hmmmmmmmm

:-

Ishilove:

Haba,flow,which beef na? You be my personal person o

Na anti-spam bot ban you. You've been unbanned

You be correct. I love you pass your boyfriend.




For that i go update one more, or even two. or so i thought.

After service, we had finished counting money; Five of us.






“wait oh, this tithe total is not complete, something is missing, i can't find my tithe card, where was it recorded?” The Head usher noticed.

“how sir!!!” I asked.

“The tithe I paid is not here” It wasn't funny at all.

“check well sir”




After properly checking the tithe payers as against the money recorded in their tithe cards, he discovered that his tithe card and the money it contained was missing.

“where is my tithe card for God sake?”

“check well for it na” Kingsley said.

“I have checked well, how will my tithe card and envelope just disappear just like that!!” It wasn't funny at all.





“who who who com take the tatatithe na?” Emmanuel said,

“I have checked well na, I can’t find the envelope and the money” He was checking some funny places like under my shoes like i had a money magnet under it.







40 Minutes of checking and re-checking, the money and the envelope was still nowhere to be found.





“Pls lets search ourselves” Blessing gave me a look that read: “Peter you sure say no be you thief the money?”





I was always cash broke, I agree, I was a gambler, I agree, but there is one thing I never dreamed of doing not to talk of doing in reality, that things is stealing or taking a money that is not mine, talk less of a money that is the Lord’s.


I remember picking up Blessing’s purse that contained about 56 thousand naira for her school fees and handing it over to the “lost but found” Officer who in turn handed it over to her.

The Head usher was not just a good “header” alone, he was also the “lost but found” administrator.




“I dey suspect some people here” I heard Blessing said.

“don’t suspect anybody, no one here can steal the Lord’s money, we are all born again Christians abi no be so?”

"naso oh" The most focused and dedicated born again christian Flow said.


“then, how can you explain this, did the money just developed wings and flew, I am sure I saw you dropped your tithe in the tithe basket”




“I think what we will do is to search ourselves, the girls to search the boys, and the boys to search the girls” I heard Kingsley said from the corner of my ears.

“what did you just say? Boys to search girls?” Kemi spoke.

“sorry, I mean girls to search girls”. I wished he said “boys to search girls” Blessing would had been my target, I would had search and search all part of her body especially the lower region where river Niger and River Benue met.





The Ladies left to another room to search themselves while the guys remained in the vestry.

“oboy which kin search be this one na” I cautioned as Kingsley brought his hand close to my “middle big tree”.

“oboy you fit hide the money anywhere”

“you dey mad oh, na you be thief, wetin you mean, you mean say na me thief the money?”

“I no talk like that, I just dey talk say in case na you thief am, you fit hide am anywhere”

“guy stop using me as an example for stealing” I had to speak English.

“ok sir Peter”



I searched him with my hand 45% of the time on his middle big tree just as he did to me.








“sir what do we do now?” Kemi spoke as we had finished the searching practice. Searching classes rather.

“I guess we will take the case to the Pastor” Head usher replied.





Inasmuch as I agreed that the case should be taken to the Pastor, the Head usher was always of the character of taking every case to the Pastor; even the case of a lost pin.







The cool in the Pastor’s office gave my head so sweet a sensation.





“…………………. That is what happened sir” Head usher finished narrating.

“so you mean to tell me there is a thief amongst you?!”

“no no no no sir” Kingsley answered.

“then how did the money go, it flew?”

“maybe we misplaced it sir” Kingsley said.

“I doubt that, the head usher here is so careful a man that he had never lost even one naira since he became an usher, his accounts are always clear, but again, of lately, there have been a decline in offering and tithe income” said the Pastor.



“here and here, we are going to caught the thief, God helping us”




“lemme add something, before we move further, if anybody knows he or she stole the money, let him or her indicate and this matter will end, I promise that person no other ear aside us here will hear he/she stole the money” Pastor’s wife said.

