flow baba,...... make we dey Flow dey go boss

Flow this update sweet my belle...

But you know say your boy name na oliver twist...

In other words i need MORE

#FRONTPAGE PLEASE... CUDDLEMI,ISHILOVE, HUMBLEDBYGRACE

I even requested for endorsement thread to be open, still till today no one seems to have done that. This nairaland is just making provocative descision that could bring them downfall.

Its not as if it is a big deal. Go to the front page many irrelevant topics. Many people have been backing this topic for front page, if their is any reason why it should not be on front page let the litrature mods say it. Me i have nothing else to say because if i say now em go list rules when i break come add ban on top.

That is why their are pliagrist everywere. People's work that are meant to be broadcasted are hidden and one ingrate would come and copy it and grace his blog with it and you will see that it would make trafffic for the person more than its owner.

Seun ignoring litrature section since 12AD

baba slow keep on with your work, front page or no front page, we are here for you.
I pray i come across a thief of this story. [Nigeria no go contain me and him]

Make them moderators when de manage here de ignore litrature and carry them wahala go other sections when dem are not moderating.

Thank you all. I have always said Nairaland is full of cliques, which I can never be part of.



BTW sai Buhari!!!

Front page jooo

September 12 2014.

“Angela, na my brother be this, him name na Flow!!” Snow introduced me to a woman that sold provision in the street.

“ehen! Na fine boy oh!!"

"Wetin you say be him name again?” She asked.

“him name na Flow! Mr Flow!!”

“which kin name be that?”

“na Spainish name!!” I answered.

“which one be spanish again? You dey work for mechanic place wey them dey use spanner?”

“spanner!! Angela him no talk spanner, him say Spanish!”



Just then, a man walked pass where we stood.

“good afternoon oga landlord!!” Snow greeted.

“oga landlord na my brother be this oh!!” said Snow.

“eheeeeen!!”

“good afternoon sir!!” I greeted.

“good afternoon!! What is your name?” he asked.

“ehn!! My name is Flow”

“Flow!! and your brother name na Snow, where una dey Flow and Snow go?” He teased.

“naso God want am oh!!” Snow said. Like God gave us such nicknames.





“but Snow oh!! This your brother head big oh!” the landlord said.

“naso oh, when we small, na Head master them dey call am” Snow proclaimed.

“You nkor!! No be Ceiling fan Head them dey call you that time?” I attacked.




I agree, I was the master of heads, Snow was called a name worse than mine; Ceiling fan head. The name was as a result of the shape of his head.

It was shaped like a ceiling fan, but with four blades.


At the right, it had a blade pointing West, at the left, it had a blade pointing East, at the front, it had a very sharp blade pointing North, while at the Back, it had two blades; one pointing to the South east from the top, while the other pointing to the South central from bellow also known as “Ogo”.





I remember Ogochukwu the “Ogo” Lord.

His Ogo was so Long, that I at time saw it as a Wind vane.



Ogochukwu almost killed Seun when he attacked him with a weapon known as “Ogo”.

Sharper than a sword, Ogochukwu stabbed Seun with his Ogo and I saw Seun’s heartbeat seized.

“you no go fit do me anything!!” Seun had boasted.

“if you try me ehn?” Ogochukwu Threatened.

“I say you no get power, you no go fit do me anything!”




JSS3 boys were known for fighting under one particular Mango tree after school. Notable amongst them were High tension(Me), Emeka, Taju and Femi.



I will never forget the legendary fight between Emaka on Red short, and Taju and Femi on blue short. The unbiased referee for the day was High tension.

Unbiased in the sense that Emeka had giving me a beating of my life in the past, likewise the duo of Taju and Femi.


If Peter and Paul Okoye were P-square and they can never break up, so will Taju and Femi never break up.




The greatest rule of JSS3 wrestling federation(JSS3WF) was that the loser is determined by who ate sand.







The day Emaka and I fought, I ate enough sand that I was almost admitted for Kwashiorkor, while the day I fought Taju and Femi, I ate enough sand that changed the colour of my eyes green.

