@poster,

I didn't see the last reply from the poster. I guess I skipped it. It is always good to give full detail of a case in the beginning instead of leaving members to guess what happened. That would have helped in shaping the direction of the thread.

That you are not living in Nigeria makes your case easier. You don't have much problem at all.

This is my advice:

Can him to order and have a heart to heart discussion with him when he is at his relaxed state. You lives together, and he isn't mad everyhour. Talk to him. Take him back to the good old day and remind him of the beautiful dream your shared; Your promising daughters etc. Then calmly, paint a gloomy picture of the scenerio before you. His change of attitude and transformation. Do this with intent to make him think and talk to you. You are a lecturer, don't lecture him. Create an atmosphere that would make him speak. Don't fear his beating you, be bold, yet humble. In short, let him say what he want, what is wrong with him. Let him talk. From his words, you would know whether to dump him or not. You are playing a chess, and this is countdown.

Give him another chance to change. If after that opportunity, he mess-up, sue him. You have a ground for divorce. Let me tell you that, if he is as useless as you portrait him, he would be the loser. I am sure, he would found himself back in Nigeria to trouble you no more. What an inglorious end to an insecured husband! You will get another husband if he leave. If your daughters have already witnessed their father's behavior, they won't miss him.

I know a lady who once passed through your case.
I insist however, that divorce should be your last option.

I don't think my opinion is of any value as I'm not a nigerian but I can tell you qualifications don't matter when it comes to marriage. What does matter is that you must be crazy to put up with that, why do you chose to put up with that? are you compelled to rely on your husband to sustain you or something? no your not you cam be independant. Sickens me that so many naija ladies chose to put up with what they put just becuase it is 'til death do us part' there are many ladies out there divorced, especially educated ones that have moved on and met other willing, faithful, able bodied men. He cheated on you twice and you are pursuing a Phd if you don't get rid of that cheater it MAY effect your educational results. You also say he is on the internet all the time how do you know he is not looking for hook ups on the net aswell. Why trust this man?

I got a beating myself once before, although slight and I can say I fought back and he promised never to do it to me again. He has never cheated on me as I carefully monitor all his movements knowing that he is a naija man makes me even more observant (as they are polygamous in their blood and nature and culture condones cheating). He knows I know that too thats why he does not have an opportuinity to do that. If a man has an OPPORTUINITY to cheat it is likely he may do just that whether you trust him or not. Beating you when you confronted him about cheating? thats really unbelievable, typical promiscuis,traditionalist, ignorant, discriminatory behaviour towards you and you let that happen. Its another sad example of the abuse naija ladies chose to endure. Do you want to end up in an early grave either through stress, high blood pressure, HIV, AIDs or worse again MURDER

typical responses you should ignore:

Be a woman again - men don't know what is like to be a woman and don't give a crap either
Forgive him: he has cheated on you twice
Loose weight- buck yourself up, dress up etc - typical naija mans response always the womans fault!
talk about the 'dreams' you had before- what dreams? he wouldn't even remember if he could cheat on you twice and then bash you up.

It is not your fault, talk to him all you like - but you cannot teach an old dog new tricks.

Wise counsel. Thanks.

what kind of demented man hits a woman?
pack your things, take your kids and get astepping. or are you waiting for the disease he's surely going to bring to you soon?

Madam cry

D-reloaded:

Who gives a bloody damn on what mistakes were made? As long as beating is involved the most idotic thing a female can do is STAY and "think" he'll change. Abusers NEVER change. They just tend to hide it well.
I hope you tell a sister or whomever to stay in an abusive relationship all in the name of "I don't believe in sdivorce" but you believe in a woman dying for the cause.

For BETTER for WORST

i'm very sorry my sister just pray to God and he'll see you through. good luck

almondjoy:

I really do not understand the kinds of females Nigeria is turning out these days. 

@poster

You are actually looking for "guidance" after 11 years of marriage?--What have you been doing all these 11 years?  All I can do is wonder at you with your level of educaton.  Please do not teach those daughters of yours this nonsense you are practicing in your marriage so they end up as "doormats" in some irresponsible men's hands!  In 2008?

What did your mother teach you about marriage? --Or did you just run away and get married?  Did you have aunts, sisters and so on--successfully married famales in your families?  Please go and ask them how they coped with these kinds of situations.

Please ladies and gentlemen if you cannot take care of marital issues--do no get married at all!  Some of you do not meet the basic requirements and that is "common sense 001"!

I personally, have nothing to advice you on--you deal with your mess! You never tell a deaf man that there is a war going on.  When he sees others running for cover, he too will run without asking questions!

Rubbish!

