yemi16:
I courted her for about 1yr..before we got married 6months ago..
Meanwhile while courting, she had told me she left her former relationship because the guy she dated then was like the breadwinner to his family catering for all his siblings and she felt quite uncomfortable with it....

I didnt read much to it coz in my mind it happended to my favour and i already have a well to-do siblings...as at my courtship period though...

Shortly before we got married, my elder brother who also just had a baby lost his job....and i had to support him and his family on a need basis especially with their little cute baby boy growing but i noticed my my then fiancee didnt just like it at all....

After we got married....i got a great job with this good pay and was very comfortable....meanwhile my brother search for job was to no avail....and his wife was on maternity leave.

To cut long story short, each time my brother comes to me for help....and i send him money, my wife complains that i larvish my money on my brother...that he should go and get a job and not rely on me always...we would quarrel seriously for days/weeks before time eventually settles things...

Just last few days ago....we were relocating to a new area within town and i called my brother to pick up a few stuffs (electronics, household items) i know i wouldnt or i planned replacing with a new one......He came and picked them up as i had informed him....After he left, my wife let hell loose....she went completely mad and we had a big quareel...she even called my brother to return a few stuffs he took even when i already bought the replacements...

I am used to going back to her to apologize just to let peace reign ...but this time i have had it upto my neck..!!!!...
I dont intend apologizing one bit as i am sure i did her no wrong......

Now i am thinking deeply.....did i really overlooked the signs...?...did i really marry the wrong lady??....

Please i need your advise on how best to manage this...

Admin..pls help to update this on fp..i really need lots of advice at the moment.

Thanks.

for now help yur brother wiout informing her and temporarily stop talking about your family to her. Try pretending wen u get home ,be cold wid her,if possible sef dnt eat her food for that night only(this method drives women crazy),we dnt like it wen our food is nt been eaten.if she asks u wat is wrong,say nothing,jes be quiet and do your own thing for like 2 days,den on the 3rd day cme home very happy,buy wat she likes best nd pamper her,den wen shez relaxed,tell her u both need to talk,just tell her how much you love her and all dose sweet things,den ask her y she flares up wen u help ur broda,listen to her reason and wen shez done,let her know that no mata wat u do for ur broda,dt it will never affect hers,if possible sef,cook up a story of ao ur broda paid ur fees in the uni. Do show emotions,let her know ao much her attitude is hurting you . we also like to see our men show dier pains,if shez a sensitive person with the heart of a human,she wuld stop afta dis...

@op , be very careful , your wife can kill u, I deg read nairaland news everyday, so I fear pass hell, today u go hear wife kill husband, tomorrow husband kill wife, na ur kind of case dey cos am, be wise and be vigilant,never put ur brother for one side, remember say na una play, eat ,drink 3top juice wen Ana small,

OP, you have married a stingy and non deep thinking wife, this wife will turn all your family members away from you. It is a pity that most of our wives have the character in them, only few are excluded.

Now, I would advice you stop informing your wife of any help you want to do to for your family members, let her not be aware.

I once had a sister inlaw like this, it was when that my brother ran into problem that all is money went away, then she learnt her lesson.

Just keep praying for her, I know GOd will take away this bad character from her

ammyluv2002:
Yes! He can't take such decision without telling her. How would you feel if you're the one? lets be honest

We don't know that he didn't tell her but in all honesty, if I was the one, who came home to a new set of electronics, I would be more concerned with asking, why do we need new ones? How much do they cost? I hope buying this won't affect anything? Where are the old ones? If he says he gave it to his brother, I'll say "okay" and after making sure we are good to go with the change, I'll be excited to check out the awesome features on our new toys.

if that's all, be a little bit secretive about the way you handle extended family issues. from a point, she is telling you to think first about your nuclear family. whenever any member of your extended family needs financial assistance, ask them to send their account details to you, transfer the money and change your bank alert from sms to email.