Green!! My light green school uniform changed brownish black because I was so much in a haste to beat the hell out of Emaka that I forgot to take it of.






Emeka smiled, and i could read that in his mind he was like: "this boys no go fit beat me".

And of a truth, he was so strong a wrestler that he could beat three boys his age at the same time.



“anybody wey give up, make him raise up him hand!!”

“no blow for eye!!”

“no holding of p’rick!!!” I reminded them of the rules.



“no holding of p’rick” that rule Taju and Femi failed to obey the day they beat me blue black.


If my p’enis never tore to pieces that day, nothing can tear it to pieces again, even a Bulldozer.


My hands were up in surrender, yet Kalu the referee refused the battle to end.

When I knew I had more enemies than friends was when the fight finally ended; I mean when they were tired of pounding me.

I looked for my school uniform but couldn’t find it.

“una help me see my uniform?” I asked my opponents who were the only ones present after the fight; the spectators all ran thinking I was dead when Taju and Femi sat on my head at the same time.

Well, I died, and came back to life. And of course, I appreciated life the more even though my mum always gave me 20 naira as lunch money.



The first day that lunch money was stolen was the day, I almost died of hunger.

20 naira could do a lot of difference in the life of a JSS3 student; atleast it could buy ice cream and biscuit.






Yet Emaka stole Taju’s 20 naira.

“you get mind thief my money abi?” Taju lamented.

“ehen!! Who you be!!”






Emaka was the one that stole everything that missed in class, even a pen. Notable amongst what he had stolen include: pencil, notebook, socks, sandal, school uniform, school bag, 20 naira, 20 naira, 20 naira, 20 naira,…………………………………………. and the 20 nairas were endless.









I was told he stole someone’s poo way back in JSS1.



As part of the criteria to be cleared in JSS1, one needed to undergo medical screening, and stool screening was part of it.

So, JSS1 students were given a tiny container to put their poo in and bring to school.




I was told Emaka forgot his stool sample at home and stole Seyi’s.

“where my s’hit?” Seyi cried out after searching painstakingly.


Since that day, Sheyi was nicknamed “where my s’hit!!”.







Ogochukwu and Seun’s fight ended us all fighting under the Mango tree after school hours.



The commandant ordered the Mango tree be cut down after flogging us 12 strokes each, and expelling Ogochukwu.

Seun slept in the school’s sick bay for three days, and came out with hunched back. Not too hunched, slightly hunched.


I thought he would come back to us on either clutches or Wheel chair, or both, because the head booting on his back bone sent him dancing snake dance lying on the floor. At some point, I thought he was possessed.










“na my landlord be that, the man na correct man!!” Snow told me as his landlord walked afar.

“but only be say, the man dey fly for night!!” He added.

“fly as how?” I asked.

“fly for night na! the man na winch!!”













“you say wetin?”

FLow this update sweet die.Abeg more mb to ur phone. Keep up the good work. Pls the mods should move this piece to the front page where it belongs.

this last part!!!

Baba flow, you are too good.
Skimpledawg come and read this

....

Flow i doff my hat for you...

Frontpage page please

If l.a.r.r.y.s.u.n, s.t.a.n.d.d, r.o.y.v.e.r.s drops just a page story, it will be on frontpage...

Yet here we have a story that strongly deserves frontpage and yet we are been ignored... Humm, thinking after this story am leaving nairaland unless something is done about this inhumane treatment we are receiving

In the morning of September 14………………………………….


“My name is Flow!! Or just call me Mr Flow” I shook her hands.

“I am Sandra!!” I refused letting go of her soft hand.

“Flow!! Leave her hand na!!” Snow yelled.

“Snow nwanne!! I say make I feel her hand na, na bad thing?”

“no be bad thing, only be say your hand fit snatch person babe from the person”

“hahahahahaha!!! how you take know?”




Of a truth, what my mind told me at that juncture was how I could snatch “that girl” from Snow.


“That girl” she was, in fact, “that that that that that that girl”, her a’ss length and width represented the thats.


“Flow!! Where your eye dey so?” Snow caught me staring at her a’ss.

