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Stats: 2,158,368 members, 4,701,086 topics. Date: Thursday, 17 January 2019 at 04:30 AM
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 1:03pm On Dec 11, 2012|
It is not anout being a saint Uju. It is about not letting a bad situation get worse.
When people do things you don't like say it don't pretend to "endure" till you explode like this situation.
I taya abeg
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 1:04pm On Dec 11, 2012|
I'm just going to assume you are NOT married!
But when you do get married, I hope you won't sit back and let your mother dish out rubbish to your wife in her own house.
I don't think the mum cooking for her son is the main issue her. If you read her post very well, you'll understand!
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 1:07pm On Dec 11, 2012|
debrief08: It is not anout being a saint Uju. It is about not letting a bad situation get worse.
Not everybody is confrontational by nature. I know because I can relate with this poster's person. I usually give people a loooooooooooong rope but the day I sanp, woe betide you!
If my MIL behaves remotely the way this lady's MIL does, I'll simply ignore her and lay ALL my complints with my hubby. But if he refuses to take action, I will. And God help them both!
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by sheweezy(m): 1:11pm On Dec 11, 2012|
So she has to tell her husband formally before the husband should know he ought to place his mum and his wife on their levels. Like seriously, use ur brain.it doesn't have to be formal.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by sheweezy(m): 1:18pm On Dec 11, 2012|
I don't think the mum cooking for her son is the main issue her. If you read her post very well, you'll understand!
Exactly, not just about the food alone
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Geomac: 1:32pm On Dec 11, 2012|
If i were your husband,you will always regret the day you took such action.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 1:47pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Uju it is not about being confrontational, I will never advice that, it is about being open when you feel offended. Don't keep it in and be boiling. Tell someone when they upset you politely, they may not even know they are upseting you.
Swallowing it till you get to bursting point is unhealthy
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 2:06pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Finally someone saw this issue the same way I did. Uju, God bless you. When I read this thread for the first time, the first question that crossed my mind was ...."where is Outstrip?"........she is the only person I have come across on this forum that gives advises on situations like this one, based on reality. .....and like you've said yourself all the saints on this thread.....
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 2:22pm On Dec 11, 2012|
What's there to learn ? Hehehe ask you questions about a story about an overbearing MIL and a weak hubby and a mumu DIL that just claimed her personal space by fighting for herself (just like you've adviced) but in a different way
Isn't going in her kitchen and cooking away not an example of her personal space..... Sorry o I'm trying to understand ' Kobojunkie's' version of personal space here maybe you can do that now.
There you have it OP at the bolded.
Now don't try to mix up stories here,
Bjcole tried to explained to you about his reasons and he said his Mother endured it and so what's wrong with his wife enduring it,
and if my memory served me right which I am very sure sure you blasted Nigerian Marriages that day and even your cohorts came in to pat your back about your personal space theory
remember somebody with 2 hands and legs and eyes and mouth to talk? tsk tsk tsk
She just used one of those features to claim her personal space didn't she ? and you're here talking endurance! Ummmm or are you just agreeing with the 'Nigerian way' just like that! Shocking !
Trust me sweetie I find your rants amusing and unusual at the same time ..... I'm not that less busy to start 'looking '... you're not that important to me.
Orisirisi bunch of hypocrites[i].... hisssssss and fire up the car...( off to work now )[/i]
Uju .... good job taking your stand jare, not that I agree with you tho.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by SapeleDon: 2:26pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Could not help but throw this in before leaving for work.
Strange as it sounds,this story really bothered me all through the night in a way I still can't place my hands on.
Men should be very careful about who they make their wives.
From some of the commentaries I have been reading from some of the females here I am assuming (A) they are either not married (B) divorced and happy to cheer another woman towards a divorce (C) simply to young to know the definition of MARRIAGE and everything it encompasses.
Just imagine a commentator saying after telling the husband and mother inlaw her feelings and nothing is done,she will explode.
I read that line and looked at my family across the breakfast table and cannot but bless God for my family.
Just celebrated my eleventh(11th) year wedding annivesary and so can semi-authoritatively talk about marriages,the intrigues and the behind the scene not too pleasant happenings.
Has my marriage been perfect?no.
Who is the chief culprit?me.
I had three weddings(church,registry,traditional)andat all the weddings,the same sermon was preached to my wife by the people joining us in our holy matrimony.
And that is KNOW now that by getting married to him,you are also getting married to his FAMILY and the wife should not only consider herself to be a WIFE but also a DAUGHTER.
Again let's go back to the posters narrative.
She got tired of her mothers inlaw constant complaints?but she could also be your mom,and I am sure your mom sometime while growing up complained about somethings you did.
Did you get FED up with your mother and start throwing a fit?
Wives comes and goes, but mothers will be the same and until you realize that mothers will always be in their son's life permanently,then you will keep having problems in your marriage.
