KanwuliaJara:
You

Oh yeah!
The FRANCE FAGGGS!

Blackbeauty:
errrm,pls I can authoritatively say that not all marriages can be mended.In cases of abuse,especially where its physical I advice the party affected to get out FAST!!!I had a case of domestic violence in january..During the mediation session,my boss had to go out (being a man) to enable the woman show me her body.I was close to tears.The belt marks I saw were still fresh.On another occasion,he smashed a bottle of wine on her head.That resulted in a very deep cut on her forehead.I was shocked when my boss informed me last month that the lady passed out while the man was raining blows on her.She was confirmed dead on arrival at d teaching hospital.The husband is is presently in prison custody awaiting trial.The poor woman has died leaving her 3 kids.Till date,I stil remember her face,every conversation we had...I remember I told her to leave,give him space for sometime,she said their mama in church (pastor's wife) told her to keep praying and not to separate from her husband.That divorce is a sin..Well,instead of divorce,death actually dissolved the marriage!That's why I don't advice reconciliation when physical violence is involved.The stress and trauma of divorce has life altering unpleasant aftermaths,but sometimes,its better to let go.

I remember d this scenario in our church. Our senior pastor kept saying same thing but the woman was close to me.As such I told her to separate and ignore pastors advice.
I was openly punished in the midst of other church workers for this yet I remain indignant on my stand.
Thank goodness she heeded my brotherly advise,she would have been dead by now.

Whether its from the husband or wife,when "abuse" becomes a norm...separation could be the first aid needed, not fasting and praying.

How long did u leave ur children in the care hands of their father? Where did u stay all these while? When last did u visit them? And how often did u try to make amends with the man u ones love?

toyoutoyou:
If the cause of the separation is not important,then there is no need to ask for a way out from Nairalanders since u've decided to hide the worse part of ur mistake with the people u're seeking their advice.

she don't want to be blamed. She was compelled to talk what the problem was and she said " he was abusing me"..what type of abuse? She is not not a good person the way I see it.

cococandy:
i don't even know why you're quoting me or what you're talking about?

Who's whose friend?
And why should I come up with a solution to her problems especially a big problem like child-custody; when there are qualified people licensed to do that.

Did you read the comments of people who made their opinions known before you?

They asked her to settle the issue that led to their break up in the first place.

However, you jumped at the issue by saying the man has no right to do this and that............

It's obvious the lady in view is irresponsible going by the fact that the custody of the kids was given to the husband. And if that is not the case, she must have probably abandoned the children to her ex-hubby in the first place.

Really? That's the solution?
What if he's really abusive? How will going back to him be a solution. She said he threatened her to leave or else. In that case, why do you (someone who doesn't know them) consider yourself in a position to tell her to go back? Abi you're the husband who told her to leave in the first place?

Besides who Gave him custody? Why are you adding salt and pepper to her story? Did she tell you anyone have him custody? How do you know she's irresponsible?

Besides her thread is not about how to solve their marital issues. If they wanted to get back again, then she would have asked you for help on how to get back with him.

She needs advice on how to get joint custody of her kids not how to go back to her marriage that she already left.

Person come meet you with malaria you dey treat typhoid
Who are you to decide for her what to do,whether to go back or not since she didn't have any such clues that's what she wanted.

Busybody. See baseless assumptions you've already reached on her behalf.

Comprehension issues too bad.

proudlyhandsome:


Did you read the comments of people who made comments before you?

They asked her to settle the issue that led to their break up in the first place.

However, you jumped at the issue by saying the man has no right to do this and that............

It's obvious the lady in view is irresponsible going by the fact that the custody of the kids was given to the husband. And if that is not the case, she must have probably abandoned the children to her ex-hubby in the first place.

Timbuktou:


Bia, nna, you be carpenter. Which one be gbam gbam everywhere sef?

