Floodgater:
You are welcome. Now that you opened up more, i can see part of the naivety slack i cut you earlier. You know that this man really loves you, the average naija man with his average mentality would have written you off as no wife material but you are the one making "shakara". Both of you reason the way you do because of your background which doesnt make either totally wrong, the key thing is compromise. The good thing is he seem wholly in love, use it to your advantage. Know that it may not always be exactly how you want it to be all the time, same with him. Teach him to see from your view as you work on yourself to reason from his end too. Do you know the traits from you both can greatly complement and strengthen each other. I dont want to imagine how your children will be if you get a man that does not flog, dont cook or do chores in this naija not leaving out the possibility of him not loving you like this man. As you break, read books on marriage and how men handle issues so that you can mature more and teach him even as you learn from him. Do you know the best type of marriage is the one the man loves the woman without any reservation or mentality of i am the man and a woman must be a woman, thus not know everything about me. Provided he is willing to compromise, you too compromise. And please add a bit of respect and value to him and all he has done for you, i think it can go a long way.

Okay, so I shouldn't tell my family all I've written here then, I'm worried though, that my mum might give him some tough time as she likes to scrutinize, I don't want his ego to be affected in any way by my family, is there a way to avoid this?

There is one popular saying I've been noticing since I started reading posts on relationship.

It's about ladies financing their guy's when they r down and when things turn out well for them,they tend to abandon those ladies.

So my question is this.
Should ladies stop helping their guy's to move forward?
What is in d mind of such ladies when they r doing good samaritan work?
Is it just to help or they r dreaming,hoping that the guy will later take them to the altar seeing that they hv invested so much in them(d guys)?
When helping a guy,did u box him in a corner to say what he wouldn't have said cos he believes he has no choice then?
Why feel bad if he moves ahead?

So in a nutshell,what do ladies have in mind wheen they r financially helping their broke guys?

happysisi:
How do you handle a husband who only tells u want he wants to tell you. The wife has no idea about his finances. His communication is zero and won't also give listening ear. His Ego and Pride is killing the marriage as he never appreciates the wife or says sorry even when he's wrong. He does not complement the wife, no birthday, bal, anniversaire célébrations yet he complements other women both married and single. A man who only sees bad in his wife for example, only wen u do thread hair dat he will compliment negatively. Too much to say and type

This is just too one-sided.

I would love to hear from the man himself. I'm quite certain that would make this story take a completely different direction.

moca:
Do ur hubby give u pocket money?
Pocket money inside feeding money?
How do u ask for a raise in feeding money?

Na wa o!

I hate that term "pocket money". It's just sooo belittling. Like a primary school pupil / secondary school student asking a parent for money. Abeg..abeg...in Naija of all places, a woman must work. Irrespective of whether she's got kids or not.

babyosisi:


She can start by giving him cards and gifts on his own birthday too
That may teach him what is expected of him

I think I get where she's coming from.

There are some men that are just stingy, or (pretend to be) indifferent or both. Thing is come every Christmas, New Year, Valentine's, and / or Birthday, they'll either feign ignorance or just can't be bothered to do the needful. But when wife ignores them on their special day, it becomes something else...

So she either keeps spending and trying to teach him by example, or completely ignore him on his special day. If it hurts him enough to talk about it, then she can let him know how ignoring her for all those 4 years has hurt her two. Then hopefully, from that point on, they make amends with genuine promises to change.

Preternatura1:
Okay, so I shouldn't tell my family all I've written here then, I'm worried though, that my mum might give him some tough time as she likes to scrutinize, I don't want his ego to be affected in any way by my family, is there a way to avoid this?

You have no business telling your family his flaws, remember he protected you when you couldnt cook oha, that's what you should do for him all the time. Your family and friends will eventually see and take him the way you do before them, ensure it is the good way always because they may never be able to correct a previous bad impression you gave them, even if he is at fault, cover him up and correct later. You know your family more than him so prepare for any area that may cause problem in other to prevent it and projects his good sides when he is discussed in your family. Know it is the love he has that makes him adjust for you, no body like to move from their comfort zone but after complaining he still adjust for love sake, you will know it is a genuine change from his comments and attitude to the changes. Please step out of your familiy's standard and love this guy a little, btw what have you adjusted for him. Teach him gently with patience to be more modern, i think you would also do with some of his traditions and be grateful later.