Again,this brings me to the question of what kind of marriages people get into this days.
A marriage based on love and mutual respect not just for each other,but by extension to the extended family will always stand the test of time.
Apparently the posters husband's did not see this fiery part of her before making her a wife,as no man will sanely make a woman a WIFE that with total disregard to decorum,start insulting HIS MOTHER in his presence then use the work place stress as an excuse.
For the SINGLE men reading this. Please and please know the kind of woman you want to make a wife.
In this case the husband willingly or unwillingly got married to this woman,so should deal with the consequences.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 2:32pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Sapele.... How body and the girls ?
You better don't get worked up here for nothing.... This is just one of the entertaining thread for me
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by SapeleDon: 2:37pm On Dec 11, 2012|
@jidegirl my sister, the girls dey okay ohh. Thank you jare. I no know why this story dey touch me this way,maybe because I no get papa again and the thought say the only thing I get wey na my mama somebody go treat am like an homeless person nearly wan make me cry.
As this story pain me reach sef I don late for work lol.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by sheweezy(m): 2:55pm On Dec 11, 2012|
That's why its good for men to take their partners home and let the women get familiar with his family well before getting married atleast by then you will know a lil about the kinda person she will be. Just as we have monster mother in laws we also have develish daughter in laws who only believe mother in laws are witches as if she won't have a son and one day become the witch
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 3:29pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Sapele_Don: Could not help but throw this in before leaving for work.
It still surprises me how people just assume you are not married, just because you don’t share the same views about marriage with them!
So if your mum makes your wife uncomfortable in your house, and she has complained to you bitterly about it, and you do absolutely nothing, will you divorce her for losing her cool on day
I am both a wife and mother, and I speak from both point of views!
I CANNOT judge my DIL on how she runs her home. Yes I can advice and comment (if asked), but God forbid that I take over her home just because she’s marrying my son! As a wife, I’ll be very upset if someone does that to me!
If my son, who married her, is comfortable with the way she handles the home, who am I to complain
I will NEVER allow my mother make my husband uncomfortable in his own house. I'll make her stop! I would NEVER put my husband in the position where he'll have to quarell with my mother over something she's not doing right. It's my responsibility to fix it!
You are a ‘chief culprit’ in making your marriage unstable, probably misbehaving and make your wife unhappy . . . and you have the guts to brag about it
I applaud your wife. She possess the patience I don’t! A man like you must have learnt his lessons with me by now. I don’t talk much, i believe in acting . . .
Wives come and go abi? And you claim to be married in Church where you swore that only death will separate you and your wife. I pray your death is NOT near!
So here I am, asking the same question you are asking . . . . . What kind of marriages do people go into these days
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 3:38pm On Dec 11, 2012|
debrief08: Uju it is not about being confrontational, I will never advice that, it is about being open when you feel offended. Don't keep it in and be boiling. Tell someone when they upset you politely, they may not even know they are upseting you.
I understand that it is unhealthy, but people are who they are. It takes encouragement for people to come out of their shells to be able to be open about their feeling . . . Most people don’t get such encouragement.
I can’t talk back at my MIL because I wasn’t brought up to confront elders, especially people as old as my parents. But I can talk to my husband. I can tell him to handle his business and save me the trouble of reacting in the same unhealthy way the poster did!
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by SapeleDon: 3:48pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Will respectably crave your indulgence not to get me involved in whatever theatrics you have going on.
You don't know me personally to say I brag,was just making a point about ups and downs in marriages which in my case was mostly caused by me.
Especially in the formative stages of my marriage,I am too old and too educated to brag as I see no reason to do it.
I was merely stating an obvious statement of fact and I also see you like confrontations a lot,again I beg you I am not into that as you can make your points without necessarily being rude,insultive,sarcastic.
I do not insult people neither do I act like I am in the market square,dancing a dance of shame.
Most times the only place I comment on, on Nairaland is the FAMILY section as I believe it is mostly for grown ups.
Please pick somebody else to do your online battles with.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 4:01pm On Dec 11, 2012|
You can dish but you can't take eh
You argue that people are ignorant/naive and when you get called out on that, you turn defensive . . . smooth!
Forgive me if I mistook your statement to be a show off, but you did imply it . . . . Most of the problems in your marriage are caused by you and yet you still have a docile wife! If that isn't bragging, then I wonder what is!
Please go jor, if you don't want to be objective in your posts then don't comment a all!
You have interpreted OP's post as her wanting to turn her MIL into a 'homeless person' when clearly that is NOT the case. OP's just complaining about her MIL's annoying behaviour and you chose to ignore that! I pray your wife doesn't experience such in the hands of your mother. . . let's see how 'docile' she will remain!
Does it ever occur to you guys that many women who turn out to be oppressive MILs probably suffered the same from their own MILs. We should be thinking of how to break this vicisous cycle and not encourage it!
