bellong:

From her post, I guess she is a counsellor. So she is doing her professional work, she can speak with the husband.

Even if she is a counsellor, she shouldn't talk to the husband.

passionate88: Even if she is a counsellor, she shouldn't talk to the husband.

Maybe I misread her initial post, thought it was an agreed thing. The husband is in the know of his wife seeing a counsellor. If that is the case, its not a big deal.
Even if it is not, it is not every man you can't approach. I believe she knows the man to be approachable to take such decision.

I must honestly confess to you all i started reading this thread of recent but i coudnt finish cuz i cud not withstand the pains you lady are passing through.
I cried a little and was extremely quiet through out today. I refused going out i just remained completely indoor. I never believed for once i am this sensitive.


I ave to tell u dat i ave learnt from your experience and would never want to abuse any of female i happen to date / marry in future. Infact am now a little be scared of that union called marriage.

Thanks to Op of this thread. Beside this is my first time of visiting family Section on Nairaland. And i must say the post are matured.

Thanks @all for sharing your xperience. I am more than gratefull. And to all ladies suffering in one way or the other please i think you guys should opt for divorce. I cudnt just bear reading the torture you gals are passing through.

bellong:

Maybe I misread her initial post, thought it was an agreed thing. The husband is in the know of his wife seeing a counsellor. If that is the case, its not a big deal.
Even if it is not, it is not every man you can't approach. I believe she knows the man to be approachable to take such decision.

I dont think she shud approach the lady's husband. Am scared of what the side effect wud be.


----
Gosh am seriously boiled with pain and anger reading this thread.

Later somebody will tell me their is God. Where is he wen this is happening? Let me just go calm down

Ymodulus:
I dont think she shud approach the lady's husband. Am scared of what the side effect wud be.


----
Gosh am seriously boiled with pain and anger reading this thread.

Later somebody will tell me their is God. Where is he wen this is happening? Let me just go calm down

Yesso, go and calm down a bit

I grew up in a very abusive home, my father had a very violent temper and constantly beats my mom with anything within his reach. 4 days to her delivery he beat her up mercilessly 2 days after her delivery her beat her up my mom had to run for her life and she left our new born brother @ home hungry for dat day he cried till he was tired and my mom just had to come back for her baby. The beatings never stopped, the neigbours always come to our house @ least once a week to seperate the fights or rather hold down my dad from beating my mom.wen I and my siblings grew up ie to second school level my bros was now our body guard,wen my dad wants to beat my mom he wld sheild her cos my bros was tall, my dad started using weapons like knives, shovel or cutlass to chase us or even hit us with my mom's heeled shoes( he is an engineer and well learned and exposed) so people keep wondering why he behaves like a mad man and we were not excluded from d severe beatings ooo! My dad use to kick me match my stomach till I moved out and sis got married! Fastfoward till now my mom is almost a grandma we are all out of the house, yet my dad still beats her till now.
THE LESSONS I HAVE LEARNT IS THIS:
An abusive spouse wld never change( my mothere said she never saw any sign of violence for d 2yrs they dated he kept it well hidding till a week after their wedding he beat her up) and it never stopped!
With continuious exposure of violence your kid may likely behave like him and wld learn his beating attitude,(my younger bros despite the fact that he was our defender then, nowthat he is a grown man he has a violent temper and I heard he beat his girlfriend.
My advice is LEAVE the MARRIAGE it is not worth it. My mom keeps saying the high BP she has was a result of my dad as she was always living in fear!
My 2cents!

lovelani:
I just saw this thread now and I think Its interesting... My suggestion may sound somehow useless and of no meaning to u, even pple will start cussing; bt I will say my mind. I'm a man and I hate it when a man abuses or hits his wife or wife to be... Get a nice dude out dere to keep your company and don't jst kill yourself of depression. You u see you are already having low self esteem. YOLO! You only Live once oooo...Am a xtian nd I believe in God. So pls nobody shld bring some kinda sermon to me...All the best Ma'm!

Oga!!!

Hmmmm...

