yemi16:


My sister...i understand your thoughts...with a 6months old marriage.....you sometimes are beclouded with whether there is respect or not coz it all should be sweet lov for atleast first 1-2 yrs..

6 months is too early really, makes you wonder if the woman really loves you right? Let me be frank with you that woman is self centred and does not have any respect for you, why would she call your brother after you've made a decision.

yvelchstores:
I will not bother reading other comments as I don't want to cloud my judgement. U hv three options

1) be stern on her and make it a LAW that she shld never interfere in such matters, afterall, it's ur money.
2) hide and give ur brother whatever assistance u deem fit
3) report her to your Pastor and ask him to call her to order.

Actually, I think no 3 shld be done no matter what option u choose,

Most importantly sir, your wife is your first and most impt family as far as God is concerned, don't treat her like an outsider, ur brother has his own wife n he confides in her with tins he can never share wit u, ur wife is ur wife. Mould her to what u want. Teach her, reprimand her, discipline her(in love), u are now her father so the training continues, mould her to the woman u want.
We women secretly like it when our husbands "train" us.

All d best.

What if the woman is the type that never accepts your training and is always argumentative even when she is obviously in the wrong. Phew!!!

Atlantian:
Time for you to get a mistress outside. Person no go die cos of wife.

Maybe he already has or weighing the option, lol. But the issue is, OP is the architech of his own problem for not wiping the wife into line when such attitude first rear its ugly head. You should have nipped it in the bud. Now she is a dry fish.

Atlantian:
Time for you to get a mistress outside. Person no go die cos of wife.

I no fit shout! Hehehehe!

yemi16 . . i will tell u what my dad does when mum nags. he pulls out his phone and browser away. . if mum no stop . . he will just say ^what av u asked that i havnt done? dear take it easy or else^ he wuld muv near her threathenly and tickle her. . . and d fight is ova. moreso. . mum isnt like ur wife. im tayad of my mum dashing things out to people. she even has top communication wit dads family than her side. i agree with engaging her in church activities. plus, be firm nd soft at d xme time. theyve been married 4 22yrs.

I'm actually impressed with the quality of advice given the op[sub][/sub] by nl folks, it shows a high level of maturity

OP, I was in a relationship in the past before and we were planning to get married. The lady in question asked for my statement of accounts 3 months before wedding and also investment documents. I thought she was trying to see how financially secure we will be until she started asking questions such as:
Why are you giving your mum so much money?
What is the 5k monthly to your brother account for?
Why do you give your friend money every other month?
Innocently, i answered because i thought she should know. Her response was shocking. She told i have to stop it now before we get married so that they will not think her coming in into my life and home was the reason why these giving stopped. I was so disturbed and i really prayed because i loved her and i was confused. Eventually we still broke up over money issue before the wedding and i believed it was an answer to a prayer. I have since married and moved on.
Signs such as these are never to be ignored. You are already married now. Just be careful of how you handle this situation. I have read some wonderful pieces of advice here but please think of what is best for you. In whatever decision you take, never stopped helping your family members. Family is family. Some situation will warrant that you go back to these people and if you allow your wife to take you too far away from them, the journey will seem very long when you need to reach out to them. Time, like tide, changes. My prayer is that good times will outweigh the bad ones in our lives.
Do not apologies for doing the right thing in this regard.

pureview:


I hardly ever comment on nl but I had to do this to stop you from making a mistake.

please,please ,please , do not invite a 3rd party into your marriage. It is the first step in bringing cracks into your marriage. Your pastor at this point is a 3rd party.

This issue isn't something you can't handle. I guarantee you that you would lose some respect from your wife if you invite a 3rd party on this issue just 6 months into your marriage.

In the early stages of any r/ship or marriage , women tend to push the boundaries to know the extent of what a man can take. I believe you have been too soft on her so she now throws tantrums and acts up.

Bro , this is the time to be firm without being harsh. The ground rules you lay now will most likely guide your family from now on. It seems you are the one that always go begging when you guys fight , STOP it, it's not healthy as it can be used as a tool to manipulate you.

Ignore her for now so she would know that this issue is very important to you and hence non negotiable. when she gets tired of sulking and eventually comes around , let her know how dissapointed you are about her attitude and warn her you wouldn't want that to happen again.

