recently i just discovered that my husband still communicate with his ex girlfriend to the extend that the girl tells my husband any misunderstanding she has with her husband to be. they talk on phone almost everyday.
i called my husband and told him that it was not healthy to maintain a close relationship with one's ex esp with wat transpired between them but he said dat nothin can happen between them. and there is nothing wrong with being close to one's ex.
i am worried. i ve given my husband one month ultimatum to distance himself from his ex or i call the girl and tell her to distance her self from my husband.
please i need ur advice.
thanks.

Well i feel its all right to fidget because the love that faded away between the two could be reignited with the recent communication. You have made him know your stand and i think he should respect it. If there is a need to call the lady please do let her know she is trespassing and your husband is not a counselor to solve her marital problems. But pls do it with wisdom and maturity do not over react

You are giving the situation too much power by making a big deal of it. Befriend the woman. Tell your hubby that you don't know what came over you because she is such a nice girl. Befriend her fiancee as well. Maybe they are both nice, wonderful people.

^are you serious?

If the lunatic wanted to be friends, she would have tried to befriend the OP instead of talking to him in the corner. She knows he's now married, if she wants to stay in the picture, it's her job to befriend the wife. Rubbsh

^^^ when I read some useless advices(like nekai's) on this forum, I ask myself if the post was posted via the brain or a/n/u/s. It is shocking. Who are their councellor's? They need to stop paying these people, they are scammers.

Rofl.

Im still in shock sef

why not invite her to sleep in their home in the name of "bonding"

were

Nekai:

You are giving the situation too much power by making a big deal of it. Befriend the woman. Tell your hubby that you don't know what came over you because she is such a nice girl. Befriend her fiancee as well. Maybe they are both nice, wonderful people.

jennykadry:

^^^ when I read some useless advices(like nekai's) on this forum, I ask myself if the post was posted via the brain or a/n/u/s. It is shocking. Who are their councellor's? They need to stop paying these people, they are scammers.

Perhaps the little wink at the end wasn't enough indication that my response was mostly tongue in cheek. 

I stand by the assertion that the OP has blown the situation out of proportion by trying to impose this one month ultimatum on her husband. The issue needs to be settled with face to face communication. It's very possible that her husband could resent her for even telling him not to talk to his ex, pushing him closer to his ex in the first place since they will now have this issue to discuss between them.

If you have solid proof that your husband has crossed the line then deal with it. However if he hasn't crossed the line maybe you should just voice your concerns, telling him to mind his own business so to speak, but also let him know you trust him enough not to do anything that puts your own marriage and home in jeopardy.

There is an Icon for tongue in cheek. That first advice or supposed ''tongue in cheek'' was uncalled for and i'm sure even the poster would have had the same thought.

No sane woman will want her husband to become an overnight therapist to his ex. What about his wife's feelings? Why is the ex not communicating with her own husband?

Some men need to be slapped. This is embarassing.

BTW I don't believe your first post was tongue in the cheek

aaaah here we go again with women and their insecurities!!!!!!

@poster
FIRST let me just say that i dont believe that a man should automatically stop talking to an ex simply because he is with you. if they are mature enough to find a common ground to be friends after being a couple then great, why should that be a problem to you?! stop  trying to dictate what he can or cannot do. its called marriage not slavery!

SECOND has he done anything to warrant such insecurities from you? has he ever cheated? has he ever given you the reason to believe that he was cheating?

THIRD so you believe that communicating with your ex is "keeping a close r/ship with her"? what would you call it if they ever met again then? CHEATING?! lol

FOURTH you should TRUST and BELIEVE in your husband (unless he ever gave you a reason not to). he told you that nothing CAN happen and you should trust his words. not standing by him will only lead to trouble in a perfectly fine r/ship.

FIFTH your hubby told you what he believes in (aka there is nothing wrong with the act) but you are trying to change him into who he is not. you want him to stop being a friendly caring person because of your insecurities. lol. why dont YOU change to a better person rather than expect him to lower himself to your low self esteem level?

SIXTH giving your husband an ultimatum is not only wrong but immature. what are you going to do if he doesnt stop?! why do you think this girl will give a damn if you call her? she is HIS friend, and if HE sees nothing wrong in communicating with her then your business is with HIM not HER. your immaturity is clearly apparent.

