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Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by oweniwe(m): 12:03pm On Aug 07, 2016 |
urbanmsg: Anything that one is doing.... That one cannot come out and say "I am doing this" ... Such things are not for one to engage in. Why would a grown up man be doing stuffs he doesn't want even his "wife" to know about? Thats very sad. I don't know what it is that men stand to gain from keeping multiple women. ... If he doesn't like a woman, he can tell her to go and start another relationship elsewhere.... But to tie down somebody for years when you cannot meet their expectations... And you're unofficially married to another person elsewhere.... Its is very very wrong. On not wanting a polygamous family, you're already in one and I don't think there's any guarantee he will take up responsibility for ur son if he returns... I think it's better you move on and hopefully, a man who likes u the way u are will surely come your way.... Better to have your son with you, have your own husband and more beautiful babies.... Than to have a son whose father is nowhere, share husband with plenty other women and end up with some other step children Happy Sunday 4 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by njiasi30(f): 12:07pm On Aug 07, 2016 |
urbanmsg:He told u stop, I guess he was scared of loosing at both end. |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by byvan03: 1:11pm On Aug 07, 2016 |
Just make sure he isn't returning sun beaten and dew headed to eat up the little resources you are managing to care for yourself and your son. I keep thinking that his pledge of love is because he is returning broke!! I think the woman wants to kick him out and that's why he remembered you. He is not an honest man, so obviously isn't worth anymore sacrifice. At the end of the day, it's your life. There is no love here, just take the route that will benefit you more. Forget your sister and mum's begging, only logical thinking will do you good here. Don't land from frying pan to fire and please forget the single man toasting you for now till you get your life fully on track. 12 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by byvan03: 1:14pm On Aug 07, 2016 |
Please take cococandy 's advice seriously. 2 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by cococandy(f): 1:18pm On Aug 07, 2016 |
This lady didn't get pregnant as a result of hardship befalling your husband and him moving in with her. Nope. It's something else. urbanmsg: |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by EfemenaXY: 2:01pm On Aug 07, 2016 |
cococandy: My thoughts precisely. Methinks this man probably wanted to marry the SA lady but was unable to - perhaps due to his / her / both families set against the union. Whatever the case might have been, @op came in handy and was a convenient means to an end. She didn't even get to enjoy a honeymoon period with this man. I doubt (based on the story so far) he ever loved her at all. My opinion. 1 Like |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Nobody: 2:07pm On Aug 07, 2016 |
@cococandy and EfemenaXY thanks a lot I love your wisdom. You guys have broadened my thoughts. 2 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Nyceguy92: 3:57pm On Aug 07, 2016 |
urbanmsg:Oh!, there... SA has been a difficult zone for Nigerians. Jobs are not easy to get and I hear, and have seen on TV, that some Nigerians there are butchers. Nothing to frown on as long as it brings the elusive hard currency. A cousin and a brother of a friend have been there for years with nothing to show for it.Just problem after problem. All I can say is wait for your husband to come back. You are lucky he has the will to come back because most of them get stuck in the hopeless hope that things will get better the next day. 1 Like |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by SlowlybtSurely: 6:24pm On Aug 07, 2016 |
Nyceguy92: Da'fucck?! She's lucky?? 8 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Nobody: 5:44am On Aug 08, 2016 |
urbanmsg: 2 months or 2 years? |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by inemani: 7:41am On Aug 08, 2016 |
Some men sef! So dear urbanmsg, if the strange woman hadn't contacted you, Mr Hubby wouldn't have seen the need to return home? Not even to see his lovely son? To further shock you, do you even know if his relocation to SA was fuelled by the mistress? Do you also believe that they kick-started the illegal affair immediately he landed there( going by your age comparison btw her daughter and your son)? Please, no matter what happens, he shouldn't be allowed to shine your congo upon returning. Let him get tested first like cococandy suggested. If it were you, I'm sure every bloody African man (even woman) would castigate you, for being such a 'snitchin, slimy, lying, unfaithful, heartless b*!!itch/hoee! Another thing, you don't need a new relationship now, just sort yourself out first 3 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Pidggin(f): 7:56am On Aug 08, 2016 |
