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How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches - Romance (2) - Nairaland

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Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Tobilastik(m): 12:39pm On Mar 13, 2015
..
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by free2ryhme: 12:39pm On Mar 13, 2015
grin grin
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Firefire(m): 12:40pm On Mar 13, 2015
grin smiley
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by BizBloke(m): 12:41pm On Mar 13, 2015
Lol. Funny! grin
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Donmichaelz(m): 12:41pm On Mar 13, 2015
buhari for president 2015

2 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Adesiji77: 12:41pm On Mar 13, 2015
grin

Ishilove, what do you have to say on this?
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 12:42pm On Mar 13, 2015
Donmichaelz:
buhari for president 2015


Hey....politician....abeg park well.

This is not the Politics motor park.

2 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by instaforexngr(m): 12:42pm On Mar 13, 2015
guy,
na my church you dey yab like this,
if i catch u.....
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Bants(m): 12:42pm On Mar 13, 2015
What about Celestial church
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Elkrypto(m): 12:43pm On Mar 13, 2015
angry
I couldn't help but... grin


Not Funny tho!
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Coldfeet(f): 12:44pm On Mar 13, 2015
Goodluck Ebele Jonathan

For president .


cool

3 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by SAMBARRY: 12:44pm On Mar 13, 2015
grin grin
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by zubimete(f): 12:44pm On Mar 13, 2015
op i need details frm asembies of church, catholic and winners chapel. Beside which one do u want to follow? U made my day though.
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by joshrare(m): 12:46pm On Mar 13, 2015
Lmfao@op

But like seriously,.
Op, how did you come by all these info?
You don search tire

NA you be king of ULTIMATE SEARCH

3 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by egariyi(f): 12:46pm On Mar 13, 2015
grin grin grin grin grin @ This marriage is liable to die young

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Tycike: 12:46pm On Mar 13, 2015
oakson:
In the following lines you'd be exposed to how to attract, woo, and marry ladies in some Nigerian churches.

Get a seat and let's roll...

MOUNTAIN OF FIRE
Wooing an MFM girl entails a fiery approach. U must be spiritually rugged, a carrier of fire[dem go fit fry egg for your head sef wit d kain fire wey u must carry].

You must be a demon chaser and spiritual jail breaker!

Going on 3 days dry must be like 3 hours to you.

Academic qualification is at least OND. You must be vast in demonology, with a clear, robust and empirical demonic interpretation of sex, anger, beer, etcetera

You must also know the demons behind shoki dance, sekem, attachment, weave on and the likes!

Finally you must have cast out at least 10 demons from your life or anybody's!

N.B: You can't Test Before Payment[b](TBP)[/b] because demons would expose you.

DEEPER LIFE
Hmmmm.... ***clears throat***

You must know the bible from pali to pali, sell all your designers and get yourself some old skool shirts and trousers.

Change your LCD to black and white, your home theatre to video cassette player(because brethren may come for inspection)!

You must have the same speech pattern like the general himself (baba I hail o), with good command of the English language.

Academic qualification must be minimum Bsc or its equivalent! [if you no go school your type dey dere too]

It is not capital intensive as there would be no need for cinemas,vacation,picnics, night outs and diamond ring for the 'will you marry me' question!

Just easter and december retreat is okay for the relationship.

Above all you must be willing to use your head carry eba during retreats and very humble to the core

NB: Tasting Before Payment TBP and divorce are not allowed
.

REDEEMED
Let sombori shout aleluya...

You must get yourself every RCCG souvenirs you can think of; ranging from wrist band to calender, t-shirt, sticker etcetera. You can even sew a customised RCCG's ankara and wear it to her place.

You must have one of their pastor that is close to Baba as a relative or in-law(to make the girl head swell well well)

Join the workers, especially ushering department or choir and be a regular pilgrim of Holy Ghost Night and let's go a fishing.

Get yourself different colours of tambourine and security whistle(for praise na) in case you no sabi dance well well.

N.B:[/b]Their wedding is relative to the intended couples pocket! Academic qualification at least Bsc

[b] Christ Embassy and Household of God

Same thing applies to these two churches as their MOG share almost everything in common!

You must be a very good jerry curler, a huge sower of seed and a great shouter!

Sit on top of a conglomerate or be a celeb(up coming artiste are allowed with Queen's english and heavy swag).

If you no go school at all abi you no sabi English, sorry bro, your own don finish, don't just apply!

Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all through to your boxers with demon binding perfumes!

You must be a good mimer and fan of Sinachi, Buchi, Frank Edward and their likes.

If you kon get talent, like good voice join am or you be fine boy... Chai your own don haf done!

