While some people will think marriage is a bed of roses, others believe it has its ups and downs. The ups as high as Mount Everest, and the downs as deep as an abyss.

Are you married and facing certain marital challenges, or do you have knowledge of any marriage in which the couple is facing challenges?

Would you like to share the ups and downs of the marriage and its causes to do others a favor?

Lalasticlala.

The GREATEST challenge is MARRIAGE itself.
Reason? MOST PEOPLE CHANGE FOR THE WORSE!
To stay na WAHALA.
To comot na HEAVY WAHALA o!

Better to die h-insai ONE marriage o, than to make the same mistake TWICE or THRICE.
Can’t imagine getting married again.
Will never try it.
You can NEVER know what is in the other person’s mind. So many dishonest people out there with lots of baggage ooooo.

They say one thing, mean another and DO NEITHER!

No need to inherit another set of emotional/financial PLUS MEDICAL RISKS, all in the name of looking for love, peace and happiness. Tufiakwa!!!!

Na real GAME OF WOES I swear!!!!


Glad to have tried it.

It is a very expensive education process.
You MUST find happiness within YOURSELF.
Simple.

KanwuliaExtra:
The GREATEST challenge is MARRIAGE itself.
Reason? MIST PEOPLE CHANGE FOR THE WORSE!
To stay na WAHALA.
To comot na HEAVY WAHALA o!

Better to die h-insai ONE marriage o, than to make the same mistake TWICE or THRICE.
Can’t imagine getting married again.
Will never try it.
You can NEVER know what is in the other person’s mind. So many dishonest people out there with lots of baggage ooooo.

They say one thing, mean another and DO NEITHER!

No need to inherit another set of emotional/financial PLUS MEDICAL RISKS, all in the name of looking for love, peace and happiness. Tufiakwa!!!!

Na real GAME OF WOES I swear!!!!


Glad to have tried it.

It is a very expensive education process.
You MUST find happiness within YOURSELF.
Simple.

Most people change for the worse!

Could this have an underlying cause?

thefirst:
Most people change for the worse!

Could this have an underlying cause?

Being raised in POVERTY or ILL-GOTTEN wealth only means you can never be in a position to GIVE or RECEIVE love because DISHONESTY as the main survival instinct becomes first and last nature.

In AFRICA, you rarely find a marriage that is genuine.
Marrying a person raised in material and spiritual poverty is a recipe for emotional disaster.
You can never learn or build trust necessary to build and foster ANY RELATIONSHIP.
Most raised with domestic abuse/violence as victims will become perpetrators in their own homes.

Welcome to suffering and smiling marriages.

KanwuliaExtra:


Raised in POVERTY or ILL-GOTTEN wealth only means you can never be in a position to GIVE or RECEIVE love because DISHONESTY as the main survival instinct becomes first and last nature.

In AFRICA, you rarely find a marriage that is genuine.
Marrying a person raised in material and spiritual poverty is a recipe for emotional disaster.
You can never learn or build trust necessary to build and foster ANY RELATIONSHIP.
Most raised with domestic abuse/violence as victims will become perpetrators in their own homes.

Welcome to suffering and smiling marriages.

Thanks for this: material and spiritual poverty!

But what do we do when someone is materially rich but spiritually penurious? Or in a situation someone is materially poor but spiritually rich? Or in a situation someone is both penurious spiritually and materially? Note, that someone sleeps in church doesn't make him or her spiritually wealthy just as working 7 to 7 doesn't make one rich! What does one do?

PS: Your writing is awesome.

For once I agree with KanwuliaExtra . . . . Most people think marriage is a way to find happiness . . . but you have to first of all find happiness in yourself before expecting it from someone else.

People go into marriage for various reasons (I know I did); those who do it for 'love' or 'happiness' are sometimes disappointed. Clearly human beings are terribly unreliable and can only give what they have.

For me, I got married to raise a family . . . and the most challenging thing in that is having to to do it with someone who has different views and ideologies as me. You won't believe how frustrating it can be, haggling over the little things that ordinarily shouldn't be an issue.

However, I don't think things will be different if I had a different spouse, as a matter of fact, I think I was quite lucky in my choice. So if I find myself single again, I'll probably remain that way for the rest of my life.

