In the Guinness book of record, Jesus said Flow1759 will soon be a Legend, we all need to give him 33 claps now because he is making us Harp in fact he is a Star



I have been following your stories right from igbo boi wey like yoruba, believe me you are da real bomb in d comic section!

Ihate9ja1 how far naw?




Still you Flow

The morning of October 3rd.

“Snow!! Buy me Suya!! I want Suya!!” Sandra’s love for Suya had increased by the day; from 200 naira suya per day to 300 niara, and soon to increase to maybe 500 naira per day, she was really rendering my brother Snow broke.

“ok! Lemme go and buy you the suya na!”

“both of you want to go, and leave me here alone?”

“u dey fear? You dey fear cockroach?” Snow teased.



Cockroach had entered her “kini” area and cause havoc the previous night.


Sorry to disappoint you, when I say “kini”, I don’t mean “kini big deal………… kini big deal…………… shebi!! Shebi!! You all gonna like it……….. shebi!! Shebi” like Naeto C sang. I mean the main kini in between a woman’s leg.




The wrapper she tied to sleep that night was the same wrapper I hurriedly wiped out the wetness in my hand when I finished washing smoked fish.

I did that because I needed to go see a crush of mine as she passed with the hope of talking to her. A lost hope.







At night as we slept, what woke me up was: “remove your hand from there?” She tapped Snow.

“from where?” Snow asked.

“m’umu boy!! You no go remove your hand from there? Abi na that place go cure the wound wey dey your hand?” Snow got injured in his finger by a nail while he tried to squeeze himself into his very tiny kitchen.



His kitchen was so tiny that I sometimes seized my breath whenever I meandered in, not only my breath, my fart too.

I will never forget farting and a plate broke.



The plate was so so close to my butt, so I tried my best possible not to make it fall to the ground.

It did fall to the ground, but not as a result of my butt tilting it, it fell as a result of my “thunder Balogun fart”.



Since I came to Snow’s house, I had broken four plates in total; Two by fart, and two by not obeying the simply rule of stiffing one’s body while in the kitchen.


I had told Snow severally that we should change the position we kept dirty plates; it was too close to one’s butt as one entered.











“I say remove your hand from there!! It’s tickling me”

“my hand is not any where na!!” Snow answered raising his both hands up for Sandra to see.

They thought i was fast asleep.




“yeeeeaaaaaah!! Cockroach!!!” Sandra rolled out of bed and landed on me as I lied on the floor.

“Cockroach eeeeeeeeeeh!!” I held her firmly, and bounced up and down like we were having s’ex.

I bounced up and down while she unwrapped her wrapper to reveal her n’aked body.

“where the cockroach na?” My hand was heading to “destination unknown”.

“Flow!! Where are you putting your hand?” She covered her body and stood up.

“I dey help you find the cockroach na!!”








That cockroach must have swum in River Niger, I must say.

I say so because whenever Sandra wore leggings I always saw the tributaries.

But what was I to do? Snow really loved his girlfriend, and woe betide me that I should snatch her from him.








“A’boki give us 300 naira suya!!” Snow ordered.

At that moment, what I longed for was for the A’boki to offer us “testing”.

“see testing oh!!” He offered us two pieces of meat.

I hurriedly threw the pieces of meat into my mouth.

“where my own na?” Snow asked.

“walahi! Na two suya I put, your friend I don chof am” Said the A’boki.

“Flow naso abi? I go do you back”

I smiled and chewed.

But as I continued chewing, I noticed something.

“A’boki, why the suya strong like this na?” I asked.

“e strong?”

“yes na!!”







Talking of strong suya, I will never forget Junior being a PHD holder in strong suyas.



As we sat in car wash drinking one evening, Junior joined us with a wrap of suya in his hand.

“oboy make una see suya oh” he offered.

A glimpse at the suya on the table got me salivating, so I hurriedly sent two pieces for munching.


The two pieces I sent into my mouth turned stone and I almost lost a tooth.

“wetin be this na?” I yelled.

“wetin?”

“this!!”

