Richvkunt: debrief,
Like I once advised you,I am divorced too,but I don't come here to run down my ex wife because she is the mother of my kids.
You come here all the time to run down your ex husband as a monster without taking cognisance of the good times you people spent together,or are you gonna lie that all the time you were married there were never any good times?He was a monster every day,bringing young girls to desecrate your matrimonial bed?What about your own faults or were you Mrs Perfect throughout the marriage?
Every day you are here glamorizing divorce as if it is going out of fashion,trying to mislead young women who are trying to make their marriages work.
Got news for you baby-your divorce story is BORING!
As boring as your yarn about a 13 year old kid ma.sturbating behind you while you were baking.
I am done with you.
NEXT!

Google is a biatch. So this has been on for so long . This transpired on january 16 which brings us back to the same question, why hasn't any abused woman admitted to being at fault at one time or another ? The reports here are so biased which makes this thread potentially toxic.

LMAO

All I need do is register enough ids to like my post na today?

@free cocoa
Watch that guy and I mean seriously

slimyem: You keep missing the point!!
Thread title called on all who have been abused but got out alive.It wasn't and still is not gender specific.
Have you been abused by a woman ?
If you have,why not come out,tell your story here and let other abused men learn from it?

Why do you bother?

jennykadry: LMAO

All I need do is register enough ids to like my post na today?

@free cocoa
Watch that guy and I mean seriously

Really ? OMG! You mean some one would do that ? That means 8 fictitious ID's, He must be a potential abuser cos he has abused the priviledge Seun gave us to register on NL without having to go through the stress of biometric registration.
On a more serious not Jenny, I see you have a lotta single nephews. I am single too, please do something na I promise not to physically abuse them. You have my word on that.

debrief08:
Lol at pinching, he couldnt help himself, had to get physical one way or the other, the satisfaction of inflicting some measure of pain on others keeps them happy

And that is just SICK!

Important Question Alert - Please who is this IHEDINOBI and how do we go about cloning him?

Guitarlife in an ideal world, marriage should be till the end. The husband loving the wife and the wife respecting the husband . . .but we all know that we live in a flawed world and things dont always pan out the way we expect/want . . That is life.

I dont think that debrief is glamorizing divorce. she is just sharing a story just as some of us share the good stories we have with our spouses. It is her right. Initially when she first joined NL I was concerned that she only used to talk about her ex and didn't talk much about her present husband and felt that she was wasting too much energy on her ex and that the more one thinks about something that hurts us, the more it upsets us. I dont know if she took that on board or she was going thorough a phase where she had to get it all out but now she talks a lot more about the good side of her life and that I am very happy for. Everyone has a right to be happy.

Debreif didn't even open this thread, jenny did. Jenny asked some questions and debrief answered them. No crime in that. Jenny has asked me questions before and I have answered them. So why should debriefs be any different.

I am trying to understand what you have been saying but the only thing that makes sense to me is that there is no 100% liability in divorce. Both parties have some responsibility even if it is only 1% but for a marriage to work both parties MUST be committed. One person cannot hold the marriage so even if debrief was the best wife there is not much she could have done if her ex wasnt ready to make a real go of the marriage.

I strongly believe that what has been shared on this thread will help one or two women who are about to step into an abusive relationship pull back. That man who insists on going through your phone and deleting contacts off it and you think his jealously is love is going to graduate to other things. That man who slaps okada drives at the slightest provocation will graduate to other things, that man who suddenly doesn't want to see you talking to your male course mates will graduate to other things. We need to be able to differentiate between control and love.

Guitalife, I want you to look at the positives of this thread. For all you know a female relative of yours who is in or about to go into an abusive relationship might be saved from the trouble.

Many of the women here are wives. We love and respect our men. A good man will always earn the respect of a good woman. This thread wasnt started to bash men. we are not lessbianns. we have fathers, brothers and sons so we have nothing to gain from men bashing. This is not the romance section.

Sisi_Kill: Important Question Alert - Please who is this IHEDINOBI and how do we go about cloning him?

No need for that.There are many IHEDINOBIs out there.Out there they are called.."nice but boring"- he mentioned that in one of his comments.They tell them to improve there swags(translate=no idea),they are the back up plan..lol..nothing i never hear. They say they want the thrill,and sometimes abuse is part of the package,and I've stopped interfering in abusive relationships cos most times you'll end up looking like a fool..lol..just let them be,when they are wise enough they will leave..

