mutter:


You better get used to it
One of the biggest challanges of being a step mum is having to justify everything you do and being called evil by most people.

You're right...

Maybe in everything we do; there will be people who will speak bad of us, no matter what. Because some people feed their ego by saying bad things to others or by talking behind their back.

I hope our lives can be surrounded by more of good hearted people who, before they judge, understand that they are human too.

LostMermaid:


You're right...

Maybe in everything we do; there will be people who will speak bad of us, no matter what. Because some people feed their ego by saying bad things to others or by talking behind their back.

I hope our lives can be surrounded by more of good hearted people who, before they judge, understand that they are human too.

Let me tell you something. My ex had a child with another woman and I didn't have to justify everything and nobody called me evil.

The boy was with us at weekends and on holidays. I loved the boy and I can say that he was very fond of me. I had no problem with his mum and she had no problem with me.

No drama! Not at all.

kaboninc:


Don't mind these saints!

Sometimes, I silence my mind and realise that some thoughts can actually come in. And I'll entertain it too. Other times, I engineer these thoughts. It happens to everyone.

That is a major problem with the cracked foundation of our society.

It's good to see here some sensible people like you, and a few others, as well.

Otherwise it's mostly about "OMG you're so horrible" without even reading it all. As if such comments can make anyone gain anything.

carefreewannabe:


Let me tell you something. My ex had a child with another woman and I didn't have to justify everything and nobody called me evil.

The boy was with us at weekends and on holidays. I loved the boy and I can say that he was very fond of me. I had no problem with his mum and she had no problem with me.

No drama! Not at all.

That's really nice!!! How long were you with him for and may I ask why you split up?

Can you share some of your experience more specifically? Like, have you ever felt insecure that the mother of the child might be more special to him or anything like that...

LostMermaid:


That's really nice!!! How long were you with him for and may I ask why you split up?

Can you share some of your experience more specifically? Like, have you ever felt insecure that the mother of the child might be more special to him or anything like that...

I don't like to share too many private details on an online forum but I will try to answer your questions the best way I can because I think that you are a nice person.

We were together for some years.

The child was four when I first met him and very beautiful and smart, I still miss the child.
I never felt insecure because of the child's mum. My ex told me that he left her so I felt sympathy for her because I thought that it must be hard to be left back with a child and be a single mother. My concern was with the child and I did whatever I could so that his parents treat each other with kindness and respect.

We broke up because of irreconcilable differences. It had nothing to do with him having a child.

Please, don't get me wrong, I am not a saint, far from it but the child meant the world to me and I really enjoyed spending time with him.

I was never jealous of his mother but I was sometimes jealous of his father.
After I had spent a whole day with the kid, cooking for him, playing with him ,taking him him out, his father would return home and the kid would ignore me because the father was his hero. Sometimes his mum and me were joking that he only needs us when daddy is not around.

I hope it helps a bit.

It's important, though not easy, NOT to be selfish and compassion helps to remember it. These children don't have intact families, their parents are divorced, never forget it.

Please take your time before you get married. It's not easy to handle such situations in which children from previous relationships are involved. Mine was relatively easy because the mother was a nice and peaceful woman and the child sweet but it is not always like that.

Oya op just go ahead and marry him.

Ah ha...carefree...

These days am beginning to like you because you're becoming balanced and objective in your analysis. Though diplomatic I must say.

Good you have an experience and better too the mother happens to be nice!

kaboninc:
Ah ha...carefree...

These days am beginning to like you because you're becoming balanced and objective in your analysis. Though diplomatic I must say.

Good you have an experience and better too the mother happens to be nice!

When was I imbalanced and subjective?

Diplomacy has never been my strength though.

Chai! Little wonder why the hypocrisy never diminishes, the answer isn't far-fetched. Everyone trying to be under the shadow of an angel. Pretenders everywhere,like its a crime to air your thought.

Its no surprise, that an average woman would certainly reason in a way like this, its surely not enough to label the poster the way most people have designed her to be. I use to think the family section had a handful of matured minds in all ramifications. This has indeed opened my eyes.

Missmossy:
Chai! Little wonder why the hypocrisy never diminishes, the answer isn't far-fetched. Everyone trying to be under the shadow of an angel. Pretenders everywhere,like its a crime to air your thought.

Its no surprise, that an average woman would certainly reason in a way like this, its surely not enough to label the poster the way most people have designed her to be. I use to think the family section had a handful of matured minds in all ramifications. This has indeed opened my eyes.

Are you sure?

carefreewannabe:


When was I imbalanced and subjective?

Diplomacy has never been my strength though.

Lol!

You nailed it in your last paragraph in your reply to Lostmermaid. That's an improvement

On your diplomacy, when I 'catsh' you, I'll bring your attention to it. Lol.

kaboninc:



Lol!

You nailed it in your last paragraph in your reply to Lostmermaid. That's an improvement

On your diplomacy, when I 'catsh' you, I'll bring your attention to it. Lol.

I am improving every day.

@bold

Then you will make me see something about me, I am not able to see.

carefreewannabe:


Are you sure?

Certainly, if sincerity is of immense importance.