This thread has really opened my eyes no b small. Thanks to swag queen.

xtassie: I grew up in a very abusive home, my father had a very violent temper and constantly beats my mom with anything within his reach. 4 days to her delivery he beat her up mercilessly 2 days after her delivery her beat her up my mom had to run for her life and she left our new born brother @ home hungry for dat day he cried till he was tired and my mom just had to come back for her baby. The beatings never stopped, the neigbours always come to our house @ least once a week to seperate the fights or rather hold down my dad from beating my mom.wen I and my siblings grew up ie to second school level my bros was now our body guard,wen my dad wants to beat my mom he wld sheild her cos my bros was tall, my dad started using weapons like knives, shovel or cutlass to chase us or even hit us with my mom's heeled shoes( he is an engineer and well learned and exposed) so people keep wondering why he behaves like a mad man and we were not excluded from d severe beatings ooo! My dad use to kick me match my stomach till I got married! Fastfoward till now my mom is almost a grandma we are all out of the house, yet my dad still beats her till now.
THE LESSONS I HAVE LEARNT IS THIS:
An abusive spouse wld never change( my mothere said she never saw any sign of violence for d 2yrs they dated he kept it well hidding till a week after their wedding he beat her up) and it never stopped!
With continuious exposure of violence your kid may likely behave like him and wld learn his beating attitude,(my younger bros despite the fact that he was our defender then, nowthat he is a grown man he has a violent temper and I heard he beat his girlfriend.
My advice is LEAVE the MARRIAGE it is not worth it. My mom keeps saying the high BP she has was a result of my dad as she was always living in fear!
My 2cents!

2s£xy:
Hmmmm...

This thread has really opened my eyes no b small. Thanks to swag queen.

2s£xy, your eyes dey open since! Else you for no see my sister Cathy!

Goodmorning.

Abeg o. No carry me go ooo. She from same village as me.

Good morning.

kreami diva:

2s£xy, your eyes dey open since! Else you for no see my sister Cathy!

Goodmorning.

xtassie: I grew up in a very abusive home, my father had a very violent temper and constantly beats my mom with anything within his reach. 4 days to her delivery he beat her up mercilessly 2 days after her delivery her beat her up my mom had to run for her life and she left our new born brother @ home hungry for dat day he cried till he was tired and my mom just had to come back for her baby. The beatings never stopped, the neigbours always come to our house @ least once a week to seperate the fights or rather hold down my dad from beating my mom.wen I and my siblings grew up ie to second school level my bros was now our body guard,wen my dad wants to beat my mom he wld sheild her cos my bros was tall, my dad started using weapons like knives, shovel or cutlass to chase us or even hit us with my mom's heeled shoes( he is an engineer and well learned and exposed) so people keep wondering why he behaves like a mad man and we were not excluded from d severe beatings ooo! My dad use to kick me match my stomach till I got married! Fastfoward till now my mom is almost a grandma we are all out of the house, yet my dad still beats her till now.
THE LESSONS I HAVE LEARNT IS THIS:
An abusive spouse wld never change( my mothere said she never saw any sign of violence for d 2yrs they dated he kept it well hidding till a week after their wedding he beat her up) and it never stopped!
With continuious exposure of violence your kid may likely behave like him and wld learn his beating attitude,(my younger bros despite the fact that he was our defender then, nowthat he is a grown man he has a violent temper and I heard he beat his girlfriend.
My advice is LEAVE the MARRIAGE it is not worth it. My mom keeps saying the high BP she has was a result of my dad as she was always living in fear!
My 2cents!

This is just sad..very very sad. I believe You can still help your brother before another woman experiences what your mum experienced. Please reach out to him and let him get help.

Your mum endured too much and its a miracle she's still alive, and for some reasons I think If one of her daughters finds herself in an abusive marriage, she might not advise her to leave because she endured an abusive marriage and came out alive.

It just seems like abuse has come to stay and the cycle will continue if people don't find the right help and support to walk away.. Its really sad.

kreami diva:


Oga!!!

Lol..I dey wow u shey? Siddon there o..

Any benin woman out there who has experienced such?

Those women are tough ooo. As in, it is rare to find them not being able to stand their ground.

xtassie: I grew up in a very abusive home, my father had a very violent temper and constantly beats my mom with anything within his reach. 4 days to her delivery he beat her up mercilessly 2 days after her delivery her beat her up my mom had to run for her life and she left our new born brother @ home hungry for dat day he cried till he was tired and my mom just had to come back for her baby. The beatings never stopped, the neigbours always come to our house @ least once a week to seperate the fights or rather hold down my dad from beating my mom.wen I and my siblings grew up ie to second school level my bros was now our body guard,wen my dad wants to beat my mom he wld sheild her cos my bros was tall, my dad started using weapons like knives, shovel or cutlass to chase us or even hit us with my mom's heeled shoes( he is an engineer and well learned and exposed) so people keep wondering why he behaves like a mad man and we were not excluded from d severe beatings ooo! My dad use to kick me match my stomach till I got married! Fastfoward till now my mom is almost a grandma we are all out of the house, yet my dad still beats her till now.
THE LESSONS I HAVE LEARNT IS THIS:
An abusive spouse wld never change( my mothere said she never saw any sign of violence for d 2yrs they dated he kept it well hidding till a week after their wedding he beat her up) and it never stopped!
With continuious exposure of violence your kid may likely behave like him and wld learn his beating attitude,(my younger bros despite the fact that he was our defender then, nowthat he is a grown man he has a violent temper and I heard he beat his girlfriend.
My advice is LEAVE the MARRIAGE it is not worth it. My mom keeps saying the high BP she has was a result of my dad as she was always living in fear!
My 2cents!

