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How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches - Romance - Nairaland

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How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by oakson: 11:11am On Mar 13, 2015
In the following lines you'd be exposed to how to attract, woo, and marry ladies in some Nigerian churches.

Get a seat and let's roll...

MOUNTAIN OF FIRE
Wooing an MFM girl entails a fiery approach. U must be spiritually rugged, a carrier of fire[dem go fit fry egg for your head sef wit d kain fire wey u must carry].

You must be a demon chaser and spiritual jail breaker!

Going on 3 days dry must be like 3 hours to you.

Academic qualification is at least OND. You must be vast in demonology, with a clear, robust and empirical demonic interpretation of sex, anger, beer, etcetera

You must also know the demons behind shoki dance, sekem, attachment, weave on and the likes!

Finally you must have cast out at least 10 demons from your life or anybody's!

N.B: You can't Test Before Payment[b](TBP)[/b] because demons would expose you.

DEEPER LIFE
Hmmmm.... ***clears throat***

You must know the bible from pali to pali, sell all your designers and get yourself some old skool shirts and trousers.

Change your LCD to black and white, your home theatre to video cassette player(because brethren may come for inspection)!

You must have the same speech pattern like the general himself (baba I hail o), with good command of the English language.

Academic qualification must be minimum Bsc or its equivalent! [if you no go school your type dey dere too]

It is not capital intensive as there would be no need for cinemas,vacation,picnics, night outs and diamond ring for the 'will you marry me' question!

Just easter and december retreat is okay for the relationship.

Above all you must be willing to use your head carry eba during retreats and very humble to the core

NB: Tasting Before Payment TBP and divorce are not allowed
.

REDEEMED
Let sombori shout aleluya...

You must get yourself every RCCG souvenirs you can think of; ranging from wrist band to calender, t-shirt, sticker etcetera. You can even sew a customised RCCG's ankara and wear it to her place.

You must have one of their pastor that is close to Baba as a relative or in-law(to make the girl head swell well well)

Join the workers, especially ushering department or choir and be a regular pilgrim of Holy Ghost Night and let's go a fishing.

Get yourself different colours of tambourine and security whistle(for praise na) in case you no sabi dance well well.

N.B:[/b]Their wedding is relative to the intended couples pocket! Academic qualification at least Bsc

[b] Christ Embassy and Household of God

Same thing applies to these two churches as their MOG share almost everything in common!

You must be a very good jerry curler, a huge sower of seed and a great shouter!

Sit on top of a conglomerate or be a celeb(up coming artiste are allowed with Queen's english and heavy swag).

If you no go school at all abi you no sabi English, sorry bro, your own don finish, don't just apply!

Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all through to your boxers with demon binding perfumes!

You must be a good mimer and fan of Sinachi, Buchi, Frank Edward and their likes.

If you kon get talent, like good voice join am or you be fine boy... Chai your own don haf done!

No bringing of bibles to d church; your tablets and other gadgets must be visible and a debtor to the eyes(j'oju n'gbese)!

You must be able to speak in tongues and not just have a common one, you must have at least 5 types of tongue with vibration!

Their wedding is mostly expensive.
N.B: Unlimited TBP is inclusive with a robust package

Warning: these marriages are liable to die young.

WHITE GARMENT
You must be a great drinker of Alomo, orijin, baby oku and paraga for easy, direct and uninterrupted access to the spirit world! Weed is also allowed!

You must carry dreadlock with a good display of Terry G's kind of madness!

Your garment can be yellow, red or blue according to the colour of your preferred drink or its container.

White if you prefer palm wine! You must sabi shoki and alanta well well and sabi use clap and broom cure madness!

A little knowledge of Quran would do because they often speak arabic in their realm! You will need a kind of Jarules or Papa Ayo's chain on your garment to really convince her that you belong!

Their wedding is not compulsory as the girl could even be carrying your third child without u even knowing her parents!

Academic qualification is at least primary school leaving certificate with little madness or a certificate from Aro or Yaba left!

N.B: Polygamy and TBP dey yafun yafun!

CHRIST APOSTOLIC CHURCH
This you can and can't do it alone, you will need the help of your grandma cos dem no dey gree leave the church.

Learn two or three hymns, few of Uncle Ojo Ade's song and Mama Bola Are's and be a good prayer leader.

Cram as many psalms you can, how to pray on water and see vision or hear voices.