That way she doesn't become aware and you have fulfilled your hearts desire. I hope this helps bro.
always help coz life is rotatary

yemi16:


lol...@ ..you saw the hand writtings on the wall but you foolishly ignored it sir,you were supposed to dig into that one area critically and get it solved, but you no allow toto give you sense.....
My brother...thanks for the advice...i am a christian...sunday sunday type though....i luv ur advice...and i think lots of pple have actually said the same thing.....

Admire her good xters, treat her family well and keep showing then support and care..continue to help my own family too without her knowing...atleast until she changes.....and also..Get involved with church activities...(this will be hard small...)

thanks....

Bro happy ure a Christian and so am I bt I personally wud not marry such a lady, never ever cos I can't stand selfish people. However seems she has sm good qualities that probably made u over look all dat and still married her. I hope she has common sense to realize wen she's wrong and change. If she can turn to a nagging wife.

I personally hate arguements in rlsnhp and yet like to be open and not have to hide wot ure doing for ur folks and dat seems to be very important to. It will take a lot for her to change bt try to avoid d arguements and reorientate her somehow. If she loves u she will understand. On d flip side she maybe trying to protect u maybe she seen sibblings take undue advantage of such situation and run their brothers/sisters broke due to their own selfishness. So at the end of the day u just have to apply balance to the situation. It is well. Cheers.

freecocoa:
I see some people telling the OP to hide what he does for his family from his wife, for blawdy fucking what? Tah!


OP no vex o but your wife should go to hell(yes the matter is vexing me)

You don't have to tell her, since she obviously doesn't care for them but I'll say, don't hide that you are helping them from her, this is your family we are talking about, she needs to get with the program, rubbish!

The thunder that will fire anyone who suggests I'm doing too much for my family is unheard of.

Imagine folks advising him to play Nicodemus in his own house with his own finances. Where do y'all get off proferring such ludicrous advice.

How can he hide what he's doing for his family? Is he afraid of a wife he married? Who's now the head of the home?

The OP without meaning to be rude seem to be a man that vacillates a lot, a very dangerous trait in all endeavours of life. He doesn't seem to be able to lead with wisdom. Trouble brewing ahead, major one too!

yemi16:

hmmmm.....sounds like a good one there.....i 'll surely give it a though....thanks...
It's just sad i ll have to start keeping things away from her this early into my marriage.....so sad!!

That was my first thought when I read this. Not every information needs to be shared. That is where wisdom comes in to play. We all learn everyday and get wiser. All the best.

yemi16:

Thanks...really appreciate this one...i only pray for perseverance...

Hmmmm, let me add a little thing here.

Others have equally spoken well. You see your marriage is still very young, you must bend the hot iron before it is cold. I have married for about seven years now, I think I have a little experience about marriage. Woman is like a child, let her know where you stand at this earlier stage, so that she will get used to it.

It works for me perfectly. Alots of folks allow all these so called yeye love to destroyed their marriage, at the end of the day it is either she kill you or you kill her. When
You re heart get full of wrath you can do anything. How long will you continue to nurse it

I think you should correct it now, the better for you. One day she will stop you from helping your mother, until it will get to a stage where she will start fighting her, that is if your mother is still alive.

Infact my wife takes care of my parents more than I.

This very singular act of hers, has destroyed the good ones, that is if their any.
Enough said.

Get her to read people's comment about her. Everyone can't be wrong but her likes may end up clinging to one post that supports her

Acidosis:


You need to see a psychologist.

I arest my case.

Bros you didnt marry the wrong lady.
1. Marraige is about 2 becomin 1.
2. You both need to communicate and agree
3. You made her say I do/yes, then sit her down n make her understand your actions to your bruv
4. If after serious discussion she does not see reason with you dont take the action.
5. A happy and peaceful marriage is proceless.
6. Must your brother come to your house to collect money?
7. Make your wife see reason if she is adamant there are several other ways of helping your family.