Wow, care after your mum now abeg. she is aged and cant sustain much due to her strength.
we had an agressive bro when growing up, he likes beating up the immediate girl child after him, my dad is this kind of person that believes in no spanking, but he didn't know where my bros go this from.
So he talk talk talk.when he travels, my bros will catch my sis again and continued where he stopped, also joined in beating another boy he termed stubborn by his definition.

On day, the other boys were bigger, he tried it on one of boys, they both tied him up and left him outside until morning the next day . Na there him craze stop. Until now, my dad still believed that he outgrew it or maybe his advise worked. He didn't know that my other bros did justice to his craze.

Fastforward, I don't know how he is living with his wife as we all miles apart but whenever he comes home, he behaves very well. Sometimes an abuser should be given a taste of his own medicine, ESP in Nigeria where the law is dormant.

xtassie. Oh my God. He is still beating your Mum till now? Uhmmm

xtassie: I grew up in a very abusive home, my father had a very violent temper and constantly beats my mom with anything within his reach. 4 days to her delivery he beat her up mercilessly 2 days after her delivery her beat her up my mom had to run for her life and she left our new born brother @ home hungry for dat day he cried till he was tired and my mom just had to come back for her baby. The beatings never stopped, the neigbours always come to our house @ least once a week to seperate the fights or rather hold down my dad from beating my mom.wen I and my siblings grew up ie to second school level my bros was now our body guard,wen my dad wants to beat my mom he wld sheild her cos my bros was tall, my dad started using weapons like knives, shovel or cutlass to chase us or even hit us with my mom's heeled shoes( he is an engineer and well learned and exposed) so people keep wondering why he behaves like a mad man and we were not excluded from d severe beatings ooo! My dad use to kick me match my stomach till I got married! Fastfoward till now my mom is almost a grandma we are all out of the house, yet my dad still beats her till now.
THE LESSONS I HAVE LEARNT IS THIS:
An abusive spouse wld never change( my mothere said she never saw any sign of violence for d 2yrs they dated he kept it well hidding till a week after their wedding he beat her up) and it never stopped!
With continuious exposure of violence your kid may likely behave like him and wld learn his beating attitude,(my younger bros despite the fact that he was our defender then, nowthat he is a grown man he has a violent temper and I heard he beat his girlfriend.
My advice is LEAVE the MARRIAGE it is not worth it. My mom keeps saying the high BP she has was a result of my dad as she was always living in fear!
My 2cents!

some abusive spouse change, all it takes is to tap into that consciousness of being a perfect lover, it's very unfortunate that daddy didn't. I wonder why you and your siblings haven't taken your mum away from papa, that is very cruel of you guys I must say and I don't stand to be contradicted. .
.
.
now, do one of this two things, rent a house for mama OR you poison papa. You are permitted to do both sha.

Les: some abusive spouse change, all it takes is to tap into that consciousness of being a perfect lover, it's very unfortunate that daddy didn't. I wonder why you and your siblings haven't taken your mum away from papa, that is very cruel of you guys I must say and I don't stand to be contradicted. .
.
.
now, do one of this two things, rent a house for mama OR you poison papa. You are permitted to do both sha.

Les........ Smh.......

My FIL never really beat MIL but he abused her emotionally and financially(MIL was the sole provider of the home). He chased women with reckless abandon too. The kids grew up,sent MIL abroad and left FIL in the east.Dude later retired to the village.

Now MIL came back from her travels and refused to relocate to the village. She je-jely rented a house in town and left the man in the village. She cooks and sends food to him at least twice a month.

As she would say,separate Paul from Barnabas!

Xtassie,how would ur children feel when they go to grandpa's house for holidays and one day,witness him beating grandma?