“ok, you like the suya? Na correct suya oh”

“you dey crase!! Your mate dey buy suya wey good, you dey buy suya wey strong” Snow caused.




Junior was not only good at buying strong suya, he was also very very good at buying spoilt suya.

I never forget him putting spoilt suya in our Egusi soup.


If my intestine refused coming out through my a’nus that day, it will never come out even if I eat two weeks old Beans. Or so I thought.




“who dey toilet!!!” I cried.

“na me oh!!” It was Junior.

“cabarabbarabhatealaha!!” I spoke in tongues.

“abeg do quick oh!!”

“do quick make I no s’hit for body oh”

“gbuuuuuur!!”The choir in my stomach sang praise.


I swatted, and it was like the poo would drop, I stood, the same thing, I sat, the same thing, so I jumped.


I was still jumped when Snow came.

“Flow!! Wetin you dey here dey do?” He asked.

“why you dey jump?”

“abeg comot for road make I enter toilet go s’hit”

“per……………………. Person d……. de…… dey there” I couldn’t speak pidgin anymore, so I spoke English; “I sait there are someone in the toilets” funny English.

“and I am the nexted persons to entered” Next, I spoke latin.


“Junior abeg do quick oh!! Do quick make I no s’hit for body!!” I cried.

“s’hit for body? Me I don already s’hit for body sef” Snow said.

“since you don already s’hit for body, kukuma s’hit am finish for your body na” I negotiated.

“you are mad!! Why you no s’hit for your own body?” He joined me jumping.


I saw jumping was of no use anymore, so I started dancing.


“guy I go s’hit for ground oh!” I said.

“guy no try that thing!!” Snow said.

But as I turned to see if the noise I heard was from the toilet door, Snow had done what he advised me not to do.

He was pooing on the floor.

“guy you no go join me?” He offered.

“thank you, I no want!”






10 minutes and Junior was still in the toilet.

“Junior abeg na!!” I cried.

“I never s’hit finish na!!” He responded.

“ok, make I enter, make me and you s’hit together” I negotiated.



Truth be told, the toilet was so wide a pit that the whole tenants could all poo on it at the same time.



I remember Junior’s Nokia phone falling inside it.

That was when I knew Nokia default ringtone could ring Fuji.

As Snow called the phone, I couldn't tell if the ringing was Rap by Tupac or Fuji by KWAM 1. Or a combination of both.





“Junior abeg na!!!” I cried louder.

“Shhhhhhhhh! Lower your voice, people dey sleep!” Snow cautioned.

“you dey talk because you don see where to s’hit abi?”

“shebi I don tell you say make you join me?”





“gruuuuuugbuuuuu!!” My stomach sang discordant Bass.

Nobody told me to join Snow pooing on the floor.



Packing the poo was so big a problem as the poo was as liquid as water.

“Water no get enemy” as Fela sang, therefore, we poured water on the “water” and swept thoroughly.



At the right wing of the backyard, Snow’s poo changed the colour of the floor red, while at the left wing Flow’s poo changed the colour of the floor green, with both meeting at the gangway to form colour Violet.


If the political party APC had used the broom we used to sweep the floor that night as their party symbol, they would had lost the election woefully. The colour of the broom was inbetween pink and red.












After buying the suya from another A’boki, we headed home.

“excuse me lemme pass!!” I heard someone said from behind.

I gave way and the person passed.

It was a lady. Not too ugly though.




If “K” be an alphabet, then the lady had K-leg.

“Flow!! You no see that fine girl? Follow her na!” Snow tapped me.

“you say wetin?”

“I say make you follow that fine girl”

“but she no fine like that na?”

“ehn!! Just follow her, she go gree for you”




Bearing in mind that Snow and his rather talkative girlfriend Sandra had made a jest of me that I was Ladies shy because they barely saw me talking to ladies, I had to make that move.






A move I regretted, and I am still regretting.

marioking:
In the Guinness book of record, Jesus said Flow1759 will soon be a Legend, we all need to give him 33 claps now because he is making us Harp in fact he is a Star



I have been following your stories right from igbo boi wey like yoruba, believe me you are da real bomb in d comic section!