This whole thing is a complex situation,we have been addressing the products of many underlining factors.Parents need to work on their daughters,and men need to show good examples to their sons.It's product of the war between the misplaced egos=LSS of some men and the low self esteem(LSS) issues of some women,and cheating,abuse e.t.c are all rippling effects.The fight against abusive relationships must start from the home where these girls grow up,we are yet to have a united front against this thing.Churches still preach submission,"man is the head" e.t.c,you cannot even tell if it is African tradition they are preaching or something else from the bible.And what about pastors that abuse their wives and husbands,and it was before our eyes a bishop slapped a young woman,and yet majority of his members are women..lol..(a perfect husband model).we will keep going in circles in this war,and for those of you who still think the girl is a witch,come slap my witch sister first,id*i*ots..the church,religion or whatever should be separate from the state,you cannot justify physical abuse based on religious grounds- he is yet to be brought to justice. The government is doing little or nothing,and of course they know if they do the law will start with them.

Don't give up shall..there is hope for our children!

Madam CC, I wasn't going through a phase, a friend requested for a long time that I come and balance the debates because she knows my story and even registered the I'd for me.
Truth is before I started speaking out, the general consensus was that divorced women and men end up miserable and worse off, but as I spoke out many others started speaking out, real issues started getting addressed instead of sugar coating and window dressing.
I served the purpose for which I registered which is to show that it is not all hell and you can rebuild your life outside a bad marriage.

There is no shame in walking out of a bad marriage or bad relationship.
If anything I am proud of myself for having the boldness to walk out and having the courage to speak about it.
As for not talking enough about my husband, a lot of women here already do that and I do that too a lot but not a lot of us here have walked out, rebuilt ourlives and remarried.
This is Debrief and not anyone else, My life, my journey my experince, I am not and have never been bitter, hurt yes but not bitter, as much as we love each marriage to be a fairy tale, a lot of them are hell on earth.
Like you rightly said, marriage is a joint effort, and I have learnt that one person cannot and should not make all the sacrifices, that is what I am passing on, everyone has his/ her own message I may not like it but I will disagree respectfully not impose my ideals on them

jennykadry: LMAO

All I need do is register enough ids to like my post na today?

@free cocoa
Watch that guy and I mean seriously

Point noted and taken, thanks sister.

Sorry you guys, the network really got on my case last night.

ileobatojo: ^^ Both are non issues as far as I can see. Neither were girls you 'loved or were in a relationship with'. The second was self defense against physically aggressive s.exual advances. The only problem was in letting her continue to hang around you closely when you were uninterested.

I get that. I just tend to give people benefit of the doubt a lot. It's easy for me to argue that she deserved my accommodating her what with having attended the same sunday school as kids. But I agree with you.

@Sisi Kill, like 9lifes said, there's no need, but thanks for the compliment. I can assure you that it's not swags that I lack. I understand the bad boy game, but I don't play it. While I don't normally preen like a peacock when I'm kitting, I do catch the eye with my dress sense. I'm not a prude, but I am not exactly a daredevil either - I would bore a bad girl and scare a prudish one. I'm just human.

I'm not the kind you'll meet in night clubs: I like to sleep at night. Doesn't mean I hate fun, I just hate regular "on the edge" "fun", my life is exciting enough without that craziness. I don't drink or smoke, I can't see why I should. I'm very red-blooded, but I am reluctant to get in bed with every hot chick. It's usually a struggle for me to "front" a chick especially knowing where it'll logically lead. I have s.ex.ual history but I don't like the thought of extending it before marriage.

I have a purpose for my life and it doesn't allow me to fool around. I like to hang out with guys and ladies who don't need applause and or boos to feel alive. That means that my circle's real small. If I marry someone other than the girl currently in my heart, I believe I'll discover them in or through work-related stuff. Because I have little respect and patience for airheads.

I am not the kinda guy that's impressed by "churchiness". Been there done that. Apart from my last, practically all my girlfriends were fellowship- or church-related contacts. I'm not "churchy" myself and I do not excuse any form of evil, not even if it's found in me.