4C2215131:


Imagine folks advising him to play Nicodemus in his own house with his own finances. Where do y'all get off proferring such ludicrous advice.

How can he hide what he's doing for his family? Is he afraid of a wife he married? Who's now the head of the home?

The OP without meaning to be rude seem to be a man that vacillates a lot, a very dangerous trait in all endeavours of life. He doesn't seem to be able to lead with wisdom. Trouble brewing ahead, major one too!

I tire o.

Without even making the issue about it being his house or money cos to be frank, they are married so it's pretty much two in one things,, it's about being a decent human being first, I mean what kind of a person has an issue with helping others, talk more of family?

xtervaganza:
I'm seeing far too many stoopid advisers here and it upsets me deeply.



Why would you hide your intention of helping your bro from your wife? Why? Is it because you fear her or respect her?


If you fear your wife then you're a big old fool (sorry to say) and you're a poocee too.


If you claim to respect her by not telling her b4 you help your fam then you're stoopid again and it means she does not respect you in any way.


When you get home today, sit her down and tell her you'll continue to help your brother for as long as possible and let it be the last time she will be angry at you helping your family.



Let her know she will see hell the next she queries your good deed

Finito! A woman needs a MAN not a woman ( dykes exempted of course), she needs a PROVIDER, a PROTECTOR, a FIGHTER, a LEADER, a MENTOR, a GUIDE, a LOVER and most of all a GOOD MAN.

You can be all these without being a tyrant, a dictator or a pussy that giees about pussy-footing about this issue like you (OP) are doing now. Wake up!

Anyone that will not allow you to help other will end up destroying your life , GOD will keep helping you if keeping others , the day you stop GOD may also stop . Unknow to her she is sowing a seed that will afftect her own children too . You need to take your stand , stop telling her you help people ,you are your family member must be very careful with her . Young men and women open your eye and hear in courtship .

This is the game: Continue to help ur bro without her knowledge. Stop givin to her family and whenever she ask you why u v not been seein her family (finacially), tell her that she has killed the good samaritan in you. That you have decided not to help anyone again, her family or urs.

Poverty mentality is worrying your wife.

Sorry.

yemi16:
I courted her for about 1yr..before we got married 6months ago..
Meanwhile while courting, she had told me she left her former relationship because the guy she dated then was like the breadwinner to his family catering for all his siblings and she felt quite uncomfortable with it....

I didnt read much to it coz in my mind it happended to my favour and i already have a well to-do siblings...as at my courtship period though...

Shortly before we got married, my elder brother who also just had a baby lost his job....and i had to support him and his family on a need basis especially with their little cute baby boy growing but i noticed my my then fiancee didnt just like it at all....

After we got married....i got a great job with this good pay and was very comfortable....meanwhile my brother search for job was to no avail....and his wife was on maternity leave.

To cut long story short, each time my brother comes to me for help....and i send him money, my wife complains that i larvish my money on my brother...that he should go and get a job and not rely on me always...we would quarrel seriously for days/weeks before time eventually settles things...

Just last few days ago....we were relocating to a new area within town and i called my brother to pick up a few stuffs (electronics, household items) i know i wouldnt or i planned replacing with a new one......He came and picked them up as i had informed him....After he left, my wife let hell loose....she went completely mad and we had a big quareel...she even called my brother to return a few stuffs he took even when i already bought the replacements...

I am used to going back to her to apologize just to let peace reign ...but this time i have had it upto my neck..!!!!...
I dont intend apologizing one bit as i am sure i did her no wrong......

Now i am thinking deeply.....did i really overlooked the signs...?...did i really marry the wrong lady??....

Please i need your advise on how best to manage this...

Admin..pls help to update this on fp..i really need lots of advice at the moment.

