gregzone:


122 NTA-Mgbuoba Road, (former police post
after GT Bank at location round-about). Its called Smartdon Academy, owned by Dj smartdon of Wazobia fm ph.

OK I will give it a shot

flow1759:

OK I will give it a shot

Best of luck bro

Morning came with everyone in the room laughing at me.


“if you see as him wake me make I go show am where toilet dey” One guy Stephen said.

“and naso him hold him belle say him belle dey pain am, hahahahahahahaha!”

“so as we reach toilet” Stephen said, “s’hit na? naso him com dey tell me say him no like our toilet”.



Truth be told, their toilet was out of this world.

Jokes apart, this was how their toilet looked like; A varanda built but with what I will rather call “n’yash inlet” where nyash protruded to poo in the River, what technology?


The part I liked the most was the sound a landing poo made in the river; it sounds according to the size of the poo, I think mine pronounced my surname. Or so I thought.


“Flow oh! so na the soup wey you eat nahim make your belle spoil?” Snow said.

“guy I no know oh, e be like say na the ice cream wey I lick as we dey come!”













We strolled to the village hall where the show was to take place.


“oboy una village girls fine oh” I said.

“yes na, you like them?” Harry said, “na those girls dey contest for the beauty pageant”

“what! So na beauty pageant nahim be the show wey you dey talk of” I was surprised.

“yes na, una no know?”

“we no know na” Snow said, “you no tell us na, you just tell us say na show”

“but I think say I tell you oh”

“no na”

“ok no vex, na beauty pageant” Harry said, “and for night, nahim be beach party”

“you mean am?

“yes na, my brother Tony and Stephen him friend dey for the water side”

“where the beach dey sef?” I asked.

“for our backyard na” Harry said, “that water for back of our house na, the water big well well oh”

“you say what?” I was shocked, “that water wey I go s’hit inside? That s’hit water?”

“no oh, no be the side wey them dey s’hit put” He said, “na for another side”

“but the s’hit no go flow come that side?” Snow asked.

“no oh, e no go flow” Harry said, “that side wey the beach party dey happen deep, but where we dey s’hit shallow”







What nonsense?











“Harry!!” I heard someone called.

“Harry them dey call you!” I tapped Harry.

“no be me, na another Harry” He said.

“Harry oh, I notice say many people dey bear Harry for this village”

“yes na, because this na Harry’s town na”.











By evening, Flow and Snow were set for the Show. **see rhyme**






The show started with some cultural dance and fireworks display. The fireworks displayed wasn’t responsible for my fears, what was responsible for my fears was the I’mbecile that sat close to me.


Saliva dripped out of her mouth watering everywhere including my shoes.

I tried to change location, but I thought otherwise because I had promised Snow to remain there until the show finishes in case he needed to ask me one our two he can easily reach me in the crowd.




“why this m’umu come sidon near me na”






Snow did a good job in introducing the beauties one after the other ably assisted by one short guy that chipped in their native dialect from time to time.



I heard one guy telling his friend that the beach party had started and that it would last till dawn. A beach party at night? I hoped Mami waters weren't included.




I was thinking the pageant would have Bikini display so I would see the "content" of the ladies, but I was disappointed when Snow announced that it was strictly native attire.

I had told myself that if it were not possible for me to go to the beach party alone, I would just go home and sleep, but again, I wasn’t with the house key, it meant I either chose to remain in the rather boring beauty pageant, or go sight seeing at the beach party, sight see and not swim in the s’hitty water.




Soon I found the pageant interesting when the ladies were asked to cook native delicacies on stage.



While contestant number 2 cooked, an accident occurred.

Her plate of soup fell off her hands , she stepped on it, slipped and fell like pack of cards.


Like the I’mbecile that sat close to me was somehow related to contestant number 2, immediately that accident, she hugged me salivating on my shirt; my designers shirt.

With all the strength in me, I pushed her away, and as she came back for another hug, I fled.






Out of the hall, I saw people walking towards one direction which I suspected to be the beach, the river rather.









A very big river it was, it was indeed close to the skies.

The place was well light, with so many factions at the bank. By my left was a bar, by my right was a gym, and from the corner of my eyes I saw that right beside the gym was where the DJ slammed from the turntable.



In the river, some were playing volley ball, while some others were river clubbing. The atmosphere was of fun and booze reeked everywhere.

I saw one guy having sex in the river with a girl that had tattoo all over her, “Mami water never pursue una?” I said to myself, “una no know say na Mami water territory una dey?”


I stood by the gym watching guys that were rather weaklings my by judgement gym.