Ihate9ja1 how far naw?




Still you Flow

You be correct!!!






Still you Flow too

flow1759:
















You be correct!!!






Still you Flow too

Oga flow, the way ur head they hot this days, I sure say if I put yam he go don am
till we all flow
we feeling u here in Somalia

viewing this topic
foxyflow
Oga attai, longest of long time?

marioking:
In the Guinness book of record, Jesus said Flow1759 will soon be a Legend, we all need to give him 33 claps now because he is making us Harp in fact he is a Star



I have been following your stories right from igbo boi wey like yoruba, believe me you are da real bomb in d comic section!

Ihate9ja1 how far naw?




Still you Flow

Am fine bozz
@ Flow....wetin dey happen...?

I dey come mah go shit 1st

I dey come mah go shit

flow1759:
















You be correct!!!






Still you Flow too

MAXIMUM REGARDS TO YOU


Update biko

I dont know what to say again. Lmao!

Her name?............... Gift.

Gift was a characteristics of "Igbo by nature". She walked like Igbo, spoke like Igbo, and even dressed like Igbo.

I asked her out that night, and she agreed to date me that same night, Maybe because I was on my best look, all thanks to dusting powder. I look more handsome when on dusting powder, take note.

I saw her as cheap as Tomatoes.

And indeed her language intonation was like that of a typical Lagos Tomato seller.





“who dey house?” Someone knocked at the door one hot afternoon while I had seista.

“who be that? Who be that person wey com wake me from this sweet dream wey I dey now?”


I was in a sweet dream indeed. In the dream, i was chilling out with Obama, Charles Tailor, Angelina Jolie, and president Goodluck Jonathan.

And guess what? They all took orders from me on how to run their lives.




“na me!! na landlord!!”

“which kin bad belle this landlord be sef?” I murmured.

“you say wetin?”

“I say I dey come”

“your brother dey house?” He asked as I opened the door to see his wrinkled infested face.

“him no dey, him comot!” I answered.

“where him go?” I wonder why landlords in Nigeria always cared about the whereabouts of their tenants.





I will never forget the last landlord that cared about my whereabouts; it cost me almost passing a night in the cold street of Owerri.






We had not completed the payment of our house rent when we were in final year, and students in same shoes as us had all fled to their various homes; leaving just me and my roommate in the hostel.


Such a big Hostel, and it housed just the two of us, and of course the gateman.




The Landlord had warned severally that those that owed him should pay or face the police fair and square.

Square!! It was like putting a square peg in a round hole to plead for such wicked a landlord to give you more time.

More time!! more time was what we need. More time to flee to Lagos without paying.


So we deviced a means; we deviced a means to flee home after our last paper without paying the 6 months house rent we already owed.



So one afternoon…………………………..

“Papilo, Good afternoon oh!” I greeted the gateman.

The Gateman was fondly called Papilo, even though he was far when compared to Kanu Nwankwo’s looks. In fact he was the direct opposite of Kanu Nwankwo.



Kanu is tall, while Papilo was as short as Maltina Bottle, Kanu is Handsome, while Papilo’s face was as rough as the stone Mama Alhaja my landlady during service year used in grinding pepper. I will never forget mistakenly seating on it and it injured my butt. Kanu speaks well, while Papilo spoke words like: “Weather or weathern’t”. Kanu's head looks like bicycle seat, while that of Papilo looked like Mango. Kanu’s wife is as sparking as spring water, while Papilo’s wife was a bad sight to behold, except on Good Fridays.


I never forget Cletus a co-tenant calling her the most beautiful woman in the world just because she prepared us fried rice on Good Friday.



One fried rice too many.

I ate the fried rice both in reality and in dreamland.

And guess who prepared me the fried rice in dreamland?

Stephanie Okereke!!



Stephanie’s rice tasted different; it was very very peppery.

I coughed my way to reality when I took the first spoon.

I caught a seemingly incurable cough that lasted for two weeks, and i will never forgive Stephanie Okereke for that.