^^ bullshit, why was he keepin it away from her? He knows wat he is doing is wrong.

jennykadry:

There is an Icon for tongue in cheek. That first advice or supposed ''tongue in cheek'' was uncalled for and i'm sure even the poster would have had the same thought.
No sane woman will want her husband to become an overnight therapist to his ex. What about his wife's feelings? Why is the ex not communicating with her own husband?

Some men need to be slapped. This is embarassing.

BTW I don't believe your first post was tongue in the cheek

@ Bolded: After rereading the first piece I understood how you (and possibly the OP) could have been confused about the intent, which is why I excused you for not knowing whether it was posted via my "brain or my a/n/u/s", and clarified myself.

It is of no benefit or detriment to me if you have believed anything I have written.

Back to the topic at hand. . . .

jennykadry:

^^ bullshit, why was he keepin it away from her? He knows wat he is doing is wrong.

what gave you the idea that he was "keeping it away from wifey"?
. . . . . . . . . .and even if he did, the way wifey is reacting to this small issue, i would understand why the hubby didnt want her to know about it in order to keep the peace at home (although it aint right).

the ex is having problem with her would be husband and asks someone married (close to her) about advices on the issues. where is the big deal here?!

This situation get as him bee, You need to cunningly distract your hubby with love show him you trust him unconditionally ( you and i know he cannot be trusted  ) no  more complain about the ex. Pretend you have accepted the situation and are completely not bothered. Do your pelvic exercises and Bed him with an attempt to drain his last Fluid nothing to give the other lady, initiate sex (very important), delete all i have a headache , show him this is his destination , I love ultimatums but there is a time and place for it ( I fight t win you see) be patient no matter how much you want to shoot them two. Do all this as sincerely as you dare.
Mind you keep your eyes very wide open as men and women cannot be just friends but you are the wife you got the power.
Gradually he will come home and ex will fade then cook his food with hotter pepper that normal, add some werepe in this shirt during the weekend not weekdays oh we need the money, show him consistent love and small small punishment till your pain fades but making sure you donot over do and be caught being wicked least he runs out again.

p.s i know how you feel but you have to fight to win when you gain his heart again then you can fight to punish.

MRbrownJAY:

what gave you the idea that he was "keeping it away from wifey"?
. . . . . . . . . .and even if he did, the way wifey is reacting to this small issue, i would understand why the hubby didnt want her to know about it in order to keep the peace at home (although it aint right).

the ex is having problem with her would be husband and asks someone married (close to her) about advices on the issues. where is the big deal here?!

Stop being a pain MR. If it was a woman ,I've seen you and your chariots say poo about her. I ask again, why is the ex not sorting things out with her hubby or seen a counsellor? does the man not have enough to deal with in his own house? dumb

recently i just discovered that

Nekai:

@ Bolded: After rereading the first piece I understood how you (and possibly the OP) could have been confused about the intent, which is why I excused you for not knowing whether it was posted via my "brain or my a/n/u/s", and clarified myself.

It is of no benefit or detriment to me if you have believed anything I have written.

Back to the topic at hand. . . .

Then why did you bother explaining yourself? 

Back to topic pls

Ex isnt a nice person, every sane adult woman knows there are boundaries you do not cross if you dnt want trouble. calling someone's husband evryday is too much. Husband is encouraging ex for reasons best known to him. Ultimatum? how will you know he has stopped calling her after a month? abeg just call the woman and tell her you are not comfortable with her calling your husband, tell her she should try and sort issues with her man even though you understand she and your hubby are still friends your husband is not a trained counselor as such may not be able to help her. its not only men that are territorial in nature.

@horny4u
your advice would be great IF you were 150% sure that the husband was cheating on his wife. . . . . . . . .and by the way, it doesnt matter how much you sex your husband, if he has another woman then he will always "rise" to the occasion. . . . . . . . .  especially if she has a body to die for. so my answer would simply be: if he cheats then you either leave and be happy or stay and be miserable!

jennykadry:

Stop being a pain MR. If it was a woman ,I've seen you and your chariots say poo about her. I ask again, why is the ex not sorting things out with her hubby or seen a counsellor? does the man not have enough to deal with in his own house

what are friends for, if not to help you in your moment of needs?! why is it such a problem that she communicates with him?!

you best read my post again on the subject then, i see nothing wrong in exes staying in contact, so long as they are mature about it all.
but hey, i am just giving my male opinion, i hope its not against the NL laws. lol

There is really no trust left in this world. Your husband should not, and I mean it "Should Not" be maintaining that sort of relatationship, it might start off innocent, but we all know where these sort of things can lead.