This is the time to be the man, husband and leader and not outsourcing your job to your pastor.
If she is truly a decent lady , she would eventually appreciate you the more for being the man and showing leadership.

I'm not married yet but this comment will be useful for me henceforth

Am a married woman as ur wife, she is dat type dat will never share even if she has more than enough.
I will advice u seek her consent befor taking decision, with dat it makes her feel even more important dan d person u intend rendering help to. Nd if she continues in her attitude, dnt beg rather spend more time with ur family(brotheRs n other siblings) n make her understand how she has realy made u feel there is no family relationship between u both so dats y u rather hold more to dat which u already had.
I bet she will beg to av her husbnd back n also let u av ur way with ur love once.

yemi16:
I courted her for about 1yr..before we got married 6months ago..
Meanwhile while courting, she had told me she left her former relationship because the guy she dated then was like the breadwinner to his family catering for all his siblings and she felt quite uncomfortable with it....

I didnt read much to it coz in my mind it happended to my favour and i already have a well to-do siblings...as at my courtship period though...

Shortly before we got married, my elder brother who also just had a baby lost his job....and i had to support him and his family on a need basis especially with their little cute baby boy growing but i noticed my my then fiancee didnt just like it at all....

After we got married....i got a great job with this good pay and was very comfortable....meanwhile my brother search for job was to no avail....and his wife was on maternity leave.

To cut long story short, each time my brother comes to me for help....and i send him money, my wife complains that i larvish my money on my brother...that he should go and get a job and not rely on me always...we would quarrel seriously for days/weeks before time eventually settles things...

Just last few days ago....we were relocating to a new area within town and i called my brother to pick up a few stuffs (electronics, household items) i know i wouldnt or i planned replacing with a new one......He came and picked them up as i had informed him....After he left, my wife let hell loose....she went completely mad and we had a big quareel...she even called my brother to return a few stuffs he took even when i already bought the replacements...

I am used to going back to her to apologize just to let peace reign ...but this time i have had it upto my neck..!!!!...
I dont intend apologizing one bit as i am sure i did her no wrong......

Now i am thinking deeply.....did i really overlooked the signs...?...did i really marry the wrong lady??....

Please i need your advise on how best to manage this...

Admin..pls help to update this on fp..i really need lots of advice at the moment.

Thanks.

My own humble advice here is that u need not let her know whenever u want to assist anyone financially.

yemi16:


Yea she's got 3 sibling...all younger ones and i do my best to make them happy when i can...she cares for them also as every normal sister would..

If that's the case then OP you're at the wrong spot, if she can quit her former relationship because the guy is the breadwinner of the family then probably you are her maga & she's also the breadwinner of her own family. Perhaps you are her family's bank

yemi16:
I courted her for about 1yr..before we got married 6months ago..
Meanwhile while courting, she had told me she left her former relationship because the guy she dated then was like the breadwinner to his family catering for all his siblings and she felt quite uncomfortable with it....

I didnt read much to it coz in my mind it happended to my favour and i already have a well to-do siblings...as at my courtship period though...

Shortly before we got married, my elder brother who also just had a baby lost his job....and i had to support him and his family on a need basis especially with their little cute baby boy growing but i noticed my my then fiancee didnt just like it at all....

After we got married....i got a great job with this good pay and was very comfortable....meanwhile my brother search for job was to no avail....and his wife was on maternity leave.

To cut long story short, each time my brother comes to me for help....and i send him money, my wife complains that i larvish my money on my brother...that he should go and get a job and not rely on me always...we would quarrel seriously for days/weeks before time eventually settles things...

Just last few days ago....we were relocating to a new area within town and i called my brother to pick up a few stuffs (electronics, household items) i know i wouldnt or i planned replacing with a new one......He came and picked them up as i had informed him....After he left, my wife let hell loose....she went completely mad and we had a big quareel...she even called my brother to return a few stuffs he took even when i already bought the replacements...

I am used to going back to her to apologize just to let peace reign ...but this time i have had it upto my neck..!!!!...
I dont intend apologizing one bit as i am sure i did her no wrong......