Gud pm, my ex his begging me 2 come bak 2 him, bt d prob I av wit him is he womanise a lot. Am in love wit anoda person, bt he smokes, d person am in love wit truly love me, bt my fear is his habit. Pls am confused right nw, I need ur advices. Tnks.

bonsue1118:
Gud pm, my ex his begging me 2 come bak 2 him, bt d prob I av wit him is he womanise a lot. Am in love wit anoda person, bt he smokes, d person am in love wit truly love me, bt my fear is his habit. Pls am confused right nw, I need ur advices. Tnks.

Wait, you no longer love your ex plus his womanizing prowess so what's the problem?

Smoking is a habit that can be stopped na.

moca:
There is one popular saying I've been noticing since I started reading posts on relationship.It's about ladies financing their guy's when they r down and when things turn out well for them,they tend to abandon those ladies.
So my question is this.
Should ladies stop helping their guy's to move forward?
What is in d mind of such ladies when they r doing good samaritan work?
Is it just to help or they r dreaming,hoping that the guy will later take them to the altar seeing that they hv invested so much in them(d guys)?
When helping a guy,did u box him in a corner to say what he wouldn't have said cos he believes he has no choice then?
Why feel bad if he moves ahead?So in a nutshell,what do ladies have in mind wheen they r financially helping their broke guys?

Your question is same sort as how does a lady knows a man that will marry her? the signs are there. A lady has no business financing a guy she is not 95% sure will marry her, this alone is not enough too, she should ensure he is appreciative right from the little firsts she started with, that even whateversoever little he has of his own, he is willing to share with her not just waiting for when he has much, he is open about how he spends her money otherwise no woman should financially invest in a man that is not her son or husband instead should only assist with what she can comfortably part with. Any woman that after helping a man, rubs it in his face or gets angry that the man is now ahead, has problems that can make one to be unsure if the man used her or ran because the problems.

It is actually not one sided. Maybe I am asking or expecting too much. I am someone who believes in telling my hubby everything, no secret. Even if I want to buy any small thing or go somewhere like grocery store. I know one of 2 things about finances like lands we have but anything about his bank accounts or how much he has, I have no idea. The problem might be cuz I have no job nd doesn't want me to know how he spends the money nd who he sends money to if I become a signatory to his accounts. I am probably expecting much which I have stopped for sometime now and it's all cool. My biggest problem is his non communication and even if u ask, no straight answer, thus making discussion difficult. Or he simply tells me pray, imagine. I strongly believe being financially independent, caring less, being away from him for sometime will do a great deal so he appreciate me. This is someone I was helping to apply for a job nd he freely gave me his password nd I would apply nd call him on the phone to tell him where and where I applied. He finally got a good job, we got married nd he passwords every single thing of his.

I do not bother myself anymore and just looking and praying to God for a job

EfemenaXY:


This is just too one-sided.

I would love to hear from the man himself. I'm quite certain that would make this story take a completely different direction.

happysisi:
It is actually not one sided. Maybe I am asking or expecting too much. I am someone who believes in telling my hubby everything, no secret. Even if I want to buy any small thing or go somewhere like grocery store. I know one of 2 things about finances like lands we have but anything about his bank accounts or how much he has, I have no idea. The problem might be cuz I have no job nd doesn't want me to know how he spends the money nd who he sends money to if I become a signatory to his accounts. I am probably expecting much which I have stopped for sometime now and it's all cool. My biggest problem is his non communication and even if u ask, no straight answer, thus making discussion difficult. Or he simply tells me pray, imagine. I strongly believe being financially independent, caring less, being away from him for sometime will do a great deal so he appreciate me. This is someone I was helping to apply for a job nd he freely gave me his password nd I would apply nd call him on the phone to tell him where and where I applied. He finally got a good job, we got married nd he passwords every single thing of his.

I do not bother myself anymore and just looking and praying to God for a job

Yeah, I've read a couple more of your posts since then.

My dear, just keep on trying to get that job of yours. Never give up and you'll get it soon. You're noticing everything he does and hurting because you aren't earning at the moment. All that will change when you get your job.

Just hang on in there, sis and all will be well.

