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Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. - Family - Nairaland

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Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 11:10am On Oct 25, 2012
I have never been cheated on or abused by my partner but I would love you to help me understand how you felt when all these terrible things happened to you and what you were thinking inside but scared of sharing it with people outside. I have come in contact with a lot of people who suffer from depression caused by abuse in their relationships so maybe you can help me understand them and their situation because I am finding it difficult understanding these things. My husband thinks I should attend more seminars to help me understand better and he once said that I have to have it at the back of my mind that...."people are not going to think the way you think, or act the way you'd act, you also have to know that they have lost their strength and if you want them to come out of these situations you have to find their lost Inner strength WITH THEM and take it up from there......."


I chose yous cos, yous have seen abuse, seen hell, died, woke up and eventually came out of it alive.


Question 1.

When you first found out that he was cheating on you (your ex I mean), what were the things that ran through your mind?

1 Like

Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 11:53am On Oct 25, 2012
Hmmm, Jenny, this early morning. Lol
Anyway, your husband is right, however before I start, believe me most Nigerian women by upbringing and socialisation and not taught to have any esteem. Our worth is measured in terms of your ability to grab and keep a man, a metality we have to break.
We married quiet young and at first it was heaven because he had just landed his dream job a few months after the wedding.
As I have said he started hanging out with his dad more, then we would still talk and laugh but soon I couldn't talk with him, I didn't want to tell anyone that my young fairy tale wedding was already having troubles, and I was told that "a real woman builds her home", load of crap I must say, designed to keep women foolish.
Anyway, when I started noticing lipsticks, condoms and texts messages, strange calls, I confronted him, then I could still do that. He was a little sorry, apologised and said he will "try" to stop. He went back and spoke to his dad because we talked and he decided to reduce his hanging out, well his dad said I was silly and ungreteful, I should shut up and be thankful I have a husband and not demand too much.
At that point I reported to his mom and my parents. My mom said I should pray, fast, be more patient, accomodative and not ask questions, that I should ignore cheating signs, his mom said the same, but called him and cried to him.
My Dad didn't find it funny, called him to talk and he started shouting at my dad accusing him of wanting to control him.
That was when the first slap came up.
I took the advice of see and hear no evil, it just became worse and more daring.
With wach case of cheating something died, so much that I stopped crying or caring, I just stayed because everyone made me think I must be doing something wrong and prayer is the key. Sometimes I told myself I actually deserve better but when I said aloud that I want to leave I was discouraged.
My dad after his first experience was slow to interfere till I left.
The feeling of finding out the first time can best be imagined, anger, betrayal, pain, and hurt, I cried for days, but I was told not to cry that crying or reacting will push him away further.
So I just stayed numb, trying to please and beg a husband to love me

2 Likes

Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:02pm On Oct 25, 2012
Did he ever tell you that you cannot make it without him ? You are a lawyer, did he make you believe for a second that you couldn't make it without him?

No insult intended. Your ex is a changed man now but I just want to understand a few things. Your replies will help me, I tell ya
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:03pm On Oct 25, 2012
First off, Thanks for replying yo this thread. Highly appreciated
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by EfemenaXY: 12:04pm On Oct 25, 2012
Lord have mercy!

Debrief, how long did this go on for? You say you were advised to ignore him and then he got bolder and more daring.

How much more daring did he get??
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:05pm On Oct 25, 2012
Efemena_xy: Lord have mercy!

Debrief, how long did this go on for? You say you were advised to ignore him and then he got bolder and more daring.

How much more daring did he get??

Story just dey land. Relax with popcorn and fanta wey dey sweat cheesy
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:29pm On Oct 25, 2012
Debrief, I'm sorry to hear what bad times you had back then. And yes, you're right. In Nigeria women are being abused on a daily basis, emotionally and physically. I would venture to say, within 3 miles of every home in Nigeria, a woman is being abused, they're staying put, because Nigerian society has conditioned them to be that way.

Such women blame themselves,when in reality, the men they're married to are the brutes, the cowards. A man that abuses his wife does so to conceal their own short comings, their inadequacies as men. They're bullies, and it's an issue that needs to be stamped out. It happens all over the world, but in Nigeria, there's very little an abused woman can do, because she would be seen as non-submissive.

Debrief, glad you got out of that marriage. Yes, I'll say I'm glad, I'm just waiting for the advocates of remaining in such a marriage, regardless of the harm it could do to both spouses, and children if there are any, to come cursing, and calling me a marriage-wrecker.