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 4:05pm On Dec 11, 2012|
jennykadry: Finally someone saw this issue the same way I did. Uju, God bless you. When I read this thread for the first time, the first question that crossed my mind was ...."where is Outstrip?"........she is the only person I have come across on this forum that gives advises on situations like this one, based on reality. .....and like you've said yourself all the saints on this thread.....
It's easy to judge when you are not the one wearing the shoes. As if people don't make mistakes anymore . . . .
"Let he who has not sinned by the first to cast the stone".
See all the men spitting from both sides of their mouth . . . . Mtcheeeeew!
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 4:24pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Ujujoan: @ Sapele_Don
Some people are scared of defending their own posts. Yeye
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Kobojunkie: 4:28pm On Dec 11, 2012|
@Poster, like I said . . . .
Kobojunkie: @Poster, like I said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are human and we all have limits. Your fuse happened to have gone off right in front of your mother-in-law that day. That does not then make you a bad woman, wife or daughter. You are completely sane . . . only now that you know that holding it all in is not going to help, it is now up to you to make changes now or let the volcano continue to build in you.
@Poster, Like I said . . . . .
Know that your daughters are watching to see what path mummy takes in solving/managing this frustration that life has presented her. Are you going to CHANGE things or are you going to give them over to the same old spirit of endurance that has left Nigerian women near helpless in the hands of third-parties like MIL, FIL etc.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 4:30pm On Dec 11, 2012|
I have two brothers and I know their kind of persons. They will not allow our mother treat their wives like trash or intimidate their wives. So because they have set these boundaries, it is okay for people to say that they don't love their mother? Nigerians and their backyard mentality. Wife come and go my foot. Why won't the men continue being mummy's boy? when our women are busy encouraging this nonsense.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 4:34pm On Dec 11, 2012|
.....and before the words twisters come and feast on my posts, let me say it here and now that she could have solved this matter in a different way but would I have done something similar if I were in her shoes? 99.9% Yes. I am a very confrontational person and I put people in their place when they come out. Respect to me is earned, I will not respect someone who has refused to respect themselves, I can only tolerate you. Your sons house is my house, you don't come all the way from the village or city and come criticise my cooking and the way I care for your son like he is an invalid when in actual fact he is an adult.
The reason why arrogant and rude Nigerians(Including myself jk ) are the way they are is because people are sucking up to them all in the name of respect, you encourage their behaviour and they keep riding on. You call them bluff and they retrace their steps. The problem here is not apologising, would the mother in law also acknowledge that she is as much to blame as the OP? or would she see apology as her right? ehn, I know some of yous will say apologise anyhow and forget about MIL's perception of it but the truth is, if people's nastiness are not controlled, they will keep hurting the one you love.
I am a human being and there is only so much I can take
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by 2sexy(m): 5:10pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Yes... I did. I am not married and knowing the kind of woman my mother was while still alive, she is very protective of her children and not after what a woman did to her first son. Mba..
My pain is the fact that she had the guts to ask her mother-in-law to leave her son's house. I am not married and even if I were, I wont take that from any woman. You know why? I dont think my wife can sacrifice as much as my mother has ever done for me... Till date, the thought of her not living longer enough to to eat the fruit of her labour still gives me sleepless night sometimes.
What I am trying to say is this, it depends on 'what kind' of mother is involved in this scenarios because I dont know about your own mother. BUT if it is MY KIND of mother, the woman that raised me from childhood, fought death so that I may live, starve so that I may eat, refused to buy clothes so that I dont go hungry at school even when her friends where buying then, I wont take such from any woman. NA slap be the first thing.
Another thing which I am very sure of is that I respect my elders, no matter what and I know I will not ever tell a mother to leave my house.
Ha... that is that is the height of disrespect I can not tolerate.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by phineas: 5:12pm On Dec 11, 2012|
@ OP its happened,dont flog yourself.Apologize not because u dont feel hurt,do so because its the right thing to do,and the first step to making it all right.Do it in front of her son,leave after for work,(give them both time to talk without you)come in later and have a talk about how it made you feel with your husband,Plan the way forward.
Use this incidence to set boundaries and discuss expectations also to really appraise yourself on how to be better.Trust me for those casting stones none of them are better.We are all a work in process,and lifes experiences are to make us better,not break us.
Lastly,Get a book on emotional intelligence,you obviously need guiadance on dealing with such emotions in future.Wish youthe best.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by plaetton: 5:26pm On Dec 11, 2012|
You have two brothers. Good . But if their wives , or one of their wives,due to her own insecurities, wages a personal crusade against your mother and shows blatant disrespect to your mother and possibly you,Would you still expect your brother to look the other way? Would you even look the other cos it's none of your business?.