His bday celebration is booking mass. He says he didn't celebrate his birthday growing up nd he turned out well. There might have been reasons why he didn't celebration growing up cuz of money but I believe. Growing up too, I didn't get to celebrate bday cuz we were mu h nd doesn't occur to my parents nd I don't even have baby pic till secondary school but now I take lots of pictures and that of my kids and celebrate bday no matter how small because I want to do what my parents couldn't do

EfemenaXY:


I think I get where she's coming from.

There are some men that are just stingy, or (pretend to be) indifferent or both. Thing is come every Christmas, New Year, Valentine's, and / or Birthday, they'll either feign ignorance or just can't be bothered to do the needful. But when wife ignores them on their special day, it becomes something else...

So she either keeps spending and trying to teach him by example, or completely ignore him on his special day. If it hurts him enough to talk about it, then she can let him know how ignoring her for all those 4 years has hurt her two. Then hopefully, from that point on, they make amends with genuine promises to change.

bonsue1118:
Gud pm, my ex his begging me 2 come bak 2 him, bt d prob I av wit him is he womanise a lot. Am in love wit anoda person, bt he smokes, d person am in love wit truly love me, bt my fear is his habit. Pls am confused right nw, I need ur advices. Tnks.

So you are considering going back to your ex who womanises?Has he stopped womanising?

There's no confusion here.Help your current guy quit his smoking habit.

bonsue1118:
Gud pm, my ex his begging me 2 come bak 2 him, bt d prob I av wit him is he womanise a lot. Am in love wit anoda person, bt he smokes, d person am in love wit truly love me, bt my fear is his habit. Pls am confused right nw, I need ur advices. Tnks.

Why would you bring you ex into the picture if you are done with him and his womanising habit. You kind of made it look like womanising is better than smoking or he is the one you love. People do anything for love, if smoking is detesting to you, tell him you cant marry one that smokes and watch him change if he really love you. Go up here, you will see the testimony of one whose hubby stopped smoking before marriage because she cant take it and now he hates it. So you see people changes when they trully love.

ileobatojo:


So, so spot on! (really everything is spot on, not just the bolded)

In addition, mzstunner also has a guy that's receptive to change and willing to, just as she has changed too.

There are some that will insist on wearing 3 piece suit and Afro with those ties that look like a woman's scarf
Try all you can he won't change
All men are not equal

Floodgater:
I see men and marriage in three groups. The first group are those who go into marriage baring all their cards without reservations, they love totally. The second are first concerned about their masculity, they always assert their headship, they dont believe in loving a woman 100%, they hold some back that is why they keep secrets from their wifes. This group is the average husband, he would rather seek and prefare friends opinion to that of his wife. What he doesnt know is that he is hindering the full potential of his wife's love. He doesnt really need all that attitude for a woman that love him. The last group marry because people get married. Every womans dream is the first group, trully they are the best but few. Still most women dont prepare their sons to be in the first group. I notice that most men learn what it means to be married from friends and sustain it with friends opinions. Women please prepare your sons so that your daughters whom most times you prepared can meet a prepared man.

The rule of thumb
Any man that will shout submit submit and quote those submitting scriptures to you at the drop of a hat without telling you the BIble says men should love their wives ,is a control freak waiting to manifest fully ,if he hasn't already .
If they are not married yet,she may need to think twice about someone beating her upside the head with a King James Bible and concordance
I don't want a man whipping up the Bible to prove his point

bonsue1118:
Gud pm, my ex his begging me 2 come bak 2 him, bt d prob I av wit him is he womanise a lot. Am in love wit anoda person, bt he smokes, d person am in love wit truly love me, bt my fear is his habit. Pls am confused right nw, I need ur advices. Tnks.

The smoker may end up with cancer or give you cancer from second hand smoking
I will forget about both men if I am worried about the smoking habit

EfemenaXY:


Na wa o!

I hate that term "pocket money". It's just sooo belittling. Like a primary school pupil / secondary school student asking a parent for money. Abeg..abeg...in Naija of all places, a woman must work. Irrespective of whether she's got kids or not.

