urbanmsg:


The lady said she was exhausted and worn out that she needed her own marriage and not a sexual relationship. He was very angry when he found out the lady was communicating with me and told me stop.

urbanmsg:


The lady said she was exhausted and worn out that she needed her own marriage and not a sexual relationship. He was very angry when he found out the lady was communicating with me and told me stop.

urbanmsg:


Thanks you so much,he already wanted to come stay with me which I refused after finding out about his daughter. so now he has decided to go down to his village and he was saying that I will have come to his village for discussion which I will not do for several reasons. Thank you so much because now you have given options on how to go about it.

Yes the woman's child is almost same age with my son from all my calculation with her birthday pictures I saw on Facebook my son is only 2 months older than her

cococandy:
This lady didn't get pregnant as a result of hardship befalling your husband and him moving in with her. Nope.

It's something else.

urbanmsg:

He is in South Africa

Nyceguy92:

Oh!, there...
SA has been a difficult zone for Nigerians.
Jobs are not easy to get and I hear, and have seen on TV, that some Nigerians there are butchers. Nothing to frown on as long as it brings the elusive hard currency.

A cousin and a brother of a friend have been there for years with nothing to show for it.Just problem after problem.

All I can say is wait for your husband to come back. You are lucky he has the will to come back because most of them get stuck in the hopeless hope that things will get better the next day.

urbanmsg:


Thanks you so much,he already wanted to come stay with me which I refused after finding out about his daughter. so now he has decided to go down to his village and he was saying that I will have come to his village for discussion which I will not do for several reasons. Thank you so much because now you have given options on how to go about it.

Yes the woman's child is almost same age with my son from all my calculation with her birthday pictures I saw on facebook,my son is only 2 months older than her.

urbanmsg:


The only thing I think he can offer my life now is a sibling to my son. I come from a polygamous home,I know the battles we fought and I don't wish that even for an enemy. I don't want to have children from different men.

inemani:
Some men sef! So dear urbanmsg, if the strange woman hadn't contacted you, Mr Hubby wouldn't have seen the need to return home? Not even to see his lovely son?
To further shock you, do you even know if his relocation to SA was fuelled by the mistress? Do you also believe that they kick-started the illegal affair immediately he landed there( going by your age comparison btw her daughter and your son)?
Please, no matter what happens, he shouldn't be allowed to shine your congo upon returning. Let him get tested first like cococandy suggested. If it were you, I'm sure every bloody African man (even woman) would castigate you, for being such a 'snitchin, slimy, lying, unfaithful, heartless b*!!itch/hoee!
Another thing, you don't need a new relationship now, just sort yourself out first

EfemenaXY:


I honestly don't get some women.

Why is it so difficult to set standards of what is acceptable and what is intolerable? Why compromise your self-respect by making excuses for actions which normally are viewed as taboo by one party?

Let me ask you this: if the tables were turned, do you think we'll even be having this discussion in the first place?

I.e: Immediately after your wedding, you travel abroad leaving your newly wed husband behind in Naija. Initially you send him money for his upkeep, this dwindles and eventually stops. You stop communicating with him and the few times you do, you complain of things being "tight" at your end.

Meanwhile, you move in with another man abroad, spread your legs for him and have his kid. Then 5 years later, this man contacts your husband on Facebook claiming he didn't know you were married, you only used him for convenience, but you still love your husband.

Let me repeat that last line: Another man links up with your husband on Facebook informing him that despite the fact you birthed kid no.2 for man no.2, man no.1 should know that you still love him and want to relocate to Naija to continue your "marriage" with him.

Now tell me honestly: what do you really think your husband's reaction will be? Will you even dare show your face to him? If not, why not?

Now d'you get what I meant by my earlier statement about setting standards and not accepting actions that will compromise your self-respect?

Your decision sha.

Onegai:


So he came to Nigeria, met you, quickly moved the relationship forward and them travelled out almost immediately? Ohboy. Unfortunately, you're the 2nd wife.

Let me explain what most likely happened from his side. He met a woman, whom he liked a lot. But his family pushed against her (for whatever reasons). Any maybe his mother was doing that Crazy-Naija-Mama routine and demanding grandbabies. So he came to Nigeria to do the needful. Then wen back to the arms of his loving woman and consoled her with a child. She didn't know about you. But it was becoming awkward: how can you live with a woman, have a child with her, sustain yourself on her finances but refuse to marry her? She then asked for a ring and he brought up the usual objections but this time, she dug deeper. And she most likely confronted him and threw him out of her life. So his friends counselled him to cut his losses and come back to you, and one helped him by calling you to beg. To his surprise he found out you knew about his other life and got angry at YOU for communicating with that lady. Because he was hoping he would get to you first and give you his own version of events and Man-splain to you ("Man-splain"definition: a word used to describe an explanation by a man which makes no sense logically but is given to manipulate the hearer. Example: "I cheated on you but now the girl is pregnant and threatening to keep the baby and confront you. Don't let her break up our marriage".

In all this, no-one considered your feelings or your sorrow at being turned into a single mother for 5 years with no financial or emotional support.

If your father is alive, present this case to him. Ask him if this is the sort of Son-in-law he wants for you. Remind him that South Africa failed, but Europe is a new frontier for that man and next time, it may be a German or Lithuanian woman sending you pictures of his child. Is that what he wants for his daughter?

2 of my neighbours are in your predicament. One is so bad that I don't know what her husband looks like after 15 years. He would show up briefly to impregnate her and be gone. She is such a pretty lady, quiet and dignified. But she is very much a single mother. Life is harsh, it punishes the good and rewards the wicked.

urbanmsg:
Please I need your sincere advice Nairalanders:

I got married in 2011,I dated my husband briefly before we Traditionally got married and shortly after that he traveled out.I was already pregnant and it was tough for me to be alone throughout the period the period of my pregnancy.He was assisting me financially sending money monthly but shortly after i gave birth he started complaining that he was having problem with his business that it was tough for him over there.