Gbam. On your head this time

Opiosko:
No it's not. Infact, it should be the other way round. Which of the states are u in?

why?
She is their mother
As a parent you need to contribute to your kids school fee and upkeeping
You both had the kids together
If you have resource to contribute
Lot of women surprised me by their comments great

freshvine:


Why so much hate on the man when actually it is the wife that is irresponsible here. Ask your self what she has been doing all this while not to cater for her kids.

In as much as I don't support the man's action, this is a deterrent for women who ran away with kids and even prevent their men from taking responsibility because the men refused to marry them or as a result of unfavorable circumstances

Ask who

I don't know what you're on about .. Sir. but I proffered a balanced solution from my experience.

If she is capable then she can fight for equal custody (1 wk on , 1 week off kinda plan) but if she's not then visitation rights (weekends or other convenient plan) is her next option.

Denying her cold turkey access to her children is mean and ridiculous. Spouses shouldnt use kids as punishment.

proudlyhandsome:

Are you Tokunbo by name?
If you are, you are my name sake

Olatokunbo precisely

9niceguy:
#Godhatedivorce
Please seek for solution to the problem that caused the separation instead of creating more problem(s).
My quarter

It is your type that stays and dies in an abusive marriage.God hates divorce my foot

Blackbeauty:
errrm,pls I can authoritatively say that not all marriages can be mended.In cases of abuse,especially where its physical I advice the party affected to get out FAST!!!I had a case of domestic violence in january..During the mediation session,my boss had to go out (being a man) to enable the woman show me her body.I was close to tears.The belt marks I saw were still fresh.On another occasion,he smashed a bottle of wine on her head.That resulted in a very deep cut on her forehead.I was shocked when my boss informed me last month that the lady passed out while the man was raining blows on her.She was confirmed dead on arrival at d teaching hospital.The husband is is presently in prison custody awaiting trial.The poor woman has died leaving her 3 kids.Till date,I stil remember her face,every conversation we had...I remember I told her to leave,give him space for sometime,she said their mama in church (pastor's wife) told her to keep praying and not to separate from her husband.That divorce is a sin..Well,instead of divorce,death actually dissolved the marriage!That's why I don't advice reconciliation when physical violence is involved.The stress and trauma of divorce has life altering unpleasant aftermaths,but sometimes,its better to let go.

Do you know that 90% of wife battering is caused by the women?

'ot all men hve the calm dsposition for shits and if women can learn to briddle their tongue we will hve reduced cse of physcal assault.

For the remaining 10% of mad men who beats their wives i wll still say the women should be proactive.

If a man strikes u once FOR NO VIABLE REASON like verbal confroontation from the lady we can call it a mistake but if it happens again just report him to human right orgnisation and even the police nd let him wrte an undertaken nd the lady also promising to maintain proper decorum.

The same goes to many of them who are never responsible in anyway.They are all over the society failing to live a reasonable live.

Emaprince:
she don't want to be blamed. She was compelled to talk what the problem was and she said " he was abusing me"..what type of abuse? She is not not a good person the way I see it.

Obynolee:


It is your type that stays and dies in an abusive marriage.God hates divorce my foot

No word for you sire

Blackbeauty:
errrm,pls I can authoritatively say that not all marriages can be mended.In cases of abuse,especially where its physical I advice the party affected to get out FAST!!!I had a case of domestic violence in january..During the mediation session,my boss had to go out (being a man) to enable the woman show me her body.I was close to tears.The belt marks I saw were still fresh.On another occasion,he smashed a bottle of wine on her head.That resulted in a very deep cut on her forehead.I was shocked when my boss informed me last month that the lady passed out while the man was raining blows on her.She was confirmed dead on arrival at d teaching hospital.The husband is is presently in prison custody awaiting trial.The poor woman has died leaving her 3 kids.Till date,I stil remember her face,every conversation we had...I remember I told her to leave,give him space for sometime,she said their mama in church (pastor's wife) told her to keep praying and not to separate from her husband.That divorce is a sin..Well,instead of divorce,death actually dissolved the marriage!That's why I don't advice reconciliation when physical violence is involved.The stress and trauma of divorce has life altering unpleasant aftermaths,but sometimes,its better to let go.