Separate Paul from Barnabas o.

xtassie: I grew up in a very abusive home, my father had a very violent temper and constantly beats my mom with anything within his reach. 4 days to her delivery he beat her up mercilessly 2 days after her delivery her beat her up my mom had to run for her life and she left our new born brother @ home hungry for dat day he cried till he was tired and my mom just had to come back for her baby. The beatings never stopped, the neigbours always come to our house @ least once a week to seperate the fights or rather hold down my dad from beating my mom.wen I and my siblings grew up ie to second school level my bros was now our body guard,wen my dad wants to beat my mom he wld sheild her cos my bros was tall, my dad started using weapons like knives, shovel or cutlass to chase us or even hit us with my mom's heeled shoes( he is an engineer and well learned and exposed) so people keep wondering why he behaves like a mad man and we were not excluded from d severe beatings ooo! My dad use to kick me match my stomach till I got married! Fastfoward till now my mom is almost a grandma we are all out of the house, yet my dad still beats her till now.
THE LESSONS I HAVE LEARNT IS THIS:
An abusive spouse wld never change( my mothere said she never saw any sign of violence for d 2yrs they dated he kept it well hidding till a week after their wedding he beat her up) and it never stopped!
With continuious exposure of violence your kid may likely behave like him and wld learn his beating attitude,(my younger bros despite the fact that he was our defender then, nowthat he is a grown man he has a violent temper and I heard he beat his girlfriend.
My advice is LEAVE the MARRIAGE it is not worth it. My mom keeps saying the high BP she has was a result of my dad as she was always living in fear!
My 2cents!

Wow! Xtassie. Please, you all need to work of moving your mom out of that house please. Don't wait for him to actually kill her o. Her body is much more fragile at this age.

Also reach out to your brother and try to help him too, very very unfortunate how he turned out.

An abusive spouse wld never change( my mothere said she never saw any sign of violence for d 2yrs they dated he kept it well hidding till a week after their wedding he beat her up) and it never stopped!

This part underscores the importance of being able to understand the early signs. I'm sure there were many other signs though he didn't beat her before marriage. Unfortunately, even despite this thread, many people still can't recognize suspicious signs for abuse which just tells me that many women will still marry abusers. Hopefully, there are some single women out there reading who will be saved from the trap of an abuser by knowing and recognizing the warning signs.

C me crying as if it were my dear mum that is in this mess. I don't know what to type.
Pls can u guys take her with u?
Don't rent a house for her,just take her to enjoy her life at least small away from him.
If there is nobody to look after ur dad, employ somebody but for christ's sake, u guys would hv put an end to this long long ago. Or una dey fear him too.
Hv u not seen were children gang up against one of their parents who is an abuser?
Chei, e de pain me bad.
This mama has suffered.

The funny and unfortunate thing about some women in abusive relationships is that they see nothing wrong in the abuse. They will tell you that it is his way of expressing his love. He wouldn't do that if he doesn't love her bla bla bla. They will even tell you that they love their abusive boyfriends too much to leave him and he promised to change.

A relative of mine was once in such. The guy was/is well to do and I was convinced within me that this girl was bent on going with the guy because of his money. The guy is younger than I am and at the time was still struggling to find my feet in life. The day I met the guy, I knew he wasn't right and I tried my all to dissuade this girl from marrying him. At a point, I was termed "person wey his own don spoil dey look for company". I kept my peace when I discovered I was becoming an enemy of progress according to them.


It is painful that today, after two children, she is back to her parent's house with the kids. The guy doesn't even care about the children. After battering and sending her packing, he is now on to the next victim.

There is little people can do to help those in abusive relationships. The decision lies with them to sync their brain and heart in saving their future from destruction.

Xtassie, please heed the advise of people here for the sake of mummy.

Here is a story of my aunt. I grew up to know her as very compassionate woman; loving, caring and very accommodating. She was very fond of me as a kid and that probably made me to a have soft spot for even till now.

She married a man she loved and had kid of about 7 for him. He was in the airforce and they stayed at the barracks in Ikeja back in the days.

After some years, they moved to Benin to permanently stay. News started reaching us how the man would date different girls and slept with them, even when his children were grown up. If my aunt question him, he would resort to beating and fight and sometimes family would have to intervene.

Over 4 years ago, her son-in-law bought something for her; I can't really remember bought it was quite expensive. This man had to pick on that because she had attended a function the previous day and came back in the morning. A quarrel ensued and he beat her and left her on ground thinking she fainted or just pretending.

Someone had come in to find her there lifeless; She Died!

That was the end of my adorable aunt .

chaircover:

I may be misinformed/naive or whatever, but deep within me, I still believe that an abuser has it within him/her from long ago. I dont think that people just wake up one morning and become abusers overnight. They can try to hide it but they cant fully erase all traces of it.

As a man you need to be a certain kind of person to be able to repeatedly slap, kick and punch the mother of your children and the woman you lie in bed with and this sick behavior will def spill into and be evident in other areas of your life. Someone with an anger problem will have issues at work, driving, neighbors, his own family members etc . . . . you even see them here on NL . . any little thing they are cursing and swearing. . . .but many a time we ignore these things and say, so long as he is not doing it to us until one day he shifts his anger to you, by then its too late.