“but if at the end of this meeting, nobody came out to say he/she stole it, the wrath of God will visit that person in two days time” As she spoke, she eyeballed me althrough like she was receiving prophesy I stole the money.



The Pastor's wife had once preached that whoever steals God's money would be visited by Leprosy. As Emmanuel was my prime suspect, I looked carefully to see that Emmanuel's hand was gradually turning Leprous.





“Head usher, how much is the tithe sef?” Assistant pastor asked.

“14 thousand naira sir” He answered.

“so na 140 thousand naira be this one salary? Nahim him com dey do big boy like say him salary na 500 thousand naira” I told myself.







Suddenly............................ i heard.......................








“Peter!!!!!” My heartbeat increased.

“wetin I do na? no be me thief am na” I whispered to myself.

“did you pay your tithe today?”

“I did sir!!”


“ok, that means you are not the thief”, I thought I heard; “you are the thief” so I asked, “how sir?”

“because you can not steal back what you paid” That was indeed Wisdom.




“Emmanuel I saw you paying yours too, so it isn’t you that stole it”



“the Ladies can not steal” The Pastor’s eyes were closed, he was receiving prophesies that the two ladies were not guilty. Or so I thought.

“abi na Ladies dey thief money pass sef”








“I know who stole it!!!” The Pastor opened his eyes suddenly.

Psalmwise:
hmmmmmmmm

hmmmmmmm for wetin na?

I like your username

ur story comot words for my maut

flow1759:


hmmmmmmm for wetin na?

I like your username

Thank y0u,

BTB Aw much will you pay for the username ii can aunction it to u

Psalmwise:
ur story comot words for my maut Thank y0u,

BTB Aw much will you pay for the username ii can aunction it to u

1naira

flow1759:
Moderators!!! Moderators!!! Moderators!!!
Wetin i do una wey una ban me?

Inasmuch as i respect you all, i think banning me have made you all lost my respect.

Can you guys just pin point the post that made you ban me.

Ishi.love wetin i do you? So the beef continued. Why?

Much love still.

Still i flow sha

Easy bro. Thats whats this place is all about and what they can do buh can't stop you from doing yur thing. Take them as challengies you have to over come before you make it to the top ( To be our Ben Carson).
No dissing any bi.tch

AhhhHhhhh Flow kill mi wit suspect ohhh



Flow hope u r kul


Nice update dear

I still dey here dey follow una o

Nice one glow they burst my head

Trypa:
AhhhHhhhh Flow kill mi wit suspect ohhh



Flow hope u r kul


Nice update dear

I am cool Trypa. Thanks

“oga Flow buy me food na” Natty saw me eating Eba in a canteen at mammy market after I left church.

“oboy, tell them make them give you one plate” I was indeed in a happy mode.

“oboy this one wey you wan buy food for me, you sure say poison no dey food?”

“you no get sense, you no happy say I buy you food, na because I just dey happy oh?”

“Why you dey happy na?” He asked as he sat.

“na something wey happen for church today oh”

“wetin be the thing?”

“one usher thief person tithe oh”

“eheeeen! Them catch am?”


“oboy all of us gather for our pastor office him com begin dey ask us questions oh, after, him com close him eye com open am, com say anybody wey leave him office go outside, na the person thief the money”

“who com leave the office go outside na, na you?” He was curious.

“no be me oh, and that time wey him talk that thing, one kin hot piss dey catch me oh”

“hahahahahaha you for piss for body na”

“oboy no be small thing oh”

“na one usher wey com go outside go pick him call na?”

“which usher? I know am?”

“yes na, you know am na, that fat guy wey no gree give you food that day wey you come our Youth program”. Natty had attended our church's Youth program drinking Andrew liver salt before he came.


He drank four packs of Andrew Liver salt because when I was inviting him for the program, I told him that there would be RSVP- Rice and Stew Very Plenty. Natty being a lover of food came 97% hungry.

