UjuJoan2:


And I agree. . . .

But what if it's not enough. The whole concern and love you show to your spouse? What if it's not enough to make her happy? What if what truly makes her happy is being selfish and not having to make those sacrifices?

Would that make her a bad wife to you? Would you be any less happier than you are right now?

Isn't love about accepting people just the way they are and dealing with their short comings?

So when I'm selfish and aloof, I expect the man who claims to love me to deal with it. I really do not expect him to force me to be someone else.

For instance, my husband is extremely lazy with chores and wouldn't cook even if you put a gun to his head. Would I love to have a husband who would make breakfast while I get the kids ready for school? Of course! Do I think less of him for not being that guy? Not at all, and I would never trade him for the world.

Same with me, I am not a romantic wife and I know it. I forget his birthdays and our anniversary and don't always remember to leave his dinner out for him or even bother to stay up for him to get home. I argue a lot and don't believe in the man being the head of the home thing. . . But I don't for a second doubt his love and devotion to me and I know he wouldn't trade me too.

I'm also not naive enough to think my world would stop if he leaves me and I don't believe being married to him is the best thing to ever happen to me. We are happy because we chose be, irrespective of what the other person does or doesnt do.

Errrrr...... I was under the impression you were not enjoying your marriage. Oh well. It's good to know that I don't always understand everything I read

Seeing as you have a good marriage, why the desire to see it outlawed?

Oh. and I will say this. Being a person with selfish tendencies is good only if you are actually working things out. In my opinion being selfish is not a good trait. except once again, I find myself unable to understand what I read... so ..... there's that.

Finally, what the heck happened to Kanwullia? She just wrote a whole damn episode! Did she fall from the bed or something? She usually just drops those short spaced lines where one isn't always sure if she's joking, serious or sarcastic. Or a combination of all three and more besides

Lots of wonderful insights on this thread. Eye-opening for single folks like me.

KanwuliaExtra - Bosslady, I'm just reading your posts like ohmygosh, hmmm, wow!! Can you create your own thread and write/paste all your posts in there?

Jaszplus12 - Wow, you courted for 8 years?! Was this because you met when you were teenagers/late teens and you had to wait till you were older to get married or you met as adults yet still courted for 8 years 'cuz you wanted to be sure you were making the right decision? Hope that question makes sense.

LewsTherin - Thanks for sharing your thoughts too


Sorry for leaving anyone out; don't feel bad. Everyone in here has written great stuff!! Please keep them coming because I'm reading and digesting everything.

Differential:
Lots of wonderful insights on this thread. Eye-opening for single folks like me.

KanwuliaExtra - Bosslady, I'm just reading your posts like ohmygosh, hmmm, wow!! Can you create your own thread and write/paste all your posts in there?

Jaszplus12 - Wow, you courted for 8 years?! Was this because you met when you were teenagers/late teens and you had to wait till you were older to get married or you met as adults yet still courted for 8 years 'cuz you wanted to be sure you were making the right decision? Hope that question makes sense.


LewsTherin - Thanks for sharing your thoughts too


Sorry for leaving anyone out. Everyone in here has written great stuff!! Please keep them coming because I'm reading and digesting everything.

thanks for the mention
ah...we met during our first year at the university and of course poor guy/babe we had to work, run a small biz, do odd jobs alongside school and back then ASUU didn't help matters therefore 2 years was added to our regular course in school. one thing though, we had no one to truly mentor us about marriage else I'm sure we would have not courted for that long!
anyway we're happy and no regrets!

PaperLace:


I totally agree with this one.
Or at an older age?
Some people are lucky though _no serious challenges. Just the day to the day ones they can easily deal with and get on with business.

Not really. Even now that I’m still in my twenties. I don’t think I want to get married again if I were to become single.

.

wat i have red & seen wit my 2 korokoro eyes makes me scared of marriage

PaperLace:


Ignore him. The thread says challenges _challenges are bitter. The bitterness is what the thread is about, not bed of roses stories

About your nosey in laws, all i have to say is nawah o. Some silly family members are like that. Just do your own thing and dont mind them...dont allow your kids lack in anyway too.

KanwuliaExtra:


Unlike you, I have since learned to take what people say with a pinch of pepper.

Look inside the heart.

Marriage is a life sentence, no need to ask “how many years”!


Bondage na bondage, some slaves have no where to run to. Why trade “slave masters”?

God bless you for this !! ,this the d true definition of marriage.

