Eketem:


This is actually worse than physical violence, the only reason they didn't beat him is because they are physically unable.

This is the worst form of violence. Next time a woman is physically abused please advise her to " handle it herself "

byvan03:




You are comparing outright physical violence with this? Enjoy your argument alone.

byvan03:



I don't understand your sentiments, isn't the woman supposed to handle it herself? Who will handle it for her? Her parents, in laws or siblings? Adults should learn to mop their own mess. You take a decision and not whine to all and sundry over challenges.

DevGuru:
NOTICE: Please, my story is still very long despite that I tried very hard to remove some unnecessary portions. But if you can be patient to read it to the end, then you are ready to give a mature opinion.

tearoses:
Op I can’t Imagine the pain and betrayal you are going through
It hurts even more that it’s your wife that has betrayed you more than even her sisters.
The closer someone is to you, the more the degree of hurt you feel.

Everyone is at liberty to give advice to their sister; good or bad, and it’s up to the person being advised to use their sense and pick through the advise, however unfortunately their bad advise is already rubbing off on your wife and has started manifesting in your family, hence the drama of the tearing of singlet etc.

Yours sounds like a young marriage and if you are not careful, this will be an ongoing issue and you will never have peace in your home as it will be many people running the show, so you need to re assert your position ASAP and let the outsiders know that there is a drawn line that needs to be respected.

I suggest that you go for the lesser of 2 evils, so do let the family know what has transpired and then you can rebuild the bridges.

You may not need to play the recordings. Just let them know that you are aware of some discussions that have transpired. The guilty parties will know what you are referring to. If they feign ignorance or deny then you can play it to them.

When they know that you are not having it, then everyone will learn to respect themselves. It won’t be an easy ride, but you not doing anything or pushing things under the carpet will only make you very resentful and bitter and the negative behaviour and interference by your wife’s family will only get worse.

A trial separation may reset things and give everyone an opportunity to reflect and think about what has happened and to behave themselves moving forward. Make sure their husbands are also aware of what has happened so they can remind their wives to respect and behave themselves, but that is up to you. If your wife has only just started this, and she is truly sorry, then a warning may be enough. Your wife also needs to know that you are a team and if anything is bothering her, its you she needs to come to. You too also need to be available.

A lesson to everyone, Marriage is not all about “I love you” alone.
Look very well into the family that you are marrying into. The kind of advice that those sisters are giving cannot be from someone enjoying or who has regard for marriage. You can only spit out what you have inside of you. Why would anyone with a solid marriage be advising someone else to be putting money to one side unless of cause there was good enough reason?

So Ladies and gentlemen look very well into the background of the family that you are going to be linked to for many years before you leap.

TV01 pls advise a brother

tearoses:

Byvan I mostly agree with you but on this one I don't
If she were living in the US or UK and instead of calling her sisters and parents had called the cops, That man may never get a job again (number one)
If and when she divorces him, it will be used against him when it comes to a custody battle
He may loose his house cos when she wins the custody battle, the house will come with it.....where else will the kids live she will lament to the judge
He will have a criminal record and he can never hold a public service position so scrap school governor, MP or magistrate
Infact he is finished.
He is at risk by her actions
Many men have been "finished" due to false allegations of abuse.
His family have a right to know
If he was my blood brother, I would like to know
If he was my son I would like to know
They started it.....Let them deal with it.

Timbuktou:


Uh oh. Badass Byvan's got her guns out blazing. Saying you sounded daft was just a harmless, yet astute observation. No need to get emotional and overly defensive

Eketem:


A wife should handle physical violence herself and not report it. Heheheehe okay noted for future reference

byvan03:





You are the only daft person you know, deal with your bane and don't rope me in . The only emotions going haywire is yours and I don't need to defend myself against you, just a little crush and you did be all splattered underneath my tims.

tearoses:


Byvan I mostly agree with you but on this one I don't
If she were living in the US or UK and instead of calling her sisters and parents had called the cops, That man may never get a job again (number one)
If and when she divorces him, it will be used against him when it comes to a custody battle
He may loose his house cos when she wins the custody battle, the house will come with it.....where else will the kids live? is what she will lament to the judge
He will have a criminal record and he can never hold a public service position so scrap school governor, MP or magistrate
Infact he is finished.
He is at risk by her actions
Many men have been "finished" due to false allegations of abuse.