No bringing of bibles to d church; your tablets and other gadgets must be visible and a debtor to the eyes(j'oju n'gbese)!

You must be able to speak in tongues and not just have a common one, you must have at least 5 types of tongue with vibration!

Their wedding is mostly expensive.
N.B: Unlimited TBP is inclusive with a robust package

Warning: these marriages are liable to die young.

WHITE GARMENT
You must be a great drinker of Alomo, orijin, baby oku and paraga for easy, direct and uninterrupted access to the spirit world! Weed is also allowed!

You must carry dreadlock with a good display of Terry G's kind of madness!

Your garment can be yellow, red or blue according to the colour of your preferred drink or its container.

White if you prefer palm wine! You must sabi shoki and alanta well well and sabi use clap and broom cure madness!

A little knowledge of Quran would do because they often speak arabic in their realm! You will need a kind of Jarules or Papa Ayo's chain on your garment to really convince her that you belong!

Their wedding is not compulsory as the girl could even be carrying your third child without u even knowing her parents!

Academic qualification is at least primary school leaving certificate with little madness or a certificate from Aro or Yaba left!

N.B: Polygamy and TBP dey yafun yafun!

CHRIST APOSTOLIC CHURCH
This you can and can't do it alone, you will need the help of your grandma cos dem no dey gree leave the church.

Learn two or three hymns, few of Uncle Ojo Ade's song and Mama Bola Are's and be a good prayer leader.

Cram as many psalms you can, how to pray on water and see vision or hear voices.

Get yourself a prayer bell sew one cassock and make it a daily routine at exactly 5am be the one to always wake the girl's neighbourhood with your morning cry.

When you get to the front of her building stand for 3-5minutes and raise your voice higher, then proceed.

Continue for three weeks and watch how things unfold!

Qualification is minimum SSCE and their wedding is considerate!

N.B: No Testing... and divorce is not allowed!

No mind my English o, just let's catch fun!


Please this is not to ridicule or mock the body of Christ
You didn't give any detail on tasting before marriage for RCCG. How e bi for there cos na there i wan marry from.

3 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 12:47pm On Mar 13, 2015
Nyc joke @op, i enjoyed reading it.

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by mmsen: 12:47pm On Mar 13, 2015
This post could have been shortened to "ensure that you have large wallet; wear an extravagant watch; feminine shoes,; silk shirts; drive a German car".

You don't even need to pretend to believe in the same childish mumbo jumbo that they do.
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Mhizkel(f): 12:50pm On Mar 13, 2015
Ltwmb o...Op u tried!

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by SmooshCHN: 12:50pm On Mar 13, 2015
oakson:
In the following lines you'd be exposed to how to attract, woo, and marry ladies in some Nigerian churches.

Get a seat and let's roll...

MOUNTAIN OF FIRE
Wooing an MFM girl entails a fiery approach. U must be spiritually rugged, a carrier of fire[dem go fit fry egg for your head sef wit d kain fire wey u must carry].

You must be a demon chaser and spiritual jail breaker!

Going on 3 days dry must be like 3 hours to you.

Academic qualification is at least OND. You must be vast in demonology, with a clear, robust and empirical demonic interpretation of sex, anger, beer, etcetera

You must also know the demons behind shoki dance, sekem, attachment, weave on and the likes!

Finally you must have cast out at least 10 demons from your life or anybody's!

N.B: You can't Test Before Payment[b](TBP)[/b] because demons would expose you.

DEEPER LIFE
Hmmmm.... ***clears throat***

You must know the bible from pali to pali, sell all your designers and get yourself some old skool shirts and trousers.

Change your LCD to black and white, your home theatre to video cassette player(because brethren may come for inspection)!

You must have the same speech pattern like the general himself (baba I hail o), with good command of the English language.

Academic qualification must be minimum Bsc or its equivalent! [if you no go school your type dey dere too]

It is not capital intensive as there would be no need for cinemas,vacation,picnics, night outs and diamond ring for the 'will you marry me' question!

Just easter and december retreat is okay for the relationship.

Above all you must be willing to use your head carry eba during retreats and very humble to the core

NB: Tasting Before Payment TBP and divorce are not allowed
.

REDEEMED
Let sombori shout aleluya...

You must get yourself every RCCG souvenirs you can think of; ranging from wrist band to calender, t-shirt, sticker etcetera. You can even sew a customised RCCG's ankara and wear it to her place.

You must have one of their pastor that is close to Baba as a relative or in-law(to make the girl head swell well well)

Join the workers, especially ushering department or choir and be a regular pilgrim of Holy Ghost Night and let's go a fishing.

Get yourself different colours of tambourine and security whistle(for praise na) in case you no sabi dance well well.

