Flow get mouth pass ishilove o chai

chinedumo:
Flow get mouth pass ishilove o chai

Hello

blueeyes1:
Hello

hi.
You are back.
Hard for any girl to replace you.

Hope you are enjoying flow's story

read my story "The End" https://www.nairaland.com/2310399/end#33678085

flow1759:
Truth be told, I was hating Kel on per seconds count. He slept with almost everything on trousers that worked in both Wilo Security company and Wilo Courier services limited.


“oboy ee!!!!!! If you see wetin my eye see as I enter office today ehnn!!!” Segun said as we sat to drink at Mama Sikiru’s bar.

“wetin you say you see sef?” Amos asked as he put on his antenna to pick reception. His ears was not only as big as an antenna, it was also as big as a Satellite dish of those days.

While Amos’s ears were bigger than two Cassava leaves put together, mine was as small as Peanut.


“oboy as I come back from hustle today, as I reach office, na so I see say office door dey open, I kukuma no knock, I just enter like that”

“ehen!!!!! Wetin come happen?” I was really curious.

“no dey rush me na!!! allow me make I yan”

“no mind Flow jor, yan!!”

“As I enter office, naso Kel rush come block me as I wan enter Oga office go tell am good evening”

“why she block you na?” I asked.

“Flow!!! I don tell you make you no dey rush me” He warned.

“Segun no mind am jor, continue to dey yan”

“oboy as the girl block me, nahim I com look see say she wear only b.ra”

“eheeeeeeeen!!”

“I first think say she just finish run inter house sports, because if you see as she dey sweat?!!”

“why na?”

“oboy I no know oh, but as i push her comot for road com enter oga office naso i see say Oga kpatakpata dey try to botton him shirt, na there I com know say the thing wey dem dey do pass inter house sport”

“dem dey do kerewa”

“Kel skirt zip dey down sef”

“ehen!!!! Nawa oh!!!”

“so our Oga dey browse for Kel Cyber café?” I saw Amos’s ears grew bigger.

“guy him dey chop her Kpomo oh, and you know the one wey funny?”

“wetin!!!!?”

“As them see me enter the office naso two of them begin dey explain wetin I no ask them”

“Oga first say:---- eeennh, the room is hot------ room wey no hot, room we AC dey on”

“Kel come dey begin dey tell me say she dey do exercise oh”


“hahahahahahah!” I and Amos laughed.

“Exercise on top her Oga, hahahahahahah!”



“but why oga go dey chaet on him wife na?”

“I no know oh”

“and him wife fine well well no be small”




Mr Wole’s wife was really a beauty to behold; best described as an elder sister to Genevieve Nnaji the actress. I will never forget the day I introduced her as my Girlfriend to my friend Bola.




I drove Mrs Akeju in her Toyota Camry 2.2 car one Saturday, and as we ran short of Fuel, we drove into one filling station somewhere in Festac. As I stepped out to tell the attendant my request, I saw someone stepped out of another car. He was my Friend Bola that I met while I was in Osun state serving.


“Flow how far na!!!”

“Bola the footballer!!! How far na!!!” We shook hands and hugged.

“guy you don turn big boy oh, na you get this car?” The car he drove was a Honda “karishi M’agana”.
In Hausa language, Karishi M’agana is not a type of food but a make of Honda car. It means “End of discussion”.


I was told Honda car manufacturing company ended all their discussions pertaining manufacturing of cars, so they threw away all their manufacturing equipment and named the last car they manufactured “End of discussion”. A discussion they later continued.





“na you get this end of discussion?”

“na me oh, na this one wey I just dey manage for now”

“guy you call this one manage?!!”

“na better motor na, e make sense well”

“you nko, na you get this one?” He pointed at the Toyota Camry 2.2 I parked.



Since I never wanted to “fall my hand” I answered: “eeeeeehn!! Na me get am oh, I just dey mange am oh”

“you be correct!!!!”

