Evina:


Please what is this meal?

Stew or porridge?

Abi o
Porridge stew
Hunger don waya me
After eating spiritual food from pastor B ,time for the physical one

sexynne:
i hope so too o. I am beginning to resent him and i'm scared of wat I might do if it keeps coming. The only person I knw he will listen to is his mum, bt I dnt even wanna bring an outside person into all dis.

This is getting beyond keeping it to yourself
You need to speak up now and put an end to this
Don't allow anyone disrespect you in that manner
Call him by the name his parents gave him and tell him that will be the last time he tried that then pick up the phone and call his mom and call your mother too,you didn't fall from the skies.

If he doesn't apologize for this,he needs to start taking his food from the pot from now on and stick to that rule

babyosisi:
Everybody is invited
One one spoon,it will reach everybody

By 'one one spoon' she means teaspoon o! From one side! Make una no think say na ladle wey fit overcome d obstacles n roadblocks wey garnish the stew so o! Ehen!

[quote author=prissyluv post=33366769][/quote] Check your mail.

babyosisi:
Yes
Celebrating 100 pages with a pot of stew cooking

It was my dream to see this hit page 100. You know, sometimes life dont go the way we plan, but sometimes, just sometimes, life gives us better than we planned or imagined. I started family section with you on that your closely related thread of raising family.... Just might rest fing...

sexynne:
That is jst an example of his anger tantrum...

@sexynne
This is a two post problem...lol. There are two separate issues here and putting them in one post might mix things up.

He shouldn't have poured food on you, that was wrong. It seems your husband has emotional issues (a lot of us do, to varying degrees). My suggestion would be for you to calmly tell him you don't like the way he treats you next time he's forming loverman, try and have a serious conversation about it where you tell him exactly how he emotionally and/or verbally abused you. There's a post somewhere with tips on how to deal with verbal abuse from a spouse, when I find it I will post a link.

I dont support laying down the law just yet and I will explain a bit more in my second post

sexynne:
@madampinkolo. I really do appreciate yr message. First i'm naturally the forgiving type, bt then I had to change as I saw dat was nt yeilding any positive result.
I used to cry when he starts or walk away, bt it didt help, so I resulted to shouting match(never insulted him though) bt this too has nt changed much. Now, im bac to walking away, then dis!
I used to teach(naija no job), bt he said he was not comfortable with that and I had to stop. But then he jst opened up business for me.
I'm here cos i'm at my wills-end and I really dnt knw hw to react to dis level of abuse. I wnt decieve myself into believing dat it will be a one time thing. But I dnt knw what to do.

The abuse is physical already. How long have you been married? have you discussed his mood swings with him before? If yes, was he remorseful, willing to change? He's got temperament issues that if you both understand, you will be able to manage. But this over the top attitude, was he like this during courtship or possibly friends or something is agravating it. He is really pushing you, if you tolerate this one a bigger one will come. He may appologise this first time, if you forgive like that then prepare for more. You dont need to enter into shouting match, just firmly yet sternly warn him of a repeat if he comes back, then follow it up with cold shoulders until he apologise, talk about it as well as promise a non repeat. You be prepared to carry the acts or threat you warned him with if a next time occur so that he will know you mean business...abi you'v settled just like that. Good there's a business, hold it tight. Use the option of reporting to his mum if he does not improve, more importantly have a back up plan you will execute should he expose you or your child to danger again.

sexynne:
oo! tnx, u sure hav a way of making one feel gud. Bt am guessing my case goes beyond that. For instant, we jst found out i'm pregg wit second baby, bt the man poured me hot plate of food dis aftetnoon because I didt inform on time that i'v set the table. Please, who does that to another person not to talk of yr pregnant wife. Sometimes, he will haul abuses at me. Adanne, ike akugo mu.

your husband did not pour the food on you because you didn't inform him on time. Picking that as the reason is easy but if you really want to tackle the issues head on then I would recommend you look a bit deeper. You are not blameless in this matter

First, as I said previously, his action was wrong, there's nothing that can be said to justify that. Now let me face you .

sexynne:
I served him lunch, guess he didt hear when I told him food is served, went to the room to feed our son, then he came in and complained that I didt inform him that i'v served food, so I shld come clear the table. Told him, if he wnt eat he shld clear the table himself. He left the room and came back with the plate n poured the content on me.