I've described a guy that people deal with everyday. In a sense, they're like icebergs or the gold at the bottom of the ocean. They don't haul their sense of value in your face. They leave you to make your own summations about them but will quickly bond with you given half a chance. They live like work in progress so they're self-examining while optimistic about where they'll end up. This is why they easily repent unsavory or questionable actions and easily forgive too. They're not chained by rules but their lives increase in structure and order with each passing day.

I had to look back to get all that. I don't have a manual I consciously refer to to live like that. It's just kinda natural. Been that way increasingly for getting on six years now. So I'm not describing a guy I'd like to be, just one that I already am. And there's many of me out there. To find us, people have to come down to earth.

@Guitarlife, sir, while you may think that you're being balanced, I assure you that you're a hardliner. I read through the thread before commenting and indeed your perspective is wrong. I practically live in the religion section and fight the wars of religion more or less regularly.

The approach of "God hates divorce" presupposes that there is a marriage in the first instance. For God, marriage is more than words spoken and papers signed under special circumstances on a particular day. Marriage is an act of God, a grafting together of two human beings to become one in essence. When that is not the case, even though the ceremonies have been performed, THERE IS NO MARRIAGE. If there is none then a parting cannot truly be a divorce. If you want an argument on that, start a new thread and we'll slug it out there.

Again, abuse has many forms and all of them are lethal, but only one kind graduates pretty fast to end in physical death and it is physical abuse. In that one, men normally excel women. If that is so, then the fact that this thread is far more populated by women than men is in order. Your grouse with that is at best puerile.

Your continuer redistribution of blame is also quite annoying. Would you be doing that if debrief were a story in a national daily like the dead banker? Does a woman have to be utterly perfect for her partner to not beat her? When is a story like debrief's balanced? When its teller says, "but it was partly my fault because I refused to quit my job" or some such?

You know, you could start a thread to crusade for men, abused and everyone else.

9lifes:

No need for that.There are many IHEDINOBIs out there.Out there they are called.."nice but boring"- he mentioned that in one of his comments.They tell them to improve there swags(translate=no idea),they are the back up plan..lol..nothing i never hear. They say they want the thrill,and sometimes abuse is part of the package,and I've stopped interfering in abusive relationships cos most times you'll end up looking like a fool..lol..just let them be,when they are wise enough they will leave..

This whole thing is a complex situation,we have been addressing the products of many underlining factors.Parents need to work on their daughters,and men need to show good examples to their sons.It's product of the war between the misplaced egos=LSS of some men and the low self esteem(LSS) issues of some women,and cheating,abuse e.t.c are all rippling effects.The fight against abusive relationships must start from the home where these girls grow up,we are yet to have a united front against this thing.Churches still preach submission,"man is the head" e.t.c,you cannot even tell if it is African tradition they are preaching or something else from the bible.And what about pastors that abuse their wives and husbands,and it was before our eyes a bishop slapped a young woman,and yet majority of his members are women..lol..(a perfect husband model).we will keep going in circles in this war,and for those of you who still think the girl is a witch,come slap my witch sister first,id*i*ots..the church,religion or whatever should be separate from the state,you cannot justify physical abuse based on religious grounds- he is yet to be brought to justice. The government is doing little or nothing,and of course they know if they do the law will start with them.

Don't give up shall..there is hope for our children!

Quote me anywhere bro, 'man is the forking head'. Two captains cannot steer a ship, you've got to concede to a form of leadership I guess here in lies the crux.
I know there are men who posses an intrinsic evil proclivity. A tendency to continously inflict abuse both physical and emotional with reckless abandon. I even have one as my neighbor who is constantly making the poor girl wail when he's not around.
The fact is they are not even married but then she wouldn't walk away why ?
Well, it's beyond me. That is how a lot of casualties here failed to observe their man or rather they chose to ignore dire signals.
Just like someone said, men don't change. They only manifest. This is the fact some of you are still contending with.
How could debrief say with a brazen face that a man who abused her to such extent in a spate of three years left no clue while they were dating .
She is probably retarded then. But going by the precedent whe have seen about her , she is not. She only chose to ignore the signs.
Ladies that are not married, learn from these. It's called nemesis. Do not be ashamed to call of a relationship that has these signals.
We have a lot of criminally minded people nortured by broken homes already.
But then, they'd rather prefer to take the risk after being assuaged that jenny will after all open a thread for them to heap their vitriolic vituperations on their husbands and while garnering public sympathy too at the same time.