Stupid and senseless post as usual.You are finished old slut


@ poster

Before you give up on that marriage, have you exhausted all the diplomacy you could? You said you have two wonderful children.Have you ever considered the pyschological effect the eventual seperation will cause them?

I suggest you can sort the whole issue out or at least perform all within your capacity to resolve the issue.If you can cope in the marriage for 11 years , I strongly believe that you are as good as a manager in it.Talk to him, let him understand what he is doing to you. You will definitely be justified for any action you take afterwards.

stefykarl:

SEE MADAM, WHY ARE YOU ASKING WHEN YOU HAVE MADE UP YOUR MIND, COS FROM WHAT I CAN DEDUCE FROM WHAT YOU SENT IS THE GUY PICKED YOU WHEN YOU ARE NOTHING AND MADE YOU SOME BODY, NOW YOU KNOW YOU ARE MORE EDUCATED THAN HE IS, AFTER SACRIFICING TO MAKE You SOMEONE ALL YOU DO IS SAY ALL THESE NONSENSE. DIDNT YOU SEE THAT HE IS LAZY BEFORE YOU MARRIED HIM, NOW THE ONLY IMPORTANT THINGS ARE YOUR CHILDREN.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU HAVE SOMEONE ELSE YOU WANT TO RUN TO, SO, DONT BOTHER US.
YOU ARE NOT ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, AFTER 11 YRS OF MARRIAGE THIS IS THE THANK YOU, YOU WILL GIVE HIM.
YOU SAID HE CHEATED TWICE, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU CHEATED ON HIM? YOU DIDNT TELL US,GO AND SIT DOWN AND FOLLOW YOUR NEW FRIEND.
YOU ARE A DISGRACE

Lose that capital letter.It pisses me off.

Dear Poster,

I have read your post and all the advices given by fellow Nairalanders.

I am sorry about your marital ordeal.

Please, please and please………take a clue from this….it’s very good to seek for advise from people, listen to them, hear them out but be sure to do what you intuitively feel is right for you. People give advice based on their level of maturity, temperament,  understanding and experience. So whatever they say might not fit exactly into your situation. Let no one rule your life for you.

I deeply feel your pains but all I read from your post are lapses from your partner. Based on that, I can not hump into saying anything for now. 

If you don’t mind, I will like to chat with you on one-to-one.  I promise to counsel you and lead you through the process of decision making as regards this issue. I am not going to decide for you but I will help you see and clarify some key factors that you should base your decisions on.

If we’re on the same page, feel free to hallo at me on dorcasde@yahoo.com.

Peace!

This is really doing my head in, frustrated, I wish i can help you more than this online words of advice, if you want to tell him to his face to stop beating you call me i will second you anytime. at least we can have a shouting match on him, as a way of preventing further wife-battery incidents

Quote@poster
I am a married woman for 11 years now and have two beautiful and intelligent daughters. They are the sunshine of my life. Incidentally I am also a very educated woman anticipating to get a Phd in the next year or so. I have a decent job as a lecturer in a private university. I met my husband 12 years ago before I even made some of these achievements in life. I was studying for my 1st degree when we met. He by that time was employed in an engineering company. Education-wise I am more educated than him since he has only a diploma in engineering, he is a very bright and intelligent person which was one thing that attracted me to him since we had these very interesting conversations.

You said ur husband was working  as an engineer while u were in school and he never contributed to ur education? Sounds really strange my dear. that one thing that attracted you to him was his intelligence?
may be u were so naive to understand that intelligence and being well-bred are not always siamese twins? The question i want to ask is has he lost his intelligence? Since u ignored character and compatibility, the underlyng qualities that makes a lasting relationship and just held on to superficial 'intelligence'. You didn't mention, but i guess he's a 'fine boy' too.

I wish all the singles will learn from this age-long mistake, that knowing someone's  core-values is critical in relationships before u say 'i do'. Don't just discuss ur dreams and fantasies, any fool can dream of how
(s)he's going to be the best thing that has happened to the world!

Quote@Poster
D. WHEN I WENT BACK HOME I FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD BEEN TELLING HIS RELATIVES THAT HE IS JOINING ME IN THE US SO HE DID NOT SEE A NEED TO FINISH HIS EDUCATION. WE HAD NOT PLANNED TO COME TO THE US AT ALL AS A FAMILY SINCE WE HAD SO MANY ASSETS BACK HOME (FOR YOUR INFORMATION) HE SQUANDERED EVERY BIT OF IT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.