Thanks.

if my g.f doesnt prompt me to assist my family members even when im forgetting, I won't marry her. I have an uncle today who is a head of engineering in shoemaker. none of our family members got a job in shoemaker. but almost all his wife's people see shoemaker as a family business. anyone graduating from her family has an almost automatic employment in shoemaker. and guess the irony of it all; my dad saw him through university when their parents divorced and their dad died. God saved me. I am working in a company my school friend assisted me to get into. otherwise im wondering how I would feel today. if I see members of his family in the future, I will not assist them where I can. bad wives ruin family relationships for generations. Note; I used the word shoemaker to replace a multinational company's name in lagos incase he is on nairaland so he or anyone doesnt identify this comment as mine.

Ghost447:
No, not always.

Last time I checked, Divorce was still an entry in the English dictionary, hell, in all dictionaries!

naturally my brother, women were meant to know little and not all. dt goes wit, when a man has d hrt to help n d wife doesn't. it is for no rson dan to avoid unhappy home issues.
but when d woman/wife loves to help to, den she can know all from d man.

ur woman may not have seen it dt way but u can help her by changing her starting from praying for her without her knowledge. u can buy a movie which will show dt people don't alwz be as dey were forever, u can write a scriptural verses abt d benefit behind helpn people n place it in on d chicken or bedroom door.

if u are gud at telling stories, u can tell her story of many help u hv received dt brot u to this point n d ones u still pray to get from people to d peak of ur careers.

also u need to know if she is d kind dt help ha peeps or dt way to ur peeps alone or maybe dt is ha nature.

remember, it is ur duty to change her into what u want her to be, not by violence or pelting insult at her.

and u need to invited God into d situation bfor talkn any step at all. Jesus was on a boat when there was astorm until he was invited bfor d storm cease.

for the main time, anyone u wish to help or anybody not related to even, u have to do it BTW u, d pson n God not into fourth pson ur wife.

ur wife is d more favour u hv found from God, teach her, change her for good so dt she can say to ur children, I was once lost but ur daddy found me.

many are lost in attitude, character, truth, disciples etc.

I pray and decree God reign in ur home. I don't know u but I owned u pray unto ur home. married , fmly are d best tin if peace abound.

yemi16:


I might be soft but really i cant help it....its just 6months into our marriage, its not so easy to go real hard so early....
thanks anyway for the advice.

if u don't go hard on her now then when are u gonna do it ? simple wisdom says we mould clay to the shape we want while it is still soft. we cast iron to the way we want it while it is still HOT.. brother i think she is the one doing the moulding and shaping for u in this case and if u don't take charge right now,, she will shape and mould u till u gradually remove everyone in your family and friends from your list. she will mould you to the point where you will only help and give to those who she wants, in the way she wants it. God forbid such controlling spirit in my life.

if my woman is so myopic to the fact that anybody can need help from anybody, and family is the first port of call when trouble comes, and she ever dares to express anger or call my brother names cos I help him, then she will never get a wedding ring from me. I can give my brother a million naira if I think he needs it and i know it will not damage my family. e no concern any woman even my wife.

and u better stop telling her everything u want to do with money if you don't want to die early. abi she no get work?

does she have a job ? or her job is to look good and count your money for you.

Saraha1:
To avoid problem in your marriage, stop telling your wife things relating to your brother.Be more secretive when you intend to help your relative.

Beauty with Brains

I love ur advice, dats my kind of lady

Acidosis:

I was raised in a peaceful nuclear family so I understand the meaning of marriage. OP married the wrong person, he ignored the warning signs. Its as simple as ABC.

Did you read where the wife finds it easy to help her OWN sisters, but the sight of her husband assisting her brother in law drives her craz.y?

Your anti-men principles should not becloud your ability to rationally analyse issues.

Saying "this is not a big deal" is not proper please. How did you arrive at "she loves hanging on old stuffs"? Is the property hers? The marriage is barely 1 year, what is she hanging on please? What is old about an electronic she didn't buy with her money?

@OP, Please put that woman in her place. Such a woman does not deserve to know how, where and when you spend your hard earned money. It is your money, your property and how you use it on your brother is not her business.