@ Guitarlife

I have never been one to go with the popular opinion or follow the crowd on NL for the cursory pat on the back I hope it would earn me, so when I do get involved in anything/speak up against something, I have taken "more than" a cursory glance. . .so trust me when I say you are on the right path and you are relevant to the thread. Threads such as this has been opened in this section to villify men as devils and put women down as lacking in self esteem, simply because they choose to remain in their marriage, but this thread is far from that.


Jennykadry opened this cathartic thread as a result of undergoing some epiphanic process so if you look closely again at the thread title and her opening posts, you would see she is here to ask questions as well as to openly seek for solutions to help people discover their inner strength, her heart is longing to find a solution to her fellow women's plight, etc so any rational solution is welcome, so kindly perish the thought that this is a pity-party thread for the woe-is-me-women-brigade"


Now once we take this out, all the other points you have raised is relevant and on-point and in line with what this thread needs to keep it balanced, so believe those people who liked your post because you make sense, because you seriously do. And what could be better than seeing that with the questions you further posed, even Debrief was able to do a quick retrospection and add a rejoinder saying "she knows she is not 100% perfect". . .


So hey, continue with your psychological profiling and gems you have been dropping on what to look out for during courtship, we are all ears, well that's to those who have ears sha. . .

@busybody, thanks for the compliment. The reason this thread has to be balanced is because this issue is too sensitive. Some people will only read this thread take the suggestions and run off with it. They might not get an opportunity to read a rejoinder, is it not fair that we don't risk misleading people while we set out to direct them.
You realise without a wholly objective analysis, we could be doing more harm than good right ? That is the reason this thread might be potentially toxic. Please tell me you get my drift.

Guitarlife: Quote me anywhere bro, 'man is the forking head'. Two captains cannot steer a ship, you've got to concede to a form of leadership I guess here in lies the crux.
I know there are men who posses an intrinsic evil proclivity. A tendency to continously inflict abuse both physical and emotional with reckless abandon. I even have one as my neighbor who is constantly making the poor girl wail when he's not around.
The fact is they are not even married but then she wouldn't walk away why ?
Well, it's beyond me. That is how a lot of casualties here failed to observe their man or rather they chose to ignore dire signals.
Just like someone said, men don't change. They only manifest. This is the fact some of you are still contending with.
How could debrief say with a brazen face that a man who abused her to such extent in a spate of three years left no clue while they were dating .
She is probably retarded then. But going by the precedent whe have seen about her , she is not. She only chose to ignore the signs.
Ladies that are not married, learn from these. It's called nemesis. Do not be ashamed to call of a relationship that has these signals.
We have a lot of criminally minded people nortured by broken homes already.
But then, they'd rather prefer to take the risk after being assuaged that jenny will after all open a thread for them to heap their vitriolic vituperations on their husbands and while garnering public sympathy too at the same time.

You know, I also implied that nobody, yes, NOBODY, knew that I could be violent. I had a very mean streak running under the surface that nobody ever saw. I think I inherited it from my dad who, like me, is smallish but the meanest psychological soldier you never met. Not that he knows it either. Being prone to rationality has a tendency to destroy emotional sensitivity.

I was the most romantic, sensitive, caring boyfriend my exes had, but I was also probably the meanest. I was what I was on the surface because that was who I wanted badly to be. And if you lie to yourself long enough, you'd start to believe you are who you pretend to be and a self-deceived person deceives other people the easiest.

As for there not being two captains in a ship, of course not. And nobody says marriage can be like that. Marriage is a union of complements. And complements are necessarily equally relevant. Thaz jes a suave way of saying that marriage is a union of equals. Anyhow, if the male is the captain, the female's the ship. Ain't nobody going no place unless the two are in perfect agreement.

If the man's the head, the woman's the body. Both are equally handicapped without each other.

I get your points. I hope you get mine. To cap up the first issue, deceit as to one's partner's true character begins from one's own self-deceit or self-ignorance. Which is why one other user and myself advocate learning to know oneself before tying the nuptial knots.