Kingsley was in charge of serving food in the row that Natty sat and when he got to where Natty sat, the food finished, but when he served Coke, he started from where Natty sat; giving him two bottles to commiserate with him for the Plate of Rice lost.


Natty drank the two bottles without complaining at first. But it was like the Coke and Andrew Liver salt combination got his stomach rumbled badly. So he stood up and walked with fury towards where Kingsley stood and……………




“no ever try that thing with me again, shey you know me before? Why are you so wicked?”

“wetin I do you na?” Kingsley asked him.

“you no know wetin you do abi?” Natty grabbed his shirt.

“you dey mad?”

I other to avoid an ugly scene in a Youth program that had in presence about a hundred attendees, I walked to tell Natty to stop disgracing himself and me; that I would buy him three plates of food after the program.

“eheeeeen! You mean am?”

“you be correct!!”


I was indeed “correct” losing about a thousand naira to satisfy the hunger of the glutton Natty.



“ehennn! I talk am say that guy resemble thief?”

“so na him come waka leave the Pastor office?”

“na him oh, him phone just ring and him go outside go pick am”

“as him go naso our Pastor com talk say – that guy is the thief!!”





“like play like play, naso one of our church member come enter Pastor office with the tithe envelope com talk say him see Kingsley when him dey hide am for under rug”

“you mean am?”

“yes na, naso Pastor say make I go call Kingsley come, as I reach downstairs, I no see Kingsley, I waka reach main road, I no see Kingsley, sotey I call him number, e dey switch off?”

“bad guy!!! how him take know say the guy dey bring the envelope come una Pastor office?”

“oboy I no know oh, e be like say him dey use jazz oh”

“yes na, him dey use jazz na, if him no dey use jazz how him take know say I like food well well wey him com do make the food finish for my side?”


Truth be told, a voodoo is needed to tell as skinny as Natty was that he could finish two plates of a convention Plate of Rice not to talk of Twelve.

I remember we all staked about 12 thousand naira for Natty for finish twelve plates of Rice. He got to the Ninth Plate and I saw some whitish grains that looked like grains of the Rice he ate dropped out of his nostrils. They say food can’t kill, but that day Natty almost died. He could barely walk; we practically carried him home.




“you remember the day wey Kingsley catch me and you dey drink beer?”

“eeeeeehn! I remember na!”

“naso him go church go dey tell our church members say I dey drink”

“eheeeen! You mean am?”

“yes na!!”

“now na him com be thief? thief and person wey dey drink, which one better pass?”


“you see life? e no good to dey judge”



There were more hypocrites found in the house of the Lord than elsewhere. Institute of Rumor mongers, College of Gossipers, Citadel of Cheats, Community of the Jealous, and Federal University of Enemies of Progress.






If God were one of us.




If God were one of us, Bisi the 16 year old Daughter of our former Pastor would not had gotten pregnant for Maxwell our former Keyboardist.





If God were one of us Yemi our former choir master wouldn’t have stolen the church Keyboard and sold it.






And yet, If God were one of us Kingsley the most dedicated usher wouldn’t have stolen someone’s tithe.






“and Guess what? He is the most dedicated amongst the ushers” I spoke English.

“you mean it?” He answered in English. English language and all other languages has this communicability, that if a person rather than speaking Igbo for instance spoke English to you, you will reply in English also, and if the person returns to Igbo language while the conversation lasted, you will surely return to Igbo also. My grand mum is an exception.


I remember speaking English to her and she replied me with a slap.





While i was busy narrating to Natty all what happened in Church, I never knew he had signaled the attendant to bring him another plate of Eba.


“wetin be this one na?” I asked.

“na food, na Eba” he answered.

“who get am?”

“na me, you wan join me?” he had started eating.

“guy you no go understand, I never chop since two days now”

“and so? Na here you wan chop both afternoon and night food?” i was considering my pocket rate.

“guy food no dey our house, make I no die abeg” He gave me his famous "food pity face" and I really pitied him, not because i loved his ugly face, but because i was a little bit "bucks-ed up" that day.




