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How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches - Romance (6) - Nairaland

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Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by manydgreat(m): 9:08pm On Mar 13, 2015
oakson:
In the following lines you'd be exposed to how to attract, woo, and marry ladies in some Nigerian churches.

Get a seat and let's roll...

MOUNTAIN OF FIRE
Wooing an MFM girl entails a fiery approach. U must be spiritually rugged, a carrier of fire[dem go fit fry egg for your head sef wit d kain fire wey u must carry].

You must be a demon chaser and spiritual jail breaker!

Going on 3 days dry must be like 3 hours to you.

Academic qualification is at least OND. You must be vast in demonology, with a clear, robust and empirical demonic interpretation of sex, anger, beer, etcetera

You must also know the demons behind shoki dance, sekem, attachment, weave on and the likes!

Finally you must have cast out at least 10 demons from your life or anybody's!

N.B: You can't Test Before Payment[b](TBP)[/b] because demons would expose you.

DEEPER LIFE
Hmmmm.... ***clears throat***

You must know the bible from pali to pali, sell all your designers and get yourself some old skool shirts and trousers.

Change your LCD to black and white, your home theatre to video cassette player(because brethren may come for inspection)!

You must have the same speech pattern like the general himself (baba I hail o), with good command of the English language.

Academic qualification must be minimum Bsc or its equivalent! [if you no go school your type dey dere too]

It is not capital intensive as there would be no need for cinemas,vacation,picnics, night outs and diamond ring for the 'will you marry me' question!

Just easter and december retreat is okay for the relationship.

Above all you must be willing to use your head carry eba during retreats and very humble to the core

NB: Tasting Before Payment TBP and divorce are not allowed
.

REDEEMED
Let sombori shout aleluya...

You must get yourself every RCCG souvenirs you can think of; ranging from wrist band to calender, t-shirt, sticker etcetera. You can even sew a customised RCCG's ankara and wear it to her place.

You must have one of their pastor that is close to Baba as a relative or in-law(to make the girl head swell well well)

Join the workers, especially ushering department or choir and be a regular pilgrim of Holy Ghost Night and let's go a fishing.

Get yourself different colours of tambourine and security whistle(for praise na) in case you no sabi dance well well.

N.B:[/b]Their wedding is relative to the intended couples pocket! Academic qualification at least Bsc

[b] Christ Embassy and Household of God

Same thing applies to these two churches as their MOG share almost everything in common!

You must be a very good jerry curler, a huge sower of seed and a great shouter!

Sit on top of a conglomerate or be a celeb(up coming artiste are allowed with Queen's english and heavy swag).

If you no go school at all abi you no sabi English, sorry bro, your own don finish, don't just apply!

Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all through to your boxers with demon binding perfumes!

You must be a good mimer and fan of Sinachi, Buchi, Frank Edward and their likes.

If you kon get talent, like good voice join am or you be fine boy... Chai your own don haf done!

No bringing of bibles to d church; your tablets and other gadgets must be visible and a debtor to the eyes(j'oju n'gbese)!

You must be able to speak in tongues and not just have a common one, you must have at least 5 types of tongue with vibration!

Their wedding is mostly expensive.
N.B: Unlimited TBP is inclusive with a robust package

Warning: these marriages are liable to die young.

WHITE GARMENT
You must be a great drinker of Alomo, orijin, baby oku and paraga for easy, direct and uninterrupted access to the spirit world! Weed is also allowed!

You must carry dreadlock with a good display of Terry G's kind of madness!

Your garment can be yellow, red or blue according to the colour of your preferred drink or its container.

White if you prefer palm wine! You must sabi shoki and alanta well well and sabi use clap and broom cure madness!

A little knowledge of Quran would do because they often speak arabic in their realm! You will need a kind of Jarules or Papa Ayo's chain on your garment to really convince her that you belong!

Their wedding is not compulsory as the girl could even be carrying your third child without u even knowing her parents!

Academic qualification is at least primary school leaving certificate with little madness or a certificate from Aro or Yaba left!