The exact reason why I don ditch any idea of marriage, I can't make myself uncomfortable cos of somebody,I don't want my movements to be monitored,I hate phone calls .
parents and friends are aware ,I don't save their(friends) phone numbers(less than 20 contacts) .

I prefer sending texts to them(friends) through a group chat we're both on.

I tell my mum say I go adopt from orphanage when the time is right,she dey warn me say make I no try am o

If only women can be independent,I keep telling my sis to get a car,if possible a house and business (something to support your work).

Don't let any mad man tell you he'll provide shii for you.
Hustle your own make I hustle my own,nothing like two of us go hustle the mata,there's more to life than marriage

I'm a strong advocate for divorce(no time for nonsense), as long as nobody is turned to a pauper after the divorce.

Talkwell:


God bless you for this !! ,this the d true definition of marriage.

The exact reason why I don ditch any idea of marriage, I can't make myself uncomfortable cos of somebody,I don't want my movements to be monitored,I hate phone calls .
parents and friends are aware ,I don't save their(friends) phone numbers(less than 20 contacts) .

I prefer sending texts to them(friends) through a group chat we're both on.

I tell my mum say I go adopt from orphanage when the time is right,she dey warn me say make I no try am o

If only women can be independent,I keep telling my sis to get a car,if possible a house and business (something to support your work).

Don't let any mad man tell you he'll provide shii for you.
Hustle your own make I hustle my own,nothing like two of us go hustle the mata,there's more to life than marriage

I'm a strong advocate for divorce (no time for nonsense), as long as nobody is turned to a pauper after the divorce.

KanwualiaExtra so you still exist on this planet of Nairaland.

no one is sharing their personal experience here to help others, just opinions...
share na people

Maybe I can share my experience and it'll help someone!!!!

I've been married nine years plus and it's been mostly challenging. One of the areas we've constantly battled is with se.x! I seem to want it more and mr insists that he's too pressured by issues of life to give it constantly!!!! The lack of se.x leaves me grumpy and generally disorganized which of course has spilled into how I manage the home and children. This morning he admitted though that if I packaged myself a bit Better in terms of appearance perhaps he would feel more inclined!

One of the areas that has also proven challenging is communication, I took it for granted that myself and hubby would have the same ideologies and expectations plus outlook to life! It's important to listen to each other and pay attention to each other's needs!

Id stop here for now

What a nice topic. Thought this section has gone to the dogs eons ago.

I will say that different people view marriage in different perspectives. A strong willed man or woman can do without marriage. But there are people who functions best when they lean on each other.
I can say as somebody who have been there,seen what's inside is that though we are in shitholes in the name of marriage,that marriage is not over rated.
It takes the right partners to make marriage work.

Personally,I will love to marry again and to the same person. If a man only knows that his wife comes before his children and then family and vice versa, I don't think we will be having all the problems we have that are attributed to marriage.
Our men,sorry to say it sucks. Most of them entered into marriage to procreate and nothing more. More than 80% of Nigerian women in marriage want out but religion and culture holds them back. And who will marry them again as they can't possibly procreate and in our clime,that's the number one reason for getting married in the first place for the guy especially. The rich cries most. I have seen it all. Billionaires wives, name them. One very close family member said she regretted a lot. She can't divorce. Globe trotting from one country to the other looking for happiness. Funny enough what she passed through is the road she advised me to follow but as I vehemently refused it, she seems to be mad cos I wouldn't want to make the same mistakes she did. I don't view marriage as an average Nigerian woman sees it. My husband and kids are not my all. They are part of my life journey. My life doesn't end with them and I can't live for them.
I always make plans alone first, then add them. So also hubby. I hardly look for I love u sweet nothings. I rate you with your actions and I should want u to rate me with mine.
Marriage is indeed sweet. I won't lie. For me that have passed through the worst phase of the institution, I wouldn't have been stronger and better without the help of my spouse. Learn to prioritise, people. And thanks to our religious and santimonious places of worships. They are not helping matters either.


Efe, how are u and family. Coco, how are u all?
The way I write should tell u all who is greeting. I sometimes peep at ur usernames and has been telling myself I will say hi one day but I'm grateful the opportunity calls now.
Seems some changed usernames. Hi everybody.

I was gonna go easy on this thread not to hurt its feelings.
But I'm only going to get this one chance.
MARRIAGE S.U.C.K.S.

sassysure:
What a nice topic. Thought this section has gone to the dogs eons ago.