Since then, I promised never to eat in the dream again, so I drank water.

I always saw myself drinking just water whenever my spirit wives cooked.





“Good afternoon my boy!! Landlord ask of you oh!!” Was a shocker.

In as much as i was a very popular guy in the hostel, the landlord knew me not, because my roommate was the one that always went to his office to pay our rents.

“you say?”

“I say Landlord ask of you” he repeated.

“Wetin him ask of me for?” I needed to know.

“nothing oh!! Him just ask of you” He replied.

“so? As him ask of me, wetin make I do?”

“nothing oh!! Him just ask of that guy wey dey stay for room 25 wey get big chest, and e no get anybody wey get big chest for this hostel except you?”


I can’t remember me and the landlord’s part crossing except of course Papilo told him more about me.

Since the day I refused lending Papilo the 4000 naira he asked of, he hated me like a plague.





That night as I slept in the room waiting for my roommate to come back so we would eat the little Beans left in the pot together, I heard a car drove into the compound.

Since it was just I, Papilo and My roommate that was left in the compound, I was trying to figure out who drove in.


My roommate had no car, unless of course he stole one, Papilo never owned a car, and will never own one, although he told us he drove armored tanks during the civil war; which I doubted. And me? I owed more cars in dreamland than in reality.

I will never forget owning Escalade EST in my dream, and driving Tonto Dike to Miami beach on it.



As I heard Papilo opened the gate and the car drove in, I rushed to the window to see who it was.

Lo and behold it was the landlord.

And two Policemen were standing by his side as he came out.



I had seen Jackie Chan jumped down from three storey building in a movie and I saw it as film trick, not knowing I could do it too.


As I jumped down the two storey building, my ankle dislocated but I cared not.

If Jumping down a two storey building was that easy, then jumping over a fence about my height was chicken feed.



Soon I was in the next compound, with dogs chasing me around.

That was when i realized i had the potentials of representing Nigeria in Marathon in the Olympics.

As I ran, I pleaded with the beasts to forgive me.

The owner of the dogs laughed and laughed instead of him to do the needful.

He did the needful, but almost too late, then he asked me why i jumped over the fence. After i explained in Swahili because his two dogs stood by my side, he freed me.







My phone wasn’t with me, I would had called one or two friends that would had allowed me passed a night in their house.


Some of my friends that were not writing carryover of any year 3 course like I and my roommate were all gone. The few that were left were staying very far, and sad enough I wasn’t with money save 10 naira.

80% of students had gone home and the street was cold, and I wore just singlet and boxers.






After doing about 55 frog jumps, the villante guys offered me a place to lay my head. The same head they had threatened to cut of.








“him go church!!” I answered.

“ok, when him come, tell am make him come see me”

“ok, oga landlord, I go tell am” He took two steps.

And two steps backwards.


“ehen!!! Una polish still remain?” He asked.



That was another thing I disliked our landlord for.

Ehnnn! make una vote for me for the best writer of the month, i just saw i was nominated.

Sai flow1759!!!!!!




https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/61

Emperortj93:
Oga flow, the way ur head they hot this days, I sure say if I put yam he go don am
till we all flow
we feeling u here in Somalia

Soma what?

marioking:


MAXIMUM REGARDS TO YOU


Update biko

I have don that, have you voted?


https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/61

marioking:
In the Guinness book of record, Jesus said Flow1759 will soon be a Legend, we all need to give him 33 claps now because he is making us Harp in fact he is a Star



I have been following your stories right from igbo boi wey like yoruba, believe me you are da real bomb in d comic section!

Ihate9ja1 how far naw?




Still you Flow

Do you have PVC?


Have you voted?




https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/61

Mehn!!!

sai Baba!!!


https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/61


Vote!!

I don go cast my vote,if dem no pronounce us winners wetin happen for 1759 go repeat it self.

Sai flow baba!! Abeg knack us early mor-mor update jor

There was a guy called Otukpa.

Otukpa hails from Otukpo local government area of Benue state. Emmanuel was his real name, but I and Snow preferred calling him Otukpa, reason being that he always bragged about his place Otukpo being richly endowed.