I know someone with 2 children in the cemetary. Because their father didn't see anything wrong with beating a pregnant woman and our Nigerian Association of Insane People with No Pyschology Training, excuse me, Nigerian Christian Counsellors of Whatever Random Church, kept telling her to stay. I hate this "go and pray, carry your pastor" nonsense advise once it has gotten physical. Even my husband begged me to leave him the day he ever hits me, then someone with no proper training except "the anointing" will ask me to stay and bury myself or my child.

OP, we are not here to judge you or your husband or marriage. Take this to court (contact the lawyer who posted her details), he has no legal right to subject you to this. An arbitrator will decide whom custody should be awarded to and hash out any other details.

And for those wondering why she's leaving her kids with the man, only she knows (please it isn't your business unless you are planning on helping her directly, so get off NL and contact her to help her, not judge). I know someone who lost her kids to an abusive man because he was more financially capable than she (she left his house with the clothes on her back and slippers, nothing more and her family didn't know their legal rights and thought it was typical Naija situation where na Big Man dey get justice), luckily someone got her a good lawyer and she got them back. I know another lady who dares not file for divorce because she doesn't have a stable job with Letter of Employment (the man doesn't contribute at all) but if she files, he will immediately demand custody of his child. She's trying to avoid a messy legal battle she cannot afford. The OP said she doesn't have a house, she has to prove to the court that the kids will have a stable environment if they come with her, she knows what her reasons are.

Sometimes, NLers (Nigerians in general) just wanna hear gist and judge you, to make themselves better, that's why they ask for details.

donodion:

I remember d this scenario in our church. Our senior pastor kept saying same thing but the woman was close to me.As such I told her to separate and ignore pastors advice.
I was openly punished in the midst of other church workers for this yet I remain indignant on my stand.
Thank goodness she heeded my brotherly advise,she would have been dead by now.

Whether its from the husband or wife,when "abuse" becomes a norm...separation could be the first aid needed, not fasting and praying.

lol..I can relate to your church experience..My colleagues at work feel am anti-marriage or sth.That's because of my stand when it comes to domestic violence.

emeify:
What do I do?

Separated from my husband. He is insisting I pay for the children's upkeep or I cannot see them in his house.
He has insisted on collecting part of their school fees from me. Despite that, he wants me to pay for their upkeep in his house or I cant see the kids

Is this normal?

Does anyone know a lawyer that can help?

If you need real advice, you should give details.

If the kids are permenantly staying with him, you should help in some way. Either you pay half of the kids' school fees or you arrange with him on how much you can be paying monthly, or many other things you can do to assist.

If the kids are also yours, I don't see the reason why you won't want to assist with your kids' upbringing. Would you want him to assist if the kids were staying with you? I guess your answer would be "YES".

Onegai:


I know someone with 2 children in the cemetary. Because their father didn't see anything wrong with beating a pregnant woman and our Nigerian Association of Insane People with No Pyschology Training, excuse me, Nigerian Christian Counsellors of Whatever Random Church, kept telling her to stay. I hate this "go and pray, carry your pastor" nonsense advise once it has gotten physical. Even my husband begged me to leave him the day he ever hits me, then someone with no proper training except "the anointing" will ask me to stay and bury myself or my child.

OP, we are not here to judge you or your husband or marriage. Take this to court (contact the lawyer who posted her details), he has no legal right to subject you to this. An arbitrator will decide whom custody should be awarded to and hash out any other details.

And for those wondering why she's leaving her kids with the man, only she knows (please it isn't your business unless you are planning on helping her directly, so get off NL and contact her to help her, not judge). I know someone who lost her kids to an abusive man because he was more financially capable than she (she left his house with the clothes on her back and slippers, nothing more and her family didn't know their legal rights and thought it was typical Naija situation where na Big Man dey get justice), luckily someone got her a good lawyer and she got them back. I know another lady who dares not file for divorce because she doesn't have a stable job with Letter of Employment (the man doesn't contribute at all) but if she files, he will immediately demand custody of his child. She's trying to avoid a messy legal battle she cannot afford. The OP said she doesn't have a house, she has to prove to the court that the kids will have a stable environment if they come with her, she knows what her reasons are.