“I fit join?” I asked one skinny guy.

“you fit join na” He answered, “if you fit carry”

The guys at the gym spoke one language; their native language.

I needed to prove a point to them, that my name was Jimi and I had a bachelor’s degree in “gymiology” the art of the gym.



“put all of them!” I said to the guy that added more weight.

He looked at me for a while and said “you fit carry all?”

“yes na” I said, “no be me say make you put am?”



One guy said something in their language and they all laughed.

“if this one die here, we go run leave am!” Was what I thought he said that made them laughed.

“guys, make una give me the one wey heavy pass” I said, “I go push am 20”

“I swear you no fit!!” one guy said.

“you no fit abeg”

“you wey dry like this nahim wan push 20” I agreed I was losing weight by the day, but like my friend would say; “e dey inside body”

“no body fit push am 10 sef” One guy that looked “ajebuttered” said.

“ok, I don hear una” I said, “if I push 20 how much una go give me?”


“I go give you 20,000 naira” The ajebuttered guy said.

“I go add am 10,000 naira” Assistant ajebutter added.

“where the money?” I asked.

As the both of them brought out hug sums of money from their pockets, that was when it dawned on me where I was; River state and “Oil money” was in abundance.


As I took off my T-shirt and gathered momentum, one guy demonstrated how they wanted me to push the weight.

“and if you no push am? Wetin you go give us?” One guy asked.

“I go give una my phone, and 2k, na the only money wey I get” I pledged.

“and we go flog you join” He assured.

The thought of them all flogging the living day light off me energized me.




“who go hold the money?” I needed to know.

“na this man!” They both handed the money to one dread locked guy.

As an Igbo boy that had igbo brian, I went to the dread locked guy and whispered something to his ears.



This was what I whispered to him:

“If I chop the money, I go give you 10k inside! Just make sure say this your brothers no do me ojoro”


And he was sure willing to betray his brothers for 10k.



I had pushed 10 count when they started detracting my strength with so many gimmicks so I would give up. But my only fan the dread locked guy cheered me on.

Just then, i remembered my Mum's advise about "someone's village". And the thought that those riverine boys might as well kill me and throw my body into the river came to play. But again, i saw the dread locked guy strong enough to take on all of them; i saw the proverbial "S" inscribed on his chest.



Thirteen and my hands had failed me, muscle pull beckoned.

With every push, the weight was getting heavier.






Sixteen and I couldn’t feel my hands anymore.

“you no dey push am well oh” One guy complained.

“him dey push am well jor” The dread locked guy attacked.

It was like the dread locked guy was most dreaded amongst the pack. Or so i thought.






Eighteen and my biceps were nowhere to be found.




“two more!” The dread locked guy cheered.

IHate9ja1:

Best of luck bro

Thank you

Yes!! We made it!!

Best writer of the month.

To all that voted, i thank you all.

I am really happy.

Congrtz Man

Slimzjoe:


Congrtz Man

Thank you!

congrat boss

Flow i voted for u o, so NY share na to update on time. congrats my guy way they make me smile even as everybody free me. River state is a place to be o. Ama when u enter Aboloma and Abalama and buguma. u will see beauty of the day. keep flowing because is snowing here.

jditimiya:
Flow i voted for u o, so NY share na to update on time. congrats my guy way they make me smile even as everybody free me. River state is a place to be o. Ama when u enter Aboloma and Abalama and buguma. u will see beauty of the day. keep flowing because is snowing here.

Why is it that places in River state sound like gun shot: Buguma, Aboloma, Degema, Okirika, Kalabari etc etc

Not to mention the Rumu......... this, Rumu......... that

lol gunshot indeed-oga u no go post dinner?

Congrats Flow Nwanne. I'm glad the hustle paid off and my vote didn't waste.

kalabari is the base of the ijaw in river state, okrika is the evil part of river state they like fight pass peace. but we are all one, to bring PH a place to be. U never share our winnings o. I never forget o

At last I'm thru with my marathon... m an unrepentant FP viewer hence I didn't c dis piece on time. Boss Flow, u r simply d best! Comedy, reality, twists & turns, suspense, etc. u've got it all! I really love ur descriptive ability, very admirable. I've not seen ur other stories to the end sha but I just have to. More grease to ur elbow, data bundle to ur fone/PC and all-round improvement.