At 35, Otukpa was a gate man; a dexterous gate man with so many laurels in his kitty.






“make we go gym for Otukpa place na” I told Snow in the early hours of October 5th.

“go, I go come meet you there” He answered.

“Junior make we go na!”




As I junior headed to Otukpa’s compound, what was on my mind was that my brother Snow shouldn’t drown in Sandra’s Bamuda triangle. In fact he had created a cubicle that accommodated him alone in her Bamuda triangle.




“junior what of that your babe Beauty na?” I asked.

“she dey na! na her place I sleep last night sef”

“ehen!! That girl like you oh”

Like indeed!! She liked him for nothing else but s’ex.



I will never forget him narrating to us how he almost died on top of her.


“oboy!! This one wey your face dey like this, you chop s’hit?” I asked as he entered the house.

I chop wetin pass s’hit oh.

“ehen!”


“una know say I tell una yesterday say I go sleep for Beauty place?”

“yes na! you tell us! Wetin com happen?”

“mehn!! The girl wan kill me oh!”

“how na?”

“I tell her say I never chop, but she still say make I knack her”

“make you knack her wetin?” She might as well say he should "knack" plywood on her head.

“make I knack her na!”

“She say make I first knack her before she go give me food”

“hahahahahahahah!!! She wan kill you?”

“I wonder oh!”

“and you knack her?” I asked.

I imagined as skinny as Junior was having sex hungry. That meant, his slightly hunched back would increase, I was sure.








Junior had been working out since time immemorial yet his biceps never increased an inch.


“oboy e get one exercise wey I want make we do oh” Junior said.

“ehen!! How e dey?” Otukpa asked.

“we go draw two circle for ground, for one we go put hundred small-small stone, for the other one, no stone go dey” He narrated.

“so, you go pick the stone from one put for the other one”

“and you go bend down well well when you dey pick am oh!” He warned.

“na like this you go pick am” He demonstrated.





“I fit do am!” Otukpa declared.

“na lie, you no fit do am!!” Junior doubted.

“ok, if I do am, how much you go give me?” asked Otukpa.

“ok, make we set five-five hundred naira”

“na Flow go hold the money” They both handed over 500 naira each to me.






Otukpa started with a fart, then two, then I lost count.

“so na until you mess nahim you go know say you dey do the exercise well?”

His fart smelled more like what the Northerners call “Dawa Dawa”.

“hmmmmnnnnn!! Guy you go kill us with mess oh” I searched for fresh air.

“mumu!! That thing wey dey smell no be my mess, na my soak-away wey burst nahim dey smell” He said.

“guy na lie abeg, na your mess” I swallowed some. I mean I swallowed some bad gas.




The had picked Forty six stones, and farted fourteen times.

“how you no go dey mess, when you sabi chop nonsense!”






Otukpa could combine any food with just any food.

Bread and Suya, Mango and Groundnut, Fish and Tomato, Kuli Kuli and Beans.

I will never forget him asking me to come join him eat Kuli Kuli and Meat pie. Even though I was very very hungry, I refused.


“wetin dey happen here?” Snow came.

“them set money, if him pick all the stone from this circle com put am for this other circle, him don chop Junior 500 naira” I informed him.

“ahan!! Na small thing na, I go fit do am!!” Snow boasted.

“Guy you no go fit do am?” Junior argued.



Seventy, and Otukpa’s pace had reduced drastically.

“you can do it!” I cheered him.

“do wetin? I dey die here, you dey talk say - You can do it” I saw that the wetness in his boxers had increased.



As Otukpa fell to the ground and gave up, I rushed to Junior to hug him.

“aaaaah!! You don chop him money!!” I cheered.

“guy your mouth dey smell” I wondered why he just noticed my mouth that had been smelling like poo since the previous night.

“so na now you notice am? Mouth wey don dey smell like that since yesterday night!”


The previous night, I had eaten the spoiled beans everybody rejected. And to make matters worse, I sent it home with Kunu that seemed over fermented.