Marriage is over-rated . . . it should be outlawed.

UjuJoan2:
For once I agree with KanwuliaExtra . . . . Most people think marriage is a way to find happiness . . . but you have to first of all find happiness in yourself before expecting it from someone else.

People go into marriage for various reasons (I know I did); those who do it for 'love' or 'happiness' are sometimes disappointed. Clearly human beings are terribly unreliable and can only give what they have.

For me, I got married to raise a family . . . and the most challenging thing in that is having to to do it with someone who has different views and ideologies as me. You won't believe how frustrating it can be, haggling over the little things that ordinarily shouldn't be an issue.

However, I don't think things will be different if I had a different spouse, as a matter of fact, I think I was quite lucky in my choice. So if I find myself single again, I'll probably remain that way for the rest of my life.

Marriage is over-rated . . . it should be outlawed.

now I'm scared.

UjuJoan2:
For once I agree with KanwuliaExtra . . . . Most people think marriage is a way to find happiness . . . but you have to first of all find happiness in yourself before expecting it from someone else.

People go into marriage for various reasons (I know I did); those who do it for 'love' or 'happiness' are sometimes disappointed. Clearly human beings are terribly unreliable and can only give what they have.

For me, I got married to raise a family . . . and the most challenging thing in that is having to to do it with someone who has different views and ideologies as me. You won't believe how frustrating it can be, haggling over the little things that ordinarily shouldn't be an issue.

However, I don't think things will be different if I had a different spouse, as a matter of fact, I think I was quite lucky in my choice. So if I find myself single again, I'll probably remain that way for the rest of my life.

Marriage is over-rated . . . it should be outlawed.
D

Marriage may just be the hardest decision in life.

Proudgorgeousga:


now I'm scared.

Me too. I have always known how terribly people do change.

UjuJoan2:
For once I agree with KanwuliaExtra . . . . Most people think marriage is a way to find happiness . . . but you have to first of all find happiness in yourself before expecting it from someone else.

People go into marriage for various reasons (I know I did); those who do it for 'love' or 'happiness' are sometimes disappointed. Clearly human beings are terribly unreliable and can only give what they have.

For me, I got married to raise a family . . . and the most challenging thing in that is having to to do it with someone who has different views and ideologies as me. You won't believe how frustrating it can be, haggling over the little things that ordinarily shouldn't be an issue.

However, I don't think things will be different if I had a different spouse, as a matter of fact, I think I was quite lucky in my choice. So if I find myself single again, I'll probably remain that way for the rest of my life.

Marriage is over-rated . . . it should be outlawed.

On Point PLUS PLUS!
This na the KOKO of the MATA.

Different ideologies that cause FRICTION.
Petty squabbles. . . .Then you drift apart.
GBAM!

The hardest part. . . .


MARRIAGE IS SUPER OVER-RATED.
But if you don't try it, you feel you are missing something.

FINE. You are not missing anything TILL YOU LEAVE THAT MARRIAGE.
Marriage protects WOMEN from the YAMA-YAMA men out there.

It is easier for a MAN to get a second and third good wife, than for a woman to get a second good husband.
Remarriage for women? O DI KWA VELLLY LISKY!
I nor go try am LAI-LAI!

thefirst:
Thanks for this: material and spiritual poverty!

But what do we do when someone is materially rich but spiritually penurious? Or in a situation someone is materially poor but spiritually rich? Or in a situation someone is both penurious spiritually and materially? Note, that someone sleeps in church doesn't make him or her spiritually wealthy just as working 7 to 7 doesn't make one rich! What does one do?

Penury in any state or form is not compatible with marriage.
There must be a balance always, so one is not driven by excessive needs and wants.
Church is just an avenue to escape reality once a week.

thefirst:

PS: Your writing is awesome.

Thanks.

KanwuliaExtra:


On Point PLUS PLUS!
This na the KOKO of the MATA.

Different ideologies that cause FRICTION.
Petty squabbles. . . .Then you drift apart.
GBAM!

The hardest part. . . .


MARRIAGE IS SUPER OVER-RATED.
But if you don't try it, you feel you are missing something.

FINE. You are not missing anything TILL YOU LEAVE THAT MARRIAGE.
Marriage protects WOMEN from the YAMA-YAMA men out there.

