I love Flow, i love Flow no be for mouth.

Vote https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/63#1804027.2017

And Vote rightly.

Thank you.

And see her story of 2011 is on front page today! Why can't this make front page?

flow1759:

Her problem has always been that. She is too proud and spiced with being harsh.

Each day passing, am getting tied of this sh¡T hole called Nairaland.



You've got a mail

“oboy, Christmas don dey reach oh, how person wan take flex?” George said one evening while we sat at Godwin’s barber’s shop.

“mehn!! me I go enter South Africa go flex for there oh!” Bush shaker said.





Bush shaker was the kind that had traveled all around the world on vacation, He had been to Togo, Chile, Brazil, Liberia, Canada, Mexico, Niger republic, France, just name it, and yet he lived in penury, poverty was his namesake.


I was told his father took his stars and fried it with crayfish in his shrine little wonder whatever he tried doing, he failed. He failed in Music, he failed in Football, he failed in farming, he failed woefully in dancing, as a matter of fact, he had failed in all facets of whatever he ventured into.


Even in Education, he had failed woefully. I will never forget him telling us he once schooled in the University of Ghana, Uniport, Unijos, just him alone, and if you asked him what made him leave these institutions, he would say “flexing”.

Flexing was his motto there is no gainsaying that. All celebrities had one way or the other hung out with him. The hanging out I sometimes thought to be on social media like 2go.


Aside flexing, he loved something else so much; shaking bush.



He had shook so many bushes that he was crowned the king of bush.


Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say king of the forest, I said he was crowned king of the bush.

Bush shaker could shake as much as a four hectares land covered with thick bush.


Whenever he shook bush the ground suffered.

Whenever he shook bush the animals fled.

Whenever he shook bush so many trees fell.







Welcome home!!


The bush he shook isn’t the kind of bush in your mind.

He shook the delicious bush.

The bush your father shook that resulted to your.

Yes! That bush. The most delicious of all bushes.


The kind of bush that made me said I was a big f’ool just because the bush holder told me to say so while I shook.




University of Bush Shaking was the name of the institution. Bush shaker was the lecturer, George was the Course rep of the class that had in attendance Snow, Godwin, Junior, Fix something, Oyibo, and rarely Flow who missed classes a lot.




The day I was in class, Bush shaker lectured on the importance of having a Bush shaking account. He said there were different kinds of Bush shaking accounts; The savings account, the current account and the fixed deposit account.


In the savings accounts, you save your money in bits and withdraw any time any day, and anyhow. While in the current account, you withdraw only when the bush owner/holder said so. But strange enough, in the fixed deposit account, your never ever withdraw, you pay in money, and in a jiffy, it is gone, and gone forever.





Bush shaker, even though he said he had four savings, two current, and just one fixed deposit account, warned that none of us his friends should ever think of investing in fixed deposit account, that it was risky.

He also warned that we should always make withdrawals with ATM and not with deposit slips. But his prayers for us was that our ATM cards wouldn’t be seized by the machine, and I said “Amen” to that.


For one’s ATM card to be seized, it meant what they call “yawa” in pidgin.




I will never forget the day Sandra told Snow his ATM card had been seized in her bush, that day was when I saw Snow shook like a jelly fish.

“so Flow wetin I go do na? i don die oh!”

“oboy tell her say make she born am for you, you dey fear?”

“oboy I dey fear oh, person never see food chop belleful, na to come born pekin” He hissed, “Flow I don die be that oh”

“be a man!!” I advised like the superman I was.

“guy this one no dey for - be a man oh! I never wan born oh” He said.

Little did we know it was April f’ool.

April f’ool in November, and Snow didn’t take it lightly with her, he was really mad.

“you are mading, you dey are crazing!! You dey must stupid” I never knew my brother Snow could speak Swahili.











“wetin you wan go do for South Africa na?” I asked.

“I wan enter South Africa with my brother Duncan Mighty” He said, “we wan go perform for one show”.




If Duncan Mighty was the elder brother to Bush shaker, then I am proud to say Banky W is my elder brother.

“you no know say, na there I dey last year Christmas” He boasted, “we raised so many roofs mehn!!”


“na lie abeg!” Oyibo yelled, ”you never go South Africa before, you too dey lie”

“me!! Why will I lie?”

“you dey lie jor!” Snow said.


“me wey me and my brother go South Africa go perform, naso them dash us plenty pounds dollar”




Naira is to Nigeria as Pounds Dollar is to South Africa, according to Bush shaker.



“you say them dash una pounds dollar?” Godwin who always searched for mistakes in people’s speech said.

“yes na!” Bush shaker replied.

“na which day South Africa begin dey use pounds dollar as their money?” I added.

“na wetin them dey use na, na their new currency na?” Bush shaker was so good in arguing that he won every argument, even when he argued Tunisia was in Asia.