Get yourself a prayer bell sew one cassock and make it a daily routine at exactly 5am be the one to always wake the girl's neighbourhood with your morning cry.

When you get to the front of her building stand for 3-5minutes and raise your voice higher, then proceed.

Continue for three weeks and watch how things unfold!

Qualification is minimum SSCE and their wedding is considerate!

N.B: No Testing... and divorce is not allowed!

No mind my English o, just let's catch fun!


Please this is not to ridicule or mock the body of Christ

222 Likes 37 Shares

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by adanduka: 11:14am On Mar 13, 2015
grin

Funny sha but be careful with words so you don't hurt brethren kiss

10 Likes 3 Shares

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Enegod(m): 11:15am On Mar 13, 2015
undecided
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Bloomyloo: 11:15am On Mar 13, 2015
Lmao........ Yeye dey smell

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Samyj247: 11:21am On Mar 13, 2015
what abt catholic people na nd wat do u min by TBP ND NO TBP

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by larrytopsy(m): 11:22am On Mar 13, 2015
Lol... good creativity even though all is just for joke. I smell front page.

14 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 11:24am On Mar 13, 2015
*modified

Over here in WSFM, all you need is loads of money, and the pastor will even be give out his wife for you to marry grin

3 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by kristen12(f): 11:33am On Mar 13, 2015
adanduka:
grin

Funny sha but be careful with words so you don't hurt their members kiss
Seconded
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Harmvirus(f): 11:39am On Mar 13, 2015
Lol.
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 11:39am On Mar 13, 2015
Lmao @ deeper life. grin

5 Likes 2 Shares

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by oakson: 11:40am On Mar 13, 2015
adanduka:
grin

Funny sha but be careful with words so you don't hurt brethren kiss
True, but it is just an imagination! So no denigration intended! Thanks

7 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by crudemoney: 11:47am On Mar 13, 2015
I love DAT embassy own gaan












TBP Na Im sure pass

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Viktor1983(m): 12:31pm On Mar 13, 2015
Ok
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by condralbede(m): 12:32pm On Mar 13, 2015
Following....Xup with choosen mobolcos I get one crush thrgrin

2 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Babaneh(m): 12:32pm On Mar 13, 2015
grin churches and various character exhibition...

2 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by LMAyedun(m): 12:33pm On Mar 13, 2015
grin

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by steppins: 12:33pm On Mar 13, 2015
Funny.

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 12:34pm On Mar 13, 2015
i love this cheesy

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by kilokeys(m): 12:35pm On Mar 13, 2015
i dey come
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by gurunlocker: 12:35pm On Mar 13, 2015
wey baptist dey?........ omo you are right about christ embassy speaking in tongue, like my neighbour

7 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 12:35pm On Mar 13, 2015
Lol
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Arlex(m): 12:35pm On Mar 13, 2015
That white garment own got me laughing... If their member catch u , sorry na ur name o.

7 Likes 1 Share

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Ishilove: 12:35pm On Mar 13, 2015
Crazy cheesy

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by ShutdownBrown24(m): 12:35pm On Mar 13, 2015
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 12:35pm On Mar 13, 2015
grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin

Sorry...I had to laugh.

BTW....where is the advice for the guy looking at Anglican/Roman Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian,United Evangelical Church, ECWA, EYN, Aladura, CAC, C&S, GKS, Jehovah's Witnesses and Living faith ladies ?

Modified....today I have learned a new phrase....TBP....! grin

7 Likes 1 Share

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by fulfillment22: 12:36pm On Mar 13, 2015
Almost all topics now make it to FP these days.
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Coldfeet(f): 12:36pm On Mar 13, 2015
At Samyj247 Catholic ke? You want make tsunami of insults fall on the op? Abeg op its good you left out the Catholics here o! Its allowed to make fun of every other denomination but NEVER you make fun of Catholics and Muslims o! Them no dey play at all. tongue

TBP= Testing before purchase lolz grin

12 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Kentrasso(f): 12:36pm On Mar 13, 2015
Nansense post angry

4 Likes 1 Share

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by tiamiyukunle69(m): 12:38pm On Mar 13, 2015
Lols grin

2 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by bizngr(f): 12:38pm On Mar 13, 2015
I love this!

3 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by johnshagb(m): 12:39pm On Mar 13, 2015
hilarious grin grin

3 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Melasam(f): 12:39pm On Mar 13, 2015
doesn't make sense to me

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