I encouraged him to come to Nigeria but he refused.On my own things where so tough that at a point i went to live with his brother but the treatment i received from his brothers wife forced me back to Lagos after staying there for one month.

I came back to Lagos started looking for work,i first got a job that couldn't even take care of my son and my needs even for a week,it was tough all through those period but i was able to pull through as i finally got a stable job, paid for a house and gave my son a much better life than what we where used to.

I really thank God who has been with me all this while because i bore all the expenses alone,my husband was always complaining that he didn't have money and no body to help and at point he said he was sick,though he always calls everyday but it got to point he remained incommunicado for about 10 months.

I just focused on my son and work,then one day a friend of his called and started telling me to forgive him that things have so tough for him over there.that he always talks how much he loves

Like the good girl i was i forgave him,this is 5 years plus i have been waiting for this man that have begging me to have patient for him,always taking love.he hasn't even set eyes on his son.

Something happened recently that made me make up my mind to finally move on though my mother and sister keep begging to forgive him.

He called that he wanted to finally relocate back to Nigeria,I was happy to hear that only for one lady to send friend request on Facebook that there was something she wanted me to know that I should forgive her that i all happened because my husband was not honest with her.

The lady told me how she got pregnant and only found out that he was married after she already pregnant for him that when things became too tough for him that he had to move in with her and they have been living together for 5 years now.Now she wanted to know about her daughter that i forgive her.I saw the daughter's picture and she looks exactly like my husband.I called him and confronted him he didn't deny and he didn't say yes.he only said when he comes back that he will explain to me what happened.Seriously i think i have had enough and is better for me to forget the marriage and move on but my mother and sister keeps begging me to forgive him.

Please i need some advice here and also i recently met a single guy who is asking me for a relationship though i don't know what he actually wants and he knows about my son.

Onegai:


So he came to Nigeria, met you, quickly moved the relationship forward and them travelled out almost immediately? Ohboy. Unfortunately, you're the 2nd wife.

Let me explain what most likely happened from his side. He met a woman, whom he liked a lot. But his family pushed against her (for whatever reasons). Any maybe his mother was doing that Crazy-Naija-Mama routine and demanding grandbabies. So he came to Nigeria to do the needful. Then wen back to the arms of his loving woman and consoled her with a child. She didn't know about you. But it was becoming awkward: how can you live with a woman, have a child with her, sustain yourself on her finances but refuse to marry her? She then asked for a ring and he brought up the usual objections but this time, she dug deeper. And she most likely confronted him and threw him out of her life. So his friends counselled him to cut his losses and come back to you, and one helped him by calling you to beg. To his surprise he found out you knew about his other life and got angry at YOU for communicating with that lady. Because he was hoping he would get to you first and give you his own version of events and Man-splain to you ("Man-splain"definition: a word used to describe an explanation by a man which makes no sense logically but is given to manipulate the hearer. Example: "I cheated on you but now the girl is pregnant and threatening to keep the baby and confront you. Don't let her break up our marriage".

In all this, no-one considered your feelings or your sorrow at being turned into a single mother for 5 years with no financial or emotional support.

If your father is alive, present this case to him. Ask him if this is the sort of Son-in-law he wants for you. Remind him that South Africa failed, but Europe is a new frontier for that man and next time, it may be a German or Lithuanian woman sending you pictures of his child. Is that what he wants for his daughter?

2 of my neighbours are in your predicament. One is so bad that I don't know what her husband looks like after 15 years. He would show up briefly to impregnate her and be gone. She is such a pretty lady, quiet and dignified. But she is very much a single mother. Life is harsh, it punishes the good and rewards the wicked.

Acidosis:
The number 1 problem is that you hailed from a polygamous home.


95% of people from polygamous homes transfer the chain to their wards. It is sad, but that's the reality. .

yetseyi:




Its not her fault she hails from a polygamous home and how is that a problem or a factor in determining how her marriage turned out. Is it her background in polygamy that made the guy marry one person and impregnate abother .

The way nairalanders arrive at these statistics is seriously alarming. Is there a statistical data to back up your claim. 95% really? So you are saying g for every 10 persons that hail from a polygamous home, 9 or some times all the 10 end up in polygamy/ have children from different fathers/mothers.

I can also come out and say 95% of people from polygamous homes don't end up in polygamy simply because most people I know that are from polygamous homes have one wife/husband


Bros 95% is to high pls.

Acidosis:
.

I. No[b][/b]No one bothered to mentioned the root causecause[b][/b], in addition to the fact that her courtship was very short.

It is true there is no official school of marriage, but key lessons from the home cannot be learned outside the home. The fact that her husband had the effrontery to abandon his new family for visa shows he had no regard for the woman and his parents. The fear of a father-in-law and mother-in-law won't allow some men attempt such.

yetseyi:



The bolded was what I saw in your post that made me counter it. You stated how her parents polygamy was the root cause, I was still trying to link how a parents in-law marriage can make a son in law behave like such, if she was the one that misbehaved and you made that statement I may have agreed with you.(although I am part of those that think parents marriage state is not a factor in any of these issues)

Now you have stated the reason why you inferred such and it sounds somehow

I quite agree that the short courtship could have affected.

Now you are saying that if her mum and Dad are together there is a possibility that he wouldn't have done this.

Are you saying most of a lot of those whose husbands misbehave have their parents in law separated or t
hey practise polygamy?



Just wondering.