That day, I wept for Nigeria. I wept for the kind of graduates Nigeria produced.

Such graduates as Bush shaker that has graduated from Five universities with no degree to show.

I wept that Bush shaker, even though he was what igbo traders call “paranda” in these University, common sense would had told him that because the spelling of Tunisia had “sia” as the last three words, it wasn’t a country in Asia.










“I say South African Money na Pounds dollar” He longed for a heated argument.

“we don hear you”

“we gree”

“na true you talk”









South Africa found a new currency.

Dedicated to those that lost their love ones in South Africa.




Say no to Xenophobia South Africa.


We are Africans!!

stuff46:
And see her story of 2011 is on front page today! Why can't this make front page?


Each day passing, am getting tied of this sh¡T hole called Nairaland.



You've got a mail

I have replied

I have noticed that this days Literature topics don't make "trending" unlike the days of "man wey dey reason"

No disrespect to any moderator, not even the one that has "ish" as the first three letters of her moniker.

I need a moderator to pls explain to me why.

Flow,can u pls send the link of MAN WEY DEY REASON,i rily wanna read dat story

raymonwhizie:
Flow,can u pls send the link of MAN WEY DEY REASON,i rily wanna read dat story

See am here https://www.nairaland.com/1217099/man-wey-dey-reason

flow1759:


Ok make i go fill harvard form.

But i no get money for school fees oh. You go pay for me?

go CBN

Congrats mr flow

princesssusan:
Congrats mr flow

Congrats for what?

Na voting sure pass oh https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/63#1804027.2017


Sai Flow!!

flow1759:
Na voting sure pass oh https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/63#1804027.2017


Sai Flow!!

I think i have done that!

flow1759:
Dedicated to those that lost their love ones in South Africa.




Say no to Xenophobia South Africa.


We are Africans!!

even though I arrived late but still Im following

flow1759:



Congrats for what?

Ahn-ahn i tot i saw u on FP?
Maybe i was dreaming

Ishihate thanks for banning me cos I called u ur real name Rude bitch
Go and learn aw to talk/type(whichever) and think also
U r a mod, u shouldn't be addressing nairalanders as if u r a rascal. I pointed out to u that ur post up there is full of hatred. Hatred pikin

Guestartiste:
Ishihate thanks for banning me cos I called u ur real name Rude bitch
Go and learn aw to talk/type(whichever) and think also
U r a mod, u shouldn't be addressing nairalanders as if u r a rascal. I pointed out to u that ur post up there is full of hatred. Hatred pikin

Rude bit.ch

Diokpa flow,come n update mbok kuyerese

On the Eleventh day of Christmas Flow said to Snow..........................


“Mehn I dey enter street go find work” I announced.

“no whala”

“why you talk say no wahala na?”

“nothing oh, I just talk no wahala na! abi wahala dey?” Snow said.


“guy mehn! i no know how you see am oh, but I need to get a good job, man pekin dey suffer her na?”








I thought drinking Garri was suffering until I arrived Port Harcourt. I drank Garri only when I needed to be chubbier back then in Lagos.

Legend has it that a cup of Garri a day for 4 weeks could make one as chubby as a loaf of Bread dipped into water. It has indeed worked for me I must say, it made me so chubby that i needed to expand my door during my Final year in school.

In my days of being an undergraduate, I always drank four cups a day at minimum. Soon I saw no suffer in drinking Garri as far as it was drank with worst of groundnut.



But Port Harcourt and my brother Snow had overtime thought me to drink Garri without groundnut and saw it as living large.



A wise man once told me that it is only one that has not seen real suffering that will call drinking Garri three times a day suffering.


If thus goes the nursery prayer; "some have food but cannot eat, some can eat but have not food, we have food and we can eat, Glory be to thee o Lord,.......... Amen", then Glory will always be to God for providing Garri and that we can gladly eat it, even without groundnut and sugar.


Since arriving Port Harcourt city, I have drank about 755 cups of Garri, with whooping 422 without Groundnut and Sugar. God save my Soul!


Like Snow always said whenever he drank Garri without sugar: “Sugar dey cause Low s’perm count”

“and groundnut dey cause high blood pressure” I most times added.


Poor boys that cant afford three square Garri meal with groundnut and sugar!! Poor boys!!








I promised to search tirelessly to get a job, a good job.

Otherwise, I will surely steal, I promised I will rob a bank.

“make we go thief for bank na?” Snow suggested.

“you say wetin?”.

“I say make we go rob na?” He repeated, “abi you dey fear?”

“me? Fear?”

“why I go fear?”

I thought of it for a while, and something worse came to my mind.

“make we kidnap Agatha na” I suggested.


Agatha was the direct elder sister to Snow, but she was as wicked as devil’s assistance.