If you ignore your brother, trust me another helper will locate him but one thing is certain: NOTHING is PERMANENT.

I think I need your account number for this comment you have said it all.

Ganoderma:


If you do not take your stand now she will begin to assume you are weak and trust me you will have more troubles. Shebi na 6 month you don spend. Imagine what 1 year will bring. 2 years. 5 years. If you don't die 10 years.

Sit her down and tell it to her straight. You married her because you loved her and wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. But that does not mean she is the only person you are responsible for. Tell her that if she wants you to stop helping your family members then she must do the same too. She must never send any money or help to her family members otherwise she would only be a hypocrite. Tell her that very firmly. Let her understand that the topic is not up for argument. If she has any sense of moral righteousness she will go silent. And the matter ends there.

Period.

Thanks....very well noted!!

Saraha1:
To avoid problem in your marriage, stop telling your wife things relating to your brother.Be more secretive when you intend to help your relative.

Beauty with Brains

I love ur advice, u re d kind of lady I like

freecocoa:
I tire o.

Without even making the issue about it being his house or money cos to be frank, they are married so it's pretty much two in one things,, it's about being a decent human being first, I mean what kind of a person has an issue with helping others, talk more of family?

The extreme naivety of the OP and nature of the post forced me to use the clichéd "my house, my money" comeback. I wanted to jolt him to his 'senses' (OP please don't be offended by my stabs at your person, just trying to provoke you to 'righteous anger').

I do realise that a marriage is a symbiosis. That said, the advice I see here tells me one thing; a lot of folks are suffering and dying in silence in supposed state of marital bliss, lying to the world that all is honky-dory while beating their head against a wall for the chaps and crying their pillows wet for the ladies. Such a shame!

It's all your fault. Must you allow her know if you send or give your bro stuffs ?

Deyoungprince:
Bro,blood is thicker than water and also family is very important. So my advise is this, stop discussing ur bro wth ur wife and also dont let ur bro know ur wife's reaction wheneva u helps out.
Just help ur bro behind her back because nobody knows tomorrow.

good point

God in his wisdom did well for not giving horns to dogs.Imagine dog with horn,that would have been disaster because he barks,bites and horn,your guess is as good as mine.If your wife have the authority to distribute breadth, then many of us would have been long gone to our grave.She should be careful because she does not know what tomorrow will be.Talk sense into her that you could be the one that your brother's condition tomorrow

dotune:


Gbam!!

A wise woman does not even try to come in between blood brothers. Infact she should be the one complaining that u are not doing enough for ur brother.

Let me tell u something today, if u think the reason u got a better job is for u and ur family alone then u don't know anything. most times, God factors other people into ur blessings and that's why he opens way for one. So that through you, the blessings can spread to others. And mind u, ur brother's situation will not continue like that. So whatever u do now is what people will remember you for.
Scripture says don't be weary of doing good, for in due time, u will be rewarded.

My brother, women wey dey stab their husband, an like this we dey sabi them ooo

hhhmmmmmm...@ you last sentence..

mutiply:
I don't understand why you will want to help your brother and your wife will let hell loose. I think you are soft on her, you need to tell her you are the man of the house. If you have more than enough, please do assist him cause you never can tell how your tomorrow will be.

Well said,i think OP is unusually soft on her.
Except you are depriving your own family I don't see why she should have a problem with you helping your brother or any one financially.
If that's the only problem you have with her then it's not enough to conclude that you married the wrong person...I think you are the problem here,im wondering what right she has to even call your brother and ask him to return the things you gave him,thats very disrespectful and if you don't handle this right she will do the same to all your family members including your parents.
Its ok to apologies for the sake of peace like you said,but help her understand that anyone can be in a bad situation like your brother including her brothers,sisters even her parents,she also can be in such difficult situation and will need help...if the world turns there back on her when she needs help then how will she survive?