“what of that babe wey dey inside, na your babe abi?” He pointed at Mrs Akeju seated at the front seat. She always liked sitting by my side while i drove, i couldn't tell why.



Since I needed not to “fall my hand” also, I whispered; “eeeeeeeeeh!!!!!! Yes oh na my babe oh, I just dey manage her”

“which kin manage? guy the babe fine jor”

“naso I see am oh”






Before I could say Damaturu, Mrs Akeju came out of the car and Bola spilled the Beans.



“Flow you no go introduce me to your babe?”

“which babe?” I almost denied.



Before I could say another Danmaturu again, Bola stretched out his hand to shake my Boss’s wife.

“no be my babe oh!!!” I almost said.

“introduce me to him na!! am i not your babe?” Mrs Gladys smiled.






But again instead of “falling hands” I said: "why not? you are my lovely baby!!!!" My legs started shaking like I was a Jelly Fish.



“eeeeeeeeh!!!!! Gladys meet Bola my lost but found Friend since service year, Bola meet Gladys, she is my…………………………………….”

“.....girlfriend!!!” Mrs Gladys helped me answered.






As we drove home that evening, Mrs Gladys quoted from Genesis to Revelation of the Bible to me, and turned the car into a Pulpit.

flow, for causing me dis pain in d stomach while laughing. I hereby. ........

jditimiya:
Trypa I will stand in as ur campaign manager that if I want me to handle all ur campaign program and make u win like APC. if yes inbox me with ur reply and means of payment. For flow am doing these o.

very much appreciated.

For all hustlers of the die hard fan of clubs like mine... Manchester United,if carrick,wayne no play wahala dey o.I hope rojo is back coz I never see am for training,e mean say na valencia,jones,smalling or mumu evans,young go dey back make blind play 4 for us with the usual mata,herrera n who knows who dis wicked LVG go use,mayb falcao n fella or wilson n vp that is if wayne is fit to play after his thigh ish against Crystal P...GGMU as the Reds are marching on

And flow 1759 this is for you,no go bet am ooo,e b like kora.dem go use am do u the more u look the less u see.if u wn bet,go for others and leave it.

waistaa:
For all hustlers of the die hard fan of clubs like mine... Manchester United,if carrick,wayne no play wahala dey o.I hope rojo is back coz I never see am for training,e mean say na valencia,jones,smalling or mumu evans,young go dey back make blind play 4 for us with the usual mata,herrera n who knows who dis wicked LVG go use,mayb falcao n fella or wilson n vp that is if wayne is fit to play after his thigh ish against Crystal P...GGMU as the Reds are marching on

I will say a big Amen to that.

Man U needs to resurrect. Maybe next season.

“oboy I no hold offering oh!!” I said to Junior as we walked to the church.

“we no dey put offering for our church oh!”

“you say what?”

“I talk say them no dey put offering for our church”

“why na?”

“where is it written that we should give offering?” He asked, “where?”

“well, me I don’t know oh” I answered, “all I know is that it is good to give”

“see ehn! For our church, wetin we dey do anything wey you like you give a voluntary contribution wey them go give to the less privilege” Junior explained.


“Give and it shall be given onto you, good measures press down, shaken together and running over shall men give to your bossom- no be wetin Bible talk?”

“yes! The bible said that!”

“since the Bible said that, it simply means we should give" Pastor Flow preached.

“givers never lack!” If that quote was true, then your guess is as good as mine pertaining to how rich Witnesses are. I no talk anything oh.




“Flow lets forget about that one for now, I want you to speak only English from now till we enter the church” Junior said, “we are close to the Kingdom hall already”

“did you hear what I said?”

“yes sir!” I yelled.



“guy! I don forget Bible for house oh!” I realized suddenly. Talk of a farmer going to farm without machete.

“why you no carry am na?” Junior was surprised.

“I don already keep am for on top bed, I no know wetin make me go forget am”

“no worry, I go collect Bible for church give you” Junior promised, "Bible plenty for church"




I kicked dust severally as I walked faster to meet up Junior who was too hasty for my liking.