“ok, make we bet say I go pick all the hundred stone!” Snow said.

“guy you no fit! I bet all this 1k wey I just chop now!” Junior said.

“boardman go get 300 naira for the money oh!” I appealed.






Like Otukpa, Snow also started with a fart; a thundering fart.

But I noticed his fart was slightly different from that of Otukpa’s. His fart stained the white short he wore.






In no time, he was in his seventy fifth squats, that was when I realized he could finish.

“you no dey do am well oh!” Junior complained.

“I dey do am well jor!” I discovered Snow had lost his voice.


I turned to see if Otukpa who sat on a chair nearby was still alive; “Otu baba!!!” I hailed.

“mehn Flow, I no fit stand up again oh” He cried.

“how you no go fit stand up again?” I doubted.




“Emma!!” That was his real name.

“Emma!!” His boss called again.

“come and open the gate for me! I am going out!”

Emma, sorry Otukpa stood up successfully.

“yeah!! Flow, come help me move my leg oh!” He cried.

He raised one leg up, but to drop it forward took him seven years. it reminded me of Eedris Abdulkareem's "one leg up" song.


“Emma!!” His Boss called.


“I no dey sir!!! I comot!!” he answered.




Otukpa’s case was nothing when compared to that of Snow when he finished the exercise,; he hopped like a Frog and some people that saw him thought he had smoked weed.




I will never forget Eddy.

When I was still a smoker, while we smoked in our hide-out, Cosmos brought his friend Eddy to smoke, and Eddy was novelty in it.

“see as them dey wrap am” He showed Eddy the wrapping process.

“after you don wrap am finish, you go hold am like this” he showed him the holding process.

Next was the kissing process.

And like the Nursery school teacher would ask after teaching; “Do you understand?”, he asked.

“yes boss!” Eddy answered.




For a first timer to smoke two jumbo wraps meant just one thing; Mad!!

Madness was far from Eddy, and I wondered why.



We were done and it was time to go home.

“Eddy make we dey go na!”


As we walked home, Eddy walked normally, and again, I wondered why.




The next thing I saw was Eddy hopping like a Frog.

“Eddy wetin happen?” Cosmos asked.

“I just dey jump this water wey dey ground na!” he replied.

“which water?” I searched for water on the ground, but saw none.

We pleaded with Eddy to stop hopping but he refused, telling us we were F’ools who were blind and couldn't see waters that were almost forming a river.


I grabbed Eddy and took him to seat under a Mango tree.

“Ugo, hold am, I dey come make I go bring Garri wey we go give am make him chop” Cosmos left me alone with the “water maker”.


Water was indeed made, but by the skies.



“oooooh God!! Cosmos where you na? rain don dey fall” I cried.

“rain wey I go dodge!!” Eddy scared me.

“dodge as how?” I asked him.

“you no know say I sabi dodge rain?” He freed himself from my grab.




He all of a sudden started meandering so fast towards different directions like a Snake would.

Not just that, he took of his clothe and was n'aked.

Not just that, he bent down and brought his mouth close to his “Serake Dickson”.




He suddenly started sucking his own d’ick, and I ran.




No, I ranned, according to Man wey dey reason

“Ugo!! Where you dey run go?” I collided with Cosmos.

“Guy bush Dog dey come!! Run!!”



It was in the era when some strange Foxes invaded people’s farmland, and the fear of such foxes was the beginning of not being eaten like Martins who the Foxes ate for lunch a fortnight.




“bush Dog!!” I saw Cosmos ran faster than me with the bowl of Garri on his head like he Hawked Garri.

Oga flow
Flow on braa

welldone bozz
How is it @ ur end?

U are jst too much

Hahahahahaha! Nice one jare Flow1759. U b confam

ahahaha, the last update was just too hilarious.

Baba keep flowing

I hope say the voting neva finish....
Cos i MUST vote u

Chai! Oga flow no kill me o

Water was a big problem in the compound, and even beyond.


“oboy make we go fetch water na!” I told Junior in the morning of October the 6th.

“shey them Otukpa get water?” He asked.