It is easier for a MAN to get a second and third good wife, than for a woman to get a second good husband.
Remarriage for women? O DI KWA VELLLY LISKY!
I nor go try am LAI-LAI!

Why?

I have seen quite a number of second marriages that turned out well or even better. Not in Nigeria though.

Proudgorgeousga:


now I'm scared.

It shouldn't discourage you, it should empower you.

Once you find happiness in yourself, everything else will follow. It is easier than waiting for someone to give it to you, which you have no control over. All your power is within yourself. You can't get, what you don't have. So get happy and you will find another happy person.

happy person + happy person = happy marriage

Mindfulness:


Why?

I have seen quite a number of second marriages that turned out well or even better. Not in Nigeria though.

I rest my nut cases!

Na who wan marry second husband FROM AFRICA?

NNNNNEVVVVVERRRRR!!!

No doubt some will work like awon 'TCHIDI TCHKERE'!

Only a battered woman may get a better husband, since she already married 'THE DEVIL INCARNATE' for a first husband.
Some widows are actually relieved that ONLY GOD could give them their divorce certificates. . . .For they had no means of escaping the brutish beasts of men in their matrimonial bondages.


Not to bash men totally.
For there are really SATANIC women amongst us ooooo. . .
BUT, MEN MAKE WOMEN THE DEMONS THEY BECOME for the most part, because women are naturally nurturing beings.
A vicious cycle with generational casualties.

It only takes one man to damage 20 women.
Those 20 women can only damage 20 men.

In the final analysis. . .WOMEN ARE THE MAJOR VICTIMS in and out of marriage.

KanwuliaExtra:

I rest my nut cases!

Na who wan marry second husband FROM AFRICA?

NNNNNEVVVVVERRRRR!!!

No doubt some will work like awon 'TCHIDI TCHKERE'!

Only a battered woman may get a better husband, since she already married 'THE DEVIL INCARNATE' for a first husband.
Some widows are actually relieved that ONLY GOD could give them their divorce certificates. . . .For the had no means of escaping the brutish beasts of men in their matrimonial bondages.

I just love reading your comments. Very refreshing.
You just do not have this herd mentality but you write with brutal honesty. And your confidence is inspiring.
I admire few people but you are definitely one of the few.

Mindfulness:


I just love reading your comments. Very refreshing.
You just do not have this herd mentality but you write with brutal honesty. And your confidence is inspiring.
I admire few people but you are definitely one of the few.

Thanks.

KanwuliaExtra:


On Point PLUS PLUS!
This na the KOKO of the MATA.

Different ideologies that cause FRICTION.
Petty squabbles. . . .Then you drift apart.
GBAM!

The hardest part. . . .


MARRIAGE IS SUPER OVER-RATED.
But if you don't try it, you feel you are missing something.

FINE. You are not missing anything TILL YOU LEAVE THAT MARRIAGE.
Marriage protects WOMEN from the YAMA-YAMA men out there.

It is easier for a MAN to get a second and third good wife, than for a woman to get a second good husband.
Remarriage for women? O DI KWA VELLLY LISKY!
I nor go try am LAI-LAI!

Interesting stuff

Mindfulness and Kanwulia, you sure about this?

There must be some second happy marriage not borne from escaping domestic violence in Naija... though I've never heard of any

UjuJoan2:
For once I agree with KanwuliaExtra . . . . Most people think marriage is a way to find happiness . . . but you have to first of all find happiness in yourself before expecting it from someone else.

People go into marriage for various reasons (I know I did); those who do it for 'love' or 'happiness' are sometimes disappointed. Clearly human beings are terribly unreliable and can only give what they have.

For me, I got married to raise a family . . . and the most challenging thing in that is having to to do it with someone who has different views and ideologies as me. You won't believe how frustrating it can be, haggling over the little things that ordinarily shouldn't be an issue.

However, I don't think things will be different if I had a different spouse, as a matter of fact, I think I was quite lucky in my choice. So if I find myself single again, I'll probably remain that way for the rest of my life.

Marriage is over-rated . . . it should be outlawed.

You are not far from the truth but I don't agree with the bolded though.It isn't that bad.
My wife is simple and we had quarrels early in the marriage with me often being the reason.I matured over time and now there are weeks we go without even quarrelling.
Marriage is not over-rated.............yet.