Sometimes, NLers (Nigerians in general) just wanna hear gist and judge you, to make themselves better, that's why they ask for details.

My sister!You need a bear hug for this..I appreciate the fact that she held out on a lot of details..she contacted me privately and we have talked...even then I didn't ask for the gory details..For NLanders that want tales by moonlight or a nollywood story,please watch african magic and leave the poor lady alone.

emeify:
What do I do?

Separated from my husband. He is insisting I pay for the children's upkeep or I cannot see them in his house.
He has insisted on collecting part of their school fees from me. Despite that, he wants me to pay for their upkeep in his house or I cant see the kids

Is this normal?

Does anyone know a lawyer that can help?

If you need real advice, you should give details.

If the kids are permenantly staying with him, you should help in some way. Either you pay half of the kids' school fees or you arrange with him on how much you can be paying monthly, or many other things you can do to assist.

If the kids are also yours, I don't see the reason why you won't want to assist with your kids' upbringing. Would you want him to assist if the kids were staying with you? I guess your answer would be "YES".

Yes, it's nornal for one to help take care of their kids.

Toks2008:


Olatokunbo precisely

Adetokunbo is mine. Nice to have my name sake here

Reason why u r given that Name?

Blackbeauty:
My sister!You need a bear hug for this..I appreciate the fact that she held out on a lot of details..she contacted me privately and we have talked...even then I didn't ask for the gory details..For NLanders that want tales by moonlight or a nollywood story,please watch african magic and leave the poor lady alone.

I don't get it. Even in Western societies, it takes a while to finalise custody, yet people are running their mouth as if it is a one-day affair. They have never seen when mothers park outside their kids' schools, begging to see their children, all because the court ordered temporary custody of the children to the Father (whilst the Mother gets a house and shows an ability to support said kids in stable environment). But they will come here, feeling like Ehud.


Please if you're a lawyer, may I pass on your number to someone? She may need pro bono legal help.

@onegai its ok,u can give her my contact..I dedicated this year to serving humanity and pro bono legal services..From next year,the hustle becomes real!

hmmm will comment better when i hear the man's side of d story....
Op wen next u visit ur ex-hubby giv him dis link so i can hear his side...
Den i can say the right course to follow....

proudlyhandsome:


Adetokunbo is mine. Nice to have my name sake here

Reason why u r given that Name?

lol! Thats actually my surname and i adopted it.

Toks2008:


lol! Thats actually my surname and i adopted it.

Oh!!! Alright

emeify:
What do I do?

Separated from my husband. He is insisting I pay for the children's upkeep or I cannot see them in his house.
He has insisted on collecting part of their school fees from me. Despite that, he wants me to pay for their upkeep in his house or I cant see the kids

Is this normal?

Does anyone know a lawyer that can help?

hi , can I share my story wit u, similar with yours, bt mine happened 21yrs ago around 1993-95 then I was a little kid , My mom and dad had little quarrel and my dad chase her out( The first tin my mom did was to take us along, thou it wasn't easy, cous we were d senior children of d foolish man) 1 tin u need to know my dear, is tat been a single lady is nt easy, av seen tins, suffered, Bt what kept us alive was determination, MEN don't care abt there children 90% of men re useless wen it comes to training up a child,.. So after two yrs in lagos my mom relocated to my state(Delta). so we settled there, we did it without my dad knowing, cous e threathen e will deal with my mom if e take us away (Lolz trust warri boiz, u can't com to our family compound to touch my mom, that day d man go die)... My mom charged him to court, all 4 d sake of taking us away from him (ILoVEMyMOM) so we relocated to warri, sist it wasn't easy 4 my mom, I am telling u this cous I was once like your child 20yrs ago, and I know what it takes to b a single lady/parent, thou our my mom family is somehow rich bt they took care of us for jst two yrs, 1 thing you need to know in life is that Everybody has his/her responsibility ,,,and after that my mom was d only one that did d rest.. so d game was open 4 my mom alone, she withdrew us from Private school and enrolled me in Public School (beginning of struggle, all this while my dad never cared to called , till now i neva eat e 1kobo , I don't care about him, am jst gratefull to God my mom never left us with DAT evil man, ). my mom being an educated woman. she Did all her possible best we were educated..