Now i am thinking deeply.....did i really overlooked the signs...?...did i really marry the wrong lady??....

Please i need your advise on how best to manage this...

Admin..pls help to update this on fp..i really need lots of advice at the moment.

Thanks.

To be candid.. I believe u did.

Woman wey I no know as long as I know my brother go come dey vex for me on top say I dey help brother wey I know before am...!?

On top things wey I use my hard earned money buy, wey I come use my hard earned thinking decide to give my blood the items... Make the woman come dey shout on top my head on top things wey I buy with my own money again.!?

Mehn! That babe papa house don dey call am be that....

Cos that kind woman would never complain whenever u are helping her own family buh once u switch to your own na big gbege...

I once had a babe that told me that when we marry, my mama no go fit come stay my house buh her own mama has every right to stay...

That day that day I demote her status from babe to friend with benefits without her knowing cos na so their kolo dey start..

The audacity of ladies these days....

I am sure the signs of this character of hers were there whilst u were courting and were very visible plus audible to u buh u allow ur weapon and that idealistic concept called love to cloud ur judgement....

U can assist your family without her knowing. But know from today that you should give out physical items used in the house without your wife's knowledge.

yemi16:


Yea..that is the only problem i have with her...but its a big one for me and i dont see myself not thinking/talking about it...i want a united and peaceful extended family...thanks for the advice though!

Do not let your left hand know what you are doing to the right hand. Many people believed their spouse must know everything about the way they help others financially. But to keep your home, NEVER LET THAT WOMAN know about you help others financially again. Pray that she outgrow her selfishness.
Who told you that there ain't things that you NEED to change with love and knowledge in her?

Dont stop assisting your siblings. Most of these poor girls cum wives are family breakers.

michlan:


Can you get this book "No more two" by Gbile Akanni. I'm sure it will answer a lot of questions.

I love that book! I misplaced mine

It's called poverty mentality...the fear that other people's success somehow diminishes your own...coupled with kleptomania...irrational hoarding caused as a result of a subconscious fear of poverty...youb see it everyday in our daily lives...a lot of people don't even realize that they have these disorders...try reassure your wife that she won't go hungry and that your brother's well being might be to her good one of these days

ammyluv2002:
Yemi16, i get your point. I know, we(women) can be annoying sometimes. I'm not in support of the way she goes about it, she shouldn't stop you from helping your blood, but there are few things ,i would want you to know;

1) The first five years of marriage is usually very difficult. This period, a lot of things happen and if you guys aren't careful, those stuffs can lead to divorce.

2) I think, you guys lack serious communication. why would you decide to give out those old electronics to your brother without communicating with your wife? I mean, who wouldn't panic? if you had communicated with her then this wouldn't have happened. In marriage, decision taking should come from both parties. don't play "the man" card in your home. Seriously, i think you owe her an apology for not telling her of your plans. Its a simple logic, it should have been like this "Dear, since we are moving, i think it would make sense if we get new set of electronics so i can give the old ones to bros" This is understandable! No woman will say no to this, we love new things.

In order for peace to reign let her know, you re sorry! then make it clear that you will continue to help your brother till he gets a job. She's your wife and i think, you owe her that explanation. Don't assume she understands, carry her along. Act like you really need her opinion.

What are you talking about? He should apologise, hahaha you are funny o.

Thank you Op for bringing this topic; i also have a lady i am currently dating that is exhibiting this trait. Ladies like that want to be controlling husband`s life, she would soon create a wall between you and everybody if you don`t fight it now.

I think i have to drop her sharp sharp before she destroys all my relationship with people.

yemi16:

hmmmm.....sounds like a good one there.....i 'll surely give it a though....thanks...
It's just sad i ll have to start keeping things away from her this early into my marriage.....so sad!!

Pls do. it would save soo many things. Your marriage and the relationship with your brother. but don't let your brother know your wife isn't pleased with you helping him o.

yemi16:


thanks for the advice, if you read my story well...i 'd mention that i already bought replacements for the items i didnt intend taking out. Its only common sense that if i already pre-informed her about it....even before buying a new one...By the way...its my house, my property...my money....and my elder brother we talking about here....
If she calls her sis to pick things without informing me and i find out....i dont even think i 'd be angry...coz it her SISTER...!!...as long as i know we dont neeed the item or there is a replacement for the item.

thanks anyway!