“no wahala, me and you go share am” I drew closer and joined him eating.




There is a law in my Family right from my childhood that forbade eating food on Sunday morning before leaving for church, as such, our pots always went on strike on Saturday evening to call it off on Sunday evening after church. Dry fasting - you can call it, but I call it discipline. Discipline that will never leave me till I die; and i promise to imbibe it in my unborn children also.






We finished eating and it was time to go, little did I know that my Kalochi suit would make me and Natty cry.

I will be online throughout today, therefore, i will love the questions, suggestions and requests to role in.


Still I Flow

Feed me more

Ndukings92:
Feed me more

If that is a request, then, granted

More updates flow

seuncyber:
More updates flow

coming up soon

Still he flows... Still we follow...

Is it just my mood or the comics and usual stuff is missing lately nowadays..

My bad guess I was expecting to much

Warlord3000:
Still he flows... Still we follow...

Is it just my mood or the comics and usual stuff is missing lately nowadays..

My bad guess I was expecting to much

It musn't be all comic na, it musn't be centralized on comedy alone.

It must also be informative, precise, educative and an eye opener.

.

tfabu:
flow nice one,but pls i need more comedy in this story,i'll neva forget man wey dey reason that made me laugh like mad while in d public bus...pls i wanna laugh like that in this one tooo...plss,well done

No wahala.

Why is it that Albinos always look alike?


Why?



“Mr Peter!!! Mr Peter!!!” I heard someone called as I walked down the road heading to the office after a hectic delivery day. I turned and saw that the person calling was an albino.

“do I know you?”

“yes na!! it’s me na”

“who are you?”

“it’s me Tolu”

“who is Tolu?”

“I don’t know any Tolu? In fact I don’t know any albino”

“I am not an albino oh”

“you are!!” I attacked.

“I will tell my father you are calling me albino”

“who is your father?” I asked.




“my father is Mr Akeju” That was indeed a sad news to my ears.

“Tolu!! is that you?” My brain came back from the vacation it went.

“sorry ooh, I no know say na you”

“who are looking different?” The difference was that her hair had changed grayish yellow and her eyes were like pendulum bob.


“what happened to your hair?”

“enough of that!!! You are making a mockery of my complexion abi?”

“haba!! I dey craze wey I go make a mockery of your complexion?”

“so you are calling me a lair abi?”

"no na, you no be lair, na me be liar, in fact my name na Linus Liala" I wanted to buy her laughter.

“it's not funny! I will tell my daddy for you”


One thing about the Akeju girls was that they saw their father as a Mini-god.

“no vex na, I just dey joke, I no mean am”

I will never forget the day I was to resume duty as a worker in Wilo Courier services ltd.



I pressed the doorbell of the house at close 5 house 3 and someone came to open the door.


That person was an albino. An albino on white pajamas.


“can I help you?” she was as white a snow, that as she drew closer i took some steps backwards thinking she was a ghost.

"why are you going back?" she asked.

"i wan go piss, piss dey catch" I just can't tell why albinos frightened me a lot.


"what is wrong with you!!" She touched me on my shoulder.

"aaaah!!" i felt a warm feeling on that part she touched.

"are you ok?"

"me okey!! i am not okey oh, i am Ugo or Peter but my friends call me Albino" I wanted to say my nickname Flow, but albino came out of my mouth mistakenly.

"Mr albino can i help you?"


“help me do what?” I answered. Help my skin colour to change i supposed.

“so? Since I can’t help you what are you still standing here doing?” she rolled her eyeball like the albinos do.

“sorry, I mean yes you can help me
”

“I want to see Mr Akedi” That was what my Dad wrote on a paper he gave me as the person I was to ask for. Maybe he thought the person was an Igbo man, or maybe he interpreted “Akeju” to Igbo as “Akedi”

“sorry, wrong address, there is no Mr Akedi here” She shut the door.




“what insolence!! She can’t even allow me explain who I was before shutting the door” I thought.