Bring it on!

4 Likes

Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:35pm On Oct 25, 2012
Efe, Daring enough to flaunt it and bring them home and demand for breakfast for him and the ladies.
Jenny, he did and I was told the same by my mum, that he is my crown and if I am stripped of my crown I will be bare and empty.
Did I believe? I was in my mid twenties, the people I trusted told me differntly than what I thought, I assumed them wiser and more experienced.
Funny enough when I refused to come home from the hospital he said they should leave me I will use my legs to come and beg.
After sometime, he sent texts threatening me that I will be replaced if I didn't return in a week.
The day I agreed to meet and talk, he told me to be greteful he still wanted me, after all I was second hand no man will want me and I was barren too, and that he hadn't even done half of what his dad did to his mom, and that I should be thankful for the houses, vacations, constant funding of my account and that I had the latest cars.
That he didn't fail in providing for me so I should be happy and content.
I write all this with permission from my ex, he wants men doing this to realise from his own mistakes that it is not worth the cheap thrill
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by EfemenaXY: 12:42pm On Oct 25, 2012
^^ You know something?

Having read your post, I'm so very angry I don't even know what to say!! I need to take some quick, shallow short breaths before I develop high BP. embarassed embarassed

1 Like

Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:47pm On Oct 25, 2012
So while growing up, did your parents every tell you that in marriage you have to endure? Because most of these people that console themselves got told by their parents that marriage is for better for worse, some were not even told but decided to go with the same advise we see and hear in nollywood.

You see, We grew up with parents that nailed it into our ears that abuse of any kind was not to be accepted or tolerated. My father once said that, one of the reasons he sent us to school was for us to be independent, have a career of our own and have no insane man speak to us like we were rif raffs, or depend on them for financial support.

I remember what a nairalander whose husband was abusing her once posted on her thread .....,(in my own words) "we never lack food stuffs. He buys us bags of rice, beans and tubers of yam, that is oneof the reason why I think he is very caring" ...... It makes you wonder what women have reduced themselves to. Look at you, even with a career you were told you couldn't make it and I Have seen some Nigerian women think this way but I always ask them one question......" what if you hadn't met him, wouldn't you have still paid your bills, accommodation, fed yourself? Weren't you doing all these things before you got married? What makes you think you cannot do it again, ever?"
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:49pm On Oct 25, 2012
Lol Efe calm down jor, this is nothing compared to what many women have gone through and are still going through.
What about my ex mother in law? 40 years and counting.
I had a few pity party friends, they are still going through this same circle and are determined to stay.
I am among the lucky and dare I say brave ones, what aboutthose who contracted diseases or those who were killed?
My dear, so you will understand my anger and frustration when women are adviced to keep holding on to a dead horse
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:55pm On Oct 25, 2012
Well Jenny, I am from the North, quiet conservative, and all my elder sisters were married.
Also understand that my husband was like a son in my family, no one expected this even him. My dad has always treated me like a princess, my mum was the one with the stay in your home mentality.
After the first time he had the ugly scene with my husband and also with my mums words he was cautoius.
But the day he spoke was the end.
About bills, luckily am smart and worked, had not just a job but a career, I took care of myself after the divorce without taking a penny from the divorce settlement, on the advice of my lawyer I fought but when the victory came I didn't want the money, but I had over come the fear I had, and that was the point of fighting.
I have always lived a simple life, the cars I didn't take, I bought another car when I left.
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:57pm On Oct 25, 2012
Jenny, let me take a break abeg, hanging out with my family. When I reach house
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:58pm On Oct 25, 2012
Sure no worries
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 12:58pm On Oct 25, 2012
jenny if you want a detailed breakdown why didn't you also ask me - i am hurt (sniff sniff cry)

only joking - i'm on my lunch break now but just a quick 2 cents contribution - more than 2 years after the abuse happened I still think about it at times and a whole range of emotions go thru my mind - after having my daughter not only was i dealing with lack of money, emotional abuse via texts from my ex, PND but also post trumatic stress - trust me being dragged along the floor by your indian weave is not beans.

hope to add more tonight
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 1:00pm On Oct 25, 2012
cotton101: jenny if you want a detailed breakdown why didn't you also ask me - i am hurt (sniff sniff cry)

only joking - i'm on my lunch break now but just a quick 2 cents contribution - more than 2 years after the abuse happened I still think about it at times and a whole range of emotions go thru my mind - after having my daughter not only was i dealing with lack of money, emotional abuse via texts from my ex, PND but also post trumatic stress - trust me being dragged along the floor by your indian weave is not beans.