Guitarlife: @busybody, thanks for the compliment. The reason this thread has to be balanced is because this issue is too sensitive. Some people will only read this thread take the suggestions and run off with it. They might not get an opportunity to read a rejoinder, is it not fair that we don't risk misleading people while we set out to direct them.
You realise without a wholly objective analysis, we could be doing more harm than good right ? That is the reason this thread might be potentially toxic. Please tell me you get my drift.

I "read" you loud and clear. Funny enough I don't see it as a compliment, I just have zero tolerance for the untruth, halftruths and any attempt by the masses to muffle the truth


I also understand that Domestic violence or violence of any kind cannot totally eradicated because of mental illness which can descend on anyone at anytime, because of "juju" factor, and the likes, but it can be vastly reduced if more attention is paid during courtship, if single women stops being ostracised as "past it" and "on the shelf", if our Mothers start reorientating us that marriage is not all about catching a moneybag/big fish, a roof over our head, the title "Mrs", etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. . .


I notice pak too has been asking the right questions and shout out to ihenobi's and gongo aso's first post too. Funny its the men coming up with the salient and cogent stuffs that us women need to take on board before saying "I do" , lol.

@ihedinobi, I perfectly understand where you are coming from. I however am a lil disturbed that a few women on here are carried away by sensationalism.
Much more reading this would make hasty conclusions without an objective appraisal of this issue.
This is why I am thoroughly committed to balancing issues before we start feeding naive women biased info.
Let all the cast here always remember to add an addendum containing a little dose of reality check for unmarried women then this thread will be complete.
Imagine how heretic this thread would have gone without the generous dose of reality debunking the false claims of men changing after marriage that I randomly sprinkle to keep these women in line.
I insist men only manifest. No matter how pretentious a man is, the least a woman entering into marriage can do is to complete her assignments by opening her eyes wide cos if she allows herself to be decieved she only has herself to blame. Is this not a better cause ?
This is the conclusion of the matter.

freecocoa: I know for sure that he doesn't like getting angry cos the only time he has gotten seriously angry with me wasn't funny, he was almost crying while saying there's a place he doesn't like going and it seems like I'm doing my best to make him go to that place, I was like shioor what is he even saying? He kept saying "Desire stop trying to push me I don't like it, you keep pushing, why are you so stubborn"? And I was like "Tah you won't do anything ", he just left the house sha. One thing though is that his temper that day scared me, later I brought up how I felt about it, he told me that's why he doesn't like getting angry and that I should try my best to help him with that, I just keep thinking what if one day he gets to this place he's always scared of, what will really happen? I don't know if I should be really bothered.

freecocoa: My sister eh there's no point beating about the bush and asking if I need to be bothered, inshort I've been bothered since that day, although he hasn't done anything like raise his hand on me per se but one time he pinned me to the bed when I wanted to walk out on him, I was telling him to let go that he was hurting my hand, he did let go but not immediately, my hand pained me small after that and he kept apologizing and saying he would never hit me no matter what, hmm since that day hmm, well I'll talk to him about what you said cos this thread has opened my eyes to many things, I don't have to wait till he hits me to conclude but my major concern is that if he or any man hits me sef, there maybe casualties cos I no go gree.

At the risk of sounding like Guitarlife - I must admit that this thread does call for balance at this point.

Most of the women (with one or two exceptions) have been seeing red flags on just one side alone. Immediately I got to the first bolded part I saw my first red flag. before I continue, two things.

1. This is not an attempt to disparage Freecocoa's character. I know you are a wonderful person (That your interview pix was like . . . . .damn - sorry I digress). Nobody's perfect. I see myself as one of the worst douchebags atimes

2. I am totally (100%) against abuse. Divorce ? I don't like talking about it. My take is forget religion and do the right thing


Now what you did there was plain and simple, emotional abuse - A man cries like once in seven years (figuratively).
Men and women are different - Whatever would have pushed your boo to utter those phrase must have hurt him deeply, even more than any kind of physical force you might be able to muster against him. And your response ? that cut my heart , as in why

The second red flag I got was the fact that our resident analysts missed that and all canvased for therapy for just the man. I urge caution here. Emotional abuse is as potent as physical abuse. Infact, based on the account of most women who have suffered violence in marriage, It is the psychological effect of such incidence that does most damage. What that means is that both kind of abuse have the same effect - psychological damage to the victim.