Nne,na reality wee dey face here o.
Some r yet to get work. Work no dey. B4 u know it,u don carry belle,by d time u born and weane,arrange for baby to sttart creche etac,one or two yrs don pass. Heaven help u if preggy no dey disturb u and nobody is ready to employ a preggy woman unless u r lucky to get civil service work which is a national cake.
So from d time u r idle to ur start of work,hubby no dey give u money to use for personal things?
Abi na war? Or give u anyhow for feeding?
How do those involved handle this kind of ish?
Cos I know,its a big issue in marriage especially d early yrs.

babyosisi:


The smoker may end up with cancer or give you cancer from second hand smoking
I will forget about both men if I am worried about the smoking habit

She can't make him quit.
He will quit if he wanna but she can't make him to so if she don't like it,the earlier she bail out d better.

Personally,i can't stand up to 5 minutes with one. I hv never. Hates that with passion.
I don't like alcohol too.
I also believe that u r attracted to things/ personalities u like.

@preternatura1

Read this post below and the bold very very well.

Don't let what your family perception about his class may be stop you from settling down with a nice man.

Both of you may very well grow into each other before you know it,him rubbing off on you and you rubbing off on him.

You then discover that you're quite satisfied with even less expensive stuff than you were used to and he is no longer very primitive in mannerism and appearance.you may not see it happening but you wake up one day and realize it has happened.

If those things you listed there are all the only problems you have with him,I don't see that it is something not fixable.

If you do get married to him, pls don't let your family call the shots as per the higher earning end.
No o. You have to respect him and they will follow suit. Don't let anyone ridicule your man in your presence because of his class or upbringing.

Floodgater:
You have no business telling your family his flaws, remember he protected you when you couldnt cook oha, that's what you should do for him all the time . Your family and friends will eventually see and take him the way you do before them, ensure it is the good way always because they may never be able to correct a previous bad impression you gave them, even if he is at fault, cover him up and correct later. You know your family more than him so prepare for any area that may cause problem in other to prevent it and projects his good sides when he is discussed in your family. Know it is the love he has that makes him adjust for you, no body like to move from their comfort zone but after complaining he still adjust for love sake, you will know it is a genuine change from his comments and attitude to the changes. Please step out of your familiy's standard and love this guy a little, btw what have you adjusted for him. Teach him gently with patience to be more modern, i think you would also do with some of his traditions and be grateful later.

@MOCA
Differen gals have different reasons why they tends to help their broke guys. I will speak for mysef, I love extremely and selflessly, I can do anything to make anyone I love comfortable and happy.

I gave out cash not cos I was thinking he would in turn marry me but cos ve a large heart and won't love to see my guy gnash teeth in pain.

Currently, my ex is owing me some cash, but one thing I know is that some of this cash I did not give it out totaly, some we loans. Since we broke up he has refused to pay back, one thing is sure, even if he's given 10yrs added to his age, he can't finish paying all he's owing and that does not make me less human or financially down. Its up to him.

Events of the past has thought me a great deal, my motto now is "Any money I can't dash out freely, I won't borrow anybody" and its beeing working for me. Same way am not ready to mother any guy for now.

It won't stop me from being a giver.
Its just painful when you see all you worked for crumbling before your eyes. Shit happens though. We learn everyday.

gleatz:
@MOCA
Differen gals have different reasons why they tends to help their broke guys. I will speak for mysef, I love extremely and selflessly, I can do anything to make anyone I love comfortable and happy.

I gave out cash not cos I was thinking he would in turn marry me but cos ve a large heart and won't love to see my guy gnash teeth in pain.

Currently, my ex is owing me some cash, but one thing I know is that some of this cash I did not give it out totaly, some we loans. Since we broke up he has refused to pay back, one thing is sure, even if he's given 10yrs added to his age, he can't finish paying all he's owing and that does not make me less human or financially down. Its up to him.

Events of the past has thought me a great deal, my motto now is "Any money I can't dash out freely, I won't borrow anybody" and its beeing working for me. Same way am not ready to mother any guy for now.

It won't stop me from being a giver.
Its just painful when you see all you worked for crumbling before your eyes. Shit happens though. We learn everyday.

U r indeed wise.
Very rare.
Keep it up and see how heaven will open its windows of blessing ur way.

CoCoLav:


Seen

Understood

Hehehehe...you feel I was referring to you?

Thank you so much

EfemenaXY:


Yeah, I've read a couple more of your posts since then.