Missmossy:

Certainly, if sincerity is of immense importance.

How do you know how the average woman reasons? Is there anything like the average woman?

"And those children are fruits of love, and they are lovelier and more loving people themselves...."

That means that your not a fruit of love yourself because you sure as hell are not a loving person. Who thinks like this in real life?! Are you seriously complain about a father loving his child unconditionally. you must be screenplaying a evil stepmother role.

How did she trick him into having kids? She didn't rape him right so he was willing to take a risk when he decided to smash. You just trying to trashtalk his ex to look good. But remember that he can divorce your ass one day and how would u feel if the next woman trash talks you?

LostMermaid:


You're right...

Maybe in everything we do; there will be people who will speak bad of us, no matter what. Because some people feed their ego by saying bad things to others or by talking behind their back.

I hope our lives can be surrounded by more of good hearted people who, before they judge, understand that they are human too.

Are you a good hearted person?

carefreewannabe:


How do you know how the average woman reasons? Is there anything like the average woman?

The reasoning of an average woman is so glaring in our present day society and as such, the way she thinks is just so oblivious.

Ofcourse the term 'an average woman' shouldn't sound strange, am surprised you don't know of such.

Missmossy:

The reasoning of an average woman is so glaring in our present day society and as such, the way she thinks is just so oblivious.

Ofcourse the term 'an average woman' shouldn't sound strange, am surprised you don't know of such.

I am familiar with the term, just not with the average woman. I am skeptical of such generalizations.

You keep saying the thought just crossed your mind, this same thought crossed your mind October or so of last year, you have about 2 other threads on this topic, yet the thought just crossed your mind, okay o.

It's funny how you keep running in circles just to prove you are an angel who just had one slip and thought something bad,I wonder why you didn't change your line of thought the first time you brought this here, I dey laugh .

Some are just here shouting 'hypocrites' up and down, if saying this kinda thought isn't normal, makes me a hypocrite, then I'm very very proud to be crowned the queen of hypocrites, if you are what you suddenly turn around to claim to be, you won't be here trying so hard to convince "internet" people to see you are not what your OP said, people are so gullible sha, no wonder yahoo boys are living large.

P.S. A 4 years old calling you 'mummy' doesn't mean shyt, like you or her dad can't tell her to call you that, na today? but what do we "hypocrites" know after all?.

babyosisi:


Please don't try to color this now
The poor child calls you mommy and you call her mother a slut?
You both got pregnant for the man out of wedlock
If she is a slut,so are you
You are wondering the position of your unborn children when you haven't carried this pregnancy to term, birthed a live baby or come out of labor and delivery alive .haven't you heard the story of a certain Haman ending up in the gallows he dug for mordecai?

I wish you spent half the energy you spend gritting your teeth at the thought of this girl in convincing this man to marry you before knocking you up
Anuofia
As for the highlighted part nothing could be farther from the truth
Even serial killers write out their thoughts on paper and mark their targets before the killing spree
Your fingers wrote out of the abundance of your evil heart

Take it easy on that lady, you're taking it too personal. I'm sure she haven't done anything wrong yet. You're judging her in advance with a big dose of sanctimonious anger.
Take a breather and think about her composition from a neutral point of view and you may realise she could be better than you if positions were to be reversed. We harbour certain fears in our inner self: all of us. You're only killing her for putting her's in black and white in order to make people dilute it (her fears).

freecocoa:
You keep saying the thought just crossed your mind, this same thought crossed your mind October or so of last year, you have about 2 other threads on this topic, yet the thought just crossed your mind, okay o.

It's funny how you keep running in circles just to prove you are an angel who just had one slip and thought something bad,I wonder why you didn't change your line of thought the first time you brought this here, I dey laugh .

Some are just here shouting 'hypocrites' up and down, if saying this kinda thought isn't normal, makes me a hypocrite, then I'm very very proud to be crowned the queen of hypocrites, if you are what you suddenly turn around to claim to be, you won't be here trying so hard to convince "internet" people to see you are not what your OP said, people are so gullible sha, no wonder yahoo boys are living large.

P.S. A 4 years old calling you 'mummy' doesn't mean shyt, like you or her dad can't tell her to call you that, na today? but what do we "hypocrites" know after all?.

Search the internet: write being with a man with children and see; EVERYONE has concerns. And worries. Insecurities.. etc. cause it's not an easy situation.

I had some worries in October, fine, what's it got to do with this? I don't think I ever said anything about the child herself in previous threads.

You almost sound like you never had any worries about anything, and bad thoughts never crossed your mind, again.


This is a serious subject. Ofcourse I will think again and again and again. Ofcourse I will reconsider. And this is a GOOD thing. You should say; "I respect you LostMermaid, for being honest with the negative thoughts and paying attention to sincere advice".

I am a self-aware person. I can detect and change negative thoughts; and I'm wise enough to make use of sincere people's advice and listen to their experiences. (I have thanked them many times! Bless them! Those with good intentions!)

I wonder if you ever did the same; how horrible your inner negative thoughts would sound! Surely worse. Cause you are one of those people who see themselves flawless that you surely HAVEN'T EVEN NOTICED anything that needs improvement in yourself.