N.B: Polygamy and TBP dey yafun yafun!

CHRIST APOSTOLIC CHURCH
This you can and can't do it alone, you will need the help of your grandma cos dem no dey gree leave the church.

Learn two or three hymns, few of Uncle Ojo Ade's song and Mama Bola Are's and be a good prayer leader.

Cram as many psalms you can, how to pray on water and see vision or hear voices.

Get yourself a prayer bell sew one cassock and make it a daily routine at exactly 5am be the one to always wake the girl's neighbourhood with your morning cry.

When you get to the front of her building stand for 3-5minutes and raise your voice higher, then proceed.

Continue for three weeks and watch how things unfold!

Qualification is minimum SSCE and their wedding is considerate!

N.B: No Testing... and divorce is not allowed!

No mind my English o, just let's catch fun!


Please this is not to ridicule or mock the body of Christ

chaii oboy u get time.....prety funny thou
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Coldfeet(f): 9:36pm On Mar 13, 2015
Samyj247:

Chai, but ds TBP tins en. Wat if I con taste d tin nd e don sawa. Na to go look for another to taste o. Hmmmmm

Inbtwn-dat ur pic de fear me
lolz
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by edydamsel(f): 11:27pm On Mar 13, 2015
if you cannot make fun of Jesus,then don't make fun of the body of Christ.........
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by wolexanda(m): 11:31pm On Mar 13, 2015
honestly, it is not just funny but this is exactly what is going on among churches. bros kudos to you.

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Bexson: 12:06am On Mar 14, 2015
edydamsel:
if you cannot make fun of Jesus,then don't make fun of the body of Christ.........
Body of what! No be only body; na boobs.
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by tolababa(m): 12:17am On Mar 14, 2015
oakson:


CHRIST APOSTOLIC CHURCH
This you can and can't do it alone, you will need the help of your grandma cos dem no dey gree leave the church.

Learn two or three hymns, few of Uncle Ojo Ade's song and Mama Bola Are's and be a good prayer leader.

Cram as many psalms you can, how to pray on water and see vision or hear voices.

Get yourself a prayer bell sew one cassock and make it a daily routine at exactly 5am be the one to always wake the girl's neighbourhood with your morning cry.

When you get to the front of her building stand for 3-5minutes and raise your voice higher, then proceed.

Continue for three weeks and watch how things unfold!

Qualification is minimum SSCE and their wedding is considerate!

N.B: No Testing... and divorce is not allowed!

No mind my English o, just let's catch fun!


Please this is not to ridicule or mock the body of Christ

True for CAC

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by dubemivan(m): 12:21am On Mar 14, 2015
oakson:
In the following lines you'd be exposed to how to attract, woo, and marry ladies in some Nigerian churches.

Get a seat and let's roll...

MOUNTAIN OF FIRE
Wooing an MFM girl entails a fiery approach. U must be spiritually rugged, a carrier of fire[dem go fit fry egg for your head sef wit d kain fire wey u must carry].

You must be a demon chaser and spiritual jail breaker!

Going on 3 days dry must be like 3 hours to you.

Academic qualification is at least OND. You must be vast in demonology, with a clear, robust and empirical demonic interpretation of sex, anger, beer, etcetera

You must also know the demons behind shoki dance, sekem, attachment, weave on and the likes!

Finally you must have cast out at least 10 demons from your life or anybody's!

N.B: You can't Test Before Payment[b](TBP)[/b] because demons would expose you.

DEEPER LIFE
Hmmmm.... ***clears throat***

You must know the bible from pali to pali, sell all your designers and get yourself some old skool shirts and trousers.

Change your LCD to black and white, your home theatre to video cassette player(because brethren may come for inspection)!

You must have the same speech pattern like the general himself (baba I hail o), with good command of the English language.

Academic qualification must be minimum Bsc or its equivalent! [if you no go school your type dey dere too]

It is not capital intensive as there would be no need for cinemas,vacation,picnics, night outs and diamond ring for the 'will you marry me' question!

Just easter and december retreat is okay for the relationship.