My dear, just keep on trying to get that job of yours. Never give up and you'll get it soon. You're noticing everything he does and hurting because you aren't earning at the moment. All that will change when you get your job.

Just hang on in there, sis and all will be well.

moca:

She can't make him quit.
He will quit if he wanna but she can't make him to so if she don't like it,the earlier she bail out d better.

Personally,i can't stand up to 5 minutes with one. I hv never. Hates that with passion.
I don't like alcohol too.
I also believe that u r attracted to things/ personalities u like.

I am allergic to cigarettes smokes so nature already eliminated a smoker for me
Can't stand them

moca:

U r indeed wise.
Very rare.
Keep it up and see how heaven will open its windows of blessing ur way.

Amen. Thanks darl

cococandy:
@preternatura1

Read this post below and the bold very very well.

Don't let what your family perception about his class may be stop you from settling down with a nice man.

Both of you may very well grow into each other before you know it,him rubbing off on you and you rubbing off on him.

You then discover that you're quite satisfied with even less expensive stuff than you were used to and he is no longer very primitive in mannerism and appearance.you may not see it happening but you wake up one day and realize it has happened.

If those things you listed there are all the only problems you have with him,I don't see that it is something not fixable.

If you do get married to him, pls don't let your family call the shots as per the higher earning end.
No o. You have to respect him and they will follow suit. Don't let anyone ridicule your man in your presence because of his class or upbringing.

Thank you kind ma'am, for your equally kind words, I just needed to be sure and you all have been most helpful.

Floodgater:
You have no business telling your family his flaws, remember he protected you when you couldnt cook oha, that's what you should do for him all the time. Your family and friends will eventually see and take him the way you do before them, ensure it is the good way always because they may never be able to correct a previous bad impression you gave them, even if he is at fault, cover him up and correct later. You know your family more than him so prepare for any area that may cause problem in other to prevent it and projects his good sides when he is discussed in your family. Know it is the love he has that makes him adjust for you, no body like to move from their comfort zone but after complaining he still adjust for love sake, you will know it is a genuine change from his comments and attitude to the changes. Please step out of your familiy's standard and love this guy a little, btw what have you adjusted for him. Teach him gently with patience to be more modern, i think you would also do with some of his traditions and be grateful later.

If only there was a way to really show you how grateful I am for your help so far, thank you so much.

I will do my best to make sure he is not disrespected in any way, though it's just that what he may consider 'disrespect' might be different from how my family view it, still I will put more effort to make it work. My family is not used to the idea of him yet as I don't live in the same state with them(I visit on holidays and some weekends) so they don't get to see him a lot but I know that will change now as mother will like to scrutinize before giving approval, I will try to be more supportive of him.

I have learnt how to cook some foods because of him, I go to church with him sometimes, I didn't really grow up with church but I remember attending mass with nannies when I was younger and after high school that didn't really stick, so going to church with him is something he really appreciates but I don't know if I can continue , I do house chores that I can, sometimes, because he thinks it's not proper that I didn't use to.

He is a good man, he is very patient with me, does my laundry, cooks and I've noticed that I don't have the kind of problems my sister,cousins and some friends have with their relationships, they usually suspect their men of cheating, he is somewhat different from the kind of men I'm surrounded by, guess this is why we came this far.

I'm beginning to think I let my fears in and that is what is affecting our sex life, I am now ready to work on this with hope that there be fire again.

Once again, thank you very much, I feel greatly relived. It's amazing how strangers can be so helpful, I'm very thankful to Google for leading me here.

Invite us to the wedding o

I have a gele that I haven't worn For once. I need to attend a wedding so bad in that gele

Best of luck dear

Preternatura1:
If only there was a way to really show you how grateful I am for your help so far, thank you so much.

I will do my best to make sure he is not disrespected in any way, though it's just that what he may consider 'disrespect' might be different from how my family view it, still I will put more effort to make it work. My family is not used to the idea of him yet as I don't live in the same state with them(I visit on holidays and some weekends) so they don't get to see him a lot but I know that will change now as mother will like to scrutinize before giving approval, I will try to be more supportive of him.

I have learnt how to cook some foods because of him, I go to church with him sometimes, I didn't really grow up with church but I remember attending mass with nannies when I was younger and after high school that didn't really stick, so going to church with him is something he really appreciates but I don't know if I can continue , I do house chores that I can, sometimes, because he thinks it's not proper that I didn't use to.