N.B:[/b]Their wedding is relative to the intended couples pocket! Academic qualification at least Bsc

[b] Christ Embassy and Household of God

Same thing applies to these two churches as their MOG share almost everything in common!

You must be a very good jerry curler, a huge sower of seed and a great shouter!

Sit on top of a conglomerate or be a celeb(up coming artiste are allowed with Queen's english and heavy swag).

If you no go school at all abi you no sabi English, sorry bro, your own don finish, don't just apply!

Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all through to your boxers with demon binding perfumes!

You must be a good mimer and fan of Sinachi, Buchi, Frank Edward and their likes.

If you kon get talent, like good voice join am or you be fine boy... Chai your own don haf done!

No bringing of bibles to d church; your tablets and other gadgets must be visible and a debtor to the eyes(j'oju n'gbese)!

You must be able to speak in tongues and not just have a common one, you must have at least 5 types of tongue with vibration!

Their wedding is mostly expensive.
N.B: Unlimited TBP is inclusive with a robust package

Warning: these marriages are liable to die young.

WHITE GARMENT
You must be a great drinker of Alomo, orijin, baby oku and paraga for easy, direct and uninterrupted access to the spirit world! Weed is also allowed!

You must carry dreadlock with a good display of Terry G's kind of madness!

Your garment can be yellow, red or blue according to the colour of your preferred drink or its container.

White if you prefer palm wine! You must sabi shoki and alanta well well and sabi use clap and broom cure madness!

A little knowledge of Quran would do because they often speak arabic in their realm! You will need a kind of Jarules or Papa Ayo's chain on your garment to really convince her that you belong!

Their wedding is not compulsory as the girl could even be carrying your third child without u even knowing her parents!

Academic qualification is at least primary school leaving certificate with little madness or a certificate from Aro or Yaba left!

N.B: Polygamy and TBP dey yafun yafun!

CHRIST APOSTOLIC CHURCH
This you can and can't do it alone, you will need the help of your grandma cos dem no dey gree leave the church.

Learn two or three hymns, few of Uncle Ojo Ade's song and Mama Bola Are's and be a good prayer leader.

Cram as many psalms you can, how to pray on water and see vision or hear voices.

Get yourself a prayer bell sew one cassock and make it a daily routine at exactly 5am be the one to always wake the girl's neighbourhood with your morning cry.

When you get to the front of her building stand for 3-5minutes and raise your voice higher, then proceed.

Continue for three weeks and watch how things unfold!

Qualification is minimum SSCE and their wedding is considerate!

N.B: No Testing... and divorce is not allowed!

No mind my English o, just let's catch fun!


Please this is not to ridicule or mock the body of Christ

Interesting piece I must say. Thank you. Please add more to the list or you bring another interesting topic. BTW I like the Christ Embassy Package

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by poshest(f): 12:52pm On Mar 13, 2015
lol @ 'demon binding perfume' grin chai

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 12:52pm On Mar 13, 2015
Adventists nko?
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by samkevie: 12:54pm On Mar 13, 2015
Very funny

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by phemocheee(m): 12:54pm On Mar 13, 2015
Very funny @WHITE GARMENT

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by ugoezeik(m): 12:55pm On Mar 13, 2015
Lok grin grin ;Di laff soteyyyy ppl in d street cm tink say na mad man wey dem released frm quarantine. But d joke rili mk sence die

4 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by MKO4ever(m): 12:56pm On Mar 13, 2015
lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by samkevie: 12:56pm On Mar 13, 2015
Melasam:
doesn't make sense to me
probably u don't ve one

7 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by ugoezeik(m): 12:56pm On Mar 13, 2015
No apc ppl in d house to comment?
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Cchuks27(m): 12:56pm On Mar 13, 2015
Lol. This really put some smile to my face. Thanks. Looking out for Catholic tho :-)

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by AmaechiLinus(m): 12:56pm On Mar 13, 2015
Na Spirit & Life bible church own sweet pass
lolz..........funny enough!
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 12:57pm On Mar 13, 2015
starlingleanets:
Adventists nko?

Simples...

1.Be prepared to go to church on Saturday.....so if Arsenal is playing Chelsea...sorry!

2.No smoking, and no alcohol, and no sugar. Your diet go change well well!(So if you like Orijin tire.....)

3.You must be prepared to build a library of the works of Ellen .G White....as well as good knowledge of the Bible.

4.Keep your TV tuned to Hope Channel.....

5.Dress VERY conserviatively....(for ladies...better get rid of your miniskirts...for guys...na suit you go wear.).

No TBP.....NO TBP....and no divorce!

(Jokes aside...I like Adventists....even though I do not agree with all their doctrines).

3 Likes

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