His family have a right to know
If he was my blood brother, I would like to know
If he was my son I would like to know
I didn't bring my son up to be a wife beater, so you can imagine how disappointed the parents must feel knowing that their son allegedly beat up his wife only to find out that it wasn't true.
If God forbid my DIL comes to tell me that my son beat her up, I will be devastated.
They started it.....Let them deal with it.

TV01:

DG Bro' how far? I can only begin to imagine the kind of turmoil you are in. It's betrayal by any name - and by the one you trusted in most implicitly. It is well. First compose yourself, and be mindful of how you engage your wife until you take action. My thoughts; As a Christian, I do not believe divorce is ever warranted, so I will share with you out of that worldview. Taking your report as read...

There is something I personally term "marital goodwill". It builds up after a couple have journeyed together. Have found inspiration, encouragement, and intimacy in one another. When they have been there for one another, and through together. After such, divorce is never the simple clean-cut option it may appear to be, even without it, it's not

This woman was there with you through trying times and you have both endured and prospered together. Seek restoration. Truth is, women are all "much of a muchness".

First, obtain a secure copy of the recordings. Then discuss with your dad (and possibly your mum if you feel it appropriate). You then call a meeting with you, your dad (and mum), and your wife' dad (and mum).

I would normally eschew involvement of any 3rd parties, but she has already tarnished you as a wife-beater, even if it's only in the eyes of your parents, for their comfort, and so they don't get played again, you should exonerate yourself.

You then have a follow-up meeting that involves the both of you as a couple and both sets of parents. You can rationalise the number of meetings if you feel you can manage it in fewer, or have them close together. But you must strike, and strike early.

First, you want your wife' full acceptance and apology for her actions, and a recommitment to your home, and you as head. Then you want your In-laws full acknowledgement of the actions of their offspring. Freely and openly forgive her, then warn her briefly and tersely; this type of thing will irreparably damage the relationship if it continues.

Then ask your in-laws to speak to their daughters/sons whatever, and however they choose (do not do this yourself. Alternatively, you can have the husbands of the sisters involved present). Long/short, they warn them never to interfere in your marital affairs, and to stay away for now.

Have a DNA check on your daughter (I actually feel she's yours, given you've mentioned the resemblance), and check you are still potent. Then fire her again, she needs to be busier!

Don't accept any entreaties, overtures or mago-mago from her siblings. Treat them Offishly until they get the message, then only cordially at best. If their husbands are solid fellows, factor that in.

Not to sound blasé, but it's not as bad as it seems, but it could be a lot worse. Learn and grow from this. Keep a close eye on the state of your marriage and do everything to fortify it.

Love and treat your wife well, without pandering to her, or letting her see you as weak/malleable - not an easy juggle , I know. She should be maturing, and outgrowing some of these behaviours that can prove so damaging to marriage. See that she is. Watch the company she keeps.

All the very best. Bear your burden like a stout man.


Cheers
TV

^{...one wonders if the GDT that patrol these parts will come and advise divorce due to her violence, afterall, once it starts, it escalates till death, no?...}

Timbuktou:


Yawn. Outright physical abuse woman, I hear you. Btw, what other form of physical abuse exists asides the outright sort? Please, oblige.

TV01:
Tearoses, thank you for you input on the potential damage to OP. Yetseyi cc'ed.

Byvan03, this has to be aired to a certain degree in public. This man has been trashed to both parents, siblings and almost certainly further abroad. Work colleagues, friends, neighbours, church, the scatter effect could be endless.

The man is could actually be unsafe, and things could seriously escalate. Who knows what the end-goal was or potential complications? Airing it will affords him some degree of immediate immunity.

I once had a female friend who I shared my pre-marital woes with, she asked for permission to share my travails with her besties, for a good laugh . I once asked her to hook me up with one of said besties, the e-mail response was scathing. She didn't just let me know the girl wasn't interested, she forwarded me the e-mail . People who like to hurt, like to gossip, her sisters will be publishing this story with glee.

I apologise to Timbuktou on your behalf . Tim holá, how far, missed a brother up in here.