In the other case, now I know you ain't married yet but, in some context, especially in marriage and some culture, walking out on your spouse during a discussion/argument is as close as possible to the ultimate sin, especially when dealing with introverted people - you don't just do that.
Western culture might be more permissive, but this is Africa (Wow, Am making soooo many assumptions here, I don't even know if you are in Nigeria or if your spouse is African, but then let's continue for the sake of this discourse).
Depending on the background of your argument, walking out on your man is a major insult.

My summation is this, I am not holding the man guiltless, anybody involved in spousal abuse puts himself in an untenable position. But in these specific cases mentioned above, me thinks you are as culpable as the other party.


Its such a shame that despite the openness of most on this thread, I still find it difficult to share some issues within my family that inspired this response. maybe with time, I'll summon such courage

pak:

walking out on your man is a major insult.

In fact, talking when he's talking is a major insult too right??

How dare a woman not do as her husband says. He commands, she follows.

Anything other than that, is a major insult. Only women can't feel insulted.

This is where mutual respect for each other comes in. Walking out on the other in mid conversation is akin to dropping the phone / cutting a phone call in mid discussion.

There are exceptions though. If one partner is getting abusive be it physical or non-physical, then yes, the bigger person should leave the scene till tempers cool down at both ends.

Nothing positive or productive can be achieved when angry.

Guitarlife: are you trying to say your husband is a drunk ? .

No I'm trying to say my husband drinks, just like I do. Seriously, are you that slow? So anyone who drinks is a drunk

There are healthy ways to use alcohol without abusing it. Even the bible is NOT against drinking alcohol, but against getting drunk!

Ok, lets assume he is old enough, but at what age will you encourage your sona to start immitating their father ?

As soon as my son is old enough to drink, I'll personally buy him his first glass of alcohol. I will teach him the difference between right and wrong. I will teach him self control so he can know his limit when it comes to alcohol. I will teach him to do what feels right so he doesn't bow to peer pressure because he has been denied the freedom to make certain decisions on his own!

I mean what age would you encourage them to start hanging out at night clubs and emptying bottles while puffing away?

I will not restrict my kids from having fun. Like I said above, I'll instill a discipline in them which, even in the face of immorality, will be strong enough to say NO! I will NOT deny them the relaxation they require . . . as soon as they are old enough to enjoy it!

I guess you wouldn't raise an eye brow if your daughter-in-law complained that her husband your son is a drunk. Why should you? Was that not the same way your husband his father treated you ?

I don't intend to raise a drunk . . . nor a repressed sanctimonious hollier-than-thou man. I believe the more you deny people the things they want, the more likely they are to abuse it when they get the chance.

My husband and I drink . . . I've NEVER been drunk and I've NEVER seen my husband drunk!

It is therefor impossible for us to raise a drunk!

And you are still here gleefully boasting aout it.
?debrief, I will like you to take over this case of a potential parent of an emotional abuser immediately. Delay might be dangerous

Yes, I'm boasting about having a stable man for a husband, who is not a psychopath like you obviously are. Who has enough discipline to act responsibly without being a prude!

Your questions implied that any man who drinks or smokes is likely to abuse his wife and that is just silly!

The cases of abuse I have witnessed are mostly men who are 'born again' . . Who are frustrated by the hell they have created for themselves by denying themselves fun in the name of religion. Who do they take it out on, their wives and children!

We still have a portrait of my parents dancing in a club in their younger days . . .

I always encourage couples to take time out regularly to have fun like they used to before the kids came along. What better way to rediscover the romance?

Anyways, why am I wasting my breath on you? You'll probably die alone with your cats and dogs as companions!

Thank you Pak for your contribution but the truth is that my boyfriend has anger issues and he knows that.
My response to what he said about me pushing him was because I didn't see any need for those words especially since what led to them were not that serious as he didn't even want to listen or believe the explanation I was giving at the time, I told him he wouldn't do anything cos there was no need to, I'm not trying to justify what I said or anything but I know him, in as much as he doesn't like getting angry, he takes things too serious and he wants me to practically choose whatever I say to him carefully which I already told him is not possible and he's coming to accept that.
I tried to walk out cos the argument was taking a toll I didn't like and if I stayed and continued talking he would have definitely gotten angrier cos I'm not one to keep quiet and swallow all what's being said without trying to defend myself, its not as if he hasn't walked out when on me before, why should me walking out be an insult and his not?
I'm not an angel but I know I'm not that bad either.