If what u said here is entirely true, then ur husband is really in a pathetic state. He got to the point of believing that since u're in US  where u 'pick money on the side walk' he can now live a profligate life.
You still has not mentioned whether he lost his job or he's still working, though u insinuate he's been living largely off ur sweet.
First thing is to cut him off from that Western Union largesse that causes him to prostitute. His girlfriend will surely desert him once the juice stops flowing and that may (hopefully) start his healing process.
U've really done honorably so far, and i believe God will give you the strenght to finish strong.

dot2002:

This is really doing my head in, frustrated, I wish i can help you more than this online words of advice, if you want to tell him to his face to stop beating you call me i will second you anytime. at least we can have a shouting match on him, as a way of preventing further wife-battery incidents

Even my parents never beats me, it will be a surprise, so how can a poor peasant that i chose to be with and respect turn on me. I will kick his butt out and he should not come back until he sobers up.

Frankies:


Stupid and senseless post as usual.You are finished old slut


@ poster

Before you give up on that marriage, have you exhausted all the diplomacy you could? You said you have two wonderful children. Have you ever considered the pyschological effect the eventual seperation will cause them?

I suggest you can sort the whole issue out or at least perform all within your capacity to resolve the issue.[/b]If you can cope in the marriage for 11 years , [b]I strongly believe that you are as good as a manager in it.[/b]Talk to him, let him understand what he is doing to you. [b]You will definitely be justified for any action you take afterwards.

Goodmorning Frankies ma love. Is that all you can devote to your Nairaland wife? I am disappointed. Where is the fire?

I am happy you are able to concentrate and at least contribute to topics no matter how silly/trifling those idiotic contributions may be. I think you fit the profile of the poster's husband since you specialize in picking up both male and female sluts even when you confessed that you are a married man.  Well, men like you should be lined up and executed for daring to put your filthy leprous hands on any living thing.

How is your mama BTW, my mentor slut?  Even as she needs separate underwears to pack up all the hemorrhoids tagging along like all her children look--including you the chief hemorrhoid.  I see business is still good as she is still slutting on express ways in Nigeria while your father does the same by the Cotonou boarder.  You generational bastard!

The poster should sort which issue out?  Idiot!  If you had any iota of common sense you would have realized that a domestic environment would do more damage to the kids than separation from a Pig like you!  But what do you know? Since you spent all your life sucking abunnas behind molues to set up your 419 cyber "massage parlor for male sluts" in Otigba!  I knew you would condone such nonsense as the "bloody unholy ritualistic book" most of you men read upside down tells you. 

Men like you are professional vagabonds who constantly want a slave for a wife so you can carry out your base fantasies of domestic abuse on them.  If I were your ever-menstruating she-goat of a wife,  I would have long sent you to see your maker the devil, sent your carcass to Darfur to feed the hungry vultures there.  But wait a minute? She only has a brain of a she-goat and is not capable of knowing when an animal is entering or exiting any part of her orifices.  Perfect match then.

Next time try a real slut like myself and see if you even live to take a last breath as you lay those filthy fingers on any fly around your anus!

Cow!

almondjoy:

I am happy you are able to concentrate and at least contribute to topics no matter how silly/trifling those idiotic contributions may be. I think you fit the profile of the poster's husband since you specialize in picking up both male and female sluts even when you confessed that you are a married man. Well, men like you should be lined up and executed for daring to put your filthy leprous hands on any living thing.

The poster should sort which issue out? Idiot! If you had any iota of common sense you would have realized that a domestic environment would do more damage to the kids than separation from a Pig like you! But what do you know? Since you spent all your life sucking abunnas behind molues to set up your 419 cyber "massage parlor for male sluts" in Otigba! I knew you would condone such nonsense as the "bloody unholy ritualistic book" most of you men read upside down tells you.

Men like you are professional vagabonds who constantly want a slave for a wife so you can carry out your base fantasies of domestic abuse on them. If I were your ever-menstruating she-goat of a wife, I would have long sent you to see your maker the devil, sent your carcass to Darfur to feed the hungry vultures there. But wait a minute? She only has a brain of a she-goat and is not capable of knowing when an animal is entering or exiting any part of her orifices. Perfect match then.

Next time try a real slut like myself and see if you even live to take a last breath as you lay those filthy fingers on any fly around your anus!

Cow!

Can you counterclaim that you are not a freakish specimen of botched genetics.Yeah, If you are not a mistake from a test tube experiment,you could have been reasoning constructively.

The next thing we will see is your stupid advice for her to leave her marriage. I am really suprised that you don't even know how clueless you are in some vital issues.Yet you will now allow those that have something upstairs to contribute due to lack of space already occupied by an internet-addicted idiot like you.