Your husband poured the food on you because of the bolded, there were better ways you could have handled that. You should certainly have been more tactful in replying.

Telling him to go and clear the table himself since he wasn't eating isn't you asking him to help since you're busy with your(yours and his) kid, it's you talking back, that probably got him angry and that was why he poured the food on you. A wrong action all the same. You married the guy, you should know how to push his buttons positively, I mean, a simple no vex, or darling biko or something equally soapy could be what it would have taken to soothe his ego at that point.

That you gloss over that bit makes me wonder if there are other things you say or do that could set him on edge. I suspect you sometimes press his triggers knowingly or unknowingly which get him angry and could lead to the insults/abuse(which of course is wrong...lol).

Like Madampinkolo says, persistent abuse of the verbal and emotional kind tends to deteriorate to physical kind, while he works on his anger issues hopefully, you also need to do some work on your end. Don't let things deteriorate.

@Babyosisi
Perhaps you could show her a different way she could have responded to defuse the situation? I'm of the opinion that this episode could easily have been avoided if she had used woman power to handle it. I agree that she might need to involve his mum if things don't get better though.

Floodgater:
Check your mail.

I ve done that dear. Thanks.

SexyNne:
I think @ this point in time, you don't need to keep quiet and die in silence.
I love my privacy and don't love 3rd party in my rship but not when my life is in danger.
Since the mom can talk to him, why not let her know what's happening (this is not the first time he is doing it). Don't allow him hit bf u wud term it abuse oooo. Your life is important to you and ur family (u were a daughter bf being a wife)


I pray things work out well speedily in your favour (amen)

@floodgater, tnx for yr interest in my issue. We have been married for 3yr plus. He has always had a short fuse bt has neva been this agressive. Cant really say if there is something up with him right now other than the normal everyday issues.
And yes, he is always remoseful after his anger episode. My fear is dat "this" if nt treated right is bond to open door for worse treatment. I dnt knw if jst talk can solve dis one o.

@netotse, I understand what you mean. talking back at him was wrong and I accept that. Take note that I am testing the waters, trying to see which will work for me. i'v always been the 'sorry sir' ' yes sir' kindof a person which I guess is what has given birth to this degrading behaviour.
I felt that I needed to do something a bit different from what he is used to.

@Floodgater
Make I no hear say u dey go on break ooooo so that what Happened in 1850 don't repeat itsef on this thread #winks#

U re a Sis we can always reckon with (to whom shaLl we go........). I sent an update to u

@BabyOsisi
U allowed Moca to go on sabbatical leave, pls call her back, its enough na. We can not do without you Mamas in the house. Pls don't join them in this break things ooooo

babygirlfl:


I just love madampinkolo

thanks ma ...i wicked small o.

[quote author=gleatz post=33393044][/quote]
#winks back# look for my recent letters gleatz.

sexynne:
@floodgater, tnx for yr interest in my issue. We have been married for 3yr plus. He has always had a short fuse bt has neva been this agressive. Cant really say if there is something up with him right now other than the normal everyday issues.
And yes, he is always remoseful after his anger episode. My fear is dat "this" if nt treated right is bond to open door for worse treatment. I dnt knw if jst talk can solve dis one o.

Has he apologised as usual. You dont have to fear or your fears will come upon you. Take an unsual action, i'm saying look your husband in the eye like a wounded lion and warn him not talk to him. All these your "shaky shaky", it looks like you'v not had enough. Start to think of ways to look out for yourself. What if after his mum talk to him, he does another bigger one, what will you do? If you have not settled with him yet, i stated steps in my last post, if you have settled, let me know so i can know what to advice. When you are roughly pushed, your actions will determine a stop or continuity.

netotse:


your husband did not pour the food on you because you didn't inform him on time. Picking that as the reason is easy but if you really want to tackle the issues head on then I would recommend you look a bit deeper. You are not blameless in this matter

First, as I said previously, his action was wrong, there's nothing that can be said to justify that. Now let me face you .


I
Your husband poured the food on you because of the bolded, there were better ways you could have handled that. You should certainly have been more tactful in replying.

