Buhahahahahahahaha!!!

Don't you just love Nairaland men with their double standards??

Bunch of jokers

its also true that whats hurts the most is that he cheated with my best friend. At the moment i am just numb towards him, no feelings whatsoever. i am also shocked that his best buddies are betraying him the way they are doing right now because he is currently staying at his( the one who suggested a divorce lawyer) house since he is single. So hubby is always asking him to come talk to me on his behalf but the friend comes to my house to encourage me to divorce him instead, i mean what is that?

does this mean one cant trust friends anymor? because the rate at which they are willing to backstab him shows that they dont like him at all.

and i am also deducing that my best friend must have hated me to have an affair with him.
I mean none of his friends hev anything nice to say about him to me so it shows that they have been jealous of him all along, because three of them got married after us and they are all divorced.
i am so confused because what he did is not a small thing at all, i am struggling to believe that he hasnt cheated before this incidence maybe i just never found out.

i mean how can he cheat when i perfom so well for him sexually, what was missing? how can i trust that i will ever be enough for him?
So at the moment NL is where i can say how i feel and get differeent perspective and some home truths.

did my suggesting swinging to him drove him to cheat?

How come friends he trust so much are willing to betray him so easily? are humans naturally so callous?

An0nimus:
Sorry to digress ma'am but are you Nigerian?

Yes but born and raised in South Africa why?

mulanbaba:


Yes but born and raised in South Africa why?

Thought as much. The way you type reminds me of a South African friend

About your case, its human to feel the way you do but whatever decision you finally decide to take try and be strong for the kids. Please rule out suicide.

All will be well with time. Be strong

An0nimus:

Thought as much. The way you type reminds me of a South African friend

About your case, its human to feel the way you do but whatever decision you finally decide to take try and be strong for the kids. Please rule out suicide.

All will be well with time. Be strong

thank you, i didnt try to commit suicide, i was just suicidal at the time.

typing here about my feelings has really made me better. Thank you everyone for taking time to give me advice, i really appreciate. i just needed a neutral ear i guess. God bless you all for calming my burning heart

Just curious mulanbaba,are u based in SA?Is your hubby and your best friend Nigerians?

mulanbaba:

no we are very open about sex etc so i just wanted to hear his view on it and he definately shut it down. i cant say what i would hev done if he said yes but i was glad he said no. But i was in no way saying he can cheat cos swinging involves both of us doing things with other couples. i was just mentioning it hear to show that i am not a prude at all and i know my hubby is sexually satisfied at home so i dont understand what made him wanna go outside.
i am a humble person who submit ti him and treated him like a king and he did treat me like his queen as well so his cheating wasnt expected at all, thats why i am so hurt and shocked i guess

It just feels to me like you are putting yourself under so much pressure to impress your husband sexually to the point where you suggest swinging even when you don't like it. I wonder why you are under so much pressure to sexually prove yourself to your husband. Could he be feeling pressured as well?
You mention sexual satisfaction a lot so your relationship feels very sex based.

If you choose to forgive him maybe you guys should communicate about other needs apart from sex.

thorpido:
Just curious mulanbaba,are u based in SA?Is your hubby and your best friend Nigerians?

hubby is nigerian. two of his best friends are zimbabwean and one nigerian

andromida:


It just feels to me like you are putting yourself under so much pressure to impress your husband sexually to the point where you suggest swinging even when you don't like it. I wonder why you are under so much pressure to sexually prove yourself to your husband. Could he be feeling pressured as well?
You mention sexual satisfaction a lot so your relationship feels very sex based.

If you choose to forgive him maybe you guys should communicate about other needs apart from sex.

i dont know maybe its because i wasnt sexually active when i met him so i wanted to be good for him but then i had some fantasies too that he met as well just like i met his, so i guess since he fulfilled my fantasies and i thought i fulfilled his i thought i should be enough

Sophyrocks:


If women cant cheat, why are they cheating now? Why arent they killed by firing squad? Who help women to cheat? Dnt worry you will be privileged to experience what the op is experiencing. Lets see hw you will handle it.

