Unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world whereby all the people are madly in love with their spouses and cant afford to look at another or divorce irrespective of the type of marriage polygyny, polygamy, monogamy, polyandry, etc.
and people of different faith either Muslims, Christians or even atheist divorce. Unfortunately we can't throw people into jail for divorcing their spouses. The best is the men/women pay. In fact some men/women will be willing to compensate with all their wealth

In most divorce cases it's usually not fair on one party but that's what it is.

smh...I give up

aishaquest: smh...I give up

What do you want?

How do you want to legislate for a man not wanting a woman anymore or the other way round?

I am interested in your views.

tbaba1234:

What do you want?

How do you want to legislate for a man not wanting a woman anymore or the other way round?

I am interested in your views.

I guess my problem is that sometimes I find Islam beautiful. Then there are times when I find it's practicality cold and calculating. It is confusing to me. I don't know how to take it sometimes. Maybe this frightens me.

Sissie:

She's allowed to divorce him for different reasons I.e abuse, If he doesn't satisfy her sexually, if he doesn't take care of his responsibility, if he marries another and she doesn't want polygyny, if she doesn't find him attractive and fear she might commit sin due to it I.e adultery, if they are incompatible etc.

Thanks for the reply. So like what oaths do they take during the wedding? is it like for better for worse till death us do part?

aishaquest: I was drawn to this thread because I have some of the same questions and concerns. I started reading and even copied a few quotes in readiness for a reply and some questions of my own. I only made it about halfway through the thread before I just felt too depressed to continue.


How is someone like me, who is new and knows little about Islam supposed to continue struggling to understand and assimilate, when people who have been Muslims their whole lives have fears and doubts.


Sometimes I think I would have been better off staying away from the Islam Section. Fulaman198 is making some sense, but even so I feel like I've all but lost the great hope I had in Islam. It saddens me, because I know I felt the rightness of it so strongly at first.

Salam alaikum sister,
I saw this your post and it really saddened my heart. Though fears like these are inevitable but the truth remains that all the issues have been addressed appropriately by the contributors so far.
But I will strongly advice you that you should not be deterred and continue with the strong iman(faith) which you started Islam with.
Yes coming here has its advantages and also it's disadvantages. This is due to the fact that we have many Muslims here with different ideologies and it will really take someone who understands Islam deeply to decipher and understand some issues. I will also advice that you find a very good Islamic scholar to learn from, listen to good Islamic lectures that will teach you Islam. Mufti Ismaeel menk Dr bilal Philips Dr zakir naik etc will really help. In Nigeria we have Dr paiko, Abu Nasir, Dr Alaro etc will do you a lot of good.
you can also visit this site it's exclusively for Islamic lectures www.dawahnigeria.com
I pray Allah be with you and please never lose hope in Islam.
Jazakumullah Khairan

aishaquest:




These two posts mirror my thoughts, and make me wonder what does "paradise" offer women really?....other than NOT falling into the punishment of hellfire? Somehow it just sounds like the lesser of two evils.

Once again sister, paradise offers a lot for those who eventually get into it. Though we have no knowledge whatsoever about it except what have been recorded in the Quran and hadiths.
Prophet Muhammad said in an hadith: I have prepared for my good servants what no eyes have seen, nor ears have heard, nor any mind had comprehend.
So having this mentality because of what some few people have commented is not supposed. Just believe that you will get the best in paradise and continue what is required of you as a Muslim.
Remember Allah is ever just and he will never cheat nor discriminate to any of his slaves irrespective of gender.
May Allah be with us all

aishaquest:




Assalam Aleikum tbaba1234

Pardon me but you totally ignored the reason for the divorce in the first place. The bolded was made in response to men divorcing because they want to get rid of one of the four to bring in a new wife.


You are talking about how Muslim society should not shun these women and they should have the opportunity to remarry. They likely didn't want the divorce in the first place.

This is a prime example of what deols is talking about. Somehow you've decided (maybe unknowingly) to relieve the man of any fault here and come at the problem after the fact.

"You said, "We should be dismantling the stigma". So rather than deal with the man who is trading in the older car for the new sporty model, you figure we should just make it easier for the discarded woman to remarry?

Well as regards that issue: I.e men divorcing women just for the sake of substitution and not for any other reason.
To the best of my knowledge, I have not read or heard of its permissibility. But this comes from Istihzaa(mockery) of the ayats of Allah.
Even divorce is permitted just to always have a way out of a problem which seems difficult to solve. Even the prophet Muhammad S.A.W said: The most hated thing to Allah which he made permissible is divorce.
And we all know the rules attached to divorce, and even the 'iddah period which she must observe to see if the man will reconsider his action.
The fact is many people do bad deliberately and try to find a cover for themselves. They lie and play with the ayats of Allah and mislead the people. But they fail to realize that Allah knows that which is in their hearts and will reward them accordingly.
I pray Allah guides us aright

aishaquest:

I guess my problem is that sometimes I find Islam beautiful. Then there are times when I find it's practicality cold and calculating. It is confusing to me. I don't know how to take it sometimes. Maybe this frightens me.