“when we reach there we go know”




“where Snow go na?” He asked as we fetched.

“mehn!! Him go Silverbird TV oh!”

“go do wetin?” He asked.

“him go so that them go talk to Silverbird people about how them go show their movie for their station”


**None of you even asked me what Snow did for a living. Well for the records, Snow was an Actor, and he still is. But his volcano had not yet erupted, and it hasn’t at present**




“what of that him sugar mummy wey dey follow am act film na?"

“who? IJ?”

“yes na!!”

“guy that girl no be him sugar mummy!”

Inasmuch as IJ was Snow’s colleague, they had nothing intimate in common, and I promised if they had, I would skin Snow alive.



Why would I?


I would skin him alive just because IJ was the fattest person I had seen since Yokosuna. A step of IJ took about 2 minutes; that meant taking forty steps was rather impossible.




I will never forget me greeting her “good afternoon ma!” when I and Snow went to her place of work on a visit.

“good afternoon my boy” was her response.


It was later that Snow told me she was just two years older than me.


He also told me of how her ex fled because of how heavy and c'lumsy she was in bed. He said the lanky guy couldn’t take it any longer after breaking his leg three times while they had sex.



“the fatter the body, the more thundering the fart” I quoted that after I, Snow and IJ boarded a Taxi and she farted.

Even though the Taxi driver was her Church member, he still couldn't hold it.

“Aunty!! Take am easy oh!” He hailed.

Taking it easy wasn’t in her mind at all; she rather added one more for the road.

That made the Taxi driver searched for the road.

“comot for road!” He yelled at a road user.

“no be road be this?” The driver of the other vehicle replied.

“where the road?” I thought the fart had made him blind.

“follow here na!” IJ brought back his sight.



“guy why you squeeze your face like this?” Snow asked me as we alighted the Taxi.

“nothing oh!!”

“na lie, something nahim dey make you squeeze your face” IJ added.

“na your mess na, your mess don spoil me belle” I almost said.








“Junior you no dey hungry?” We both lied facing the roof; a characteristics of hungry men.

“I dey hungry na”

“wetin we go chop na?”

“guy anything oh, organize food na, when I go work by next week nahim I go get money”

“as for now? I no hold she-she”




Junior’s work was to couple and fix POP; and he was very good at it, I must say. A job that made him traveled far and wide Nigeria, and sometimes Togo.

He had fixed POP in one mostly acclaimed “most beautiful house in Nigeria” in Delta state.

He had fixed POP in the house of a present governorship aspirant in River State.


Yet Junior’s problem was that he was his uncle’s puppet.

He did whatever he uncle wished, even packing his wife poo with his bare hands.

Yet his uncle cared not how he fared.




Him knowing Snow was a miracle he would never forget for the rest of his life. His uncle’s wish was for Junior and other of his workers to sleep in his Pop shop. In fact for them to see the shop as a castle or penthouse.




Snow said when he met Junior, Mosquitoes had drew map of Nigeria on him due to where he slept every night, not only that, his eyes were burgundy red as a result of malnutrition.








“guy I no hold any money oh, and I dey owe Angela 350 sef”

“make I go see weda she go gree give me for credit na”







“Angela, how much I dey owe you?” I asked for the records.

“I dey come make I check?” She brought out her credit book.

“ok, your money na 3,500 naira”

“you say wetin?” I thought my ears distorted sound.

“I say your money na 3,500 naira”


“Angela, how? Which time?” I asked so many questions.

“see am here na” She opened the exercise book for me to see.




Head ache and Epilepsy caught me instantly on seeing 3,500 naira against my name.

“wetin I do na?” I asked a s’tupid question.

“wetin you do be say you dey owe me 3,500 naira, and you need to pay me before next Saturday wey I go go market”

“see Angela, I know all the things wey I buy” I confessed.

“I buy two tin tomatoes, I buy groundnut oil 50 naira, I buy crayfish 50 naira, I buy two egg, I buy pepper 20 naira, I buy maggi 10 naira” **abeg make una help me check how much be everything na**







“ok, who sell am for you?” She finally asked.