EfemenaXY:


Interesting stuff

Mindfulness and Kanwulia, you sure about this?

There must be some second happy marriage not borne from escaping domestic violence in Naija... though I've never heard of any

I am not sure dear.

EfemenaXY:


Interesting stuff

Mindfulness and Kanwulia, you sure about this?

There must be some second happy marriage not borne from escaping domestic violence in Naija... though I've never heard of any

I doubt there is.One problem or the other leads to frustration and the culmination of it is domestic violence or divorce before it gets to that.

KanwuliaExtra:
The GREATEST challenge is MARRIAGE itself.
Reason? MOST PEOPLE CHANGE FOR THE WORSE!
To stay na WAHALA.
To comot na HEAVY WAHALA o!

Better to die h-insai ONE marriage o, than to make the same mistake TWICE or THRICE.
Can’t imagine getting married again.
Will never try it.
You can NEVER know what is in the other person’s mind. So many dishonest people out there with lots of baggage ooooo.

They say one thing, mean another and DO NEITHER!

No need to inherit another set of emotional/financial PLUS MEDICAL RISKS, all in the name of looking for love, peace and happiness. Tufiakwa!!!!

Na real GAME OF WOES I swear!!!!


Glad to have tried it.

It is a very expensive education process.
You MUST find happiness within YOURSELF.
Simple.

UjuJoan2:
For once I agree with KanwuliaExtra . . . . Most people think marriage is a way to find happiness . . . but you have to first of all find happiness in yourself before expecting it from someone else.

People go into marriage for various reasons (I know I did); those who do it for 'love' or 'happiness' are sometimes disappointed. Clearly human beings are terribly unreliable and can only give what they have.

For me, I got married to raise a family . . . and the most challenging thing in that is having to to do it with someone who has different views and ideologies as me. You won't believe how frustrating it can be, haggling over the little things that ordinarily shouldn't be an issue.

However, I don't think things will be different if I had a different spouse, as a matter of fact, I think I was quite lucky in my choice. So if I find myself single again, I'll probably remain that way for the rest of my life.

Marriage is over-rated . . . it should be outlawed.

Lol mehnn, I feel like after the 'honey moon period', my partner and I may just end up tolerating each other for the sake of the children, maybe not for a few years but eventually

ibkayee:


Lol mehnn, I feel like after the 'honey moon period', my partner and I may just end up tolerating each other for the sake of the children, maybe not for a few years but eventually

After the honey moon period, you will learn to tolerate, not stop.
Honestly, marriage or any other long term arrangement has its ups and downs, like life itself, your career, your moods, your relations to other people than your husband. It is pretty logical, is it not? Life is made of contrast, between the good and the bad times.

EfemenaXY:


Interesting stuff

Mindfulness and Kanwulia, you sure about this?

There must be some second happy marriage not borne from escaping domestic violence in Naija... though I've never heard of any

Just as you have never heard of any, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY.

We are only generalizing. I am sure we have a few “exceptions”.

In NIGERIA and AFRICA, women only jump from furnace to HELL FIRE!!!!

ibkayee:


Lol mehnn, I feel like after the 'honey moon period', my partner and I may just end up tolerating each other for the sake of the children, maybe not for a few years but eventually

Yes o.
We are talking “HEAVY DUTY” tolerance o!
The possibilities outside the marriage are totally UNACCEPTABLE by any given standards.

thorpido:
You are not far from the truth but I don't agree with the bolded though.It isn't that bad.
My wife is simple and we had quarrels early in the marriage with me often being the reason.I matured over time and now there are weeks we go without even quarrelling.
Marriage is not over-rated.............yet.

Now this, I can relate to.

Year 0 - 5: Honeymoon stage. You made the absolute right choice. Hardly any arguments. You can't seem to get enough of each other.
Sex drive: "abnormally" high (depending on the number of kids you already have).

Year 5 - 15: "Scales" have fallen (a few years and a couple of kids later) arguments do erupt. Heated ones. You almost even dislike your spouse for not seeing things YOUR WAY. You're almost always at loggerheads because of your very different outlook, approach to handling certain situations, etc. You think you start seeing things crystal clear and even start wondering why you ever got hitched in the first place especially as your background / upbringing seem poles apart. At this stage all you seem to see are differences, Differences, and more DIFFERENCES between you both. Stretched finances. Never enough money. Careers sacrificed or kept on hold to raise kids. Frustration and feeling "I'm better than this!"
Sex drive: very cool. Almost cold.