“nothing oh!!” I replied.

“Flow!! Flow!!! Flow!!! Flow!!! How many times did I call you?” He asked.

“Forty!!” Four turned Forty.

Size Forty was the size of the a’ss. Or it could be more, I was sure.


“Forty times abi?”

“No……………. Forty one times!!” My brain turned upside down as Sandra sat close to where I sat on the bed.


“you sure say this bed no go tear?” I asked myself as I saw that her weight sank me.



Not that her entire body had much weight, but just her lower region.


Thirty minutes of me thinking; “How Snow dey take handle this thing for bed!!”

“if this one mess, how e dey be?”

“you sure say na real n’yash be this?” Because I was told Port Harcourt girls are good at fixing fake everything; Fake a’ss, fake height, fake skin colour, fake fingers, and even fake b’reast and the milk it contains.

“the girl no too fine like that sha, but her nyash fine!!”

“I just pray say Snow wan just chop this one clean mouth, make him just chop remain for me!!”

I was lost in my thought, then sleep came.



In my dream, I saw her caressing my d’ick in the present of Snow.

“Snow!! You see wetin this your babe dey do me so?”

“hahahahaha!! I see am” He answered.

She took of my trouser and continued caressing, but this time skin to skin; her hand caressed my bush, eggs and pipe.


The sensation was so sweet that I forgot my name. “baby!! Ehnn!! Remind me of that your name” She said.

“my name?”

“yeah baby!!”

“my name ehn, my name ehn, my name ehn!! My name………………” I woke up.

“my name……………………………” Sandra stared at me like “what is he saying?”.

So I turned it to a song by a popular Nigerian musician : “My name is Ikechukwu…………….. I am Ikeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Chukwu……………………… every where I go they call me Ikeeeeeee Chukwu…………………”

“Flow!! Hope say every thing is ok?” Snow asked.

“everything dey ok, I just dey sing na!!”

“you just dey sing?!”

“yes na!!”

“ok, make e just be like that oh!!” Snow left the room.



I returned to sleep, yet my eyes couldn’t wink back sleep.




The next thing I saw, Sandra started taking of her dress.

“wetin you dey do so?”

“una wan plan me abi?!” I almost said.

Yet I tried best to fake sleep.

“abi she think say I don sleep nahim make she dey remove her clothe?”

It was like I was still in dreamland where she was caressing my d’ick.

“oboy eeeeeh!! See nyash!!” Pap gushed out of by pipe suddenly without me asking it to.


Soon she was n’aked from head to toe as she searched for her towel.

My boxers was soaked 40% as more Pap gushed out.



I will never forget my not boxers but trouser soaking about 45% due to the fact that it had been long I had s’ex.



There was this heavy traffic from Mile 2 to Orile, and since there was no bike running in the expressway, I walked into a street around Orile and stood waiting for a bike that would take “short cut” to my office albeit for a cut throat fare.


“oga you dey go?” A bike man cleared in front of me.

“I dey go Iganmu, how much?” I asked.

“only you!!” He asked.

“Yes na!! shey na two people you see here?”

“ok, your money na 700 naira” He sang.

“seven hundred wetin?” I chorused.

“seven hundred naira, you no know say fuel no dey?”

“na lie you dey lie, fuel dey” I attacked.

“ok, pay 600 naira” He said.

“guy, make I pay 500 naira”

He thought of it from Sokoto to Bauchi and said; “enter, you get change?”

“yes, I get change” I entered.






The ride was as fast as I wanted it, not until someone flagged it.

“wetin be that?” I asked.

“madam where you dey go?” The fart smelling bike man stopped.

“I day go Iganmu!”

“how much you go pay?” He asked.

“make I give you 300 naira!!” She offered.

“madam pay 400 naira, make you enter make we dey go”

“enter where!!” I yelled as she turned and I saw what she carried behind.

“oga! Wait make she enter jor!!” The bike man frowned.

“am I not paying you? you can not inconvenient me because you want to get extra money!!” Grammar.

“oga this one wey you dey speak na oyibo rekpete!!, abeg shift make she enter”

“abi you go pay me 900 naira, make I carry only you go?” How did he know that was the exact amount in my wallet?

