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How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches - Romance (3) - Nairaland

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Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by ugoezeik(m): 12:57pm On Mar 13, 2015
If dis tin trend finish without Catholic den na wash
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Bexson: 12:57pm On Mar 13, 2015
Coldfeet:
At Samyj247 Catholic ke? You want make tsunami of insults fall on the op? Abeg op its good you left out the Catholics here o! Its allowed to make fun of every other denomination but NEVER you make fun of Catholics and Muslims o! Them no dey play at all. tongue

TBP= Testing before purchase lolz grin
Catholics not get too peculiarities like that. They're just normal.

3 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by 1miccza: 12:57pm On Mar 13, 2015
Hahahahahahahaha guy you go wound oooo..... Onpointedness!!!!!!

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 12:57pm On Mar 13, 2015
ugoezeik:
No apc ppl in d house to comment?

Kai...these politicians....do you people ever rest?

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by nairabetguru(m): 12:57pm On Mar 13, 2015
oakson:
In the following lines you'd be exposed to how to attract, woo, and marry ladies in some Nigerian churches.

Get a seat and let's roll...

MOUNTAIN OF FIRE
Wooing an MFM girl entails a fiery approach. U must be spiritually rugged, a carrier of fire[dem go fit fry egg for your head sef wit d kain fire wey u must carry].

You must be a demon chaser and spiritual jail breaker!

Going on 3 days dry must be like 3 hours to you.

Academic qualification is at least OND. You must be vast in demonology, with a clear, robust and empirical demonic interpretation of sex, anger, beer, etcetera

You must also know the demons behind shoki dance, sekem, attachment, weave on and the likes!

Finally you must have cast out at least 10 demons from your life or anybody's!

N.B: You can't Test Before Payment[b](TBP)[/b] because demons would expose you.

DEEPER LIFE
Hmmmm.... ***clears throat***

You must know the bible from pali to pali, sell all your designers and get yourself some old skool shirts and trousers.

Change your LCD to black and white, your home theatre to video cassette player(because brethren may come for inspection)!

You must have the same speech pattern like the general himself (baba I hail o), with good command of the English language.

Academic qualification must be minimum Bsc or its equivalent! [if you no go school your type dey dere too]

It is not capital intensive as there would be no need for cinemas,vacation,picnics, night outs and diamond ring for the 'will you marry me' question!

Just easter and december retreat is okay for the relationship.

Above all you must be willing to use your head carry eba during retreats and very humble to the core

NB: Tasting Before Payment TBP and divorce are not allowed
.

REDEEMED
Let sombori shout aleluya...

You must get yourself every RCCG souvenirs you can think of; ranging from wrist band to calender, t-shirt, sticker etcetera. You can even sew a customised RCCG's ankara and wear it to her place.

You must have one of their pastor that is close to Baba as a relative or in-law(to make the girl head swell well well)

Join the workers, especially ushering department or choir and be a regular pilgrim of Holy Ghost Night and let's go a fishing.

Get yourself different colours of tambourine and security whistle(for praise na) in case you no sabi dance well well.

N.B:[/b]Their wedding is relative to the intended couples pocket! Academic qualification at least Bsc

[b] Christ Embassy and Household of God

Same thing applies to these two churches as their MOG share almost everything in common!

You must be a very good jerry curler, a huge sower of seed and a great shouter!

Sit on top of a conglomerate or be a celeb(up coming artiste are allowed with Queen's english and heavy swag).

If you no go school at all abi you no sabi English, sorry bro, your own don finish, don't just apply!

Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all through to your boxers with demon binding perfumes!

You must be a good mimer and fan of Sinachi, Buchi, Frank Edward and their likes.

If you kon get talent, like good voice join am or you be fine boy... Chai your own don haf done!

No bringing of bibles to d church; your tablets and other gadgets must be visible and a debtor to the eyes(j'oju n'gbese)!

You must be able to speak in tongues and not just have a common one, you must have at least 5 types of tongue with vibration!

Their wedding is mostly expensive.
N.B: Unlimited TBP is inclusive with a robust package

Warning: these marriages are liable to die young.

WHITE GARMENT
You must be a great drinker of Alomo, orijin, baby oku and paraga for easy, direct and uninterrupted access to the spirit world! Weed is also allowed!

You must carry dreadlock with a good display of Terry G's kind of madness!

Your garment can be yellow, red or blue according to the colour of your preferred drink or its container.

White if you prefer palm wine! You must sabi shoki and alanta well well and sabi use clap and broom cure madness!

A little knowledge of Quran would do because they often speak arabic in their realm! You will need a kind of Jarules or Papa Ayo's chain on your garment to really convince her that you belong!

Their wedding is not compulsory as the girl could even be carrying your third child without u even knowing her parents!

Academic qualification is at least primary school leaving certificate with little madness or a certificate from Aro or Yaba left!

N.B: Polygamy and TBP dey yafun yafun!

CHRIST APOSTOLIC CHURCH
This you can and can't do it alone, you will need the help of your grandma cos dem no dey gree leave the church.

Learn two or three hymns, few of Uncle Ojo Ade's song and Mama Bola Are's and be a good prayer leader.