Amen.

mulanbaba:
its also true that whats hurts the most is that he cheated with my best friend. At the moment i am just numb towards him, no feelings whatsoever. i am also shocked that his best buddies are betraying him the way they are doing right now because he is currently staying at his( the one who suggested a divorce lawyer) house since he is single. So hubby is always asking him to come talk to me on his behalf but the friend comes to my house to encourage me to divorce him instead, i mean what is that?

does this mean one cant trust friends anymor? because the rate at which they are willing to backstab him shows that they dont like him at all.

and i am also deducing that my best friend must have hated me to have an affair with him.
I mean none of his friends hev anything nice to say about him to me so it shows that they have been jealous of him all along, because three of them got married after us and they are all divorced.
i am so confused because what he did is not a small thing at all, i am struggling to believe that he hasnt cheated before this incidence maybe i just never found out.



i mean how can he cheat when i perfom so well for him sexually, what was missing? how can i trust that i will ever be enough for him?
So at the moment NL is where i can say how i feel and get differeent perspective and some home truths.

did my suggesting swinging to him drove him to cheat?

How come friends he trust so much are willing to betray him so easily? are humans naturally so callous?

Please do not blame yourself for him cheating on you. Let him take responsibility for that.
Your friend betraying you and his friends doing the same is nothing new. The deceitfulness of man didn't start today and somebody else in another part of the world is going through the very same thing you are.

Cry all you want. Rant and grieve if you want to; it's all part of the healing process. But try not to rush into making any big decisions. Still give yourself space from him if needed.

The reason why men cheat is not one thing.There is no one answer. Each relationship is peculiar. However why he did it with your best friend is the part that you need to get to the bottom of. When you do finally have the reconciliatory discuss with him,let him tell you the why.

mulanbaba:
its also true that whats hurts the most is that he cheated with my best friend. At the moment i am just numb towards him, no feelings whatsoever. i am also shocked that his best buddies are betraying him the way they are doing right now because he is currently staying at his( the one who suggested a divorce lawyer) house since he is single. So hubby is always asking him to come talk to me on his behalf but the friend comes to my house to encourage me to divorce him instead, i mean what is that?
does this mean one cant trust friends anymor? because the rate at which they are willing to backstab him shows that they dont like him at all.
and i am also deducing that my best friend must have hated me to have an affair with him.
I mean none of his friends hev anything nice to say about him to me so it shows that they have been jealous of him all along, because three of them got married after us and they are all divorced.
i am so confused because what he did is not a small thing at all, i am struggling to believe that he hasnt cheated before this incidence maybe i just never found out.
i mean how can he cheat when i perfom so well for him sexually, what was missing? how can i trust that i will ever be enough for him?
So at the moment NL is where i can say how i feel and get differeent perspective and some home truths.
did my suggesting swinging to him drove him to cheat?
How come friends he trust so much are willing to betray him so easily? are humans naturally so callous?

Invite him to a neutral place, also tell him you want it to be just between only you two therefore his friends should not know. When he shows up, convincingly tell him you already have genuine answers but you want to hear it from him and that any lie no matter how little will only worsen things. He should say when was the first time and with whom, his reasons for cheating, if there's has been others, if his friends were aware and if yes what was their take but dont tell him what his friends are doing. This is to ensure his friends did not lead him to his predicament and to see if he is worth a second chance.

Wedon:
Errrm , pls what is 'swinging'

Yea, pls what's swinging?

Ewuro4:


Sleeping with other couple.

You mean like a three-some or what?

mulanbaba:


i dont know maybe its because i wasnt sexually active when i met him so i wanted to be good for him but then i had some fantasies too that he met as well just like i met his, so i guess since he fulfilled my fantasies and i thought i fulfilled his i thought i should be enough

(((hugs))) you are enough but you seem too focused on being the perfect sex mate for him so maybe it's not the sex could be something else is all I am saying because you keep saying he is sexually satisfied so what else does he want.

The cheating is not your fault, you can't be responsible for his bad behavior.

Chinum:


You mean like a three-some or what?

More like a 'Four-some'

A sexual fantasy many couple explore...Some people derive pleasure from taboos.

Anal, swingsx, open marriage, etc

Just don't cry foul when the consequences comes knocking your door. Anything , I mean anything can happen.