“guy I go fit see rag to clean my shoe for inside una church?” It’s like his church had everything for first timers, including Garri and Groundnut,a hungry me thought.





The church premises was simple and with beautiful flowers everywhere. Glowing exterior and a more glowing interior; the church brought back fun memories of when I was younger as a Catholic.



With Nostalgia, I will never forget an experience.


I was 5, young and energetic a food lover.

That was in the era when lunch was dinner, and since my Mum stated it as a rule that no church service, no food; that means “who no go church e no go chop!”


My first Holy Communion preparatory class teacher had told me that after service that Sunday I will recite the Our Father from the beginning to the end 10 times, The Hail Mary round the Rosary, The Angelis, Psalm 23 from beginning to end 12 times and if you leave her she would also say I should recite the Koran and the National Anthem.

What was my offense?

She caught me sleeping in the first Holy Communion preparatory class. Even after I explained to her that it was a result of the Beans and Akamu I ate that morning that made me slept, she still gave me so draconian a punishment. Maybe my mum had told her about the "who no go church e no go chop" rule, maybe she saw in the spirit that i sneaked to the house of our neighbour to eat the Beans and Akamu. Maybe not.


She said I was the dullest in her class that was what fueled her punishment, and that if I don’t recite all she said i should recite, she will flog me blue, black and rainbow.


During the week, I always remembered her in prayers. This was my prayer every morning during morning devotion:

Lord bless my Father and my Mother!! Make my mother to mistakenly add an extra meat to my plate of food every time she dishes food. As for Aunty Kate, Pls Lord cripple her so she will have no leg to walk to our house and dish food without meat, or better still kill her. Lord, I want you to make the past tense of See to be Sun because that is what I wrote in our last exam. One more thing Lord, Pls help me make Aunty Helen our teacher in church to be deaf, dump and blind, and if she refuses to repent, make her cripple too………………………….. Amen.



“Ask and it shall be given unto you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open unto you” That was the mindset I carried to church that Sunday. I longed to see Her royal Wickedness Aunty Helen deaf, dump, blind and crippled at the same time.


The church was crowded with every kid walking hand in hand with their mum and dad.

Since my Dad went to Liberia on peace keeping mission when I was 3, my mum stood to us three as a father and a mother, and sometimes as a bodyguard and a Shoe mender too.


I smiled as we entered the church premises knowing I serve a God that answers prayers.




“see Aunty Helen!” My younger brother yelled all of a sudden.

Like a robot, I turned and behold i saw the devil with two horns walking towards my direction.

I forcefully freed myself from my mother’s grab and dashed into the crowd.


I had ran a distance of 100 metres, when I turned to see if someone chased after me. To my greatest surprise, my dear brother chased.


Was he a spy for Aunty Helen?

Was he paid to chase after me?

Why would a brother betray his only brother?

I ran so fast as I swayed being stopped abruptly by the crowd. In fact, if there was a child Usain Bolt, I was the one.

I was tired, yet my younger chased on.

My legs failed me, yet my younger brother chased.

I had ran to the main road, yet my dear younger brother chased.

Or was he paying me back for stealing the meat from his plate of rice when power went out the previous night?


“when you want to cross the road, look left, right, and left again” Was traffic rule. I failed the traffic rule as I dashed across without looking.


The closer and closer my younger brother ran the weaker my legs, until I fell flat facing down, and my younger brother fell on me.



“Abeg na! no carry me go give Aunty Helen!” I cried, “Abeg na!”

“make we run, e be like say she dey come!” My younger brother said.

That was when it dawned on me that He ran without knowing why. The just ran because his elder brother ran.

















The Kingdom hall was so simple that the microphone they used was the wired type, their windows were the louvers type, their pulpit was wooden. No musical instrument, no choir members, no ushers.


They preached about why there is no trinity, that the person of the Holy spirit was fiction. They preached why Christmas shouldn’t be celebrated and so many things that made me saw them as none Christians. At some point I said to myself; “if trumpet blow now, I don go hell oh!” “I go get direct ticket to hell just because of this things wey I dey hear” “e no better make I dey beer parlour when trumpet sound than make I dey here?”