For those suggesting that she is blowing hot steam, Na Lie. Tell your husband clearly that you are not Happy with the relationship he is keeping, that is it making you very unhappy. If the girl needs someone to talk to, let her talk to her husband to be

Dem say na small Shiet dey stain Nyash

MRbrownJAY:

what are friends for, if not to help you in your moment of needs?! why is it such a problem that she communicates with him?!

you best read my post again on the subject then, i see nothing wrong in exes staying in contact, so long as they are mature about it all.
but hey, i am just giving my male opinion, i hope its not against the NL laws. lol

Normally I agree with your posts but this here is reetarded, sorry. *shrugs*

Like I said before, she should be trying to get to know the wife if this is all so "innocent". It's BS.

@ Poster, you have only shown your naive side and I can attest to the fact that there is nothing absolutely wrong with the way you feel. However, all comments well articulated, let me put it to you that you need to thread on the side of caution before taking any action(s) like call the lady or giving your husband ultimatum. You are lucky your husband has let you into the scenario, that is why you are feeling like a "Mrs. Bond". What if you never get such opportunity?, they would have kept on with their intimacy all in the guise of friendship and of course anything can happen thereafter.

I am sure there is something inherent in your husband that still makes this lady feel he's the best to talk to. Probably he is a good listener and a calm one at that. We don't know how you met your husband, how long you've been together and possibly where your weakness(es) lies. Making friends with the lady would not debar their ultimate action if the choose to so the best is for you to exercise some restrains, talk less about her to your husband and finally check for what are the things you used to do to get your husband's attention that might be missing in your relationship right now and correct the wrongs. It is obvious there is a missing link somewhere.

Dear, get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't mind talking with an ex, once or twice, but when it becomes everyday thing, then there is a problem, they might just be good friends oooo (don't get me wrong) with no strings attached. Just keep watching, the situation, before you blow it out of proportion, keep your kool first, until you really have a 'cause for alarm". Yahwah go kon gas!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

If they were such nice buddies why break-up,couldn't they have just got married

@OP,whatever you do,don't call the lady,that wud be making her feel important.Find a way to make ur husband come around.

Dunno why some guys find it hard to do as I do when it comes to matters like this. When a relationship ends everything about that relationship ends with it. No more phone calls, delete her numbers, delete all your emails to her, remove her from Facebook friendlist. Total erasure, no contact. That way issues like this will never arise. See how the husband causes his wife unrest because of refusing to let go.

OP, i understand your concerns, but you should think about the questions mrbrownjay asks.
retract the ultimatum. all it does is make the problem worse.
to me, i don't really see the big deal. talking every day is excessive; talking once in awhile is fine. and if the ex is having problems with her fiance, there is only so much advice your husband can give. if that is the extent of her reason for calling, don't give it another thought.
if your husband has sense, at some point he'll get tired of listening to her troubles anyway, especially if it's the same issue over and over again, and would have advised her (if he hasn't already) to talk to her man about their issues.

oh yes-definitely do not call the other woman. that would be the worst thing to do.

i want to appreciate d ff people 4 their comments: Feminine, Jennykadry, MRbrownJay, Horny4u, andromida, monkeyleg,ronkebp, ifyalways, bawss1, ajigglin.
Bawss1:Dunno why some guys find it hard to do as I do when it comes to matters like this. When a relationship ends everything about that relationship ends with it
Responds: i totally belong to d same school of thot wit u, becos dats wat i do.

however i ve dis to say to-
MRbrownJay: FIRST let me just say that i dont believe that a man should automatically stop talking to an ex simply because he is with you. if they are mature enough to find a common ground to be friends after being a couple then great, why should that be a problem to you?! stop trying to dictate what he can or cannot do. its called marriage not slavery!

Reply:well i believe in d same sch of tot wit Bawss1

SECOND has he done anything to warrant such insecurities from you? has he ever cheated? has he ever given you the reason to believe that he was cheating?