“na Joy!” I had forgotten the manner of person Joy was.



I will never forget her selling “Achi” to me as pepper.



I had bought 30 naira pepper because I overheard in the radio that adding much pepper to food was good for the health.


Since it was a bit dark while I cooked that night, I just poured the achi into the rice and beans I was cooking without looking.


Eating about 30% of food I cooked while it was still on fire was my habit.

A habit Snow and Junior later adopted and we called it “the three spoons principle”.


As I obeyed the three spoons principle, I noticed the rice and beans was slippery in my tongue; like I was munching Okro soup.

“why this rice and beans dey draw na?” I asked myself.

“e no dey draw jor!” I assured myself.



But as I managed to finish munching the half plate I took and was about to take another half, I saw that the rice and beans was unsteady in the spoon.

“wetin dey happen na?” I asked.

I was very scared.

“Snow! You put Okro soup for this rice and beans?” I almost asked.






Next, I sneezed.

“hope say no be inside that food you sneeze put” Snow yelled from inside.

“guy I no sneeze!” I answered.

“so, that thing wey I hear now no be sneeze?”

“guy that thing wey you hear now, no be sneeze, na mess”

“so you mess inside the food abi?”



I will never forget Junior farting in his Akara and Bread just because he wanted us not to beg him.

I begged him anyway, and it tasted more nutritious than it should.


I thought of throwing away the rice and beans and cook another, but thought otherwise because Kerosene was not left in the stove.


I and Snow grew pot belly after eating little of my culinary mistake.

It was the next morning that Joy came to apologize for her mistake.

Since that day, whenever Joy sold Pepper to me, I always looked at it carefully to see if it wasn’t Achi or Maggi. Or both.










“Joy!!” Angela called out.

“ehnnnnn!!”

"come here!!”

“Aunty see me here!”

“how much things Flow buy for your hand?” She asked her.

“ehnnnnnn! I don forget, I write am there na!!” She pointed at the exercise book I held.

I handed the exercise book to her, she checked and said; “three thousand, five hundred naira”

I reminded her of what and what I bought, and I also reminded her of the fact that whenever I wanted to prepare egg sauce, it was standard that I spent 350 naira excluding Kerosene an Rice.


After much said, we discovered that she had mistakenly added one more Zero to what I owed.

Angela apologized for her sister’s costly mistake and I capitalized on that to buy on credit and pay later; whenever.



Is like Togolese people cooks in reverse. Junior poured salt in boiling oil before anything else. At least even if I learned nothing from my mother’s kitchen, I learned that salt came last in every meal.





“Junior which kin cooking be this na?”

“no worry, na Togo rice I wan cook?” He replied.

“guy I no want Togo rice, I want Nigeria own” I affirmed.

Junior had never failed to argue with us that Togo his country was better in everything when compared to Nigeria.

In Economy, in Electricity, in Football, in Music, even in cooking delicacies.

He contradicted himself one day when he said Emmanuel Adebayor the Togolese football was one of the richest men in Togo; and we told him same cannot be said of Okocha or Kanu.


I never ever agreed that Nigeria with so many ethnic groups was poor when compared to Togo in delicacies, even though Snow agreed just because he had dated a Togolese lady before.






“if to say cat meat dey, we for use am chop this rice, e dey make sense well well” That was Junior’s prayer before meal.

“cat wetin?” I thought I heard catfish.

“cat meat na”

“Cat meat abi? You dey find cat meat abi?”

“yes na, you know where them dey sell am?” He asked.

“waited till night, you go kill Landlord chop”





“na my papa una dey talk of like that?” Thankgod the landlord’s son said as he knocked on the door.

haryomikun:
Hahahahahaha! Nice one jare Flow1759. U b confam

Thank you. Much love

stuff46:
ahahaha, the last update was just too hilarious.

Baba keep flowing

Then you should read the next update up there.

princesssusan:
Chai! Oga flow no kill me o

I no go kill you.

I don laff tire

flow1759:



Then you should read the next update up there.

Lol