I have recently been taking interest in the plight of widows. I had just finished watching a documentary on the subject and it make me cry.

We all want enduring love and fruitful homes. But then, come a time in our life when the man we love so dearly had to "go home". It is a natural expectation but we all wishes it come at old age. Meanwhile dead keep no appointment. It strikes when one least expect it. To those presently in rosy relationship, our enjoyment do not often allow us to meditate on inevitable occurrences. We can't die together except in case disaster. Somebody has to go first! Love can't solve this.

Unfortunately, we lives in a strange society where compassion is reserved for the rich and mighty.

For the unmarried youths and newly wed, it is time to examine this issues:
what next, if your partner dies before you? What action are you taking to insure yourself this social malady? What should we do individually and collectively to confine this ugly practice into history?

Let share, men and women.

Men need to take steps to protect their families. Unfortunately in Nigeria we never want to accept our mortality. A simple will should do. Most Men make their Brothers their next of kin when you have a wife and kids, Noboby prays for death soon but it happens , protect your family and loved ones. I was helping My office Driver fill some share forms and he asked me to write his brother as his next of kin, i gave him a talk on the need to make his wife or son his next of kin, after explaining it properly to him, he has gone to withdraw and re- fill some forms and documents where he had earlier on written his brother as next of kin.
Your Brother or relatives have their own families, train your wife well to accept the responsibilty of leadership when you are gone, it is extremely important.
Women to should be smart, they should have some indepence, even if iy a small bussiness, am not comfortable with the dutifull housewife idealogy. As a woman you should know your husbands business and assets, you should also know your In-Laws, if you have In- laws who will come and try to sieze everything then you should be smart when eventualities happen, dont play the over grieving widow, dont let them bully you into submission, there are organisations that take cases of Widows, e.g. Legal Aid at little or no cost but if your in laws spend everthing on the burial there is little they can do.
It is really a big problem but with a little less carelessnes from our men and a little more smartness from women, this unGodly practice can bne reduced.

And what a better time to do that than now? Education is the best way out and we have got to start from here. Many career women are reluctant to marry a poor man for fear that if he dies before her, some greedy family members and an illegitimate wife would spring from God know where to snatch the fruit of her labour from her.

Will is a good idea but with what happened to Abiola family and Raji Rasaki family, I can say that Will itself have been contributing to the problem. Now, I like that part where women have to work too. It is effective and ensure she has something for herself in the event inevitable happen.

Both men and women has a role to play.

olanajim:



I have recently been taking interest in the plight of widows. I had just finished watching a documentary on the subject and it make me cry.

We all want enduring love and fruitful homes. But then, come a time in our life when the man we love so dearly had to "go home". It is a natural expectation but we all wishes it come at old age. Meanwhile dead keep no appointment. It strikes when one least expect it. To those presently in rosy relationship, our enjoyment do not often allow us to meditate on inevitable occurences. We can't die together except in case disaster. Somebody has to go first! Love can't solve this.

Unfortunately, we lives in a strange society where compassion is reserved for the rich and mighty.

For the unmarried youths and newly wed, it is time to examine this issues:
what next, if your partner dies before you? What action are you takimg to insure yourself this social malady? What should we do individually and collectively to confine this ugly practice into history?

Let share, men and women.

First of all, thank you olanajim.  You always talk about thought provoking topics and I love this one too.

You cannot cheat death and it is not gender specific.  Women also die and leave men with children to raise.  We also have "widowers" too. They also have it rough when that happens to them. You cannot confine death.  People just have to plan their lives better.

Like aisha2 said, gone are the days of  "full housewife mentality".  No matter how successful a man might be today---when he is gone, the wife will suffer dearly in most cases if she did not have her "own" little thing going--career wise.  Just for her mental health--she has to keep busy to deal with the loss of her husband and keep her children together.

One of the female doctors I work with lost her husband in his 50's but for being a busy doctor----they had just had breakfast together and she left to work only to be called from the same Emergency room within 2 hours of leaving their home, to come and attend to Funeral home matters.---Massive heart attack--with no prior history of heart problems!--may be na sex cause am--who knows?