Let me tell you a plain truth. The earlier you admit you are a dumbass that does not know anything except to while away your stupid flat ass on the internet,The earlier we can help to at least give you a brain of a 10year old to enable you reason to some extent as a child because right now , you reason like a rat.

The more I post this to you , the more annoyed I am of you. That if they give me a pistol on you, I will choose a double-barrel and send you to where you belong. you living-dead slowpoke.

I still know it is better for the lady to be with the hubby than becoming a divorced son-handling idiot like you.

Ass hole

@poster. If all that you said in your response is true you are indeed a very strong woman.  You might be giving your husband the wrong solutions, he might not want to do masters etc. Men are adventurous in nature and completely different from woman. Enjoy you crossroads and advice yourself.

i have not being there before, but God help the man that raises his hand on me,

AlmondJoy, you sure do know how to give it to them  

thats it!!!!! pretend he does not exist??
ignore him

sue him for his act of cowardice . all the best poster, but when last did you make him see some reasons, am not good at this and dont pray for an idiota for a husband.

almondjoy and frankies we've had enough of both of you. you guys cant go round all the threads trading words and ruining threads.

spoilt:

almondjoy and frankies we've had enough of both of you. you guys can't go round all the threads trading words and ruining threads.

Sorry, please just deal with it!

almondjoy:

Sorry, please just deal with it!

im trying. you guys can take it outside.

Almondjoy, from me to you, what is this thing you have for frankies. It definitely is more than skin deep.

Frankies:


Can you counterclaim that you are not a freakish specimen of botched genetics.Yeah, If you are not a mistake from a test tube experiment,you could have been reasoning constructively.

The next thing we will see is your stupid advice for her to leave her marriage. I am really suprised that you don't even know how clueless you are in some vital issues.Yet you will now allow those that have something upstairs to contribute due to lack of space already occupied by an internet-addicted idiot like you.

Let me tell you a plain truth. The earlier you admit you are a dumbass that does not know anything except to while away your stupid flat ass on the internet,The earlier we can help to at least give you a brain of a 10year old to enable you reason to some extent as a child because right now , you reason like a rat.

The more I post this to you , the more annoyed I am of you. That if they give me a pistol on you, I will choose a double-barrel and send you to where you belong. you living-dead slowpoke.

I still know it is better for the lady to be with the hubby than becoming a divorced son-handling idiot like you.

Ass hole

That is all you can say!

You son of a moronic bastard!  You have the guts to come out here and type your rubbish as usual.  You son of a shrine LovePeddler!  As long as I catch your fithy arse on this Nairaland, I say I will continue to deal with it!  To teach most of you a lesson.  When a fellow poster types anything you do not like---if you have any upbringing from your vagabonian existence you will have some reservation in how you address.

You failed 4th trimester abortion!  On account of the blunt hanger used in the attempt to dig your arse!  You call yourself a man!  Useless son  of a cork sucking babalowo shrine LovePeddler!

Men like you can only afford she goats for a wife like the one you say you are proud of!  Useless illiterate idiot!  Like I told you.  Many men have advanced their careers sucking that same abunna in back of buses and have become presidents and you are here on Nairaland repeating the same old thrash from you partially aborted fingers!  You son of a K-legged albatross!  You call yourself a man?  You masturbating, finger licking, she goat's arse sniffing PIG!

Keep advising women to stay with morons like you!  The last time I checked there were quite a good many willing to do just that!  You generational vagabond!

spoilt:

im trying. you guys can take it outside.

Sorry it did not start outside and it cannot end outside.

onmyown:

Almondjoy, from me to you, what is this thing you have for frankies. It definitely is more than skin deep.

Sorry, I hate the bastard with a passion and if it the last thing I do before I leave Nairaland for good, I will keep thrashing him! Imagine the destitutute. A male slut? Abunna sucker!

First consider the future of your kids
2nd consider the future of your kids
3rd consider you and the consider the future of your kids


Your kids might be minors now but your action will live with them for the rest of their lives. If the man is not totally mad, or something you have done has made him go sick of you.Am sure there is a pint of "the man u married" and the one eho wanted you to as his wife. _{Even some full time away player keep there families future intact.Except of because their is a reason not to.}
I suggest you turn on all you feminine wiles and instincts and set the stage for serious talk- no treat nor fight- simply discuss-

[b]be warned [/b]it is not easy to bend iron but rit amount of heat can remould it"
Good luck!

Women!

Please for once think, if you had been the one that cheated on the Bastard, he would not even be asking for advice from strangers, he would habve dumped you like a piece of sh**t.

So laeve the man and find yourslef a new one. 11yrs dont mean a thing. coz they didnt to him so wat your own?