Telling him to go and clear the table himself since he wasn't eating isn't you asking him to help since you're busy with your(yours and his) kid, it's you talking back, that probably got him angry and that was why he poured the food on you. A wrong action all the same. You married the guy, you should know how to push his buttons positively, I mean, a simple no vex, or darling biko or something equally soapy could be what it would have taken to soothe his ego at that point.

That you gloss over that bit makes me wonder if there are other things you say or do that could set him on edge. I suspect you sometimes press his triggers knowingly or unknowingly which get him angry and could lead to the insults/abuse(which of course is wrong...lol).

Like Madampinkolo says, persistent abuse of the verbal and emotional kind tends to deteriorate to physical kind, while he works on his anger issues hopefully, you also need to do some work on your end. Don't let things deteriorate.

@Babyosisi
Perhaps you could show her a different way she could have responded to defuse the situation? I'm of the opinion that this episode could easily have been avoided if she had used woman power to handle it. I agree that she might need to involve his mum if things don't get better though.

All you heard is one story and she wrote just a few lines
The woman has already said it clearly that this is a pattern with him,verbal and emotional abuse
Did he tell you he doesn't know what he is doing is wrong?
There is no woman power needed to stop a man from picking up a bowl of food and emptying it on his wife
How lowly can you view your wife to do that?
There is absolutely no excuse for physical assault
This is no time for niceties
Didn't you read her say she had tried ignoring him, tried exchanging words and now back to ignoring and nothing has changed
It is annoying sometimes to read all these subtle suggestions that an abused woman must somehow have a hand in man's bad character or should have stopped doing whatever she does to set him off,just like you are suggesting
There are men out there that feel it is their right to treat their wives anyhow they like and it is up to the woman to accept it or to make it clear from day one that she will not accept that abuse.

I already made my suggestion
If he doesn't apologize for this bad behavior,he needs to start dishing and serving his own food until he realizes that behavior was unacceptable.

One last thing,men who act this way choose their victims carefully,you think he can pour soup on any woman or any wife?
And they usually start small and graduate into bigger things
By the time a man calls you an idiot one day and you cry and cower down he will call you a stupeed eediotic goat the next day
If he pushes you today,next day it will be a slap then a kick
from the moment he calls you an eediot you tell him you are not an eediot and that he should never call you that again,he may think twice next time.

I say this and can't say it enough,ladies please don't marry strangers
Date and court the man a while before saying I do
And while dating him,please have your eyes wide open
Dem no go hear
Abusive men will show signs of abuse while you are courting them
Don't let people talk you into marrying a man you don't know well or you marry one you know treats you like crap but everyone thinks he is a good catch
The headache is not worth it

@sexynne

Please,face your business,multiply it,let it grow and make sure you are stashing money away.
In your DH favour at least there's something for you to do which he aided..total abusers would would never want you to do anything so that they have absolute control over you financially.Thankfully he has not reached there yet, i don't know if hes gradually building up steam.

I told you i know someone who went through almost the same thing..very traditional husband,no help whatsoever around the house but expected to be served hand and foot.He poured cold water on her when she was bre ast feeding,have forgotten why.Would come back veery late at night and demand for pepper soup to be made.Woe betide her and the kids if they are asleep when he gets home.The daily berating no get part 2..you didn't hold the plate for me to wash my hands,the plate smells of soap,i see a speck on the glass cup,the table mat is twisted too far right etc.Silly woman,useless woman from a useless family,he'd also insult all her siblings.Nothing she did was ever good enough.They are still married as i said,old even but he hasn't changed..what has happened is she says shes not affected anymore and that God is on the throne.
Imagine listening to this day in day out for over 30 years?!!!! Does that sound like it could be you?

You are pregnant and you don't need negativity around you.Apologies are meaningless if the offender keeps repeating the offence and usually abusers always say sorry.

Why i didn't bother with talking about why you asked him to clear his plate is cos i know how it is with handling a toddler,and someone comes to complain that i should clear the table cos i didn't tell him on time that the food was ready I'd probably blow a fuse.He could have zapped his food in the microwave or cleared it himself or does he have leprosy especially as you are busy and pregnant?