-she was back to work within 2 weeks and has coped better instead of staying at home thinking.  The reason most join their spouses withing 6 months----assuming AIDS was not the reason for the death.

Anyone who love someone should always be prepared to lose him or her.  Like Joel Osteen said this morning, live every day like it might be your last.



@olanajim

Generally--I would recommend that people should take out life insurance policies on themselves---where offered-- to at least have a finanacial buffer for the surviving family members--promoting financial independence.  To be safe  more should be for the kids and the barest minimum for the surviving spouses.  To avoid the temptation of being a target of a hired assassin in the hands of your own spouse.

People should keep employed and have hobbies to enjoy private moments together so they are not too emotionally dependent on "the objects" of love on a full time basis--promoting emotional and spiritual independence.

People should always look after themselves first before devoting time to others. Leave a planned life and not a life of chances.  Plan well with your loved ones and make sure all records, wills and financial dealings are up to date.

Favorite Scout's Motto:

BE PREPARED!--Don't be taken by surprise! Nigerians need to plan better like westerners do.  Most oyinbo people no matter how poor plan for the future.  They do not take chances leaving everything to "Fate"!


Live goes on--No matter what!

Its such a destructive and shattering experience to behold especially for young men who are still in thier prime (30-45)
Basically i need to stress the category of men am discussing
Here to a large Men who truely love and value family and relationships.
I use to read in awe when i read articles about widows with thier grief and agony including thier finanancials and all sorts ,what abouta widower? How does he handle it especially if he had childred by the deceased ? My emphasis here is not on findingA suitable woman to marry but the Fate of the children. The new wife in most cases find it dificult in relating with the children and in most cases want to have her own set of children immidiately. And more worisome sometimes cultivate envy and rivalry.

I see (fake)david is now SeunsPenis?

Welcome back!

Its such a destructive and shattering experience to behold especially for young men who are still in thier prime (30-45)  
Basically i need to stress the category of men am discussing
Here to a large Men who truely love and value family and relationships.
I use to read in awe when i read articles about widows with thier grief and agony including thier finanancials and all sorts ,what abouta widower? How does he handle it especially if he had childred by the deceased ? My emphasis here is not on findingA suitable woman to marry but the Fate of the children. The new wife in most cases find it dificult in relating with the children and in most cases want to have her own set of children immidiately. And more worisome sometimes cultivate envy and rivalry.

Shame on any man who will not make provision for his wife and children when he passes. A crying shame if his relatives surface from board works to reap where they didnt sow.

I have used the following quote in another thread but I think it can also be applied here: In any relationship where two people become one the end result is two half people.
To help deal with such a situation as the topic of this thread suggests the independence and individuality of each partner should not be compromised! Financial and legal provision should be made to help the surviving partner (and family) but this can only go so far. A life stirred by higher (i.e spiritual) aims will provide the best bulwark if a spouse dies or will strip the fear away from this unalterable fact of life.

what a great topic.
Sadly we come from a culture where the word "death" just like "sex" is a taboo.
It is not mentioned as though that makes it keep away.
Almond I agree wholeheartedly with your advice on life insurance.

Any married man or woman (especially with kids)without adequate life insurance coverage on themselves is unwise.
Some financial people say as much as 20 times your annual salary is adequate but my darling Suze Orman says 8 times.

Even if we don't want that much,something is better than nothing
Term life insurance in America is very affordable.
The one from your job is hardly enough,most don't exceed $50,000
Pick up a phone,call AAA or any of the A+ rated companies,they'll come to your house take a urine and blood sample,weigh you and take your BP and an healthy young person below 35 ,non smoker can get a 30 year $500,000 term life insurance for as little as $45 a month.

Death is inevitable at some point,we should not make our loved ones cry for our loss and also cry for not being able to eat or go to school.
I don't know how insurance works in Nigeria but I suppose it's the same way.

We live in modern times and cannot afford to be ignorant any longer.
Your spouse and kids should be able to pay off the house,pay for college,live a decent life  and also bury you with dignity.