Year 15 - 20: Arguments are few and far between. Kids are grown and start heading off to uni. (yay!) A bit more spare Finance in the family pot. Done having kids. Previously dormant careers kick-started. Less pressure (apart from dealing with stroppy teenagers). You understand each other sooooooo much better. You're much more mature, you look back at yester years and understand how you could have done things differently. You see now (well almost), that what seemed such a big deal back THEN isn't really NOW.

Year 20+: You've grown into the marriage and each other. Once again you suddenly look forward to doing simple things together again every evening. Watching tv, having meals out, etc. Basically spending more family time together. You can't wait for all your kids to fly the nest.

Re: marriage being overrated? I don't think so. Spouses should learn to manage their expectations of each other.

Will I ever consider getting married for a second time? Definitely not. Me start all over again? No way. I'd rather be on my own. I've come toooooo far.

KanwuliaExtra:


On Point PLUS PLUS!
This na the KOKO of the MATA.

Different ideologies that cause FRICTION.
Petty squabbles. . . .Then you drift apart.
GBAM!

The hardest part. . . .


MARRIAGE IS SUPER OVER-RATED.
But if you don't try it, you feel you are missing something.

FINE. You are not missing anything TILL YOU LEAVE THAT MARRIAGE.
Marriage protects WOMEN from the YAMA-YAMA men out there.

It is easier for a MAN to get a second and third good wife, than for a woman to get a second good husband.
Remarriage for women? O DI KWA VELLLY LISKY!
I nor go try am LAI-LAI!

True words (in bold) . . . . . No doubt marriage is a huge 'protection' for women in this yama yama country where women are viewed as second class citizens. Once they see that ring on your finger you are automatically worthy of respect.

That's why I think it should be out-lawed. Why judge people based on an institution that is not even as interesting as it is hyped up to be

Most women remain in their marriages not because they want to, but because no matter how bad it is, it's way better than the jungle out there. Probably why men these days are getting increasingly daring and blatant in their disregard for their wives.

I heard of a man who would lock his wife out of the house while he goes to work and then let her in when he returns. Apparently he doesn't want her getting too comfortable in 'his' house.

What of the ones impregnating their house helps nko, or their wives sisters or friends?

Most marriages these days are actually a show of shame!

EfemenaXY:


Now this, I can relate to.

Year 0 - 5: Honeymoon stage. You made the absolute right choice. Hardly any arguments. You can't seem to get enough of each other.
Sex drive: "abnormally" high (depending on the number of kids you already have).

Year 5 - 15: "Scales" have fallen (a few years and a couple of kids later) arguments do erupt. Heated ones. You almost even dislike your spouse for not seeing things YOUR WAY. You're almost always at loggerheads because of your very different outlook, approach to handling certain situations, etc. You think you start seeing things crystal clear and even start wondering why you ever got hitched in the first place especially as your background / upbringing seem poles apart. At this stage all you seem to see are differences, Differences, and more DIFFERENCES between you both. Stretched finances. Never enough money. Careers sacrificed or kept on hold to raise kids. Frustration and feeling "I'm better than this!"
Sex drive: very cool. Almost cold.

Year 15 - 20: Arguments are few and far between. Kids are grown and start heading off to uni. (yay!) A bit more spare Finance in the family pot. Done having kids. Previously dormant careers kick-started. Less pressure (apart from dealing with stroppy teenagers). You understand each other sooooooo much better. You're much more mature, you look back at yester years and understand how you could have done things differently. You see now (well almost), that what seemed such a big deal back THEN isn't really NOW.

Year 20+: You've grown into the marriage and each other. Once again you suddenly look forward to doing simple things together again every evening. Watching tv, having meals out, etc. Basically spending more family time together. You can't wait for all your kids to fly the nest.

Spot on. . . Guess I'm still at the 5-15 stage

EfemenaXY:


Now this, I can relate to.