Saying she should have said sorry darling.. darling didn't ask her why she didn't call him on time,he told her to come and clear the table while she was obviously saddled with a toddler. That's enough to garner a rude retort from even a cool headed person.Add that to the fact that he's normally verbally abusive.Then darling now poured food on her in the presence of her child,what sort of man is that??There is no justification for his reaction..none whatsoever.

He will come back bigger and bolder next time if you don't face him squarely now.Those abused women that have ended up killing their husbands didn't just get up and do it one day..They swallowed for years and snapped one day.Its not your portion oooo.

If you are truly fed up,make sure he hears you and very clearly...Make sure you warn him clearly with red eye AND A CALM COLD devilish voice NEVER EVER to repeat what he did today otherwise you will deal with him.Say it and mean it and make sure that if he ever tries anything like it again,you DEAL with him.You should know what you can do to give him maximum pain.

Try to keep walking away so you don't have to listen to bile,and maybe think of bringing in a 3rd party? I normally don't subscribe to mother and father because they will most likely turn the tables on you and make excuses for him(maybe your case will be different).An independent person to counsel you two would be the best bet.

The chances that he will turn into a lovely man though are slim since he has a pattern.So barricade your emotions,control as much as you can your reaction to his provocation and then choose whether you can live like this forever.

This post is from FOCUS ON THE FAMILY- it's a christian website.

QUESTION;

How should I respond to my spouse's insensitive words, manipulative mind games, and cruel put-downs? This has been a problem for the greater part of our marriage. I have never been physically harmed in any way, but the constant verbal and emotional abuse have made my life miserable. Some of my friends say I should pursue a divorce, but others have suggested that I don't have biblical grounds. A few folks in this second group have even told me that my only concern is to "submit" and continue loving my spouse in spite of the mistreatment. What do you think I should I do?

ANSWER

There are two things you need to understand about your situation. First, it's more common than you may suspect. There's a surprising amount of emotional and verbal abuse going on behind closed doors, even in Christian marriages. This suggests: 1) that you're not alone; and 2) that many people have devoted a great deal of time, thought, and energy to coming up with solutions. Among them are some of our most gifted and highly qualified marriage therapists and counselors. In other words, answers are available if you'll take the time and trouble to look for them.

The second point is this: the state of affairs you've described isn't good for either of you-not you or your spouse. It's harmful and destructive to everyone concerned. That includes any children who may be part of the picture. This means that something must be done to change it as quickly as possible. We can almost guarantee that the change won't come about as a result of adopting a "submissive" attitude toward abuse.

In connection with this last thought, we've observed that there are generally two kinds of people who advise "submission" in cases like this: 1) a few male pastors, counselors, and friends who take a simplistic view of passages like Ephesians 5:22-33 and Colossians 3:18-25; and 2) abusive husbands. Our response, especially to the latter group, is that it isn't up to a man to see to it that his wife "submits." The apostle has given tasks to each partner in the relationship. Each partner is responsible only for his or her own assignment. To put it bluntly, men need to forget about "submission." Their job is to learn what it means to love their spouses "as Christ loved the church."


So much for theology. Let's move on to something more practical. What can you do to take your marriage in a more positive direction? We suggest you begin by investigating your options. All too often people in your position assume that they have only two alternatives: to stay put and suffer, or file for divorce. This isn't necessarily true. As a matter of fact, there may be a number of other ways to break the negative cycle.

You can find out more by setting up an appointment with a Christian marriage and family counselor. Make sure that the therapist you choose understands the dynamics of abuse, power, and control, and that he or she is well trained in the highly specialized field of marital conflict. It would be ideal, of course, if your spouse were to seek counseling as well, but we don't recommend that the two of you do this jointly, at least not in the beginning. It's far too easy for an abusive spouse to manipulate a couples counseling situation and subsequently turn it to his own advantage or use it as an excuse for further abusive behavior. If the thought of professional counseling is too overwhelming, consider talking to a pastor or a good friend, or see if you can get a neighbor to take you to a community center where there are people trained to deal with domestic abuse issues. The idea is to find out what you can do, not what you can't do, and to act accordingly.