BTW, is ur name actually Peter? If yes, we're name sakes o! Big ups boss!!!

eROCK247:
At last I'm thru with my marathon... m an unrepentant FP viewer hence I didn't c dis piece on time. Boss Flow, u r simply d best! Comedy, reality, twists & turns, suspense, etc. u've got it all! I really love ur descriptive ability, very admirable. I've not seen ur other stories to the end sha but I just have to. More grease to ur elbow, data bundle to ur fone/PC and all-round improvement.



BTW, is ur name actually Peter? If yes, we're name sakes o! Big ups boss!!!

Thank you name sake

Welldone ogaflow [color=#006600][/color]

The tidings in the affairs of men does not remain in flood, it ebbs.

My tiding had indeed been flooded of lately, at some point I wished I could get any job, just any job. Or half a job.



“oboy! E get one secondary school wey I get job oh!” I announced.

“ehen! Thank God oh!!” Junior said.

“so na which subject you go dey teach?” Snow asked.

“abi na you go be principal?”





If I was the principal.............. I would work so hard to make the school envy of other schools.

If I was the principal............... I would make sure the environment was conducive enough for learning.

If I was the principal............... I would make sure the students were neat always.

Above all, If I was the principal.................... I would make sure I impregnate at least three of the female students in SS3.


Call me a p'ervert, call me an a'shawo but.........................


"guy if you see as the SS3 girls fine ehn!!" My mouth was ajar.

"hope say no be girl you wan find go there?" Junior said.

"me? no be girl I wan find go oh, i will face my work!" I said.

And at the same time, i might secure my future................. Or so I thought.


"guy mehn! if you see the kin jeeps wey carry them the students come school in the morning ehn!" I said, "e com be like say the school na where them dey sell motor, different motor just dey drive in and out"









"you never tell us wetin you go dey teach there oh" Snow said, "abi na you go be the principal?"

“no oh, no be me go be the principal oh!” I said, “I go dey teach the student Taekwondo”.


I had proposed to the Principal of a school Graceville International School to teach interested students Taekwondo, and indeed it was my privilege to do so.

Graceville management agreed to pay me 20,000 naira every month and that I would be around every Wednesdays 3-5pm that was their club/sport time.




“mehn!! I go resume tomorrow oh!” I told my friends.











Later that evening, I went to Godwin’s shop to charge my phone that had indeed been a pain in my a’ss; charging only with fake chargers.




“oboy you get fake charger?” I asked Fix something as i entered.

“which one be fake charger again” He answered, “I no dey use fake things”

“Flow oh! Why e be say na only fake charger dey charge your phone?” Godwin always interested in other people's matter.

“na because my phone na German phone” German phone indeed.

“Mr. German phone, take charger jor!!” Bush shaker handed me his charger.

“guy na new year be this oh, you need to change oh” George said, “pursue poverty comot for you life oh”

“me and you who need to pursue poverty?” I attacked, “ehnnnn? talk na?”

“you wey if person drive that you Jangolova motor, the person go begin sweat for nyash” I cursed.



The rather morbid testimony of Fix something when he drove George’s “Jangolova” to hustle for 6 hours was:

“mehn!! As I drive the car reach Rumuigbo junction naso the thing com bend go one side oh”

“e bend go one side, but because I need money bad bad, I continue to drive am like that oh”

“why e bend go one side na?” Junior asked.

“omoh, me no know oh” Fix something said, “but as one fat woman sidon for the side wey go up, the thing com dey do jangolova oh”

“I fear oh” He added, “I think say the motor go troway all of us wey dey inside comot oh”

“I no tell you say the motor no good?” I no tell you say e get balancing problem?”

“abeg make we hear word jor! Which own be balancing problem?” Bush shaker said.

"hahahahahahahahahahaha!" We laughed.

“make una hear na!” Fix something narrated further, “as the jangolova manage to stop, motor com stop oh, e no gree move again”


“I need to come down com push am” He said, “but as I come down, naso I see say my trouser don soak oh, e com be like say I piss for body!”

“I swear I think say I piss for body oh!”


“na because the seat dey bring out heat from under na!” George defended.

“m’umu na only your motor nahim dey comot heat from under the seat for this world abi?” Snow said.

“yes na, my motor na scientific motor na!” answered George.

"hahahahahahahahahaha!" We laughed out.


Scientific motor indeed, with a car like his, who needed a car? A car that could never be driven in rainy session all because its roof was basket.



“but George oh, you suppose go troway that motor oh!” I said after struggling to power my phone.

“come help me go troway am na”







“mehn I hear say election na 14th of February oh!” Fix something said.

“naso I hear sef oh!” I said.

“make them no try that thing oh!” Commander Godwin said.

“m’umu! Something wey Federal Government don declare!”