At that moment, the sky grumbled, and I took a glance at my wrist watch, it was 10 minutes to 8am.


Bearing in mind that Mr. Akeju had earlier said he was coming to Maestro by sharp 8, I had no choice but……………………………….. “oya make she enter, I go dey her back” I came down for her to board.



We were half way when I had my trouser tore.

It tore because my legs were over stretched to accommodate her wide a’ss, and the trouser was slim fitted.

“mumu!! Shebi you don see wetin your big nyash don cause for my trouser?”






I tried my best to take my mind far from e’rotica, yet it came back home.

All of a sudden, it started raining. It started raining in between my legs.


She felt uncomfortable, turned, and I looked away.

What I was thinking of was for her not to know my Pap had gushed out, and also how I would alight without her seeing the wetness.

My d’ick, clad on my boxers came out of the big hole and was heading to her a’ss.



I controlled my ill mannered d’ick by bending to the right like I had stroke, and my prayer was for me not to pour out Pap for the third time; this time directly on her.





Thank my stars it rained.


It rained and washed away my sins.








Soon she stood very close to where I lied, and bent down exposing her fleshy “honey well” from behind.

That was when Pap soaked my boxers 50%.

“if I put my p’rick from back, wetin Snow go talk, Shebi him go say I don rape him babe?”

“….and me and him go fight, shebi una dey see the kin wahala wey women dey cause for this world?”






“Snowwww!!” She called Snow like it was a Chinese name.

“I want to take my bath, where is the towel?”

Wow! I finally made it
Guys hope i‘m welkum in ur midst
Flowey u doing great pls keep it up, one love

Alexgeneration:
FLow this update sweet die.Abeg more mb to ur phone. Keep up the good work. Pls the mods should move this piece to the front page where it belongs.

Thanks alot.

princesssusan:
Wow! I finally made it
Guys hope i‘m welkum in ur midst
Flowey u doing great pls keep it up, one love

You are highly welcome on board.

Mayorblaze:
....

Flow i doff my hat for you...

Frontpage page please

If l.a.r.r.y.s.u.n, s.t.a.n.d.d, r.o.y.v.e.r.s drops just a page story, it will be on frontpage...

Yet here we have a story that strongly deserves frontpage and yet we are been ignored... Humm, thinking after this story am leaving nairaland unless something is done about this inhumane treatment we are receiving

That is why S'hit can never be Roses

flow1759:


You are highly welcome on board.

Tnk u dear

Baba allow the foolish moderators

Mayorblaze:
....

Flow i doff my hat for you...

Frontpage page please

If l.a.r.r.y.s.u.n, s.t.a.n.d.d, r.o.y.v.e.r.s drops just a page story, it will be on frontpage...

Yet here we have a story that strongly deserves frontpage and yet we are been ignored... Humm, thinking after this story am leaving nairaland unless something is done about this inhumane treatment we are receiving

yeye moderators

abeg dey post 2 episode per day naw
Welldone bozz

IHate9ja1:
abeg dey post 2 episode per day naw
Welldone bozz

I will do that if Buhari wins

flow1759:


I will do that if Buhari wins

E don win o
Kom n do da needful

seun, ishilove, lalasticlala, mynd44, obinnau abeg make una move this tory enter fp tis long overdue

nice one flow for this piece
so hilarious n breathtaking

flow1759:


I will do that if Buhari wins

oya oga flow come fulfill ur promise o, cos Buhari don win oo.

flow1759, Buhari has won o, so come and update. Moreover, today is my birthday and I will love to laugh as hard as I do whenever I read your story.

The night of September 30…………………………………………

“whheeeeeeeeeee!!!!” I heard.

“meww!! Meww!! Meww!!”

“wheeeeeeee!!!” It was deafening.

“Snow!! Snow!!” I tapped Snow.

“ehnnnnnn!!” He turned and I saw that his Chairman was up, just because Sandra’s a’ss faced it.

“guy you dey hear that noise?”