[s]when nigerian women start taking out life insurance on themselves wont the murder rate for women go up [/s] ?

Spoilt,
it is not just about leaving provision for the family. There are two sides to this issue. Failing to plan and planning to fail. Failing to plan is self explanatory. Planning to fail is a situation where the partners made ineffective/incomplete  plans that could not compete with the reality.

The man may leave billions in Bank Account. Of what use are those billions if the wife has no skill that can be used to manage the wealth? Of what use are those billions if the children he left behind are untrained in the art of managing finance?

This thread should be a clarion call to our generation to rise up take steps toward eradicating this social malady.

I wish, and sincerely pray that Dead people are allowed to see what is happening to their family from their graveyards. I wishes and prays fervently that they could feel the agony of their widows so that they could offer curses or prayers to those who are perpetrating injustice against their beloved.

Iice,
what next? From courtship to marriage, we must plan for the end. I agreed with Alimondjoy, on that quote. If we live as if today is our last day, we would be in position to do something no matter how little. Inch by inch, they say, make cinch. But will many young men and women poisoned by love ever stop to ponder on this?

A man I used to know lived as if he was immortal. He forced his wives to stop working and pay them daily allowance. He sent his children to expensive boarding schools without giving them basic knowledge about life. And he wrote his Will.

But a strange illness afflicted him and he ended up emptying his bank account treating himself. In the end, he kicked the bucket.

When the Will was read, it was discovered that "his children" were the beneficiaries!

The family  couldn't manage the businesses he left behind. And soon, it crumbled! They are back to square one.

Would this have happened if he had allowed his wives worked?

Couple must recognize that it is in their interest to plan ahead.

@ olanajim
excuse me but why do people always assume that the wife cannot manage money a man leaves behind? then his hungry crayfish brothers will arrive to manage it. which skills do they have? Im not even talking multi billionaires here. just ordinary folk like you and me. behind closed doors most women are the managers of the money in the family anyway.

nwaodo,

Unfortunately, insurance is in mess here. To be frank, most of the insurance firms here are fraud firms. They don't want to pay claim. They are just interested in profit. People's reluctance to take life insurance were borne out of their experience with vehicle insurance. If it is very hard for you to anything on your stolen vehicle, how many people would go for life assurance? It is only recently that Insurance Firms start make concerted effort to discharge their duty. They have been acting more like collection centre over the years. I wishes, hopes, and prays that the ongoing reform at the sector is successful. ( oh lest I forget, it was reported as a fraud! The govt is still probing them. See?)

Another observation is that, the average Nigerian spends his money on food, shelter and clothing. They would rather pay their money into pension fund, and spend the rest on sausages and Gala than patronize insurance firms!

I cries for these folks. I have promised myself that I'd rather die a bachelor than marrying a stupid wife who would refuse to discuss her future. It is better for her to be richer than I am than for her to a borrowed life. Guys must learn to be unselfish and let love be all encompassing.

spoilt:

@ olanajim
excuse me but why do people always assume that the wife cannot manage money a man leaves behind? then his hungry crayfish brothers will arrive to manage it. which skills do they have? I'm not even talking multi billionaires here. just ordinary folk like you and me. behind closed doors most women are the managers of the money in the family anyway.

Sadly spoilt,many women are very ignorant about money.
We ought to educate ourselves.
I have personally been able to convince friends and family,women who have been in the USA for donkey years to open a common retirement account.
Some women don't think that far.
That is terrible.
They'll rather live in big houses and drive gigantic cars and wear gold rather than save and invest.
I hope to retire in my fifties and the time to start planning was yesterday.
I don't want to be waking up at 7 AM getting ready for work when my bones are aching.