As funny as it sounds, in the Bible Junior gave to me, i saw God as "Jehova", and I saw in some verses "Jay" making me think i was in Jamaica.

They also preached that Jesus died in a log of wood and not a cross as most Christians believe.

“Father forgive them for they know not what they are saying” I prayed.








I was glad when service ended, little did I know there was a trap in the kitty for me.


“Brother collect as much as you can read!” One beautiful lady beckoned.

The Witness sisters i saw were so so beautiful; all of them, but I had promised myself not to get carried away by their beauty and as mistake would have it, I married one of them and become a Witness.

Witnesses are first class in winning Souls I must say, little wonder they used such beautiful queen as bookstand attendant. And little wonder the Sunday afternoon house to house preaching that was their custom.

“Flow collect oh! You no go pay, na free!” See Junior that said I should speak English alone.

I was staring at the beautiful lady and forgot myself picking my fourteenth book from the bookstand.

“you still want more?” The beautiful lady asked.

“ok lemme take one more!” I took one that looked like it was written in Spanish.

“God bless you brother!” She said.

“And bless you too!”




“…but brother you can assist the printing of these materials with anything you have”

waistaa:
And flow 1759 this is for you,no go bet am ooo,e b like kora.dem go use am do u the more u look the less u see.if u wn bet,go for others and leave it.

Thanks for the advice!

flow1759:

Thanks for the advice!

...nnooo

“abeg comot there! I no like una church!” We argued outside

“instead of me make I dey go una church, e no better make I become muslim?”

“No mind Junior jor!” Otukpa said.


Yeah you read right! Otukpa. Otukpa from the dead.


Otukpa had started being in talking terms with us, just because he wanted us to help him share drinks and food in his Oga’s Hospital opening ceremony.


Otukpa’s Oga Doctor Great was opening another hospital close to Rumuokuta.

“so una go follow me share drinks abi?”

“yes na, no wahala” I said, “as far as we go carry plenty drink go house after the party?”

“wahala no dey if na that one” He answered, “drinks go borku!”



Borku! That word made me remembered eating “Oboku” in Ilesa.


The first day I stepped my foot in Ilesa from Orientation Camp, I met Funmi.


Funmi was fresh and young and she needed to mingle, so I “mingled” with her while she gave me Oboku in turn.

Our "mingling" lasted for just a week, afterwhich it ended abruptly.


During the one week of our relationship, Oboku was my only source of protein.


I will never forget the Legendary Okro soup Funmi cooked with Oboku. That was the day I discovered there was crude oil in Okro soup. And there was Coal in Oboku too.


“won’t you eat?” She ate alone.

“I will eat, I have not brushed my teeth!” I lied.

“anhan! You have not brushed since morning?”

“yes, I have not brushed!” I continued reading what I was reading on my phone.

"won't you eat Oboku?" She asked me, but i was carried away.


***I have not said this before, no pun intended, this is for real, it happened, Jokes apart***

***My Aunty Ishilove no be say I wan curse you oh, I had wanted to write this in Ibo Boy Wey Like Yoruba, but due to the fact that so many activities unfolded during my service year it escaped my mind to write about Funmi that was my first Yoruba Love****

I was reading a story in a Forum called Nairaland, the Story was “Wasimi………………. Something, I can’t remember now” by one wonderful writer Ishilove.

“I think I will give writing a story in this forum a second thought” I thought, “I think I will make a good writer of non-fiction comic”

“I think I can be a good writer like Ishilove………..”



“Flow………………….” Funmi dragged me to reality.

“ehnnnnnn Ishilove” I slipped my tongue.

“you say? Ishi what?” She yelled.

“did I say Ishi anything?”

“you dey ask me?”

“I wanted to say Ishiewu” I lied, “where can I buy Ishiewu in this town?”

“Ishiewu?”