“p’ussy dey for ceiling!! Them dey fight” I informed him.

“ehen!! Leave them make them fight na” He replied.

“why I go leave them?”

“oboy leave them oh!! Na wetin we dey see here sometimes oh!”

“wetin you mean, una no fit kill them?”

“kill wetin? You wan kill landlord?” I heard Sandra giggled.

“you say wetin?”

“you no know say one of the cat na our landlord?” I was shocked and goose pimples grew.










I tried to find my lost sleep that the cats murdered, to no avail.

“wetin I go do this cat them na?”

“abi make I dey stone stone this ceiling weda them go run?”

“but I go fit kill them na?” I was sure.




But again I thought otherwise, because like they say; “a cat has nine lives”.

I will never forget when last I tried to kill one. Not I alone, but we.








I was Five, I think, and as we played in the field, there came this big cat to the refuse dump situated close to the field.

“see p’ussy!! See p'ussy!!” Cosmos saw it.

“make we go kill am!!” Timothy fondly called Timo said.

“I no go follow una oh!!” I dared not said, or I would be called “oleh”


I was so so scared, yet I followed them.

“pursue am!!! Catch am!!!” Demola yelled.



I pursued along, but from the rear.




We chased after it until it was just Cosmos and I chasing; the rest fell by the way side tired.

“make una catch am!! kill am!!” Papa Wale yelled. Reason being that cat was a delicacy where he came from.

“Ugo run come, e don hid for inside that grass!!” Cosmos beckoned.

It was like the poor animal was tired, and we were near catching it.









Before I could say “sai Buhari!!”, Cosmos dived on the grass like Iker Casillas would on a ball in his hay days.

“mweeeeeeeew!!!” The cat on his hand cried.

“Ugo bring stick come wipe am!! Bring stick……….” He yelled.


I looked round, and the only stick I could find was a fallen tree branch.

I picked it up and stroked.

Then stroked again, this time harder, little did I know what I stroked was my friends head.


“yeaaaaaaaah!!! my head!!!!!!!!” He fell to the ground.

I saw two cats mewing on the floor; Cosmos and the actual cat.

My friend cried, yet he still held the cat firmly with both hands.

For my image to be redeemed, I stroked so very hard on the cat on his hand, and it mewed.

Thank God it didn't spit on me. If it had spat, maybe i would had been blind, because i opened my eyes so wide.

“mweeeeeeew!!!!” He still held it like it was glued to his hands.

I stroked four times; three times on the cat, and once on my friend’s head.









And he died.




He and the cat died.


I was shocked to the bone.




They lazy and lilly livered duo that fell by the way ran to met the ugly sight.


“Ugo!! Wetin happen here?” Timo asked.

“him never die, him just dey sleep!!” Demola was good at saying gibberish he thought was funny.


Well, I agreed with Demola, he had better be sleeping.

Timo managed to drag Cosmos's body far from the cat while Demola went to fetch water.

How we concluded water could do the magic, I just can’t tell.




While events unfolded, nobody aside four of us knew what had happen because the bush was deserted.

“No be me wipe am oh” i said, when the stick was still in my hand. The most s’tupid statement I had made since “nothing break oh”.




A year earlier, while I washed plates one early morning, I dozed of and the plate i held slipped of my hand and landed on concrete.

And guess what? the plate was breakable. So, it broke.


My mum had the deafening sound and rushed out.

The next thing I said was; “nothing break oh”







“no be you wipe am, and you hold stick for hand, shey na the p’ussy wipe am?” Timo said.

“yes na!!” I was saying the “bestest” of r’ubbish.






“Demola ,where you dey carry bucket of water go?” I heard Mama Wale asked as I saw Demola coming afar.

“I wan go wet our farm” He responded.

“which farm?” She asked. When it was clear Demola’s mother had no farm.

“na one farm wey my mama just buy!!” He lied.

“your mama don get farm?” The “amebo” asked.

“yes na”

“you go carry me go see am?” Meanwhile, I and Timo had hid so she wouldn’t see us.

“the place far well well, I no go fit carry you go today, unless tomorrow” Demola promised.