“ehen!!! our Government no get sense oh!”

“me wey I don plan that day” Bush shaker said.

“we know you na, you wan shake plenty bush that day!”

“me? No oh, I wan shake only one bush oh”

“why na?” I asked.

“because to shake plenty bush that day na problem be that oh” He said, “that mean say the person wan die young be that”

If shaking bush reduces one’s longevity, then Bush shaker would surely die at 27, I was sure.


“me wey I don deposit enough money for my girlfriend bai-bai bank” Fix something said, “na that day I go withdraw all the money wey I deposit oh”

Well, “bia-bia” bank isn’t a micro finance bank as some of you will think, I would rather it be called a multi- purpose bank.

It serves so many purposes depending on the account holder, well, lemme speak for myself, it served ATM 24/7 to me, accept during Kel's tenure as the queen of my heart that the ATM came home to my bed 24/7.





“but this Election wey dem fix for valentine day make sense oh” Snow said for Sandra's sake.

“abi oh, person no go carry him babe comot” I added, “because that day no movement”



“who you go vote for that day sef?” Godwin asked.

“who you dey ask? me?” I asked.

“no oh, how I go ask you, everybody know who you go vote for na” He said, “you be Buari pekin na!”



I have ab initio made it known to the “Godwin Barber’s Shop Parliament GBSP” who I was a fan of Politically, and that Person is Buari.
Often times we had argued in GBSP who the right candidate for the presidency was, I never failed to let them know Buari had served and delivered and will deliver again, I never failed to let them know Buari was disciplined and discipline is what we need for our lawlessness in this nation. I never failed to let them know that Buari never stole and will not. Yes, I know you will be saying “all politicians steals”, count them in hierarchy and tell me the position Buari will fall.


I also never failed to let them know that the “shoeless one” now had millions of shoes that he forgot that somewhere in Dunu- Kofia in Anambra state, little Obinna always trekked 30 Kilometres on bare foot to school every morning because his father and mother were poor farmers that couldn’t even afford fertilizer for their crop.



I never failed to let them know that the one that brought “breathe of fresh air” seats in Aso rock to receive Breathe of fresh air from the “presidential A/C” and forget that little Tolu in Ilesa Osun State is breathing air of Cholera because water supply around his neighborhood was gotten from only one source that was close to a gigantic refuse dump.



I never failed to let them know that the one that brought “help to the helpless” helped Musa who hails from Maiduguri, a graduate at 24 who after losing both parents in a car crash caused by an abnormal Police check point decided to enlist in the Islamic sect Boko Haram.





And I saw CHANGE under the sun.

^^Glory be to God that the change we've expected is very much around. #ImminentChange

flow1759:
Yes!! We made it!!
Best writer of the month.
To all that voted, i thank you all.
I am really happy.

congrat

Best writer of the month; Flow u deserve it sa

StormAngel:
Best writer of the month; Flow u deserve it sa

Thank you

BTW wetin you dey look for your hand for that you profile picture?

flow1759:

Thank you
BTW wetin you dey look for your hand for that you profile picture?

hhehehehe mak i run go change am now... I no get strenght biko.

I wanna say you made me smile, laugh. Keep up the good work. I'm glad I voted for you even before I finished reading.

texanomaly:


She don dey sabi well well.

Ahhhhh. Welcome back texanomaly! Saw how you followed Flow's previous stories. But you aren't following nor commenting on this one? Why?
Besides, you said you were coming to visit Nigeria at a time. Did you eventually come?

StormAngel:


hhehehehe mak i run go change am now... I no get strenght biko.

Hahahahahahaha This new one reminds me of the days i tucked in long sleeves shirt in my boxers short just to look funny.

when u see someone that has a like mind like us u will surely know. The broom man flow always saying what is truth even when it snowing in that country. UP APC.......CHANGE...

“guy this days I notice say the kin girls wey you dey like na underage” Snow said to me as we sat at GBS watching TV while waiting for other parliamentarians.

“how you mean?” I inquired.

“I mean say you are a disgrace to me, how can small girls dey fall your hand everyday” He added, “leave these girls alone!”

“the other day one 18 year old girl come report to me say make I tell my brother make him leave her alone” He said, “say the next time you disturb her again she go report to her mother”

“the other day you come house dey frown face, I ask you wetin happen, you say na one small girl tell you say –you are getting on my nerves” He said, “you say that is an insult to you!”

“how e no go be insult to you, when you decided to chase only under 18!”


Godwin that was keenly listening all this while said: “but why na, that is child abuse na!”