Ewuro4:


More like a 'Four-some'

A sexual fantasy many couple explore...Some people derive pleasure from taboos.

Anal, swingsx, open marriage, etc

Just don't cry foul when the consequences comes knocking your door. Anything , I mean anything can happen.

mulanbaba:
ladies i suggested swinging because i wanted to see if his kinks goes that far but he definately was not interested at all. as for his friends he has always known that they find me attractive he just trusts me and he thought that they wont persue their feelings.

now that he opened the way they are all stabbing him in the back SMH. Humans. saying i dont need him, they have more money, he will take better care of me etc.

thats why i came here cos i hev no one to talk to. my friends are on hubbys side,his friends want me, my family deslike him so i wanted neatral opinions and somewhere to express my pain

OP: whether you take him back or not is your prerogative:

However, Please ditch all your friends and Hubby 's friends.

You both have managed to surround yourselves with snakes on both sides.

Quick question: were you guys the happiest couple /most settled marriage amongst them?

obowunmi:
Love is about forgiveness...


Forgive him and move on.

Look at Hilary Clinton and her husband. No big deal...

Hilary clinton? please dnt use her as an example. Hilary clinton is an abitious woman who has always been interested in politics and soaring higher in the white house right frm her school days. She 'forgave' her husband to use his name and connections as a stepping stone to greater heights. Now she is contesting for presidency. Not all women forgive because 'its divine' or because men are anything special. Men could just be a ladder to a destination women want.

Chinum:

Hian , why the face

Definitely will not recommend for you.

Phema:
Buhahahahahahahaha!!!

Don't you just love Nairaland men with their double standards??

Bunch of jokers

Wanted to overlook till I saw This.

It is now till death do us part.

The husband somehow missed the memo.

How they can be So hypocritical and use religion to support themselves at the same time beats me.

I really do not have any intention to say anything but since it is an unsolicited advice, maybe I can try.

You see mulanbaba,

I think these people telling you how 'single' you can be, how you should move on with your life simply because of one 'adventurous' affair of your husband, how women always suffer when their partner cheat, really do not like you one bit. Because when you've filed for divorce, or go 'single' mode or 'move on' with your live, when the storm disappears, and the water becomes still and the tension eventually fades, they won't be there to 'live' with you. They won't be their to not make you feel lonely nor share your pains nor blame. It will be just you and you.

See, I don't know ur hubby but from your narrative, from the angles of his buddies, I think your friends scolding you for sending him out are actually correct. This world is a harsh one and only the smartest survive. No one shares your pity. No one actually cares. You just have to fight and be smart about it.

Sometimes the decision you take might seem foolish but in reality, they happen to be the best. Since you do love your husband - it is very glaring that you do - hold on to him. However you want him to 'pay' for his 'sin' just don't break him because you'll end up breaking yourself.

Good luck to you.

Cheers!

bukatyne:


OP: whether you take him back or not is your prerogative:

However, Please ditch all your friends and Hubby 's friends.

You both have managed to surround yourselves with snakes on both sides.

Quick question: were you guys the happiest couple /most settled marriage amongst them?

yes, my friend is a single mother of two and all hubbys friends are divorced. his friends always used to joke that if he mess up they will marry me because good woman are hard to find so now i see it wasnt a joke at all.
our marriage was one of those that people always complemented because we were just good together.
we understood each other interlectually,emotionally and spiritually.
so i can safely say before this bombshell i could swear that my husband is not a cheating type. Now i dont know anymore

so my friends just want me to keep the perfect couple image and forget my pain

kaboninc:
I really do not have any intention to say anything but since it is an unsolicited advice, maybe I can try.

You see mulanbaba,

I think these people telling you how 'single' you can be, how you should move on with your life simply because of one 'adventurous' affair of your husband, how women always suffer when their partner cheat, really do not like you one bit. Because when you've filed for divorce, or go 'single' mode or 'move on' with your live, when the storm disappears, and the water becomes still and the tension eventually fades, they won't be there to 'live' with you. They won't be their to not make you feel lonely nor share your pains nor blame. It will be just you and you.

See, I don't know ur hubby but from your narrative, from the angles of his buddies, I think your friends scolding you for sending him out are actually correct. This world is a harsh one and only the smartest survive. No one shares your pity. No one actually cares. You just have to fight and be smart about it.