As you consider your options for obtaining professional assistance, it's vital to bear in mind that this probably isn't going to be a quick and easy process. Abuse is usually rooted in deeply entrenched patterns of thought and behavior, and you can't expect to reverse those patterns in a couple of counseling sessions. [b]While working on the problem, you may find it necessary to create a crisis by giving your husband an ultimatum. An abuser can sometimes be persuaded to make a change if their spouse has the courage to stand up for themself and say, "I've had enough." Tell him, "Either we both get counseling (separately), or I'm moving out until you're ready to help me resolve this issue."

Separation may be what it takes to open his eyes to his behavior and to stimulate some badly needed self-examination on his part. Naturally, you'll want to make sure that your support system is in place and that you actually have a safe place to go-the home of a friend, family member, or neighbor-before you put the matter to him in these terms. Lay your plans, line up your resources, and make your arrangements prior to packing your bags and walking out the door.

In the meantime, you may want to have a conversation with an attorney- not to talk about divorce, but simply to gather information about your options. Among other things, find out what's involved in arranging a legal separation. In many cases, a temporary separation is exactly what's needed in a situation like yours. Marriages get stuck in deadly ruts when spouses become blind to the hurtful nature of their words and actions. If separation is what it takes to open your husband's eyes and stimulate some self-examination on his part, then so be it.

Before closing, perhaps it would be helpful to say a few words about the underlying causes of abuse and list some of the identifying marks of genuinely "abusive" speech and behavior. Domestic abuse is almost always a technique for gaining and maintaining control. An emotional abuser keeps others under his thumb by blaming and shaming. He uses name-calling, swearing, and other forms of contemptuous speech to convince his partner that she is unworthy of better treatment. In most cases he is highly manipulative, displays narcissistic tendencies, and flatly refuses to acknowledge any personal responsibility for difficulties in the marriage. If any of this sounds familiar, you are more than justified in taking whatever steps are necessary to reverse the situation. A good counselor can help you recognize to what extent you may have become brainwashed by your spouse's behavior and thus lulled into a state of resignation and silent acceptance of your lot.

Madampinkolo:
@sexynne

Please,face your business,multiply it,let it grow and make sure you are stashing money away.
In your DH favour at least there's something for you to do which he aided..total abusers would would never want you to do anything so that they have absolute control over you financially.Thankfully he has not reached there yet, i don't know if hes gradually building up steam.

I told you i know someone who went through almost the same thing..very traditional husband,no help whatsoever around the house but expected to be served hand and foot.He poured cold water on her when she was bre ast feeding,have forgotten why.Would come back veery late at night and demand for pepper soup to be made.Woe betide her and the kids if they are asleep when he gets home.The daily berating no get part 2..you didn't hold the plate for me to wash my hands,the plate smells of soap,i see a speck on the glass cup,the table mat is twisted too far right etc.Silly woman,useless woman from a useless family,he'd also insult all her siblings.Nothing she did was ever good enough.They are still married as i said,old even but he hasn't changed..what has happened is she says shes not affected anymore and that God is on the throne.
Imagine listening to this day in day out for over 30 years?!!!! Does that sound like it could be you?

You are pregnant and you don't need negativity around you.Apologies are meaningless if the offender keeps repeating the offence and usually abusers always say sorry.

Why i didn't bother with talking about why you asked him to clear his plate is cos i know how it is with handling a toddler,and someone comes to complain that i should clear the table cos i didn't tell him on time that the food was ready I'd probably blow a fuse.He could have zapped his food in the microwave or cleared it himself or does he have leprosy especially as you are busy and pregnant?

Saying she should have said sorry darling.. darling didn't ask her why she didn't call him on time,he told her to come and clear the table while she was obviously saddled with a toddler. That's enough to garner a rude retort from even a cool headed person.Add that to the fact that he's normally verbally abusive.Then darling now poured food on her in the presence of her child,what sort of man is that??There is no justification for his reaction..none whatsoever.

He will come back bigger and bolder next time if you don't face him squarely now.Those abused women that have ended up killing their husbands didn't just get up and do it one day..They swallowed for years and snapped one day.Its not your portion oooo.

If you are truly fed up,make sure he hears you and very clearly...Make sure you warn him clearly with red eye AND A CALM COLD devilish voice NEVER EVER to repeat what he did today otherwise you will deal with him.Say it and mean it and make sure that if he ever tries anything like it again,you DEAL with him.You should know what you can do to give him maximum pain.

