divorcee I talked about , I am yet to read about any other person that is divorced and really glad they did here on NL but, I might be wrong. P:S pardon my editting I am on a mobile.

OP go get pregnant from another man. . . it worked well for this This Poster

According to some of the posters on that thread, it is okay to have a baby with someone who isn't you spouse, especially if you have waited for a long time. Oh don't worry if you husband comes here to complain, he will be told it is his fault for neglecting his husbandly duties. We will even tell him he is lucky you are not bringing the new baby daddy home to live with you people. Of course we won't forget the obligatory prayer and fasting to solve your problem replies.

Best of Luck!!

@sisi I want to believe that was a botched attempt at sarcasm otherwise, *rush's out and fall's on his knees screaming * God why why why ? Why have you decided to punish this generation with women who can conjure up this much evil in their brain's? So Op they want you to take home a bast*rd (sorry for sounding so rude) and the choice is still your's. P:S This is the kind of advice you get when you decide to table your problemls on a faceless forum and by now I hope you know pyschiatric hospital's too now have an ICT center and with full internet access too.

chaircover: A 46 year old shouldn't have problems having and holding an erecttion.

What you need is a full medical workout. Your descision on whether to stay or leave is based on his inability to make love and get you pregnant. I note that you are happy with the other aspects of your relationship and understadably wary of just walking out just like that.Therefore you need to make an informed decision. You need all the facts and all the options available to you regarding this issue before making any decisions.

Sit him down and tell him exactly what you have told us here. Tell him that you love him but you cant give him your best if you are so unfulfilled. Tell him that you intend to stand by him, but only if he makes the effort to do something about the situation. Tell him that he has to trust you and co-operate with you. From the little I know about men, their sexuall prowess is what makes them beat their chests and say I am a man, so it must be very difficult or your husband but he cant continue to bury his head in the sand and you both have to be proactive in getting him the help that he needs/fertility treatment etc

very gud advice ma.

Just in case the thread is too long for you to go through, here are sample pearls of wisdom to show you how understanding people are

Chucksme

Alarm4

people are getting beaten and raped in their marriages and someone wants to walk out cos of low sperm count that i'm sure IVF can six, honestly eh some people don't even know what marriage and divorce are all about - do u honestly think its that easy to just walk away.

na wah o

i'm not telling u what to do but honestly i have not read anything on this page to warrant a divorce.

Sisi_Kill: OP go get pregnant from another man. . . it worked well for this This Poster

According to some of the posters on that thread, it is okay to have a baby with someone who isn't you spouse, especially if you have waited for a long time. Oh don't worry if you husband comes here to complain, he will be told it is his fault for neglecting his husbandly duties. We will even tell him he is lucky you are not bringing the new baby daddy home to live with you people. Of course we won't forget the obligatory prayer and fasting to solve your problem replies.

Best of Luck!!

OMG dis is crazy n ad better be a joke pls.

Guitarlife: @sisi I want to believe that was a botched attempt at sarcasm otherwise, *rush's out and fall's on his knees screaming * God why why why ? Why have you decided to punish this generation with women who can conjure up this much evil in their brain's? So Op they want you to take home a bast*rd (sorry for sounding so rude) and the choice is still your's. P:S This is the kind of advice you get when you decide to table your problemls on a faceless forum and by now I hope you know pyschiatric hospital's too now have an ICT center and with full internet access too.

Dude I was actually gonna tell you to go peddle your advice to the poster on the thread I posted. Please go lambaste the OP's husband on that thread for not sticking to his wife despite her problems, for not supporting his wife during the trying period, for not seeking an older man in church to confide to, please go and tell them on that thread that not having children with your wife is no reason to seek solace outside, after all it all about love.

We are waiting for you oh!!

@sisis this is not how to go about thing's. Have you not heard? An eye for an eye and the world would go blind. This is a woman who is going through a very challenging situation albeit not the worst to warrant such drastic measure's. She is just pissed about her husband's lack of e.rectio.n and low count. The man prolly adore's her , love's her. I'm sure if the man was abusive it will be the first sentence up there. It's unfortunate some men are devil's and believe me devil's they are but how can we continue to accord so much recognition by insinuating that they represent the only prototype available for our men. That's not being fair not only to the men but also to their spouse because their spouse's also suffer from the torment of dealing with their loving husband's as brute's. Some of us still put you women first on our agenda and see you as trully a rib that you are. I am so sorry for my vituperation.Please accept my apology.