The day you married her it became yours and hers sha.

yemi16:
I courted her for about 1yr..before we got married 6months ago..
Meanwhile while courting, she had told me she left her former relationship because the guy she dated then was like the breadwinner to his family catering for all his siblings and she felt quite uncomfortable with it....

I didnt read much to it coz in my mind it happended to my favour and i already have a well to-do siblings...as at my courtship period though...

Shortly before we got married, my elder brother who also just had a baby lost his job....and i had to support him and his family on a need basis especially with their little cute baby boy growing but i noticed my my then fiancee didnt just like it at all....

After we got married....i got a great job with this good pay and was very comfortable....meanwhile my brother search for job was to no avail....and his wife was on maternity leave.

To cut long story short, each time my brother comes to me for help....and i send him money, my wife complains that i larvish my money on my brother...that he should go and get a job and not rely on me always...we would quarrel seriously for days/weeks before time eventually settles things...

Just last few days ago....we were relocating to a new area within town and i called my brother to pick up a few stuffs (electronics, household items) i know i wouldnt or i planned replacing with a new one......He came and picked them up as i had informed him....After he left, my wife let hell loose....she went completely mad and we had a big quareel...she even called my brother to return a few stuffs he took even when i already bought the replacements...

I am used to going back to her to apologize just to let peace reign ...but this time i have had it upto my neck..!!!!...
I dont intend apologizing one bit as i am sure i did her no wrong......

Now i am thinking deeply.....did i really overlooked the signs...?...did i really marry the wrong lady??....

Please i need your advise on how best to manage this...

Admin..pls help to update this on fp..i really need lots of advice at the moment.

Thanks.

The only problem I can see here is that she is selfish, she allows u take care of her own siblings and go against when u do same to yours. Again you are paying so much attention to this attitude of hers you either ignore her or you need to point out to her that it is a selfish attitude if she does not see anything wrong when you care for her siblings while she gets upset when you assist your brother. again marriage is not always a "bed of roses" so you need to learn to tolerate and manage a lot of things as you journey in path of marriage.

freecocoa:
What are you talking about? He should apologise, hahaha you are funny o.

Yes! He can't take such decision without telling her. How would you feel if you're the one? lets be honest

freecocoa:
OP as long as you aren't neglecting your own immediate family then I'm afraid you married the wrong woman like you put it.

I honestly don't understand women who have a thing against their men helping his family, his family fa.

The nerves, she even called your brother to bring back some stuffs, OP e be like say your wife no get respect for you o.

Period! No single respect! See finish to the core! Imagine calling the elder bro to return stuff. I wonder the way he felt knowing the ego of men. Poverty is a bastard! May we never see penury!

To OP you're losing control of your home. Get back the reins before it's too late!

yemi16:
I courted her for about 1yr..before we got married 6months ago..
Meanwhile while courting, she had told me she left her former relationship because the guy she dated then was like the breadwinner to his family catering for all his siblings and she felt quite uncomfortable with it....

I didnt read much to it coz in my mind it happended to my favour and i already have a well to-do siblings...as at my courtship period though...

Shortly before we got married, my elder brother who also just had a baby lost his job....and i had to support him and his family on a need basis especially with their little cute baby boy growing but i noticed my my then fiancee didnt just like it at all....

After we got married....i got a great job with this good pay and was very comfortable....meanwhile my brother search for job was to no avail....and his wife was on maternity leave.

To cut long story short, each time my brother comes to me for help....and i send him money, my wife complains that i larvish my money on my brother...that he should go and get a job and not rely on me always...we would quarrel seriously for days/weeks before time eventually settles things...

Just last few days ago....we were relocating to a new area within town and i called my brother to pick up a few stuffs (electronics, household items) i know i wouldnt or i planned replacing with a new one......He came and picked them up as i had informed him....After he left, my wife let hell loose....she went completely mad and we had a big quareel...she even called my brother to return a few stuffs he took even when i already bought the replacements...