I will say that different people view marriage in different perspectives. A strong willed man or woman can do without marriage. But there are people who functions best when they lean on each other.
I can say as somebody who have been there,seen what's inside is that though we are in shitholes in the name of marriage,that marriage is not over rated.
It takes the right partners to make marriage work.

Personally,I will love to marry again and to the same person. If a man only knows that his wife comes before his children and then family and vice versa, I don't think we will be having all the problems we have that are attributed to marriage.
Our men,sorry to say it sucks. Most of them entered into marriage to procreate and nothing more. More than 80% of Nigerian women in marriage want out but religion and culture holds them back. And who will marry them again as they can't possibly procreate and in our clime,that's the number one reason for getting married in the first place for the guy especially. The rich cries most. I have seen it all. Billionaires wives, name them. One very close family member said she regretted a lot. She can't divorce. Globe trotting from one country to the other looking for happiness. Funny enough what she passed through is the road she advised me to follow but as I vehemently refused it, she seems to be mad cos I wouldn't want to make the same mistakes she did. I don't view marriage as an average Nigerian woman sees it. My husband and kids are not my all. They are part of my life journey. My life doesn't end with them and I can't live for them.
I always make plans alone first, then add them. So also hubby. I hardly look for I love u sweet nothings. I rate you with your actions and I should want u to rate me with mine.
Marriage is indeed sweet. I won't lie. For me that have passed through the worst phase of the institution, I wouldn't have been stronger and better without the help of my spouse. Learn to prioritise, people. And thanks to our religious and santimonious places of worships. They are not helping matters either.


Efe, how are u and family. Coco, how are u all?
The way I write should tell u all who is greeting. I sometimes peep at ur usernames and has been telling myself I will say hi one day but I'm grateful the opportunity calls now.
Seems some changed usernames. Hi everybody.

I think I know you.

You’ve been missed

EfemenaXY:


I think I know you.

You’ve been missed

Hoping to contact you by Feb. Hope all ur household are very fine. Missed u too a lot. What of edwife, I have forgotten most names.

KanwuliaExtra:
Dealing with marital challenges means:

1. You have CHOICES in a marriage and you are COMFORTABLE with the CHOICES you make or MADE.

Do you choose to be a FIRST WIFE, or a FOURTH WIFE?

Do you choose a ROMANTIC, LOVING FAITHFUL BUT BROKE SPOUSE vs an UNAFFECTIONATE, hard-working, NEVER-AT-HOME provider that is dedicated to taking care of family needs as a SPOUSE?

No one can have it all, you must CHOOSE.

Now, these are the REAL CHALLANGES in marriage.

As I MARRIED WOMAN, I have learned MANY THINGS to cope with a very SOUR marriage.

We all know what can “sour” a marriage ke! MARRYING A NIGERIAN MAN is one of them. The way MOST NIGERIAN MEN are “wired” is extremely faulty. Blame our male-dominant society that makes women inferior to men.

1. I WILL NEVER ASK A MAN TO PAY MY BILLS, so I am always SUPER-EMPLOYED and prepare for myself and family like HE DOES NOT EXIST.
What ever he can do, FINE. I will NEVER depend on any man. If you provide for YOUR own needs, less headache and arguement for you.

2. Never expect romance even where the sex is SUPER HOT. All na “shuku-shuku” and “snore” tins. Don’t be too sensitive or “needy”. NEVER GIVE MORE THAN YOU RECEIVE financially or emotionally, or you will feel “bitterly used”. Any spouse that does not make you a priority IN AND OUT OF THE BEDROOM, PLEASE, return the favor.

this is sooooo true. the more u r less dependent on a man,the happier the marriage. financial frustration is one of d problems of most problematic marriages.and most Nigerian men are wired to see women as second class citizens. if u ask them outside,they HV a good marriage but d wife feels d heat mostly. what do u want d wife to say? she know what will follow if she has a different opinion!!!

Nice thread! Marriage is whatever the two involved makes out if it.

Mindfulness:


After the honey moon period, you will learn to tolerate, not stop.
Honestly, marriage or any other long term arrangement has its ups and downs, like life itself, your career, your moods, your relations to other people than your husband. It is pretty logical, is it not? Life is made of contrast, between the good and the bad times.

Very true

sassysure:

Hoping to contact you by Feb. Hope all ur household are very fine. Missed u too a lot. What of edwife, I have forgotten most names.

Lol no worries. Household’s good. Hope you and yours are too?

I got married to the right person my only mistake was getting married into a family house....... We now stay in our own apartment but the memory of the past still hurt. I hate going to my husband's family house.