I had given my CV severally to her husband in case a vacancy surfaces in NNPC where he works or any other place for that matter, yet Agatha had severally chewed my CV like chewing gum.

“what was her problem?” I often asked.

On several occasions she had altered that her reasons for not helping others that needed help was because she “has really suffered”.





Who hasn’t?

Is it me that have never used my “kpali” since I graduated.

My kpali has never ever been seen by an employer since I acquired it. The closest it came to an employer seeing it was when I was told “you are such a brilliant young man, we will get back to you to verify your credentials and employment”



The next closest was “you lack the experience for this job, we need at least 10 years experience”

“where do I get the experience?” I often asked myself, “is it from working in a place like Wilo where I was paid peanut and my experience was in the street as a delivery man?”


Sometimes i thought the paper used in printing my Kpali was cursed. Don't you think so?








The next morning, I and Snow was dressed corporately and we hit the street in search of an invincible job.








Rumuola known for its hustle and bustle and can be likened to Oshodi in Lagos.


But on a second thought, Port Harcourt is like Paradise when compared to the Hell called Lagos. It is in Port Harcourt that a commuter bus will park well for passengers to get down when they shout “dropping dey oh!”, try that in Lagos, shout “owa!” hundred times, the best the driver could offer is to keep moving for you to "jump down". And if you don’t jump down, the driver, the conductor and a greater percentage of the passengers will rain abuses on you.

Abuses like; “you dey craze oh, you wan waste our time”

“m'umu!! lazy boy! You no fit jump down”

“jump down jor! See him big head!!” even if your head was like an egg.

“see man wey dey do like woman!”

And if you are lucky, it might be mild; “e no go better for you!”









Destination Trans Amadi.



“Good afternoon a'boki” I greeted one skinny man.

“gof afternoon, make I help you?”

“yes you may help us!” Snow answered.

“we are looking for a job?”

“wetin I be ajof?” He asked.


“no oh, no be ajof, na a job” I corrected him, “we dey look for work”

“ok! Work” He smiled, “una wan work”


“yes, una get work for here?” Snow asked.

“work I ………………………….” He thought for a while.

“work I no dey” He announced, “but I fit drop my CP, I go help me submit am”

“CP?” Snow asked, but I knew what he meant, CV.

“see my CV here” I handed it over to him.

He collected the CV from me in a rather unpalatable way, like it was tissue paper and he longed to poo, so I brought to his notice; “na the CV nahim I give you so oh”.

“I know” He replied.

Just as I and Snow was about stepping out of the compound, a woman with “Guguru ati ekpa” came in with her ware.

“so them dey sell Guru ati ekpa for Port Harcourt?” I asked myself.




My mind played back the days of Guru ati ekpa in Primay school, how someone stole the Guru and ekpa in my bag while I was in primary five. I saw the person while he stole it from my bag, yet I allowed him.




“Ugo! See Oyei dey collect something from your bag!” Bayo said to me.

“no be my bag” I replied.

“na your bag na! see am!” He showed me.

“I say no be my bag!!” I yelled, all because Oyei was the World heavy weight champion.







“oboy see!!” I came back to reality, “see! na your CV that Guguru Woman use dey sell Guguru for that A’boki”




Graduate's tears.

oga flow,keep up the good work and keep flowing... I read ur man wey dey reason and Ibo wey like Yoruba as a guest some months ago...apparently I joined nairaland just to tell u thanks for putting smiles on my face... keep flowing

crissuarez:
oga flow,keep up the good work and keep flowing... I read ur man wey dey reason and Ibo wey like Yoruba as a guest some months ago...apparently I joined nairaland just to tell u thanks for putting smiles on my face... keep flowing

God bless you.


Show your love for me by voting me as the writer of the month here https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/63#1804027.2017

Thank you.

PS: Don't forget to vote rightly.

Dinner will be Garri

Searching for treasure in the treasure base of the nation, I have only found skulls and cross bones.



“What! You mean am? Agatha say make we come her house!” I was stunned at such breaking news.

“yes na, her pekin dedication na tomorrow” Snow said.

“go baf make we dey go na!” He added, “na this night she say make we begin dey come, e be like say we go sleep there”





Rumuokoro glowed as usual, with people displaying their wares on the floor, reminded me of Kotangora market in Lagos, just that Kotangora unlike Rumuokoro your pocket can be picked as easy as ABC.


“two-two thousand!! two-two thousand!!” Two thousand naira for an Andriod phone? Imagine? China we hail thee!!

“oboy came collect phone na!” The seller was referring to me.

“me? I no dey use this kin phone oh” Was my response.

“you dey mad oh, you no dey use this kin phone, see you, your levels no reach am na” He cursed, “see your shoe, world trekker!!”.