“or maybe the person I am asking of does not stay there” I was lost in my thoughts when a car honked for me to leave the road.



I went to house 2 to ask of Mr Akedi, the guy that opened the door told me that house was the house of the Amadis not the Akedis, and I felt like changing “ma” to “ke”. I went to knock on the door of house 4, the woman that opened the door said if I was looking for Mr Akeju, then it was house 3, if not, I should go down to close 47, that she knew one bachelor from Benue state by that name that stayed in house 1.




“but why p’opsi go tell me say the man na married man when the guy na young man”

“young man no go fit give me job na” I thought as I walked towards close 47 house 1. I got there after about twenty five years of endless trekking, and at that moment my well polished shoes looked like it was a friend of dust.



I knocked and knocked at the widely open door until my knuckles almost bled, yet no one answered.

“abi the person wey get this house don die inside” I thought. And at that moment I remembered the late Yona.



Yona was once arrested for murder. He went to the house of his best friend Hammed one evening to play chess and smoke, on getting there, he found out that Hammed’s door was wide open, so he walked in, and to his greatest surprise he saw Hammed in the pool of his blood stabbed.



Some neighbors told lies to the Military Police that Yona was the only person that entered Hammed’s room throughout that day. Yona was arrested and he languished in the Guard room for about a year until investigations were carried out and the real culprits were arrested. Yona was later freed and when he died of what was termed “smoking disease” I knew he and his friend Hammed would continue their “smoking while playing chess” in Heaven or Hell.


Since the Yonagate, I had promised myself I will never ever enter a widely opened door even my own house, because there might as well be an Hammed laying died.


“abeg I don dey go house jor, I go tell peeman say I no see the Mr Akedi”i decided.




As I walked towards Close 5, something within told me to check that house 3, that since the Address that was written on the paper looked correct, the name might have been misspelled.



I pressed the doorbell harder this time, but no one came out to answer so I devised another style; knocking and pressing the door bell at the same time, little did I know the dog was out.







I fought hard to free my three fingers from a clip. A Dog’s teeth clip.


I had freed my three fingers from the Dog’s teeth and the next thing I saw was a fountain of blood gushing.


“My hand oh!!!” I thought I had been rendered fingerless.



The Bulldog that appeared toothless made my fingers almost go of, and i saw a "waterfall of blood".


“what happened!!!!” The albino rushed out.

“but I told you the person you are looking for does not stay here”

“see what you have done to yourself now” Another "girl' that rushed out with her said. Beautiful indeed! I was admiring her beautiful face forgetting i was in excruciating pains.

I call them “girls” because in as much as they were taller than me, there were still 16.



“Jimmy!!! Come here!!!” Tolu commanded.

The Dog came to her and she picked up a broom and started flogging it.




Just then, Mr Akeju drove in.

“why are you flogging Jimmy?”

“he bite this man here?” Tolu said.

“and so what?”

“a Dog can not just bite you, you must have looked for its trouble”






What greater love for an animal than for a poor bleeding fellow.

make una know say i still remain my funny self flow1759. I never change.

e dey funny oh, but sometimes na una mood oh.



You know it is always difficult to make Nigerians laugh. and the last time i checked, we are not in Swaziland.

Remember it is still true life.

Why compare this story with other of my stories? Is GEJ and GMB the same?




I STILL FLOW

STILL I FLOW OR SO I THOUGHT.

This is funny, anybody wey say he no funny then the person problem big pass Nigerian own be that

Let encourage flow for keeping us laugh for free cause Ay Live na 5k for regular

seuncyber:
This is funny, anybody wey say he no funny then the person problem big pass Nigerian own be that

Let encourage flow for keeping us laugh for free cause Ay Live na 5k for regular

And this is funny too

Hmm... Okay o

When will snow come into d story na?

Emmeritus:
When will snow come into d story na?

seconded

Oga albino, sorry flow, come update oo

No updates yet

Emmeritus:
When will snow come into d story na?

Soon