Islam is beautiful and will always be. I think that should not be a problem. As per it been cold and calculating which results in confusion. Please don't let this frighten you as it's the handiwork of shaitan(Satan) who tries to deceive and misguide human beings especially the believers. unfortunately this is how it's been and will continue to be till the day of judgment because Allah has given him the power.
But you know what Allah has given us a solution to it which is the saying: A'udhu billahi minash shaitanir Rajeem meaning: I seek refuge in Allah from shaitan the accursed.
May Allah be with us all

@Aisha

Your heart is in the right place. As long as you keep learning the Truth and identifying actions of Muslims that are in contrast to Islamic injuctions, you will attain salaam/Islam in sha Allah.

If we say non muslims should not judge Islam by the actions of a few, then we as muslims must also tease out what is truly Islamic from what so and so muslim did. May Allah expand our understanding. AMIN.

[

@Deols,wat do you think abt punishment for zihar in d Quran?.I mean for someone to blurt out in a fleeting moment of anger, and d atonement is 60dys fast.I think if d tables were turned,women will be caught more in dis and we would not be able to cope.

You who believe, it is not lawful for you to inherit women against their will, nor should you treat your wives harshly, hoping to take back some of the bride-gift you gave them, unless they are guilty of something clearly outrageous. Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good. If you wish to replace one wife with another, do not take any of her bride-gift back, even if you have given her a great amount of gold. How could you take it when this is unjust and a blatant sin? How could you take it when you have lain with each other and they have taken a solemn pledge from you? Surah 2: 19-21.

tbaba1234: You who believe, it is not lawful for you to inherit women against their will,b nor should you treat your wives harshly, hoping to take back some of the bride-gift you gave them, unless they are guilty of something clearly outrageous. Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which God has put much good. If you wish to replace one wife with another, do not take any of her bride-gift back, even if you have given her a great amount of gold. How could you take it when this is unjust and a blatant sin? How could you take it when you have lain with each other and they have taken a solemn pledge from you? Surah 2: 19-21.

Tbaba please do cross check the reference again. I don't think it's in Surah 2 which you Wrote above.

ShehuAba:

Tbaba please do cross check the reference again. I don't think it's in Surah 2 which you Wrote above.

JazakAllahu Khair,

Surah nisa, error

andromida:

Thanks for the reply. So like what oaths do they take during the wedding? is it like for better for worse till death us do part?

We don't take oaths, but its allowed to have a prenuptial agreement.

TheBigUrban2:


Abdulsleek was an undercover non-muslim posing as a muslim that was struggling with his faith.

He exposed many muslims here in this islamic section as hypocrites who only know how to copy and paste fatwas from clerics rather than reading their own Qurans.


Because of that, he has a legendary status here.



Any muslim questioning their faith is suspected as an "abdulsleek". Just ask Deols

I am not an "undercover" non-Muslim. I am investigating. They call me a revert. Go away with your conspiracy theories "Abdulsnake"!

Logicboy, get off this thread if you have nothing good.

Can we please ignore some peeps in here. They have nothing tangible to contribute except to derail.

In the Name Of Allah, the Merciful,

I think people are over thinking these issues here; Islam is more of maintaining justice, irrespective of the individual, it is a practical religion, it is not dogmatic, nor expects a blind faith from its adherents.

We must first acknowledge that God who created us know us more, and He definitely created us differently, but yet, he legislated laws to guide us so as to curb excesses, and for people not to take advantage of others.

I must first explain that these laws fall under a spectrum of judgments, and thus we have,

1. Al- wajib : Obligatory action that must be performed
2. Al – Mustahab: recommended action that should be performed
3. Al-Mubah: permissible action, neither encouraged nor discouraged
4. Al-Makruh: disliked action, which should be avoided, but not in strictly prohibitory terms
5. Al-Haram: unlawful action strictly prohibited.
Most important thing for a believer is the wajib, as well as engaging in enough mustahab and if he/she likes, engages in mubah, but must avoid Haram at all cost, but can still find her/himself in the Makruh once in a while. While still looking at these classifications, we must understand that there are the fundamental aspects of the deen and there are branches which borders on social relations and the likes.

As I have previously mentioned, Islam came as a universal religion, relevant to yesterday, today and tomorrow, that is why for example in dressing, it is basically about rules of what constitute unclothedness, revealing and what is prohibited, rather than modeling a particular culture or people. Once your dress conforms to the rules of Islam, then there is no issue, even in terms of gender specificities, it was about females not imitating male and vice versa, thus Arabs, Indians and Pakis put on Wrappers (Iro in Yoruba) and it does not negate Islam in anyway, but such cannot be put on by a Yoruba man because dressing as such depicts imitating a woman.