Try to keep walking away so you don't have to listen to bile,and maybe think of bringing in a 3rd party? I normally don't subscribe to mother and father because they will most likely turn the tables on you and make excuses for him(maybe your case will be different).An independent person to counsel you two would be the best bet.

The chances that he will turn into a lovely man though are slim since he has a pattern.So barricade your emotions,control as much as you can your reaction to his provocation and then choose whether you can live like this forever.

And I will add that she puts in an IUD and no more babies with that his ugly behavior
You don't need more than two babies in that mess

That man is a beast.
I'm so infuriated after reading that lady's post.

A pregnant woman
I will get a bucket full of hot water and baptize u with it.
All na pregnancy hormone.

Idiat,cant he cook?
Can't he go to the kitchen and dish out his food?
Useless african mentality.
It's on their wives they show muscle.
Let him go and face his fellow men outside.

Very abusive man. The worst ever.
I will first of all take my child to a safe place, then come back and turn ur house upside down.
When I'm done,i will carry my kitchen knife and wait for u outside the door.
Maybe he has not seen a cray cray pregnant woman before.
By d time I finish with him, I will then go to wherever.
Cry? Lailai.
Swallow it?lailai
Not involve anybody.lailai.
Infact,i will add jare to what he did when telling my people.
Inflict wounds on my body and take it to his office.
Yes,his office.
Anuofia.
He jam cool headed woman.
African man my foot.

Recently,a man in my hubby's office was dismissed cos d wife came crying with injuries all over her.

The hair woman that does my hair has her feeding allowance increased by the hubby's oga and a strict warning not to talk to the woman any how or lay hand on wife again else he will be sacked and even locked.

I don't know why ladies r so afraid.
Bc of what people will say?
Or bc of the way u snatched him from others or what?

I hv seen a pregnant woman beat d husband to shege.
When people went to seperate as usual and saw what was happening, the withdrew and allowed her to plumell d idiat well.

After I would have finished doing what's on my mind, we can now call for truce.
I will lay down my rules. He don't want it, d court is still open.

What d fvck!

From healthyplacedotcom

DEALING WITH A VERBALLY ABUSIVE HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND

Victims find themselves between a rock and a hard spot when it comes to dealing with their verbally abusive husband or boyfriend. On one side, the abuser tells the victim he loves her. On the other, the abuser treats her horribly and doesn't care that she's hurt.1 She realizes she's up against his entire history of abusive learned behaviors (and possibly psychological disorders or substance abuse), but feels that maybe she can love him out of it if she's patient and kind enough.

If change is possible, the victim must put aside romantic notions of love and focus on her own behaviors. She must[b] harden her heart [/b]to his insults and rage, and consistently enforce personal boundaries that prevent the abuser from diminishing her psychologically with his verbal abuse.

When he abuses, she must be prepared to say things like:

"I'm not going to listen to nonsense."
"Stop it."
"Hold it. I do not understand you. Would you please write that down?"
If he does not cooperate, she will have to follow through with her personal boundaries and remove herself promptly from the conversation. A relationship in which one person must always be the adult is very difficult to manage.

In between abusive episodes, the victim must tend to their emotional and social needs. The victim must commit to finding effective ways to relax and mentally escape from the relationship despite the abuser's efforts to convince her to drop her friends and to stop being so "selfish."

Madampinkolo:
From healthyplacedotcom

DEALING WITH A VERBALLY ABUSIVE HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND

Victims find themselves between a rock and a hard spot when it comes to dealing with their verbally abusive husband or boyfriend. On one side, the abuser tells the victim he loves her. On the other, the abuser treats her horribly and doesn't care that she's hurt.1 She realizes she's up against his entire history of abusive learned behaviors (and possibly psychological disorders or substance abuse), but feels that maybe she can love him out of it if she's patient and kind enough.

If change is possible, the victim must put aside romantic notions of love and focus on her own behaviors. She must[b] harden her heart [/b]to his insults and rage, and consistently enforce personal boundaries that prevent the abuser from diminishing her psychologically with his verbal abuse.

When he abuses, she must be prepared to say things like:

"I'm not going to listen to nonsense."
"Stop it."
"Hold it. I do not understand you. Would you please write that down?"
If he does not cooperate, she will have to follow through with her personal boundaries and remove herself promptly from the conversation. A relationship in which one person must always be the adult is very difficult to manage.