Shollypopz:
In fact, talking when he's talking is a major insult too right??

How dare a woman not do as her husband says. He commands, she follows.

Anything other than that, is a major insult. Only women can't feel insulted.

@Shollypopz - We are all different. As far as my memory serves me, I have never walked out on anybody before. Either senior or subordinate.
Why should I walk out on my wife while discussing or why should she walk out on me. I still think its not acceptable.

Efemena_xy: This is where mutual respect for each other comes in. Walking out on the other in mid conversation is akin to dropping the phone / cutting a phone call in mid discussion.

There are exceptions though. If one partner is getting abusive be it physical or non-physical, then yes, the bigger person should leave the scene till tempers cool down at both ends.

Nothing positive or productive can be achieved when angry.

I totally agree, unless it gets to a situation where walking out is a preventive measure. In that case, its more of walking out of a fight rather than a discussion.

I added a caveat earlier though, I do not have the full context of freecocoa's illustrations

pak:

Now what you did there was plain and simple, emotional abuse - A man cries like once in seven years (figuratively).

I have to disagree with this. Based on what she posted, you do not have enough evidence to say she was being emotionally abusive. What is emotional abuse to you? Arguing with a man?

Alot of people here are selective readers that choose to read what they want to read. I might go off point with this post but hey......Calling Jenny and her fellow "Cabal" feminists is just dumb. I am as hard on my fellow women as I am with men. There is this NLDER I am surprised that she hasn't said a thing on this thread and I hope she does not think I am insulting her by talking about her.

She also went through abuse and talked about it on this forum almost everyday. A day came when I asked her if the man showed any signs of abuse when they courted and she said yes but swept it to one corner because of pressure from her mum to get married. If I remember correctly, this man also hit his ex and told her about it. I called her out on that one and told her it was as much his fault as it is hers. You don't blame a man for hitting you or go about calling him names when in actual fact he showed you his true color pre marriage. I actualy blamed her more than I blamed him and since then, she has reduced the way she posts about him on this forum.

How many times have I been "Harsh" on my fellow women that choose church over their husbands? how many times have I been harsh on women who make husbands choose between them and their mothers? How many times have I been harsh on women who have loving guys as husbands but accuse them of cheating on them because they do not believe a man can be faithful to one woman? how many times have I told my fellow women off for bossing their men around just because God blessed them with quiet men?

Debrief has said it a million times that her ex never showed signs of abuse until he reconnected with his father, there are men that hide that evil part of them and there are some that are as plain as a book. Don't you sit there and say I show preferential treatment to my fellow women as opposed to men, how many times have I disagreed with CC, debrief and the so called cabal? You cabal hunters can choose to believe what you want but if you removed your eyes from your back yard exit, you will see that the so called cabal are as hard on women as they are on men.

This thread is for those both male and women that have seen abuse and came out alive, we are not here to find who is guilty and who isn't or discredit anybody. Funny how a few men here understood this thread right from the onset. Those ones have really earned my respect and I so wish they visit this section more often

ileobatojo:

I have to disagree with this. Based on what she posted, you do not have enough evidence to say she was being emotionally abusive. What is emotional abuse to you? Arguing with a man?

LMAO!!

U got it all wrong!! Walking out on a man is emotionally abusive

jennykadry: Alot of people here are selective readers that choose to read what they want to read. I might go off point with this post but hey......Calling Jenny and her fellow "Cabal" feminists is just dumb. I am as hard on my fellow women as I am with men. There is this NLDER I am surprised that she hasn't said a thing on this thread and I hope she does not think I am insulting her by talking about her.

She also went through abuse and talked about it on this forum almost everyday. A day came when I asked her if the man showed any signs of abuse when they courted and she said yes but swept it to one corner because of pressure from her mum to get married. If I remember correctly, this man also hit his ex and told her about it. I called her out on that one and told her it was as much his fault as it is hers. You don't blame a man for hitting you or go about calling him names when in actual fact he showed you his true color pre marriage. I actualy blamed her more than I blamed him and since then, she has reduced the way she posts about him on this forum.