The problems that women have with men is that they never take time to understand men and accept men for the way they are.They always want to change or mould men. The mother inlaw always represent a grave threat to that enterprise. Why? Because women fear that the mil, a woman like herself, can read her and see the pretence and shallowness that might be lurking in her heart.
That may be why most women feel a great deal of unease in the presence of their mils.
Marriage is afterall, about understanding, patience and compromise. If you take time to understand your husband's deep attachment to his mother, why would you not respect that? Why fight it?
Isn't it stu.pid to compete for your husband's affection with your mother inlaw?.
This is one of the flaws of the female gender.
You are jealous of everything.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 5:29pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Yada yada ....... why can't people just be real for once?
Nothing will never or will change ...... If you have a
these are people from different backgrounds that are trying to be one and make it work : MARRIAGE ! It's not a piece of cake!
like I always say boundaries boundaries and not in a rude way but with WISDOM( God bless you SELFWORTH ) .......
parents should train their daughters how to deal with stress , non violent crisis intervention and how to apply wisdom ,
nobody is a dummy or stupid but if you want a happy home and happy Hubby, you have to make some sacrifices.
( I just can't live without that Guy no matter how financially independent I've made myself), he completes me and I don't give a FVCK what anybody says about me being ' Nigerian' cos I am , even though I don't have the passport .
once again gra gra no do nothing! ( thanks Lagbaja)
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by baby124: 5:31pm On Dec 11, 2012|
jidegirl12: Yada yada ....... why can't people just be real for once?
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 5:36pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Baby are we still on for the shooting range? I need to release some steam! Lol
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by baby124: 5:40pm On Dec 11, 2012|
. Sure thing. NL will do that to you.lol.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Kobojunkie: 5:45pm On Dec 11, 2012|
I like the way the Bible put it . . . A man shall LEAVE his mother and father and CLING to his wife .. . . In marriage, mother and father essentially become second to your wife. Your wife becomes NUMBER ONE . . . . you protect her at all cost and you, in fact, side with her as much as you can.
I love how many profess to be in a marriage but blatantly ignore all the necessary REQUIREMENTS for MARRIAGE to exist and thrive. Kind of like how so many people ignore the fact that Jesus in the Bible, of Christians, said that those who want to follow him will have to leave mother, father, husband, wife, children, etc.
Again, in marriage, the Bible says A man shall LEAVE his mother and father, and CLING to his wife. By the LAW, once you are marriage you are considered near same entity as your wife . . . . Your mother and father no longer matter to the law since you are married.
What else is out there . . . So, this all comes down to common sense. Either you accept the definition of marriage by the law of the land, or by the law of Religion, or you continue to spout made-up rules(opinions . . . everyone has em) about the place of Parents in a marriage.
Again, marriage is about a man and his wife. . . . no Mother-in-Laws or Father-in-Laws or cousin-in-Laws but about a man and his wife.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by Nobody: 5:51pm On Dec 11, 2012|
Tiana155: Hello there, my mother-lnlaw came to our house three months ago, the initial plan was for her to stay some few weeks and return back, but she refused to go back saying they want to kill her in d village among other stories, my hubby said she should stay for awhile. Her son(my hubby) seems to be very important to her than our child, she always talks about how i dont feed him well, i dont cook well, how i dont manage money, etc. Just this evening i got back from work to find out that she washed his cloths, prepared his meal, my hubby sat down enjoying the meal and they were talking, i greeted my hubby and then my mil she gave me a look that made me explode, i threw the food my hubby was eating and shouted at her and told her she would leave my house, but my hubby said she would not leave. He obviously enjoyed all the care from his mama. Right now i am very angry i dont know what to do. Please advice me on what to do. I know i made a mistake throwing the food away and shouting at her. I am not a bad wife i try to take care of my family and i also have a stressful job. Thank u.
Where do there type of women who eventually become mothr in-laws come from?
The best advice I've read s far is for the OP to also invite her mother-inlaw.
And your husband. . . .just a coward.
|Re: My Mother Inlaw by plaetton: 6:00pm On Dec 11, 2012|
First of all, we are African. Every culture is unique. The bible is not our book, nor does it represent our culture and who we are as a people. Ok.
I am not, and I'm sure most Africans are not living in your bible fairyland. Your same bible says and dictates a lot of things that you would never consider doing today. ok.
We are dealing with our peculiar realities here.So keep the bible off this issue.
I wish you have attempted to contradict or repudiate anything that I had written.
Again this is the problem with you women, you prefer fantasy over reality. You are more focused on how things should be in Utopialand , than addressing yourselves to and agjusting to fit your current realities.
In most cultures, especially Africa,Marriage is about family, not just husband and wife. get that into your head.
Men will always be men. African mother inlaws will always play their roles, for good or for bad. The African family set up will remain and will always retain its most basic structures and expectations.
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