“yeah!”

“don’t worry I will take you there” She was glad, "it's a very big place"


And yes she took me to where we ate four plates of ishiewu each the following day, what made me call it quit dating her was because she was a glutton to the core. She cared not that I was a corper that needed to manage the little allowee I was paid. If I complained, she would shut my mouth with Oboku.





“make una just come!” Otukpa said. “drinks go Borku!”

“make una dress well oh!”

“no wahala, we go show, as far as na me and Snow go sleep for cooling van wey them the drinks dey”



That experience still rings back in my mind.

The day I was locked in a cooling van. I and my friend Booze.

It happened in a wedding ceremony of a secondary school friend of mine in Calabar.

I was designated to be the one that would enter the cooling van and bring out the drinks deep inside.

I had finished bringing out the Cans Coke that were deep inside, and something in me told me to go back inside that there might still be some more. I was searching for Can Coke inside when darkness fell.

“who close the door!” I yelled.




I seized that opportunity to drink about ten Can Heineken before reaching for my phone to call for help lest I froze.


When the door was opened my legs were jittery and my eyes were shutting all thanks to Chairman Heineken. Or better still "enikeni" like Segun called it. According to Segun enikeni means anybody in Yoruba, that was the more reason why the drink had Yoruba origin.













The D-day came. I, Snow and Junior wore clothes so starched that they looked like parachutes on us.

“guy you know say na drink we go dey share” Snow said, “you go dirty this white wey you wear oh!”

“abeg forget that thing jor!”


I was told since Doctor Great was a staunch PDP member that Bar. Nyesom Wike who turned out to be Rivers State Governor elect would be the father of the day, so many other Crème de la Crème were there present.





I shared drinks to some and was insulted, to some others, I was spat on, while to a handful I was praised. I so much prevented my shirt to be stained.


The state of the art Suya stand was behind the building and people trooped there to get Suya sticks.

“Snow my mind dey that Suya oh” I said, “e be like say e go sweet oh”

“we go go later, make we share drink finish” She advised. "She" in the sense that i was staring at Snow's a'ss as he took off his shirt and "rolled it" in the tight jean he wore. Or was i drunk?

“Suya wey go soon finish!” I left him.

"no go! them go keep our own for us!" He warned.


“fly wey no dey hear word dey follow dead body enter grave” Goes an Adage in pidgin, I heeded not to that adage as I walked towards the Suya spot to get a stick.



“Make everybody leave here” One dark guy ordered.

“leave here!” He pushed the crowd.

And like a pack of card, I fell to the ground.

My white shirt was stained.

Where me and my Suya hunting colleagues fell was where empty sachet water bags were hipped.

I struggled with the sachet water bags as I tried to stand up.


“if I fall, I will raise again” I rose triumphantly.

Snow that just walked in suddenly started laughing on seeing me.

“Hahahahahahahahah!”

“why you dey laugh?

“Hahahahahahahahaha!! Mumu see wetin you carry for head!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!”


I saw I carried sachet water sack on my head and I looked like crowned prince of Dubai.

What is Oboku?

Ishilove:
What is Oboku?

Yes that is more like it.
Flow is your admirer.
You need to encourage him.
He longs for it.

Ishilove:
What is Oboku?

Yes that is more like it.
Flow is your admirer.
You need to encourage him.
He longs for it.

Ishilove:
What is Oboku?

I think say you be Yoruba?

Remind me of that your story from way back?

Wasimi..........something something

Ishilove:
What is Oboku?

Oboku na fish

ghost mode deactivated
Flow u too much
But u dey jump story no be small. Man wey dey reason n ibo boy wey like yoruba dey straigtforward dan dis flow n snow
So i tot.
I like u sha

ajumaxbabe:
ghost mode deactivated
Flow u too much
But u dey jump story no be small. Man wey dey reason n ibo boy wey like yoruba dey straigtforward dan dis flow n snow
So i tot.
I like u sha

Where and where i jump, no vex?

flow1759:


Where and where i jump, no vex?