“una no get sense!”

“na you wey dey pursue small-small girls nahim get sense?” Snow said.


Just then, I noticed the guy having a hair cut was giggling, not knowing his 16 years old sister was one of the girls that had “fallen my hands”. In fact on two occasions.



The first occasion was when I walked behind her talking to her but she refused giving me listening ears. So like the m’ugu I was, I kept walking behind her for a distance that seemed like trekking from Lagos to Abuja.




On the second occasion unlike the first, she gave me listening ears giggling at my sweet words while I "flowed" like a river. But I was shocked when she abruptly stopped and yelled; “can you stop following me! You I’diot!!”.

Mehn! Shame catch me ehn! I felt like the ground should open up and swallowed me.

Bush shaker who was just walking by laughed uncontrollably.

“why you dey laugh na!”

“hahahahahahahaha! I see how that girl fall your hand oh!”

“but you dey f’uck up oh! Why you no wan follow my advice?”

“wetin be your advice?”

“I don advise you say make you no dey follow small girls” He said, “small girls dey spoil market!”



He had advised me that girls bellow 18 on the one hand were naive and that their minds were still young, and on the other hand they liked hanging out with their "school boys", so any other guy aside their school boys are regarded old. I saw some sense in his advice, because since I started going to Graceville School every Wednesday, I noticed the SS3 girls refused giving me face, I concluded they saw me as an old man, too old to be their fathers I suppose, so I made sure my beard was shaved shinny every Tuesday night against Wednesday. Yet they still never gave me face, and it was worst off after the shave.












Godwin was cutting the hair of someone else when Fix something walked in and brought up a very interesting topic for discussion.


“as Buari use Pastor as him running mate, e make sense?”

I took a deep breath before contributing to the topic; “how e take no make sense?”

“e no make sense because a man of God is not suppose to be a politician” He replied.

“now listen, for a man of God to be a politician is not bad, God created everything and said we should dominate and rule” Like Snow was on my side on that.

“Politics is a dirty game and a Minister of God is not supposed to dirty his hands” Fix something said.

“na true jor, when person be pastor, make the person face him pastor work and leave politics for politicians” Godwin said forgetting his “food” was getting burnt. Not concentrating on his food.

“my friend!! face what you are doing on my head!! Concentrate!!” A b’utt faced man that he was cutting his hair said.

“ok sir!”




“was David in the bible not a king and a man of God?” I said.

“that one na Bible oh, we dey talk of Nigeria wey corruption plenty” Junior said for the first time since entering the parliament.



The Witness brothers Fix something and Junior supported the motion which says; “A Pastor should not be a Politician”, while I and Snow opposed the motion. So the debate continued.


“una two wey dey talk, shebi una church talk say make una no dey vote” I hit the nail on the heads of both Witnesses.

“yes na, if we are citizens of Heaven Kingdom, why will we vote for a Worldly government!” Junior said.




Witnesses have so many believes; believes like not celebrating Christmas, believes like that Jesus Christ did not die in a cross like other Christians claim, that He died in a straight log of wood, believes like there is no Trinity, but the believe of theirs I so much don’t like is that their members shouldn’t vote, second to the believe that their members shouldn’t celebrate their birthdays.


I will never forget a mistake I made while I was in Year one in school.

That mistake was sending my friend Kingsley a happy birthday message.

Before God and Man, I never knew Kingsley was a staunch Witness, and that birthdays were not celebrated by Witnesses.


The message I sent read thus: “Kingso! As today marks the day of your birth, I wish you happy birthday. Where the party to happen na?”. Short and simple.


Few minutes later, my phone beeped and the message I viewed read thus: “I don’t like such kind of massage, don’t wish me happy birthday, wish yourself!”




And that ended our friendship.








Godwin was cutting while he listened to I and Snow’s hot argument with the Witnesses.

Little did he know his cup was full to the brim.







“booormmmm! Borrmmmmm!!” One hot punch landed on his Solar plexus, while another was upper cut.








“I said concentrate on my hair!!"

"You have spoit my hair!!” Our dear Mr. b'utt faced thundered.

jditimiya:
when u see someone that has a like mind like us u will surely know. The broom man flow always saying what is truth even when it snowing in that country. UP APC.......CHANGE...

Yeah

"ebe esere aziza"

There will be Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner today.

flow1759:
There will be Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner today.

Waitn

princesssusan:

Waitn

Na this time una dey chop afternoon food for una house?

LoL. My ribs o!!! :DLoL. My ribs o!!! Can't wait for the next update.