Sisi_Kill:

Dude I was actually gonna tell you to go peddle your advice to the poster on the thread I posted. Please go lambaste the OP's husband on that thread for not sticking to his wife despite her problems, for not supporting his wife during the trying period, for not seeking an older man in church to confide to, please go and tell them on that thread that not having children with your wife is no reason to seek solace outside, after all it all about love.

We are waiting for you oh!!

I have a feeling that if the poster were to get pregnant now she would not leave the marriage. The man is being selfish but the poster needs to make sure she is choosing to leave for the right reasons.

Guitarlife: @sisis this is not how to go about thing's. Have you not heard? An eye for an eye and the world would go blind. This is a woman who is going through a very challenging situation albeit not the worst to warrant such drastic measure's. She is just pissed about her husband's lack of e.rectio.n and low count. The man prolly adore's her , love's her. I'm sure if the man was abusive it will be the first sentence up there. It's unfortunate some men are devil's and believe me devil's they are but how can we continue to accord so much recognition by insinuating that they represent the only prototype available for our men. That's not being fair not only to the men but also to their spouse because their spouse's also suffer from the torment of dealing with their loving husband's as brute's. Some of us still put you women first on our agenda and see you as trully a rib that you are. I am so sorry for my vituperation.Please accept my apology.

Awww!! You needn't apologize . . .we are cool.

I totally feel where you are coming from. . .honestly. It is just that sometimes I get so pissed at the obvious double standard that gets meted on women (I know, I know. . .there isn't much we can do about it but it doesn't hurt to try to bring it to light.) Of course no sane person would want someone else's marriage to break up . . .what would anyone gain from that when it is not like you get paid for each marriage that is destroyed.

All most of the women on this section are asking for is for people and by people I mean men to take their chauvinistic blinders and see the OPs whether male or female as HUMAN BEINGS because I gotta tell ya, some of the advice they give women here is not fit for a dog.

@OP
as much as you try, you cant have your cake and eat it too.

okz8: Hello the good people of Nairaland. please I'm back again. if you people can remember me on this tread https://www.nairaland.com/883596/need-advise. I'm just tired of everything now and I'm scared of what the future holds for me. my husband is a kind of man with a very kind heart and with all the stories of abuse here and there I'm scared to leave. we have a lot of issues now that I can't just stop thinking that there is no future in my marriage with him. Apart from the fact that he has low sperm count which is preventing me from having my own child, it is always difficult for him now to get and hold an erection. I'm the type of person that like been cuddled but he can't just do that. we quarrel more often than not now because I'm always hurt and I cry all the time. I'm scared to leave him because I'm so used to staying with him and I feel I might be lonely if I do. I'm just confused on what to do but I don't want to make any mistake that I will regret again. please I need your advise before I loose my mind and please this is for mature mind only. thanks

This your problem needs a Professional counselor not NL.

This is not the first time that OP is complaining about her husband. I am convinced that if she does not let her husband know that she is fed-up and ready to leave the marriage, nothing will change.

If her husband truly loves and wants to keep her, he will make amends. If he doesn't, then he is not worth dying for.

chaircover: A 46 year old shouldn't have problems having and holding an erecttion.

You will be shocked to find out the number of guys in their 20s that live on Viagra and other related drugs to keep it up. I have a doctor friend so I know. Things are changing, mostly caused by people's diet and lifestyle.

chaircover:

The fear of loneliness shouldn't stop you from making the right decision for you.

When many Nigerians use the word loneliness, it means more than being alone, many times it means absence of financial support. Yeah it can be very lonely when you don't have financial support.


@OP

Honestly, its your choice, nothing said here will change your husband's problem, so you need to sit down and weigh all the options. Do you want to live with your vows of "for better for worse, in health or in sickness" or you want to count your loss and move out? Only you can decide. But you can start from the angle of being open to your husband as advised by Chaircover and make an informed decision. Good luck!