Flow baba,I dey really enjoy the story,but sincerely,there is no co-herence in the plot unlike "man wey dey reason, barrack boy,etc. But you're good story teller.

Alexgeneration:
Flow baba,I dey really enjoy the story,but sincerely,there is no co-herence in the plot unlike "man wey dey reason, barrack boy,etc. But you're good story teller.

Ok noted. I will do something about it.

But you guys should know that it is true life.

flow1759:

Ok noted. I will do something about it.
But you guys should know that it is true life.

you na correct guy,I believe you. More ink to ur pen though.

Flowey....i don dey laff so tey my marle dey check my temperature....after i finished with man wey dey reason.,i av been lukin 4 oda stories 4rm u and i stumbled on dis,..m hapi i finally caught up...i be ur number1 fan
still we flow

Flow: Ishilove... Funmi: Ishi what?... Flow: ...Ishiewu... Me: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Flow u go kill me shy. I hope Nairaland First Lady, Pati...no, sorry, Ish no bore o. On the other hand, I like to see her mad: It's hilarious. With her English ranting. Man, guess I'm being mischievous. Anyway...

waistaa:
For all hustlers of the die hard fan of clubs like mine... Manchester United,if carrick,wayne no play wahala dey o.I hope rojo is back coz I never see am for training,e mean say na valencia,jones,smalling or mumu evans,young go dey back make blind play 4 for us with the usual mata,herrera n who knows who dis wicked LVG go use,mayb falcao n fella or wilson n vp that is if wayne is fit to play after his thigh ish against Crystal P...GGMU as the Reds are marching on

I pray our beloved team succeeds o. Depay coming in is a good start. We'll be better next season; we just need to get through this one. GGMU. Red Army Forever.

flow1759:


Ok noted. I will do something about it.

But you guys should know that it is true life.

Flow I just read your other stories, they are quite good but I am confused here, in "Barrack Boy" you said you finally became an officer and got married, that was after your NYSC. So how come about this story?

“A computer trainer needed urgently, call the manager on 080……………………………”

I saw on a board written with chalk as I walked towards GBS one evening.

“I fit apply for this job oh” I said to myself, “I fit get the job oh!”

“hello! This number flashed me twice”

Since I had no money for airtime to call, I flashed the manger and he called.

“Yes sir! My name is Flo……………. I mean Peter” I stammered, “my name is Peter”

“I saw your advert for the job of a computer trainer, I think I can fit in that position” I said.

“Ok, are you good and can handle a class?” He asked.

“yes sir, I have taught student so many times in the past”

“ok, can you come to my office now?”

“Yes………….No……….. Yes” My voice shook.

“which one is Yes….. No?”

“I mean Yes!”

“No” Because I was supposed to attend my younger sister’s graduation bash that evening, and I was supposed to be on my way so I would be in Owerri before dark.


“I will be coming to your office right away sir!”

As I headed East to his office my mind was playing how he would tell me the little amount I will be paid every month for the services I will be rendering.

“Young Man, due to how small our institute is, you will be paid the sum of Ten Thousand Naira monthly, with time, your pay will rise".

Was it ever dead?

It is only in Nigeria that a Graduate will be paid 10,000 Naira monthly. Such amount small enough to be what a Nigerian Politician use to buy Tissue paper daily.





“good afternoon sir!”

“Good afternoon! Sit down!”




“why this one dey look my face? Abi I fine?” I wondered.

“is like I know this face!” The chubby man said, “have we met?”

I thought the interview question had started.

“Me? Bet? I don’t bet oh!”

“hahahahahahahahahahah! You are funny, I think you will be an interesting guy to work with us”

“I said have we met? Not have we bet?”

“met? what is met?” I asked.

“hahahahahahahah! You are so so funny!” He almost fell to the ground laughing.

“I mean have I seen you before?” He asked in the language I understood, before then he was speaking french.

“no oh!”

“have you come to my Cyber café to browse before? I mean this cyber cafe?” He pointed left.