Islam integrates into any culture, but only prohibits what constitute polytheism and disbelieve, and what would cause harm to the individual and the society at large. It is basically meant to emancipate man, to create a just, equitable and peaceful society.

Now, I think people like projecting their own prejudice or bias, without really understanding what Islam states, and with what we know of the prevailing dominance of the male folks in our society, it always seems Islam favours the male more than the female, I strongly disagree, both have their advantages and their disadvantages, yet, both have the same opportunity to attain piety which mandates Allah’s reward both in this life and the next. For example, a man is expected to participate in Jihad in repelling evil and establishing justice, but the woman is exempted and her own Jihad is to go on Hajj.

When we are looking at male and female relationship, it seems people are not looking at what is obtainable realistically, one thing is that, we cannot compare our parents time, with ours, our mothers were trained to accept everything in the home for better for worse, they dare not go back to their father’s house, so they tend to stay in an abusive home, no matter what the man does, they would stay, they would be patient and I can boldly state that, in most cases, these women always reap the benefit of their patience and perseverance. Allah never let the works of one who patiently preserve go in vain.

What does Islam says? Firstly, a man has no right to abuse his wife, physically or verbally, he must treat her in the best manner,
Allah says: “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought” (Ar-Rum 30:21)

The prophet was reported to have said; “The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character. And the best of you are those who are best to their women.”(At-Tirmidhi)

What does finding tranquility means? What does best to your women entails? Are men obeying this? If your wife is not pleased, not happy, and always sad, haven’t they issues with their faith? Do we see marriage as a religious responsibility?

This is one of the obligatory acts expected from the husband, he must treat her right, and he must fear Allah in dealing with her… this leads us to the emphasis of the religion in choosing your partner. Note, it is not that you are not to look at other things, but once the religion is certain, it becomes easier to correct a spouse who errs, and not only that, you complement each other in achieving the ultimate reward which is Janah.

What is unfortunate is that, majority of us are deficient in the religion, so anything goes, we lack the proper understanding of our peculiar responsibilities, and this affect both male and female.

What is obtainable now with our generation is that females are now being aware of their rights, they want to be independent, and want equality and what have you, you see career women here and there, they want to compete and make their voices heard. I believe this happened because of the abuse men had put women through all these years. Unfortunately, they have gone to the extreme and returned to Jahiliyah (period of ignorance), and in turn have even become worse than what was obtainable in the recent past, they think religion (Islam) is restrictive, hence should be done away with, Women are now objectified; they still remain a slave to the man’s desires. The evidence is quite obvious in our society.

What does Islam says? Islam had never deprived any right of the female from inception, it liberated the woman from the shackles of slavery and being regarded as unimportant possession, tbaba’s post quoted some notable quotes in this regard, Islam recognized Woman as human, gave her rights, gave her status, and gave her honour.

Islam wants to maintain the structure of the society, it wants progress, and does not want unnecessary hiccups, thus, there needs to be control, check and balances so that, one group does not oppress the other, there should be tranquility and order.

Islam gave the right for a woman to work, but this work should not conflict dangerously with her responsibilities at home, so she needs to discuss with the husband, and they find a middle ground, a way to support themselves, such is also expected from the male, or why else does Allah states partnership, tranquility, love and mercy between spouses? A man who does not discuss with his wife is depriving her one of her rights, who would such man say he is emulating? A responsible Muslim man would not say you must not work without making her wife see reason to why he says so, and not only that, must provide all of her needs regardless she works or not.

Such is also for a man too, his work must not conflict with his responsibilities at home, he must find a way to manage his work and home, and he needs to discuss this with his wife also, there must be communication. I read about Umar(r.a), the second caliph, when he was passing by a house where he overheard a woman whose husband was away on Jihad saying, and if not for the fear of Allah, her bed would have been warmed by another man, as such, he asked how long can a woman be without her husband and which she answered that it varies with different women, some a week, while others a month or even more, and after which Umar (r.a) legislated all married men not to stay more than 4 months while away on Jihad.

The Prophet said:
“When a husband and wife look at one another (with love), Allah looks at them both with mercy. And if the husband then takes hold of his wife’s hand, their sins will fall from their fingers.”
["Al-Jaami' al-Sagheer lil-Suyooti"m 1977 - Saheeh].
Subhanallah!
See brothers and sisters, the more you study Islam, the more you see the beauty and the simplicity, it is not in any way hard or harsh. I don’t know, but it seems to me that people are only talking about worst kind of men, not true Muslims, who know their responsibilities to Allah, and there fellow human being.
Do you know that the Prophet (SAW) said, “A Muslim is one who other Muslims are safe from his hands and tongue”? Imagine, this is what is expected from a Muslim to another Muslim, how much do you think is necessary and expected between spouses who are Islamically joined together in marriage?