Cram as many psalms you can, how to pray on water and see vision or hear voices.

Get yourself a prayer bell sew one cassock and make it a daily routine at exactly 5am be the one to always wake the girl's neighbourhood with your morning cry.

When you get to the front of her building stand for 3-5minutes and raise your voice higher, then proceed.

Continue for three weeks and watch how things unfold!

Qualification is minimum SSCE and their wedding is considerate!

N.B: No Testing... and divorce is not allowed!

No mind my English o, just let's catch fun!


Please this is not to ridicule or mock the body of Christ




OP you are on-point sha wink

lolz @ChristEmbassy

No let Baba G.O do 100 day dry cuase of u oooOOOoooooooo grin

2 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 12:59pm On Mar 13, 2015
The white garment is so funny...

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by darlingnuel(m): 1:00pm On Mar 13, 2015
This is ridiculous, crazy but creative

3 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by infogenius(m): 1:02pm On Mar 13, 2015
op u too much
WINNERS
Dis one is not difficult but tricky.

A good command of English is a must.
Bsc is cool to get u going.
Ur brain must be hyper active or else....

U must belong to a service unit as this
makes u a bona-fide member.

U must attend church programmes to give
u an edge in the happenings of the church.

Having a good knowledge of scriptures and d ministry
is a must.

Honestly u must have a good sense of trendy
decent fashion infact winners love sweet suits.
Having a decent job or thriving business is a plus.

NB : TBP not allowed,divorce highly discouraged

4 Likes 1 Share

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Coldfeet(f): 1:03pm On Mar 13, 2015
Bexson:
Catholics not get too peculiarities like that. They're just normal.
Catholics own plenty o! Make we no go there abeg! I is speaking with experience.
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by oakson: 1:03pm On Mar 13, 2015
instaforexngr:
guy,
na my church you dey yab like this,
if i catch u.....
no vex abeg

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Infoay: 1:04pm On Mar 13, 2015
All these are relative!
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by oakson: 1:05pm On Mar 13, 2015
infogenius:
op u too much
WINNERS
Dis one is not difficult but tricky.

A good command of English is a must.
Bsc is cool to get u going.
Ur brain must be hyper active or else....

U must belong to a service unit as this
makes u a bona-fide member.

U must attend church programmes to give
u an edge in the happenings of the church.

Honestly u must have a good sense of trendy
decent fashion infact winners love sweet suits.
Having a decent job or thriving business is a plus.

NB : TBP not allowed,divorce highly discouraged








I sight u bro! Good one...

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Bexson: 1:05pm On Mar 13, 2015
What of Watchman church? Those people wey dey do like say na only them God recognise for heaven.

2 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Olalimits(m): 1:07pm On Mar 13, 2015
Its very clear the OP stays in[color=#550000][/color] Lagos. The Cele part tho'#OnPoint

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by iamsodium(m): 1:07pm On Mar 13, 2015
So true@cac and











Freaking hilarious @white garment

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by crossrachel77: 1:07pm On Mar 13, 2015
I can't promise u will get rich over night with my program but i can promise you one thing and that is my opportunities are free and legit.. if you want to make money without spending a dime Sign up here>>>>> WWW.JOBS-FASHION.COM
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Nobody: 1:09pm On Mar 13, 2015
ROFLOOOL @ Apostolic & White garment, guy op you dey joke with fire ooo
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by ugoezeik(m): 1:10pm On Mar 13, 2015
bushdoc9919:


Kai...these politicians....do you people ever rest?
no bro. Am jux saying because u go soon c one apcian wey go say na gej caused it. Isn't it true?
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by sod09(m): 1:11pm On Mar 13, 2015
Chai u forget d jw(Jehovah witness)
D johnny walker dem selves
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Bexson: 1:12pm On Mar 13, 2015
Coldfeet:
Catholics own plenty o! Make we no go there abeg! I is speaking with experience.
I never knew.
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by rtmjohn: 1:13pm On Mar 13, 2015
wey scoa
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Sheenor: 1:14pm On Mar 13, 2015
You get mouth to they yab white garment church any how abi no worry, them go dima your case very soon....

Btw, nice write up....
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by oakson: 1:15pm On Mar 13, 2015
SmooshCHN:


Interesting piece I must say. Thank you. Please add more to the list or you bring another interesting topic. BTW I like the Christ Embassy Package
Thanks bro!
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by ugoezeik(m): 1:15pm On Mar 13, 2015
I de com. Mk I ask my galfrnd wetin I go comment
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by oabel(m): 1:15pm On Mar 13, 2015
;DKudos
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by oakson: 1:18pm On Mar 13, 2015
grin
Bexson:
What of Watchman church? Those people wey dey do like say na only them God recognise for heaven.

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by IYANGBALI: 1:18pm On Mar 13, 2015
kilokeys:
i dey come
na who you dey fok wey you dey come?you dey ashewo hotel?
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by medeay(m): 1:21pm On Mar 13, 2015
point of correction, they speak the general "speaking in tongue language" not Arabic
Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Eugenedimgba(m): 1:25pm On Mar 13, 2015
oakson:
In the following lines you'd be exposed to how to attract, woo, and marry ladies in some Nigerian churches.