In between abusive episodes, the victim must tend to their emotional and social needs. The victim must commit to finding effective ways to relax and mentally escape from the relationship despite the abuser's efforts to convince her to drop her friends and to stop being so "selfish."

Madam,thank u

from christianpostdotcom

Recently, one of my relatives confided to me, "I've just realized that I've been verbally abused all of my married life. I'd never heard of verbal abuse until recently. I didn't know what it was, much less, what to do."
As I talked with Georgia (not her real name), I heard what had been happening behind closed doors – for decades. Ultimately, the longer we choose to live in an emotionally abusive relationship, the more we're inclined to view an abusive lifestyle as "normal." Then we find ourselves living fear-based lives, being powerfully manipulated by our abuser.

Six-Step Strategy to Stop Abuse

To curtail the abuse, Georgia needed a plan. [b]"You can't change someone else, but you can change yourself so that the abusive tactics are no longer effective." [/b]I shared with her the following six-step strategy:

#1: Clearly state what you are willing to accept and are not willing to accept from the abuser.

Communicate your position in positive terms. Keep your statement short and succinct. Don't justify and don't apologize. Simply state your boundaries.

"I want our relationship to continue, but I'm not willing to listen to name calling. … I'm not willing to hear your accusations. … I'm not willing to endure any longer the onslaught of profanity."

#2: Announce the consequence you will enforce if the abuser violates your boundary.

Consequences are part of God's divine plan that what we sow, we will reap. Galatians 6:7 (NIV) states, "A man reaps what he sows." Repercussions should include disengaging or distancing yourself from the abuser. You can't change the abuser, but you can remove yourself from frequent exposure to unacceptable behavior.

"I want to be with you, but if you call me any kind of name again, I will leave for a time. … If you persist in making that accusation, I will end our conversation. … If you choose to use profanity, I will choose to be with others where we can share positive, healthy conversations."

#3: Enforce the consequence every single time the abuse occurs.

Do not bluff! The abuser needs to know that you will follow through consistently. Plan on being tested multiple times. In your mind and heart, say no to manipulation, no to pressure, no to control. Eventually, there's a good chance your abuser will stop … but only after the behavior proves to be ineffective. James 5:12 (ESV) says, "…let your 'yes' be yes and your 'no' be no."

#4: Absolutely do not negotiate.

Since abusers do not use words fairly, negotiation will not work. Instead of "talking out" the problem, your abuser will seek to wear you out! Therefore, state that when the negative behavior stops, you look forward to a renewed relationship.

"I am not willing to discuss this topic further. … I've stated clearly what I will not accept. … When you're ready to respect my requests, let me know. I look forward to being together at that time."

Keep your words brief and to the point. Proverbs 10:19 (NIV) warns that, "Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues."

#5: Never "react" when your boundary is violated … only respond.

Expect your boundary to be violated again and again! If you react, you will find yourself back under the abuser's control. Respond by detaching yourself from the abuser and enforcing your repercussions.

Expect your abuser to use manipulative maneuvers. Don't cry. Don't beg. Don't explode. Expect your abuser to have emotional ups and downs. Expect your abuser to be angry with the boundary you have set. But don't seek to placate – it won't work.

Take to heart Ecclesiastes 7:8-9 (NIV): "The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools."

#6: Solicit the support of one or two wise, objective people to help you through this process.

Include supporters as you analyze the problem, formulate your plan and enforce the repercussions. Trusted individuals – friends, mentors, counselors – can help you through this critical period.

Discuss the situation with your supporters, including tactics used on you. Proverbs 19:20 (NIV) says, "Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise."

Once Georgia began implementing this plan, reinforcing her boundaries every time, her husband's abuse began to subside. His tactics no longer worked!

Consider your strategy similar to undergoing cancer surgery. You must get rid of the malignancy or else it will spread to other areas of your body. Likewise, this painful procedure provides the only hope for healing in order to have a new, healthy relationship.

Proverbs 12:18 (NIV) promises, "… the tongue of the wise brings healing." In truth, no one wants to have surgery – but it can save your life!