@ Poster
I understand to a large extent what u are going through. I grew up in a broken home but one thing I thank God for is that my mother was seperated from my father when he began his randy runs. Though my father was never physically abusive, sha. His girlfriend turned wify also squandered all our properties (which was enormous, my father's family is wealthy )

She took to raising us almost single-handedly. BUt the story takes a turn, after 11 years of seperation, my father comes home like the prodigal son. And my ma takes him back and they start building life afresh. I hate my father and would sue him for abandonment but Jesus touched me and i forgave him 4 all he did to us. We are still mending after 16 years. Broken homes tell alot on the children but abuse is more than i can tell.

My mum became a role-model 4 me and it gave me inspiration that I don't have to take s*** from any man just because I'm a woman.

real_demi:

@ Poster
I understand to a large extent what u are going through. I grew up in a broken home but one thing I thank God for is that my mother was seperated from my father when he began his randy runs. Though my father was never physically abusive, sha. His girlfriend turned wify also squandered all our properties (which was enormous, my father's family is wealthy )

She took to raising us almost single-handedly. BUt the story takes a turn, after 11 years of seperation, my father comes home like the prodigal son. And my ma takes him back and they start building life afresh. I hate my father and would sue him for abandonment but Jesus touched me and i forgave him 4 all he did to us. We are still mending after 16 years. Broken homes tell alot on the children but abuse is more than i can tell.

My mum became a role-model 4 me and it gave me inspiration that I don't have to take s*** from any man just because I'm a woman.

Thanks for your story. All these delusional morons whining "OMG Divorce kills the family and hurts the children!", yes it will initally hurt the kids but having children watch their mother or even father treated like crap 24/7 is MUCH WORSE.

real_demi, I believe if your mother didnt l;eave your father would have never woken up from his past behavior. Apparentyly he realized that your mom was gonna take his crap anymore and eventually he smartened up.

I have respect for men and believe the woman should submit to her own husband but subjugation and intimidation is what I would NEVER support. No matter what a woman does, it is UNmanly, crude, barbaric, animalistic and insane of a man? to raise a finger on a woman.  Real men keep themselves under check even when pushed to the wall.

If u have truly tried to reason with him to no avail, then I'd only say:
Pray for your husband but seperate from him. It is safer for all concerned(esp u and the kids). That is, take both physical and spiritual precautions and I'm sure all things will work out for your good, eventually.

@D-reloaded
True, my father cleaned up his acts when he realized he had lost a jewel. He actually said so with his own mouth after his come-back. My mum's a Secondary school teacher and taught us contentment and self-reliance becos we really had some rough times but she never lost her self-dignity. My father came to her virtually penniless. Even with the little she had, she brushed him up financially (d other woman had squeezed him dry.) and somehow, he began to pick up again. he's still picking up, some fires do die hard,,, thaht's y men should be very careful when being randy. And should always think 2ce.

TO HELL WITH "FOR BETTER FOR WORSE"

TEH DAY A MAN LAYS HIS HANDS ON ME, THAT'S IT. IF YOU OVERLOOK IT THE FIRST TIMES, WHAT ASSURANCE DO YOU HAVE THAT HE WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT ARE MARRIED AND THEY ARE VERY BITTER, PLS NOBODY HAS D RIGHT TO QUESTION U IF U LEAVE GHIM, U SAID U HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS, YOU HAVE UR DEGREE, MARRIAGE IN DIS CASE (AND ALL OTHER THINGS SHALL BE ADDED), YOU HAVE WHAT U NEED, PLEASE LEAVE DIS MAN, IF BEING SINGLE WILL MAKE U HAPPY, LEAVE HIM ALONE.

I KNOW A MAN WHO BEAT HIS WIFE TO DEATH JUST BECAUSE SHE ACCUSED HIM OF CHEATING (WHICH HE DID), PLS DON'T EVER TAKE IT EASY WITH A GUY THAT PUTS HIS HANDS ON YOU. IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, U WILL LEAVE D MARRIAGE AND MOVE ON. YOU HAVE TO KIDS TO SUPPOSRT YOU, DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT PPL HAVE TO SAY, because I KNOW SOME NIGERIANS WILL OPEN THEIR DIRTY MOUTHS, ESPECIALLY IF U'RE YORUBA, FORGET THAT!

GOODLUCK WITH UR DECISION!

FactorChic:

I KNOW SOME NIGERIANS WILL OPEN THEIR DIRTY MOUTHS, ESPECIALLY IF You'RE YORUBA, FORGET THAT!

What does this mean?

@ almondjoy and frankies

Your exchanges had me laughing so hard that i feel off my chair, you guys must really be in hate love, pls keep it coming we are really having a swell time reading ur exchanges.