TV

byvan03:






She did a terrible thing, agreed, luckily it has not gotten to the extent you described. If the man wants to restore the marriage, he still can at his terms. Do you feel that outright divorce will be better? Even if you feel so, it's your opinion and I won't fault you for that.

byvan03:




Report to who? Don't forget that this is Nairaland, you report an abusive spouse to the Nigerian police, to do what exactly? Are you speaking of reporting in civilised country? A woman in Nigeria knows that her best bet is to act and remove herself from damage. Do you think that reporting to parents and her entire generation is the solution? I don't even get what you are nitpicking.

byvan03:

She did a terrible thing, agreed, luckily it has not gotten to the extent you described. If the man wants to restore the marriage, he still can at his terms. Do you feel that outright divorce will be better? Even if you feel so, it's your opinion and I won't fault you for that.

tearoses:


The fact that he came here suggests that divorce is not his first point of call.
He wants it resolved
Personally, I don’t think it’s a matter for divorce but just a matter of resetting boundary’s.

I agree, if her parents know what transpired, things are going to change in the relationship that they have with her, but that is just the price she is going to have to pay for her actions.
She is not a baby and she should have thought of that at some point during all of this drama.

It is going to be hard and it may take her years to build back the trust, love and confidence that her husband’s family had in her, but that’s just the way it is. The mum needs to know that her son is not a deranged wife beater.

byvan03:




True, very disturbing issue. His parents won't forgive this, I doubt any parent will. A lot will change after this, his parents might hate her passionately and that will spell doom for their marriage if they decide to make up. It might be less scathing to just end the marriage, I just fear for how his parents will react to the news. The more I read the story , the angrier I get, I got your point fully TV.

Eketem:






Please note that you are the only one here screaming divorce.

We are saying everyone should be told and informed especially those to him she has lied and misinformed about his character, you are saying no hide it, we say no hiding it is not the way to go as action have consequences, you then start screaming divorce

tearoses:


Byvan I mostly agree with you but on this one I don't
If she were living in the US or UK and instead of calling her sisters and parents had called the cops, That man may never get a job again (number one)
If and when she divorces him, it will be used against him when it comes to a custody battle
He may loose his house cos when she wins the custody battle, the house will come with it.....where else will the kids live? is what she will lament to the judge
He will have a criminal record and he can never hold a public service position so scrap school governor, MP or magistrate
Infact he is finished.
He is at risk by her actions
Many men have been "finished" due to false allegations of abuse.

His family have a right to know
If he was my blood brother, I would like to know
If he was my son I would like to know
I didn't bring my son up to be a wife beater, so you can imagine how disappointed the parents must feel knowing that their son allegedly beat up his wife only to find out that it wasn't true.
If God forbid my DIL comes to tell me that my son beat her up, I will be devastated.
They started it.....Let them deal with it.

Timbuktou:
Egbon TV01, hailings o. Life called and I had to answer. I also missed your wise counsel and merciless ribbing of these liberated women on here.

This comment of yours,
"...one wonders if the GDT that patrol these parts will come and advise divorce due to her violence, afterall, once it starts, it escalates till death, no?..."
I can only shake my head at the response.

Don't mind Byvan, she seems to be lacking nutrients. But I'm glad others have been more temperate with her than I could. But I hear good cop-bad cop is an effective strategy.

How's the family?

byvan03:
True, very disturbing issue. His parents won't forgive this, I doubt any parent will. A lot will change after this, his parents might hate her passionately and that will spell doom for their marriage if they decide to make up. It might be less scathing to just end the marriage, I just fear for how his parents will react to the news. The more I read the story , the angrier I get, I got your point fully TV.

Timbuktou:
Egbon TV01, hailings o. Life called and I had to answer. I also missed your wise counsel and merciless ribbing of these liberated women on here.
This comment of yours,
"...one wonders if the GDT that patrol these parts will come and advise divorce due to her violence, afterall, once it starts, it escalates till death, no?..."
I can only shake my head at the response.
Don't mind Byvan, she seems to be lacking nutrients. But I'm glad others have been more temperate with her than I could. But I hear good cop-bad cop is an effective strategy.
How's the family?

byvan03:




The woman has messed up big time, I wonder how people do these things. I feel really sorry for the man. The price she is paying won't come cheap at all.