“Yes sir, I always come to browse here regular” I answered.

“ehen! That is where I have seen you!” He spoke like there was water in his mouth.

“you have sinned?” I asked.

“sinned?”

“hahahahahahahahaha! No I said, that is where we have seen”

“Me? Sinned? I am not a sinner oh! I am a born again Christian”

“hahahahahahahaha! I didn’t say sinner, I said Seen, seeeeen!”

The man’s intonation echoed and distorted in my ears. Or was I infected with Cholera of the ear?


“hahahahahahahahahahaha! You are funny! Very funny!!”



“I never meant to make you laugh sir! Is just that I wasn’t hearing you clearly”


After the final stopped laughing, he asked, “Do you have experience in computer application? And can you teach?”

“As a matter of fact sir, I am very experience in Microsoft Word, Power point, Excel, Publisher, Paint, Corel draw, and so many more”

“And yes I can teach, I have been teaching right from my mother’s womb”

“Really?” He adjusted.

“Yeah! I know one day I will become a Lecturer” Bloody me lying.


“ehenn! Mr. Lecturer tell me, who and who were you teaching in your mother’s womb?”

“eehnnn! Well, in my mother’s womb, I was teaching the Placenta and the Fallopian tube” I bought him more laughter.


“hahahahahahahahahaha!” He stood up laughing and i thought i saw his heart came out from his mouth.



After his second chapter of laughter, like he was under remote control he sat, stood up and said; “you know what? You have been given the job, but we will first test you, to know if you can teach well”

“but before then, I will at this point inform you that you have no Salary to receive every month” That was a shocker.

“really!”

“yeah! Wh…………………….”

Like I-Robot, I stood up and headed for the door.

“Where are you going to? He asked.

“I am going home!”

“why?”


“because there is nothing free, even in Freetown!”

“wait! You didn’t allow me explain”

“Sit down, lemme explain”


I sat and was longing for him to tell me I would be served a plate of Rice daily as pay, or I will be given free internet access and that would be my pay.


“listen, when I said you have no salary to receive every month, what I mean is that your Pay will be on Percentage basis” It seemed my dear interviewer had intonation deformity that fluctuated.

“Percentage Buses!” That was what I thought he said.

"I no sabi drive bus oh, talkless of Percentage own!!" A section of my weak brain corrected me, that what he actually said was percentage basis not Percentage buses.




“Sir what do you mean by percentage basis? Explain!!”

“well my dear, when I said percentage basis, I mean we will share the money each student pays as fees”

"Afeez! which one be Afeez again?" My interviewer's intonation was really out of this world.



“who will share it?” I was becoming a clown.

“weeee! We will share it, me and you!”

“ok wee!” It was like I smoked Japanese weed for the first time that afternoon.

“yes wee! We will share in the percentage of 60-40” He said, “you take 40, I take 60”

“Fair enough!” I said.








How I wish I turned down the offer.

duran2059:

Flow I just read your other stories, they are quite good but I am confused here, in "Barrack Boy" you said you finally became an officer and got married, that was after your NYSC. So how come about this story?

I never said barrack boy was true life story, if i said so, i was wrong. But this is true life.

flow1759:


I never said barrack boy was true life story, if i said so, i was wrong. But this is true life.

Okay now I get, thanks

“Snow!! I don get job oh!” I screamed into the room.

“ehnnnn!”

“which kin job?” I saw the smiles in his face.

“Na one oil company job oh” I lied.

“ehnnnn! You mean am?” He was surprised.

“Thank God oh!”

“naso! Them go dey pay me five hundred thousand naira every month” I lied on.

“Guy! Mehn! That mean say you don be big boy oh!”

“choi! I happy for you well well!” He was over joyous I could tell on seeing that his jaw broadened.


A broadened jaw signifies that Snow’s joy has stretched to the extreme, that I could tell. And whenever his jaw broadened, he looked like a combination of Davido the musician and Taribo West the former Super Eagles defender.




"how e take happen na?"