^^^aaargghhh so by your assertion the fact that the OP has been long complaining about her husband automatically prove's him guilty in your court of law abi?
How sure are you that the OP is not just sulking?
How could you have missed the part where she only complained about his s.exual capability (which you obviously know as a man that is no fault of his).
How unpalatable will thing's get if this coming generation is raised with the notion that marriage is a charade and the vow's are not worth nothing because if you took your time read the marriage vow's over again you wouldn't have missed this part. . . . . .'in sickness and in health' now the man is sick(yea s.exually). She has to stand by him.
And all this your 'he's worth dying for statement's'. . . . Really, they sound like the product's of another NL indoctrination cos this doesn't sound like Mac. *run's inside get's a bucket of water and pour's in on Mac, shacking him visibly* damn man it's daybreak quit sleeping.
And here's a poser for the poster and you too. What if the poster was the one who had grown terrible slab's of flesh on her body after marriage, and weighing 180kg which has now made her husband find her 's.exually unattractive'. Would you still advice her husband to divorce her and move on or maybe she was the one having challenge's with her ovaries or dealing with a fibroid(and how sure are we that she's not?) would it be appropriate in this situation to give the man a license to abandon her for a much younger lady since her condition is totally out of her control.
I see you going . . . .but this is the time she need's him most to support her.
Do you know how many men out there that struggle with infertility and all sort's and their wive's stay it out? Maybe you should make an attempt and visit a gyny. My point is that his problem is purely medical and not something he has a power over so OP should use this opportunity to know the meaning of love and marriage since it's obviuos she doesn't.
I know women these day's are trying to be seen world over but seem's like the OP is her own nemesis. It is obviuos that She is busy comparing her marriage with another's. Listen OP life does work that way o. You've got to face challenge's sometime's and it seemls you are used to running away. Another name for such a character is a quitter or rather a failure and I may not blame you much though, with the quality of advice one is reading on here this day's you are won't to reason like that.

Now this is for MACLATUNJI not oamj4

Guitarlife: ^^^aaargghhh so by your assertion the fact that the OP has been long complaining about her husband automatically prove's him guilty in your court of law abi?
How sure are you that the OP is not just sulking?
How could you have missed the part where she only complained about his s.exual capability (which you obviously know as a man that is no fault of his).
How unpalatable will thing's get if this coming generation is raised with the notion that marriage is a charade and the vow's are not worth nothing because if you took your time read the marriage vow's over again you wouldn't have missed this part. . . . . .'in sickness and in health' now the man is sick(yea s.exually). She has to stand by him.
And all this your 'he's worth dying for statement's'. . . . Really, they sound like the product's of another NL indoctrination cos this doesn't sound like Mac. *run's inside get's a bucket of water and pour's in on Mac, shacking him visibly* damn man it's daybreak quit sleeping.
And here's a poser for the poster and you too. What if the poster was the one who had grown terrible slab's of flesh on her body after marriage, and weighing 180kg which has now made her husband find her 's.exually unattractive'. Would you still advice her husband to divorce her and move on or maybe she was the one having challenge's with her ovaries or dealing with a fibroid(and how sure are we that she's not?) would it be appropriate in this situation to give the man a license to abandon her for a much younger lady since her condition is totally out of her control.
I see you going . . . .but this is the time she need's him most to support her.
Do you know how many men out there that struggle with infertility and all sort's and their wive's stay it out? Maybe you should make an attempt and visit a gyny. My point is that his problem is purely medical and not something he has a power over so OP should use this opportunity to know the meaning of love and marriage since it's obviuos she doesn't.
I know women these day's are trying to be seen world over but seem's like the OP is her own nemesis. It is obviuos that She is busy comparing her marriage with another's. Listen OP life does work that way o. You've got to face challenge's sometime's and it seemls you are used to running away. Another name for such a character is a quitter or rather a failure and I may not blame you much though, with the quality of advice one is reading on here this day's you are won't to reason like that.

OAM4J:

You will be shocked to find out the number of guys in their 20s that live on Viagra and other related drugs to keep it up. I have a doctor friend so I know. Things are changing, mostly caused by people's diet and lifestyle.

well said!!!! when most young guys are quick to take drug to get a bigger dong or to last for days on end, no wonder some in their mid 40s cant get it up.

@ OP you are still young and very marketable, you can meet someone else, this man is old and uncooperative not to mention unproductive in every sense of teh word. Anyhow staying with this man you better prepare yourself for a childless marriage as he does not want to go for the only solution that may produce a child, being IVF. Look deep within yourself and see if you want to continue with this man.