Reply:i dont trust him and he knws it although i ve not caught him red handed cheating.

THIRD so you believe that communicating with your ex is "keeping a close r/ship with her"? what would you call it if they ever met again then? CHEATING?! lol

Reply: whn d conversation bcomes frequent to d extend that his ex tells my husband any misunderstanding she has with her husband to be!

FIFTH your hubby told you what he believes in (aka there is nothing wrong with the act) but you are trying to change him into who he is not. you want him to stop being a friendly caring person because of your insecurities. lol. why dont YOU change to a better person rather than expect him to lower himself to your low self esteem level?

reply: am trying to mk him see reasons that it is not healthy to maintain aclose relationship wit an ex.

SIXTH giving your husband an ultimatum is not only wrong but immature. what are you going to do if he doesnt stop?! why do you think this girl will give a damn if you call her? she is HIS friend, and if HE sees nothing wrong in communicating with her then your business is with HIM not HER. your immaturity is clearly apparent.

Reply: i concur i shd not ve given him an ultimatum but i was hurt and was not thinkin right

lookin4luv:



SECOND has he done anything to warrant such insecurities from you? has he ever cheated? has he ever given you the reason to believe that he was cheating?

Reply:i dont trust him and he knws it although i ve not caught him red handed cheating.

every other thing you said is fair and makes sense, but that is worrisome. has he actually cheated on you, or do you suspect he has? why don't you trust him?
if he knows that you don't trust him, then he should be a bit more understanding BUT if it's not this situation, it will be another, so i would advise you two to tackle the issue that you don't trust him in the first place. giving the ex advice should be the least of your worries.

monkeyleg:

There is really no trust left in this world. Your husband should not, and I mean it "Should Not" be maintaining that sort of relatationship, it might start off innocent, but we all know where these sort of things can lead.

if you understood what TRUST was then you certainly wouldnt have placed it in this context. the only one who doesnt TRUST here is the MRS.

ThiefOfHearts:

Normally I agree with your posts but this here is reetarded, sorry. *shrugs*
Like I said before, she should be trying to get to know the wife if this is all so "innocent". It's BS.

again, this clearly shows the lack of trust on any r/ship. just because the husband has friends doesnt automatically means they have to be his wife's too. if the husband decides that he doesnt want them to know each other then thats HIS call and should be dealt with him. the ex certainly didnt do anything wrong, she has a friend and is asking advices about men/marriage to her married male friend. no biggie.

ifyalways:

If they were such nice buddies why break-up,couldn't they have just got married 

are you saying that it is a wrong to stay in a friendly r/ship with an ex? obviously, the poster's husband thinks not.

lookin4luv:

MRbrownJay: FIRST let me just say that i dont believe that a man should automatically stop talking to an ex simply because he is with you. if they are mature enough to find a common ground to be friends after being a couple then great, why should that be a problem to you?! stop  trying to dictate what he can or cannot do. its called marriage not slavery!

Reply:well i believe in d same sch of tot wit Bawss1
you are absolutely right, everything ROMANTIC should end, however it certainly doesnt mean that you should stop talking, be friends, be caring or understanding etc
the fact that you expect him to stop having contacts with her shows your insecurities about this friendship and the lack of trust in this union.

SECOND has he done anything to warrant such insecurities from you? has he ever cheated? has he ever given you the reason to believe that he was cheating?

Reply:i dont trust him and he knws it although i ve not caught him red handed cheating.
ALLELUJAH!!!!!! then you wonder why he would rather keep this conversation hidden when he has a wife at home that doesnt trust him. even if it wasnt the ex, you would find something meaningless to complain about, thats what the lack of trust does to you. so i suggest you work on yourself!!!

THIRD so you believe that communicating with your ex is "keeping a close r/ship with her"? what would you call it if they ever met again then? CHEATING?! lol

Reply: whn d conversation bcomes frequent to d extend that his ex tells my husband any misunderstanding she has with her husband to be!
so she confides in him and trust his judgment, BIG DEAL!!!! is it simply that you are jealous of their r/ship or what?! she is going to get married to this guy, remember?!