He lied, I was not world trekker, I was assistant world trekker while Snow was at the helm of affairs when it came to trekking.


I will never forget him suggesting that we trekked from Rumuigbo to Garison within 45 minutes.

We did trek the distance. But our shoes went "chamfer".


Since I came to Port Harcourt, I have bought about three shoes. The shoes albeit cheap, all lost their soles to trekking.




The trek from Rumuigbo to Garison could best be described as star trek, because I saw stars all around my head on reaching finish line.






“where Angela go com waka go sef?” We arrived.

“and her number no dey go!”




“eya! Make una sorry, we go buy groundnut oil wey we go use cook the food for the child dedication” She alighted her husband’s X-terra Nissan.

“good evening sir!!” I and Snow chorused as her husband alighted.

Yes! You read rightly, sir! Agatha’s husband was elderly.

Very very elderly, well, of my father’s age.

Rumor had it that, Agatha agreed to marry him after his late wife pleaded on her dying bed for him to marry her, that she was a good girl.





Good girl indeed!!

Good girl that fed the community while her brother and cousin lacked the least cup of Garri to drink.

Good girl that always gave 2500 naira to two grown men as feeding money for a month, yet her husband worked where he was paid 800,000 naira monthly, while she owned a big hair dressing shop.

Good girl that calls her brothers on phone only on October 1st Independent day, and of course, during her child dedication to cook.



Yes to cook.


“una know say all the women for this compound, many of them don travel, na only their husbands dey, na una and one of my church member go cook the food oh” That sounded like a punch line from Bovi the comedian.

“but them my two workers go join una if them close for work” She added.





“Flow, na you go cut the meat” Like he saw “butcher of the year” written on my forehead.

“no wahala! But that change for the meat wey you buy, use am go buy The Rock for us” I administered.


“like how many The Rock we go use clear our eye start this work?” He asked a very important question.

“make we use six-six start!” I said.

“ok six?”

“no oh, I mean twelve, six for me, six for you”


“twelve what?”



If you live in Port Harcourt and you don’t know “The Rock drink”, then chances are that you are a pastor.


Lagos is to Alomo bitters as The Rock is to Port Harcourt, I can say that.



As I gulped down the 4th sachet of The Rock, my eyes grew wider. I saw everything as triple with both eyes open, and everything shrunk with only my left eye open.


So I opened just my left eye as I butchered in other to avoid cutting of a finger.







“ehen!! As una don come, make una go change come join us!” Came Agatha’s workers.


One was ugly, and the other was uglier.

But on looking closely at the dark one with my “infamous” left eye, she was beautiful.






“you fast oh, now-now you don cut all this plenty meat finish” The woman that looked like a w’itch said, little did she know I was motivated by brother Rock.







“why this woman eye be like this? Her eye red” I said to Snow as i sat drinking my seventh sachet of brother Rock.

“you dey see well so? her eye no read, e green” Like I and my brother Snow was going colour blind.

“ok, na now I see am well, some side na red, some side na green” whereas it had suddenly turned purple.


“you sure say this woman no go poison this food?” I asked Snow.

“no na why would she? she can’t do such a thing na!” With time I had noticed Snow spoke better when drunk, and after having s’ex too.


I remember him telling Sandra she was “the most delectable drop dead gorgeous lady in the earth’s space and indeed the universe intoto”.




Here comes the Queens!


The ugly queens c'atwalked in, and i noticed the fair one was now beautiful, but looking upside down, or was it that I was seeing “things”?

I was indeed seeing things upside down including my own head, all thanks to the eleven sachets of The Rock I had drank.



“you! Come help me put this fire wood well!” The commander in chief of w’itches ordered.

"me? abi my brother?" I wished it was him.

"you na!"




As I walked to the fire place to adjust the firewood, I saw what made my mouth ajar.

The fair ugly queen had her legs wide open, and she wore skirt.


I was looking at her “gate of hell” while walking to the fire place, and I lost focus, and………………………..




Tragedy happened.




Tragedy and Comedy.

@ flow,you right abt De rOCK,I DONT DRINK but i ve seen it with dudes here.ph nawa o...i don tire.imagine that gateman,in my own case the gateman called me and adviced me to get an inside man.....rugged gate keepers

hahahahah


We go see tragedy and comedy join together.
Oboy 12 DeRock is equal to 1squadron na, you for kuku take am na.

With respect to our pretty mod ishilove

flow churns out new words better than her.

Imagine 'sharied'

Nwanne
Hi 5
FP

After fighting many wars with the mods..

We finally made frontpage....

Aluta continues... Victory is certain

Yeahhhhhhhhh!!!
Frontpage tins, congrat flow

man wey sabi

As ur intro b eh I tink say d story 4 make sense die bt anyway put more effort! Flow baba!

.flowey thought u were on sabbatical or so I thought