Above all you must be willing to use your head carry eba during retreats and very humble to the core

NB: Tasting Before Payment TBP and divorce are not allowed
.

REDEEMED
Let sombori shout aleluya...

You must get yourself every RCCG souvenirs you can think of; ranging from wrist band to calender, t-shirt, sticker etcetera. You can even sew a customised RCCG's ankara and wear it to her place.

You must have one of their pastor that is close to Baba as a relative or in-law(to make the girl head swell well well)

Join the workers, especially ushering department or choir and be a regular pilgrim of Holy Ghost Night and let's go a fishing.

Get yourself different colours of tambourine and security whistle(for praise na) in case you no sabi dance well well.

N.B:[/b]Their wedding is relative to the intended couples pocket! Academic qualification at least Bsc

[b] Christ Embassy and Household of God

Same thing applies to these two churches as their MOG share almost everything in common!

You must be a very good jerry curler, a huge sower of seed and a great shouter!

Sit on top of a conglomerate or be a celeb(up coming artiste are allowed with Queen's english and heavy swag).

If you no go school at all abi you no sabi English, sorry bro, your own don finish, don't just apply!

Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all through to your boxers with demon binding perfumes!

You must be a good mimer and fan of Sinachi, Buchi, Frank Edward and their likes.

If you kon get talent, like good voice join am or you be fine boy... Chai your own don haf done!

No bringing of bibles to d church; your tablets and other gadgets must be visible and a debtor to the eyes(j'oju n'gbese)!

You must be able to speak in tongues and not just have a common one, you must have at least 5 types of tongue with vibration!

Their wedding is mostly expensive.
N.B: Unlimited TBP is inclusive with a robust package

Warning: these marriages are liable to die young.

WHITE GARMENT
You must be a great drinker of Alomo, orijin, baby oku and paraga for easy, direct and uninterrupted access to the spirit world! Weed is also allowed!

You must carry dreadlock with a good display of Terry G's kind of madness!

Your garment can be yellow, red or blue according to the colour of your preferred drink or its container.

White if you prefer palm wine! You must sabi shoki and alanta well well and sabi use clap and broom cure madness!

A little knowledge of Quran would do because they often speak arabic in their realm! You will need a kind of Jarules or Papa Ayo's chain on your garment to really convince her that you belong!

Their wedding is not compulsory as the girl could even be carrying your third child without u even knowing her parents!

Academic qualification is at least primary school leaving certificate with little madness or a certificate from Aro or Yaba left!

N.B: Polygamy and TBP dey yafun yafun!

CHRIST APOSTOLIC CHURCH
This you can and can't do it alone, you will need the help of your grandma cos dem no dey gree leave the church.

Learn two or three hymns, few of Uncle Ojo Ade's song and Mama Bola Are's and be a good prayer leader.

Cram as many psalms you can, how to pray on water and see vision or hear voices.

Get yourself a prayer bell sew one cassock and make it a daily routine at exactly 5am be the one to always wake the girl's neighbourhood with your morning cry.

When you get to the front of her building stand for 3-5minutes and raise your voice higher, then proceed.

Continue for three weeks and watch how things unfold!

Qualification is minimum SSCE and their wedding is considerate!

N.B: No Testing... and divorce is not allowed!

No mind my English o, just let's catch fun!


Please this is not to ridicule or mock the body of Christ
nice though............ But I believe this talent could be better harnessed for more profitability not thrash!
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by infogenius(m): 5:33am On Mar 14, 2015
oweniwe:


if i hear....!!.... angry

officially, den go say testing before payment no good....

But behind your back, they testing demselves severelly.... After dey will do like dey are just seeing each other wen dey see in church again

Haba! dis one is everywhere. It is just based on individual preference.
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by ArcToyin(m): 10:23am On Mar 14, 2015
[quote author=oakson post=31575713]In the following lines you'd be exposed to how to attract, woo, and marry ladies in some Nigerian churches.

Get a seat and let's roll...