urbanmsg: See reasoning 3 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Nobody: 8:29am On Aug 08, 2016 |
[quote author=tearoses post=48291819] 2 months or 2 years?[/quote Yes 2 months |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Nobody: 8:30am On Aug 08, 2016 |
inemani:Thanks |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Nobody: 9:41am On Aug 08, 2016 |
EfemenaXY: Oga this your advice no follow at all at all, are you saying what is applicable to the husband is also applicable to the wife in Nigeria settings so because some men marries two wives a woman is also entitled to two husbands? the best decision she would make is only when her hubby arrives and she can now assess him and make an informed decision 2 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Onegai(f): 1:16pm On Aug 08, 2016 |
[quote author=urbanmsg post=48295060][/quote] So he came to Nigeria, met you, quickly moved the relationship forward and them travelled out almost immediately? Ohboy. Unfortunately, you're the 2nd wife. Let me explain what most likely happened from his side. He met a woman, whom he liked a lot. But his family pushed against her (for whatever reasons). Any maybe his mother was doing that Crazy-Naija-Mama routine and demanding grandbabies. So he came to Nigeria to do the needful. Then wen back to the arms of his loving woman and consoled her with a child. She didn't know about you. But it was becoming awkward: how can you live with a woman, have a child with her, sustain yourself on her finances but refuse to marry her? She then asked for a ring and he brought up the usual objections but this time, she dug deeper. And she most likely confronted him and threw him out of her life. So his friends counselled him to cut his losses and come back to you, and one helped him by calling you to beg. To his surprise he found out you knew about his other life and got angry at YOU for communicating with that lady. Because he was hoping he would get to you first and give you his own version of events and Man-splain to you ("Man-splain"definition: a word used to describe an explanation by a man which makes no sense logically but is given to manipulate the hearer. Example: "I cheated on you but now the girl is pregnant and threatening to keep the baby and confront you. Don't let her break up our marriage". In all this, no-one considered your feelings or your sorrow at being turned into a single mother for 5 years with no financial or emotional support. If your father is alive, present this case to him. Ask him if this is the sort of Son-in-law he wants for you. Remind him that South Africa failed, but Europe is a new frontier for that man and next time, it may be a German or Lithuanian woman sending you pictures of his child. Is that what he wants for his daughter? 2 of my neighbours are in your predicament. One is so bad that I don't know what her husband looks like after 15 years. He would show up briefly to impregnate her and be gone. She is such a pretty lady, quiet and dignified. But she is very much a single mother. Life is harsh, it punishes the good and rewards the wicked. 6 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by cococandy(f): 7:03pm On Aug 08, 2016 |
Onegai another definition for mansplaining. "The act of telling women how to behave, react or feel in and about certain situations because... well men know best. Hence you're expected to accept behaviors from them that they'd never consider tolerating if the tables were turned". The woman I used to sometimes buy make-up from in owerri back in the days was in the same situation. Her oldest child was a teenager and they only get to see their dad once every few years. He'd come back, get her pregnant and go back. Very Fine woman. Trapped in the name of marriage. Raising her kids alone. 2 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Nobody: 8:05pm On Aug 08, 2016 |
If he comes back rich and wealthy and begging then forgive him, but if he comes back broke, humbled and begging, then kick his ass and move on. 3 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Nobody: 9:09pm On Aug 08, 2016 |
Onegai: Some people are filled with so much wisdom,onegai you are one maybe if I was smart like this,this wouldn't have happened to me. After reading your text I got in contact with brother's wife who introduced me to him. she said he said he had a girlfriend over there before our marriage but his family kicked against him marrying from south Africa. I told myself that I wouldn't chat with his girlfriend again but today I did because I needed to find out something and she responded. I asked her if they are married,she said he asked her to marry him but her family was against it. I really appreciate all the response I have got here, it made me to know more and find out more. I think is time to move on, no looking back only that I am very heart broken and I pray the lord helps me to pull through and forget everything that has happened. 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Goldenboy007(m): 10:24pm On Aug 08, 2016 |