I never supported Divorce cous it affected me psychologically, emotionaly, madam if u can find any way to reconcile do it, bt know marriage is nt a do or die affair, the tin u will regret doing is leaving your child in d hands of 1 man, Nah nah, tell him u want your child, if e says No, drag him to court. , don't b afraid, u re doing this for your SON, men don't care , Am telling u cous am 1 of those child tat suffered Breakups, e will end up marrying another lady, and guess wat, she will 8 ur child, get a good paying job, Rent an apartment, do all possible means to av u child with u, b focus, Pray, Ask for help, let Ur baby know you luv him,

To all d single PArents (women) out deer, I luv u. Mothers gave me life,,my mom always inculcate in me never to disrespect any lady,. (Gonna treat my woman like a queen)

redcliff:


Gbam. On your head this time

I dodge am.

Goodboiyy:


hi , can I share my story wit u, similar with yours, bt mine happened 21yrs ago around 1993-95 then I was a little kid , My mom and dad had little quarrel and my dad chase her out( The first tin my mom did was to take us along, thou it wasn't easy, cous we were d senior children of d foolish man) 1 tin u need to know my dear, is tat been a single lady is nt easy, av seen tins, suffered, Bt what kept us alive was determination, MEN don't care abt there children 90% of men re useless wen it comes to training up a child,.. So after two yrs in lagos my mom relocated to my state(Delta). so we settled there, we did it without my dad knowing, cous e threathen e will deal with my mom if e take us away (Lolz trust warri boiz, u can't com to our family compound to touch my mom, that day d man go die)... My mom charged him to court, all 4 d sake of taking us away from him (ILoVEMyMOM) so we relocated to warri, sist it wasn't easy 4 my mom, I am telling u this cous I was once like your child 20yrs ago, and I know what it takes to b a single lady/parent, thou our my mom family is somehow rich bt they took care of us for jst two yrs, 1 thing you need to know in life is that Everybody has his/her responsibility ,,,and after that my mom was d only one that did d rest.. so d game was open 4 my mom alone, she withdrew us from Private school and enrolled me in Public School (beginning of struggle, all this while my dad never cared to called , till now i neva eat e 1kobo , I don't care about him, am jst gratefull to God my mom never left us with DAT evil man, ). my mom being an educated woman. she Did all her possible best we were educated..

I never supported Divorce cous it affected me psychologically, emotionaly, madam if u can find any way to reconcile do it, bt know marriage is nt a do or die affair, the tin u will regret doing is leaving your child in d hands of 1 man, Nah nah, tell him u want your child, if e says No, drag him to court. , don't b afraid, u re doing this for your SON, men don't care , Am telling u cous am 1 of those child tat suffered Breakups, e will end up marrying another lady, and guess wat, she will 8 ur child, get a good paying job, Rent an apartment, do all possible means to av u child with u, b focus, Pray, Ask for help, let Ur baby know you luv him,

To all d single PArents (women) out deer, I luv u. Mothers gave me life,,my mom always inculcate in me never to disrespect any lady,. (Gonna treat my woman like a queen)

So, when last did you see or speak to your father and are you married now? Got any children yet?