MOUNTAIN OF FIRE
Wooing an MFM girl entails a fiery approach. U must be spiritually rugged, a carrier of fire[dem go fit fry egg for your head sef wit d kain fire wey u must carry].

You must be a demon chaser and spiritual jail breaker!

Going on 3 days dry must be like 3 hours to you.

Academic qualification is at least OND. You must be vast in demonology, with a clear, robust and empirical demonic interpretation of sex, anger, beer, etcetera

You must also know the demons behind shoki dance, sekem, attachment, weave on and the likes!

Finally you must have cast out at least 10 demons from your life or anybody's!

N.B: You can't Test Before Payment[b](TBP)[/b] because demons would expose you.

DEEPER LIFE
Hmmmm.... ***clears throat***

You must know the bible from pali to pali, sell all your designers and get yourself some old skool shirts and trousers.

Change your LCD to black and white, your home theatre to video cassette player(because brethren may come for inspection)!

You must have the same speech pattern like the general himself (baba I hail o), with good command of the English language.

Academic qualification must be minimum Bsc or its equivalent! [if you no go school your type dey dere too]

It is not capital intensive as there would be no need for cinemas,vacation,picnics, night outs and diamond ring for the 'will you marry me' question!

Just easter and december retreat is okay for the relationship.

Above all you must be willing to use your head carry eba during retreats and very humble to the core

NB: Tasting Before Payment TBP and divorce are not allowed
.

REDEEMED
Let sombori shout aleluya...

You must get yourself every RCCG souvenirs you can think of; ranging from wrist band to calender, t-shirt, sticker etcetera. You can even sew a customised RCCG's ankara and wear it to her place.

You must have one of their pastor that is close to Baba as a relative or in-law(to make the girl head swell well well)

Join the workers, especially ushering department or choir and be a regular pilgrim of Holy Ghost Night and let's go a fishing.

Get yourself different colours of tambourine and security whistle(for praise na) in case you no sabi dance well well.

N.B:[/b]Their wedding is relative to the intended couples pocket! Academic qualification at least Bsc

[b] Christ Embassy and Household of God

Same thing applies to these two churches as their MOG share almost everything in common!

You must be a very good jerry curler, a huge sower of seed and a great shouter!

Sit on top of a conglomerate or be a celeb(up coming artiste are allowed with Queen's english and heavy swag).

If you no go school at all abi you no sabi English, sorry bro, your own don finish, don't just apply!

Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all through to your boxers with demon binding perfumes!

You must be a good mimer and fan of Sinachi, Buchi, Frank Edward and their likes.

If you kon get talent, like good voice join am or you be fine boy... Chai your own don haf done!

No bringing of bibles to d church; your tablets and other gadgets must be visible and a debtor to the eyes(j'oju n'gbese)!

You must be able to speak in tongues and not just have a common one, you must have at least 5 types of tongue with vibration!

Their wedding is mostly expensive.
N.B: Unlimited TBP is inclusive with a robust package

Warning: these marriages are liable to die young.

WHITE GARMENT
You must be a great drinker of Alomo, orijin, baby oku and paraga for easy, direct and uninterrupted access to the spirit world! Weed is also allowed!

You must carry dreadlock with a good display of Terry G's kind of madness!

Your garment can be yellow, red or blue according to the colour of your preferred drink or its container.

White if you prefer palm wine! You must sabi shoki and alanta well well and sabi use clap and broom cure madness!

A little knowledge of Quran would do because they often speak arabic in their realm! You will need a kind of Jarules or Papa Ayo's chain on your garment to really convince her that you belong!

Their wedding is not compulsory as the girl could even be carrying your third child without u even knowing her parents!

Academic qualification is at least primary school leaving certificate with little madness or a certificate from Aro or Yaba left!

N.B: Polygamy and TBP dey yafun yafun!
Funny & creative. No think am abt some white garment churches. Their lifestyle bi like dem deeper life

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by remsonik(f): 7:30pm On May 26, 2015
Chai op you lucky as insults no dey fly around for this thread

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by OyinO: 3:58am On Sep 07, 2018
100% FACTS

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