FIFTH your hubby told you what he believes in (aka there is nothing wrong with the act) but you are trying to change him into who he is not. you want him to stop being a friendly caring person because of your insecurities. lol. why dont YOU change to a better person rather than expect him to lower himself to your low self esteem level?

reply: am trying to mk him see reasons that it is not healthy to maintain aclose relationship wit an ex.
no, dont be mistaking. . . . . . . .  you are trying to force him into doing what your insecure self prefers. you cannot trust him and, therefore, you want him to change so that he can make YOU feel better. while the simple solution would be to work on yourself to TRUST YOUR HUSBAND. YOU are the problem, YOU should change.

SIXTH giving your husband an ultimatum is not only wrong but immature. what are you going to do if he doesnt stop?! why do you think this girl will give a damn if you call her? she is HIS friend, and if HE sees nothing wrong in communicating with her then your business is with HIM not HER. your immaturity is clearly apparent.

Reply: i concur i shd not ve given him an ultimatum but i was hurt and was not thinkin right
and you are STILL not thinking right. you want to force your husband to be who he is not, force him to disregard his friends because YOU have a hard time dealing with their friendship. it makes no sense at all!

btw: funny how you skipped the most important point (fourth) because here lies the real problem of your marriage.
without TRUST you will never find happiness (even if he stops communicating to ALL his friends).

ajigglin:

every other thing you said is fair and makes sense, but that is worrisome. has he actually cheated on you, or do you suspect he has? why don't you trust him?
if he knows that you don't trust him, then he should be a bit more understanding BUT if it's not this situation, it will be another, so i would advise you two to tackle the issue that you don't trust him in the first place. giving the ex advice should be the least of your worries.

i think thats not the way to deal with the issue at hand, rather they should find a way to make HER trust him. getting rid of all his friend to make her feel better is not solving ANY problem, in fact, it makes the matter worse.
- she has to face reality that this man will have contact with females, whether she likes it or not.
- she has to accept that the love he has for her will stop him from cheating.
- she has to understand that feeling the way she does is an insult to him since he aint doing anything wrong.
- she has to understand that some men eventually cheat simply because they have been accused of doing it for so long while they were faithful.

Bawss1:

Dunno why some guys find it hard to do as I do when it comes to matters like this. When a relationship ends everything about that relationship ends with it. No more phone calls, delete her numbers, delete all your emails to her, remove her from Facebook friendlist. Total erasure, no contact. That way issues like this will never arise. See how the husband causes his wife unrest because of refusing to let go.

Exactly. Friends my arse

Had 8it been a man who made this thread, people would have told him to kick out his wife but for this one they are coming up with idiotic excuses like "he's a good listener" gtfo with that BS

..

chaircover:

@poster first of all please dont give people especially loved ones ultimatums unless you have a good plan B to follow through if the other person calls your bluff otherwise you end up with egg on your face.

From what you have said, you dont trust your husband even though you havent caught him. You therefore have a problem because even if he stops communicating with the ex you will still have other sleepless nights; the busty girl in his office, the pretty girl serving him at Mr Biggs, next doors younger sister on holiday from UNI and so on.

I will say leave the ex for now (she will most probably fizzle away into oblivion in time) and focus on your relationship with your husband and both try and work out why you dont trust him & both work on the these trust issues.

Please Dont speak to the ex because you will only end up giving your husband and her much more to talk about & you are leaving avenues open for them to gang up against you; calling you the mad wife.

What you do need to do is making your husband understand that he is married now and it is in all your best interest for you both to select and keep only beneficial & relevant relationships.

All the best

Spot on.

From what you have said, you dont trust your husband even though you havent caught him. You therefore have a problem because even if he stops communicating with the ex you will still have other sleepless nights; the busty girl in his office, the pretty girl serving him at Mr Biggs, next doors younger sister on holiday from UNI and so on.

the problem is not your husband ex but your husband. you have no right to call the girl to stay away from your husband, it is your husband that is accountable to you not his ex, calling her will make matters worse your husband has to choose between you and his ex, you must stand up to the ultimatum of 1 month because if it gets to 1 month and you don't carry out your carry out your decision he will continue to contact his ex weather you like it or not thinking you will never leave and enjoying both women at the same time , that is if he is sleeping with her, but if he still loves you he will look for ways to resolve .the issue is communication it is the main key, or leave them pretend they don't exist if you communicate with him he does not want to change involve yourself in things you love doing to keep your mind busy or separate from him for sometime the choice is yours.