I am used to going back to her to apologize just to let peace reign ...but this time i have had it upto my neck..!!!!...
I dont intend apologizing one bit as i am sure i did her no wrong......

Now i am thinking deeply.....did i really overlooked the signs...?...did i really marry the wrong lady??....

Please i need your advise on how best to manage this...

Admin..pls help to update this on fp..i really need lots of advice at the moment.

Thanks.

If your wife kicks against you helping your own family, what would she do if you extends helping hands to non-family?
She even went ahead to call your brother to return the things you gave him. Hian! She certainly has no regard for your family.
Op, don't let your wife stand between you and your siblings because they have been in the picture even before your wife came along.
Let her understand that no one is indispensable!
She certainly doesn't understand how life works.

Bro,blood is thicker than water and also family is very important. So my advise is this, stop discussing ur bro wth ur wife and also dont let ur bro know ur wife's reaction wheneva u helps out.
Just help ur bro behind her back because nobody knows tomorrow.

ammyluv2002:
Yemi16, i get your point. I know, we(women) can be annoying sometimes. I'm not in support of the way she goes about it, she shouldn't stop you from helping your blood, but there are few things ,i would want you to know;

1) The first five years of marriage is usually very difficult. This period, a lot of things happen and if you guys aren't careful, those stuffs can lead to divorce.

2) I think, you guys lack serious communication. why would you decide to give out those old electronics to your brother without communicating with your wife? I mean, who wouldn't panic? if you had communicated with her then this wouldn't have happened. In marriage, decision taking should come from both parties. don't play "the man" card in your home. Seriously, i think you owe her an apology for not telling her of your plans. Its a simple logic, it should have been like this "Dear, since we are moving, i think it would make sense if we get new set of electronics so i can give the old ones to bros" This is understandable! No woman will say no to this, we love new things.

In order for peace to reign let her know, you re sorry! then make it clear that you will continue to help your brother till he gets a job. She's your wife and i think, you owe her that explanation. Don't assume she understands, carry her along. Act like you really need her opinion.

Did you read the write up. " just last few days ago....we were relocating to a new area within town and i called my brother to pick up a few stuffs (electronics, household items) i know i wouldn't or i planned replacing with a new one......He came and picked them up as i had informed him....After he left, my wife let hell loose....she went completely mad and we had a big quarrel...she even called my brother to return a few stuffs he took even when i already bought the replacements... please note that this is not the first time. " each time my brother comes to me for help....and i send him money, my wife complains that i lavish my money on my brother...that he should go and get a job and not rely on me always...we would quarrel seriously for days/weeks before time eventually settles things..." OP, please do not apologies like i said earlier. you are doing the right thing. Be careful though. I don't want Ibadan lawyer story on any nLder oh. It is well.

Bro, to solve this, always make your dealings with ur siblings and other family members discreet , she has the gut to complain because she knows, if she does not , what will she complain about

It's simple; sit her down & let her know that before you met her you already had siblings who have contributed immensely one way or the other to what you are now& you owe them your assistance when necessary. 'Life is a stage'

Yemi16,
Err... well you're married now innit? I will advise that you pre-inform and carry her along before you take such decisions.
Infact, for Warri dem say na meat thief dem dey give pot of soup to guard. Put the decision in her hands of how much you should give your brother/family then as you give them just cut small thing give am too that very moment, she go dey calm down.
She will also be more comfortable if you're not neglecting her and the kind of investments she suggests to you.

If this one no work then ignore her. Just bone her, verbally, sexually and no chop her food for some time.

Those 3 things solves my own problems.

Looool....

Recherche:


He said he replaced those with new ones, what else does she want, come on.

He can give his brother money be it in the open or wherever, and so what.They are brothers for crying out loud. He should be able to help his family without feeling restricted by whoever.

She should respect herself please.

My immediate elder brother helped our big brother to pay his children's tuition fees, till he got his feet back on the ground and no one complained and now he is so successful.

No condition is permanent, she needs to stop fussing over unnecessary issue and focus more on enjoying her marriage. Haba

I absolutely agree with you on this....I am not even helping my brother because of the unknown future or because he is my brother...i am helping him because he deserves to be helped....
I sincerely am still in shock why this should be a problem for anyone....let alone my wife....