Polygyny vis-à-vis Houris In Janah

I believe it is safe to state that majority of women in the past, especially during the time of the prophet, had no issues with polygyny, they were already involved in it, it was part of their culture, I don’t think there is any report of a female sahaba going against it. Be that as it may, Islam placed a stringent clause to going into polgyny, and restricted the number and prohibited the abuse that was prevalent. I believe the then Muslim females would be forever grateful, judging with what was obtainable prior to the advent of Islam, to them, Islam is a life saver.

Now, in the present, it is still permissible (Mubah), but not obligatory (Wajib) so you are at liberty to choose what you want, there is absolutely no sin on you if you do not want polygyny, you can discuss this with your suitor, and even put it in your marriage contract.

A Muslim honours his promise, but we know things may not go as planned, thus, the allowance to seek divorce if she cannot stay in such a relationship, but I repeat, A Muslim keeps his promise, as not keeping your promise is a sign of hypocrisy and hypocrites are punished with hellfire. Therefore, a man who promises not to take another wife, but wants to take one, first needs to discuss with his wife, and as such, there would be a reason for his wanting to take another woman, coupled with the fact that it is absolutely prohibited for him to be “playing away match” doing this makes him committing adultery, and punishable under the shariah law. We should all remember that Allah is aware of all that we do.
There are genuine reasons that can come up, for example, if his wife becomes ill or sick, and cannot live up to her responsibilities as a wife, if the wife did not give birth to any child for the man, etc.

If the reason is not genuine, the wife has the right to seek for divorce, and his judgment is with Allah (SWT).
Ibnul Qayyim wrote:
“If it was made a condition (during the ‘aqd) that the man not marry another, then he must abide by that. Once he does marry someone else, she has the right to end the marriage.” (fiqhu sunnah)


On the houris in Jannah, the Qur’an never mentioned numbers, but rather than dwell on who get houris and how many they will get, why not let us dwell on the following:
"Gardens of 'Adn, which they shall enter, and [also] those who act righteously from among their fathers, and their wives and their offspring..." [13:23]

"They and their wives will be in pleasant shade, reclining on thrones." [36:56]

"Enter Paradise, you and your wives, in happiness" [43:70]

"There they will have all that they desire - and We have more [for them, i.e. a glance at the All-Mighty, All-Majestic." [50:35]

So what do you want oh my dear sisters? You want only you and your husband/man? Allah will fulfill your desires, even more than anticipated, me personally, I want to be with my wife in Janah to live together for eternity.

But guys, how much are we bothered about how to attain Jannah? What deeds have we really sent forth? Are we Muslims in all our affairs? Are we really confident of attaining jannah, that we are not really bothered about our deeds, but rather asking what is our reward, how is it going to be, is Allah Just giving this or that, etc. have you stopped to ask yourself, if I die today, what do is my status with Allah? We will all die, we will all meet our creator, we will all give accounts, each and every man and woman.

Know these issues raised are part of test from Allah, it is an opportunity to see the truth and acknowledge it, and establish our resolve to be Muslims and nothing else!

Allah said:
“Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?
But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars”. (29:2-3)

The Prphet was reported to have said:

“Indeed, the merchandise of Allah is expensive!
Indeed, the merchandise of Allah is Heaven!”
["At-Tirmidhi", 2450 - Saheeh].

If you are having doubts, always remember Allah is closer to us, ask Him for guidance, wake in the early hours and call Him with His most Beautiful Names, He is the only one who can answer our prayers and grant us our heart desires, then talk to your fellow believers, be in the company of the righteous and before you know it, the doubt fades away and what replaces it is firm faith and gratitude to Allah. As Allah (SWT) have said, verily, the plot of shaytan is weak.

I pray Allah (SWT) continues to guide our hearts, make our strengthen our faith, and protect us from the whispers of shayatin. Ameen

ayinba1:
If we say non muslims should not judge Islam by the actions of a few, then we as muslims must also tease out what is truly Islamic from what so and so muslim did. May Allah expand our understanding. AMIN.

My sister please leave that side.

I have come to learn that some people are just plain myopic and very silly. I have had a colleague use the terrorist tag for me and I simply reported him to higher authorities for discipline. This was someone that in my natural character of extreme niceness I have repeatedly fixed things that would cost him tens of thousands for free. So tell me who should know better than him not to judge a religion by the actions of some imps?

Some people can't just comprehend it and they are innately tribalistic and dull. So do things for God who created you and not because of what people would say or you trying to change their perception. Even if you toil for some people they would still always think that way. It's them that need to change, not us .

Just be yourself and do good. The God Almighty is the judge not them so i care less about what those set of people say or do.