In fact we all have demonly voices in ourself; and also angel-like. Educate yourself please, and read some Psychology. It's human nature. And you know what, the science of Psychology says, if someone reacts a flaw in someone else in an extremely harsh and judging manner; that means the judging one also has that flaw; and to an high extent; yet; denies it, and tries to hide it by overreacting against the other person.


If I have jealousy in me; you have it too. In fact you have it more cause you keep denying it.

But go ahead. You're a saint. Or even Jesus. I salute you!!!


P.S. I SAID THE CHILD CALLS ME MUMMY. I DIDN'T SAY HER FATHER MAKES HER CALL ME MUMMY! WHAT A NASTY PERSON YOU ARE! ALWAYS TRYING TO FIND FAULT IN ME!
MY MAN IN FACT, DIDN'T LIKE HER CALLING ME MUMMY. CAUSE HIS EX IS WITH ANOTHER MAN NOW LIKE I SAID, AND HE FEARED SHE MIGHT CALL HIM DADDY! SO HE REACTED BUT THE CHILD SAID SHE LIKED CALLING ME MUMMY. (CAUSE I SHOWED HER LOTS OF LOVE!)
THERE YOU GO! JUDGING WITHOUT KNOWING AGAIN! MAY GOD LEAD YOU TOWARDS THE LIGHT.

lostmermaid

just so you know, your thread is one of the most disturbing I have seen since I joined this site.

If you feel you need help with your thoughts and whatnot, its better you get the help you need, nobody is saying you shouldn't. Nairaland should not be your sole determinant or moral guide of what you should or shouldn't do, or what you should or shouldn't feel.

if you have nobody in your life to guide you on questions such as these, then its better you seek professional help.

The golden rule is: treat others the way you want others to treat you, if you put yourself in your boyfriend's daughter's shoes, as a four year old, how should you be treated?

The girl is very young, she can even still bond with you at this time, she has no bad thoughts towards you but you have them towards her.
if you feel the mother will give her negative feedback about you and try to come between your relationship, well, when you agreed to date someone with a kid and baby mama, why would you expect smooth sailing throughout? The man did not force you to date him, did he?

I seriously doubt this even has anything to do with the girl's mother- you just don't want to share your boyfriend's attention ( and maybe property), that is all.

seriously, I found your thread chilling.

you refused to answer the question of where you are from , this would have given people a better perspective on how to advise you.

anyway, check these threads:

I am posting info there for you and maybe others who are in the same situation:

https://www.nairaland.com/2132477/those-dont-know-tips-relating


https://www.nairaland.com/2132547/when-it-ok-judge-people


the essence of judging, sometimes, is so you can correct what people see as glaring errors, its not to make you feel bad, but rather to build you. Not all judging is bad, some judging is constructive, especially in a case like yours where you have feelings of anger, bitterness and hatred towards a little girl.

If you are doing something wrong, being defensive about it is not what will help you. You may not know what you are doing wrong, that is why people are informing you there are better ways to do things, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Lostmermaid,
It is obvious from your numerous painstaking attempts to answer all questions thrown at you that you are a patient person. Well done.
Some people won't be satisfied unless they get the last word in. Its just what they do, and no matter how hard you try to explain they'll keep projecting their own issues on you. I think you should take any good advice you may have gotten here and ignore the others and move on.
All the best.

LostMermaid:
since I'm the woman he's in love with; then if he makes a child with me, he should love that child more. More than the one he made with a slutty ex by accident



sometimes I find myself resentful that he loves the child of such a slut so much


2. I also think, his child with his ex ( 4 now) might influence the children I will have with him in a bad way, if she came living with us. Sometimes I think it might be nice... but sometimes I think she will be an outsider, kind of like a secret agent; not exactly from the family; representing her mother, and maybe sometimes reminding her, or defending her. Kind of like a dark cloud above the happiness of the family. Keeping us from behaving comfortably, or keeping us from just being the family; like for example preventing me from telling my children how I met the love of my life, their father, my future husband, because she might get jealous or something. Lots of things like that.... What do you think about this?

Jesus

I want to assume all the males on this thread, who are in support of the lady here and elsewhere, are Nigerian?

tpiah99:
I want to assume all the males on this thread, who are in support of the lady here and elsewhere, are Nigerian?

You NEVER answered my question. Let me repeat: DON'T YOU EVER HAVE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS?

As for your question, YES I do live in Nigeria and a Nigerian. Please see my siggy, its for people like you.

Good morning!

@op: How long did he date his ex (months/years)?

Do you realize that his ex is forever going to be in your life if you marry this man?







Can you guys stop blaming age for the op's malformed views and moronic opinions. Age has nothing to do with it, we all know there are great number of people above age 40 that are naive and stupid. Y'all are ageists.

Alephilomath:

Can you guys stop blaming age for the op's malformed views and moronic opinions. (

Really?

kaboninc:

Really?

Yes, really.

Alephilomath:


Yes, really.

Ok then

Why is the child calling you mummy when her mother is still alive. What happened to your name ?