hope to add more tonight

Maybe I should change my topic head. Please you are welcome to talk about yours. I honestly want to hear from those that came out alive. The questions I asked debrief is applicable to you also. Biko no vex. I would appreciate your comment
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 1:02pm On Oct 25, 2012
cotton101: jenny if you want a detailed breakdown why didn't you also ask me - i am hurt (sniff sniff cry)

only joking - i'm on my lunch break now but just a quick 2 cents contribution - more than 2 years after the abuse happened I still think about it at times and a whole range of emotions go thru my mind - after having my daughter not only was i dealing with lack of money, emotional abuse via texts from my ex, PND but also post trumatic stress - trust me being dragged along the floor by your indian weave is not beans.

hope to add more tonight

Shut up @ being dragged on the floor? Are you kidding me right now? shocked shocked

How long did you endure the abuse for?
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 1:06pm On Oct 25, 2012
its ok Jenny - was playing with you.


you do know thou the trolls and people who truely believe that a woman must die a Mrs instead of leave with start insulting us.

Anyway I have a wedding to plan for next year.
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 1:10pm On Oct 25, 2012
@sane people

Please ignore him and concentrate on the thread. kiss kiss
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 1:11pm On Oct 25, 2012
cotton101: its ok Jenny - was playing with you.


you do know thou the trolls and people who truely believe that a woman must die a Mrs instead of leave with start insulting us.

Anyway I have a wedding to plan for next year.

Aww congratssss. Tell me did all the abuse take place in Nigeria or outside naija? How did you get back on your feet?
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Johndoe100(m): 1:20pm On Oct 25, 2012
I have told you several times. When you want to play a fast one on people, you must use some iota of intelligence. It always baffles me why you do things that are so transparent. Anyway please go ahead, you and debrief and the others didn't plan this, you just happened to want to have a good cry about those brutes (men for those that are in doubt. God spare us from mad women, lunatics and rabid femi nazis. cool cool cool


[size=24pt] B U S T E D
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jennykadry: @sane people

Please ignore him and concentrate on the thread. kiss kiss

1 Like

Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 1:23pm On Oct 25, 2012
will have to get back to you tonight.

the abuse happened in Nigeria but I have dual nationality so left while I was in my first trimester, I saw hell during my first 3 months.

getting back on my feet - my dear its been hard going from having 2 or 3 long haul holidays a year to relying on state handouts is not easy - i secured a job with a multinational while in nigeria but he would not allow me to take the job and as a good wife i agreed.

But I am now back to where I was before the drama and God being so good I started working at the start of the year. unlike what some pastors preach blessings don't always come in the form of big houses and bank accounts - the help and support i recieved last year - BLESSINGS

any way I know i will be insulted and blamed for the beatings - thats ok
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by greatgod2012(f): 1:30pm On Oct 25, 2012
jennykadry: @sane people

Please ignore him and concentrate on the thread. kiss kiss

U are doing a good job here, atleast, some women get lessons to learn here.
@debrief&cotton101, i dont know what to say, but sincerely, u earn my respect.
@debrief,its like i've read ur ex's story here, i must confess, u have a good heart. Keep it up ma.
@ dt insane guy, sure, not everyone dt has access to d internet are sane, kpele, now,johndoe, can u see d effect of missing ur drugs now, see how u just dey show ur stu. Pi.dity in d public, i pity u oo, no thanks to d person dt do u like this. FOOL!

1 Like

Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by EfemenaXY: 1:37pm On Oct 25, 2012
Johndoe100: I just read all the posts in this thread and I had to laugh.

Only a sadist would laugh at the misery of others.

We all know you come from Aluu - but you seriously need to check your DNA. I bet you must be related to Joseph Stalin. For those who don't know him, here's a little extract...

"...Stalin had a violent upbringing. His father beat his mother and himself so violently that Stalin once had blood in is urine for over a week. He later asked his mother "Why did you beat me so hard?", to which she replied "That's why you turned out so well..."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Stalin


Johndoe100: This is supposed to be:

1. A thread that just happened to come about? Not something that the cabal planned in advanced and are playing out the script.
2. Women are supposed to read this and take action? Yes but what action? Become better Christians? I doubt that. How about become radicalized femi nazi's? Yes that sounds about right doesn't it? I mean we all know that jennykadry has always advocated that women should stay married no?