“ok oh!!” She walked the other way.

“so teacher – teacher sef don get farm?”

“farmer - teacher, hahahahahahahahah!!!” She laughed.

Demola's Mum was a full time Teacher that vowed never to involve in farming like other Barrack women, onlike my mum who combined farming and teaching.


Immediately Demola landed with the water, he poured it dexterously on Cosmos's head, and we waited for a miracle to bring him back to life.









He coughed back to life, and I was so so so glad.


With so much fury, I ran to where the cat lied, to strike it more for causing me so much trouble.


As I stroked for the second time, something happened.










The cat rose and chased us all.











I was taking the lead, with Timo right behind me followed by Demola who will alway boast he always came first in their school’s inter house sports competition, at the rear was the just resurrected Cosmos.


Just one cat chasing Four big boys.



When we dressed on our Sunday’s best, we always walked together and asked others to call us “Four big boys”

So, many boys our age wished they had the good clothes we had so they would join our league.






The cat mewed while it chased us, and I saw that Timo almost overtook me.

I refused him overtaking me by increasing my speed even though my legs were failing me.

I was so conscious of the fact that I wanted to remain in front till the race ended that I looked back from time to time to see how close Timo was.


I was still looking back to see how close the cat was to Cosmos when………………………………









“gboodom!!” My leg landed on Mama Akara’s big pot of boiling oil.

I was able to realize what happened in time to jump over the pot on one leg with the other leg not touching the floor, little did I know my rather s’tupid friends ran on the same straight line I ran.







I watched Jackie Chan, Jet lee and Bruce lee fell into boiling oil one after the other.









Crying was heard in our various houses that night due to the injury sustained.

The most cry was heard in the house of Mr. & Mrs. Adeoye, as Demola their son sustained the most injury because he landed flat on the pot of oil with his belly.

The next house so much crying was heard that night was the house of the Yehudes. Cosmos landed on Demola’s back and his head rolled and landed on the fire that burnt his hair Papa Ajasco style.


A tattoo was created on Demola’s belly; a tattoo he later appreciated because it looked fine.

While the burning added extra “ogo” to Cosmos’s already long ogo.






It was like the number of cats in the roof had increased to say 22 and they were playing a football match up there.

“abi them this cat represent everybody for this compound?”

“even Snow sef!!”

“him fit be winch oh, you no see as him say make I leave them the cat?”

“you no see as him put him mouth dey sleep?” His mouth looked like that of Titus fish.


“but wait oh! That groundnut wey landlord give me in the afternoon, shey I chop am?” I asked myself.

“eeeeeehhnnnnn!!!”

“Chai!!! I chop am oh!!”

“nahim I use drink garri oh!!!!”

SexySapphire:
flow1759, Buhari has won o, so come and update. Moreover, today is my birthday and I will love to laugh as hard as I do whenever I read your story.

There you go birthday girl.


happy birthday!~!

flow1759:


There you go birthday girl.


happy birthday!~!

Thank you so much. That was so hilarious, I had a swell time reading it.

Flow..

You are simply the best.. As i was reading this story and laughing out loud with tears in my eyes.. My family members were scared and started asking what's wrong, then i read the funniest part to them and for 30 minutes the kept laughing...

Thanks for bringing joy into my life and family members life this lovely New month...

Flow simply the best

---

hbd sexysapphire...

Hahahahaha
Jackie chan n jet lee dis got me rolling on d bed

Mayorblaze:

hbd sexysapphire...

Thank you so much Mayor

sexysapphire so flow is back and u no tell me



chai flow baba, my belly wan burst courtesy of your last update, u are doing a good work sir. make I go start from beginning

Therock5555:
sexysapphire so flow is back and u no tell me



chai flow baba, my belly wan burst courtesy of your last update, u are doing a good work sir. make I go start from beginning

Sweerie, I'm so sorry. Goan read from the beginning and get ready to laugh ur kidneys out.

SexySapphire:

Sweerie, I'm so sorry. Goan read from the beginning and get ready to laugh ur kidneys out.

I dey page 5 now, I don laff all my morning food trowey