Get a seat and let's roll...

MOUNTAIN OF FIRE
Wooing an MFM girl entails a fiery approach. U must be spiritually rugged, a carrier of fire[dem go fit fry egg for your head sef wit d kain fire wey u must carry].

You must be a demon chaser and spiritual jail breaker!

Going on 3 days dry must be like 3 hours to you.

Academic qualification is at least OND. You must be vast in demonology, with a clear, robust and empirical demonic interpretation of sex, anger, beer, etcetera

You must also know the demons behind shoki dance, sekem, attachment, weave on and the likes!

Finally you must have cast out at least 10 demons from your life or anybody's!

N.B: You can't Test Before Payment[b](TBP)[/b] because demons would expose you.

DEEPER LIFE
Hmmmm.... ***clears throat***

You must know the bible from pali to pali, sell all your designers and get yourself some old skool shirts and trousers.

Change your LCD to black and white, your home theatre to video cassette player(because brethren may come for inspection)!

You must have the same speech pattern like the general himself (baba I hail o), with good command of the English language.

Academic qualification must be minimum Bsc or its equivalent! [if you no go school your type dey dere too]

It is not capital intensive as there would be no need for cinemas,vacation,picnics, night outs and diamond ring for the 'will you marry me' question!

Just easter and december retreat is okay for the relationship.

Above all you must be willing to use your head carry eba during retreats and very humble to the core

NB: Tasting Before Payment TBP and divorce are not allowed
.

REDEEMED
Let sombori shout aleluya...

You must get yourself every RCCG souvenirs you can think of; ranging from wrist band to calender, t-shirt, sticker etcetera. You can even sew a customised RCCG's ankara and wear it to her place.

You must have one of their pastor that is close to Baba as a relative or in-law(to make the girl head swell well well)

Join the workers, especially ushering department or choir and be a regular pilgrim of Holy Ghost Night and let's go a fishing.

Get yourself different colours of tambourine and security whistle(for praise na) in case you no sabi dance well well.

N.B:[/b]Their wedding is relative to the intended couples pocket! Academic qualification at least Bsc

[b] Christ Embassy and Household of God

Same thing applies to these two churches as their MOG share almost everything in common!

You must be a very good jerry curler, a huge sower of seed and a great shouter!

Sit on top of a conglomerate or be a celeb(up coming artiste are allowed with Queen's english and heavy swag).

If you no go school at all abi you no sabi English, sorry bro, your own don finish, don't just apply!

Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all through to your boxers with demon binding perfumes!

You must be a good mimer and fan of Sinachi, Buchi, Frank Edward and their likes.

If you kon get talent, like good voice join am or you be fine boy... Chai your own don haf done!

No bringing of bibles to d church; your tablets and other gadgets must be visible and a debtor to the eyes(j'oju n'gbese)!

You must be able to speak in tongues and not just have a common one, you must have at least 5 types of tongue with vibration!

Their wedding is mostly expensive.
N.B: Unlimited TBP is inclusive with a robust package

Warning: these marriages are liable to die young.

WHITE GARMENT
You must be a great drinker of Alomo, orijin, baby oku and paraga for easy, direct and uninterrupted access to the spirit world! Weed is also allowed!

You must carry dreadlock with a good display of Terry G's kind of madness!

Your garment can be yellow, red or blue according to the colour of your preferred drink or its container.

White if you prefer palm wine! You must sabi shoki and alanta well well and sabi use clap and broom cure madness!

A little knowledge of Quran would do because they often speak arabic in their realm! You will need a kind of Jarules or Papa Ayo's chain on your garment to really convince her that you belong!

Their wedding is not compulsory as the girl could even be carrying your third child without u even knowing her parents!

Academic qualification is at least primary school leaving certificate with little madness or a certificate from Aro or Yaba left!

N.B: Polygamy and TBP dey yafun yafun!

CHRIST APOSTOLIC CHURCH
This you can and can't do it alone, you will need the help of your grandma cos dem no dey gree leave the church.

Learn two or three hymns, few of Uncle Ojo Ade's song and Mama Bola Are's and be a good prayer leader.

Cram as many psalms you can, how to pray on water and see vision or hear voices.

Get yourself a prayer bell sew one cassock and make it a daily routine at exactly 5am be the one to always wake the girl's neighbourhood with your morning cry.

When you get to the front of her building stand for 3-5minutes and raise your voice higher, then proceed.

Continue for three weeks and watch how things unfold!

Qualification is minimum SSCE and their wedding is considerate!

N.B: No Testing... and divorce is not allowed!

No mind my English o, just let's catch fun!


Please this is not to ridicule or mock the body of Christ
celestial own kill me...lmao.

2 Likes

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by ellahzy(f): 1:32pm On Mar 13, 2015
funny compilation

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by Lyrically(m): 1:33pm On Mar 13, 2015
Eli! Eli! Samurai mee r'aye ejor pay me my mulla

1 Like

Re: How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches by fitinwell: 1:35pm On Mar 13, 2015
Got me lol...
Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all through to your boxers with demon binding perfumes!

3 Likes

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