@debrief
I have no idea as to the veracity of your claims, I don't believe most stories I hear from people who so clearly have agendas. I would need some serious independent corroboration. You in any case could have brought your misery on yourself by your behavior. You are too biased for any reasonable person just to take your word for such things.

You know, evil is not just about "witches and wizards" flying to rooftoops / assembling in covens. It's more to do with people with attitudes like yours. I don't know debrief personally, but what I do know is that it takes guts, real guts for a victim of abuse to stand up and say: "No, this is wrong. Let others in similar situations learn from my experiences". How can that be a bad thing?

Besides, why would she lie about it? Is she being paid for sharing her story? Why make irresponsible comments here? Did anyone put a gun to your head to comment?

You give Ijaw people a bad name JohnDoe!

1 Like

Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by EfemenaXY: 1:42pm On Oct 25, 2012
cotton101: will have to get back to you tonight.

the abuse happened in Nigeria but I have dual nationality so left while I was in my first trimester, I saw hell during my first 3 months.

getting back on my feet - my dear its been hard going from having 2 or 3 long haul holidays a year to relying on state handouts is not easy - i secured a job with a multinational while in nigeria but he would not allow me to take the job and as a good wife i agreed.

But I am now back to where I was before the drama and God being so good I started working at the start of the year. unlike what some pastors preach blessings don't always come in the form of big houses and bank accounts - the help and support i recieved last year - BLESSINGS

any way I know i will be insulted and blamed for the beatings - thats ok

(((hugs, hugs and triple hugs to you Cotton)))

And NO. It's not okay. Only a frigging i.di.o.t would blame you for those beatings. Now get that out of your mind and chin up. Keep your self-esteem up and high about you girl. You need it for you and your little one.

It is well.
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by tasandra: 1:58pm On Oct 25, 2012
@ jenny,i feel sick to my stomach,readin all this stories abt some men..Ladies,i really bless God
u ppls came out alive..thnk God u av moved on.
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 2:05pm On Oct 25, 2012
tasandra: @ jenny,i feel sick to my stomach,readin all this stories abt some men..Ladies,i really bless God
u ppls came out alive..thnk God u av moved on.

I know, right?

@great

I think this thread is going to be their 1 millionth therapy session wink


@cotton

Pay them no heed. You are a strong woman, you came out of these alive. You left the country with nothing and made something out of your nothing. You chose to leave a life of luxury and live a life of your own.

You are strong and I love you

1 Like

Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by tasandra: 2:13pm On Oct 25, 2012
@johndoe100,are u serious did u av any sista @ all i am speechless angry
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 2:20pm On Oct 25, 2012
@debrief and cotton

Whenever you "girls" ( grin ) get home from your kpekus sessions please answer my questions cheesy grin. You may choose to not answer any of them if you don't feel comfortable.

1. What was it like being intimate with an abuser? did you people get scared that they would infect yous? Did you insist on some sort of protection? I have a client who said she honestly does not even know when he starts and when he finishes. This man has battered her like salmon fish.

2. Did you dress sexy? Seduce him? Cook good food for him Etc and did it work?

3. Cotton; were your family members aware of the abuse?

Debrief & cotton; When they brought these women not the house and in your matrimonial bed, did you ever exchange words with this women? Or were they feeling like he queen of the manor? Did you attempt to walk them Out of the house?.

4. How will you help a client transition from being the abused into A woman of valor?

Because of time difference, I might check back on this thread tomorrow but please give your answers. Some of My questions are actually coming from your answers.
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by Nobody: 2:25pm On Oct 25, 2012
@the sane people

If you have any question you want to ask these women, please do so. This thread is not for me alone
Re: Debrief, cotton101 and those that came out alive. Got A Few Questions For You. by greatgod2012(f): 2:32pm On Oct 25, 2012
@ jenny,, i hope so too

@cotton, im happy 4 u, at least u are strong enough to come out alive, some arekilled in it,at least Titi,was an example,had it been she was daring enough to come out of dt battlefield on time, she wouldnt be late by now.so i love u my sister.
@tasandra, dont mind johndoe, hes a disgrace to humanity, i wonder d jungle he came from or probably, hes an excaped lunatic from yabaleft,it will do him good to go back there and complete his therapy and drugs.

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