Like almond says,the word housewife ought to be expunged.
Even if oga is a multi millionaire,a woman ought to be doing something to earn her own money even if once a week.
She'll garner respect and learn to manage her affairs,in case anything happens.
Going to school and getting a degree to be a housewife is not enough
No one will hire a housewife with no working experience.

nwando:

Sadly spoilt,many women are very ignorant about money.

why would any able bodied woman want to depend on a man? that has proven to be dangerous oh.
what i actually meant in my post is that when a man dies and its time to distribute his assets his relatives surface and no matter how educated and a good manager wifey is, they feel they can manage the money better all in a bid to enrich themselves.

Spoilt,

I don't know why they assumed. But I do know that, no matter your qualification, if you don't practice what you know, you would sooner forget them.

When a woman spend 10 years sleeping, waking up, shopping, and watching movie, you definitely can't expect her to know much than that. She must have programmed her subconscious to "spend, spend, and spend" leaving major decision to her Almighty husband. That is a disadvantage to her, should the husband travel to the land of no return.

As for the greedy family members, I go with Aisha's suggestion. A woman should know her in-laws in advance so as to prepare for their antics. If she has greedy in-laws, then she must begin to plan all the way to the end. But if her in-laws are good people, she may relax, but she must never sleep without insurance. Like alimondjoy had said, "BE PREPARED"

       

things dey happen for naija       

olanajim:

nwaodo,

Unfortunately, insurance is in mess here. To be frank, most of the insurance firms here are fraud firms. They don't want to pay claim. They are just interested in profit. People's reluctance to take life insurance were borne out of their experience with vehicle insurance. If it is very hard for you to anything on your stolen vehicle, how many people would go for life assurance? It is only recently that Insurance Firms start make concerted effort to discharge their duty. They have been acting more like collection centre over the years. I wishes, hopes, and prays that the ongoing reform at the sector is successful. ( oh lest I forget, it was reported as a fraud! The govt is still probing them. See?)

Another observation is that, the average Nigerian spends his money on food, shelter and clothing. They would rather pay their money into pension fund, and spend the rest on sausages and Gala than patronize insurance firms!

I cries for these folks. I have promised myself that I'd rather die a bachelor than marrying a stupid wife who would refuse to discuss her future. It is better for her to be richer than I am than for her to a borrowed life. Guys must learn to be unselfish and let love be all encompassing.

This is so sad.
Insurance companies are of so much value in the west and the average person insures whatever assets they have.
Surgeons insure their hands,musicians their voices
I even hear that Jennifer Lopez the actress/singer insured her buttocks which some say are the finest butts ever seen on a woman

They haven't seen naija ladies

spoilt:

@ olanajim
excuse me but why do people always assume that the wife cannot manage money a man leaves behind? then his hungry crayfish brothers will arrive to manage it. which skills do they have? I'm not even talking multi billionaires here. just ordinary folk like you and me. behind closed doors most women are the managers of the money in the family anyway.

Sadly,this is common practice in some areas of  Nigeria.
Let me speak of Igboland,there is a community in Abia State where the wifes husband automatically get everything including the home and furniture,virtually kicking the woman and kids to the streets.It's that bad in some places.
A wise man from this area must have a will filed with a lawyer while he's alive such that his brothers don't disposess his wife of her rightly owned property.

The other thing that is heart wrenching is that our people are very secretive to their wives.
Some men would rather tell their siblings their posessions and assets rather than their wives.
That is so wrong.

this is just about somethings i was making my brother understand yesterday. i simply told him i can't sit down @home & not work, if my husband asks me to. I don't see my self as someone dat will sit down doing nothing, changing diapers, cooking & waiting for my husband to come back from work. I told him i'm sorry i can't afford to live a stereotyped life.

He gave me an instance of his boss who's wife is a medical doctor, but now at home. I told him i would be darmd crazy to have such qualification & be at home. We argued over this for hours, it ended like "okay o if ur husband ask u to stay at home with the kids don't stay, run after career" i told him, i'll ensure i fix myself up wit some other thing dat'll at least still save my family, if my job gets so tasking.