How many times have I been "Harsh" on my fellow women that choose church over their husbands? how many times have I been harsh on women who make husbands choose between them and their mothers? How many times have I been harsh on women who have loving guys as husbands but accuse them of cheating on them because they do not believe a man can be faithful to one woman? how many times have I told my fellow women off in one way or the other?

Debrief has said it a million times that her ex never showed signs of abuse until he reconnected with his father, there are men that hide that evil part of them and there are some that are as plain as a book. Don't you sit there and say I show preferential treatment to my fellow women as opposed to men, how many times have I disagreed with CC, debrief and the so called cabal? You cabal hunters can choose to believe what you want but if you removed your eyes from your back yard exit, you will see that the so called cabal are as hard on women as they are on men.

This thread is for those both male and women that have seen abuse and came out alive, we are not here to find who is guilty and who isn't or discredit anybody. Funny how a few men here understood this thread right from the onset. Those ones have really earned my respect and I so wish they frequent this section more often

Just last week someone came here to run her friends wife down, did we not collectively tell hee it was wrong? Did some of the cabal hunters not even accuse us on being too harsh on our fellow woman? Did some of you not even get called names because you refused to join in and support another woman? Did somebody not say that if it was a man we would have supported?
Truth is that some people have their minds made up, Guiterlife, I took my time to answer your questions, I even further explained and defended My Exes personality when you inferred that he was demon possesed. So really what is the blame thing about? Classic abuser sign is always looking to shift blames, you started with maybe I was a nag, I wasnt, now I am slow, Well this is a list of my crimes as stated then:
1. I couldnt give him a child
2. I laughed too much
3. I refused to quit my Job
4. I confided in my father too much
5. I made him out to look bad by not getting aggressive and always swallowing poo.
Gulity as charged, I am who I am, because a scorpion stings me it will not turn me to a scorpion, whatever anyone does to me, I remain true to who I am, I try to control my emotions and will not become what anyone wants me to be.
I can say i have been cursed so much on this site but I hardly respond with curses, if that makes me slow in your eyes then let me be slow. I speak when I have a point but when it gets insultive I respond respectfully or keep quiet.
I made a good decision, stand by it and defend it, infact encourage others to do the same, I dont have to defend myself to someone who has not figured himself out and gets off from being judgmental and vindictive.

jennykadry: Alot of people here are selective readers that choose to read what they want to read. I might go off point with this post but hey......Calling Jenny and her fellow "Cabal" feminists is just dumb. I am as hard on my fellow women as I am with men.

Honestly, selective reading is really their problem. From early on in the thread, the discussion naturally progressed to possible signs noted before marriage and people here are trying to claim they are bringing balance? There is no novel view point they have brought that was not inherent in the discussions before, so please, we are not impressed. Mr guitarlife has spent the thread trying to apportion blame to the woman for choosing to marry the man but has refused to address the issues of people in currently abusive marriages. What exactly is his message? Because you made the wrong choice and possibly ignored signs you should surrender yourself to a life of beatings and early death? Where is the balance in his posts?

pak:


@Shollypopz - We are all different. As far as my memory serves me, I have never walked out on anybody before. Either senior or subordinate.
Why should I walk out on my wife while discussing or why should she walk out on me. I still think its not acceptable.

Nobody walks out on a fun, intellectual or serious discussion unless it gets to the point of hving a heated argument.

Shollypopz:

Nobody walks out on a fun, intellectual or serious discussion unless it gets to the point of hving a heated argument.

My sister thank you.
I see you have thief that guy's signature, ole

Shollypopz:
LMAO!!

U got it all wrong!! Walking out on a man is emotionally abusive

I tire o? Sometimes, in an argument it is better to walk away than to stay and be tempted to say the things that are coming into your head in the heat of an argument. This is where understanding and compatibility comes in. Even if you have been brought up to think that walking out is the ultimate sin, you should know that not everybody has the same upbringing. Instead of pinning the woman down, he should have let her go and then later they can have a serious discussion about their thoughts on how to resolve conflicts and see if they are ready to achieve a compromise or at least understand where the other is coming from. Walking away is even recommended by experts as a tool to defuse very tense situations so how it can amount to emotional abuse is something I find fantastic.