Year 0 - 5: Honeymoon stage. You made the absolute right choice. Hardly any arguments. You can't seem to get enough of each other.
Sex drive: "abnormally" high (depending on the number of kids you already have).

Year 5 - 15: "Scales" have fallen (a few years and a couple of kids later) arguments do erupt. Heated ones. You almost even dislike your spouse for not seeing things YOUR WAY. You're almost always at loggerheads because of your very different outlook, approach to handling certain situations, etc. You think you start seeing things crystal clear and even start wondering why you ever got hitched in the first place especially as your background / upbringing seem poles apart. At this stage all you seem to see are differences, Differences, and more DIFFERENCES between you both. Stretched finances. Never enough money. Careers sacrificed or kept on hold to raise kids. Frustration and feeling "I'm better than this!"
Sex drive: very cool. Almost cold.

Year 15 - 20: Arguments are few and far between. Kids are grown and start heading off to uni. (yay!) A bit more spare Finance in the family pot. Done having kids. Previously dormant careers kick-started. Less pressure (apart from dealing with stroppy teenagers). You understand each other sooooooo much better. You're much more mature, you look back at yester years and understand how you could have done things differently. You see now (well almost), that what seemed such a big deal back THEN isn't really NOW.

Year 20+: You've grown into the marriage and each other. Once again you suddenly look forward to doing simple things together again every evening. Watching tv, having meals out, etc. Basically spending more family time together. You can't wait for all your kids to fly the nest.

Excellent

Lalasticlala.

EfemenaXY:


Now this, I can relate to.

Year 0 - 5: Honeymoon stage. You made the absolute right choice. Hardly any arguments. You can't seem to get enough of e.....

For me, the biggest challange to marriage is that it involves 2 people. One may strive to make it work while the other works to make strife. Only when both parties are equally or similarly committed to make it work will any marriage work. It is important also the reason for getting married in the first place and the mindset that the marriage begins with.

I can only speak for myself. I married my Lady because I had to. I decided I had to marry her about 5 years into our relationship. But she was still in school then. We had been in a distance relationship for a while but anytime she was with me, I felt complete. After a while, I didn't see any advantage in living without her on my arm at all times Seriously. Also I wanted her baaad. But my faith would only allow it in the sanctity of marriage. As to being "wife material" , I don't think I could have remained in a relationship that long if she wasn't a lady in all sense of the word.

We are in our 7th year now, got one princess that feels like 7 and most people who see us are always surprised that we have been married longer than 6 months. That's how we act. We manage this by a couple of steps.

1. We both share the same faith and this goes a very very long way.
2. We both realise that we both have to work to make this work.
3. We had set ground rules on everything from number of children and spacing to how long mother-in-law can stay with us, to financial responsibilities even to TV programs.
4. Compromise. Lots of it. Although sometimes this can be annoying. A typical conversation goes "Honey whats for dinner" "I don't know. What do you want?" "I don't know, what do YOU want" And in my mind I'm going "Just decide on some damn food woman!" But we know we have to carry each other along on all matters to cut down on disagreements and such.
5. I help around the house a lot. Right now, most mornings I make breakfast. My Lady is heavy again and it is stressful for her. She also has to prepare our Jewel for school so it makes sense we split the chores.
6. She agrees that I lead. This doesn't make me an authoritarian figure. It simply means if there is a disagreement on what to do, I get to decide and she'll follow my lead. To me, this means I have a responsibility to be right for my family which makes me very careful and enables me take her advice and opinions to heart.

These are just some of the things we do. Not limited to this and there are exceptions to every. Point is we both work at it. And everyone I know that share similar ideas and steps in their marriage have successful marriages. Heck, I know more successful marriages around me than I know of stressful or failed marriages.

thefirst:
Lalasti clala.

Mbok, not every thread is meant for front page.
Nice read so far. I agree with everything that has been said here _but I don't agree to marriage being be outlawed.

Every marriage comes with its own challenge(s) and I have faced mine in our few years, my greatest challenge remains self-entitled and nosey in-laws.

When it's just a couple that truly love and appreciate themselves, the TWO can make it work _but when third parties (in-laws) intentionally start trying to test the loyalty of a couple, there'll be problems if not handled right.

During the ministerial screening, Fashola said I always pray for my loyalty never to be tested. Very true words.