Women wake up, Its starts from when u guys are dating, when u are being over pampered by ur spouse it leads to some unnecessary weakness, & u put all the glory on him, he has showered u with so much dat u feel, u need less struggle. I think this problem starts from u guys, don't over pamper your spouses, like she's one idol or some decoration to be worshipped daily. Talk to her sometimes like u are talking with ur fellow guy. Make her able to come up with something. If u have a company show her how its run. If u don't bring out that aspect of her, that thing u see she's good at. I'm sure u got to know her best color without her telling u, so i see no reason why u can't see where she belongs.

I've see women that their husband seemed to tie down at home, but developed some other natural interest. Like adding chemicals for liquid soap, creating an extra room for sewing (i intend learning how to sew myself) or making hats.

I saw a role model in my mum, there are times in the family, even when the spouse dosn't even die. There are times the family is shaken so hard. If the woman is not strong, u can imagine what will happen.

Be careful guys cos this mistakes comes from u too.

I still believe in one thing which is that every woman no matter how educated you are,you should still have another means of livelihood which mean a small business for yourself and again,i don't really like the idea of married men having a lot of landed properties,it ends up putting the wife at risk after the demise of the husband.There are a lot of assets you can invest in which is strictly gonna be between you and your immediate family i.e shares,stocks and some investments so that if the unexpected happens God forbid,no extended family is gonna come over and start disturbing your wife and the kids.

death is nothing we have control over, its so sad to see your partner die, my cousin lost her husband last week, she is 28, has a 2 yr old son and a three month old daughter, its bn a heart wrenching experience. Anyways its gd to have a will, regardless of your age, it makes things easier in the case of unexpected death and secures the future of your children, and women too, don’t be dependent on any man, have a life and an identity of ur own

Not all in-laws are after the man's money,my Grandfather and my Uncle actually managed my father's estate and I was able to graduate from the University, though I was in form 1 when he died.
They made sure the money was spent on education and education alone because that is one thing that is valued in that family,to be frank I do not think my mum would have been able to do that, she made a lot of blunders (innocently)with her own savings that I am glad she did not have access to my late Dad's.

But if your inlaws are the type that, even when your partner is still around have values that are contrary to yours, your partner is about the only source of provision for them, they bombard your home with one request or the other everyday and are never satisfied, then you must do something fast, because they are going to tear you apart if he dies.


Most of our contributions have been on the basis that the man dies, what if it is the woman and she has been more wealthy than the man, what does she do? Make the man her next of kin and leave all her savings to the man, only for him to marry again(which he has the right to) and start to spend the woman's money on the new wife and children since the new wife will be around to make sure that her children's interests are taken care of?

What do you think?

My contribution was based on the fact that am a lady, anyways lets flip the coin, if the lady dies then the man will remarry – 99% of them do

Shinatu:

Most of our contributions have been on the basis that the man dies, what if it is the woman and she has been more wealthy than the man, what does she do? Make the man her next of kin and leave all her savings to the man, only for him to marry again(which he has the right to) and start to spend the woman's money on the new wife and children since the new wife will be around to make sure that her children's interests are taken care of?

What do you think?

Wow, u've got a good point there.
With that situation, the answer is studying your spouse enough before u get married. But only a stupid man will use all his late wife's investment on another wife & kid. When things such as death & re-marriage occurs to a man, its takes a woman with a complete good heart, to give the former children the best as if it were hers, but this is so rare.

This is a situation in which we shouldn't pray 4, its really sickening to think about all issues raised here. I'm having goose bumps already. Lets pray to die old & as well our spouses, that way we won't be scared of anything but happy to move on or is it let go?

Either way we need to start training our Daughters and younger sisters that it is ok to be strong and independent. Our culure has a way of training women to be docile and stupid, they call it being submissive. Girls are not trained to think, they are trained to believe that some man will come and take away all their problems, when I read all these Cinderella stories i get mad, and we read that to our little children and they will grow up thinking that one prince charming is there to take away all their sorrows.
God made everyone with the same number of hands and legs so i fail to understand why a woman will not work.