He is a good man, he is very patient with me, does my laundry, cooks and I've noticed that I don't have the kind of problems my sister,cousins and some friends have with their relationships, they usually suspect their men of cheating, he is somewhat different from the kind of men I'm surrounded by, guess this is why we came this far.

I'm beginning to think I let my fears in and that is what is affecting our sex life, I am now ready to work on this with hope that there be fire again.

Once again, thank you very much, I feel greatly relived. It's amazing how strangers can be so helpful, I'm very thankful to Google for leading me here.

deuce7:

Hehehehe...you feel I was referring to you?

Naaa, just teasing you.

My apologies for not quoting your whole post, I hope what I quoted will not be taken out of context.

Compatibility issues comes to mind here, some are minor & can & should be overlooked while others are major & should not be overlooked

You have a particular class & I will advise you go for that class because with the quotes below, if you go into marriage with him without reaching a genuine compromise(not the one he will agree to ur terms now, meanwhile planning a different thing for you after marriage)

Preternatura1:

No, his english is not bad but his accent isn't all that

I just kinda want my kids to not speak like him, he sometimes pick offense, when I try to correct him.

he would rather eat with only a spoon than with a fork/knife which is not really a problem for me, but what about my kids?

Should you go ahead with the wedding, you will resent him & alienate your kids against him, imagine u scolding junior for eating loud & his defense will be that's how daddy does it, you find urself correcting him, you are indirectly telling him daddy is a bush man

The above secenerio will play out in other circumstances

I think kids shouldn't be flogged, he thinks otherwise, I like to tip always, he thinks it's me being wasteful, I can and actually prefer to eat out instead of cooking, he thinks that's just absurd(I can count how many times I saw my mum cook,we had people do it while I was growing up, most times my parents ate out),I pay someone to do house chores and that's something he doesn't understand, things like these is what I mean.

Here again, compatibility, these issues you raised above can cause serious issues, should junior misbehave you can't tell him not to spank or flog his own child!!

He might not be the type that will eat food not prepared by you but you on the other hand grew up with maids

It's not like I'm ashamed of him but I wouldn't like a situation where my family or friends will be asking why he needs to fill the glass to the brim or why he doesn't chew with his mouth closed, the first time he was in my house(dad's birthday), my niece asked him to please be quiet(he was on the phone laughing) because she was watching her show, he didn't find it funny, said the kid is spoilt and wouldn't take it lightly if his child did something like that

it appears you are living as though you are not in Nigeria(there is nothing wrong with that per say, just look for someone that shares same traits)


No Nigerian adult will accept that from a younger one to be "quiet", that's akin to shut up

You obviously didn't see that much of a big deal, I know kids abroad tell their parents to shut up either jokingly or seriously depending on the context & most don't see it as a biggie

you talked about the gown part, he was taking you to his mum & you couldn't agree with him on what to wear, haba

I'm not married o but I'm sure the average married woman dresses according to the husband's taste(make una correct me o)

my dear look for a good man amongst your class & save yourself from unnecessary heartache, continue with him on the grounds that you have reached a "genuine compromise" or he shows & proves that he is willing to change to your way of living

Most Nigerian men don't believe in changing for a woman, most times just to win her, they do so but after marriage, Ghen Ghen!!!!

gleatz:
@MOCA
Differen gals have different reasons why they tends to help their broke guys. I will speak for mysef, I love extremely and selflessly, I can do anything to make anyone I love comfortable and happy.

I gave out cash not cos I was thinking he would in turn marry me but cos ve a large heart and won't love to see my guy gnash teeth in pain.

Currently, my ex is owing me some cash, but one thing I know is that some of this cash I did not give it out totaly, some we loans. Since we broke up he has refused to pay back, one thing is sure, even if he's given 10yrs added to his age, he can't finish paying all he's owing and that does not make me less human or financially down. Its up to him.

Events of the past has thought me a great deal, my motto now is "Any money I can't dash out freely, I won't borrow anybody" and its beeing working for me. Same way am not ready to mother any guy for now.

It won't stop me from being a giver.
Its just painful when you see all you worked for crumbling before your eyes. Shit happens though. We learn everyday.

You sound just like me...
Are you my twin?