There is no marriage madam, what you have is arrangement - You talked about your "husband" having another child, I would assume you were celibate for the past 5 years? I doubt that. You are as guilty as your partner just that you decided not to have another child yet. Therefore plan to marry before it's too late and put the father of your child as one of your options. |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by diva90: 5:57am On Aug 09, 2016 |
I would honestly advice you to follow your mind on this issue. If your decision is to leave the marriage, then by all justifications, you are on the right path. The man not only abandoned you for years, moved in with another woman and was cheating on you but also went ahead to even father a child with her. Somethings are just unacceptable. His actions show that he has no love and respect for you. Such a union is not worth the stress. Luckily God has blessed you with a job and money of your own. Just move on! |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by theEYe21(f): 6:37am On Aug 09, 2016 |
thats why career should be number 1 or a top priority before even thinking of marriage urbanmsg: |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by theEYe21(f): 6:55am On Aug 09, 2016 |
Onegai: |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Acidosis(m): 8:02am On Aug 09, 2016 |
The number 1 problem is that you hailed from a polygamous home. 95% of people from polygamous homes transfer the chain to their wards. It is sad, but that's the reality. At this juncture, you have no choice than to move on. It is better to move on, than continue to reduce your standard till it gets to a zero level. Its 5 years already, you both must have defiled the bed severally. What's there to mend? For 5 years, I do not think a sexually active woman or man can abstain from se.x. |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by yetseyi(f): 8:23am On Aug 09, 2016 |
Acidosis: Its not her fault she hails from a polygamous home and how is that a problem or a factor in determining how her marriage turned out. Is it her background in polygamy that made the guy marry one person and impregnate abother . The way nairalanders arrive at these statistics is seriously alarming. Is there a statistical data to back up your claim. 95% really? So you are saying g for every 10 persons that hail from a polygamous home, 9 or some times all the 10 end up in polygamy/ have children from different fathers/mothers. I can also come out and say 95% of people from polygamous homes don't end up in polygamy simply because most people I know that are from polygamous homes have one wife/husband Bros 95% is to high pls. 4 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by dapsonlou(m): 8:37am On Aug 09, 2016 |
When two couple cheats the one that left evidence behind is the guilty one. Can you honestly say since your husband left you have not slept with any man? You can't even try it. Your husband did the same thing you were doing, he only left evidence by getting someone pregnant. You could have gotten pregnant for one of your helpers too. Forgive him. |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Acidosis(m): 8:49am On Aug 09, 2016 |
yetseyi:. I've only stated the reality. It is not my wish to see or witness such, however, I'm an advocate of REALITY. A lot of people have talked about the irresponsibility of the husband, etc. No one bothered to mentioned the root cause, in addition with the fact that her courtship was very short. It is true there is no official school of marriage, but key lessons from the home cannot be learned outside the home. The fact that her husband had the effrontery to abandon his new family for visa shows he had no regard for the woman and her parents. The 'fear' of a father-in-law and a mother-in-law won't allow some men attempt such. |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by yetseyi(f): 9:11am On Aug 09, 2016 |
Acidosis: The bolded was what I saw in your post that made me counter it. You stated how her parents polygamy was the root cause, I was still trying to link how a parents in-law marriage can make a son in law behave like such, if she was the one that misbehaved and you made that statement I may have agreed with you.(although I am part of those that think parents marriage state is not a factor in any of these issues) Now you have stated the reason why you inferred such and it sounds somehow I quite agree that the short courtship could have affected. Now you are saying that if her mum and Dad are together there is a possibility that he wouldn't have done this. Are you saying most of a lot of those whose husbands misbehave have their parents in law separated or they practise polygamy? Just wondering. 3 Likes |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Acidosis(m): 9:34am On Aug 09, 2016 |