Hmmm! its must have been too much of ladybird stories (Cinderella, snow white, beauty & d beast). Its quite good to have a thought of a prince charming & a "live happily forever after" ending after marriage. I wish it were real, no troubles, no trials, no temptations. Once u've found love its the end.
Hmmn! maybe modern day Nigeria got people reasoning this way. Becos i'm sure the moonlight stories, that were told to our fathers, under the trees in the village, were more of virtues, morals, etiquettes which molds good upbringing & hard work with no fantasy.

i cant imagine how it feels, but God help the women and the men. most people dont plan on retirement talk more of death, no one likes to talk about it,. its like a taboo if mentioned. Alot of nigerians are not insured or even think of death insurance,why? they dont believe in it,  why? ignorance. i have not being there before and cant imagine what its like. even with all the money in the world,  i cant imagine leaving or spending the rest of my life without de man i was married to but we all know. shit happens. to all the widows and widowers, at this point all you can ever think of is God, trust in Him and no one else.


Aisha,  i guess you  are from the north, dont misunderstand me but you know what all these issues entail from where we are coming from? Look,  its not a matter of having hands or not its the matter of drilling an understanding into the heads of some men, especially those that think they have got all the money that can take care of a woman. 65% of women that are educated are working or into one busy or the other, 5% choose not to work becos of the free allowance their hubbys gives to them(made up fairy tale minds not to work), 10%  are stuck in between choosing her home or a job cos their hubbys' has giving them options to choose, 20% are either unemployed or dont have the resources to do something with their hands, remember. more than half of the population are below average, so poverty still exist in this country, even learning a trade or something you have to pay. nothing goes for nothing, you know?

A very interesting and educatiing thread this is.

Death is inevitable.It is most certain that a partner will either die first or worse case scenario, both of them at the same time. No one enters a union with the hope of losing their spouse. However, it is something we should prepare for either consciously or otherwise. This preparation starts from the courtship period. What sort of man or woman are you dating right now? Chances are that the person you date or court, you will eventually get married to (unless you wanna opt in for "an imported wife/husband" when you only date or court after the wedding)

Court wisely and make a good choice. Know the family you are entering into very well before you tie the knot.

Plan! Plan! Plan!, Its all about planning, This is what you should be doing, especially during courtship and not engaging in premarital sex that does nothing but blindfold you. Discuss this topic together as a couple and never shy away from the truth, How are you going to handle it should the inevitable come calling now? What would be the way forward when it happens? These are important issues to talk about.

Your spouse should be your next of kin under normal circumstances and if for one reason or the other, someone else is filling that gap, what are the implications at death? Talk about it,

Every woman should have a source of income, apart from the husband, being the main/partial source. In the same vein, every husband must not utterly depend on his wife financially. ( Although this is not very common where i come from ). Abi?

There are various insurance policies one can take advantage of and you may both need to seek professional counselling to opt in for the best package to meet your family and income level, age, etc

Understand your in-laws very well, do your best to be at peace with them as much as you can, love them dearly and put them into consideration when planning with your spouse.

If there are children in the union, what plans are you embarking on today to ensure they are not impaired in any respect, should the 'D' word knocks on your door? There are various long term investment packages parents sign up for the children to fall back on after they are gone, are you looking into this? Talk about it now, How about taking a trust? Speak to a solicitor,

Losing a spouse is enough trauma for anyone. However, lack of planning could aggravate such trauma. Some pple have actually lost their mind, esteem, dignity, charisma, everything u can imagine after losing a spouse.

When i got married at the age of 23, we never talked about this sort of topic at all, like most pple. Afterall, it is meant to be an everlasting union, why discuss death anyway? But then, 3 years down the line, he died!!! Yes, the inevitable, never discussed topic, unpalatable word is now here! I was only 26.

Although, i would not say we consciously planned, perhaps in our subconciousness, we both did. I was not utterly dependent on him as i was working, had a good relationship with his siblings such that there was no issue whatsoever afterwards. Its been five years and i can say that i have not been rendered completely handicapped as a result of losing him. I will most definitely remarry but how lovely would it be if we both talked about this while he was here?

The bottom line really is: "TALK ABOUT IT and plan now" and if it means seeking professional advise them do so!!

u wan die?