“mehn! Them just call me say make I come their company this morning oh” Linus Mba Flow lied, “naso as I reach there them come say make I show them my credentials, as I show them, them com say I don get the job”


"just like that!"

“kai!! It’s a Miracled”

The “d” I added to "miracle" is no mistake. Snow is know to always speak in past tense when happy. “As him don give you the money finish why didn’t you shitted for him mouth!”, "I was so happyed when she calleded", "mehn guy i loved that girled!", and such and such.


“guy that called for celebrationed oh!”



So we hit Goldberg, I and Snow alone, Flow and Snow!! I thank God there was no Junior that Night.


On our way, Snow told everybody that cared to know that his cousin brother Flow has gotten a job in an Oil firm. He told Angela, he told Fix something, and he even asked if he should call Junior and inform him of the good news, I said No.


“guy why you go tell Fix Something na?” I was sure Fix something would spread the news in GBS that night.

“why I no go tell am? No be good news?”

“guy the job never materialize na!” I said, “them never give me appointment letter".

“guy this place wey we dey go so, I no get money for beer oh” I informed.

“no worry I go pay” He assured, “I go pay for everything wey we go drink”

“ok oh! Thank you!”

“so you get money to buy beer nahim I tell you make you give me money make I load my phone you no gree” I said.

“I no get the money that time na, now I don get”









I spilled the beans at Goldberg; I told him the truth.That I wasn’t employed in any Oil firm, that I lied to him.


I told him about the man named Mr. Yaga that interviewed me at Broville Cyber café/ Computer institute. I also told him of the sharing formula postulated by Mr. Yaga.



“e make sense na, you go manage am na” Snow said, “abi how you go do am na?”

“why not? I go manage am” I gulped down the last cup from the third bottle of 1759 I drank.

“make we dey go house na?” I said.

“wait make I pay first!” He dipped his hand into his pocket.

“wait oh!”

“wetin?”

“money wey I put for this pocket don fall comot”

“you say wetin?”

“I say money wey I put for pocket don fall comot”

“how e take fall? Where e fall? Who fall am?” I asked s’tupid, nonsense, and Idiotic questions respectively.

“I no know oh! Wetin I know be say, I no see the money again” He said.

“how na? your pocket dey lick?”

“e be like say e dey lick oh!” He cried.

“where am? show me?”

“see am na!” He showed me a hole in his pocket.

“na true oh!” I said with a loud voice, “na two hole sef!”

“who tell you say na two hole?” He said, “na one hole jor!”

“see am na, one for here… one for here!” I pointed.

“guy na one hole jor!”



“No be how many hole wey tear be the problem, na how we go face Nkume be the problem”






Nkume was the most dreaded waiter at Goldberg. His ugly face could make a baby cry. Saying he had butt face was an understatement; his face was like a one year old conventional bathroom slippers.


He had severally chased me out of Goldberg football viewing centre just because I had no money to buy beer, whereas I always tipped him whenever I came to drink there.

In Igbo language, Nkume means Rock. His mother made no mistake giving him such a name. He was a Multipurpose sadist.



“guy we don die today!” I cried.

“how we go explain this thing to Nkume”

“wetin be that? I hear my name here?” Nkume passed by.

“no oh, we no call your name oh, we just dey calculate how much drink we drink”



I drank three bottles of big 1759, Snow drank three bottles of Star, we both took a plate of Isiewu each. So do the Maths.



“guy our money na four thousand naira!” I said to Nkume who stood beside us doing the maths.

“no, una money na four thousand ten naira” That was how sadistic Nkume could be.

“you don forget say una buy one Benson for that guy!” He pointed at one skinny guy who came to our table to hail us not too long after we sat.

“so Nkume, you no fit forget 10 Naira?”

“you must be mad!” Nkume said, “how I go forget that kin big money?”

“oya make una pay me my money!”




I wished I could fly.

Lol...u be bird....i go advice make u turn water so u go fit flow commot for d bar

hehehe nice 1 oga flow