Timbuktou:


So, when last did you see or speak to your father and are you married now? Got any children yet?

lolz,, not yet married, don't even wanna see him, point of correction he his nt my father jst 1 fool... u don't know what it is to have a father tat denied u every right to life,, let's b fair here, if u re d 1 will u Accept d man as ur dad?, e knows our family compound, I don't care abt him, jst trying to send msg to the Op

I really admire ladies, I jst hope d OP figure out a way to resolve this issue, bt divorce ain't a good solution

Goodboiyy:


hi , can I share my story wit u, similar with yours, bt mine happened 21yrs ago around 1993-95 then I was a little kid , My mom and dad had little quarrel and my dad chase her out( The first tin my mom did was to take us along, thou it wasn't easy, cous we were d senior children of d foolish man) 1 tin u need to know my dear, is tat been a single lady is nt easy, av seen tins, suffered, Bt what kept us alive was determination, MEN don't care abt there children 90% of men re useless wen it comes to training up a child,.. So after two yrs in lagos my mom relocated to my state(Delta). so we settled there, we did it without my dad knowing, cous e threathen e will deal with my mom if e take us away (Lolz trust warri boiz, u can't com to our family compound to touch my mom, that day d man go die)... My mom charged him to court, all 4 d sake of taking us away from him (ILoVEMyMOM) so we relocated to warri, sist it wasn't easy 4 my mom, I am telling u this cous I was once like your child 20yrs ago, and I know what it takes to b a single lady/parent, thou our my mom family is somehow rich bt they took care of us for jst two yrs, 1 thing you need to know in life is that Everybody has his/her responsibility ,,,and after that my mom was d only one that did d rest.. so d game was open 4 my mom alone, she withdrew us from Private school and enrolled me in Public School (beginning of struggle, all this while my dad never cared to called , till now i neva eat e 1kobo , I don't care about him, am jst gratefull to God my mom never left us with DAT evil man, ). my mom being an educated woman. she Did all her possible best we were educated..

I never supported Divorce cous it affected me psychologically, emotionaly, madam if u can find any way to reconcile do it, bt know marriage is nt a do or die affair, the tin u will regret doing is leaving your child in d hands of 1 man, Nah nah, tell him u want your child, if e says No, drag him to court. , don't b afraid, u re doing this for your SON, men don't care , Am telling u cous am 1 of those child tat suffered Breakups, e will end up marrying another lady, and guess wat, she will 8 ur child, get a good paying job, Rent an apartment, do all possible means to av u child with u, b focus, Pray, Ask for help, let Ur baby know you luv him,

To all d single PArents (women) out deer, I luv u. Mothers gave me life,,my mom always inculcate in me never to disrespect any lady,. (Gonna treat my woman like a queen)

Gbam, most men that collect the kids in this environment do it to "punish" the woman. He will end up passing the kids to a house gal or female family member to raise.

Those talking about her leaving the children till now, won't she get a house first and have an environment where the children can be. If it's a typical Nigerian situation even if she contributed financially in the house the woman will be the one who has to move out. She'll probably have had to stay with friends or relatives before she can save to get a place. Those people who housed her will probably not want her bringing extra mouths along. So yes there are practical reasons why she may not have been in a position to have the children stay over till now.

That doesn't make her irresponsible but rather admirable.

No one gave the man custody of the kids so he has no right to be making rules. Abeg find a lawyer who will take you case pro bono. Yes you I'll pay for your children's welfare but the man had no right to determine how much. The court will be fairer to both parties, at the end of the day it's in the best interest of the children for them to have access to both their parents and the man must not deprive them of that because of malice

Goodboiyy:


lolz,, not yet married, don't even wanna see him, point of correction he his nt my father jst 1 fool... u don't know what it is to have a father tat denied u every right to life,, let's b fair here, if u re d 1 will u Accept d man as ur dad?, e knows our family compound, I don't care abt him, jst trying to send msg to the Op

I really admire ladies, I jst hope d OP figure out a way to resolve this issue, bt divorce ain't a good solution

Reminds me of my biologically father and that crap about the children looking for their father no matter if he deserted them is a lie. I certainly never looked for him and when I got married I simply let my I laws no the man was never a part of my life and didn't deserve to be a part of my successes and celebrations . I don't hate or resent him, I just feel nothing for him