My appeal is that single ladies/men should please focus more on the character of a man/woman over anything else

Traces of that abound but we normally overlook them cos we r so blindly in lv.
For how long can one hide his or her true color? Women r after the money and flashy things while me r taken by the boo*bs and nyash thing they always forgot to use their brain.
But then again, it will be easier for one who hv suffered from such to detect d early signals.


I will give some scenerios of some of d guys that approached me for marriage.
One told me I should not go to the university. Waste of time. And I Must learn to be a tailor not salonist.
Another, started by telling me about a mansion he is building after introducing himself(the house in question was like EOD in my place and talk of the town)
One always send his boys to come and deliver goods at my doorstep.
One is a pastor, he gave me rules to follow.
There is one that told me that nigerian gals sucks(he stays in US)and our schools r rubbish(he found out we studied d same course).
The last one I can remember was my one and only boyfriend for yrs, so charismatic and too good. Pple said heaven has already signed. I know he can emotionaly blackmail(this type that will do something bad to u but at d end u end up saying sorry all d time). I can't count up to how many times he has ever said sorry. The day he slapped me, boy, I ran and continued running till I gat married cos he was begging that I should come back let's tie d knots.

Why I wrote this is bc to some, those things r normal but to me, that danger lurking and I don't want to take any chance.

So ther red flags r mostly there. We simply choose to ignore them.

2s£xy:


She married a man she loved and had kid of about 7 for him. [b]He was in the airforce [/b]and they stayed at the barracks in Ikeja back in the days.

Over 4 years ago, her son-in-law bought something for her; I can't really remember bought it was quite expensive. This man had to pick on that because she had attended a function the previous day and came back in the morning. A quarrel ensued and he beat her and left her on ground thinking she fainted or just pretending.

Someone had come in to find her there lifeless; She Died!

That was the end of my adorable aunt .

If he was still in the Airforce at the time he was battering your aunt, she must have indulged him. The military does not take lightly spousal abuse. If she had reported to higher authority, he would have been dealt with severely. One of the reasons why wives of military personnel do not report their abusive husbands is because the husband's rank will be demoted by a step among other punishments. These women also enjoy the influence of their husbands' rank, so they prefer suffering in secret than reporting the husbands.

It is a painful thing. Sorry about your aunt.

chaircover:

I am from a military background and I know that they beat their wives wella. I remember my mum begging me not to ever go out with or marry a soldier and no officer no matter how young, handsome, ranked were you was allowed anywhere near our house back in the day.

I think the problem stems from many of them drinking in their officers messes and then get home drunk and beat up their wives.

Many of them also for some bizarre reason dont marry educated women and many are housewives, maybe because they have to up and follow their husbands on postings all over the country so they dont work leaving so many openings for them to get abused by her more eloquent and educated husband.

I am not denying that military men beat their wives. What I am saying is that most of them keep quiet over the issue and never reported to higher authorities for appropriate sanctions.

He had left the Airforce(Navy) at that time. I can't say if she ever reported him and if I can remember vividly, things seemed peaceful until when he moved to Benin.

May be he has been beating her while they were in Lagos but news got out when they got to Benin.

Too bad...

bellong:

If he was still in the Airforce at the time he was battering your aunt, she must have indulged him. The military does not take lightly spousal abuse. If she had reported to higher authority, he would have been dealt with severely. One of the reasons why wives of military personnel do not report their abusive husbands is because the husband's rank will be demoted by a step among other punishments. These women also enjoy the influence of their husbands' rank, so they prefer suffering in secret than reporting the husbands.

It is a painful thing. Sorry about your aunt.

bellong:

I am not denying that military men beat their wives. What I am saying is that most of them keep quiet over the issue and never reported to higher authorities for appropriate sanctions.

I had a school friend in secondary school, she was lost for five days, I saw her the following week with fresh scars and the purple ointment used for treatment those days(forgotten the name). Anyway, she said she left the ring boiler on and went to gist, later the boiler melted a part of the rubber bucket. The dad came back and switched off the appliance , called her, put her in the car and off to meet some junior colleagues of his to deal with her.

They locked her in a cell for 5days.
This was someone still in secondary school..maybe SS2. Her mum couldn't beg because she would join the daughter in the cell. All she did was to bring food for her.

Abuse in the military is the worse you can imagine.
Majority of our military personnel are so heartless. After that incident, as a military man/lady, our friendship is with a long pole o. I no wan hear story.