yetseyi: Humans generally love to take advantage of people/situations. I'm 100% sure that man would never have thought about travelling abroad without his family if he was married to a daughter of a 'married high ranking military officer.' He took advantage of the situation as there is no one to advise/instruct him on why he should stay together with his family. The lady on her path, lowered her standard because of her background. She settled for poo because of what she's being through. Check the background of many posters on Nairaland including one Kamnwulia or so, you'd see a totally distasteful and irredeemable past. Her past has so shaped her that she now considers pros.titu.tion as legal and better than marriage. If a woman hails from a very happy nuclear family, her husband will never for a second consider a visa (SA visa at that) over his family. In this case, he (op's hubby) knows his wife will do nothing, and he's also aware that his in-laws are no way better or in the right position to advise him. In sum, she (OP) allowed her greatest fear (polygamy) overcome the standard. If I'm married to a woman whose father is a disciplinarian, it simply means I'm married to a very discipline woman. Even when she goes wrong, the fear/respect for the father would never allow me treat her in a wrong way. I have someone to report to after all. I understand these explanations do not cut across all families. Disciplined men can be found with patience by those who refuse to settle for less. |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by Nobody: 10:09am On Aug 09, 2016 |
[quote author=dapsonlou post=48323788]When two couple cheats the one that left evidence behind is the guilty one. Can you honestly say since your husband left you have not slept with any man? You can't even try it. Your husband did the same thing you were doing, he only left evidence by getting someone pregnant. You could have gotten pregnant for one of your helpers too. Forgive him.[/quote First of all I will tell you in this 5 years I didn't have any helpers you may not believe it but I stood for my son and myself all this period at a point I was doing 2 jobs at the same time to keep up with expenses. As of sleeping with another man,I was celibate for exactly 2 years and six months,I gave up at the lowest point in my life when I didn't even have N50 to buy pure water and he stopped communicating with me and I didn't do it because of money,I did it because I wanted to emotionally console myself and I still respected him because I could as well got married or even had a child and I called myself to order. I waited for him,cared for his son even when he was not financially assisting me. If he knew he has a family he was living with he could as well advised me to move on but no he calls and tells me how he loves me and that I should have patient for him. so why lies. 1 Like |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by natasha: 10:28am On Aug 09, 2016 |
[quote author=urbanmsg post=48326434][/quote] Madam you dont have to justify your actions to anyone on this platform. Your hubby was already sleeping with both of you before he paid your bride price. Asides from that he has not being a husband nor father to you and your son. He has only being a sperm donor and infact succeeded in putting your life at standstill for over 5 years. I say move on with your life and dont look back. Do NOT go to the village to meet his people. Let him bring hsi people to yours to trash out upkeep for your child. DO NOT allow him visit your house before he comes and kidnaps your child. Do NOT agree to meet him ANYWHERE, not a pastor's house, not an uncle's house, not his family house, not a friends house NO WHERE except YOUR FAMILY HOUSE. He was cheating on you through out the last 5 years and even has a child. DO you know whether he has HIV? its possible the only reason he is coming back is becuase the SA chick has thrown him out after finding out about you. Always remember that a man who loves you would NOT treat you the way he did. I bet you he has being communicating with his friends and family in nigeria through his "difficult and hard" times yet he CHOOSE not to contact you. You deserve waaaayyyyyy better than such a man so please do not settle for less. What is the guarantee that you accept him and in another 3years time he doesnt run away with another rich babe to Ghana/Togo/Brazil/UK? 8 Likes 1 Share |
Re: My Husband Has A Child With Another Woman by veave(f): 6:03pm On Aug 09, 2016 |
He should stay where he is. Are you aware he's broke? You should know him coming back would put extra burden on you. Are you ready to cater for an extra person. He probably heard things are going well for you and decided to come back so you can take care of him just as the othr woman was doing. I personally do not like men that prefer to take the easy way out. I'm sorry but your oga sounds like a selfish person who would do anything so long as he's the comfortable one. Is he trying to say that all thoe while he was broke. He coud not afford money for calls? After all said and done. He's your husband. If you want him to com fine, but just so you know. You would be the one catering for you all. Something tells me his family would contribute for his flight once you say yes just to cover his shame. 2 Likes |
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