Sometimes the decision you take might seem foolish but in reality, they happen to be the best. Since you do love your husband - it is very glaring that you do - hold on to him. However you want him to 'pay' for his 'sin' just don't break him because you'll end up breaking yourself.

Good luck to you.

Cheers!

i am not neccesarily trying to punish or spite his at all. right now i am just reacting as per my feelings. maybe i will forgive him one day am not sure cos he really chose a wrong person to cheat with. i met this woman at boarding school in high school so she was like a sister to me

Sophyrocks:


Hilary clinton? please dnt use her as an example. Hilary clinton is an abitious woman who has always been interested in politics and soaring higher in the white house right frm her school days. She 'forgave' her husband to use his name and connections as a stepping stone to greater heights. Now she is contesting for presidency. Not all women forgive because 'its divine' or because men are anything special. Men could just be a ladder to a destination women want.

Story. ... let OP use her husband too.

Ewuro4:


He knows everyone... I fear that guy

, yes oo, I just want to wondered cod of the way he keeps saying the hubby is very sorry and others are jealous of dere marriage, how he take know

Sophyrocks:
Ma'am, i am really sorry for what you are going through. Anyone in your shoes would feeel like hurt and downcasted. I completely understand your feelings and at this time, its best you give yourself time to heal. If it is a time alone away from yur husband you need, please get it so that your anger and hurt does not translate to something else. Cheating with a best friend is the deal breaker for most people. If after giving yourself space, it enters your heart to forgive, You can forgive him( although if i were in your shoes, i might forgive but end the marriage). If you can handle being married to him afterwards, its your call. And when you do agree to stay with him, make sure he is remorseful and works extra hard to regain the trust he has destroyed. Infact let him work extremely hard! Make sure he accounts for every movement he makes. Make sure he is honest and trustworthy. Also see to it that he never forms unneccessary/closer relationships with the opposite s.ex. He MUST stay away from your best friend or any female else you are ending the marriage.

But if you cannot remain with him, dnt pressure yourself to do otherwise. just do what your heart tells you. As for your best friend, severe all ties with her and assume you never met.

As for women telling you crap, always have it in mind that they are MERE OPINIONS. Do you know what it is for your spouse to cheat on you with your best friend? Why shuld you be made to feel guilty over an act that you never committed. I dnt know what you are doing with such women as friends. You are living your life for you not for them. You are the one who decides if mere opinions should have power in your life!! They arent wearing your shoes. This issue is entirely your decision and no one else. When they see you are the type who sticks to your decisions and you are not easily manipulated with words, they will leave you alone. If you want them to have so much power over your life then you will care about what they say.

The very babe, always there with an explicit response . I need you as a wife for real!!!

mulanbaba:


i am not neccesarily trying to punish or spite his at all. right now i am just reacting as per my feelings. maybe i will forgive him one day am not sure cos he really chose a wrong person to cheat with. i met this woman at boarding school in high school so she was like a sister to me

Now this reminds me of a certain post sometime ago by a guy. He said dat d mother in-law caught him kissing d wife's best friend(dat she also met her in boarding sch). He said d said d said lady was irresistible due to her big cup size or sth like dat.

Na so dem go dey experiment till they r caught then they remember d scriptures.

Op just being curious. Has ur mum ever come to stay with u guys. The lady too did she stay wif u guys @ a certain time? Is d winsch busty?

5minsmadness:




You know, today has made me realise family section ladies are not as open-eyed as i thought when it comes to the subject ct of sex

even efemena and chilli surprised me on the other rape thread

Abegi. Because I don't agree with your views?

I hope you can type this bull if it was the other way around

Aprime:
Do you still love your husband?

If Yes, then you need to forgive him.
But not because he deserves it or earned it, but for the fact you still love him, and that he is deeply sorry.

You also need to stop being hard on yourself.
Even the most beautiful women have been cheated on.

So sack that maid, dust yourself and wake up.
You have sacrifice enough already. Don't watch your family crumble without putting up a fight.

For better or worse remember?
You can, and you'll get through this.

Ahen

Hmmnn