THis one at least portrays that there's hope for change..and you really have to have the patience of job..note that physical abuse isn't mentioned here.Plenty of helpful articles on google.
Good luck dear!

moca:

Madam,thank u

,it is well..

I for one is the type pregnancy shows shege.
On top that(ur baby o with ur name o) u pour food on my body.
U will kill me that day
After running come back home.

I'm not surprised. His third leg will not allow him to enter the kitchen and cook.

Bia madam, tell him that he should start cooking food for the family henceforth.

He knows how to put his third leg inside my toto but can't accept d responsibilities that comes with it.

And I strongly blame our church and mosque
Be a submissive wife slogan has killed many women's self worth and image.
It has also killed many marriages instead of repair.

They always choose their victims well.
Or is it every woman that he will pour food at?

sexynne:
@netotse, I understand what you mean. talking back at him was wrong and I accept that. Take note that I am testing the waters, trying to see which will work for me. i'v always been the 'sorry sir' ' yes sir' kindof a person which I guess is what has given birth to this degrading behaviour.
I felt that I needed to do something a bit different from what he is used to.

Hey! Hold it there!
Let nobody cajole u into believing u did the wrong thing.
That guy should go and read up pregnancy and hormones at early stage.

Small thing especially from loved ones can spark u off.
Mostly if the hormones has disorganized ur system.
Haven't u heard"oh, she is pregnant, no wonder".

A man that's supposed to pamper u like raw egg is pouring food on ur u and his look alike is of course blaming u.
What a man.
Can u see his line of argument?

I'm 100% sure that if this guy is married to oyibo, he will worship the ground she walks on.
That man that will make my self image nose dive is still in d incubator.

gleatz:
@Floodgater
Make I no hear say u dey go on break ooooo so that what Happened in 1850 don't repeat itsef on this thread #winks#

U re a Sis we can always reckon with (to whom shaLl we go........). I sent an update to u

@BabyOsisi
U allowed Moca to go on sabbatical leave, pls call her back, its enough na. We can not do without you Mamas in the house. Pls don't join them in this break things ooooo

Upiantu!

I dey o!
D spirit is moving me around

Thank u all for the words of wisdom, you all are far too kind. Well, i'v compromised a lot and knew I had to take a decisive position, thus my coming to seek for advice. I'v always bin tempted to tell my parents but I feel it will make an unrepairable damage(dad is so strick and wnt want me to spend one more day). I already refused to do anything for/with him all day which I am sure he will read as sulking(SHOCKER AWAITS HIM). Sleeping in the guest room and waiting for the right time to struck. Thank u all for the moral, I sure needed it.
@floodgater, no we have nt made up yet.
@madampinkolo special tnx to that eye opener.

Sexynne, now this is the real me talking.

I don't know but anytime I see a hubby maltreating a pregnant wife, I will be enraged.

Be calm.

Wait for him to come back.
Don't cower or fear.
Tell him u wouldn't want a repeat of what happened b4 or any thing that resembles it.

U r a human like him and if u should start going his way,d house might not contain d two of u.
Also, if u dare tell ur people, he knows how far.
U r a human like him and should be respected as one,then as a wife and companion plus a mother to his children.
U did not agree to we'd him because u knew he will pour food on ur body but agreed bc u knew he loves u and d love was returned.
If at any time he feels she is not doing d right thing, he shouldn't hesitate to correct u in love.
That is d bedlock of ur union.

Talk from ur heart. And be very serious about it.
Does he want d union to nose dive?.

Now, do a private background check on his parents especially father and family.
U will be shocked at what u will discover.

If what u discover affirms ur fear.
Do help him to overcome such behaviour.
One step at a time.

Some of us grew up in a not stable enough environ that we think the way we behave is d norm.
Remember,be calm. Very calm.

Ur family will come out better and stronger.


There is this woman I know, whenever she is talking to d children,always shouting. Now d children shouts at one another.
I wouldn't be surprised when they all marry tomorrow,shouting galore continues.

May God give u wisdom.

sexynne:
I served him lunch, guess he didt hear when I told him food is served, went to the room to feed our son, then he came in and complained that I didt inform him that i'v served food, so I shld come clear the table. Told him, if he wnt eat he shld clear the table himself. He left the room and came back with the plate n poured the content on me.

what?!!!!