TV01:

DG Bro' how far? I can only begin to imagine the kind of turmoil you are in. It's betrayal by any name - and by the one you trusted in most implicitly. It is well. First compose yourself, and be mindful of how you engage your wife until you take action. My thoughts; As a Christian, I do not believe divorce is ever warranted, so I will share with you out of that worldview. Taking your report as read...

There is something I personally term "marital goodwill". It builds up after a couple have journeyed together. Have found inspiration, encouragement, and intimacy in one another. When they have been there for one another, and through together. After such, divorce is never the simple clean-cut option it may appear to be, even without it, it's not

This woman was there with you through trying times and you have both endured and prospered together. Seek restoration. Truth is, women are all "much of a muchness".

First, obtain a secure copy of the recordings. Then discuss with your dad (and possibly your mum if you feel it appropriate). You then call a meeting with you, your dad (and mum), and your wife' dad (and mum).

I would normally eschew involvement of any 3rd parties, but she has already tarnished you as a wife-beater, even if it's only in the eyes of your parents, for their comfort, and so they don't get played again, you should exonerate yourself.

You then have a follow-up meeting that involves the both of you as a couple and both sets of parents. You can rationalise the number of meetings if you feel you can manage it in fewer, or have them close together. But you must strike, and strike early.

First, you want your wife' full acceptance and apology for her actions, and a recommitment to your home, and you as head. Then you want your In-laws full acknowledgement of the actions of their offspring. Freely and openly forgive her, then warn her briefly and tersely; this type of thing will irreparably damage the relationship if it continues.

Then ask your in-laws to speak to their daughters/sons whatever, and however they choose (do not do this yourself. Alternatively, you can have the husbands of the sisters involved present). Long/short, they warn them never to interfere in your marital affairs, and to stay away for now.

Have a DNA check on your daughter (I actually feel she's yours, given you've mentioned the resemblance), and check you are still potent. Then fire her again, she needs to be busier!

Don't accept any entreaties, overtures or mago-mago from her siblings. Treat them Offishly until they get the message, then only cordially at best. If their husbands are solid fellows, factor that in.

Not to sound blasé, but it's not as bad as it seems, but it could be a lot worse. Learn and grow from this. Keep a close eye on the state of your marriage and do everything to fortify it.

Love and treat your wife well, without pandering to her, or letting her see you as weak/malleable - not an easy juggle , I know. She should be maturing, and outgrowing some of these behaviours that can prove so damaging to marriage. See that she is. Watch the company she keeps.

All the very best. Bear your burden like a stout man.


Cheers
TV

^{...one wonders if the GDT that patrol these parts will come and advise divorce due to her violence, afterall, once it starts, it escalates till death, no?...}

tearoses:


She is just going to have to suck it
She used her own two hands to "break" her own home
Her sisters have helped turn a young vibrant happy home into an unhappy one

Hopefully the poster will look at his wife's "previous banked good behaviour" that she married him despite knowing that there was a lower possibility of them having babies together & that she has been a good wife to date and this will pay towards some of her current "bad behaviour"

Also Hopefully up to this point, she has been a good DIL and SIL etc and this will be taken into consideration and she can blame this as a one off mistake and on the devil

WellEndowed:


Thank you chaircover.

His family have every right to know
Her family have evey right to know also.

I have brothers and sisters. If this were to happen to any of them, I would like to know.

His poor mother and father were taken for a fool. Fought their son for her. What kind of vulnerable person would enjoy destroying the image of a son before his parents. What was she hoping to gain?

She is an adult not a child and should be held accountable for her actions. She needs to work hard to gain back the trust of her husband and his family

TV01:

Given OP' report of his mothers love, I'm sure she will readily forgive and hope for restoration as much as anyone. The Daddies and Mummies tend to see long-term, and think as much of their grandkids. As for "marital goodwill", old couples probably get that more than most. In their time they will have been through and probably seen a lot.

I believe the danger here is mostly from his wife' immaturity and the malevolence of her sisters. Once those are managed and contained, hopefully it should be full steam ahead.



Forget them, they simply can't show face. Hopefully they are all getting, or have had the same stern warnings from their husbands - the ones that have of course

Family are fine thanks for asking - I'm busy sacrificing for them !


TV